Chapter Text
“Perhaps I am but a glimmer
But I yearn to give you radiant brilliance
I would rather get hurt in the dark
Silently illuminating your lonely night.'' — Hua Chenyu (Glimmer)
Suho found himself on a hospital bed, his whole body aching as if he'd been hit by a truck several times. He tried to move but felt a sharp pain in his left leg, and he didn't dare try again. He let out a low groan that woke the person sleeping on the chair beside him, unnoticed. He moved his head slowly to find Yeon Sieun opening his swollen eyes, his uniform stained with blood.
Sieun jumped up as soon as he realized Suho was awake, his expression lit up instantly. "Hey, how are you feeling?" He asked so worried that Suho’s chest tightened. He tried to answer, but his throat was dry and sore. “It’s okay, don’t move. I’ll call someone for you.” Sieun left in such a hurry that Suho didn't have time to protest. He closed his eyes again, hoping his headache would pass.
Sieun returned with a nurse and waited silently beside the bed, observing their every move attentively. They said Suho was healing very quickly and would only need a few more days in the hospital for some tests then he was good to go. Sieun relaxed, breathing freely for what seemed like the first time in days. He called Suho’s grandma to tell her the good news and told Suho she would be there with his parents soon.
Suho gestured for Sieun to help him sit up and gulped down the water he offered. “Wow, my head hurts like hell.” he muttered, sinking into the pillow Sieun adjusted behind him.
“They gave you some painkillers. It should get better soon.”
Suho frowned. “Why are you all bloody?”
“Oh… Uhm.” Sieun looked away, “ Don’t worry about this. It’s nothing.”
“Ya! Yeon Sieun-” Suho’s attempt at anger faltered when he noticed Sieun’s trembling hands. “Wait, what happened? How long have I been out?”
“Four days.” Suho’s eyes widened in surprise. Sieun was visibly tired, and the sun rays streaming through the window highlighted his pink, watery eyes. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“For everything.” The raw pain in his voice made Suho feel a desperate need to distract him.
“Hey! I’m okay, look.” He flexed his arms jokingly. “It’s not your fault. I’m sorry too.” he smiled. “When Grandma arrives, go home. Take a shower and sleep a little, okay?”
A single tear trembled on the corner of Sieun’s eyes, as he nodded, a faint smile touching his chapped lips.
—
As promised, Sieun left when Suho's grandma arrived, after briefing her on what the nurse had said.
His grandma sat beside the bed, holding Suho's bandaged hand gently. “Your parents are a little late, but they'll get here soon. How are you feeling, dear?”
“I'm okay, just a little headache.” he smiled weakly. “Sieun said I've been out for four days. I don’t even remember getting here.”
Her concerned expression was drawn on her face. “What happened, son?” He felt his face grow warm. He knew his family probably had a lot of questions piled up on their minds, but they were too complicated to answer truthly.
Suho looked down, biting his bottom lip. He didn’t want to lie, so he just stayed silent.
He remembered Beomseok’s face looking down at him in that ring. The other guys stepping in. The weight on his chest, unable to move as they kicked him. The pain growing so fast his body couldn't process it, and he no longer had the strength to keep his eyes opened.
His grandma sighed, her thumb stroking the back of his hand. “They said you were training and passed out." She hesitated, looking at his wounded hand. "But some men came and had me sign some documents. They said they would pay for everything you needed if we didn’t press charges. I couldn’t tell your friends, but your parents had to know.”
Suho’s breath trembled. He felt the anger coming back, boiling his blood. They not only hurt Youngyi and Sieun and unfair tactics to win, but also involved his Grandma. Now he couldn’t even try to make them pay. He looked at her troubled expression and the anger was mixed with guilt. "I'm really sorry, grandma. I didn't mean to make you worry."
His words were interrupted by the sudden noise of the doors opening.
Suho hadn’t seen his parents in years. Honestly, he'd almost forgotten what they looked like. They felt like strangers, and for some reason, he couldn't make out the details of their faces, and it made him feel even dizzier.
They apologized for not being there earlier, but Suho’s mind couldn't register their words. They talked so much and so loudly that his headache only got worse, but he tried to smile anyway.
His mom reached out to hug him, but he flinched at her touch. “Sorry, my whole body hurts.” His dad tried squeezing his leg reassuringly, but his knee was swollen to double the size, and he hissed in pain.
They were asking questions, but not leaving even a second of silence for him to answer, as they talked over each other. Normally, Suho thought he would probably try to talk, but he was just getting dizzy with their overwhelming chaos.
Suho closed his eyes, feeling a heavy weight on his eyelids. His grandma helped him lie down again, tucking the blanket over him. “Rest, dear. We’ll be here.”
—
When he woke up again, Yeongyi was there. “HEY!” she screamed. “I thought you would never wake up! What the hell, Ahn Suho?”
Suho flinched. “Please… Don’t scream.”
“Oh, sorry,” she adjusted her voice. “But you owe me an explanation. Now I understand why Sieun asked me to never tell you about that birthday incident. Do you know how worried we were? Are you actually insane?”
“How am I the insane one? Didn’t Sieun also go after them alone?”
