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Dan hadn’t thought about moving the bear his grandmother got him when he was born when they brought home their 8 week old corgi. It was up out of reach, and they’d keep an eye on her at all times, he told himself, barely thinking about the things on the shelves at all.
But one afternoon, she got into Dan’s room, and Dan wouldn’t know later if she’d somehow managed to jump onto the shelf or if she ran so hard into the side of the wood that it knocked the bear over. Either way, she’d gotten it and it was so much like her toys, all strewn about the living room.
“Sadie, no! Oh my god!” Phil heard Dan shriek when he’d gone in to grab a pair of pajama bottoms for the evening. Phil came running to find Dan, sitting on the floor with their puppy shaking her little butt at Dan, not understanding why he was crying.
The body was in half, one piece of its shell in each of Dan’s hands, and a tear where one eye had been. Stuffing and the right eye piece in a small pile in Dan’s lap.
“At least… it doesn’t look like… she swallowed… anything.” Dan said, between sharp inhales, tears streaming down his cheeks.
Phil nodded and sat down next to Dan, putting his arm around him and slowly bringing his face to his chest. Dan let himself fall apart in Phil’s arms.
“I’m such an idiot, I should’ve put it somewhere else.” Dan said, his voice muffled as he pressed his wet face deeper into Phil’s warm, steady chest.
“You thought it was safe. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. And maybe we can fix it.” Phil said, taking Dan by the shoulders and putting enough space between them so he could take stock of the damage. Sadie was laying next to him, belly up, and he gave her a sweet, yet distracted pat before taking the bear to look closer. Dan’s hands remained out, as if he were looking at a bloody figment of his imagination pooled in his palms. Guilt.
Phil’s voice brought him back to the room.
“Danny, I really think we can fix this. I could probably see if my mom could fix him for you, or… I think I’ve seen places you can send stuffed animals to repair them. That way you’d know someone qualified is taking care of your bear.”
“What if it doesn’t look and feel the same?” Dan said, still tearfully.
“Well, you have pictures of it, for reference. I bet you can even tell them how much stuffing you’d want it to have.”
“Okay…” Dan said, wiping his nose with the back of his hand.
“Where do we want to keep it for now, until we can make a plan?” Phil asked, running his hand through Dan’s curls.
“I’m going to put it in a plastic bag in a drawer for now, that way it’s all in one place she the tiny terror can’t get to it.” He said this as gave Sadie a playful pet, and followed it up with, “more chew toys for you, and better supervision.”
Before standing up, Phil took Dan’s face in his hands and gently wiped some still damp tears from just under Dan’s eyes with his thumbs. He then leaned in for a soft kiss.
“You’re a great dad. Let me go get a plastic baggie for you.” And he got up and went into the kitchen, with Dan following behind holding his childhood bear in a pile in his hands, looking so much like a child. When they got into the kitchen, Phil pulled a plastic bag with a zipper out of a storage drawer and held it open for Dan, who delicately and slowly placed his friend inside.
“Do you want me to keep it in the drawer in here, or do you have another place for it?” Phil asked, trying to be helpful while letting Dan feel like he was in control of what would happen to his bear next.
“I’ll keep it in my sock drawer. That way it’s still in my room. I don’t know why that matters but…”
“Makes sense to me! Here you go, and what do you want to order for dinner?”
“I thought we were going to just grab something from the freezer.”
“Well, change of plan. Then we can eat while we look up places that repair stuffed animals.”
“… pizza?”
“local place or Dominoes?”
“Dominoes.”
“Dominoes.” Phil echoed with a nod, pulling the app up on his phone and ordering.
While Phil ordered their usual, Dan put his bear into the top drawer of his dresser.
“Let’s take the girl out before the food comes.” Phil said, as Dan met Phil in the living room, and they went out into the backyard with Sadie so she could do her business and run around in the yard for a few minutes before winding down for the night.
As they stood watching their ball of energy tripping over her own legs, Phil put his arm around Dan and squeezed tight.
“I know you have other things that mean a lot to you. I do too. And I think we may need to reevaluate what Sadie can and can’t get into.”
“Mhm.” Dan said, looking down at the grass. He was still feeling guilty for what happened. He had been careless with his bear when he was much younger too, resulting in the loss of a sewed on bow from around its neck. But he was a child then, crying to his mom about not being able to get the bow back on. And now, at 34, he had just been crying to Phil about his new puppy using it to play with. He felt like a child again. Helpless, emotional, and ashamed.
“Even just a quick search and I found a couple of places that you can send bear to so they can fix it up and send it back. One place based in Edinburgh is called Leith Toy Hospital, and they seem to have a good reputation.” Phil said, kissing Dan on top of his head when he saw him wipe another tear away.
