Work Text:
May 18th, 2022
Peixes Research Labs, Troll District A of New Seattle, Washington, New America, Alterniearth
> Be Dave Strider
You frown as you walk into the research lab. You try to stay away from this place, because you have very little interest in whatever sort of mad science experiments they’re doing here. It’s bad enough listening to John rambling about it all the damn time.
Just past the door, the reception area is decked out in all the decorations and finery that five dollars could buy. You look around at the pathetic offering of punch and veggie platters. There are already a lot of people here; mostly trolls but a few humans, and you know just about everyone.
You spot Rose at a table nursing a fruit punch, and make a beeline for her.
“Sup?” you ask, sinking into the chair across from her. “Where’s your better half?”
Rose shrugs. “I suspect that she is with the rest of the ectobiological research team. Apparently, there were some last minute tests or something that needed analyzing.”
“So, do you know what this is all about?” you ask, cutting straight to the point.
She shakes her head. “I believe I am just as in the dark as you are.”
You frown. “Are you kidding me? Isn’t Kanaya one of the big shots on the project? And you live with her. I thought she would have given you the scoop.”
“I have not received any scoops. None at all. Though, if it helps to satiate your curiosity, I got the distinct impression that her lack of information was not because of the non-disclosure agreement that all the scientists agreed to so as not to leak their methods, but because of a promise of a more personal nature.”
“That really doesn’t mean anything to me,” you tell her. “That doesn’t tell me why I had to drag myself over to the snooty part of troll town.”
Rose just smirks. “I got the distinct impression that the person to whom she vowed silence was none other than her colleague, John Egbert.”
That makes you raise an eyebrow. “Oh shit, this is going to be a prank, isn’t it? We’re going to be sitting here, and they’re going to dump a truck-load of that ecto-slime shit all over us. All just to prove Dr. Egbert’s hypothesis that he is the pranking master.”
Rose giggles just slightly. “Somehow, I doubt that. For one, it would be quite a feat to get the entire team to cooperate with that. Though I could see Roxy being persuaded under the right conditions.”
You drum your fingers on the table. “So, do you think they actually succeeded? They finally stopped jerking off and single-handedly saved the troll species by cloning up a new hell-spawn mothergrub?”
Rose shakes her head. “No, I suspect a success of that magnitude would not have escaped our notice. Though I assume they have had some sort of breakthrough, beyond their normal success of ‘slime that is slightly more stable than the last puddle of unstable slime.’”
You nod. You’ve heard the ecto-team babbling about a lot of things like stability and quantum entanglement, and stuff like that. To be honest, it makes no sense to you.
You take a moment to look around again, and you realize none of the scientists seem to be in here. They must still be testing or analyzing, or whatever they do. You turn to look at the refreshment table, and you instantly regret it.
Jade is getting some punch, and you and she lock eyes; shit, how does she always manage to see past your shades like that? The contact only lasts for a minute before she turns away. You look down at the floor.
“Are you and Jade still not speaking?”
“Goddamn it, Rose. Can’t a guy just have some angst-ridden internal monologue without your meddling?”
Her grin becomes predatory, the same as it always does when she’s found some sort of chink in you psychological armor to poke at. Whoever gave the woman a PhD in psychology was clearly a sadist.
“I take it that means no,” she says.
“You’ve got it all wrong, Rose. See, Harley has just generously decided to take a vow of abstinence from me, lest I ruin her for all other men, and so that the rest of troll and human-kind doesn’t have to be deprived of this valuable resource. She’s being truly selfless in her sacrifice. It’s really inspirational.”
“Oh, yes. That definitely seems to be the case,” Rose says. “I can see her burning with barely restrained desire over there as she tries to pretend you aren’t here by talking to Eridan.”
You decide not to look and confirm that. It is a cold day in New Houston when Eridan Ampora is better company than Dave Strider.
“On a more serious note, Dave…”
“No, I don’t want to hear any serious notes,” you cut her off. “Absolutely none. It’s all sick rhymes and ill beats up in here, and your serious notes are just going to ruin the melody.”
She frowns at you. “I’m just concerned. We all are. Neither of you seem to be taking your break up very well; I’m just afraid it’s going to cause a rift in our core group of friends.”
You roll your eyes, not caring if she can see it or not. “I don’t want to hear any more of this ‘You’re tearing our SBurb family apart’ bullshit. And yeah, it’s pretty awkward in situations like this, but we’re all going to just have to grow up and deal with it.”
“Well, that’s just it. Neither of you seem to be dealing with it, and I think perhaps it might be helpful to examine exactly which party needs to, as you say, ‘grow up.’”
You glare at her. “Are you calling me immature? Because it sounds like you’re calling either me or Jade immature, and I’m pretty sure you’re not going to take my side here.”
She waves a hand. “I’m not taking either side, Dave.”
