Work Text:
“I know you, whether you like it or not.”
Till couldn’t completely understand why the words made him feel so awful. It wasn’t anything about the person who said the words, but the way the sentences strung together in a way that sounded like him… like Ivan . The familiarity and the comfort reminded him of a brighter time- a time where Ivan would lean against him and watch him draw.
Now he’s gone.
Now he’s gone and all Till can do is hope they’ll meet again somewhere. All he can do is look back at their old conversations and write letters that will never be opened. A part of him hoped that one day he wouldn’t write anymore letters… He hoped that one day he would be able to talk about what he cherishes without instantly thinking of Ivan.
He hoped one day, he’d be able to stop writing letters that’d never be sent.
4/30/22
Hello. I miss you. I still don’t know exactly how to put it all into words. You said at one point that ‘I’d leave you’ and how ‘everything ends’ and I can say now with more certainty than before (even though I was 100% certain then) that will never happen because I will never find someone who is anything like you. Talking to you is as easy as breathing. I don't like people really, I get annoyed and exhausted very easily, but you genuinely never made me feel overwhelmed. you just came into my life with a bulldozer and carved out a very significant place there- you’re a constant for me. You’re my best friend, you always will be and I just hope you’re doing alright wherever you are. I love you very much .
5/1/22
I just wanted to say I love you and I miss you
Life update: I didn’t do too much today, just cooking and trying to organize my drawing stuff- which is a mess?? I've been tapering down on meds which is crazy and I'm being hit with weird symptoms like ‘feelings’. I don’t think I like them very much.
5/2/22
I've never posted here from my computer, but... there's a first time for everything, I guess. I got very distracted today and I mean, I have a lot to do, but as you know I have a habit of putting things off or just completely forgetting to do them.
I miss you, it's a bit infuriating actually. I don't particularly know how to describe my feelings- or well, you explain them better.
“I miss them so much it feels like I lost a limb.”
“Nobody is ever going to see me like they did.”
“There will always be a me, but the me I am now will never be the me I was when I was with them.”
At the time of that last quote, I said I related to the sentiment. I feel like, while maybe I did; with people in general: there's sides of everyone, parts of everyone, that are good to lose. I think when you said that, the way I related to it, the me I was with that person, probably was good to lose. It was a good change. how I related to it before and how I relate to it now are very different- the me I am with you is one that I would never be better off without.
There's a lot of irony in me saying ‘There's a first time for everything’ and you telling me ‘It's just that everything ends’. I feel like in a lot of ways we oppose and contradict each other.
I'm horribly quiet and you are much more upbeat and friendly (even if some of it is an act). For some reason you always thought you weren't doing enough or you weren't enough (which is inaccurate- dare I say stupid), you tried really hard for others, something I wouldn't bother to do for most people. Your words were like poems and mine were basically constant shitty college lectures. We had a very easy type of friendship, where (and i hope this feeling is mutual), it felt easy to be myself with you. We said at one point something about how you would message me when I was isolating and I would tell you where I was going and we made up for each other's anxieties, filled in the gaps, really perfectly did things to help the other feel less insecure.
I think the one place we really were the same is this jealousy , jealous about others, jealous about our creative works. I was jealous a lot about you, more so than I ever really admitted- maybe it's because even now I'm still insecure about it all… insecure about how I stand when it comes to others and whether my feelings are reciprocated. Maybe this time it was worse because I truly think you know the most about me.
Oh god this is such a long and terribly over the top emotional message (and I've gotten interrupted in the middle of typing it a few times- like Mizi just pinged me and Luka about porn?)
I'm embarrassed. Ok, I will be back again at some point tomorrow.
If i don't delete this in less than 24 hours I’ll be shocked, I hate sharing emotions- yuck .
5/4/22
So, today has been a day.
I miss you. I was listening to the songs you sent me a while back, like Brazil by Declan Mckenna and Greek Tragedy by The Wombats. I decided to watch the music video for that song and it was crazy.
Also I just realized, I have to go grocery shopping with Io in a couple days and I'd normally text you while I was out and it... will not be fun... without that- not because I don't like being with my mom, I just will probably think about you and be sad.
Now, I'm not about to get emotional about pussywillows or whatever, but I remember trying not to die laughing at the store when I saw those flowers and instantly thought how I needed to tell you about them and of course you say that they're a nice flower, making me seem- or well, feel a thousand times more immature, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
I wish you were here to give me shit for these messages, emotions just don't suit me and you are normally my self control.
