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“Jinx?”
When Vi opened the door that evening, the last thing she expected to see were two blue haired girls.
After all, all she had to rely on for the last nine months was a singular note, stating:
‘Love ya, me and Isha are safe. NO LOOKING FOR US!’
Accompanied by two smiley stick figures.
Suffice to say, it had been a pretty shit day.
“Hiya sis, don’t mind if me and Isha knock around for a bit doya?” Jinx mentioned casually, fidgeting as she did so. Her smile made it seem as if she didn’t care for the answer. However, Vi could easily tell it was a façade. Hand gripping Isha tightly and her eyes looking around nervously.
“They said you were in Demacia? What the hell are you doing back here?” Her own voice breaking slightly at the end.
A range of emotions soared within Vi, and she felt sick from the mix of it all. Anger was the most prominent. Her sister had been missing for months. They had spoken before the battle, promises over a mended bond. Yet, while Vi was resting within Caitlyn’s hospital room, a note had been slipped. By the time she had noticed, it was too late. She’d cried herself to sleep for a while - Caitlyn had always stayed awake to wipe the tears - exhausted at the frequency in which decisions were made for her.
“Yeah – ha. Well, I’m back now. Still got my limbs and all. Oh – and this one, can’t stay away from me for long, huh.” Jinx’s voice took on a comical tone towards the end, increasing in volume; a small ruffle of Ishas hair.
Vi shook her head. Before ultimately letting her anger fade, for this moment at least, as she rushed into a hug.
“Huh, would you look at this, ya really did miss me sis, who da thought.” Jinx exclaimed as her hands hovered awkwardly, before deciding to pull Isha into it as well.
“Shut up, Jinx.” She said, pulling back with a slight push, mainly to hide the slight leaking of her eyes. She’d missed her sister, more than she could describe to anyone, even to Cait.
“Vi?” The soft voice of her wife broke through the scene. Vi felt a smile creep onto her face, as the familiar sound of Caits heels resounded throughout the front hall.
“Hi, Cait.” She said, equally as softly, kissing her quickly on the cheek. In a slight hope, that she would be able to distract the inevitable.
“Damn, little miss enforcers still knocking around then. Even now she’s a pirate.” Jinx stuck her tongue out and crossed her arms. “Disgusting, don’t ever be in love Isha. Not like these losers.”
“You always have such a way with words Jinx.” Cait spoke calmly, but Vi noticed that the softness -the vulnerability – had been replaced. The Caitlyn that was only reserved for her. No one else, especially not her sister. “May I speak to you for a moment Violet, preferably alone?”
Her full name on her lips always made her heart swoop.
“Listen, Cait. Can she stay, just for a bit. You know how much I’ve missed her.” She quickly motioned towards the girl clinging to her sister’s hand. “- and she brought Isha too.”
She saw Caitlyn’s eyebrows start to burrow, as her fingers fidgeted in front of her black turtleneck. Her nervous tick, Vi remembered.
“She can’t stay with the firelights. Not with whatevers going on between her and Little Man.” She heard a mumble of ‘none of your business’ from behind. “Please, Caitlyn.”
She looked into Caits eyes, hoping to demonstrate her pleading.
“She’s, my sister.”
Cait rolled her eye.
“Fine.”
A smile returned to Vi’s face.
“But I want no funny business.” She moved her glare from Jinx.
“At all. The moment she does she’s out.”
“Thanks, cupcake.” Vi’s hand started slowly rubbing along Caitlyn’s back, in an attempt to soothe.
“I mean it.”
Caitlyn gave a small smile back.
< - >
It had been a month following that evening.
Tensions still ran high, arguments still occurred during dinners, and more than enough tears were shared between all. Both, Caitlyn and Jinx, clashed on more than one occasion. One time escalating to such an extent that furniture was broken; Vi found herself caught between comforting both, her wife and her sister. Caitlyn had been the most shaken of the two, understandable considering the topic of contention had been her late mother. But there were also happy moments sprinkled throughout.
Caitlyn, Vi noted, had developed an unlikely bond with Isha. She had been unaware that Caitlyn had learnt sign language as a child due to - episodes in which she found herself too overwhelmed to speak. Something, in which, Vi wished to probe at more, but Caitlyn had almost too quickly moved on. She reminded herself to bring it up in private, soon.
Jinx, and Caitlyn shared unlikely positive moments too. Sometimes moments so quick, that Vi would miss it if she blinked. These moments could only be observed subtly from the corner of her eye, fearing that if she brought attention to it, it may stop all together. Vi found it amusing how they both acted similar to cats in each other’s presence. Neither letting their guard down but sharing subtle affection when ‘no one was watching.’
