Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Scranton, Pennsylvania
Scranton Business Park

Jim Halpert pulled into the parking lot Monday morning, bright and early, relaxed and reenergized.

That four-day weekend at Cove Haven with his girlfriend Pam Beesly was the perfect getaway for both. They decided that a full week together over the summer was a must, and it would've been nice to extend the weekend another week, or so.

Monday was here, and Pam had been asked to come in a half-hour early. Jim decided to meet her at work, and to get there a few minutes early himself.

Jim Halpert: Everything was normal. Nice, cool, sunny morning, come to work, have a nice day, then go home and have dinner with Pam. Well, I had that.

(long pause)

And as a "bonus" (Jim makes quotation marks with his fingers) I got chewed out by this new receptionist; Pam freaking out; and Michael losing his mind, at work and at my apartment...good times.

Jim walked through the front door of Dunder-Mifflin and glanced at the receptionist's desk -- and stopped cold after he saw an unfamiliar, pony-tailed, pretty but stern-looking brunette. She glanced briefly at Jim, then turned her attention toward the boss's office with a hard glare.

In the corner of his eye, he saw someone standing at his desk; he turned and saw a wide-eyed Pam, staring at the reception desk, then slowly looking toward the boss's office.

Inside, the boss -- Regional Manager Michael Scott -- feverishly typed on his laptop, hidden behind a large stack of folders. Michael briefly acknowledged him, then went back to typing on his laptop like a madman.

"What's going on?" Jim asked Pam.

"I got here and there she was, and Michael was working in his office," she said. "Actual work. Real work."

"Are you...is she...did they...who is that at your desk???" Jim asked, as the phone rang at reception.

The brunette picked it up and answered. "Dunder-Mifflin, this is Kate."

Chapter Text

Jim pulled Pam away from the desk and into the break room.

"What is going on?" Jim asked.

"Um...I got here early, like Toby asked me to in the email," Pam said. "When I got to the front door, Toby was waiting for me."

"What did he say, what did he do?"

"Well, he stood there for a few minutes and kinda stared at me and I saw...her...sitting at my desk."

"Toby met you? Michael's here -- they're not firing you--"

"No. No! Not that," she said.

"So why have you come in early and bring in a new receptionist? And who is she?"

"I asked Toby that, after clearing my throat a few times to get him to stop staring at me--"

"Okay, why was Toby staring at you?"

"I have no idea," Pam replied. "He must've been in a daze...anyway, he snaps out of it, and tells me I'm not fired, but they're loaning my job to someone else. Her."

Both looked out towards the office and noticed some of the other employees -- Kevin, Oscar, Phyllis -- arriving in the background, with Kevin doing a double-take at reception.

Jim asked, "'Loaning'? Why?!?"

"It's corporate, and Toby says he can't tell me because they didn't tell him."

"Uh, okay," Jim replied, as Pam shrugged her shoulders. "So, uh, we have two receptionists?"

"No. My...temporary job duties are yet to be--"

Oscar Martinez, having noticed Jim and Pam on his way to his desk, went into the break room instead, stopped and pointed towards the office. "What on earth is going on with Michael? He's working."

"Yeah, we noticed that, too," Jim said. "Not that our boss doing actual work is a bad thing, but--"

Phyllis Vance then walked in. "Pam, someone's at your desk...are you fired?"

"No, no," Pam said. "I was--"

Before she could explain, Kevin Malone burst into the room. "Pam, someone's at your desk," he said.

"Yeah, there is," Pam said.

"She's hot."

"Yes, she's very pretty."

Kevin slowly nodded, then pondered his response. "Who is she?"

Everyone turned towards Pam, who replied, "I have no idea."

The New Receptionist (with Kevin; Oscar; Phyllis; and Andy Bernard looking through the window over her left shoulder): My name is Kate Tod--my name is Caitlin Rose, but I go by Kate. I'm from Indiana. I love dogs, flowers, especially roseferns, my privacy, drawing, coffee, and woodworking. I was sent here from the agency to be the receptionist, and to make sure the regional manager does his job...by any means necessary. (She abruptly looks over her shoulder at the others, who scatter a few moments later, then turns back to the camera and smiles before looking off to her left, and getting up to leave.) Excuse me.

Jim walked into Michael's office after the new receptionist went into the conference room; Dwight Schrute followed closely behind Jim, only to have the door shut in his face; Dwight found the door locked when he went to open it.

Michael was still at his desk, typing on a laptop while looking at a folder. Jim looked over Michael's shoulder as Dwight kept knocking on the other side of the door. "Michael, what are you doing?"

"Work," he said. "Inventory, corporate says it has to be done by the end of the day."

"Quarterly inventory?...we're supposed to do that tomorrow, Michael."

"Corporate wants it done today," Michael replied, before glancing out his window while the doorknob jiggled. "Thank God she's away--oh God she's behind the door isn't she?"

The door opened and -- to Michael's momentary relief -- Dwight walked in.

"The door was locked," he said, glaring at Jim. "Fortunately I am skilled at picking locks."

Dwight Schrute: I was taught to pick locks at the age of seven by my father, who sometimes locked himself out of his house to maintain that particular skill. I quickly mastered the skill, as I was locked out of the house in a driving rain, sirens blaring in the distance, a funnel cloud forming nearby and my family in the storm cellar. Over the years lock picking has been useful; last summer, I locked my keys in my car and had to pick my own car door not just to retrieve my keys but to rescue my cousin Mose from the 150 degree temperature inside the vehicle.

"I see that," Jim said. "Congratulations. You've just violated company policy."

