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Tsuruno is a sensible man.
To Shishido, it was kind of a “blink and you’ll miss it" type of thing. But he'd seen it enough times to notice and relish in it.
When he had saved him from the coliseum, Tsuruno seemed like a hero, if anything. An unreachable force that had scooped him away because it was the right thing to do. He just had been lucky to have been the one fighting at that exact moment, on that exact date.
But that wouldn’t be the only act of sensibility Shishido would discover from him at all.
The first days outside of the coliseum were rough. Everything was much more delicate than he’d like to admit. The sun would beat against him, but the heat wouldn’t feel as encompassing… kind of like that man.
When his hand was offered after every job well done, Shishido started to take note of those subtleties.
Constantly, he saw that sensibility in the way Tsuruno prepared his coffee, or how he’d choose tea on heavily rainy days. The way he’d deny his back pain was getting worse, only to lay down on his bed with his back up, bare, grumbling away until sleep took over. He’d hear it in the way he voiced a harsh word carefully, while his words of praise toward others were uninhibited.
Tsuruno would be strict, but never cruel. Strong, but never brutal.
And when it was time to rest, when work was done and he had already offered his hand, Tsuruno would soften further. He hid it behind his shades, his movements of swagger and authority. But, when they were alone, the image was much clearer, the noise of the outside would finally be drowned by his voice.
“Shishido, good work today.” He had already said that, but Shishido would take all the praise he could get. He nodded along with a bow as he watched the man plop against the couch of his office. A stiff stretch came over, Tsuruno faked it was nothing while Shishido pretended not to notice. A tap on the free space of the couch calls to Shishido’s attention.
“Sit,” Tsuruno mumbled while he placed a hand over his head. Tsuruno knew that, if he didn’t explicitly ask for it, Shishido would keep his distance, he would not sit. Discreetly, Shishido approached, trying to pretend he was just being cautious not to get caught by anyone else.
Yet, as he got closer and closer, he started to see something interesting. Tsuruno's demeanor didn't just seem softer but disturbed.
Was he sad? He was dying to ask, dying to try and lend him a hand, if so. Instead, he just sat near him, staring away. Placing his shades over the table, Tsuruno leaned back, eyes away from his subordinate, for a time.
“Shishido… Would you say I am a good leader?” It was a soft whisper, loud enough between the silence of the room.
“The greatest, Captain.”
“No… Not like that. I don’t want you to butter me up. I want you to be honest. Right now, it’s Tsuruno and Shishido… Not Captain and Lieutenant.”
Shishido pauses, because the distinction sounds so foreign to him. There wasn’t a difference. Tsuruno was the savior who gave him another chance at life, his boss. A sensible man that wouldn’t express that sensibility lightly because the world would take advantage of it, if he did.
“Captain…” He only says it out of habit. Right now, as he turns over to look at him, he is trying to eye him completely – try to spot further down from just his precious captain. And he sees it again, with the way he is staring at a random wall of the room… The way his eyes waver against the uncertainty, the wait for an answer, that is also sensibility. Tsuruno was much more broken, much more burdened than Shishido had thought.
“You are the greatest leader we could ever have. You are–”
“You’re being honest, Shishido?” He asks, eyes closing.
“Yes. You are our savior. You’ve saved all of us. I know you always say it’s not true, but we’d be nothing without you. We love you.” Oh, saying that felt like exposing himself and he tried to clam up and look away, but Tsuruno’s eyes opened and looked for him… He can’t reject the call, he stares back at him, his eyes squint a little as an attempt to keep himself from moving. That look in his eyes feels strong, but gentle. Is this also sensibility?
Yes, he must be deliberately showing vulnerability, this time.
“It has never truly been enough.” Tsuruno confesses and Shishido can’t say another word, he chooses to listen instead of deny. If he were to say something right now, maybe Tsuruno would hide away again. Without his shades, Shishido wondered if the man felt much more exposed than he actually was. He manages to see the water threatening to fall inside the eyes that beg not to be left alone. Water does not fall, it remains firm, like that man. He still looks intimidating, like a giant, but just as sensible.
The pieces beneath tell Shishido something more; even that hero he reveres hurts.
And a part of him likes it, appreciates it all the more. That hero he adores is just like him. It’s a little embarrassing, the amount of time it took him to notice this was a possibility.
Maybe, he shouldn’t have idolized him that much. No, as he leans closer, his head tilting, he realizes he should’ve actually revered him all the more than he already had.
After all, he is the first one to break the silence after Tsuruno decides to let it simmer.
“Why… do you say that?” Shishido wonders if he should’ve truly asked, or if he should’ve swatted the words right then and there. Maybe, he should’ve stuck to the plan of remaining silent until Tsuruno said something more… He wasn’t sure. When it came to Tsuruno, he couldn’t help but overthink his choices. He was always an expert on saying exactly what people wanted to hear, but Tsuruno wasn’t that shallow. Instead, he’d always want the raw, honest opinions, prodding until they came to light. He’d smile genuinely when the truth came up, regardless of how much it could hurt him.
So, half-truths worked best with him, and yet, Shishido would only use them whenever truly necessary. When it came to those plans he didn’t agree with, things that threatened his livelihood. He’d tread carefully.
