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Our love was a language only we spoke, now words lost in silence.
A wistful sigh slips past Maloi’s slightly parted lips as she looks at the heavy drops of rain pelting against the window. A quick glance at the watch strapped to her wrist informs her that it’s already a quarter past eight in the evening. More than a full hour since the time she and her girlfriend agreed upon to meet.
Jaws clenching tight in frustration, she reaches for the glass half-full of wine on her table and downs it all in one go. Carefully wiping the corner of her mouth with the back of her hand, she flags down a waiter and puts in an order despite having lost her appetite after the first half hour. It’s been weeks since the picture frame incident, and while both she and Jhoanna tried their hardest to act like nothing happened, it’s getting harder to pretend that everything is alright with each day that passes.
Maloi has always been the type of person who wasn’t afraid of confrontation, and she knows that her girlfriend is like that too. And while they’ve had their fair share of arguments over the years due in part to their strong personalities, she couldn’t help but feel that things between the two of them are bound to change should she try to confront Jhoanna this time.
And so, despite the silence between them slowly wrapping itself around her in a suffocating hold, Maloi refuses to say anything. Because she loves Jhoanna so much. And the thought of losing the younger woman is enough to leave her a broken, sobbing mess most nights.
A wry smile tugs at the corners of her lips at the thought.
Karma ko na rin siguro to. Sa lahat ng mga pusong nasaktan at pinaasa ko noon.
The familiar, heavy weight of disappointment and longing settles over her heart, and all Maloi could do is force a smile when the waiter finally places her food down in front of her. Eyes stinging from the tears she tries her hardest to hold back, Maloi starts slowly eating.
Her favorite plate of pasta has never tasted so bitter.
Another half hour later, Maloi steps out into the cold night air as the smell of petrichor assaults her senses. The rain has stopped, leaving everything in its wake wet from the raindrops and shining under the moonlight. A chill runs through her as the cold evening breeze billows by, and for a moment, she regrets not bringing her coat when she left the apartment earlier in the evening.
The regret doesn’t last long though, because in the cold, Maloi found a weird sense of comfort. In the cold, she found herself slowly feeling numb. In the cold, she slowly found herself getting lost in a daze.
She doesn’t know how much time has passed, but when she comes to, she finds herself standing near the restaurant across the building where Jhoanna worked. lifting an arm up, she looks at her watch and is quite surprised when she sees that it’s already almost ten o’clock in the evening.
With another sigh, she was about to turn on her heels and head back to her and Jhoanna’s shared apartment when a heavy downpour suddenly started again. She was so caught unawares that she wasn’t even able to take cover somewhere. Feeling utterly helpless, she just lets out a deep, guttural groan out of sheer frustration before closing her eyes and turning her face towards the sky.
The raindrops are icy cold against her skin, and she’s a hundred and ten percent sure that she’ll be sick in the morning. But at this moment, Maloi finds that she couldn’t care less. She’s feeling nothing and everything all at once, and she doesn’t know where to even start to address her own feelings.
It’s been a good five minutes of her standing there under the downpour when she hears the sound of the nearby restaurant doors opening quite loudly. Slowly, she opens her eyes and turns towards the direction where the noise came from.
For a moment, nothing registers in her mind but the fact that there’s a group of five women standing in front of the restaurant’s double doors. Her gaze flits from one blurry face to another, nothing registering, until her eyes meet a very familiar pair of dark brown.
Jhoanna .
The sight of her girlfriend is like a douse of scalding water on her skin, and Maloi feels something inside her snap like a brittle twig. It’s only then, when her mind finally clears, that she recognizes the other faces with her girlfriend.
Aiah.
Traitor.
Stacey.
Traitor.
Sheena.
Traitor.
And the sight of the last face is enough to shatter her already broken heart.
Colet.
The older woman has an arm around Jhoanna’s shoulders, and the latter was leaning against her in a very intimate manner that people would mistake them for lovers. And for another moment, everyone just stood there, stunned, gaping at Maloi like she’s some kind of apparition.
When Maloi’s gaze lands back on Jhoanna, once she sees those fear-stricken eyes, a weird sense of calm washes over her being. She doesn’t know why, but laughter slowly bubbles in the pit of her stomach. The next thing she knows, she’s laughing out loud while being soaked under the heavy downpour.
Full-on belly laughter that has her squatting and grabbing at her knees.
A couple of moments pass in this manner, until Maloi sees Jhoanna moving from the corner of her vision. The action puts an abrupt halt to her laughter and, feeling eerily calm and collected all of a sudden, Maloi stands back up to her full height and faces her girlfriend which makes Jhoanna stop dead in her tracks.
Then, slowly, a smile as deranged as her feelings at that moment settles on Maloi’s lips as she meets Jhoanna’s gaze head on.
Don’t follow me.
Leave me be.
And with that, she quickly turns on her heels and quickly storms away, leaving five very stunned individuals who can only watch her retreating back as they were all frozen in place.
Maloi had just stepped out of the shower when she heard the front door of their unit being opened a little forcefully.
It looks like Jhoanna’s finally home.