"False: I did no such thing," Dwight replied, bristling at Jim before turning his full attention to Michael. "Are you in danger, Michael? Do you require aid? Do you need rescue?"

Michael looked up at both men, sweat beads forming on his forehead. "No, Dwight, I'm fine, I just need to...no, I'm not fine, I came in an hour early like David Wallace asked me to, and the temp from Hell was sitting there with the devil."

"The devil?" Jim asked.

"Toby is the devil, and she," Michael replied, looking toward the reception desk, "she is Toby's demon, who devoured Pam and has been sent here to torture me."

Jim paused, then pointed towards the door. "Pam's right here," he said, as Pam waved while walking in. "And that receptionist has only been here for two hours."

"She might be the nicest person in the world," Pam added.

"You wouldn't say that if you saw her demonic glare, Jim," Michael said.

"Perhaps she is an incubus," Dwight interjected, "or a balrog."

"A 'balrog'?" Jim asked, right before he heard Michael yell out and fall backwards in his chair, onto the floor. Dwight pushed Jim out of the way to get to Michael; Jim and Pam noticed Kate standing in the doorway.

"Mr. Wallace said he needs that project done by the end of the day," Kate said, arms folded -- and glaring at Michael.

"Don't worry--Dwight, get me up--no, dammit, not by the armpit! Just, just, just help me up--no, I'll get the chair myself--"

Kate rolled her eyes, then walked right to Michael's desk -- as he was repositioning his chair -- and cast her withering gaze upon him.

"I'll get right to it--no, Dwight, stop! Stop it! Don't touch her--thank you. And you" -- he looked at Kate with trepidation -- "can tell David this will be done by the end of business. Now, the rest of you, out! Out!!!"

Michael went back to furiously typing; Kate went back to reception; and the rest of the office looked towards Jim, Pam and Dwight for some kind of explanation of what was going on. Then they turned towards the front door, and the man who walked in, stopping at reception.

"May I help you?" Kate said with a touch of snark.

"Yes. My name is Tony DiNardo, and I'm the new salesman," he said, loudly. "So where do I sit?"

Chapter Text

If not for the sounds of Michael pounding on his laptop's keyboard, the office would've been silent after Tony DiNardo announced his arrival.

"I guess it's up to me to introduce myself...formally introduce myself," Tony said, standing next to reception, holding a suitcase in one hand and a box filled with personal effects in the other. "I'm Anthony DiNardo Junior. I'm transferring up from the Fairfax branch...I guess they didn't tell you?"

Tony looked around, saw that Jim, followed by Kevin and Dwight, shook their heads, and put his belongings right in front of Kate (who then pushed them out of her way). "I'll take that as a 'no'."

Jim -- after a nudge from Pam -- walked over to introduce himself and the others in the office: Pam; Dwight; Andy; Phyllis; Stanley Hudson; Kevin; Oscar; Angela Martin; Creed Braxton; and Meredith Palmer. "And there's Michael Scott, the Regional Manager, hard at work in his office...let me intro--"

"Let us introduce--" Dwight interjected.

"--me introduce you to Michael," Jim said, as Tony walked over. Both men went into Michael's office.

Kate started to get up from her chair, saw Dwight doing the same, and both stopped while sizing the other up. They left their desks and slowly began walking toward Michael's office before making a dash for it; Kate beat Dwight inside.

Michael called corporate headquarters in New York, specifically CEO David Wallace, who confirmed Tony and Kate's hiring.

"With the Naval Ordnance plant moving to Wilkes-Barre from Virginia and General Defense opening a branch in Scranton, I wanted someone who has connections to both," Wallace said over the speakerphone. "DiNardo has those connections, and Fairfax was merging with Baltimore, so I offered him a position."

"Without telling me?"

"Everything happened quickly" -- Tony nodded -- "and I haven't had a chance to tell you until now. Don't worry. You won't have to let anybody go from the sales side."

"That's good, David," Michael said. "But now we have two receptionists and we only need one." Kate scowled at Michael. "Can I send her back to the temp agency?"

"Actually...no," Wallace replied. "She works for us. Caitlin is your new receptionist slash assistant."

"So I have to fire Pam?" That drew Pam into the room, and Andy and Kevin to the doorway.

"No, however, Scranton is technically overstaffed, and I'm not certain we have room in the budget to accommodate the extra persons...Michael? Michael....Michael are you on speakerphone? Is your door closed?"

Everyone -- including Toby and Kelly Kapoor -- was either surrounding Michael's desk or crowded around the doorway.

The warehouse

Darryl Philbin, Warehouse Manager: I'm looking for someone to work in the warehouse. This is the fourth time in the past two months I've had to hire someone for that position. The first guy fashioned himself as a businessman, before he got arrested for selling weed on the Scranton University campus. The second guy wrestled on the weekends...I believe my cousin saw him on TV the other week. The third man walked off the job at lunch and Madge saw him working security at the mall....It's become quite a challenge to find someone who is willing to man up, stay out of trouble and stay on the job.

Darryl was operating the forklift when a young, athletic, attractive woman walked into the warehouse. After Darryl was pointed out to her, she walked up to him as he got off the forklift, and handed him her resume.

"I am Carol Johnson," she said. "I am from Chile and live in Moo-sick. I would like to apply for the open position. I do not dog around and I come to work not to play."

"'Dog around'? You mean 'dog it' or 'mess around'?" Darryl said.

She thought for a moment. "Yes."