“Yeah, and that ended so well, huh?” she laughed sarcastically. “He went there to save me, and he tried to run away. He never intended to beat them up. Unlike you!”
“Alright, fuck me, then,” he scoffed. “Aren’t you going to tell me what happened to him? He was here all bloody and tired. He looked worse than me.”
“Dude, he went completely berserk on the kids who did this to you. He basically crippled all of them, except for Beomseok.”
“What? Why?”
“What do you mean, why? We hadn’t heard from you for three days. Found you here in a coma with no prospect of waking up. Honestly, although it was complete insanity, what he did was kind of romantic.” She giggled, and Suho looked at her in disbelief. “Yeah, Sieun should probably be sent to a mental institution, but they deserved it. I was more surprised he went easy on Beomseok considering he was kinda the mastermind behind all this fuckery.”
Suho felt so conflicted. He went to that ring to end it all. Make the violence stop. But Sieun still got caught in this endless circle. “Will he get expelled?”
“Yes, no doubt. But I genuinely don’t think he cares anymore.”
“How are you so calm about this?”
“My guy, I would have done the same if I could. Sieun found a video of that day, and Wooyoung was dumb enough to livestream the whole thing. They can’t send Sieun to juvie, or all those rich kids will end up there as well. So, expelling him is the only thing they can do. It’s not that bad. And I heard Beomseok’s dad is sending him to the Philippines tomorrow.”
“Ah, what even is this situation… Sieun shouldn't have done that. Where will he go now?” Suho said, frustrated.
“I don’t know, man. But I’m sure he’ll be okay. You’re awake, and that’s all that matters now!”
—
After three more days in the hospital, Suho was finally able to go home.
He had to use a wheelchair and a knee brace; his leg was still swollen, yellow bruises as a reminder of the three broken bones around his left knee. Luckily, no surgery was necessary; just rest.
Yeongyi was still living with them, and his parents asked a million questions about that at first. They were a lot to handle, but they cared for him dearly, enjoying their break from work. They drove him to his medical appointments, cleaned his wounds, helped him shower, and made sure he ate well everyday. He felt their love for the first time in years.
He tried to occupy his mind, since he couldn’t use his body. Sieun visited daily to bring them snacks, hang out and help in any way he could.
Two weeks later, he could walk with crutches.
His parents had to go back to Japan, and started sending him money whenever they could so he wouldn't feel pressured to start working again so soon.
Suho’s rehabilitation was slow, but his friends and family were there for him every step of the way, holding his hand, keeping him distracted. He felt a little guilty for needing so much help, but he tried not to dwell on it.
—
Suho got used to Sieun visiting him every day. Sieun talked about school vaguely, and they played games or watched movies. Sometimes Sieun would try to teach him the subjects he was missing, and Suho did his best to pay attention.
Sieun always helped him with even the most basic tasks, like getting dressed, walking to the bathroom, and bringing him food in bed so he wouldn’t have to go downstairs. It was like they were attached at the hip, but no one was complaining.
Suho asked his grandma to transfer him to Sieun’s new school so they could study together again. Sieun didn’t like the idea, as the school widely known as bad. He warned him against it, saying with a serious expression, “You don’t want to go there.”
Suho had retorted, “You’re there because of me, so if you suffer, I have to suffer with you!”
—
About a month and a half after being discharged, he was finally able to go back to school. He felt nervous and excited. He didn't know anyone there, but he hadn't known many people at his last school either, so perhaps it wouldn't be so different. He wanted to meet Sieun’s new friends.
On his first day, Sieun came to his house extremely early, before the sun was even up. He woke Suho up with a soft touch on his shoulder, looking fondly at his startled, sleepy face.
“How did you even get in?” Suho mumbled, barely able to open his eyes.
“Yeongyi gave me a copy of the keys,” Sieun whispered.
“Of course she did… Are we married or something?” Suho covered his eyes with his arm. “Why are you here so early?”
Sieun stood up and went to get Suho’s uniform from the closet. “You take a long time to get ready. I don’t want us to be late,” he said, his voice monotone. Suho sat on his bed, still sleepy, watching Sieun’s every move around his dark room. He placed Suho’s uniform beside him on the bed and handed him a towel. “Go take a shower.”
Suho sat there for a minute until Sieun gave him a gentle shove. Instead of obeying, Suho just laid down again, pulling the warm blanket over himself.
He heard Sieun sigh and felt the bed dip as Sieun sat beside him, a cold finger poking his cheek. “Wake up. Go take a shower.”
Suho grabbed his wrist and pulled him into a hug. “It’s so early, give me five more minutes,” he whispered in Sieun's ear. “Why are you so cold, Sieunnie?”
“We won’t have time for breakfast,” Sieun complained. Suho just groaned, and Sieun stopped trying to pull away. “Okay, five minutes…”
They laid there for exactly five minutes. Neither moved a muscle, unwilling to break away from the comfort.
Suho did, in fact, take a long time to get ready. It was difficult to shower by himself while sitting down. They had to put on his knee brace, and it took a while to get him into his uniform with his limited movements. Then Sieun gave him his crutches and helped him downstairs.