You slip your shades down your nose so that you can let the full force of your glare surge over the frames with the wrath of a stern schoolmarm.
She shrugs off the glare. “Really, Dave. I just want to make sure that both of you come out of this so that we can all have normal friendships again.”
“Lalonde, just drop it. This situation doesn’t need your nose in it, and yet you’re all over it like Terezi trying to smell sin in the Vatican.”
She just nods. “All right, I accept this change of topic. How is your relationship with Terezi?”
This was a tactical error on your part; you really should have known not to bring up Terezi.
You shrug. “Amazing, naturally. She says we’re moirails now, but I think we must be doing it wrong if we are. Or everyone else is doing it wrong. Probably the second option.”
Rose shakes her head. “I’m going to assume this means that the two of you still have an infuriatingly ambiguous relationship, which just keeps spurring on your desire for casual, noncommittal relationships of varying types, of which Terezi is in full support of.”
“Probably,” you say.
She sighs. “Dave, I’m just trying to help. You continue to have these casual flings, and I’m afraid it might be detrimental overall.”
You’re about to spit out a response, when someone walks up to your table. It’s Karkat, and as hard as it is for you to believe he looks more disheveled and ragged than usual.
“Where’s Jade?” he asks.
Rose suppresses a smirk, and points her out in the crowd. You’re not ready to let him go so easily though.
“What do you want Jade for?”
You know it’s bad when he doesn’t even glare at you. His eyes are just sort of dazed and unfocused.
“Because she’s my auspistice, and there is a very high chance that—over the duration of this public embarrassment called a party—my near-future self will be tempted to say something I’ll regret, which will inevitably only create more suffering for future-future me.”
“Man, I wish I had stupidly complicated problems like that,” you say.
“Fuck you, Strider,” he mumbles, making it sound more like a friendly goodbye than an insult. With that, he slinks away in the direction Rose pointed out.
“I wonder what all that was about,” you mutter to Rose.
She shrugs. “I can’t help but think this must have something to do with the ‘breakthrough’ the ectobiology team has made.”
Before the conversation can go on much longer, you realize that the rest of the room is getting louder. Everyone is gathering around the entrance of the reception hall. You can see the team—John, Kanaya, Roxy, and AR—standing shoulder to shoulder, but most of the people are paying more attention to John than anyone else. Especially Terezi, who is currently obsessed with sniffing John’s head. She has a shocked look on her face, like John’s head is the most interesting thing in the world.
You and Rose stand, moving closer to investigate. You notice Jade has come closer too, along with Karkat who is forcing something resembling a smile onto his face.
John walks up to you and beams. Then you see why Terezi was sniffing at his head. His hair is… moving? You look, until you see a tiny face poking out of John’s messy locks.
What. The Fuck. Is That?
“Uhh, John? You’ve got a killer case of lice there.”
“Huh?” John cocks his head to the side in confusion at your remark. But doing so causes the grub scampering around in his unruly hair to lose its footing, digging its tiny claws into his scalp.
“Oww. Oh, you mean Lizzie,” John says. He giggles and reaches up, trying to remove the grub from his head. It only hisses at him, and if his wince is any indication it digs its claws deeper in place.
Karkat jabs his palm into his forehead, and just grumbles at the display. You sometimes wonder if Karkat does anything but grumble, or if he’s secretly nicer to John in private. You figure he must be, because you don’t think even John could put up with his 24/7 scowling.
“I told you not to let it climb up there,” Karkat growls at his matesprit. “Now, its burrowing instinct is kicking in, and it won’t want to come out. Also, its name isn’t Lizzie. It doesn’t have a name, because GRUBS DON’T HAVE NAMES.”
Jade is papping his shoulder right now, and you realize these must be the kind of remarks he was afraid he’d make.
“Karkat, stop calling Lizzie an ‘it’,” John says, pouting. “And of course she has a name. We can’t just call her ‘the grub’ until she pupates.”
“Yes, we can,” Karkat growls. “Because, as I might have mentioned… GRUBS DON’T HAVE NAMES.”
Jade is openly glaring at Karkat now.
“Karkat, I think you’re scaring Lizzie,” John says, frowning. He goes back to trying to dislodge the grub from his hair.
Karkat just sighs and walks over to him, helping him remove the grub from his head.
Now that it isn’t cocooned in John’s hair, you can get a better look at it. John cups the grub in his hands, and holds it out for you, Rose, and Jade to look at.
To be honest, you’ve never really had any close encounters with troll grubs. You just know that they’re troll babies and you leave it at that. You think it’s creepy that they have faces, so you usually don’t go out of your way to have anything to do with them. But now, your best bro is holding one out with a stupid grin worthy of the ‘Egbert Grin Hall of Fame’ so you decide you should figure out what’s going on.
It’s red. You’re pretty sure that means its blood is the same color. You remember that because troll blood is stupid, it’s never the same color as human blood, except for Karkat, who’s a freak. So, if this grub has that color… you know you don’t like where this is going.
