Work Text:
The Mixtape
Sam and Cass strap Demon!Dean into the chair in their dungeon. Sam has started giving Dean hourly doses of his blood, but with each injection, Sam starts to doubt their plan on curing Dean.
Sam to Cass “What the hell are we doing to him Cass? I mean even after giving him all that blood, he still said he didn’t want to be cured. That he didn’t want to be human.”
Cass responds “Well, I see his point. You know, only humans can feel real joy, but also such profound pain. This is easier”
Sam strengthens his resolve, twisting open the flask of holy water. Sam and Cass watch as Dean’s black eyes turn back to green before their eyes. Dean catches his breath, he looks up, the weight of everything he’s done as a demon clearly settling in. Realization struck, he’s human again. Sam and Cass look at him in disbelief and caution. In true dean fashion, he looks at Sam and Cass and says, “You look worried fellas”. Sam and Cass share a look, when Sam splashes holy water in deans face. Confirming that it is Dean again. Dean puts on his “really guys?” face unreactive to the splash. Full of love, Sam says “Welcome back, Dean”. Dean looks at Sam, then Cass.
An hour later, Dean is settling back into his room at the bunker. He’s lying in bed, looking at old pictures of his family. First a picture of Himself, Bobby, and Sam, followed by himself and Sam when Cass knocks on his door. Dean sets the pictures aside and invites Cass in “Yeah” Dean says. “You look terrible” Cass replies. Dean scoffs, “You know it wouldn’t kill you to lie every now and then”. Cass responds “No, it wouldn’t kill me, I just, you,” he starts to trail off. Dean looks at Cass, taking amusement in Cass’s awkwardness. God Cass looks so cute when he’s flustered, he thinks. Out loud he says, “Forget it” He starts to get up out of bed and continues “well, you on the other hand, you,,,, you’re looking good.” He walks towards Cass to ask “So, you’re back?” hoping Cass will stick around for at least a little while longer. Whenever Cass leaves, doing God knows what, Dean can’t help but wish Cass was standing next to him instead. Watching whatever Clint Eastwood movie is next on Dean’s list of movies Cass has to see. Dean is brought back to the present when Cass says “At least temporarily, it’s a long story, Crowley, stolen grace, there’s a female outside in the car. Another time.” Dean needs a moment to process that. A female in the car? A female…. Do they have a thing going on? Is he into her? I don’t know why I’m feeling a little weird about that. I mean, she has to be an angel, right? Someone he wouldn’t have feelings for. Wait, why does it matter to me that he’s with a girl right now? He’s a good-looking guy, I mean I just said that to him. It makes sense a girl wants to be with him. He can see whoever he wants. Another train hits this thought, and he hears “temporarily” echo out. As if Cass had just said it. Temporarily…. He’s not staying for long…. How long is temporarily anyways? A few hours? Days? Please God don’t let it be months… Is he going to leave the bunker to go do something with her? Would he rather be doing something out there with her?
Dean pauses, takes a deep breath and focuses back on Cass standing in front of him now. “Well, thank you for um, stepping in when you did.”
Cass looks straight at him with an unreadable expression. I never know what he is thinking. Dean changes the subject “Well, what does Sam say? Does he want a divorce?”
Cass responds “I’m sure Sam knows whatever you said, what you did, wasn’t really you. Certainly, wasn’t all you.”
“I tried to kill him Cass”
“Dean, you two have been through so much, look you’re bothers, take a lot more than trying to kill Sam with a hammer to make him want to walk away”
“You realize how screwed up our lives are that that even makes sense.” This makes Cass chuckle, wearing that beautiful half smile that just releases a wave of calm throughout Dean’s body.
“I’m glad you’re here man” Dean says. Cass turns to walk away. He’s halfway out the door when he says “Hey, maybe you should um, take some time before you get back to work, allow yourself to heal. It’s uh I don’t know, timing might be right. Heaven and hell they seem reasonably back in order. It’s quiet out there.” Cass closes the door, leaving Dean alone in his room. There was something in his chest, something he just couldn’t shake.
Dean puts on his headphones, lays back down in bed, and starts listening to Led Zepplin. Whenever Dean needs to sit with himself, or starts to feel an emotion build up in his chest, Zepplin is his first comfort. Dean wasn’t much of a talker, and feelings, he pushed those down deep, ignoring them to keep on moving. There is something about music that speaks so honestly and its full of raw emotions. Artists saying words, exploring feelings that Dean just didn’t have the strength to say. To even admit. Cass keeps popping into his mind. “Temporarily” “I have a female in the car” “Another time”. “Temporarily”. Why is Cass always leaving him? Why does it hurt every time he does? Why do I miss him so much?
Desire starts playing
With blazing eyes, you see my trembling hand
When we know the time has come
Lose my senses, lose command
Feel your healing rivers run
Is it every time I fall, I think this is the one
In the darkness can you hear me call
Another day has just begun
Another day
Cass….
