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"Phil! Come in here!"
"I'm making pasta!" Phil calls in the lounge's general direction.
"This is better than pasta!"
"The water's about the boil, Dan."
"Then turn off the stove and come in here!"
Phil sighs and turns off the stove.
•
"Okay, so you know that site GuruGossip?" Dan says, almost before Phil has entered the lounge. He's slumped in down on the sofa, laptop resting on his knees, eyes on the screen.
"Yes," Phil says slowly, stopping just inside the doorway. He leans against the wall. "I know you said you would stop reading it."
Dan glances up. "I don't think those were my exact words."
"I think they were."
"Okay, well, I basically did stop. But I still checked it occasionally. It wasn't a big deal."
Phil sighs. "So, what, are you gonna go out and get your eyebrows done again because people on GuruGossip say you should?"
"Hey, they were right about that! My eyebrows were awful!"
"Dan..."
Dan just waves a hand impatiently. "Phil, this isn't about my eyebrows! And come sit next to me, why are you looming by the door like that?"
Phil pushes off from the wall and flops down next to Dan.
"I'm sitting?" he prompts, leaning over slightly to see what's on Dan's screen, but Dan is already angling his laptop away from Phil's line of sight. Phil raises his eyebrows and Dan smiles slyly.
"Not so fast," says Dan. "First I have a story for you."
Phil leans back into the sofa. "A story? What, about GuruGossip?"
"Sort of. You'll see. Okay, so for the past like two weeks, our thread there has been totally deserted, right?"
"How should I know?"
"Well, it has been. And I sort of saw people dropping hints that they'd moved or something, but posts were being deleted... I'm not sure; I think there was drama behind the scenes? Anyway, I finally sent someone a private message—"
"You made an account?"
"I already had an account. Don't look at me like that. I only posted twice. Anyway, I pm'd someone like a week ago and they just responded this morning."
"Wait, you posted twice? What did you say?"
"I dunno, random shit? It was a long time ago. Stop getting distracted. The important thing is that now I know where they all moved. Apparently they made a whole new forum and it's actually pretty cool."
"I never thought I'd hear you call a bunch of stalkers 'pretty cool.'"
"They're not stalkers."
Phil raises his eyebrows.
"I mean, yeah, they talk a lot about Dailybooth and Formspring and the old tweets and... other things," he adds hesitantly, not quite meeting Phil's eye. "But mainly they just discuss our content, you know? Or alternately, complain that we aren't putting out any content. And they have this, like, pink trashcan emoticon they use all the time... Just trust me, it's funny. Like, some of the stuff they come up with is actually bloody hilarious."
"Such as?"
"I dunno. That pink trashcan for one thing. And just, like, gag conspiracy theories about us having a sex dungeon and secretly raising a child and stuff."
"Plausible."
Dan nods sagely. "Very. I'm not quite sure how they figured it all out."
Phil laughs, then frowns. "Wait," he says slowly, "is it still like GuruGossip though? Do they just joke around now, or is there still a bunch of invasive analysis of everything we do?"
"It's not always invasive, exactly. But yeah," Dan admits. "They still like to analyse our psyches or whatever."
"And do you not find that creepy?"
"Of course I find it creepy. But, I dunno, a lot of what they say is legitimately — legitimately insightful, Phil. You just have to read it with the right attitude."
"Which is what?"
Dan shrugs. "Don't take it too seriously. I just treat it all like a joke, you know what I mean?"
"Except when it's 'insightful.'"
"Right."
"And except when they inspire you to get your eyebrows threaded."
"Exactly," says Dan. He grins. "Come on, don't be too hard on them. Their theories about our sex life are top notch entertainment. Verging on, like, sometime we should try some of the stuff they come up with."
"Fine," Phil says grudgingly, "let me see."
Dan just laughs and pivots the computer ever further toward himself. "I don't have, like, a specific example. But it's a topic that comes up quite frequently."
"You're such a tease, Dan."
"I know, I'm awful. I do have something just as good though."
"As good as sex?"
"Well. Almost. They've made a shrine to our bodies."
"What, they're drawing us naked or something?"
"No, not our whole bodies. Just, like, body parts." He scoots closer to Phil and finally turns his laptop so Phil can see the screen.
It's a picture of Dan.
"Feel free to take the laptop," Dan says gleefully.
So Phil moves it onto his own lap and begins to scroll. The pictures just keep coming: seemingly endless profile views of Dan.
"As you see, they're quite fond of my nose," Dan explains, looking rather smug.
"This is so weird."
Dan pats him on the shoulder. "It's okay, Phil, I also tried to convince myself it was weird at first. But then, I reached enlightenment and decided it's fucking brilliant. Like, how dedicated do you have to be to go around collecting shots of my nose? Isn't that hilarious? I didn't know people even liked my nose!"
"I like your nose," Phil says, somewhat affronted.
"Yeah, sure, you claim to, but when's the last time you made a compilation of pictures of it? You're slacking, Phil, seriously."
"I'll get to work on that for you. Do they like my nose?" Phil asks absently, scrolling down the page.
"Eh, a couple weirdos might, I'm not sure."
"Hey." Phil glances up from the screen, frowning in mock reproach. "Take that back."
Dan just laughs and rolls his eyes. "Of course they like your nose, Phil," he says, as though it would be insane to think otherwise. "Fourth page, there's several posts about it."
"I see they like our hands too," Phil observes as he reaches the end of the first post and keeps scrolling. "And our belly buttons?"
