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Why?
That was all Till could ask from the universe. Why was he like this? Why was it him? Why did it have to be him?
His body. It hadn’t ever really been… right . No matter what he tried to make it right, nothing seemed to work. Everything felt wrong. His thighs seemed too big in one outfit, his waist too small in another. His hair was too long, then it was too short after cutting it.
Hitting puberty made it worse. Suddenly the clothes he felt comfortable in didn’t fit. His favourite jeans wouldn’t go high enough. All the clothes he bought were horrible. The wrong size, wrong shape. The clothes his parents bought were even worse. They didn’t know what he liked. They bought him… dresses. Sure, he wore those when he was younger, but not anymore. He hadn’t worn them in years.
Till’s father always asked him why he just couldn’t wear them anymore like he used to. I mean, he was a female, he should like wearing dresses. That was what his father said.
That wasn’t the only comment he hated getting. “You’ve grown into such a beautiful young lady”, “You’ll be a good wife one day”, “My little girl”, “You women always make us men wait”, and “Why can’t you act like a girl? That’s what you are. You don’t think you are a boy, right?” .
For some reason all of those comments he hated were somehow related to his gender. It had always been the same. Even as a kid Till didn't like hearing them. But back then, he didn’t know how to voice it.
But now…
Someone he considered a pretty close friend came out as trans. Sure, Till had always known what being trans meant. He had been on the internet for quite some time. But actually knowing someone who was trans? That was different.
His father always made being trans seem like something he shouldn’t be. Something bad. Something evil.
But his friend was nice. And seemed much happier.
It made him think about his life. So, Till did what anyone in his position would do. He opened google and wrote:
“am i trans quiz”
The quiz said he was trans. He was trans .
Everything made so much sense. Suddenly every time cried because someone called him a pretty girl or called him by his birth name made sense. He was trans.
Then the realisation hit him. Oh my god, he was trans . He was ruined. What was he going to do now? No way in hell was he going to tell his family. What would his father think? Or his dear mother?
Till loved his mother too much to give her that disappointment. He could almost see his mothers tired face filled with disappointment and sadness. She would be so horrified to know her little girl wasn’t even a girl anymore. He didn’t want her to hate him.
He didn't want to be a bad son,
but he was already a bad daughter .
The quilt hit him not soon after realising this. Everyone on the internet was all about ‘trans pride’ and being proud of your identity. He didn’t feel proud at all. Was he a shame to the trans community? Was he doing this wrong? Was he faking?
That wasn’t what Till wanted. So he buried those feelings deep and immediately got to work. He chose a name he liked and changed all his social media profiles to it. He didn't mention the change to anyone. He let them notice all by themselves.
………
The moment Till got out of high school he changed himself completely. The way he dressed, the way he walked, the way he spoke. Everything.
Sure, he was now getting bullied at college. People called him ‘emo’. But he didn't care. He was emo, so what? He felt better than he ever had right now. He played guitar, he drew. He was completely himself now.
Or was he?
He met this girl during the first week here. While he was already getting bullied and didn’t have any friends, people practically avoided him like wildfire. The girl, Mizi, was the opposite. She was well liked, everyone loved her. She was popular and very pretty.
On top of everything, Mizi was kind.
While almost everyone kept their distance from the emo kid, she sat next to him during lunch once. She talked about her life, and asked him about his. She was amazing.
The perfect girl.
What he should have been .
Till was sure he had a crush on her. Every boy seemed to like her, and he was a boy, so why wouldn’t he? Mizi had been nice to him after all. Till could imagine it. A future with her in it. Them married, having a nice little family, being accepted by someone .
She was just so… easy to love. So likeable.
Or maybe it was just the idea of Mizi that made him like her.
She made him feel so male. Liking a pretty girl? That was a male thing, right? He didn’t need the validation of others, but Mizi was just so much easier to be in love with, unlike someone else…
Ivan. His annoying childhood friend. They met as kids, and Ivan has yet to leave him alone.
The boy was annoyingly perfect. That perfectly styled black hair, those deep eyes he could never forget. That damn smile that only came out when he talked to Till.
Ivan had been so supportive when Till came out as trans. To be honest, he was one of the people Till had been the most scared of losing.
He immediately noticed the change on his social media profiles. He started calling Till by his name right after he realised, calling him by his pronouns. He always treated him like a cis boy.
Like a boy .
Well, he was one, after all. All supportive friends did that, right? Made sure that you never felt uncomfortable around them?
He liked Ivan. As a friend, of course. He was straight. He liked girls. He had to like girls.
He couldn’t like someone like Ivan.
Ivan was a jock, bigger than him. More masculine , some would say.
If he liked Ivan like that, which he didn’t, he was scared what people would say.
People would say he was a girl. They’d probably find out he was trans the moment something happened with him and Ivan. Which would never happen because Till didn’t like Ivan like that.
Till didn't want to be perceived as a girl. After everything he had done to be seen as a boy and hide his identity, he didn’t want to risk it. Not that Ivan would ever even like someone like Till.
So for now, Till made sure to keep any wrong thoughts far away from his mind.
He didn’t want to think about it.
It was better this way.
It had to be…