Sieun prepared a small breakfast, and they took the bus since neither of them could drive. It was nice having company. He never imagined Sieun would want to help him this much, and it made him feel giddy.
His house was half an hour from their school. Suho rested his head on Sieun’s shoulder and napped for the whole trip. He hadn’t seen many people other than his family and doctors for almost two months, and it was strange how people on the street looked at him. He felt their gazes but couldn't see their eyes or faces clearly. Everyone was a blur except for Sieun, so he decided to focus only on him.
Luckily, this school didn't have the enormous ramp their old school had, making it easier for him to walk, though still slowly.
“Sieunnie, will your friends think I’m cool?” he smirked.
“It’s fine if they don’t.”
“No! I want them to think I’m cool. What if they think I’m lame and then doubt how cool you are for being friends with me?”
“Well, I think you’re cool, so it doesn’t matter what they think,” he said, matter-of-factly.
“Waa, Yeon Sieun,” he said with a serious tone. “You want me all for yourself? Hm?” Sieun just rolled his eyes, and Suho laughed loudly.
Sieun helped him to the teachers’ office before heading to his class.
Suho spoke to their room teacher, who welcomed him with a tired expression. She explained everything he needed to know about tests and school rules, advising him to stick with Sieun, who was a model student. Suho felt a sense of pride knowing Sieun was still a top student after everything. Maybe Suho didn't completely ruin his life after all.
The teacher accompanied him to his class, where Sieun sat in the front row. He gave a brief introduction and sat in the vacant seat in the third row by the window. He could see Sieun clearly. It’s the perfect seat, he thought.
—
During class, he felt completely out of place. Sieun did his best to keep him updated on the subjects, but it was like his brain couldn’t grasp any of it. He kept hearing a sharp ring in his ear, like loud tinnitus. He closed his eyes and rested his head in his palm until it subsided.
When it was time for lunch, Sieun got up and went straight to his desk, followed by the boy who sat next to him.
“Hi,” the smaller boy said shyly. “I’m Seo Juntae, Sieun’s friend. He talks a lot about you.”
“Oh, does he?” Suho smiled, just as two other guys stormed over.
The tall one looked at him with wide eyes. “Ah, so this is the famous Ahn Suho.”
“Famous?” Suho looked at Sieun. “What have you been telling them?”
“Our Sieunnie doesn’t talk much, but his eyes say everything we need to know,” the other guy laughed, putting his arm around Sieun. Suho squinted, and Sieun shook the guy’s arm off.
“This is Go Hyuntak, and this is Park Humin,” Sieun pointed at them. Luckily, their builds were different enough for Suho to try and memorize.
“Let's go eat!” Humin said loudly, making Suho’s eardrum ache again.
—
Sieun’s friends were very welcoming. He knew Sieun wouldn't make bad friends, but he felt relieved anyway. Park Humin ate more than him. Juntae was soft-spoken and cared a lot about Sieun. Hyuntak was very interested in getting to know Suho and asked him way too many questions.
When school was finally over, Humin suggested they go to the arcade to celebrate, but Sieun declined, noticing how tired Suho looked. So, they just went home.
On the bus, Suho looked at Sieun beside him. “Your friends are nice,” he said quietly.
“They are…”
“I’m glad,” Suho smiled, resting his head on his friend’s shoulder.
Sieun put in his earphones, offering one to Suho, who accepted, surprised.
He could faintly hear the music and fell asleep again, waking up near their stop as Sieun tugged his shirt.
—
Suho went straight to bed as they got home. His head was dizzier than ever, and he was extremely tired. When he woke up two hours later, he heard Yeongyi and Sieun talking downstairs.
He got up with some difficulty and sent Yeongyi a text, asking her to come up.
“Hey! Everything alright?” she asked, entering the room.
“My knee hurts. Can you help me take the brace off?”
She did, and handed him the ointment from his bedside table. Suho tried to move his leg, but it ached. He had been unconsciously tensing it all day.
“How was school? Sieun said you got along well with his friends.”
“I guess… It was weird, though.”
“How so?” she asked.
“You remember when I first woke up and told the doctors I couldn’t see anyone’s faces? They said it would probably pass, that it had something to do with my bad vision, or something.”
“Yeah? It didn't go away? You can still see my face, Grandma’s, and Sieun’s, right?”
“I couldn’t see my parents' faces, and honestly, it was scary as hell. It’s not blank, I can kind of see them, but nothing registers. It’s like… I instantly forget the details. It was like that all day today. Why do I only know three faces now? Four, if you count that fuckass Beomseok, who haunts my dreams sometimes.”
Yeongyi shrugged. “I don’t know. Should we ask the doctors again?”
“What good would that do? I tried to explain it to them every day, and they said there was nothing wrong with my brain,” he sighed dramatically. “And I wasn’t able to pay attention in class at all. I actually tried this time!”
“Well, take things slow. It might actually get better, like the doctors said. If it doesn’t, just look at us so you don’t get dizzy.” She stood up, offering him a hand. “Let’s have dinner. Grandma is waiting for you.”
—
Sieun went home after dinner, and Suho felt lonely as soon as they said goodbye.
> Suho: you should just sleep here, sieunnie T-T
< Sieun: I need to study.