A metaphor, Vi was sure, they would both equally hate.
They would be considered missable moments. Jinx made a point to stay in the sight of Caitlyn’s good eye, despite how much she joked of her being a ‘pirate’. She would never enter their bedroom, even when she was left alone. When Caitlyn was unaware of objects in her track, Jinx’s hands would hover awkwardly.
(Vi always found herself quickly intervening to avoid Cait ending up with a painful bruise).
For Caitlyn it was different, Vi was aware it always would be. For Jinx, no matter how much she loved her sister, had been the direct cause of multiple traumas within Caitlyn’s life. Traumas that still left a burning whole in her heart, despite the words exchanged within the jail prior to her own arrival. Vi still comforted her throughout numerous panic attacks and nightmares relating to Jinx. Moments in which Vi felt pure anger towards her sister.
Yet, when Jinx would suddenly leave for a couple of days, she found Caitlyn asking subtle questions on her whereabouts, and whether Vi knew if she was okay.
(I don’t want to be responsible if something does happen, Violet.)
She brought her new art equipment and makeup, alongside new plushies for Isha. When Jinx would have her episodes, she stayed quietly near her side until Vi’s arrival. Never interrupting or mocking, despite the significant shaking that Vi would always pick up on.
Her own relationship with her sister remained, complicated.
Steady, to a degree. On some days at least.
For now, it felt as if there were as equally as many good days as there were bad.
There arguments ranged from petty -
(‘You played with Isha more today, that means I get her all to myself tomorrow.’
‘How is that fair Jinx?’
‘Sucks for you I guess.’)
To that fateful night, with a blue haired girl and gems she should never have had. An argument that left Vi throwing up with Caitlyn smoothing back her hair. Memories of guilt and the subsequent events within Stillwater, leaving her nauseous.
Other nights she would find herself holding her sister as if they were still children, who was plagued with memories and nightmares, that Vi didn’t share.
Yet, on their good days they would find themselves snuggled up in front of the fire, often accompanied by a significant degree of kicking. Failed baking attempts would lead them caked in flour. They would find themselves sprinting and leaping along the rooftops of Zuan, just like days they had shared before. Laughing to themselves as one of them tripped on a cobblestone.
Sometimes, Vi felt it was easy to forget how complex the relationships between all of them were. The history that they all shared in some form. The traumas and pain that they all carried; how bad days could also nestle in just as easily as the good.
< - >
She awoke with a pounding head. This was quickly followed by a familiar feeling of dread. Caitlyn could only describe it as something being caved out of her, as growing anxiety rolled within her stomach. A feeling that she was familiar with since childhood, but it never became more pleasant. The thought of leaving her bed, grew to be an ever more daunting task. Instead, she rolled closer to Vi. Tucking her head within the crook of her neck. Breathing her in. Hoping, that by some miracle, the day would pass without her and that she could try again the following morning.
Unfortunately, that would never happen.
She took a few deep breaths, counting down from ten as she pushed herself to leave Vis side. Days like this, her brain decided her only safe place was her bed. Making any tasks she needed to complete incredibly difficult.
She spent another five minutes sitting on the side of her bed, willing herself to move.
If her mother were here, she would have walked in with a sense of urgency, opened the curtains; making a, not so subtle, remark at how silly this situation was. It was a rather blunt method – a method that Caitlyn found caused some level of resentment as a teenager – but ultimately it did the job. Her father would take a softer approach, asking her to describe what about the day felt most overwhelming, and what in it could be adapted. She always did prefer that method, even if it made her feel younger. The days that she felt suffocatingly anxious only increased following her mother’s death, as well as her father’s move to Ionia.
With neither of them here, there would be no method apart from her simply getting up.
“You alright Cait?”
“Yes, don’t worry Violet.” She found herself growing quickly annoyed. Feeling vulnerable for being caught out in such a state. That anger calmed when she looked back at her wife’s concerned face.
“My head hurts slightly is all.”
It was not an entire lie, but it still felt wrong on her lips.
“I’m sorry baby, I’ll make you some of that tea – yunno the one from Ionia.” Violet grumbled, her hair still tousled, red indents crossed her face from how she must have slept.
In truth, Caitlyn really wanted the tea to help calm her nerves. But looking back, seeing Vis eyes drooping slightly, her cheeks warm. She couldn’t bring herself too.
“I’m okay. Thank you. I’ll get up and head to work. Go back to sleep, love.”