5/7/22
So, I'm writing a song about soulmates- I wish I could tsing you it. I miss you. I'll probably continue to say it over and over even when I run out of words to use. I'll be back again soon. I love you very much
5/9/22
I miss you. I really, really miss you. It's been a long day, and I miss talking to you about things, I miss hearing your opinions, I miss having you around, there's so many things I miss I can’t even name them all. I still owe you dinner and a movie.
5/17/22
Hi, its been a couple days, I meant to send something here every couple days, but it's been one of those times where I isolate and get distracted and the more I think about it the more I miss you because you’d probably be someone I’d talk to, you always made it so easy. You made it easy to exist.
I think loving you was like breathing… easy, comfortable, natural- without you I feel like I’m drowning. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to come up for air, or if I’ll forever feel short of breath.
5/25/22
Hi. I love you. Sorry I’ve been posting less. I promise I’ve been thinking of you just as much.
Earlier I was talking to my therapist and we were going over my progress in building healthy relationships and I was like “I think, even though we have problems with communication, my relationship with Ivan is the most healthy I’ve had.”
The only positive version of that meme “don’t make me tell my therapist about you” or whatever.
5/27/22
Miss you and love you.
5/30/22
Today was a lot (or yesterday?)- I have a habit of starting to write here and then getting distracted.
Yesterday, I didn't know how I was supposed to feel. I still don’t know how I should feel or how people normally feel in these situations. I think I'm just so numb to loss that nothing really bothers me. I don’t know. There's very specific people I'd care if I lost- and then everybody else.
TLDR; Marty and I got into an argument over something stupid. Its weird because I really don’t feel anything when I think I won't talk to Marty anymore. I felt upset not talking to you and at this point I think the only person who I care about as much besides my family is you.
I think it has a lot to do with just talking to someone daily and getting used to having them in your life, and that probably sounds kinda ungrateful almost- but I guess for me I refuse to get close to people- so when someone gets close- it means a lot to me. It’s a trust thing and the ability to depend on another person- in some cases just for existing?
I just don’t know what others feel during things like this or how to go about it. I think for me it’s either pure numbness and not feeling anything or being completely broken by loss and not many people qualify for that second one.
Love you and miss you.
6/2/22
I love you and miss you.
6/8/22
Sorry for writing to you less, life has been hectic. I’ll have to update you about it later.
A year flew by all too fast for Till. It’d already been over a year, huh? He didn’t feel like it’d been that long. He’d barely started to grieve. He definitely hadn’t been through all the stages yet.
After a while of not writing, Till pulled out the notebook again. Mizi had talked to him about Sua and it always made Till think of Ivan, about what he and Ivan could’ve been.
7/27/23
I have a lot of emotions; about you, about life in general, about myself… just so many thoughts- and I don't even know why I came here to write but I can't seem to find closure when it comes to our relationship and the only way I really know how to cope is to write.
I just can't believe you’re gone. If you’d told me this time a year ago that we’d stop talking- that you’d be dead, I would've thought you were crazy and yet here we are. I don’t want to believe everything was a lie, but logically if you did care so much, why did you go? Was it because of me? Did I do something wrong?
7/28/23
Googling how to forget someone just doesn’t work how it's supposed to.
I looked up ‘how to forget a soulmate’ because I do genuinely believe we’re soulmates (whether the feeling is mutual or not. i hope it is- or hope it was) and it was like “figure out the lesson they taught you” and I wasn’t sure what it was until I saw this phrase ‘or perhaps they’re trying to teach you the actual definition of what love is?’
I think you really did teach me how to get close to people and be myself and even though we’ll never talk again I know I'll never forget you.
7/29/23
Life update: I may be changing my name to subway for a lifetime of free sandwiches.
7/30/23
Hi, I miss you.
You said once “I'll be me but I’ll never be the me I was with them” and it stuck in my head like it was glued there. I'm me, I’ll always be me, but I'm not the same me I was when we talked.
I wish you could see me now. I'm making friends (sort of) and I'm trying to fill the void you left me with… no one can be you though and I really don’t think anyone could be my friend in the way you were
You make me sad- or the lack of you makes me sad. Sometimes it feels like the ground is falling through and I'm clawing to keep myself above ground. sometimes I feel so hollow without you.
Today I was thinking about who to tell about my stupid subway name thing, who I want to tell my stupid day to day life stories to and you’re the person I thought of.
7/31/23
I woke up to this very personal comment on my drawing and it reminded me of you. It can’t be you though. I still don’t understand it- why you left. Did I do something wrong? Do you not like me anymore?
I don’t think I can find anyone else who clicks with me the same way you did and it scares me. It scares me that I lost you and the emotions surrounding it just scare me too.
I have a huge fear of time passing, of loss, of the way time ticks forward every second: and as I was thinking about it earlier- about how time will continue to pass until the one day it stops passing for me; I thought about forgetting you. I thought I probably won't forget you until the day that I die.
