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Calling myself a Daisy but feeling like a Skye
“My mother didn’t deserve what she went through, but neither did I.”
“She was anger and sadness and terror. She let the darkness overtake her.”
Excerpts from “My father's eyes, my mother's rage”
Daisy sat on the floor of her room. She felt she needed the cold it provided. It was probably already way past dinner time, which meant everyone was probably heading to sleep; she wasn’t sure. She had missed tai chi, breakfast, training, a meeting, and anything in between, although she hadn’t initially planned it. She just woke up and knew that there was no way she was leaving the room or facing anything, so she turned off her phone and any possible form of communication, used her hacking skills to change settings on her door lock so there was no way anyone could enter, and then proceeded to ignore the world around her.
For the first hour when she had woken up, she sat and stared at the wall, letting her mind drift to any memory that came, which granted none were pleasant. Then she got “the box”, a simple shoe box that has traveled with her since she was 8 and where she stores anything that means something to her, which includes silly things like random notes or a cinema receipt from when a foster sister took her to the movies or a post it with a smiling face that Coulson had left on a report she had made or a pair of sunglasses she may accidentally have stolen from May (not her fault May had forgotten to ask them back after Daisy had borrowed them during a mission).
Why on earth did she decide to look at that box? Was she sentimental? No (yes). Was she feeling nostalgic after finding her parents just to lose them both? Maybe (also yes). Maybe she just wanted a reminder that she had experienced love and care in little moments. She only had those little moments, and she supposed that had to be enough.
There was no finding her parents anymore. They were gone. She felt angry.
Angry that she found them just to lose them. Angry that she had been able to stop seeing herself as an orphan for all 10 minutes before it was taken from her. Angry that she had allowed herself to imagine for a second a domestic life with her parents… the normal things like dinners just like the one they had when she had arrived to the After life; as an orphan she knew not to get attached, not to let hope rise as it would only hurt and disappoint her when the inevitable happened… exactly like it did (well not exactly she couldn’t have predicted how crazy things with her mother and father would get). And so she was angry at the way things turned up. Angry that Cal was still somewhere in the world living a good life that she couldn’t be part of, that despite all the wrongs he did, she could see… no, she had seen that he had cared and loved her. Angry with Jiaying for what she became and how she almost killed her because revenge and power had blinded her.
But above all, she was angry for one simple truth. She had sympathy (or empathy? She wasn’t sure) for her parents. And that was a fact.
She knew that what Hydra had done to Jiaying had forever broken her, changed her in a way that couldn’t be healed… that hadn’t healed at all and was the reason for their demise. But her mother hadn’t deserve what Hydra did to her… when Daisy thought about it, her heart broke for her mother and the pain and agony she must have felt to be torn apart, experimented, treated like nothing but a lab rat with no other value than what she could offer, the breakthroughs and power her body offered. Daisy couldn’t really blame her for being angry and sad, for giving herself completely to the darkness and the terror that were given to her so forcefully after ripping her apart from her family.
The thing is… that Daisy didn’t deserve any of this either.
She didn’t deserve to feel this pain and this longing coursing through her veins. She didn’t deserve to be feared, and the weird and frightening looks she got for the powers she didn’t ask for (she had never wanted to be singled out like that). She didn’t deserve to know or had gone through the realization that her own mother, the mother that she had spent years searching for, was willing to kill her because she had become an obstacle instead of a supporting daughter in an evil scheme. She didn’t deserve to have watched her father kill her mother. She didn’t deserve to know her father was out there, but would never recognize her again. She didn’t deserve to be alone again… to be an orphan again.
Regardless, that was her life, and she had to keep going. But today… Today, she had allowed herself to sit with these thoughts, these feelings, the grief, and just let them come and go. She had allowed herself to witness the downfall of a life searching for parents.
And that had been her day pretty much. She hadn’t even realized when she had started crying until she felt some small tremors underneath her, which prompted her to try to calm down. She was constantly scared of hurting others because of her powers that she had yet to understand the extent of.
And after debating with herself for another 30 minutes, she finally got up, cleaned her face as best as she could (not that it did anything for her swollen eyes), and walked out of her room, hoping to find the kitchen alone so she could grab some tea and whatever was left without encountering anyone.