“Yeah, okay. …Don’t tell Veronica when we hear from her next. Please.” Dan said, sniffling.
“Tell her what?” he smiled and squeezed Dan’s shoulder, “Anyway, they’re booking out a few months ahead, apparently lot’s of people are in similar positions to you. Their site says once they get to yours it takes about another month. So it’ll be a wait. But it’ll be in good hands, I think.”
“I’m used to waiting for things.” Dan said, tilting his head so it rested on Phil’s shoulder. “Let’s go inside.”
--
It had been 5 months since Dan sent his bear off to be repaired, and when he came home from a meeting he found a package in the hallway. His name on it. The stuffed animal hospital’s name on it, too. Dan picked up the package and stood frozen in the hallway, with Sadie greeting him with excited barks at his feet. He had gone over exactly what he wanted from the repair with Phil, who then booked an appointment of sorts, but he still worried that it wouldn’t feel like his bear anymore. After a couple of minutes standing there, he moved the box to the dining table and left it, unopened.
While getting ready to eat dinner that evening, Phil commented on the box, having seen what it was.
“Did you want to open it up after we eat?” He asked, scooping pasta into bowls for him and Dan.
“No… I was thinking maybe we should record a video. Or even just play something for fun.”
“Sure. I’d be down for doing either of those things. But why don’t you want to open it tonight? I want to see how it looks!” Phil said, cheerfully.
“I’m just not ready!” Dan said, sounding frustrated.
“Okay! That’s okay. But do you think you’ll ever feel ready? I know sometimes the longer you put something off the harder it gets. Rip the plaster off? And I’m here for whatever feelings you have.” Phil said, his voice soft and steady.
“Hm.” Dan huffed through his nose. And slowly pursed his lips, looking at the kitchen floor. “After dinner.”
“After dinner.”
They ate relatively quietly, although Dan was fielding text after text of nonsense phrases and emojis from Phil, and Phil saw Dan crack a smile more than once.
Phil cleared the bowls and cups from the table and got Dan a knife to carefully open the box. Dan took a deep breath, and sliced through the tape holding the cardboard closed slowly, so as not to cut too deep.
He plunged his hand into the box filled with packing paper and resurfaced with what, at least so far, did seem to be his bear.
He held it at eye level and looked it over, noticing one obvious thing first.
His bear had a bow. He didn’t know how, but it was colored and tied almost identically to the way it looked before he had removed it as a child. He hadn’t asked for a new bow.
He looked up at Phil, unsure how he felt about the restoration, at that moment.
“I know you didn’t ask for it, but it should have a little clasp on the back so you can take it off without ruining the bow, if you decide you’d rather he not have it. I think the lady was able to get reference images matching the company. I thought you might like that.” He said, as Dan turned the bear to see the clasp Phil mentioned.
Dan moved around the table to Phil, still holding his bear, and threw his arms around Phil’s neck and kissed him so hard Phil had to lean back onto the counter.
“You fixed both my mistakes.” He said, as he, himself, leaned back.
“I just gave you more options.” Phil replied.
“It feels like my bear, too.” He said, fully stepping back and lifting the stuffed bear up to show Phil, giving it a gentle squeeze. “It feels… like it’s been refreshed. But it still feels familiar.” He said, bringing it to his cheek and gently rubbing the fur against his skin. “Really familiar.” He lowered the bear and turned it around in his hands. “I thought I’d see some scars, you know?” And he wondered to himself if this was the one thing from his childhood that was put back together so seamlessly. No surprise, he thought, that it was Phil Lester pulling all the strings to make it happen for him.
“It really looks like it never left your shelf, and better!”
“Would you care if I slept with it tonight? Just for tonight. Now that it’s home. And I'll keep it in a cabinet for now during the day.” Dan wrapped his arms around the bear, holding it against his chest. Feeling so young again, but this time only a little foolish. And even that feeling from deep within him was drowned out by the head tilt and the smile Phil gave him.
“As long as it doesn’t get in the way of cuddles.” Phil answered, “Really, you can sleep with it every night as long as I still get to be the big spoon. And you can be the medium spoon, with your bear being the little spoon.” He started giggling, and Dan joined him.
This is what made Dan first fall in love with Phil, what felt like lifetimes ago; the way he made him feel safe and loved. The way he didn’t make him feel small, even when he held him. Especially then.
So Dan and Phil got into bed, with Sadie on the floor on Dan’s side, Dan cradling his bear in one arm, and Phil having set Lion next to him on the nightstand in solidarity and to have a what he called a sleepover. Dan closed his eyes, feeling the soft fur of his bear on one arm and Phil’s arm over the other, and let himself fall asleep.