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gray felt like a burning building sometimes.
the stoic kind that stands proud in the middle of the city. it doesn’t spread or make noise, it just burns silently.
he exhales the smoke from the cigarette burning between his fingers. it was a quiet night. magnolia was never particularly loud at night, but he appreciated the quiet anyways.
it was weird, gray had never been someone who focused on the little things in life. everything always seemed soaked in some type of tragedy, because unfortunately, it usually was. things were different this time, though. ever since galuna island, seeing leon for the first time since his master's death, trying to best uhr by resurrecting the root of his trauma, watching her melt into the ocean, everything felt so unreal. everything was so sensitive. it was like he was living outside of his body sometimes, watching himself live his own life. he was sidelined in his own life, but he was the one who sidelined himself and he's the one who won't put himself back in the game. but on the walk to the beach he's sitting on, he admired the full moon and the way it shines on the grass. he appreciated the sound of an owl hooting in the distance. he appreciated the stones he walked over that created stairs down to the beach.
and now the sand is soft and grainy under him. he throws the butt of the cigarette between his fingers under his boot, rubbing it against the sole along with the mess of other stubs. he'll throw them away when he leaves. after all, being depressed didn't give him the right to litter.
the tide is creeping up closer and closer to him, but he doesn't plan to move. the ocean could swallow him for all he cared. maybe then uhr could hug him one last time.
uhr.
fuck, he missed her.
he had been so focused on his revenge, he forgot to focus on the love in front of him. he couldn't accept love a lot of the time. ever since deliora, he's just kind of figured everything leaves eventually. ever since uhr, it basically confirmed it for him. every good thing he had, he ruined. it was who he was. his destiny, in a sense.
maybe he'd be like this forever. the waves crash on the beach. has uhr reached the shore yet? what happens when the water evaporates? does she go with it?
is she happy?
tears well up in gray's eyes, but he wipes them away with the heel of his hand. that's not how it worked. he doesn't get to miss her, not when he was the one who killed her.
he tried to ignore that fact, suppress it until he couldn't drown it out anymore. until it came bubbling up, grief holding him in a chokehold. like hands wrapping around his neck when he lay awake in bed late at night. like the burning weight on his chest when all he wants is to be held. maybe if he bothered to stay after one night stands, he'd be a little less touch deprived. a little less hollow feeling.
but now he's here, alone on the beach, full of grief and absolutely nowhere to put it.
"well, who do we have here?" he was alone a second ago. he whips his head around, staring at the pink haired man behind him.
"what the hell are you doing here, pyro?"
natsu shrugged, sitting beside gray with his legs crossed, arms behind him. he stares at the scene in front of him. "couldn't sleep. thought i'd take a walk. i smelled you when I got near your apartment. so i tracked you here."
"it amazes me how you say shit like that so casually." gray rolls his eyes, reaching for his pack of smokes. he holds the cigarette between his teeth, looking around for the lighter. he reaches into his pockets, trying to see if he left it in there.
"what's that supposed to mean?" natsu's hand reaches up and pinches the end of his gasper, igniting it with his fingers. gray takes a grateful puff.
"it's not really something you do," he rests his elbow over his knee. "follow people around by finding their scent?"
"hey, you say it like it was on purpose." he laughs a little at the end of that, and gray feels his heart tense a little. "i could smell you from miles away."
"real funny numb nuts." gray appreciated having something to do with his hands. it had been weirdly tense between them for a while now. since before galuna island, even. there was always a tension between them, they were rivals after all. but there was this heaviness in the air, eye contact that lasted too long, hands during fights ending up in places like each other's asses, it was just...weird. and gray is pretty sure he knows what it means. what the brewing in his chest or the flushing of his cheeks mean. he just doesn't want to admit it. to face the facts right in front of him.
"trust me, i know."
a quiet settles over them, like silt on the ocean floor. gray feels dizzy and his stomach is churning. he blames it on his cigarette as he takes a drag.
"so," natsu reaches into his pocket, pulling out a messily rolled joint. he tightens the tip of the reefer before pinching it with his fingers, igniting it as he leans back on one hand. he takes a long, deep inhale. "what are you doing all the way out here?"
"it's a long story." gray grimaces and stares at the ocean crashing onto the shore. "but i couldn't really sleep either."
"it's one of those nights, i guess." natsu rips his joint, coughing heartily as he exhales.
"what's even in that thing?" gray's not sure if he wants to know. natsu smoked some pretty weird shit sometimes.
"it's just a spliff," natsu says, his voice strained. "tobacco and weed."
"well, cmon then, don't hog all the fun." he flicks the ash from his coffin nail, grabbing natsu's spliff and taking a long, deep drag of it.
he feels the buzz settle into his body as he takes one last puff before handing it back to natsu. gray was more of a drinker than he was a stoner. getting so fucked up he couldn't think was his favorite pastime, after all. but it's nice, he decides, looking back over at the ocean. it sparkles in the moonlight. it pulls at gray's heart more than it should.
they sit in another bout of heavy silence. it settles over them like silk. it has a softer presence this time around. it was nice, just, sitting with the guy for once. every time they crossed path it was blow after blow, and hell, natsu deserved every one with all the shit he talks. but, sometimes you don't need fists to speak the words for you. the silence can say it all. of course, most people just know how to say it, but gray was never very good at that sort of thing. and maybe it's weird, never really talking to someone and knowing their favorite color is red; or that their favorite food is ribs, they like their steak cooked medium well, they hate perfume shops or too many people in one place, but gray never cared. maybe he should. maybe he should grow a pair and talk to someone he cares about, but with natsu and his big mouth, he didn't know if he could. if he ever would.
the idea of never honestly talking to natsu, like a real heart to heart, scared him more than he'd ever admit.
