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“Merry Christmas, Will“ Jonathan smiled as he handed him the present. It was flat and square. Will figured out what it was in seconds. “A record? Really?” His eyes automatically lit up. Best secret Santa gift ever. “I bought it some years ago in Hawkins, but never really listened to it. So, I decided you should have it. I think you’re really going to like it.”
Will ripped up the wrapping immediately. He desperately wanted to know which album it was. It looked simple. Ecru-colored sand, a magenta-red pyramid and three green palm trees. The whole design looked like it was cut out colored cardboard. THE CURE – BOYS DON’T CRY. “It’s a British band.” Jonathan said and Will nodded. He heard about them a few times before. They were just gaining popularity in the US. “Thanks. I’m so gonna listen to it soon.”
“Okay, what did I miss?” Joyce had just taken a polaroid-picture of Jonathan and Will with their secret Santa gifts when El came back out of her room. “My turn!” Will announced proudly – ready to take the telephone to call with my Mike. “Unfair!” Jonathan protested but Will just laughed. His own fault he wasn’t fast enough. Also, he and Nancy called every time Joyce put away that damn phone. Plus, letters back and forth. Will and Mike haven’t talked for three whole weeks now. “Oh, I’m sorry Will, but Mike just hung up. His Nana came over.” Disbelief covered Will’s face. He waited so long for that call. “Come here El, I got your present.” Joyce tapped on the couch beside her and El sat down. But Will still stood there, in the middle of the living room, completely in disbelief.
“You knew I wanted to talk to him, why didn’t you say anything?” El just shrugged. “I tried to. But he wished you all a Merry Christmas!” The disbelief was replaced by anger. Deep down Will knew that it wasn’t El’s fault. That this anger was unreasonable. Yet it still was there. Why was Mike so obsessed with her? He thought that their friendship was getting better. (apart from them not speaking for three weeks) But Mike’s stupid and childish relationship seemed to get in the way. It always got in the way. “Are you mad?” El asked. Hell yeah, he was. “No.” He couldn’t even say the truth. Instead, he just tried to swallow it down, like always. Pathetic. “I’m going to my room.” And that’s what he did. He just left. And nobody came after him.
In the quiet darkness of his room Will broke down. He felt like the most selfish and idiotic asshole that ever existed. Tears were streaming down his face, and he couldn’t even stop it. He thought of Jonathan’s gift. Boys don’t cry. But he did. He always did. God, he just wished all the pain he felt would finally stop for once. Or that he would live somewhere far away, where loving another boy wasn’t so complicated. Maybe in another timeline. Maybe in one where El didn’t exist.
Yeah, he really was the most selfish and idiotic asshole that ever existed.
-
Weeks later nothing had changed. El and Mike were still together and Will was still third wheeling. At least Mike talked to Will again. But never as much as he did with El. Of course, El was his girlfriend – but Will was his best friend. (even if he wanted to be more)
It was the 22nd of February 1986 now. Only one month till Mike would show up in Lenora Hills. To visit El of course. Seeing him on the other hand was only a side fact.
A knock on Will’s door got him out of his thoughts. “Yes?” El walked in. The last person Will wanted to see right now. At times like this he missed Hawkins more than anything in the world. There he could just escape to Castle Byers if he wanted to be alone – but even if they would still live in Hawkins, Castle Byers would be gone. Thanks to Will’s cashout back in July last year. “I just wanted to tell you that I’m going to the post station real quick. You know, sending Mike an answer to his last letter. Do you have one too?” El asked and Will just shook his head. Great. How could Mike write tons of letters to El, but call him only about two times? (Maybe a ton of letters was an exaggeration, but it felt like it) “Okay, bye then!” As fast as El came, she had already left again. And now Will was alone. Jonathan was at Argyles house and Joyce was shopping groceries.
For the first time in forever he had the whole house to himself. Finally. Now he could blast some good music without Joyce or El telling him to turn it down. Without Jonathan- okay, Jonathan never really had something against Will’s music. Most of the time he was out anyways, or down in the basement where he didn’t even hear a thing. How did he make a friend so fast? Will didn’t even know half of his classmate’s names.
Slowly Will began to look through his records. Billy Joel, Bowie, Queen. All in alphabetic order. The Beatles, The Clash. The Cure. He completely forgot about this vinyl. After his breakdown on Christmas, he didn’t dare to touch it. Somehow, he felt guilty about it. So, he put it into his collection of records and had let it vanish from his mind completely. A shame, actually. He didn’t listen to it for once. He couldn’t just let it lay around like Jonathan did. So, he decided to put it on.
The first song was called ‘Jumping Someone Else's Train’. Will really liked the use of instruments. It was something new. But the lyrics didn’t seem to be something special, really. The next song – the one the LP was named after. ‘Boys don’t cry’
I would say I'm sorry
If I thought that it would change your mind
But I know that this time
I have said too much
Been too unkind
“Wow…” Will said quietly. How could Jonathan not listen to THIS? This was a masterpiece. And Will only heard about 30 seconds.
I tried to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I tried to laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'Cause boys don't cry
Slowly a tear began to run down Will’s face. Ironic, really. But he couldn’t help it. How did a band from the UK write lyrics that fit so perfectly into his situation? It felt like every line was meant for him and him alone.
“Stupid feelings.” He said and harshly wiped that tear on his cheek away. The jealousy of Mike’s and El’s relationship built up once again. Right from his hurting stomach to his aching heart and from that on to his burning throat. Only if Mike knew what Will felt. But he probably would never. Because he wasn’t like… that.
It wasn’t like Will never tried to tell him. He had letters over letters (probably the amount of what Mike and El wrote to each other in all those months they’ve already lived in California) locked away in a box in his closet. Letters he wrote just some days ago. But also some from way back in ’84, when he first realized he felt different towards Mike than he actually should. But he could never send those out. Even if he wanted though. That would destroy not only their friendship but also Mike’s and El’s relationship. And despite the fact that he sometimes wished in secret that they would break up some day, he didn’t want to be a bad ‘brother’. Nor a bad (best) friend. So, he would just shut up about it.
I would tell you that I loved you
If I thought that you would stay
But I know that it's no use
And you've already gone away