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Kuroko Tetsuya doesn't get irritated easily. It's in his nature, really, born and raised a polite child who listens before speaking and brushes off most minor annoyances in favor of keeping a calm persona. But Akashi Seijuurou is no minor annoyance, and Kuroko supposes Akashi's always done things that make him act out of character.
So here he is, furiously tapping the side of his milkshake while complaining to his light and best friend Aomine about every little thing Akashi does that is just infuriatingly attractive.
"Have you seen the way he takes his shirt off? It's like he's trying to show off his pecs. Despicable," says Kuroko.
"Mhm," says Aomine.
Kuroko puts his head in his hands.
"And his hair and eyes are… the worst… the worst in the best way. They're the color of first love."
"Sure."
"Aomine-kun, please take this seriously," Kuroko frowns. "Akashi-kun must be stopped. He's too powerful."
"What do you even expect me to do," Aomine says, not bothering to swallow his food because he's an animal probably, "I can't change how he looks."
Kuroko contemplates for a few moments.
"Maim him."
"And that's about how the conversation went," Kuroko says matter-of-factly, to Kise who just gapes.
"So you're telling me Aominecchi is in the hospital because he choked on a burger because you said Akashicchi is hot and we need to kill him, and this is all Akashicchi's fault?"
"He must be stopped ," seethes Kuroko.
Aomine makes an unintelligible sound of discontent from the hospital bed. It sounds roughly like if a call for help and a groan had a child.
"See."
"Kurokocchi… have you ever considered just dating Akashicch--"
Kuroko jabs him in the stomach before he can finish. "Please don't say foolish things, Kise-kun."
Kise rubs the injured area, hissing in pain. For what it's worth, Kuroko has a mean right arm. "Owow owow … okay, no dating, but how do you feel about Akashi-kun, really?"
"He's really attractive," says Kuroko, "not to mention caring and gentlemanly. He puts his team first and always looks out for us. And…"
"And…?"
"And I want to take his clothes off."
"So," says Midorima, "You're telling me Aomine's in the hospital and Kise's passed out because Kise blacked out for the same reason that Aomine choked on a burger, which is that you find Akashi… enticing, and you said as such, and this is ultimately Akashi's fault."
"An accurate and concise explanation, yes. Akashi-kun is a terror upon us all."
Aomine makes another sound of mild annoyance.
"He's saying I'm right," Kuroko interprets.
Aomine almost screams.
Midorima clears his throat and surveys the room, from the annoyed Kuroko to the hospitalized Kise and Aomine to the Murasakibara who's just here for vending machine snacks, and sighs.
"You do realize your irritation likely stems from what is known as a crush… right."
"Please don't be ridiculous, Midorima-kun. I do not have a crush on Akashi-kun."
"Sounds like something a guy with a crush on Aka-chin would say," Murasakibara decides to chime in.
Kuroko sighs.
"So," says Akashi, "Our entire starting lineup is hospitalized because of you."
"Because of you, " Kuroko corrects.
"Really now," Akashi smiles, "Because if you told an accurate story, it would seem you made Aomine choke, shocked Kise into unconsciousness, accosted Murasakibara for an observation, and also knocked out Midorima for being in the vicinity."
"That's," Kuroko says, thinking about his next words, "That's one way to put it, I suppose."
"You suppose, " says Midorima, sporting a rather large splint and a bandage around his waist. Kise whines in agreement.
"However, I am at fault because I am, as you say, too attractive for the good of the world," Akashi concludes, ignoring the shooter and copycat, who point out the blatant diss.
"Yes, exactly."
Akashi sighs contentedly and makes sickeningly flirty eyes at Kuroko, as though the latter hasn't been petitioning to kill him for the whole day. "You really never cease to amaze me, Kuroko Tetsuya."
God.
God, that's attractive.
"As do you, Akashi-kun," Kuroko says, "Every time I think you're at your limit you always find a new way to surpass it."
They look at each other with loving eyes for a few seconds. The rest of the starters want to barf. Akashi breaks the silence.
"Lunch? On me."
"Of course," Kuroko smiles.
"Oh my god ," says Aomine, "Get a fucking room. "