Once she had changed and completed the usual steps in her morning routine. Her head still ached, and her heart still pounded. The shower did not help matters either, she scrubbed quickly in freezing water. Her breathe catching every couple of seconds, convinced she could the presence of someone behind her. But she had faced her first hurdle. She found her way downstairs, leaving a sleeping Vi behind.
“Yeesh you look rough,” echoed a voice from her right, “What happened to you Piltie?”
Jinx was hanging upside down from the coach, watching Isha colour in front of her. By the looks of her hands, she’d helped with the little art project on her floor.
“Please don’t sit on my sofa like that Jinx,” she said quietly. As expected, the only response she received was a groan, “I’m fine, just didn’t sleep too well is all.”
“Eww, young ears here.”
She made an exaggerated roll off the coach, dramatically covering Isha’s ears. Isha hardly looked up from her drawings, only humming slightly.
“That’s not –“ Caitlyn’s eye widened and she felt herself stuttering in a desperate attempt to save her dignity. “I’m going to work, please don’t create any mischief while I’m away.”
“No promises!”
Her eyes flashed purple suddenly. Caitlyn’s stomach rolled.
< - >
The anxiety that she felt crawling beneath her skin only grew as the day went on. There was no determining reason, no catastrophic event nor particular trigger. But if felt like the whole world was closing in on her. Her uniform too tight, the world too vibrant. The breakout room was far too loud, the voices overlapping into a confusing tangle. She felt as if everyone were on a mission to accidentally bump into her. Her head ached and her throat felt as if it were being blocked by an agitating lump. Even her office did not quieten the loudness of the world around her.
Work that she could so often become lost in, felt jumbled and confusing. She grew annoyed at having to read the same sentence for what seemed like an endless number of times. Her leg was growing achy from shaking it beneath the desk, her fingers would find themselves fiddling with her pen or nervously pulling on her hair.
Her breathing really didn’t help matters. It would be a lot easier to focus if she could take a full breath. She cleared her throat again, tried drinking some water. Anything to keep her growing panic at bay. Besides she was being silly, it was a normal workday. Sure, the anniversary of that day – much easier to summarise her kidnapping, strange hostage situation and watching her mother’s death - as she liked to deem it, was steadily approaching. But it wasn’t today. Today was fine. Normal.
There was a soft knock from her door, jolting her out of her spiralling thoughts.
“Some more paperwork for you ma’am.”
“Thank you, Steb.”
She examined the new pile she had been given, already feeling herself becoming more overwhelmed.
“Wait, Steb. This says this all needs to be turned in by tomorrow. I can’t possibly get through this all.”
She began shuffling through the papers on her desk, her chest growing tighter.
“I’m sorry ma’am, but the council needs them in for the meeting tomorrow. These new plans must be read over and approved.”
“Okay, I’ll…yes, I’ll get it done. Close the door on your way out please.”
Steb gave a small nod, with an apologetic smile on his face, before closing the door.
“Shit.” She whispered to herself, burrowing her head in her hands, desperately trying to stop the tears from overflowing.
She missed Violet terribly, she felt homesick despite her only being a ten-minute walk away. The thought of her wife made her bottom lip tremble, and she sniffed in a feeble attempt to gain control over herself.
She started frantically moving her hands through the papers in front of her, but the tears in her eyes were making it increasingly difficult. She stopped suddenly as her eyes caught on the paper. Most were plans for reformations within Zuan and re- establishing the enforcer unit to support the community. But one was focused on clearing out an ‘abandoned’ warehouse for medical storage within Zuan. She felt her heart drop when she looked through the pictures that were included. A jumbled mess of broken tea pots, the chairs broken or knocked over. It was clear that Jinx had left in a hurry after the events. However, it didn’t do anything to calm the nausea quickly rising within her.
She suddenly missed her mother. The blunt thought that she would be unable to help her with this paperwork, never could again, made her stomach swoop quickly. She desperately wanted to be safely kept in her arms, something her mother had not done since she was a child. Her mother would stroke her hair, hold her on her lap as she quietly completed the work on her desk. But now that the memory was playing in her mind, she could almost feel her mother’s embrace. Her heart ached painfully.
In her growing panic her hand knocked over her small metal statue onto the floor. The resounding echo sounded far too similar to that of a gunshot.
How cruel.
Her breath quickened to such a degree that she was certain she would die. Then her heart panged once more at the thought of never seeing her wife again. That she would never be held in her arms nor could she softly brush her cheek again. Never experience those sweet moments or hear her hum to herself.