Darryl looked at Carol for a couple of moments, then skimmed over her resume. He invited the raven-haired woman to his office for a formal interview -- and afterwards hired her on the spot.

Chapter Text

The office

"Everybody out," Michael said to the people packed next to his desk. "Nobody's going anywhere. Not if I can help it."

No one moved.

"OUT!" he screamed. "Go! Go!!!"

"You heard Michael," Dwight interjected. "Everyone else is to leave the premises immediately and report back to their desk."

Dwight began moving towards Michael but Jim pulled him back and out of the room.

"Wh-what are you doing?!?" Dwight snapped at Jim when they were back near their own desks.

"Helping you report to your desk," Jim said nonchalantly.

While Kate kept one eye on the two and listened in on their banter, she kept the other squarely on Michael.

He put his face in his hands and considered calling David again. He looked up, saw Kate walking back to reception, then took a deep breath and exhaled. After minimizing the spreadsheet on his laptop, Michael turned toward his desktop monitor, and opened the folder titled "SONG PARODIES".

Smiling broadly as he opened the document titled "GOODBYE TOBY WYATT", he failed to notice his door quietly being opened. As far as he knew, the cameraman (shooting above his shoulder) was the only other person in the room.

Goodbye Toby Wyatt
I wish I never knew you at all
So why don't go back and find
The rock from which you crawled

Michael erased the next few lyrics and hastily rewrote them.

You da da da da da da
Da da da da da da da DRAIN
Da da da da da da daaaaaa
And Satan is your naaaaammmmeee

And it seems to me you live your life
Like a far-rt in the wind

Michael snickered. "I like this song. It's called 'Goodbye Toby Wyatt'. Toby's a stupid name. So is Flenderson. Wyatt in between sounds like a stupid serial killer who works in HR when he's not killing people. But I'm having trouble coming up with some of the lyrics."

"Is that hard?" asked a female looking right over his shoulder.

"That's what she said," Michael blurted. A couple of moments later he realized who she was. He turned and, glaring with a sense of dread and fear, saw Kate glaring back at him in frustration.

The warehouse

"Carol" agreed to start work the next day, but insisted that Darryl give her the grand tour of the park.

For four of the five companies in the business park -- Vance Refrigeration; W.B. Jones Heating and Air; Cress Tool and Die; and Disaster Kits Ltd. -- they walked into the reception area, stayed briefly, and left.

Darryl: In the case of Dunder-Mifflin, I tried to convince her there was nothing to see. Hank the security guard agreed with me. Carol insisted on visiting, against my recommendation.

I hope she comes to work tomorrow.

Against his better judgment, they walked into Dunder-Mifflin.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!"

Darryl and Carol saw Michael screaming and running, out of his office towards the back. As everyone else noticed the commotion, a peeved Kate walked out of Michael's office.

A few moments later, Michael ran back into the work area, still screaming, chased by Toby. He ran past Carol and Darryl out the front door with Toby right behind him; Kate kicked off her heels and put on a pair of sneakers, then sprinted out the door to catch up.

Kate: During the job interview, Toby insisted I bring a pair of sneakers to work, every day, in case I would need them....I think I'll need to get another couple of pairs this weekend.

Dwight, thinking Michael was in danger, took off after Kate, brushing past Carol.

"That man, the one they're running after, seems to be disturbed," Carol said to Darryl. "Has he tossed his salad?"

Darryl looked at her, confused as to what she meant.

"Michael's outside! They're chasing him!" Meredith shouted, as she looked out the windows in the conference room. Everyone else hurried in, and saw Kate; Toby; and Dwight running after Michael, who ran across the street into a vacant lot, past a black van.

"Where are they going?" Oscar asked, as the foursome disappeared from view. The phone at reception rang, and Pam hurried out to answer it; Tony slipped away to make a cell phone call out of earshot.

The black van, parked on the street, looked like it came from the junkyard. But inside, hidden from view, were two federal agents and some high-tech computers and spying equipment.

Tony placed a call to one of those agents. "Probie. You have eyes on Kate?"

Chapter Text

Carol and Darryl moved into the conference room with everyone else. Carol saw Tony quietly making his way back towards the break room but didn't let on. Jim and Pam also noticed Tony; looking for Michael and company was a higher priority.

In the break room, Tony -- a.k.a. Special Agent Tony DiNozzo -- got through to the person he abruptly called, who was set up in the black van.

"Probie! You got eyes on Kate???" Tony asked, lowering his voice as not to attract any unwanted attention.

"Yeah but we might lose her," said Special Agent Tim McGee, who was following Special Agent Kate Todd and the others on a monitor in the van. "That guy's going to lead them out of range of--"

"DiNozzo!!!" barked Tony and McGee's boss, Special Agent in Charge Leroy Jethro Gibbs (who was patched into the conversation). "Sitrep."

"Uh, they're all in that conference room trying to see them...Boss, I need to get away from--"

"Where's Ziva?"

"Conference room. Guess she got hired--"

"DiNOzzo!!!"

"Yes boss!!!"

"She'll know to stay there. McGee or I leave, we're made. You get down there and catch up with them."

"YES boss!"

In the conference room, almost everyone was looking out the window, as Dwight sprinted past the van across the street. With a nod from Jim, Pam left and headed towards reception.

"They went toward the train tracks," Meredith said.

"Is he bankrupt again?" asked Phyllis.

"Isn't it obvious? He's trying to escape from his problems again," Angela replied, looking derisively in Phyllis's direction.

"That train better be going reeeeeaaallll fast for Michael to escape," Kevin observed.

"Escape?" Andy said.

"From HER," Kevin replied.