Its face seems paler than most trolls, and you’re not sure if that’s normal or not. It makes it seem… sickly. You decide it would be best not to mention it.
You look at Rose and Jade, and the looks of shock on their faces seem to suggest they’re about as lost as you.
“Oh my God. You guys did it?” Jade says, beaming. “Is it a mothergrub?”
John’s grin goes from goofy to beaming in seconds. You see small twinges of a smirk on Karkat’s face, but he manages to maintain a scowl, though his face does get a bit redder.
“Better than that,” John says. “It’s… our daughter.”
Yep. You were kind of afraid he’s say something completely retarded like that.
“What?” is the only response you can muster.
At this point, Roxy decides to speak up. “So, tbh, we kind of fucked up. The latest genetic sequence didn’t make a mothergrub, but apparently we figured out how to make it not turn to jell-o.”
AR folds the arms of his robot avatar. “It’s pretty unbelievable, really. I mean, there was only a ten percent chance of the new sequence creating something that was stable on a temporal and quantum level, much less do that and not turn out to be a mothergrub.”
You really didn’t follow that, other than that this is some sort of freak anomaly. “So, what you’re saying is… this is a science experiment gone wrong?”
John frowns at you. “Well, she’s not a mothergrub, but there’s definitely nothing wrong with Lizzie.”
Jade catches Karkat in time to stop him from whatever he was about to loudly disagree with.
Rose is frowning as well. “So… when you said this is your daughter? Are you saying that you and—I assume by association—Karkat are adopting her?”
John nods his head with unrestrained glee.
Kanaya speaks up this time. “When the grub formed yesterday, our tests were quickly derailed by a loud screech of glee, followed by the human practice of calling ‘dibs.’ Though I don’t believe the thought had even occurred to any of the rest of us.”
AR and Roxy shrug simultaneously.
“Oh my God, this is amazing,” Jade says, jumping in place. “You guys are sure making me jealous that I quit the team. I’m so happy for all of you! This is a huge success!”
John smiles as the grub—Lizzie, you guess—crawls up to his shoulders. “I know, right? Though, I was hoping you could give the data a second look, Jade. To make sure all the weird physics stuff is okay. Not that I don’t trust AR, of course, but I’d like a second opinion.”
“Oh, of course, John. We don’t want that little cutie turning into goo on us!”
You stop paying attention as the two ecto-sibling start babbling about science-y sounding stuff. You feel sick, and you really aren’t sure why.
Maybe because Rose is right, and everyone else is growing up and has real jobs and are starting families while you just DJ at night clubs and live like an immature hipster douchebag?
Nope, that can’t be it.
You accidently lock eyes with Karkat. He’s had this awkward expression on his face the entire time. He seems annoyed, as usual, but there’s something else. It looks like he wants to smile and throw up at the same time. You guess maybe that’s how trolls celebrate being parents.
Who knows?
Who gives a fuck?
You fake your way through the rest of the conversations, and then abscond somewhere that has alcohol.
The Bar, Human District C of New Seattle
You sit in the corner of the bar so that you can lean against the wall, and glare at anyone who comes too close to you that isn’t giving you booze.
You’re really not sure why this feels like a kick in the gut anymore. It has nothing to do with you at all. Who cares if Egbert and Vantas are starting a slime baby family? Hell, they can have a whole brood of lame slime babies for all you care.
Is brood the right word for a bunch of troll grubs? Or would it be, like, a herd? A swarm? A flock?
Crap, you never wonder about shit like this when you’re sober.
You think maybe if you get drunker, you’ll stop thinking about stuff like that. It probably won’t work, but you’re definitely showing off the drinking ability you inherited with your Lalonde genes.
You’re staring off into space when you happen to notice a familiar troll walking up to the bar. You slip your shades down just to check if you’re seeing this correctly. The troll walks up to the bar, and appears to be ordering something. While waiting for the bartender, his eyes begin to wander as well, and they settle on you.
Yep, that’s definitely Karkat.
He looks at you for a moment, and when the bartender comes back he holds up two fingers and the bartender pours him two shots of something. Karkat grabs the two shots and a glass of what appears to be beer and then walks over to you. He sits across from you without a word, and glares at you.
“Shouldn’t you be with your loving wife and daughter right now?” you ask.
And you know it bugs him. First of all, because everything bugs him. And secondly, because even though John went through a phase when he was fifteen where he hated Con Air, you know he could never stay mad at Cage. That movie is probably the bane of Karkat’s existence. Karkat probably had to bludgeon John to keep him from naming their daughter Casey.
“Shut up, Strider,” Karkat says.
“Baby, I love it when you talk dirty to me,” you say.
He slides one of the shots over to you. “Drink this and shut your bulge-munching protein chute.”
“’Kay, but that’s not quite enough to buy you a blowie. I’m a top dollar man-whore.”
