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A quiet hiss broke The Goober’s dreamless but wonderful sleep. It was jarring, the silence of the night murdered, by the softest of noises in daylight. Thinking nothing of it, Goober attempted to go back to that beautiful rest, crooning softly to himself. He turned in the softness of Jerry’s bed, pressing his cheek into the mattress, the plushness sinking and accommodating to Goober’s face. He felt the pilling of Jerry’s thin blanket against his skin, disturbing his attempt at sleep, but it was still comfortable. Similarly to the comfort yet disturbance of Jerry hissing against his ear with his chin pressed against The Goober’s upper trap muscle. Jerry’s skin, so warm as if it were the embodiment of sun-dried laundry against his skin, but he was also filled Goober with a slight annoyance as he mumbled in his sleep. Goober knew it wasn’t Jerry’s fault. He was sure it was a side effect of the restless nights caused by the Vigils.
Goober only really slept beside Jerry at sleepovers since Jerry needed the comfort. They both needed comfort in total honesty. The tenderness of flesh and the shared understanding of what they dealt with was soothing and soft.
“Goober, are you awake?”
“Yuh, you woke me up.” Silence unveiled itself once more between the two of them. Normally, it would mean nothing; but the nightly atmosphere made the quietness feel twisted. As if their stomachs were rags being twisted and drained of water after a wash.
“I’m so tired of what Archie does to me. I know it’s wrong… but it feels like if I tell any of the teachers, they'll either dismiss me or treat me like a freak and force me to repent for something I didn’t choose. If I tell my dad, he’ll treat me as if I had just died and send me to Canada. Maybe I’m dead already.” Jerry ranted, his chin no longer pressed on The Goober’s trap. Now his back rested against the mattress as he stared up at the ceiling, even though the room was obscured of any ray of light. The talking was to himself, normally he would’ve just kept this to his head; but The Goober was here and he would understand what he felt.
“Maybe I died at football tryouts and this is purgatory. Having Archie whispering in my ear and talking about jacking off.” Jerry added, sniffing a laugh, Goober joined in.
“You talk about that too.”
“It isn’t to make your skin crawl, I’m just telling you I’m gonna go to the bathroom to relax.”
“You’re annoying. I hope a bird kisses you.”
“Then it would just be you kissing me.”
“You’re the one with a hooked nose, not me, mine is normal, unlike yours.” Jerry’s eyes crinkled up into a smile. He appreciated The Goober knowing when to dive deeper into what he said or when he just needed to get something off his chest before returning to normalcy.
“I love you, Goober.” The two of them grinned silently at the confession that was repeated a thousand times and would be repeated for another forty thousand times.
“I love you, too.” Jerry turned his head over to where he assumed Goober’s was. Looking fondly at the darkness; the coldness caressing the two of them, while the warmth radiating off each other. Acting as the other was the sun giving its velvet rays to the other’s leaves. Jerry, taking a risk, dug around the blanket; grasping and squeezing tightly at Goober’s hand. “We were a great team in football.” The Goober murmured, squeezing Jerry’s hand as well. Jerry nodded in agreement, the sound of the pillowcase crinkling and folding in retaliation allowed The Goober to know Jerry had moved. Jerry’s smile faded back to one of neutrality; getting lost in his thoughts. He was thankful for the darkness of the night that allowed him to express this freely without Goober being concerned about him immediately. Sometimes he just needed to sink into his feelings before explaining how he felt.
“No, I mean I love you, I love you more than a friend, I love you more than family, I love you more than one would love his wife.” Jerry tried to choke up an explanation, the words long and stuck in his throat as he pushed himself to understand what he was saying.
“If you reject me, I’m going to jump in front of my bus,” Jerry stated desperately. He paused for a second before he registered what he said. “...I take that back, I won’t do that, that’s what Archie wants me to do, also it’ll be a sin if I do that.” He reminded himself, his arms enveloping Goober’s. He had a bit more arm muscle compared to Goober, but it was even since The Goober had better calves than Jerry could ever dream of.
“Does that sort of love even exist?” The Goober asked, adjusting his arm a bit under Jerry’s grasp. “I’m not gay, but I still love you even if you seem to love me a whole lot more than I can even think of.” He stated, awkwardly kissing what he hoped was Jerry’s cheek, it was his jaw that he kissed, but it still meant the same thing at the moment. Jerry laughed nervously at the kiss; he felt his face flush, so he had to do the same for Goober. He reached for The Goober’s face: his fingers feeling his cheekbones, acne, the small milia under Goober’s eyes, and finally finding Goober’s lips, he leaned closely and kissed him at the corner where his lips and cheek met.
“Fag.”
“You’re the one who kissed me? You’re the faggot here, not me.”
“I like girls, so how do you know I didn’t kiss you for practice?”
“Neither of us can get a girlfriend because you act like a fairy around me! Do me a solid, man, and jump in front of that bus.” Jerry laughed, snorting a bit. He paused, which he noticed he had been doing a lot this night.
“…do you think this counts as me cheating?” The Goober looked wide-eyed at the general area of Jerry’s voice; they were just calling each other slurs, and now this!?
“What! No, he doesn’t even consider you his boyfriend. Just because he does that stuff to you doesn’t mean you’re in a relationship. You don’t even want it nor like it. He doesn’t even love you, how can that be a relationship?” The Goober reasoned, Jerry made no effort to continue as he just traced around Goober’s acne; the only way for him to “see” The Goober’s face in the dark. He already knew it himself, but for some reason, he needed to hear it from a different voice.
“Good to know, I still feel soiled and sinful because of it. I know I don’t really get a choice, but damn… it eats me from the inside, especially when I take the Eucharist.” Goober’s face contorted to that of softness and tenderness, even if it was no use in the darkness of the room. He pulled his arm from Jerry’s grasp and instead swept his arms around him into an embrace. His face underneath Jerry’s jaw and Jerry himself tugging The Goober closer, his face in the other's hair.
“I’m such a friggin faggot, I should just kill myself before someone else does. But I won’t, it’s what they want, and I should live for myself. It’s so hard, but if you’re here with me, I think I can handle it.” Jerry grieved, he felt, and let the dirtiness of Goober’s hair curl around his sinuses. It didn’t bother him; it made this night's emotions and thoughts ever so real. “I love you so much, Goober…” he whispered to himself as he intentionally pulled and tugged at The Goober’s hair.