No, instead she would suffocate here. In her office, surrounded by work.
The thought of her wife caused a painful stabbing sensation in her chest. She needed to see her. She couldn’t breathe and she needed to see her. Feel her one last time.
Outwardly, she was sure she appeared normal. She had had panic attacks on the field, mainly within the dark days during the hunt for Jinx’s arrest. No one had mentioned anything before. Yet she was sure the uncharacteristic leaving of her work during the day, would raise some questions.
She debated this quickly, before her fear overruled her decision.
Opening the door and leaving the urgent paperwork behind.
< - >
Vi’s day had been pretty pleasant so far.
She had worked within the community of Zuan for a couple of hours in the morning. Brought a cake from the bakery, hoping to cheer Cait up for when she returned from work. Read some more of her book on the coach, while Jinx and Isha made strange robot figures beside her. She was just gathering some ingredients for Caits Ionian tea, when she heard a loud slam from the front room.
“Vi? Violet…”
The sound was so distressing that Vi felt her stomach drop, Caitlyn should never sound so vulnerable, so scared. It was making her heart pound in fear; something was wrong. She heard a small ‘what the fuck’ from the countertop. But Vi had already dropped her ingredients and was sprinting towards the voice.
“Cait! Caitlyn…what’s wrong baby? Are you hurt? Did something happen?”
The speed she had gained practically launched her to Caitlyn’s side. Her hands quickly holding her face. The sight in front of her did nothing to calm her pounding heart. Caitlyn was unnaturally pale; her bottom lip trembling and tears were silently flowing down her face. The expression within her eye, was so similar to that night at the tea party, it nearly sent Vi cascading towards a flashback herself.
“It’s so stupid, I’m sorry. I’m sorry Vi, I got so scared. I didn’t want to die. I’m sorry.” Caitlyn’s eye darted around quickly, while her hands shook violently. Vi wasn’t sure what had brought this on, but she sure as hell wasn’t going to let her wife continue to feel such fear.
“Hey, hey it’s not stupid. You’re not going to die Cait, do you hear me? You’re going to be okay.”
Caitlyn’s breathes continued to come out quickly.
“I’m here now, okay Cait? I’m here. I’m going to walk you to the couch, okay?”
A timid nod was all the confirmation that she needed. She gently grabbed both of Caitlyn’s arms, hugging her somewhat from behind as she steered her towards the couch.
“I’ve got you, your safe.” She settled Caitlyn across her lap, as she tightly hugged her, knowing the pressure kept her grounded. She swayed them slowly, kissing her head and using one of her hands to slowly stroke her hair back.
“I need you to breathe with me Cait. Hold it when I do, for three and then release. You’ve got it.”
They followed that rhythm for a while, smoothly starting again when Caitlyn juddered or began to hyperventilate. Vi would simply shush her, tightening her arms as she did so.
“There you go, Cupcake. You hear the birds outside?”
A nod.
“Go and focus on that for me, okay? I think they’ve just found the seeds we put down, certainly sounds like it huh? They’re being so noisy. The wind charm sounds nice too, doesn’t it? It was a good idea of yours to buy that, Cait. You always have good ideas, don’t ya.”
There was a small chuckle from beneath Vi’s chin, so she carried on.
“Can you feel the top that I’m wearing? It’s one of the nicest fabrics I’ve ever owned. Took a while to get used too. I mean, I used to wear anything I’d get my hands on. But this is nice too. You definitely seem to think so.”
From behind Vi felt the presence of her sister and Isha. Jinx was hesitantly carrying a glass of water and seemed unsure with what to do with herself. Isha, on the other hand was dragging one of her favourite plushies across the floor. There was visible concern from both of them as they took in the scene ahead.
“This is for her or whatever.” Jinx said passing the glass to Vi, before quickly retreating. Isha managed to place the plushie onto Caitlyn’s lap, smiling happily to herself before signing something towards Cait. Caitlyn perked up slightly before signing what Vi knew to be *thank you*. As Isha nodded before she followed the direction of Jinx.
“You back with me, baby?” There was a small nod as Caitlyn managed to wrangle the plushie to her chest. “You had me scared there, definitely more than a headache then, huh?”
There was a small huff from Caitlyn.
“You wanna talk about it?” Vi’s voice took on a more serious tone as she managed to lock her eyes with Caitlyn’s.
“…it’s a lot.” Caitlyn spoke softly voice slightly cracking.
“Try me.”