Dean falls asleep. Dreaming about all the times Cass left. Betrayed him. Died. Over and over and over Dean has lost Cass in every painful way imaginable. The latest when Dean died and became a demon. He had left the bunker, left Sam, left Cass. He had to. Becoming a demon, without his humanity, Dean didn’t have to deal with the pain. Family ties, friendship, love, they all didn’t matter anymore. Except. That’s not entirely true. There was a sliver, deep in his gut. A kernel that didn’t want Cass to see Dean like that. Cass was the only being in the world that could have brought Dean’s humanity back. To want to be cured, to be better, for him. That road brought pain. Pain and torture, that he no longer had to hold on to. He left, and he found Crowley. The same one that Cass had betrayed him for when he was looking for Purgatory. The same one who kidnapped Lisa and Ben, leading Dean to the decision to wipe their memories of him, to keep them safe. Demon!Dean didn’t care about any of that. He didn’t have to. It was easier. Now human, he feels ashamed of himself. Going to Crowley, the things he’d done to and with him. Things he’d never be able to do with Cass.
He woke up in a cold sweat, Cass sitting beside him.
“What were you dreaming about?” Cass asked, the same way he had once done when Dean came back from Hell.
“Nothing. I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not.”
Dean does not want to talk about this. Ever. So, he changed the subject.
“Cass, what did I tell you about watching me sleep anyways? It’s not comforting it’s creepy and we have talked about this”
“Yes, we have, but I’ll have you know. When you have dreams that intense, I can’t just ignore them, Dean. I was worried. So, I decided to watch over you.”
Dean short circuits. He just woke up; he can’t process that right now. He doesn’t even notice that his face is heating up. That Cass can see him blushing. Cass thinks to himself, a human this beautiful, how can he do anything but watch. When he sleeps peacefully, when he has nightmares, when he makes those adorable micro-expressions that could easily be missed if he wasn’t watching so intently. Dean Winchester is a sight to behold, and dammit if Cass wasn’t entranced.
Dean finally says, “I need some coffee”. He gets up and makes his way to the kitchen, leaving Cass in his room, on his bed. Dean’s mind is racing. How can Cass say something so heartfelt and embarrassing without blinking an eye? Does Cass even realize what he’s doing? Dean’s brain is working overtime trying to beat down these thoughts, these feelings. By the time Dean returns to his room, Cass is gone. He looks throughout the bunker; Cass is nowhere to be seen. Dean checks the garage and Cass’s car is gone. A new tear in his chest rips into him. After Cass said all that stuff earlier, and he’s just gone. I mean technically Dean left first…. He gets frustrated at himself again. Dean’s never been one for words, honest conversations about feelings, but Zepplin, somehow had the words. Had the strength to speak those words, put it out for the whole world to hear. Dean wishes he could be that brave. He gets an idea. If Dean couldn’t say the words out loud, maybe he can have Zepplin say it for him. A mixtape. A personalized mixtape with 13 songs that make me think of Cass, songs I want him to hear, with words I wish I could say. This should be easy, and it’ll get my point across. Show him how much I want him next to me, how much he means to me, as my best friend. Yes, totally heterosexual. I love Cass, he’s, my bud. My best friend. Nothing more and nothing less. Totally.
About 14 hours later, Dean has gone through Led Zepplin’s entire discography. He has 9 studio albums, 4 live albums, and 10 compilation albums, and Dean has gone through them all. It turns out there are way too many songs that remind him of Cass. Picking only 13 out of all of them that make him think of Cass, that Cass HAS to listen to, turns out to be impossible. Over the next two days, this man has been painstakingly narrowing it down and has finally decided on the top 13 tracks Cass needs to hear.
- Whole lotta love
- You’ve been learning, baby I’ve been learning, all the good times baby, baby I’ve been yearning, way way down deep, uh honey you need it, I’m gonna give you my love
- Desire
- With blazing eyes you see my trembling had, when we know the time has come, lose my senses, lose command, feel your healing river run
- Thank you
- If the sun refused to shine I would still be loving you if mountains crumble to the sea there will still be you and me
- Since I’ve been loving you
- I’m about to lose, I’m about to lose, lose my worried mind, and just one more, just one more oh year since I’ve been loving you, I’m gonna lose my worried mind
- The rain song
- It is the springtime of my loving; the second season I am to know You are the sunlight in my growing. So little warmth I’ve felt before. It isn’t hard to feel me glowing, I watched the fire that grew so low. It is the summer of my smiles, flee from me keepers of the gloom. Speak to me only with your eyes, it is to you I give this tune, aint so hard to recognize these things are clear to all from time to time
- Tangerine
- Tangerine, tangerine, living reflections from a dream I was her love, she was my queen and now a thousand years in between thinking how it used to be does she still remember times like these? To think of us again, and I do
- Going to California
- Seems that the wrath of the gods got a punch on the nose and it’s starting to flow, I think I might be sinking throw me a line, if I reach it in time, I’ll meet you up there where the path runs straight and high
- Battle of evermore
- Side by side we wait the might of the darkest of them all. I hear the horses thunder down in the valley below. I’m waiting for the angels of Avalon waiting for the eastern glow. The apples of the valley hold the seed of happiness. The ground is rich from tender care, repay do not forget.