Karkat growls at you. Really, he sounds like an angry lawn-mower. “Strider, I am trying to get drunk, and then, once that has happened, I will divulge to you terrible secrets that I hope you will be too drunk to remember to repeat to John.”
You shrug and take the shot, slamming the glass back on the table when you’re done. Yep, that was tequila.
“Fine, Vantas. But you know it takes more than that to get me shit-faced.”
Karkat doesn’t listen. He takes his shot, and then—instead of his glass—slams his head on the table. Your reflexes allow you to grab your whiskey and coke in time so that he doesn’t send it flying. Though, some of his beer sloshes out of the glass.
“Strider, why is John a complete shit-brained moron?” the troll groans.
You sip your drink. This is unexpected. “Better question. Seriously, why are you here?”
Karkat nods, and you think the look on his face might be guilt. “Like I said. Shit-brained moron.”
“So, it’s just that John is driving you crazy?” you ask. “How is that different from every goddamned day?”
The troll sighs. “You know… the wriggler… thing.”
“I take it the having a kid thing was not your idea.”
He frowns. “He asked me… a year ago or some shit. I only really said I’d think about it because I thought it would be sweeps before they succeeded in making a mothergrub or anything.”
“Wow, way to root for the survival of your own species, Vantas.”
“…But this isn’t exactly what I had in mind anyway.” He takes a large gulp of his beer before moving on. “This is some stupid human thing, where you create a wriggler and then actually… take care of it.”
“Bummer,” you mutter.
“Really, trolls don’t do this,” he shrieks. “The idea is just… sick.”
You nod. “Some parts of your fucked up culture are okay, Vantas. I get that.”
He grumbles, but it seems half-hearted. “I just feel like this isn’t what I signed up for. And John is just so… happy. So, happy it pisses me off! And… and also,” he hesitates, before gulping his beer and continuing in a lower voice. “Also, I have no idea… what to do.”
You laugh. Karkat looks at you like you just stabbed him. “Dude, is that what this is? You’re here drinking because you’re afraid you’re not going to cut it as a dad? Seriously, that’s like the most cliché thing in any galaxy. I’m surprised John didn’t prepare a pile of shitty movies for you to watch to prepare you for this.”
“Earth cinema is too stunted and immature to possibly hold anything that could help me,” Karkat grumbles. “Every movie on Earth is a comedy, whether intended or not.”
You glare at him, because he’s changing the subject again.
He sighs. “So, you’re saying this is normal?”
You nod. “I guess. I dunno. Never been there dude. But if I was a bit more tipsy, I’d probably confide in you something stupid, like I’d be freaking out too in your place. But that’s a lie, of course, because I’m way too together for that.”
His eyes narrow at you. “You know what? If my problems are so easy, fine then. What are you doing here?”
“Drinking.”
“Why?” he hisses. “Human drinking is a social activity. Drinking alone means there’s something wrong. And Strider, I know there’s a lot wrong with you.”
“Human movies give you this insight?” you ask.
“Whatever. Look, I told you why I was here.”
This is a stupid idea. But… well, Karkat is one of the only people you know that can go drink to drink with you… and…
Fuck, no! You’re not going to talk to Karkat Vantas about feelings.
Not this sober.
You grab a waiter as he walks by. “Yo, hey. Can you bring us two… wait, no… four shots of tequila?”
“So, I dunno,” you say, trying to keep your Texas drawl out of your voice and failing. “Next thing I know, Rose is all over me about all my failed relationships.”
“Fuck her,” Karkat says, placing another empty shot glass on the pyramid the two of you have been building in between you. It’s becoming quite large.
“That’s what I’m sayin’,” you say. “But… then like you and John came in with your little bundle of slimy joy. And well… I started thinking that maybe she’s right. Maybe everyone else is moving on with their lives, and I’m just being left behind.”
Karkat pushes a full shot glass over to you. “If for one moment you start to think Lalonde is right about something, you need to drink more.”
“I dunno. She’s usually right about a lot of stuff.” But you drink the shot anyway, and place it precariously at the top of the pyramid.
“Not this,” Karkat says, pointing an unsteady finger at you. “Stider. Striper… Dave… You’re not behind or anything. You’re just like… living life and shit. Who cares that you’re not filling your quadrants? That’s not the only thing that, like, life is all about.”
“Shut up about your stupid alien quadrants!” you say, louder than you mean to. “I’m not looking for like, a hate-wife or anything. But then, you don’t have a hate-wife either.”
He knocks back another shot. You think he’s a bit ahead of you in the shots department. Trolls seem to have a better alcohol tolerance than humans, but you two are definitely close in levels of drunk.