> Suho: study here! :D
< Sieun: As if you’d let me.
> Suho: you don’t even give me a chance to prove myself :,(
< Sieun: I can sleep there tomorrow.
> Suho: yay!!! ok, study well
> Suho: see you tomorrow ^^
Suho looked at their messages again before falling asleep.
—
That night he had the worst nightmare. He dreamed he was back in the hospital. Nurses surrounded him as he convulsed, the heart monitor beeping faster and faster. Every muscle in his body was tense, a sharp pain radiating through his head and chest.
Then, silence.
He heard the nurses' distant voices as his body slowly relaxed.
—
The next day, Sieun was there just as early. Suho woke up to his friend tapping his head gently. “You sleep like a rock,” Sieun whispered.
“Are you coming every morning?” he said with his eyes still closed. “What if I get used to it?”
“I’ll take responsibility,” Sieun said seriously.
Suho giggled. “What does that even mean?” He opened his eyes to look at Sieun. “Will you marry me so you can wake me up every day?”
Sieun rolled his eyes. “Why do you always jump straight to marriage?”
Suho grabbed Sieun, pulling him into a tight hug on the bed just like the day before. The smaller boy tried to shove him off, but without any real force. “I’d be so lucky to marry you, but I can only dream,” Suho giggled, pulling him closer. Sieun's hair smelled flowery and fresh, and Suho snuggled his nose on the top of his head inhaling deeply.
“Stop this. Let me go.” Suho heard his words, but his tone betrayed him.
Suho squeezed him before and letting him go, and Sieun helped him get up and go to the bathroom. He managed to take a shower and put his boxers on without as much difficulty this time.
“Yeongyi told me you still can’t see people’s faces. Is that why you looked so freaked out yesterday?” Sieun asked while fastening the velcro on Suho’s knee brace.
“Oh… So you noticed.”
“You can ask for help if you need it. I’m here,” Sieun said, looking down.
“Sorry… I didn’t expect it to feel like that, you know? I mean… going out. I was excited, but it was so damn tiring.” Suho sighed loudly.
Sieun looked up at him. “I’ll talk to our friends so they can give you more space.”
Suho ruffled the smaller boy's hair playfully. “It’s not their fault, don’t worry. I’ll get used to it.”
—
He expected today to feel at least a little better than yesterday, but it was just as tiring. He couldn’t recognize anyone, and none of the lectures got into his head.
Sieun had asked his friends to give them some space, so lunch was calmer. He looked only at Sieun so he wouldn't get a headache from trying to decipher everyone's faces and expressions.
Suho told Sieun they could hang out with everyone after class. He didn’t want to keep Sieun away from his friends; they were nice. Hyuntak suggested they go to the cat café since it was quieter and Suho would be able to sit and rest.
Sieun stayed beside Suho the whole time. They sat at a big table in the corner. Suho shivered from the cold air conditioning, and his best friend noticed, discreetly draping his own jacket over him. Suho thanked him silently, retributing with a gentle smile.
A fat cat crawled onto Sieun’s lap as soon as he sat down. Sieun petted it as if it were his own. “It likes you. Do you guys come here a lot?”
Hyuntak nodded. “Yes, Juntae’s aunt owns this place, so she gives us discounts,” he said, poking Juntae’s cheek. “Sieun fits right in, right? The cats think he’s a cat too.” Suho smiled fondly, looking at Sieun. He really did fit in, and he looked incredibly cute.
They chatted quietly this time, trying not to disturb anyone. Humin tried petting the cats, but none of them let him get close, while Juntae had three cats around him, begging for snacks with shiny, manipulative eyes.
Sieun placed a cat on Suho’s lap for him to pet, making him smile wide. Sieun looked so adorable today.
Their drinks arrived along with cakes and pie. Sieun shared a spoon full of his own cake, putting it on Suho's plate. As Suho turned to thank him, he noticed some milkshake foam on the corner of his mouth and cleaned it with his thumb. He felt their friends staring as he licked it without thinking. It tasted sweet. Sieun’s ears and neck turn red. So cute.
They went home together again. Grandma and Yeongyi were already waiting for them for dinner. They talked about their day at the cat café, and Yeongyi complained that they hadn’t invited her.
They all sat by the TV to watch a cheesy romance movie after Yeongyi made them popcorn, and Sieun grabbed some blankets. He sat with Sieun on one couch while Yeongyi cuddled with Grandma on the other. Grandma loved romantic movies.
By the time the credits started rolling, only he and Sieun were awake. They laughed at the sight of the two women sleeping with their mouths open and woke them up so they could go to their beds.
Sieun helped him up to his room and made a bed for himself on the floor below Suho's while he took his shower. Suho told him he could use some of his clothes to sleep more comfortably, since he didn’t bring any spares. It looked a size too big on Sieun, but the sight of his friend wearing his clothes made something in him weirdly satisfied.
They said their goodnights and went to sleep.
—
Suho had a nightmare again. It was very similar to the last one, but this time, he heard his grandma crying while the nurses told her to leave.
He woke up around 3 a.m., sweating and panting. The sudden movement woke Sieun, who was surprised to see Suho so scared. He sat beside him, wiping away the tears Suho hadn’t even noticed were rolling down his cheeks. “What happened?” Sieun asked carefully.