- 10 Years gone
- Did you ever really need somebody and really need em bad? Did you ever really want somebody, the best love you’ve ever had. Do you remember me baby, did it feel so good? Cause it was just the first time, and you knew you would
- That’s the way
- And yesterday. I saw you kissing tiny flowers but all that lives is born to die and so. I say to you that nothing really mattered and all you do is stand and cry. I don’t know what to say about it when all your ears have turned away, but now’s the time to look and look again at what you see is that the way it ought to stay?
- All my love
- Should I fall out of love, my fire in the light to chase a feather in the wind within the glow that weaves a cloak of delight there moves a thread that has no end, for many hours and days that pass ever soon the tides have caused the flame to dim. At last the arm is straight the hand to the loom is this to end or just begin?
- Fool in the rain
- Well there’s a light in your eye that keeps shining like a star that can’t wait for night. I hate to think I been blinded baby why can’t I see you tonight? The warmth of your smile starts a burnin’ and the thrill of your touch give me fight and I’m shakin’ so much really yearnin’ why don’t you show up and make it alright?
- Baby, Come on Home
- There was a time I used to call you on my very own We were so happy woman talking for hours and hours on the telephone. Then one day I set you up to walk right out of my life, leaving me all by myself all alone to cry every night (Babe babe babe) I want you to come back home
Dean looks over the list over and over again. He’s confused, because the songs are right. Out of everything, this is what I want to say to him. But why are they all love songs? Love, yearning, needy. I would be way too embarrassed to give this to a chick, especially one I have feeling for. Especially one I didn’t know would like me back. But Cass is a dude, so it’s different. Not as embarrassing. These are just really good songs. I think Cass would like them and I want him to hear them. So maybe it’s best to just not think too hard about it.
Another day comes, and Cass knocks on my door. He and I head to the Dean Cave and grab beers. He tells me the story about Crowley, stealing another angels grace, running into Hannah. There was definitely a lot going on. The way he’s describing Hannah gives me the feeling she likes him more than as a friend, but he seems to have no interest whatsoever. Thank god. Wait, what? Nevermind. A silence falls in the room. Dean starts to talk about what he’s been up to in the bunker, but besides the zeppelin hyperfocus there wasn’t much to say. Dean thinks, I guess there’s no delaying this anymore, I’m going to give Cass the mixtape. Now. I need it out of my pocket and out of my head asap.
“So, Cass” Dean clears his throat. “I um, thought since you helped me get rid of those black eyes, I wanted to give you something. To say thanks.”
Cass tilts his head, confused. “Dean, you already said thank you. I don’t need anything else.”
Dean looks down at his hands. About to reach into his back pocket, he says “Yeah, Cass, I needed to do this. I did some things as a demon, I’m not exactly proud of, and you brought me back from the edge. Again. It feels like every time you save me, you always end up in danger, and this time, there was none of that. I’m grateful. That you are here with me. That saving me didn’t cost you anything. That you are okay.” Fuck. I didn’t mean to say all that. What the hell just came out of my mouth. I can’t look Cass in the eye right now. Fuck… the mixtape is starting to burn a hole in my pocket. All of those songs, what they mean. My face starts to feel hot, I know I’m blushing now, and I can’t seem to stop it.
Cass starts to walk towards me. He lifts his hand to my cheek, forcing me to look at him. He doesn’t say anything, just stares into my eyes, as if he’s looking for something. Something only I have. Something he wants.
I can’t look away. He’s piercing blue eyes are focused on me, like I’m the only thing that exists. I can’t find any words to say. There aren’t any. There is just him, his hand on my cheek, and his hot breath on my face. He’s so close, our noses are touching, his mouth is only a short distance away from me. I close my eyes, heart pounding so loud it’s like a drum beating. I’m sure Cass can hear it. I wait. Nothing. I can feel him pulling away. The space he took up suddenly cold, empty. My heart drops. I don’t want him to go. Where is he going? Why can’t he stay? I open my eyes, pull the mixtape out of my back pocket, and clear my throat. “Cass, wait”. He stops and turns around. “Take this.” I toss him the mixtape. Getting close to him again, handing him the mixtape, our fingers touching during the exchange, I couldn’t do it. Cass reads the name of the mixtape: Dean’s top 13 Led Zepplin Traxx
He thinks to himself, that’s an odd way to write tracks, but it must be a human shorthand. He smiles softly, “Goodbye Dean”. He walks out and closes the door behind him. Dean breathes a sigh of relief. “See ya Cass”