"They like everything. Clavicles, necks, hair. Eyes. They love your eyes."
"I do have nice eyes."
"And legs," says Dan. "And cheekbones."
Phil clicks on the link to page four. "Are these things you like or things they like?"
"I dunno. Both. Did you find your nose yet?"
"Yeah, I just got to it." Phil shakes his head wonderingly. "You’re right, it is pretty funny to imagine someone collecting all these."
"Yeah. They're really into noses. They call themselves middle-aged nose perverts."
"What, the people who find these pictures?"
"No, like everyone on the forum. It's hilarious. They say it all the time."
"Why though?"
"I don't even know. Some kind of inside joke. That just makes it funnier to be honest. I'm pretty sure a lot of them are only like twenty though. But some are older."
"And how do you know this?"
"I've been reading their introductions thread because I'm a stalker. As you know. You were my first stalk-ee, after all."
"Stalk-ee, good word."
"Thanks."
"I wouldn't say you actually stalked me though. Just tweeted me a lot."
Dan snorts. "Right, and commented on all your videos, and read your Dailybooth and blog before you even knew who I was, and looked you up on Facebook. I don't think I've ever confessed the full extent of my stalking, to be honest."
"Wow," Phil laughs. "Impressive. It's no wonder you like these nose people so much. You're just as bad as they are."
"Sometimes I wonder."
Phil scrolls back up to the top of the page. "'In depth bants,'" he muses. "Well, at least we aren't being classed with beauty gurus anymore."
"That's offensive, Phil; I am a beauty guru," Dan says. "But yeah, it's a good name."
"It's even colour-coordinated with my duvet pattern."
"Isn't that adorable? Apparently they have a second theme with a black background that uses my duvet for the header. But you can only change themes if you become a member."
"Which you won't."
"Of course I won't. And if I do, don't worry, I'll just make my username PhilTrashNumber1."
"Dan."
Dan grins and lifts the computer off Phil's lap. "Phil. I'm joking," he says. "Can you make the pasta now? I'm hungry. With marinara please."
Phil gives him a look, but stands up. "Have fun looking at pictures of your left dimple."
"Phil, try to keep up. I'm all about the bants now. I've got loads of threads to catch up on."
"Well, have fun with that then. Sounds ambitious," Phil says. He's almost at the door when suddenly he pauses. "I don't know how you do it."
"Do what?"
"How you—" Phil breaks off and shrugs one shoulder. "You're just really good at not letting things affect you."
"What things?"
"Like... forums where people analyze us to death? And speculate about really personal things? I tried reading GuruGossip once last year, remember? It was horrible. I could only handle like three posts before I gave up."
"I dunno. It's not that hard. You just have to keep in mind that they don't actually know what they're talking about."
But Phil shakes his head. "You have much thicker skin than me, Dan," he says quietly. "You always have had."
Dan glances up, his lips pressed together and his eyes soft. Phil gazes back, and for a moment neither speaks. Then Dan looks away. "Nah," he says. "I'm just desensitised to everything. Whereas you are an innocent cinnamon roll, haven't you heard?" He looks up again, smirking, daring Phil to challenge him.
Phil nods. "That's true," he says solemnly. "And also, I don't swear. Ever."
Dan laughs at this for a good thirty seconds. "Go make the fucking pasta," he says finally.
Phil does.
•
Dan spends dinner on his phone.
"Are you reading that forum?" Phil asks after ten minutes of silence.
"Yep."
"Is it good?"
"Yep."
"What are they talking about?"
"You being an evil genius mastermind."
"Right." Phil doesn't press the matter.
It's not till they're almost done eating that Phil actually catches a glimpse of Dan's screen. The text is light against a dark background. Phil quickly puts two and two together.
"Is that the other theme?" he demands. "The one with your duvet?"
Dan snaps the phone to his chest and glances up in surprise. "Huh?"
"It is! You changed the theme! You made an account!"
Dan blinks at him a few times, then sighs exaggeratedly. "What can I say? Black speaks to my soul. I had no choice," he protests, sticking out his lower lip in a pout, but obviously trying hard to keep from laughing.
"Dan. If your username is PhilTrashNumber1, I swear I’m going to—" Phil huffs and shakes his head.
Dan just grins. "Going to what?"
"Going to— I dunno, dump marinara sauce on you or something."
Dan shrugs and picks up the jar of sauce from the middle of the table. With great ceremony, he unscrews the lid and holds it out to Phil, his eyes squeezed shut and head bowed. "Go for it," he says.
Phil goes for it. He dumps the entire jar on Dan's head. Dan is laughing before it even touches him.
Several moments pass in silence. Dan is obviously trying to remain as still as possible, but finding it difficult because of how hard he’s snickering. Phil watches with a mixture of amusement and horror as the sauce slowly begins to slide off Dan's fringe and down his face. "It's not getting in your eyes, is it?" he asks guiltily.
"No, no. I'm fine," Dan gasps, still shaking with silent laughter. He reaches up to touch his hair. "I fucking love you, Phil."
"I love you too."
•
"You know, Indepthbants would enjoy hearing about this," Dan announces a few minutes later, once he's managed to stop laughing and Phil's helped him wipe most of the marinara off his face. "They seem to think I have some kind of food-slash-sauce-on-my-naked-body kink."
•
(They share a laugh at this idea.)
(Then they head to the pantry.)
(They find five jars of marinara sauce and two of alfredo.)
(They have hot kinky pasta sauce sex on the kitchen floor.)
(Turns out IDB was right.)
•