“I had the worst dream.” He grabbed Sieun’s hand, letting it linger on his cheek while he tried to take deep breaths to calm down.
Sieun caressed his face with his thumb. “It's okay. It was just a nightmare. You’re okay now,” he said softly, pulling his friend into a hug. Sieun tucked him in again, brushing away the hair stuck to his sweaty forehead.
Suho looked at him with pleading eyes. “Is it too much if I ask to hug you until I fall asleep again?”
Sieun hesitated for a second before agreeing and getting under the blanket with him on the small bed. Suho rested his head on Sieun’s chest, hugging him tight and focusing on his best friend’s heartbeat until he fell asleep again.
After that, Sieun slept at Suho’s house for a few days, worried he would have more nightmares. But it was quiet, and Suho told him he could go home. Sieun’s dad was already complaining that he was never there anymore.
Suho didn’t have to use his knee brace anymore. The doctor recommended he try walking without it to regain muscle strength. He was reluctant, seeing his left leg looked way skinnier than the right, but with a some practice he got used to walking normally again.
Sieun stopped coming to his house before class and started meeting him at school like normal.
His life was finally getting back on track, but he missed Sieun’s company on the bus.
—
On the weekend, Suho suggested they take a walk in the park. They both needed some exercise, and the weather was nice.
They walked slowly at first, chatting about the old ladies and the dogs they saw.
“Do you want to run? It's been months since we last ran together,” he remembered, nostalgic.
“I don’t think that would be good for your knee.”
“Just a little bit. If I feel anything, I’ll stop.” Sieun looked at him apprehensively. “I’ll stop. I promise. Hm?” he said, already starting to jog. “Come on.” Sieun ran after him. They only managed to run for about four minutes before they were both out of breath. “Yah! Sieun, I have the excuse of a bad knee. What's your excuse?” he laughed, seeing Sieun panting for breath.
“Ah, I really hate running. It’s so pointless.” Sieun complained.
They walked over to the grass and sat down under a tree. Sieun opened his bag, got out two sandwiches and a bottle of water, and handed them to Suho.
“So well-prepared, my Sieunnie.” He opened the bottle and gulped down half the water at once, sensing Sieun staring. “Oh, sorry.” He handed him the bottle and opened the sandwich.
They ate while watching the dogs run happily on the grass. A small Japanese terrier was chasing a big brown labrador. The terrier caught up to the labrador, which fell to the ground dramatically, as if the smaller dog had gravely wounded it. Sieun let out a small laugh. A warmth spread through Suho's stomach at the sound, and he laughed too.
They finished eating and walked around some more.
“Hey, do you want to have lunch at my house? Grandma misses you. If you have plans this afternoon, it’s fine,” Suho asked fondly.
“We could do that. I have the afternoon free…” Sieun smiled slightly.
“Nice. Let’s go.” He grabbed Sieun’s hand, and they walked to the bus stop.
Grandma greeted Sieun with a wide smile. “Look who it is! This kid never comes to visit us anymore.”
He smiled back at her. “Suho never invites me.” Suho felt both of their disapproving glares.
Suho opened his mouth in disbelief. “Since when do you need an invitation? You literally have a spare key!” he argued.
“You should invite him more!” his grandma scolded.
Suho laughed. “Not you turning my own grandma against me! Just come whenever you want. This is your house too,” he said, shoving Sieun playfully with his shoulder.
His grandma laughed, and he saw Sieun trying to hold back a smile.
The food was delicious, and they ate until they physically couldn’t. Suho and his grandma felt a sense of accomplishment seeing Sieun eat so well. She usually complained that he ate like a bird.
They went to Suho’s room so he could show Sieun the new CDs he got for his collection. “You said you only use earphones so people won’t talk to you,” Suho started, grabbing Sieun’s attention. “But I always thought you were lying. Be honest, you just wanted to avoid my attempt at getting to know you.”
Sieun scratched his head in shame. “I only turn it on sometimes. It helps me concentrate when there’s a lot of noise.”
“You should show me some of the music you like later. I’d love to hear it! These are the ones I like the most. These two have a sad vibe, but the lyrics are insane. These other ones are for when I’m feeling happy,” he said confidently, putting one of the CDs in the player. “My grandma bought this player for me because she was tired of me stealing her radio,” he said, making Sieun chuckle. They were sitting on the floor, their backs against his bed frame. Suho went through every CD he had, telling a story about each one.
Sieun listened attentively, then asked, “How do you have time for this? I mean… don’t you usually work and study all day?”
“Well, yes… but it was a hobby I started when I was younger, when my parents were here. I guess I had more free time then. But I can’t throw my babies away; some of these are hard to find! God forbid a guy has a hobby,” he rolled his eyes dramatically. “I’ll have more time now that my family won’t let me work. We could go to the record store together someday.”
“I’m going back to cram school next month. We can go before that.”
They played board games in the living room for the rest of the afternoon, with Yeongyi joining them when she arrived from work. Sieun was way more competitive than Suho expected. Even after memorizing every rule and possible strategy, he still lost, not accounting for Yeongyi’s unpredictability. He became visibly frustrated, arguing, “You only need luck! This has nothing to do with skill!” which made Suho and Yeongyi laugh out loud.