“Yeah, I know,” he says, a little sadly. “I always figured John wouldn’t like it if I had a kismesis on the side. I mean, a troll wouldn’t care. But humans are real touchy about it. But then… like, sometimes, I feel like John is my… my matesprit and my kismesis. ‘Cause, like, sometimes everything is fine, but then he gets angry and yells for stupid reasons. All like, ‘don’t eat raw meat in the bed’ and shit like that.”
“Dude, that’s, like, all human romance,” you slur. “At least all the ones I’ve been in. Things are fine one minute, and then, just like you said, it’s like ‘don’t eat in bed’ and ‘don’t throw your socks on the floor’ and ‘why can’t you wash the dishes’.”
Suddenly, you feel a hazy light bulb turn on. “Hey, you know… I think I get it now. That’s why you Trolls have hate-wives and love-wives. So, you can like… save all your anger issues for one, and then that doesn’t taint your relationship with the other one.”
Karkat nods. “You said that in a really stupid way. But maybe that’s ‘cause you’re dunk. Drunk.”
You ignore him. “So, you don’t have a hate-wife, cause you think it would piss off John? That’s… romantic or something.”
“You know… I’m just drunk enough to say this,” Karkat says. “There was a time I thought you’s… you’d be my kismesis.”
“Man… that’s… that’s sick.”
“Nah, don’t think about it too much… I don’t hate you like that anymore. It’s like… real platonic hate.”
“Thanks, dude,” you say. “That means a lot to me.” You’re not sure if that means anything to you. But it seemed like the right thing to say. “You know… a long time ago… before Sburb… and maybe during it… I… Oh, I’m not drunk enough to say it.”
Another shot appears in front of you, and you’re not sure if Karkat pushed it over to you, or if it was already there. You drink it anyway.
“I had a crush on Egbert,” you blurt.
Karkat gets this thoughtful look on his face. “Crush? That’s like… uh?”
“You guys call it like… ‘waxing red’ or something.”
He nods, and then a look of understanding spreads on his face. “OH. You mean a flush crush! You wanted to be matesprits with him.”
“I, like, thought of it,” you say. “But I don’t think it ever would have worked. Things are better this way. You, like, took that bucktoothed bullet for me, you know.”
“Ffff, yeah,” Karkat says. “I fucking jumped on a sexy John grenade, to, like, save all of you innocent civilians from his explosive stupidity.”
You laugh. You’re really sure it wasn’t that funny.
“But, Dave. You… you like did the same thing for me… with Terezi,” Karkat says.
Your head slumps into your hands. “Man, Terezi. I really royal fucked shit up with that relationship. You know, when we were ‘red’ or whatever. It’s better now that we’re… whatever we are. But man, I fucked that red relationship up big time.”
“No way,” Karkat says, and he waves his arm, wobbling precariously on his chair. “No man should ever feel bad about fucking up a relationship with Pyrope. She’s fucking crazy.”
“Yeah, maybe,” you say. “But I definitely fucked up with Jade. Oh, god, Jade dumped me. She won’t even fucking talk to me.” It’s hitting you like it just happened, even though it was months ago.
“Dude, what even happened?” Karkat asks. “All she’d tell me is that you were being a fuckass.”
“You know, I like, don’t even really remember,” you say. “It was like… I dunno. She was pissing me the fuck off but… naw, it really wasn’t her fault. It was like, normal relationship shit. But I just kept like, pushing her away. Oh, god, it was so stupid.”
Karkat shakes his head. “Was it because she dated the birdsprite version of you when she was fifteen? Because, I always thought that would be awkward. I always thought maybe that’s why it didn’t work out.”
“No, that’s stupid,” you mutter.
“Gog, that sounds stupid even to me,” Karkat says. “But… like… I honestly couldn’t think of any other reason it wouldn’t work out between the two of you. Except maybe that Terezi ruined you for everyone else.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, she could ruin anyone.”
“No, I mean the other thing.” You lift your head up to look him in the eyes, but he keeps wobbling so you can’t quite lock eyes. “You really can’t think of any reason Jade and I wouldn’t work out.”
“Of course not,” he says. “You two are on my shipping chart, remember?”
There’s a moment of silence before the two of you begin laughing hysterically.
“Dude, we should, like, tell Jade about this,” Karkat says, his eyes wide. “Like… she should know. That the shipping chart… predicted her destiny. And like, she can’t stop it.”
You’re still laughing. You find it nearly impossible to stop. “Yeah, I should apologize to her, and then, like, propose to her. With a big blown up version of your shipping chart behind me to remind her that she can’t say no.”
Karkat stands up, and you’re a bit surprised he can still use his legs. Next thing you know, he’s pulling you up too. You wrap an arm around his shoulders, because you feel like you’re going to fall.
“Come on,” he says. “Let’s… let’s pay the bartender. And then, we’ll go to Jade’s so you can human propose to her.”
“What? No,” you say. “No, no you should go home. You… You have to go home to John. Yer a family man now.”
“John will understand that it’s, like, destiny. It’s destiny for me to make you talk to Jade.”