Her gaze flits over towards the clock hanging on the wall above her vanity, and a scornful snort escapes her when she sees that it’s already been a full hour since she got home. Jhoanna must’ve driven everyone else first before going home.
Maloi remembers that Colet is the one who lives the furthest away, and the thought of the past lovers being alone inside Jhoanna’s car is enough to twist Maloi’s heart in equal parts hurt and bitterness. Sighing, she slips on her camisole nightgown before slipping into the bed and settling under the thick sheets. She’s never been more glad to have decided to blow dry her hair after her shower.
She knows that the mature thing to do in her situation is to talk things out with her girlfriend. But she’s already feeling the onset of a fever as the back of her throat starts to itch. Besides, the mere thought of Jhoanna makes her want to jump off a cliff. It would be a very horrible idea to talk to the younger woman when her mind is in such a jumbled and vulnerable state.
With one last sigh, Maloi closes her eyes and slowly drifts off to sleep.
She was already on the brink of slumber when she thought she heard the bedroom door open. With the exhaustion from the day she just had winning over her curiosity, Maloi vaguely registers the bed dipping as a sturdy presence settles against her back before everything fades to black.
As had been the norm between the two of them for the past couple of weeks, Maloi and Jhoanna don’t talk about the night that the latter forgot about their anniversary. Not a single word was spoken about how Maloi, who had waited for her girlfriend at their favorite restaurant for almost two hours, caught said girlfriend exiting a restaurant with her friends and ex-girlfriend.
It’s been a week since then, and while they still pretended that there wasn’t anything wrong between them, Maloi couldn’t help but take note of one noticeable difference.
Jhoanna is trying.
From going home straight from work, trying to cook their meals whenever her schedule permits, to just contenting herself with sitting on the other side of the couch where Maloi sits during their off days, Maloi notices it all. She knows that this is the younger woman’s way of trying to make it up to her whilst respecting the space they both know she needs. And while she does feel a bit touched, Maloi knows in her heart that things just aren’t the same between them anymore.
There was a time, not that long ago, when Maloi felt nothing but warmth, comfort, and peace whenever she looked at her girlfriend. Now though, after the whole picture frame and their anniversary incident, she finally starts to recognize a new, foreign feeling inside her heart whenever she finds her gaze settling on Jhoanna.
Betrayal.
And the budding feelings of resentment, which she tries her hardest to curb.
Yes, she knows that the younger woman had hurt her. But Maloi knows that Jhoanna, much like herself, is a mere victim of her own feelings. And while she knows that she has all the right to feel bitter and resentful, Maloi couldn’t bring herself to get mad at - much less resent - the love of her life.
So, Maloi kept mum.
In order to not let the hatred grow and take over her heart, Maloi remained quiet. And as their days passed whilst everything continues to be unaddressed, Maloi found herself slowly turning numb from the pain.
Their Saturdays, which they used to spend visiting places they’ve never been to before, are now spent away from each other. Maloi would always have some excuse ready, and even before Jhoanna could ask where’s she’s headed to, either Mikha or Gwen would already be there to pick the older woman up and whisk her away.
Their Sundays, filled with laughter and comfort and warmth, as they spent the whole day staying in and just basking in each other’s presence, are now a quiet, dreary event.
And during their weekday evenings lately, which were once spent having dinner and lazing around the living area after, are now no more as Maloi is almost always already asleep when Jhoanna arrives.
Everything blows over one Saturday morning three weeks after the anniversary fiasco.
For the first time in three weeks, Maloi had nowhere else to be. Jhoanna, who had been thrilled at the rare opportunity, made an all-out effort to reconnect with her girlfriend.
“Lucky,” Jhoanna softly calls out as she stands on the threshold between the dining and living area.
Maloi, who was sitting on the couch whilst channel surfing in boredom, slowly looks up at her. Jhoanna smiles, and Maloi feels her heart clench when she sees the uncertainty in those once very confident eyes.
“Kain na tayo?” the younger woman asks, the hesitance in her voice quite obvious that it sends a sharp pain to her girlfriend’s heart.
Not having the heart to disappoint her, Maloi just takes in a deep breath before nodding her head in assent.
“Tara,” she mutters as she gets up from the couch and turns the TV off.
There’s an obvious tension between them, so thick that it can be cut with a knife. Maloi is too afraid, too cowardly to confront and acknowledge it. But she did try, multiple times, to address said tension. Jhoanna, however, stubbornly deflects every attempt that the older woman makes.
She must’ve sensed the resolve in Maloi’s voice, which is why she’s being uncharacteristically avoidant.
But Maloi is already at her wit’s end. She knows that they have to confront all of the issues between the two of them. They can’t pretend that things are a-okay with them forever, and Maloi knows what she has to do before she and Jhoanna could hurt each other more than they already have.
“Jhoanna,” slips past Maloi’s lips as soon as they finish their meal.
Jhoanna, who was in the midst of clearing the table, pauses from what she’s doing to look at Maloi.