"The new girl? Kevin that doesn't make sense," Kelly interjected. "I'M scarier than she is. And I look cute. Don't you all think I look cute?" She turned around to show off her outfit, then saw her boyfriend Darryl. "Darryl!" She ran towards Darryl, saw Carol, stopped, and frowned.

"Somebody needs to look for them," Oscar said a few moments later. "Someone needs to take control of this situation."

He and the others turned to Jim, who as Assistant Regional Manager was the acting boss in Michael's absence.

"Tuna? I'll go!," Andy said. "Anybody know where they're going? I still don't know Scranton all that well--"

"They're on the lam, running from the pigs," Creed said. "Five-O must be after them."

Jim paused a moment. "I'll go. I think I know where they're headed."

"And I'll run the office while you're gone Tuna," Andy replied.

"No, you won't," Jim replied. "I'll be on speakerphone. Pam's desk--"

"I thought she was fired," Angela said.

"Not true," Jim said, looking out towards reception, where Pam had taken a seat. "She's at her desk...say, anyone know where that new guy went?"

Chapter Text

Tony ran from the annex past Pam and out to the elevator, then opted to go down the stairs. Jim, who saw Tony run out the door, took the elevator.

Tony stumbled sprinting down the stairs and nearly lost both his phone and footing before recovering his balance.

"Where did they go, McGee?" Tony said as he headed towards the building's lobby.

"Right past the van," McGee replied.

"What van, Probie?"

"The van McGee and I are SITTING IN, DiNozzo," interjected Gibbs. "Across the street."

Jim ran off the elevator and literally right into Tony as he ran out the stairwell door into the lobby. Both men bounced off each other, with Jim bumping into the cameraman behind him and nearly knocking him over. Dazed and confused, Jim thought he ran into Michael or Dwight.

Tony didn't know what hit him, just that he had to get eyes on Kate. They exchanged apologies, then Tony turned towards the parking lot. "Hey, we were looking for you upstairs," Jim said.

"Uh, yeah, yeah...got a...call from the Naval Shipyard, wanted to talk shop," Tony replied. "You headed out?"

"Yeah...I'm going to look for Michael, and Dwight and Toby and that new girl--"

"Kate?"

"Yeah, I think I know where they're headed--"

"Mind if I tag along?" Tony said abruptly.

Tony: I'm a movie buff. Started way back, my mom got me into it. (pauses) I've seen just about everything -- (does Peter Cook impersonation) "Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder today. Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wiff in a dweam. And wuv, tru wuv, will fohwow you fowevah, so tweasure your wuv." -- know which movie that line's from? (waits for cameraperson's response) Princess Bride! Ah, NOW you recognize it...I've seen just about every genre, every actor and actress, all the classics, hello!...I am coming up empty when it comes to comparing what I saw today to a scene from a movie. Even a B-movie, C-movie...YouTube?

Tony rode with Jim as they went down a series of side streets, looking for Michael.

"I think I know where they're headed," Jim said, turning from a stop sign with both front windows rolled down.

"You're from here," Tony said. "Shouldn't you be going a little faster than (looks at the speedometer) 25? And with the windows up?"

"I want to be able to hear them."

"It's freaking cold, man!"

"Where would Michael go if he was running away, other than the trains, since they're not running at the moment and that didn't work the last time?"

"Maybe he ran back to his--wait. He's done this before???"

"Oh yeah, after he declared bankruptcy."

Tony paused for a moment. "So this guy, your boss, talks to his lawyer, freaks out, then runs for the trains? That's--"

"No," Jim interjected. "He walks out of the break room, shouts 'I DECLARE BANKRUPTCY', then after discussing his situation with one of our accountants, Oscar and getting chewed out by his then-girlfriend Jan, bolts out of his office and heads for the train tracks."

Tony pondered that, wondering what kind of op Director Shepard had put him into. Then he heard some shouting off in the distance that kinda sounded like Kate's voice. Jim heard it as well, making a sharp left turn, then speeding down another street and an alley, before coming to a stop in a parking lot.

"Bollywood?" Tony muttered.

"Excuse me?"

"Nothing. So where in hell are we?"

Jim: After that incident with Jan, we all discussed what Michael would do if he ran away from the office again, on foot, with only his wallet and his phone and we knew he wanted to get out of town fast. We decided he'd catch the Colts line to Wilkes-Barre in front of Chicken King, to get his last meal before flying off to a life on the run somewhere in Mexico.

"Bus stop," Jim said as they got out of his car in a mostly-empty Chicken King parking lot, and pointed towards the street corner, then explained the backstory.

"What are we supposed to do when we see them, Halpert?" Tony asked; a second later he and Jim heard Kate's faint yelling, and shortly afterwards they saw Kate on Michael's heels, with Dwight several paces behind and Toby nowhere to be found.

"Michael! Stop!"

"Get away from me!!!!"

"Michael I'll save you!"

Tony and Jim saw them head towards Chicken King, then looked at each other.

"Monty Python," Tony said.

Chapter Text

Chicken King

After Jim calmed everyone down -- and made Michael promise not to run away again -- everyone went inside the Chicken King restaurant to settle down.

Michael and Tony ordered lunch. Jim ordered a soda while trying to reach the missing Toby on his cell phone, then called Pam to let her and the office know where they were. Kate bought a bottled water.

"Toby was a couple of blocks behind us," Kate told Jim. "Would he know we're here?"

"He was there when we came up with the Chicken King plan, so yeah, probably," Jim replied. "I'll keep trying."