You shake your head, but you stop quickly because it makes you feel sick. “No, I’m gonna take you home, and then I’m going to talk to Jade.”
> Clearly our protagonist is too drunk to continue the narrative.
> Be someone else.
You are Jade Harley, and it is two in the morning. It’s two in the goddamn morning and someone is trying to pound down your door. Something better be on fire or dying. Or both.
You rip open the door to see an incredibly stupid sight: Dave and Karkat. Dave is practically draped over Karkat, and Kartkat is only staying upright by leaning on your door jam. They wobble slightly when you open the door all the way.
“What the fuck are you two doing here?” you spit.
Dave squints at you, and you notice he’s not wearing his shades. “Katkar. Karkat. This isn’t your house. I thought… I thought I was taking you home. To John.”
“No,” Karkat half-shouts, and looking at him you realize Dave’s shades are perched on his head. “No, no, I took you here becut…beca…because you need to talk to Jade.”
“No,” Dave whines. “Ah… Ah fucked up.” Is he speaking with a Texas drawl? “Ah fucked up with Jade. Ah can’t talk to her.”
“I’m right here, you drunk fuckasses,” you say. This is stupid. You’re torn between slamming the door on them or bringing them in to pass out on your couch.
“You have to talk to her,” Karkat goes on. “She’s like… she’s the Liv Tyler to your retarded Ben Affleck.”
Karkat reaches out to you, and places a clawed hand on your shoulder. “I brought him back to you, Jade. I brought him to you because you’re my friend. You’re my human friend.”
“Don’t touch me,” you snap. “Neither of you should be here. Do you know what time it is?”
“I can’t talk to Jade,” Dave keeps saying. “If this is Armageddon, I’m not Affleck… I’m like, the stupid asteroid that fucks everything up. I’m not worthy to walk animal cookies up Jade’s boobs. Or anyone’s boobs. I just need to get blown up.”
Your palm finds its way to your face. “You’re both idiots. Just get in here. You can sleep in my living room.” You herd the two of them in, shaking your head.
“You’re in dude. You got this,” you hear Karkat whisper to Dave.
You just sigh and push the drunks onto your couch.
May 19th, 2022
Hangover Town
> Be Dave Strider
You are Dave Strider, and your head is pounding like you just lost a fistfight with Equius. You refuse to open your eyes, but the light in this room is too bright even through your closed eyelids. Your throat feels like the Sahara. You are most definitely hung over.
You think you smell bacon, but that’s probably your imagination. You live alone, so the only way you’d be smelling bacon is if you were cooking it.
You also smell something that reeks of tequila and troll sweat. Troll sweat smells ten times worse than human sweat, and it’s one of the many reasons you refuse to go to the gym with Equius anymore. Or hang out with him. Ever.
Whatever you’re lying on is really comfy. It feels like some sort of warm, leathery pillow. You realize your arms are wrapped around it too. This feels really nice. It’s like when you dated Terezi and you… you fell asleep cuddling her. This pillow feels a lot like her… a lot like a troll.
Your eyes snap open and confirm your worst fears. You’re snuggled up on the bare chest of Karkat Vantas. Mother of God.
You sit up quickly, and the action makes all of the blood rush out of your head. “Fuck,” you shout.
“Morning, sleepy fuckass,” a voice behind you says.
Your head whips around, and yep, that’s Jade. In the kitchen, cooking something. In her kitchen, cooking something. This is Jade’s house. How the hell did you get here?
You look back at Karkat and realize the two of you are on Jade’s couch. He’s still sleeping soundly, because he can sleep through apocalypse if need be. You notice your shades are covering his eyes, and you quickly rip them off his face. His shirt is pulled up high, leaving his chest exposed for your cuddling enjoyment/horror. Actually, it isn’t his shirt… fuck, that’s your shirt.
You look down and… you are wearing his shirt. What the living fuck happened?
You get up a bit unsteady and try to walk over to Jade. Her kitchen has two barstools that sit on the other side of the island that has the oven in it. You perch precariously on one of those so you can look at her while she cooks.
She wordlessly hands you a glass of apple juice. She is your hero.
“Thanks,” you manage to croak out. “Jade… I am very sorry for whatever I did last night. I don’t remember how I got here, but I’m sure it involved me being an asshole somehow. I don’t remember anything except… Karkat, a bottle or so worth of tequila shots, and talking about feelings.”
“You weren’t an asshole to me last night. Though, showing up drunk at two in the morning isn’t exactly polite,” she says, looking down at her frying pan.
“Oh, god. Two in the morning? I’m so sorry,” you say. “Was I already wearing Karkat’s shirt at that point?”
She shakes her head. “No, that was after I convinced the two of you to just crash in my living room for the night. He kept going on about how the two of you were moirails now, and that you should wear his shirt so that everyone will forever know that the two of you are the best moirails ever. And you kept crying, like it was the most romantic thing ever.”