Caitlyn slowly started to explain how overwhelmed she had been feeling. She had gotten better at explaining her emotions over the last couple of months. But it was definitely still a challenge. Vi never rushed or pushed, when she seemed stuck stumbling over her words. She would ask questions when Caitlyn really did seem unable to understand her emotions. It was a slow process, but it was far more than Vi would have received a year ago. So, she took the small victory.
“I’m sorry Caitlyn. I think you won the reward of having the shittiest time today.” She received a small hum in response, exhausted by her own explanation. “Thanks for telling me though, I’m sure the combination of everything didn’t help things.”
“It was like every trigger possible found me today,” Caitlyn explained quietly “I was already anxious and thinking about that night, that sound was the last straw. I started spiralling and…I scared myself. Couldn’t breathe. Didn’t want to leave you.”
“I know.”
She gave a quick kiss to Caitlyn’s lips, pulling back slightly to look into each other’s eyes. “Good thing you’ve got a big strong wife to protect you then, yeah? Nothing will hurt you while I’m here. I’ll make sure of it.”
Caitlyn giggled softly, “I’ll protect you too.”
“Tsk you think those massive guns are for show, I know you will Cait. Best shooter there is. We’ll look out for each other, okay?” Vi joked slightly before her tone dropped again, “Just tell me next time if you feel rough in the morning…I don’t like watching you get hurt. I want to stop it before all of this, please.”
“I’ll try.”
“Thanks, cupcake.”
< - >
The day passed quickly afterwards.
(“We made cookies if…I dunno, anyone wants them,” Jinx declared, arms crossed defensively, “Or don’t, I really don’t care, it’s whatever yunno. Isha would be upset though.”
“I’d love to try them Jinx,” Vi said from her place on the couch. Caitlyn laid passed out on Vi’s front, arms wrapped tightly, head resting against the crook of her neck, drooling slightly. A fact that Vi would love to remind her of when she awoke from her slumber. Caits hair was nestled against Vi’s mouth, as she scratched her wife’s head.
“You’d have to bring them over to me though, for obvious.” Pointing to her front.
“Bleh, I can see that.” Jinx made a scrunched face, “Maybe I’ll leave them just out of reach. Then you gotta decide between her and the cookies.”
Vi glared at her.
“I’m kidding – maybe.”
“Hey, could you grab a blanket while your up – “
“No.”)
Violet found herself with a very clingy Caitlyn attached to her the remainder of the day. When she eventually awoke –
(“Vi, I can’t believe you let me drool everywhere. This is so humiliating.”
“How is this my fault?”)
They found themselves quickly tucking into the cookies. Some had weirdly coloured dye – mixes of murky green and neon pink – with odd shaped, sprinkles?
Vi thought it was best not to question it too much, she’d eaten worse.
Caitlyn, on the other hand, was certainly more reluctant. Vi quietly observed her politely nibbling along the edges, in a - somewhat vain - attempt at avoiding the hazardous looking dye. She noticed Caitlyn’s eyebrow furrowing at the sight of the crumbs Jinx had left in her wake, scattered amongst the couches. However, Caitlyn decidedly kept quiet, mostly in fear. Knowing, that the next batch would be poisoned if she spoke up.
Steb had dropped off some of the more urgent paperwork towards the evening. He had not prodded any further but was clear that he had made excuses of an appointment for the higher ups. Vi loved that man, definitely needed to buy him some coffee in the future.
They found themselves slowly working through the remaining of the paperwork, huddled together on the floor next to the coffee table. Vi’s back aching slightly, her neck twinging. But it was worth it. Besides Caitlyn wasn’t letting her go any time soon.
Breathing slowly when either of them grew anxious working through that particular paperwork. Stroking each other’s back slowly, rubbing knuckles, putting on some classical music that Caitlyn seemed to enjoy. Although it didn’t align with Vi’s liking – she found it quite boring really, but she would never tell Cait that.
Eventually, although exhausted, they had worked through the paperwork labelled ‘urgent’ and found themselves in the comfort of their own bed. Snuggled together, their bodies warmth blending into one, while under a copious number of pillows that Caitlyn seemed to enjoy burrowing into.
Cute.
“Hey,” Caitlyn slowly lifted her gaze, “We’re taking tomorrow off, kay?”
“Vi-“
“Nope, sorry. No disagreements, we’re staying in this bed the whole of tomorrow.”
“Hmm, okay.” As Caitlyn nuzzled further into Vi and the pillows. The lack of argument, a testament to how drained she was.
“I love you, Vi.”
“I love you too, Cupcake.”