Dwight put in a complaint with the manager after learning beets weren't on the menu in any form.

Michael: Chicken King is the greatest fast-food restaurant on Earth. Not only is their food tasty and filling, but also nutritious. (camera looks down at a plate of fried chicken, french fries, cole slaw, macaroni & cheese and hush puppies next to a steaming cup of coffee)

You have the five basic food groups. Meat; freedom fries; slaw; cheese; macaroni; bread rolled up into a ball and fried; and coffee.

"Those are not the basic food groups," Kate said incredulously to Michael."

"Probably not to you," Michael said. "You would say fire, brimstone--"

"Michael, be nice," Jim interjected.

"--cabbage and cucumber water."

"Kate likes cucumber water," Tony said.

"And how would you know this?" Jim asked.

Kate glanced at Tony for a split-second before addressing Michael. "I don't like fire, brimstone nor cabbage. I do like cucumber water, though. It's tasty and healthy."

"And this isn't?" said Tony, who pointed to his own plate of fried chicken, potato wedges and cinnamon roll with a medium soda on the side.

"That's disgusting," Kate replied.

"Kate. Why don't you review the basic food groups for us while I call Toby?" Jim said.

"Sure. Fruits; grains; vegetables; protein; and dairy."

"That can't be right," Michael said.

"Oh, really," she replied.

"Protein is that stuff they sell in the pharmacy section of SuperStore," Michael said. "I see a guy buy it by the bucket all the time. He's huge, freakishly huge, like the Hulk. Muscles on top of muscles, lives in a condo down the street from me. Guys go in and out of his place; I think he's either gay or that protein's doing something to his body that's gonna get him banned from the NFL."

Kate was speechless.

Jim looked at the camera, raised his eyebrows, and reached for his phone to call Toby's phone again.

Tony took a bite of a chicken leg, then stuffed potato wedges in his mouth.

"False," Dwight said, everyone else not paying attention to him. So he stood up and cleared his throat, three times without the others acknowledging him.

"ATTENTION! ATTENTION!" Dwight shouted loudly enough to make every other customer, the cashier and the kitchen crew turn their heads in his direction.

With the other four staring at him, Dwight sat down.

"Beets," he said.

"What?" Michael replied.

"You were wrong," Dwight said to Kate.

"About what?" she asked.

"The major food groups. You left out beets."

Dwight: Beets are the foundation of a healthy diet. They contain all of the nutrients one needs to live a long and prosperous life. Also, to fight with the army of Gondor and the elves of Lindon against the witch-king and the Nazgûl.

"Dwight, beets are a vegetable," Kate said, as a disheveled, out of breath Toby stumbled into the restaurant.

Before Dwight could answer her, Michael shot up out of his seat, grabbed one of Tony's chicken legs, and with one from his own tray, held it in the sign of a cross in Toby's direction.

"Beeee GONE you evil and foul demon!!!" Michael shouted -- again causing everyone in the building to turn their heads, and Toby to pause.

Toby staggered towards the tables Michael and the others were sitting at, as Michael frantically shook the chicken legs at him.

"Michael, your cross is upside down," Jim said.

"Oh my God, you're right. Thanks," Michael whispered, moving the horizontal leg to the top of the vertical leg. "BE GONE YOU DEVIL...why isn't this thing working?"

"Maybe because you have it in the shape of a 'T'," Kate suggested.

"Or you're using chicken legs," Tony added. "Maybe if you used these sporks--"

Toby kept staggering towards the group.

"Toby, stop...STOP TOBY! STOOOOOPPPPP!"

Toby stopped next to Jim and Tony's table. "I...I can't go any further. I'm...I'm..." Toby collapsed onto their, and Dwight's table.

"Omigod, I'll get him some water," Kate said before rushing off towards the counter.

"Hey man, take my seat," Tony offered, as he and Jim helped Toby sit down.

Michael picked up his tray and walked towards an empty table next to a window; Dwight followed him, only for Jim to drag them both back.

Michael: That's the last time I follow exorcism advice from a movie. (the cameraman asks him which movie he saw) It was a movie I saw on YouTube, 'Beast 666 in the Mall'. It must've been a trailer. It was only 12 minutes long.

After getting Toby fed and rehydrated, the group discussed how best to get back to the office without walking (nor running) back.

"Shotgun!" Michael said.

"Say what?" replied Tony, who had given his seat to Toby and was now sitting next to Michael, across from Dwight.

"Shotgun. I get front seat, Jim drives. The three of you can squeeze together in the back--"

"There's four of us," Kate said.

"Toby walks back." Michael said resolutely.

"No, Toby's not walking back," Jim said. "He's riding in the car."

"Then we'll put him in the trunk," Michael offered.

"Come on, Michael," Toby said before taking a bite of his ChickenalaKingwich.

"Maybe we should put YOU in the trunk," Kate said to Michael. She met his angry stare with a glare of her own, causing Dwight to attempt an angry stare at Kate.

"How about Toby, Kate and Tony ride in the car, Dwight gets stuffed in the trunk and we tie Michael to the top," Jim suggested.

"You can do that?" said Tony, who was returning with a refill.

Dwight turned around. "I will NEVER allow you to force me to ride in the trunk of your car, Halpert."

"Oh, I'm not forcing you to do anything Dwight," Jim said. "I'm only telling you what you're going to do."

"Well I'm not riding on top of a car," Michael said. "I ride shotgun, Toby rides in back--"

"Toby rides up front," Jim and Kate said in unison.

"--I'll ride in back with the she-devil and that guy you picked up off the street," Michael concluded. "Dwight'll ride in the trunk."