I also couldn’t help but think that even with you gone, time continues to pass. How am I supposed to just.. go on. How does everyone else who knew you go on? I just don’t understand it.
Sometimes I wonder if it was all in my head. I wonder if you cared about me the same way I cared about you... or was I just delusional? Was I something you could throw out so easily? Was I nothing to you?
And then I'm here again pathetically messaging someone who will never reply. Maybe it's better you don’t, maybe you deserved better.
I know how loss feels, I've known since I was a kid, but I didn't know loss could hurt like this… like a gouging pain in my chest, like someone sliced it open… like I can't breathe. Maybe it's because this loss isn’t a fight or breakup, where I have a reason to hate you, I don't. I don't hate you and I don't think I ever could.
I love you.
8/1/23
Hi, I should be writing a song right now, but instead I am here. This is pathetic right?… or maybe obsessive and creepy? I just need to have some type of closure and this is the best I can do for myself right now. Maybe one day I'll be able to say goodbye, maybe one day I'll move on, but today is not that day.
I was talking to Mizi about it and,, I kinda wish you did something to make me hate you. I wish you'd yelled at me or told me I was crazy or something… like, it would’ve hurt, but it would give me a reason to disconnect- to move on. Except, you did nothing wrong. There's nothing I can be mad about besides you killing yourself.
8/13/23
Hi, I’m listening to our song. I have a lot of emotions, but I don’t really know how to place them. I’m sad- I don’t think I’ve given myself time to grieve losing you. It's weird because I always try to stay on good terms with people, in case something happens to them, but we weren’t on the best terms before you died.
I miss you
“How’ve you been feeling?” Mizi asked, as they walked to class together. Normally Mizi went with Sua, but she’d had an early meeting.
“Alright,” Till lied. He was okay, but he was thinking about Ivan more than usual lately. It was so weird to him, how people seemed to just move on, but he was stuck. It was as though a ghost was haunting him, keeping him standing in place and unable to move.
“You’re not a good liar,” Mizi commented, looking up at the sky, “Come with Sua and I bowling in a couple days.”
“I don’t want to be a third wheel.”
“I’ll invite Hyuna too,” Mizi argued, “You need to get out of the house.”
"Fine," Till responded, knowing that Mizi probably wouldn't let him not get out of the house.
So he went. He talked with people and got a few strikes. It was a good time, but right when he got home he pulled out his notebook.
11/29/23
Hi, it's been a while since I wrote you something.
I've been trying to get out there and talk with people- or well, Mizi has forced me to. I think you'd be proud of me for trying.
Someone talked about soulmates today and it made me think of you.
Maybe we’ll find each other again in our next lives, or maybe in another universe we’re still together.
1/2/24
Hello. I try not to write to you anymore, but I don’t know, I just have been talking to people a lot recently about their people and it may sound crazy but it made me think of you. I miss you and I love you.
11/7/24
Hello I haven't posted here in a while and maybe one day I won't post here again. It may be selfish but I hope that’s the case someday.
Sometimes I wish I didn’t miss you anymore, but nothing seems to fill this void I’ve been left with. I feel so alone it hurts, it hurts so badly. I'm so lonely without you. It’s so pathetic and I know all you wanted was for me to be happy and move on, and I'm trying but it’s so hard, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.
I have so much to live for, so much I want to tell you, but you’re gone and I'll never be able to.
I sometimes wonder if we’ll meet again in another life. I wonder if that's possible. I sometimes wonder if you were my soulmate and whether I'll ever find someone else who just gets me the way you did.
‘There will always be a me, but the me I am now will never be the me I was when i was with them’
You said this once and for some reason it’s like you predicted our future.
I miss you, I love you, and I hope in another life we’ll meet under better circumstances.
Till hadn’t written a new letter in months. Life had become a bit overwhelming and with school, friends and work, he never really had the chance to pick up a pen. It’s not like he’d forgotten about it all. Every once and a while, he’d think of Ivan and be overwhelmed with emotions. He wondered if it would ever stop.
He still knew exactly where he’d placed the notebook, below his pile of music sheets. The book was beat up, stained in tears, but it was one of the last connections to Ivan he had. It was his only way to talk to him.
7/13/25
Ivan,
I hope this is my last message to you, even though I’m pretty sure it won't be.
Honestly, I wish it wasn’t, I wish you were there and could reply but you can’t and I have to face that. I have to come to terms with it. No matter how much I wish for it, you’re not coming back. No matter what I say or do, nothing can change what happened. We can’t turn back time- if we could I would never let you go. I’d annoy you until you talked to me and let me into your stupid brain.