After dinner, Sieun went home before it got too late, promising Grandma he would try to visit more often.
—
The next day was a Sunday, and Sieun invited Suho to his house. The last time Suho had been there was before the incident, and he knew Sieun’s dad was rarely home. He rang the doorbell around 9 a.m., and Sieun opened it, looking extra adorable with puffy, just-woken-up eyes, messy hair, and slightly wrinkled pajamas.
“Hi, come in. Sorry, I woke up late today,” Sieun said. “You can wait here. I'll just take a shower.”
Suho nodded, put on the slippers Sieun gave him, left his shoes at the entrance, and sat on the couch, his eyes following Sieun as he went straight to the bathroom. He looked around and found the house was exactly as he remembered. There was a shelf full of Sieun’s trophies, medals, and certificates for various academic achievements, but the rest of the apartment was very gray in comparison to his own house. The large glass windows contributed to the cold temperature inside. There was a small framed picture of Sieun with his dad on another shelf. He got up to look at it closely. Sieun was maybe eight or nine years old, but his eyes looked just as intense. Suho wondered if Sieun had always been this serious and melancholic. He felt glad his best friend was now comfortable enough around him to show his playful, relaxed side.
Suho walked to the kitchen to see if there was anything he could make for lunch, but it was practically empty, except for some instant noodles, canned meat, and coffee. They would have to buy some groceries.
Sieun didn’t take long in the shower, interrupting Suho’s thoughts. His hair was damp, and thrown back, exposing his entire face, and he only wore a towel around his hips. Suho felt his stomach turn at the sight. Sieun’s waist looked like it was carved by the gods, and his stomach was incredibly cute and grabbable. He went to his room and closed the door, coming out a few minutes later in another pair of pajamas.
“What do you want to do?” Sieun asked, tilting his head.
Suho thought a little, “Hmm, we could play Mario Kart now, and around lunchtime, we could go to the supermarket to buy stuff for lunch?” Sieun agreed and turned on his Switch, sitting next to Suho. Suho giggled to himself, noticing how Sieun sat glued to him on such a spacious sofa.
Sieun was a very skilled player, as always. The best Suho could manage today was second place. He felt frustrated but also amused, seeing his best friend as focused on this silly game as he was when studying. Suho cursed at him at the end of every match, and Sieun let out a satisfied, mischievous laugh, getting revenge from yesterday’s losses.
They walked to the store later. Suho made did all the shopping since Sieun had no clue what or how to cook and just followed him around. Suho cooked them a banquet with lots of different veggies, meat, eggs, and rice.
He ate like a dog, while Sieun ate like a sloth, very slowly with small bites. Suho finished first and had to watch his friend eat for half an hour, doing most of the talking while Sieun made noises of agreement from time to time.
“We should watch Adventure Time together. I’ve never watched the whole thing.” Suho said, washing the dishes.
Sieun had no idea what it was but agreed anyway. “Hm. What's it about?”
“Well… It’s about a lot of things... Boy, dog, magic, princess, penguin.” he thought. “The animation style is very colorful and derpy, I think you’ll like it.”
“Sounds interesting. I’ll see if I can find it.” Sieun went to grab his laptop.
After browsing for a while, he found it and connected the laptop to the TV.
They binge-watched the first season entirely, which took almost five hours. Suho commented on everything that came to his mind, Sieun questioned the lore, trying to understand the weird plot details of each episode, while they munched on the snacks they bought earlier. It was past 8 p.m. when they finished, and only then they noticed how dark the sky had become.
“That was so much fun, Sieunnie. We should do this more often,” Suho gave him an excited smile, that faded seeing Sieun's distressed expression as he got up, taking away the warmth from beside him, while the ending song still played. “What? Did you not like it? We can watch something else next time; it’s no problem.”
Sieun looked away, and Suho sat down next to him again. “That's not it. I was just thinking.” Suho rested his hand on top of his, and waited for him to continue. Sieun relaxes with the touch and laughs embarrassed. “I don’t know how to say it.”
“Did something happen?”
“No, I… I just feel sad when you leave. It's lonely being here by myself.” Sieun's voice was soft, almost like he didn't want to be heard. He stared at their intertwined hands, making his bangs cover his eyes.
Suho gently lifted his chin. “We’ll see each other tomorrow. I would sleep here if I had brought my uniform,” he answered, his thumb caressing Sieun’s cheek.
“I know... I just feel selfish.” Sieun played with Suho's hand, his fingers tracing a delicate path over his skin. “I can only feel calm when I’m with you.”
Suho thought for a second, sensing an unfamiliar feeling growing in his bones. “Honestly, I feel the same way. I get kind of anxious without you.” Sieun listened quietly, his eyes glistening with the reflection of the TV lights, his lips set in a barely noticeable pout, which sparked strange thoughts in Suho's mind.
“Can’t you stay a bit longer?” Sieun was almost begging. Suho couldn’t have said no even if he wanted to.