"I must be growing on you," Kate said to Michael.

Tony cleared his throat. "Hello?!? I'm your newest salesman!"

"For you, Michael, I will ride in the trunk of Jim's car," Dwight said as he got up from his seat. "I shall go out now and prepare room--"

"Actually Dwight, that's not what I had in mind," Jim said, putting up a hand to stop him. "I thought we would race."

"Race?"

"Yeah. You and me, racing back to the park, me driving and you running alongside."

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah. I'll even drive the speed limit--" Jim stopped talking and turned towards the entrance, noticing Kevin walking in.

"Ryan sent me here to pick you all up," Kevin said. "You care if I get lunch first?"

Outside, Kate, Toby and Tony got into Jim's car, Michael and Dwight into Kevin's.

The office parking lot

They got back to the office park. Pam stood by the front door of the building, crying.

Jim parked and ran to her side. "Pam, you alright?"

"No," she sniffed.

"Tell me what's going on."

"Ryan said we have her," she replied, nodding towards Kate, "so he gave ME my notice."

Chapter Text

Jim Halpert: So...Ryan Howard, who was once a temp here and now is a regional vice president and Michael's boss, fired but didn't fire Pam. The way he put it was--

Ryan Howard: Scranton doesn't need two secretaries, and Michael needs someone to look over his shoulder every second of the day and scare him into doing his job, which he should be doing on his own...Pam? I know how much time she and Jim waste during the course of a day. And if she can do something else, then her value to the company increases...you know, now that we've hired another salesman, Scranton may have one more than it needs.

Jim (after being told what Ryan said): That's coming from a man whose contribution to the company has been a website with a chat room intended for salespeople and clients to socialize that instead turned into a den of perverts.

The workday had come to a close, with everyone heading to their vehicles in the parking lot. Jim drove a still-upset Pam back to their house; there, he went to the kitchen to make her dinner, while she curled up on the couch and flipped through the television channels to calm her nerves.

There was a series of knocks at the door, which Jim ignored. After the fourth round of knocks and the start of a fifth, Jim turned the stove off and went to the door hoping to quickly get rid of the unwanted visitor.

Jim opened the door and was quickly wrapped in a tight squeeze by a panicky Michael.

"Oh god we're done WE'RE DONE!" Michael yelled as Jim pulled him into the living room.

After breaking free of Michael's grasp and shutting the door, Jim looked around for his boss. Michael had run over to Pam, and had her enveloped in a hug. Then he began crying on her shoulder as Pam mouthed 'what's wrong with him' to Jim.

"Michael. Michael," Jim said, grabbing Michael's arm to loosen his grip on Pam. "Let Pam go." After pulling him away and leading him to the other end of the couch from Pam, Jim said "Michael, what's going on--"

"We're screwed!!!" Michael proclaimed. "Pam's out of a job -- I'm sorry to tell you that Pam -- replaced by the secretary from hell, Ryan's not my friend anymore and Toby is involved!...And David won't answer my calls."

Jim tried to ignore Michael and sat down next to Pam, wrapping her in a hug.

"Oh my god, I'm out of a job," Pam said, putting her head in Jim's shoulder. "What am I going to do?"

"Hey. You're not out of a job yet. We'll figure it out," Jim said to Pam before feeling his right arm going numb.

He looked over and saw Michael squeezing it in a virtual death grip. "Oh Jim, what am I gonna do? What are we gonna do?" Michael whined.

Of course, the camera crew was there to record it all. All Jim could do at that moment was look at the camera and raise his eyebrows, hoping the blood flow would return to his other arm.

NCIS

Meanwhile, in the nearby town of Musick, Tony parked his car behind a garage, then walked a block to the house he was staying in during the op.

He walked in through the back kitchen and into the living room, where Kate, Ziva, Gibbs and McGee were, then stood there like a zombie.

"Shell shocked, DiNozzo?" Gibbs said as he drank his coffee, McGee sitting next to him working on a laptop.

"How was your first day at work, Tony?" Kate said sweetly and sarcastically.

Ziva snuck up behind Tony and goosed him, jolting him out of his daze.

"OWWWWWW!" Tony yelped, as Ziva stood back and smiled.

Tony gathered his thoughts and looked at Gibbs. "Boss, is that an office or an asylum? And can Probie take over for me?"

Gibbs chuckled.

Chapter Text

The next day was business as usual at Dunder-Mifflin.

Michael called David in New York and clarified Pam and Kate's status: Pam was still the receptionist and Kate now solely Michael's personal assistant.

Everyone else? Hard at work.

Jim: I've been working on a special project that I expected to pay off by now. Something unexpected happened yesterday which delayed it, so I'm going to have to step in and make sure this project isn't derailed.

Sitting at his desk across from Kate and with Tony on his right, Jim looked over at Pam (while noting Kate and Tony briefly glancing at him, then each other, then back to their monitors), then turned to his left and to Dwight.

"Dwight, are you prepared?" Jim asked.

"What kind of question is that?" Dwight replied.

Tony: That's what I thought when I overheard the question...little did I know.

"Of course I am prepared, for all contingencies," Dwight continued. "If, for example, the power grid permanently goes down I can live without electricity. I will survive on beets and my own distilled urine."

Kate and Tony gave each other a look of incomprehension.

"You'd drink your own urine," Jim said.

"Of course, along with water from the pond and rainwater."

Jim looked at the camera and raised his eyebrows. The camera then focused on Kate, who looked thoroughly disgusted, then to Tony, who seemed amused by Kate's reaction.

