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It was the same Christmas Mikki remembered spending for the last three years. His older siblings were always away for the holidays, so naturally it was the youngest’s turn to look after their mother during Christmas Eve and the days to follow. The familiar hum of the heart rate monitor was almost deafening in the silent room; the plain white walls seemingly closing in if Mikki stared too long.
The same bland food rations lay untouched on the bedside table as he waited for the nurse’s shift to start so he could grab a quick Christmas “dinner” from the vending machine downstairs. Perhaps a bag of chips and a can of rootbeer would suffice. He couldn’t remember the last time he ate proper food anyway, not since his previous band fell apart and he started to face the treacherous waters of the music industry as an independent solo artist.
Not since Gelo walked out of his apartment door that one rainy morning, and the guy was too kind to leave a home-cooked meal in the fridge because he knew Mikki couldn’t fend for himself, especially not after a break-up he only pretended they both needed.
The same old clock told Mikki it was exactly thirty seven minutes before Christmas and he almost asked aloud why was loneliness louder during this time? He had tossed his phone to the far end of the room earlier, because he didn’t trust himself enough to not give in to the small urge to call Gelo.
Small, yet persistent. A quiet longing that refused to stay buried, always threatening to resurface in full bloom especially on a lonely Christmas day.
Mikki told himself that it was only because Gelo’s absence was strikingly noticeable in the quiet room, and that his cheerful nature would have made his mom sip more than three spoonfuls of tasteless porridge for dinner. The now empty fruit basket would have been teeming with fresh oranges, and he should have been wearing a bright red sweater instead of the dull gray hoodie he blindly threw on this morning.
But wasn’t it Mikki himself who carelessly pushed the same guy away? So if he was alone and miserable on a supposedly happy and festive occasion, it was solely his fault and no one else’s.
There were three soft knocks on the door before the nurse came barging in, panting slightly as if she had sprinted to get here. Mikki almost yelled at the poor girl, if only to let some of his frustration out, but thankfully thought better of it.
“Sorry po, sir,” the nurse apologized as she glanced at the clock and realized that she was a few minutes late. “Nag-noche buena pa po kasi kasama ang pamilya.”
Good for you, Mikki thought bitterly. At least someone was actually happy during this time.
“That’s okay,” he replied aloud. And then Mikki approached his mom’s bedside, touching her hand delicately as if afraid to wake her. “Maiwan muna kita, Ma, ah. Bababa lang ako saglit.”
The nurse immediately began to fuss around his mom’s bed and prepared to check her vitals as Mikki headed towards the door. He was about to yank the doorknob open when he suddenly noticed his phone discarded under the desk, hesitated for a moment, and then finally picked it up before rushing to the ground floor.
Mikki did not meet anyone on his way to the cafeteria. The hallways were unsurprisingly empty; the counters closed. Only the vending machine remained lit up at the far end corner, but unfortunately it didn’t have his favorite bag of chips. He almost kicked the machine in annoyance—can’t the universe even give this to him?
In the end Mikki settled for the cheese-flavored one, munching half-heartedly as he sat alone on the red plastic bench. He downed the can of rootbeer in one go, the slight spice not enough to make him swallow the ache that was rising up his throat. He half-glanced at his phone, and the screen told him it was sixteen minutes before midnight.
Mikki scoffed, the sound almost deafening in the empty room. Gelo wasn’t going to magically appear no matter how much he thought about him. It wasn’t like his thoughts could summon him into the eerily deserted hospital when he was probably in the middle of Christmas dinner with his family.
Of course, Mikki had to call Gelo. Or text him, at the very least. Calling was too much, too desperate and pathetic. Besides, he wouldn’t know what to say. He made it pretty clear that there were no longer any words needed to be said.
But then his fingers betrayed him, and Mikki was pressing send before he could stop himself.
Merry Christmas.
Two simple words sent in a haste, still minutes before the actual celebration. Profound longing wrapped in a supposedly cheerful greeting. He could only hope Gelo gets it.
Mikki felt like throwing up, anxiety gripping him as he stared at his screen until it flashed 12:00a.m. His phone buzzed with a few personal greetings from family and friends, a bunch from fans. And yet, none from the only one he was yearning for.
The sound of fireworks was like a wakeup call, causing Mikki to get up and shove his phone into the back pocket of his jeans so he didn’t have to check it every damn second. If the universe wasn’t giving him a reply from Gelo then he might as well barge into the convenience store across the street and demand for his sour cream chips.
7-Eleven was miraculously empty, causing Mikki to feel much more left out than he already was. It felt like the rest of the world was happy except for him, and well, perhaps the cashier at the counter who seemed just as bummed out as he was.
Mikki’s eyes scanned the aisle, but for some reason he couldn't seem to find the one he was looking for.
“Here,” a voice suddenly said.
Mikki froze, heart threatening to burst out of his ribcage. He would recognize that voice anywhere. It used to lull him to sleep, used to whisper words of encouragement. Used to tell him he loves him. Hell that voice even used to scream his name in pleasure.
The same voice that begged to stay and yet Mikki refused to listen.
“Ano ‘to, Mikki?” Gelo asked softly, voice still gentle despite the storm in his eyes.
“Just—I can’t, okay? I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired,” Mikki replied in frustration, gripping the kitchen counter until his knuckles turned pale.
“The band’s not doing well. Our newly released song was not received by the fans like expected. Our contract would probably be cut short,” Gelo said matter-of-factly. “So? Anong kinalaman nun sa ‘tin?”
“Everything, Gelo,” Mikki replied. “If not because of—” he paused, but Gelo heard it all the same. “We lost some fans because of—you know it.”