“I guess I can take the last bus at ten,” Suho smiled, pulling Sieun into a hug. The smaller boy hugged him back, and they fell backwards onto the sofa with Suho on top of him. Suho could still smell the conditioner in Sieun’s hair. He nuzzled his friend’s neck, trying to get more of the fresh scent, which made Sieun flinch from the ticklish sensation.
They stayed like that for a minute until Sieun broke the silence. “Actually, what I wanted to tell you…” he whispered. Suho propped himself up to look at him, his arms on either side of Sieun’s head. His body completely engulfed his friend’s. Sieun felt shy having those attentive eyes so close to his face, but he put on a brave expression, breathing deeply before continuing. “I like you… a lot.”
Suho was taken aback, and he recoiled to look at his friend properly, not believing his ears. He could feel it, sure, but he never expected Sieun to say it so bluntly. “Oh… I—” He bit his lower lip, trying to find the right words. The line had already been crossed, but Suho wasn't prepared and had no idea what his next step should be.
Sieun let out a long, nervous breath. “I don’t expect you to feel the same way. I just thought I should tell you.” He didn’t look away this time.
“Sieun-ah, I… I like you too. I mean, I think it was pretty obvious. How could I not love you?” He saw Sieun’s neck flush red and Suho sat up properly, trying to make the moment less awkward. Sieun did the same, his eyes never leaving Suho’s. Suho felt he had lost all control over the connection between his mind and his mouth. “Actually, I think I had a crush on you since way before we met." He laughed. "And I was so worried when I saw you destroying that guy’s face. I thought you’d get expelled and wouldn’t be able to study anymore. I couldn’t let that happen. I mean… studying was so important to you. I wanted to protect that, at least. And when you were swinging that chair, trying to hit me… Oh, wow… You almost killed me that day! I thought you hated m—”
Sieun grabbed his head and gave him a quick peck, interrupting his unending babble. Suho’s eyes widened, his features a mix of shock and excitement. Sieun scanned his face for some sort of reaction but he didn’t move a muscle, just stared at Sieun, his mind blank. Sieun leaned in and kissed him softly again, this time for a few seconds longer. Suho relaxed into it, closing his eyes to memorize the sensation. When they separated, he saw Sieun pressing his lips into a thin, shy line. Suho chuckled, not believing how adorable the smaller boy could be.
He was the one to close the gap this time, grabbing Sieun’s neck gently and tilting his head to feel his lips again. So damn soft. Their kiss was delicate and deep. He could taste the sweet strawberry flavour from the candy they shared earlier. Sieun melted in his hands, giving in completely, his once-chapped lips were now glossy and rosy because of him, and he just wanted to be Sieun’s lip balm forever.
When they parted, Suho hugged him, and they lay down again. “I thought you’d reject me,” Sieun said, staring at the ceiling as Suho left small kisses on his jawline.
Suho gave him a peck on the cheek. “Why? I thought I was so obvious.”
“I don’t know. I thought maybe that was just the way you are.”
Suho laughed as they adjusted their position on the sofa to face each other. Sieun looked so happy that Suho wanted to kiss him all over. “Have you ever seen me treat our friends the way I treat you?” He brushed Sieun’s bangs aside to get a better view of the stars in his eyes. “After we met, I wanted to give you all of my time. I even dragged you to work so we could spend every moment together.”
“I thought you just wanted me to work for you,” Sieun laughed.
Suho cupped his round cheeks. “That was just an excuse.” He leaned in to kiss his forehead, eyes, cheeks, ear, and nose. “Well, now I really don’t want to leave.” He kissed his lips again.
“You could use my spare uniform,” Sieun shrugged.
“And it would definitely fit me, huh?” They laughed. Suho pulled Sieun to his chest, delicately brushing his silky hair. “Tell me again,” he smirked, “That you want me to stay.”
Sieun warmed up under him, “Hm… I’ll go to your house tomorrow. Do you want to eat dinner before you leave?”
—
The next few months passed incredibly fast, like no amount of time was enough for them. They went to each other’s houses every day, finished watching Adventure Time, and started other series together, creating their own rituals and traditions.
They never said anything to their friends about their relationship, but they surely noticed. Suho and Sieun didn't care about outside interference; it felt like they had their own private world.
Suho could ride his motorcycle again, and he took Sieun everywhere, sometimes driving without destination, just to feel the breeze together. Of course, Sieun refused to ride with him until he got another helmet, and he got a blue one to match the red.
It was going more than well. Suho thought maybe everything had happened so they could be like this: studying, going out, and having friends like normal teenagers. At their last school, every day had felt like a fight for survival, and they were always hurt, tired, or both.
Suho still felt that sharp ringing in his ears from time to time, and when he got a headache, he knew he would have another one of those nightmares. He stopped mentioning it to Sieun and Yeongyi, as it had already become a part of his routine.
He didn't want to worry them, but it started to get worse and harder to hide. Two years after getting out of that hospital room, he still dreamed about it as vividly as if a part of him were stuck there. Sieun noticed he looked more and more tired every day. Sieun frequently had to calm him down from the nightmares, hugging him and resting Suho’s head on his chest, brushing his hair with his fingers until he could fall asleep again. Suho never went into detail about the nightmares, and Sieun never pressured him, seeing it was a difficult topic.