"Tell Kate and Tony, and myself, about your preparations in case of an attack," Jim said to Dwight.

"Attack?" Kate said. "Who would bother to 'attack' an office for a paper supply company?"

"Yeah, who would? Zombies?" Tony joked.

"There are numerous potential threats to defend against," Dwight answered. "Zombies are one. Bear attacks, another. Roving gangs. Lunatics. Jealous ex-lovers. Angry ex-employees. Cylons, both human and Centurion. Android replicants. Vampires. I have thought through every scenario for each."

"Cylons?" Tony said.

"Lunatics?" Kate added.

"What would you do, Dwight, if a bear was to rampage through that door and head right for you sitting at your desk?" asked Jim.

Dwight pondered for a moment. "My options include running--"

"Sounds like a great idea," Tony interjected.

"--towards the annex, where I have bear spray hidden."

Kate: Why am I not surprised that guy has bear spray hidden somewhere.

"What if a lunatic, wearing a Cylon t-shirt and convinced he was a cyborg vampire, ran towards you?" Jim asked. "You don't have time to run. You do have time to grab a few of your weapons from your desk drawer."

Kate: Weapons?!?

Dwight: Last year Toby forced me to remove my arsenal of weapons after I saved Jim from certain death. Since then I have rebuilt that arsenal...I would tell you what it consists of and where each piece is, but then I would have to kill you.

Tony: I thought Halpert was messing with the guy, kinda like you'd mess with a Probie--I mean, the new kid in the office...I wish I had known what was in that drawer. I'd have joined in. (Tony grins)

Dwight turned to open his desk drawer. "In that case, I would star--DAMN IT JIM!!!"

Everyone in the office turned in Dwight's direction.

"I swear to God Jim," Dwight spat out as he began throwing items on his desktop.

Kate and Tony glanced at each other, got up from their seats and went over to Dwight's desk to pick up what Dwight slammed on his desk.

"Awwww. A giant toy star," Kate cooed. "Squishy!"

"Here's a Lil' Eddy chocolate pen," Tony said, 'writing' on his hand with it, then licking off the icing. "Mmm. Not bad."

"Ewwwwwwww," Kate said. "Ohh, look." She picked up a can-sized toy poodle and pushed the button on its rear; its mouth began to move rapidly and tinnish-sounding barking sounds came from it. "I imagine he'd make a great guard dog, wouldn't you agree Dwight?"

Dwight merely glared at Jim, who was all smiles.

"Check it out," Tony added as he held up a toy helicopter. "A SuperSEAL Sea Eagle. Right in the middle of one of the all-time greatest action scenes in movie history, SuperSEAL III!"

"I loved that movie!" shouted Andy.

"Check THIS out," said Kevin, who had made his way over to the desk. "A Super Bendy Sword!" He began waving it around, almost knocking off Phyllis's glasses in the process.

"Look here," Pam said, pulling a plastic screwdriver out of a plastic case. "Baby's First BigBox Tool Chest!"

She noticed something in the desk drawer, picked it up and placed it in front of Dwight, and held her hand over her mouth to stifle a laugh.

It was a bottle of bear spray repellent encased in gelatin.

"You probably shouldn't eat the Jell-O, Dwight," Jim remarked as many of the others began to snicker.

Conspicuously absent was Michael, who was furiously working at his computer, watched carefully by an attentive terrier.

Chapter Text

Dwight, in a huff, stormed into Michael's office.

Toby: There was an incident where Roy attacked Jim and Dwight stopped the attack by pepper-spraying Roy in the face. Afterwards I confiscated Dwight's pepper spray and all of his other weapons he had stashed around the office. Last week, I was informed that Dwight had, ahem, replenished his arsenal, all of which is a violation of company policy.

(camera shows Jim showing Toby all of Dwight's hiding places)

With some help, I boxed up the paraphenalia and shipped it back to Dwight's home.

(camera shows Toby and Jim removing all of Dwight's weapons and cuts to Dwight's farm, where his cousin Mose stares at the package, confused at to what it is. Then it cuts back to Toby, at his desk, holding up a toy star)

As long as toys don't pose any kind of threat and don't interfere with work, they're okay.

"Michael! THIS has gone on long enough!"

Michael looked up from his keyboard. "What?"

Dwight thrust a gummy bear pistol in his face, then pointed towards his desk, where Pam and Kate were holding the plate of Jell-O-encased repellent. "Jim Halpert has screwed with me long enough--"

He looked down and noticed a terrier on his leg, looking up and growling with his bare teeth.

Dwight glared back.

Dwight: Bare teeth are a sign of submission in primates. Growling signals aggression. Growling and baring teeth: confusion. Glaring without showing teeth? Domination.

The glare/growl off lasted all of a minute before Kate walked in, picked up the dog (who continued to growl at Dwight) and sat down. She proceeded to glare at Dwight, who walked over by Michael and finally noticed Michael was glaring at him, too.

"Dwight. Out," Michael said.

"Michael I shall not allow this beast--"

"Hey!" Kate protested.

"Dwight. Out," Michael said again.

"--I shall not allow that beast--"

"DwightIsaidouttamyofficerightnowcauseIgottaFINISHTHIIISSSSSSS!!!" Michael screamed. Stunned, Dwight turned and went back to his desk. Kate nodded and grinned at Michael, then placed the dog back on the floor, in the doorway, facing out.

The break room

After Kate's cell phone rang and she left to take the call, everyone else -- other than Tony -- began to talk about Michael.

"Okay. What is going on with Michael?" Meredith asked.