Why? I can’t help but continue to wonder why it had to go this way. What made you hate yourself so much? Why did you leave? Why were you okay leaving me? Did you have any idea how much this would hurt?... or did you just have some stupid thought like that I’d be better off without you? You always did have such disdain for yourself, behind that awful fake smile. Your real smile was breathtaking- or well, the smile you had when you were with me.
Was it my fault? Did I just not see how much pain you were in? Could I have prevented this if I was just a bit more observant? If I’d just stopped and paid attention more, if I’d asked more questions, if I’d bugged you about your emotions more, could things be different?
I miss you. I miss you so much it feels like a part of me is gone. It feels like my heart has been gouged out of my chest and taken away when you were taken in a body bag. Whenever I think about it too much, something catches in my throat and it feels hard to breathe.
It’s so stupid. I’m so stupid.
I can’t really help it though; the way losing you feels like losing an appendage… the way your voice haunts me to this day, the way your laugh is burned into my brain like some kind of sick branding. The way I reread our last messages like something new will appear and explain to me what the hell happened, but it never does! Yet, I still keep looking, keep rereading in hopes that something will make it all make sense. Nothing ever does. Make sense, that is.
Do you hate me?... from wherever you are? What do you even think of me? Was I even important to you or was I just delusional? Were the words you said to me real? Did you really love me? Did you even care? Am I just crazy hanging onto a dead man like he’s a life raft?
I wish you hadn’t left me with such high standards. It’s hard to befriend people- to let people in- when all I can do is compare them to you. I don’t want to be with someone if they aren’t as good as you and I don’t think anyone will ever meet those standards. How do I forget about you? Will I ever stop thinking about you?
There’s so many treasured memories I have of you. So many things stained with memories of you- forever tainted. It’s not even just things, feelings are also affected. Every time I feel excitement or pride, all I think about is you. I just want to tell you and ramble on about the things I care about because I know you’ll support me. You always would. Hell, you’d probably even support me if I killed someone in cold blood. I obviously would never do that, but whatever I did, you always showed me so much love and compassion. Was it even real?
Will I ever escape the ghost of you haunting everything I do?
I remember talking with you about empathy, about our pasts, about a future we wanted to have together. I still want to cook you dinner and get boba with you. I still want to hug you- God, I just wish I could hug you. I wish I could hear your voice again. I wish and wish and wish but that's all they’ll ever be: wishes.
I’m afraid you were my soulmate. I’m afraid we were meant to stay together forever, and now I’m just living on some bad ending. I’m afraid I’ll never move on and be happy. I know you wanted me to- “Please be happy…” You told me, “ You deserve the whole world. I hope you have a reason to smile every day and have a happy and fulfilled life… You deserve everything good that life has to offer…”
I don’t care what I deserve though. I just know I want you. I want you back so badly.
“You’re really great, better than so many people on earth and you should know that I mean that more than I've meant 99% of things. I love you and I’m sorry.”
I read this message over and over until my eyes were red from crying.
I’m mad. I’m mad you sent me this message in a stupid letter, that I wouldn’t find until you were gone. It was cruel. You were really cruel to do that. I’m so mad I’ll never be able to tell you I love you too. I’m furious I’ll never be able to tell you how much you meant to me. I don’t think I ever articulated it in a way that explained just how much you meant to me. I don’t think there even are words that explain it well enough. Every word I can think of doesn’t hold enough weight.
I’m mad. I’m mad at what happened, but I could never be mad at you. I wish you weren’t as good of a person, because how the hell am I supposed to move on, how am I supposed to keep going when you- when every memory of you I have is a good one? How am I supposed to love again when every time I get close to someone I can’t help but think of you?
I still love you. I love your dark eyes, your stupid smile and your little sharp tooth. I love the way you cherished me like I was something valuable- like you cared. I love the way you always spoke like some kind of natural poet. I love the timbre of your voice and the way you’d bite your lip when you were anxious. I love all the stupid little things; playing your favorite games and writing music together.
I wonder if wherever you are, you regret leaving too.
I wonder if we’ll meet again in another life. Would you stop me on the street? Would you smile at me the same way you did before? Would you take my hand and drag me around like you always did? Would you fall in love with me again?
If there is a god- if there’s some omnipotent being, I’ll pray to them to let us meet again in a world where it’s easier for us to be together. I’ll pray that we’ll find our way to one another again. I’ll pray with everything in me that we’ll meet again, even if only for a brief moment.
In our next life, I’ll be sure to tell you how much you mean to me. I'll be sure to hold you close and never let go. I'll be sure to cherish you as much as I can. I'll do whatever it takes to keep us together.
Love you and miss you,
Till