She almost claimed victory after making her tea in a barely lit kitchen as grabbing a chocolate chip cookie package, until Coulson had casually walked to the kitchen, and wow would you look at that, coincidentally, May was coming too. Great.
She nodded without refusing to look them in the eyes and tried to hurry up so she could go back to her room.
“You didn’t show up for tai chi or training.” Said May, not unkindly, but with a serious expression. Phil knew that this could be translated as ‘hey, I didn’t see you today, is everything ok?’ And the fact that her tone was not reproachful even as her face was serious meant she was worried for Daisy. Not that Daisy would notice that, as Melinda May did everything in her power to hide her feelings.
“Uhm yeah… I felt a little sick, so I stayed in my room.”
May raised an eyebrow that Daisy had not seen either, as she still refused to look up from her cookies.
Coulson also knew, of course, that it was a lie, but he decided to humor her to see how far she would take it. “You should have come to the lab, Jemma would’ve been able to check you up.”
“I think it’s just a bad cold. I'm probably gonna be fine by tomorrow.” She took a sip of her tea and was forced to raise her head and have a glimpse at her director and SO’s faces. One glance at them and her eyes welled up with tears as she remembered the nightmare where Coulson and May had held her as a baby. Life would’ve been different had they been her parents. She ducked her head in hopes that they hadn’t seen the tears that were threatening to fall. “Anyway… I should go rest now,” she shrugged and began standing up.
That was until Coulson put a hand on her shoulder, all the while May carried her cup to the sink.
“What’s going on Skye?” He still had trouble remembering she was going by Daisy these days, and for some reason, listening to the name she gave herself as an orphan just made the tears come faster. “Hey…hey.” Coulson took one glance at Daisy's tearful eyes and simply brought her in for a hug.
Daisy didn’t react for a few seconds before she collapsed into him and allowed him to hold her as silent tears rolled down her cheeks. For the first time during that day, she felt some comfort. It was soothing.
Some minutes later, she let go of him, feeling embarrassed. “I’m sorry.” And since she was already embarrassed she might as well explain herself before they asked “I’m sorry… I’m not sick. I just… I woke up and it dawned on me that I’m an orphan again… I know I’m too old to call myself that anyway but…I felt all alone again” she whispered the last part very softly and then shook her head as if to clear her thoughts “I couldn't bring myself to come out. I’m sorry if I worried you.”
In a rare moment of vulnerability, May took her hand and squeezed it. “You are not alone Daisy. We're here for you… But don't push us out pretending nothing's going on. Don’t run, come to us instead.” Melinda May had a soft spot for Daisy, and it only grew as Daisy glanced at their linked hands, then to her face with a look of gratitude.
“We know you’ve been through a lot, and we want to help you in any way you need. We care and we are here.” Coulson had lingered close to her too, and was looking at her with worrisome eyes.
But Daisy was speechless. She had been grieving the loss of her parents the whole day… but in this moment, she didn’t feel so alone because here were two amazing people worried for her, one who had trusted and believed in her by giving her an opportunity, and another who had taken her under her wing and spent so much time supervising her. And Daisy had never said it, but it had mean the world to her all the moments where Melinda May and Phil Coulson had trained her, taught her, defended her and most importantly how they let her become a part of their worlds because her relationship with both of them had grown so much and hadn’t May said so herself when González had gone talking to her mother claiming that they needed someone objective which apparently disqualified May and Coulson for the task.
For the first time since the day began, she felt hopeful that things would be ok. She had her … what were May and Coulson to her? She would say friends, but deep in her mind and her heart, she knew that for a long time, they had already become some sort of mother and father figure. But she wasn’t ready to think about it or dare voice it. For now, she was content to feel that truth. That was enough.
She surprised herself and them by pulling them into a hug. The three of them hugging in the middle of a barely lit kitchen. May had frozen, and although slowly, she had returned the hug.
Maybe her mother and father had let sadness and anger consume them. But she wasn’t them, she wasn’t going to let it consume her.
And she wasn’t alone. She had her May and Coulson to help her not become darkness herself.