But, right now, how should he handle this? Though there is a whirlwind in his head, he eyes the man carefully, shortens the distance for just a little. Maybe he was seeing things, but he swore Tsuruno was dying to be touched with the way his expression reacted to the movement, the false promise of more proximity.
A man like him, touch-starved… Shishido never would’ve guessed.
“It’s never enough. What I do, what I say. How I handle you or… anything. It has never been enough.”
“But it has, Captain.” Oh, something clicks when the other man shakes his head and lowers it. His eyebrows knit as he struggles with his own words. Shishido stops himself, leans a little back at the realization.
“Captain.” The call is soft, a firm tone to cause the other to look back at him.
“Are you happy? With us?”
There’s silence, one that bothers Shishido again, it stirs his heart… And he knows the same happened with Tsuruno when his eyes widened.
“Are you kidding?” The question is answered with just a look. He doesn’t stare away, Tsuruno sighs and, though he knows the right answer, he finds himself wavering.
“It’s not that I’m not happy… Sometimes, I just– I don’t know why it feels like everything I do– Ah, it’s stupid.”
Again, Shishido leans his head a little toward him, he stares, trying to find something in those eyes. They’re no longer teary, but the sadness lingers.
“You don’t have to explain it.” Because he knows that sensation better than anyone – in a more literal sense, but he understands. “You said it before. You think you’re not enough. But, Captain, you are being too hard on yourself.”
“Am I? I’m always so hard on you guys, and you treat it as a good thing.”
“That’s different. You do that so we strive higher, because you know what we can and cannot take. But, Captain, respectfully, I don’t think you know your own threshold.”
“Huh? How wouldn’t I know that?”
“Because that’s… uh, that’s how we were raised, I guess. Society, and all that shit, right? You told me before…” Fingers come over, they find other, lonely fingers and grab them tight. Tsuruno lets it happen. “But, you know… Your band of misfits is not society. You plucked us out when no one else would come save us… And gave us mercy when the world wanted to make us suffer. We wouldn’t ever judge you like them. They don’t know anything about you or your worth.”
Tsuruno knows what Shishido speaks about, and it pains him further, those fingers shake. It’s one of the things he had been thinking about. If only he had done better, maybe that kid would’ve been alright. But the firm grip tells him he is wrong. A deep breath comes again, his head hangs a little further down. It’s still a little hard to accept it.
“So then, what? Do I just… let myself sink?”
“You let me help you strive higher. I know your threshold, Captain. Leave it to me. The only thing wrong with you is the fact that you do not lean on your right-hand man for help. Lean on me. Let me do my job.”
“Do I… let you do your job right now?”
“Yes. Now, right now,... close your eyes and let me kiss your worries away.”
“...Okay.” Huh? Shishido himself is surprised that something like that worked. He wanted to think this meant he had read Tsuruno right. He needed a touch, a kiss, something that could remind him that he wasn’t just this figure of authority – that he wasn’t alone in this world, no matter how cruel it all was. Bring him back from the pit of sadness that overtook him after his job was done for the day.
So, careful, Shishido approaches. His hand remains with the other’s, moving his head to meet the one hanging low. It would just be soft touches of his lips against Tsuruno’s, peck after peck…
Though, when their lips touch, part, and touch again, he closes his eyes, he sinks in, he doesn’t wish to part.
It is the once free hand at the back of his head, steadying him, that lets him know that the other wants this as much as he does.. An earnest, sweeter kiss, delicate, passionate, that takes over the both of them for just a little while – always shorter than they’d like.
When he leans away, Tsuruno chuckles.
“I guess I was finally lucky, today.”
“Hm?”
Tsuruno shakes his head. He’d told himself that he’d wait for Shishido to approach. He had to be the one to push for a kiss, for a touch, maybe even for a longer chat. No matter how much he wanted it, he would wait. And if it never came, it simply was rotten luck for him.
“I was lucky to have you here today. Maybe, I’ll be able to sleep peacefully tonight.”
“Captain–” the voice comes with a hint of mischief and Tsuruno’s head tilts with curiosity.
“Wh–What, Shishido? Why are you looking at me like that?”
“You just invited me to sleep with you, right?”
“No! I– That wasn’t– Well–”
“You did! And who am I to say no to a request from my Captain?” He doesn’t allow his captain to say anything. No, actually, he allows him to trip on his words and complain all he wants as he swiftly grabs the man and carries him with ease. Away from the couch, away from the sadness, away from his insecurities.
The way the man eased up to it and held onto Shishido was another action he’d add to the list of quiet sensibilities.
They’d sleep together tonight, and Shishido would watch over his dreams. If he had to, he’d stay awake, soothing him back from any pit of darkness he found himself in. Whatever it took to help his captain – the one he cared for the most.
Tsuruno is a sensible man, he’ll sleep against the strength of a chest that heaved up and down, drowning him in the soothing smell of adoration, finally able to easily hand over the weight of the world to someone he trusted.
It was a blink and you’ll miss it type of thing, those brief sparks of sensibility and intimacy between them.
But they were enough for both of them to notice, to relish in them.