"it's weirdly pretty out here." natsu broke the silence. "it kind of reminds me of igneel."
"didn't you live in a forest?" gray asks.
"well, yeah," natsu laughs and grays heart jumps again. "but, he used to teach me about the constellations late at night."
"really?" gray retorts. "you know about the stars?"
"not that crazy, ice princess." nastu rolls his eyes, taking another hit of his spliff.
"prove it." gray puts out his cigarette on his boot. "what's that one?"
"awh, come on." natsu leans up from his position on his elbows. "how the hell am I supposed to know where you're pointing?"
"thought you were all knowing."
"you're asking for a right hook, y'know."
gray laughs, laying on his back. he crosses his hands behind his head, staring up at the sky. he can hear the ocean waves crashing in the background. natsu follows suit, right hand behind his head, joint resting in his left.
"choose one, any of em." gray starts. "tell me about it."
"w-well," gray bites back a quip at how natsu's nervous over something as trivial as this, but he knows when to pick a fight, unlike flame-for-brains. "do you see that line?"
"the three stars there?" gray doesn't know why he's so eager to hear about it. he doesn't know why he feels at peace in this moment.
"yeah," natsu lowers his hand. "if you look up, you can almost see a person's torso, and to the side is a kind of bow."
"what's it called?"
"orion." natsu takes a hit, exhaling. he offers the ziggy to gray and he accepts. "he's some hunter. and if you look over there, just below orion, there's almost kinda rabbit-lookin thing. you see it?"
gray nods in response as natsu continues. he doesn't really understand how the hell it looks like a bunny, but whatever. "that's lepus, he's the bunny orion's chasin'."
"he's not too good at catching him, huh?" he passes the joint back to natsu.
“he’ll get him one day,” natsu lifts it to his lips, blowing a perfect ‘o’ before pressing the joint to his forearm. he throws the end in front of him, settling back into the sand beneath him. “ya never really know what can happen if you put your mind to it."
gray thinks of the thoughts that chase him. the ones that hold him in a chokehold. the ones that he runs from until it catches up and he has to stare at the ocean until he breaks down. he doesn’t really know how to fix it. or if he wants to. his self-loathing has lasted so long for a good reason, afterall. it’s all his fault. he just wishes there was some other way he could atone for what’s happened. maybe he could find it at the bottom of the bottle or in a very specific stance, arms crossed, a wild look in his eyes.
but the stars are beautiful tonight. natsu is here. the waves are crashing and gray doesn’t feel so bad.
but there’s still people gray will miss every day. he will miss his home, his mother, his father, despite the fleeting memories of them. he can’t remember his mother’s face, just her hands and her warm fingers against his cheek. there isn’t much you can do against such a force.
grief and nostalgia, love and the future, it all goes hand in hand. the lines between everything are always so strewn, so blurry. good and evil, love and hate, you can’t have one without the other. you can’t be happy without grief licking your heels when you walk.
and natsu, the embodiment of hope and joy, never seems to have a bad moment. gray hates him for it. how can you act so sad when that storm of abandonment is brewing inside of you?
“i’ve never really been one to sit on the beach.” natsu admits like it’s not the one place gray longs for the most. like it’s not the one place he sits almost nightly nowadays, poking the beast
of emotions that lay on his chest.
“then why are you here now?” a part of gray wants him gone, but the other part just wants to pull him closer. he can’t handle this.
“someone’s gotta look out for you.”
gray can’t hold back the tears. they stream past his eyes and land on his cheeks. he’s never been one to cry, but natsu’s full of surprises. he pulls parts of gray out that he doesn’t realizes he still has. like the frail, broken kid who still lived inside him. who wants love more than anything. to be looked out for, to be held, to scream at the sky until it falls apart.
natsu doesn’t answer. he just stares at the stars, an unreadably gentle look on his face.
he feels a warm, calloused hand wrap around his. gray’s felt natsu’s hands a million times before. just usually his fist against his cheek or grabbing him to throw him across the guild hall. natsu’s always been a pain in the ass, a warm feeling in his chest, and a beacon he can’t stop looking at. he’s had fling after fling, girl after guy confess to him, and yet this moment, something as trivial as a hand in his, makes his heart soar. it feels more intimate than anything else he’s ever experienced. it brings him something he can’t quite understand just yet.
but he’ll figure it out one day. it might just take a week or a month or years to figure it out, but it feels more certain with natsu by his side.
“you’re so lame.” gray says.
“you love me.” natsu answers.
gray doesn’t argue it.
the tide brushes his pants and licks at his pant legs. he thinks it’s uhr’s way of saying, “i’m proud of you.”
for a moment, he thinks that maybe orion caught lepus after all.