“Oh, God,” you mutter.
“I was going to pull out the sofa bed, but then you two just flopped on the couch together like that.”
“Jesus.”
“It’s a good thing I thought to start filming the two of you so that I could send that sappy display to John.”
Your eyes go wide. “You did?!”
She just laughs, and the sound of it makes your chest feel heavy. “No, fuckass. Though I kind of wish I did. John would have loved to see that.”
“Crap. I stole John’s husband,” you realize, rubbing a hand to your temple. “I got drunk and cuddled with my best friend’s husband and the father of their slime baby. I am a home-wrecker.”
Jade giggles. “It’s okay. I let John know what was going on. I left out a lot of the drunk part. I just told him that Karkat was helping you with your relationship problems.”
“He probably let one tear fall down his face, and began to compose the action/adventure/ romantic comedy based on the true, terrible story,” you say. “Thanks, Jade.”
“Of course,” she says. She looks up and smiles at you, which is good because it means she probably isn’t mad.
“So, did I say anything embarrassing before I passed out?” you ask.
“Umm, you said something about how you could never be the Ben Affleck to my Liv Tyler, and how you aren’t worthy to walk animal crackers up my boobs.”
“Oh, no. Does tequila turn me into John?” you say, holding your head in your hands again.
She laughs again. “I think Karkat is the one that brought up Armageddon, so you can just chalk that up to John rubbing off on him.”
“Please don’t talk about John and Karkat rubbing off. I’m feeling sick as it is.”
Jade puts a plate of bacon and eggs in front of you. She is the most wonderful person in the world right now.
“Jade, where did I go wrong with you?”
She bites her lip, considering. “You know, sometimes I’m not really sure. It was a lot of little things that rolled up to become something a lot bigger than they really were. Also, you suck at saying what you really mean.”
You wince, but you know it’s true. “Yeah. I know. I always knew it was my fault.”
She sighs. “It’s not all your fault. But that’s part of the problem too. You always roll over when you should fight, and fight when you should roll over.”
“In my defense, there really aren’t street signs for these things,” you say.
“Yeah, that’s part of it too,” Jade sighs. “You also need to be with someone that gets that too, and I was never really good with people. You know, growing up alone on an island and all that.”
You grab her hand, and you judge by the fact that she doesn’t pull away that it was probably the right thing to do. Or at least an acceptable thing to do.
“Hey, don’t say stuff like that,” you tell her. “You’re amazing with people. You’re amazing at everything you do.”
Yeah, that was a really John-type thing to say. It makes you a bit sick inside to have said something that could have been a line in one of Karkat’s terrible romantic comedies. Or maybe that’s just the tequila’s fault again.
But, then again, John and Karkat have a much better love life than you, so you guess it could be worse.
Jade laughs. “Dave, that was so cheesy.”
Yep, you’re turning into an Egbert, and everyone knows it.
“Yeah. I know.”
She picks up her own plate of food, and moves to sit on the stool next to you.
“Hey, Jade.”
“Yes?”
You swallow some eggs, grateful to have something other than booze in your stomach. “I’m not saying we should get back together or anything. But… I really miss hanging out with you. And I hate how we have to coordinate so that we’re never both with our friends at the same time. So… can we stop the whole not talking to each other thing and just be buds again?”
“You stupid fuckass,” she says, and leans over to kiss your forehead. “We’re talking now, right?”
You smile, and you like to think that it could never be described as goofy, but you know you are more than likely wrong. Her face is still close to yours, so you tilt your head to give her a quick peck on the cheek. You’re delighted to see her cheeks go rosy at that.
“What in the living FUCK am I doing in this scene of RETARDED HUMAN LOVE SENTIMENT!”
Both you and Jade look to see Karkat is awake and livid.
“Good morning, lover,” you purr at him, making Jade giggle.
He looks at you like you have a second head, and then looks down to notice he’s wearing your shirt.
“HOLY FUCKING MOTHERGRUB, WHAT THE FUCK DID WE DO LAST NIGHT, STRIDER?!”
“Strider, quit walking me home.”
You smirk at how angry Karkat is about this. “No, way dude. It’s what moirails are for.”
Karkat just sighs. “That is most definitely not what moirails are for. And besides, I was drunk when I said that. I don’t even remember saying it.”
You shrug. “Actually, I don’t remember it either, so we only have Harley’s word for it. I guess she’s the sole witness to our solemn vow of moirallegiance.”
“Whatever,” you hear Karkat hiss.
You smile. It’s actually been a great day, walking up in compromising positions aside. The sun is out, and you’re glad for your shades. You’re in a much better mood than you were last night. Unfortunately, you realize that on some level, you owe this happiness to Karkat.
“Hey, Karkat,” you say, and the troll winces at the broken silence.
“Yes?” he grunts.
“I think you’ll be fine.”