"What IS going on with Michael?" Oscar added. "No jokes, no inapproriate comments. He's...quiet."

"He's been in his office working ALL day," Kevin said. "He hasn't come out for anything...even to go to the bathroom."

"Won't you grow up?" Angela snapped, as Kevin began giggling.

"Michael has his reasons which he does not need to tell you," Dwight said.

"I don't care what his reasons are," Stanley interjected. "He can keep doing whatever it is he's doing as far as I'm concerned."

"What IS he doing in there?" Andy mused. "Anyone know?" Heads shook. "Any idea?" Heads shook.

"It started yesterday when that girl arrived," Phyllis said. "She's got some kind of hold on him...where's Toby?"

Toby, sitting two tables over from Phyllis, waved his hand.

"What is her job, and what is she doing to Michael, Toby?" Phyllis asked. "I don't mean that like it's a bad thing. But he's not his usual self."

"You want him to go back to how he was?" Stanley said.

"No."

"Kate was hired by corporate to be Michael's personal assistant," Toby said.

"And who hired the rat in Michael's office?" Creed said. "Or did the cleaning people bring it in?"

"It's not a rat, it's a terrier," Pam said.

"Whatever it is, why is it here?" Angela said. "Toby, if she can bring that thing here, I demand I be able to bring my cat here too."

In no time at all Angela's complaints turned into everyone else's complaints about what they could or couldn't bring to work.

Kate walked back into the breakroom. Everyone else stopped arguing, then began peppering her with questions about herself, her dog and her hold over Michael.

Chapter Text

The breakroom

"How did you get that job?"

Phyllis's opening question to Kate opened the floodgates, and before she knew it she was inundated with questions:

"What have you done to Michael? Is it permanent? Can you make him give us raises?"

"Are you proficient in hypnosis?"

"Is that thing in his office really a rat?"

"Are you a Christian? Do you like cats?"

"Are your mental abilities legal in Pennsylvania? When will you release your hold on Michael's mind?"

"Shut up Dwight!!!"

"Everybody, let's lay off Kate, give her some breathing room--"

"Shut up Toby!!!"

"Why didn't you go to an Ivy League school, like Cornell, instead of a state school like Southern Cal?"

Tony walked in, phone in one ear and a burrito in the other, saw what was going on and sat down in the corner to watch. His arrival was noticed by just three people -- Kate, Pam and Jim -- and only when Kate acknowledged his raised hand did the others notice him.

"Hey! The other new person has a question. What would you like to ask me, Tony?"

"I have only one."

"Yes?"

"Were you ever in any wet T-shirt contests in college? And, do you have pictures you can share with us?"

"I was--" Kate stopped before she incriminated herself, then narrowed her eyes and gave Tony a withering stare that made him feel like his spine had iced over. Fortunately for Tony, the others went back to peppering her with questions; he went back to watching the spectacle until Jim and Pam bailed Kate out a short time later.

The warehouse

While Carol did the grunt work and handled the hazing given to new warehouse hires, she looked around for anything that might be out of place. Until the NCIS director was more forthcoming about the threat, Ziva figured she had to look for the haystack with the hidden needle.

Here she was in the haystack, all she had to do was find the needle.

She found a corner where she was out of earshot and adjusted her earpiece. "Gibbs I am reporting in."

"Anything out of place, Ziva?" replied Gibbs, set up in the black van parked near the office park.

"Nothing. It looks like a warehouse," she said. "It would help if Jenny told us what I am to look for."

The black van

"Watch the people, Ziva," Gibbs said. "Check back in an hour."

Gibbs took a drink of coffee and looked over McGee's shoulder at the feeds from the secret cameras installed throughout the park, then turned to the other man inside the van.

"You know, Ziva's right," Gibbs said. "It WOULD help if Jenny gave us more info. Or if your director gave us more info to go on, Tobias."

Tobias Fornell, a veteran FBI agent and friend and ally of Gibbs, took a bite of his Chicken King Royal Nuggets.

"They're obviously in collusion, Jethro, to make our jobs harder than they have to be," Fornell quipped. "I don't like being in the dark any more than you."

"Can't you get anything out of your director?"

"Can't YOU get anything out of Jenny?"

Both men sat in silence while McGee monitored the feeds.

"I'll talk to Jenny and you talk to your people," Gibbs said a minute later. "We need answers, Tobias."

"We might have better luck convincing Diane" -- the ex-wife of both Fornell and Gibbs -- "to stop taking our alimony payments," Fornell joked.

"I'll get something outta Jenny before that happens," Gibbs replied. "Anything unusual McGee?"

The junior NCIS agent scanned each monitor. "No, Boss."

Fornell poured himself a fresh cup of coffee from Gibbs's thermos. "You guys only do this nine hours a day? No overnight surveillance?"

"The cameras operate 24/7 and they're scattered all over the park," McGee answered. "We can monitor remotely from--"

McGee caught Gibbs's eye, read it as a glare and prepared himself for a headslap.

"From what, McGee?" Gibbs said.

"From, uh, anywhere, including here. 24/7. Boss."

McGee quickly turned back to the monitors and to his laptop. Fornell stared at Gibbs.

"What, Tobias?!?"

"You really would sit here 24/7, Jethro, wouldn't you...never mind, you would."

"Part of the job, Tobias. You volunteering?"

"No. I figured you'd make DiNozzo, Todd or David take the night shift...with you and McGee here with them."

McGee whistled but kept his eyes on the monitors; Gibbs glanced at Fornell, then McGee, and chuckled.