Gelo let out a deep breath—with Mikki’s inability to name their relationship stinging a bit more than he expected, but he tried to understand him anyway. “Maybe you just need to clear your head, love. Please let’s just—I’ll ask Coach Mickey if we can skip training tonight? Let’s go out.”
Mikki laughed bitterly. “Seryoso? You think a date can fix this?”
“Baka kailangan mo lang huminga. Even for a while,” Gelo insisted. “Alam ko namang stressed tayong lahat.”
“I’m not fucking stressed, Gelo. I’m just—I’m done. We’re done. This is for the best.”
Gelo watched Mikki intently, searching his eyes for any hint that he didn’t mean what he was saying. But the younger kept his gaze on the floor, refusing to look at him directly.
“Fine,” Gelo finally said, resignation wearing down his bones. “Tapusin ko lang yung niluluto ko. And then I’ll go.”
That text was a mistake. Gelo was suddenly here and Mikki didn’t know what to do. He felt guilty. Ashamed. And yet somehow, still relieved.
“Andito ka,” Mikki breathed out, and it didn’t come out as a question. Because deep inside him, he knew he’d come.
That was Gelo. Unrelenting. Steady and true. And he still let him go.
Mikki turned to face him, and he wanted to break down right in the middle of a deserted grocery aisle just at the sight of him. His Gelo, clad in a dark green hoodie, Mikki’s favorite chips in one hand, his phone on the other. He looked the same as the last day he saw him, but much happier if he was being honest. Lighter. No weight of holding a group together upon his shoulders.
Gelo smiled, one that didn’t really reach his eyes. He gestured wordlessly that he was going to head to the counter to pay for the snacks he got, and Mikki could only watch him walk away. Again.
The night was alive, fireworks painting the dark sky every now and then. Mikki and Gelo sat side by side on the top step of the flight of stairs that led to the emergency room. There was a considerable distance between them, and yet Mikki kept his knees huddled together as if afraid of getting burned. Was it right for him to be the one to break the silence? He wasn’t so sure.
“Kumusta ka?” Gelo finally asked, but Mikki can tell that he wasn’t looking at him.
“I’m...getting by,” he barely managed to reply, trying to keep his voice from cracking. My mom’s not getting any better, Mikki wanted to say. My songs are not even halfway into completion. I’ve only ever eaten takeout since you left.
Gelo nodded grimly. “Hmm. Tapos?” His tone was calm, but Mikki could read the hurt beneath it. “May naidulot ba, Mikki?”
The sky above them turned orange and pink and then it was dark again.
“May naidulot ba yung paghihiwalay natin?” Gelo asked, eyes still fixed skyward.
None to me but—“Sa’yo, meron,” Mikki answered, carefully keeping his tone light, but it came out bitter even to his own ears. “You’ve got a solo project now. With a girl.”
Gelo laughed dryly, barely audible as the fireworks burst into the sky again. “Wala kang alam sa pinagdaanan ko.”
“How should I know?” Mikki asked sarcastically. “You left.”
Gelo stood up at that, causing Mikki to flinch. “Putang-ina Mikki you fucking asked me to leave!” He bellowed over the explosions. “You don’t get to blame this on me!”
Mikki shouldn’t have sent that stupid text.
“Kahit kailan hindi sumagi sa isip ko na hiwalayan ka.”
“Masaya ka naman na,” Mikki shot back. “So what brings you here then?” He dared to ask.
“Bakit nga ba?” Gelo asked back. “I don’t even fucking know. Maybe I just wanted to see you.”
Gelo’s confession burst stronger than the fireworks, bathing Mikki in hope and light, drowning the rest of his uncertainties. Mikki stood up, tilting his head slightly so he could meet Gelo in the eye. For a moment he watched the colors of fireworks dance in his irises, and wondered why the hell did he let this man go?
“Can we.. can we try again?” He asked softly, still bracing himself for the rejection he knew would not come.
Gelo took a shuddering exhale, one so familiar that Mikki almost smiled. “Salamat naman at nawala rin yang toyo mo, putang-ina, mag-iisang taon din.”
This time Mikki let out a breathy laugh of relief and lunged forward, closing the few steps between them. “Forgive me?”
Gelo rolled his eyes, but it was fondness rather than annoyance. “C’mere,” he ordered, grabbing Mikki’s hood to pull him closer.
Gelo’s breath smelled of the same mint toothpaste he still had back at his apartment. Mikki leaned in, crashing their lips together, the sound of fireworks fading into white noise. He poured both his apology and promises into the kiss, and Gelo’s answering vice-like grip on his waist told Mikki that he had understood.
Gelo and Mikki broke apart not out of want, but out of the need for air. The younger one immediately leaned back in, planting a light peck on the other’s lips. “Fuck, love, I missed you so much.”
“And whose fault is that, hmm?” Gelo asked, but there was a teasing tone to it now.
Mikki had never felt lighter in a long time—like his heart was somehow back in its place. Like he had finally found the chorus to his barely finished songs.
“Can we go inside?” Mikki suddenly asked. Although there was something romantic about standing under the night sky lit up by fireworks every now and then, tiredness was already catching up on him.
“Yeah,” Gelo agreed. “I want to check on Tita rin.”
Mikki nodded and picked up the bag of chips that lay forgotten on the floor. “Tara?” He asked as he held his hand out to Gelo.
The older one took it, but didn’t budge from where he was. “Wait. May nakalimutan ako.”
“Huh?” Mikki looked at him questioningly.
But Gelo was inching closer yet again, giving him a sound kiss on the cheek.
“Merry Christmas, too, love,” he whispered into his ear.
Fin~