He looks at you, bewildered.
“Remember last night? How you were all freaked out about the whole being-a-dad thing?”
His glare softens into a look of fear, just like he had last night.
“I was just saying, I think you’ll be fine.”
“Oh,” he says, looking back down at the ground. “Really?”
“Yeah,” you say, shrugging. “Most humans don’t know a damn thing about raising kids, and most of them seem to do okay. My Bro did okay raising me, I guess, and he’s a sicko who likes puppet porn. So, you should be fine.”
You notice the edges of his mouth curling upward. “Yeah, I guess I can at least be average if puppet porn is the measuring stick.”
You wave a dismissive hand at him. “At least. But hey, it’s not like you’re raising the slime-grub alone. John’s gonna help too. And jeez, that guy’s so maternal; you probably won’t have to do anything but make sure you don’t step on it.”
Karkat suddenly stops in his tracks. You turn to look at him, and he seems to be having a melt-down. “Oh, Gog. Oh, Gog, I never thought of that. What if I step on her? I mean, she’s just, like, crawling everywhere. What if I step on her? Or sit on her? Or something else equally retarded? Oh, Jegus, John would kill me. He’d be crying and yelling, and he’d never talk to me again.”
You reach out a hand to shake him. “Dude. Dude.”
Your shaking doesn’t seem to affect him.
“Karkat!” you shout, shaking his shoulders with both hands.
“What?!” he snaps, finally looking at you.
“You called it a she,” you point out.
“What?”
“The grub. You totally referred to it as a ‘she’ and not an ‘it.’”
“Oh,” he says, and you can see him visibly relax. “I did, didn’t I?”
“Yeah,” you say, shrugging. “You’re going native, Dude. Next thing you know, you’ll even be calling it Lizzie, and referring to it as your daughter, just like John does.”
Karkat starts walking again, a bit dazed. “Yeah… maybe. Maybe you’re right.”
You shake your head and keep walking. “You’re an idiot.”
He doesn’t respond to you as the two of you keep walking towards his house.
“Hey, Strider,” Karkat says.
“Yeah?”
He has his normal scowl back. “Maybe we could… have an agreement where we do stuff like this more often. You know, if you have a problem or I have a problem we can… go drinking or something… together.”
The two of you walk in silence as you think about that.
“Only if there’s less cuddling involved next time,” you finally reply.
“Agreed,” he grunts.
> Dave: Accompany Karkat as he reunites with his loving matesprit and daughter
Karkat walks up to his door and—with only the slightest bit of hesitation—opens it. What greets you is not the sight of John being ridiculously domestic with his new daughter.
Instead, it’s Terezi sitting on the couch, a ton of papers on the coffee table, and the grub squirming in her hands, trying to get away as she licks it’s shell mercilessly.
With a sniff, she ‘looks’ up at the two of you. “Karkat, your daughter tastes like cherries.”
Karkat stomps up to Terezi and grabs the grub out of her hands. “What are you doing here? Quit licking her! Jegus!”
“I can’t help it, Karkles,” she says, grinning. “It’s shell is delicious, just like your blood.”
“John!” he yells. “You shit-head! Why did you leave the wriggler with a psychopath?!”
John pokes his head out of the kitchen wearing a flour covered apron.
“Karkat, you’re back,” he says, walking up to give the troll a hug. “Terezi was just helping me with some paperwork. Do you know how hard it is to get the state to issue a birth certificate for a troll wriggler that wasn’t technically born?”
Karkat just glares at him while the wriggler tries to wiggle free of his grasp. “Well, you won’t have to worry about it if Terezi eats it.”
You decide to let them keep arguing and slide onto the couch next to Terezi, wrapping an arm around her.
“Hey, Babe.”
“Hey, Coolkid,” she says with a snicker. “Are you okay? You smelled pretty freaked out at the party yesterday.”
You shrug. “Nah, I’m good. Cooler than a blizzard on LOFAF.”
“So, are you on speaking terms with Jade again?”
You frown at how well she knows everything. “Yeah, we’re cool. Wanna go pick up chicks when you’re done with this? I can be your wingman.”
She giggles. “Sure, Coolkid.”
“What do you mean?” Karkat yells, snapping your attention back to them. “Her last name is going to be Vantas, because she’s a troll, and that’s a proper troll name.”
“We could hyphenate,” John suggests. “Egbert-Vantas.”
“No. That sounds dumb. It’s not even the right number of letters. Her name is Lizzie Vantas, and that’s final.”
“I’m just glad to see you care,” John says, hugging him close. “After all, I thought grubs didn’t have names.”
“They don’t… I… I just… damn it.” Karkat mutters. “Fuck you, John.”
John kisses him on the cheek. “We’re going to be the best dads. It’s going to be us, dude.”
You lean back into the couch, enjoying Karkat’s suffering. Yeah, everything is going to be okay.