“Jhoanna? Not Tintin? Nakakapagtampo, Lucky,” Jhoanna says with an attempt at being playful. But the way her voice shook and the tremble in her lips are enough giveaway to her nerves.
Maloi feels a lump lodging in her throat when she sees the fear that overtakes the look in her girlfriend’s eyes. She knows that the younger woman is hurting right now, and she knows that she’s the cause of that pain. She wants to get up from her seat and pull Jhoanna into a tight hug, to reassure her that everything will be alright between them.
Yet she remains glued to her seat.
For Maloi as she knows that she’s the cause of Jhoanna’s pain, she’s also aware that Jhoanna knows that she’s the reason behind Maloi’s heartbreak.
“Jho,” Maloi tries again, this time meeting the younger woman’s gaze head on.
Jhoanna’s lips tremble as the first tear rolls down her cheek, catching the older woman completely off-guard. And before another word can slip past Maloi’s lips, she finds Jhoanna - her sweet, strong-willed, and dignified girlfriend - kneeling in front of her. Maloi’s tears fall at the same moment that Jhoanna gently grabs her hands, the latter looking up at her with reddening eyes and cheeks quickly getting soaked with tears.
“Loi- Lucky . . . wag. Please? Alam ko, andami kong pagkukulang sayo. I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes and I’ve made you feel unloved. Pero . . . pero mahal kita, Lucky. Mahal na mahal. Please let me make it up to you? Wag mo naman akong bitawan. Wag mo akong sukuan, please. Hindi . . . Hindi ko kakayanin.”
Every choked word that falls from Jhoanna’s lips is like a dagger being twisted into Maloi’s heart, and soon enough, she finds herself sobbing alongside the younger woman.
Her eyes prick.
Her lungs burn for oxygen.
Her heart hurts from the love she thought was withstanding.
Everything hurts, and all she could do is cry out in anguish for the hearts they keep on breaking.
“Jho. Jhoanna. Tintin, please. Please let me go,” she all but begs as well, which makes Jhoanna sob even louder.
The younger woman presses their joined hands against her eyes as she all but leans against Maloi’s legs as she remains begging on her knees.
“No, no, no. I won’t. I can’t . I’ll do better. I promise I will. Hindi ko na mahal si Col, matagal na. I’m so sorry na late ko na narealize. I was just being stupid. Pero Lucky, please. Please don’t leave me. I can’t . . . I can’t live without you. Masakit. Sobrang sakit. Please naman oh. Nagmamakaawa ako, Lucky. Stay with me. I’ll be better. Promise. Promise, so please. Please naman oh. Dito ka lang. Sakin ka lang, please.”
Another gut-wrenching sob rips through Maloi as she uses all her remaining strength to make Jhoanna look up at her.
Ah. Even with the tears and the bloodshot eyes, Jhoanna still looks so, so beautiful that Maloi finds herself falling in love all over again.
Biting on her lower lip so hard that she draws blood, Maloi could only shake her head like a madman as Jhoanna continued to beg before her.
“I . . . I can’t. I’m so sorry Tintin ko, pero ubos na ubos na ako. I tried naman eh, kasi mahal na mahal kita. At hindi ko din kaya na wala ka. Pero since our anniversary where you ditched me, I felt something in me snap. And lately, everytime I look at you, I find myself gasping for air. Hindi lang dahil sa sobrang ganda mo at mahal na mahal kita, but also because the image of you and her is so ingrained in my mind that I keep going back to that night. And it ruins me.”
Maloi pauses to take huge gulps of air and to calm herself. But the sound of her girlfriend’s broken sobs do nothing but break her even further. She’s never, ever heard Jhoanna sound so heartbroken in all the years that she’s known her, that seeing her girlfriend’s current state leaves Maloi reeling from it all.
“Ramdam ko naman, umpisa pa lang, na napilitan ka lang sakin-”
“Hindi yan totoo!”
“Please, Jhoanna. I may be stupid and blind, but I’m not numb, mahal ko. Hindi ako manhid para hindi maramdaman na sa mga panahong minamahal kita, iba yung laman niyang puso mo. Akala ko, kaya kong tiisin yun. Akala ko, kakayanin natin kahit ako lang yung nagmamahal nang lubos. Pero tao lang ako, Jho. Nauubos din. At ubos na ubos na talaga ako. Kaya please, ngayon pa lang, nagmamakaawa din ako sayo. Mahal na mahal kita, but please let me go.”
Pulling her hands back from the younger woman’s hold, Maloi shakily cups Jhoanna’s cheeks before leaning down to capture her lips in a searing kiss.
In that kiss, Maloi pours all the love she still harbors for Jhoanna.
In that kiss, Maloi lets out all the hurt and the pain tormenting her heart.
In that kiss, Maloi ardently wishes for both her and Jhoanna to stop hurting.
The need for air prompts the two of them to break from their kiss and Maloi, feeling the fight leaving her body, ends up pressing her forehead against Jhoanna’s.
“Lucky . . . Please . . .”
“Mahal na mahal kita, Tintin."
A pause. And feeling like her soul is being ripped apart, Maloi says with finality.
"Pero hindi ko na kaya.”