Until one day, he had nowhere left to hide. He had spent a whole week without sleeping properly and was so exhausted he felt he could pass out at any moment. Everyone noticed and asked about it. He just answered that he hadn't slept well so they would leave him be.
At school, during the first class, he rested his head on the desk. As soon as he closed his eyes, he was there again. The hospital lights burning through his closed eyelids, the loud beeping of the heart monitor, nurses saying things he didn’t understand. He couldn’t see anything, but he felt it all. Every muscle in his body tensed, trembling. Then it all slowly faded, like the rain after a storm. He felt physically exhausted, as if he had been swimming in the ocean for hours. Time seemed to have no meaning here. It was slow, then fast, like someone was playing with him.
He heard someone enter the room. Slow steps. It was his grandma, crying. That part repeated itself often in these dreams. Then, maybe a second or a few days passed—he couldn’t tell—and he heard steps again. Different this time. He heard Sieun speaking, but he was only able to understand some words, as if he were trapped inside an aquarium. He tried to open his eyes, but his body wouldn’t obey.
“Suho-yah,” he heard Sieun crying. “I’m sorry I’m late… I had forgotten everything you taught me… What you did for me, I’ll try to do for others.”
—
Suho woke up in the school infirmary, tears rolling down his face uncontrollably. A deep sadness took over his body. He was shaking, his bones ached, and he was so cold it felt as if his blood had turned to ice. Sieun grabbed him and squeezed him into a hug, trying to help.
As he calmed down, his vision cleared, and the tears eventually stopped. He saw Sieun’s worried face, a million questions written on it, but he was seemingly too afraid or shocked to say a word. Suho hugged him desperately.
“Dude, are you alright?” He heard Humin’s voice and only then noticed three people standing there, their wide eyes fixed on him with worried expressions. Hyuntak elbowed Humin, telling him to shut up.
“You had a seizure,” Sieun said with a shaky voice. “You were gone for an hour.”
Suho’s mind was racing, but none of his thoughts were fully processed. He was still shaking.
“It felt so real this time,” he muttered. Things started to make so much sense.
“What felt real?” Sieun asked, cupping his cheek to guide his face to meet his eyes.
“My dream.” He could still feel everything. He looked at Sieun’s eyes attentively. His eyes are so pretty, he thought, so deep, even though they were red from crying. He missed them even when he was looking right at them. He looked down at his hand and squeezed it, trying to make sure he was actually there. “It felt as real as this.” He turned to see their friends, unrecognizable like a puzzle with missing pieces, and then it hit him like a boulder. “I think…” Should I really say this? They were all staring at him, waiting.
“I think I’m still in a coma.”
As soon as he said it, everything went black. He found himself in a dark void. No bed, no school, no one. No Sieun. A strong feeling of desperation washed over him, his heart pounding in his throat. He screamed, trying to call for someone.
Anyone.
But nothing happened. He tried closing his eyes, taking a deep breath, and opening them again, hoping Sieun would appear in front of him just as he had disappeared.
Nothing.
He tried everything he could think of, until he started to get angry. He pinched his skin, scratched it with his nails, pulled his hair, and slapped his own face multiple times trying to feel anything. But nothing. He couldn’t even feel pain. Not physical pain. He screamed as loud as he could, cursing everything—God, the world, destiny, Beomseok, Wooyoung, his parents, himself.
Then he just sat on the floor of nothingness and thought about everything that had happened, replaying the last two years over and over until it started to make a bitter sort of sense. He could only see the faces of people he knew before the coma. His frequent headaches, always in the exact spot where Beomseok had kicked him until he passed out. He could only feel the pain his actual broken body felt.
Maybe Sieun’s eyes looked more detailed than anything else in the world because they were the thing he loved staring at the most.
He remembered their first kiss on Sieun’s couch, how cute he looked with his pinkish nose and glossy strawberry lips, and how his heart was racing like crazy at that moment. Their weekend dates, tangled legs, intertwined fingers. The time they went to the movies with their friends and Sieun kissed him in the dark without anyone noticing. When he scolded Sieun for getting sick so often, Sieun insisted on going to class with a fever, and Suho held him back and missed class to take care of him. When he told Sieun they should get married in Taiwan, Sieun pretended to hate the idea but smiled when he thought Suho wasn't looking.
But he was always looking. Sieun was his best friend, his boyfriend, his partner, his soulmate. Nothing made sense without him.
But none of it was real.
Not their story? Not their love?
The real Sieun was living out there, for who knows how long. The only real memories they had were the painful ones of trying to survive in a fucked-up world. The last time he had actually seen him was at Sieun’s doorstep, when they were both trying to hold back tears, and Suho had almost begged Sieun to let him in so he could forget the deep-rooted anger and disgust he felt toward the shitheads that broke his best friend’s arm. So he could take care of him, cook for him, just like he had for two years with his boyfriend, Yeon Sieun.
He cried silently, knowing no one would hear him.
Until he opened his eyes. The darkness replaced by a strong light, blinding him completely, entering his eyes like lasers piercing his nerves.
His guesses were all true. He was still in that hospital bed, alone. Nurses and doctors rushed in, and he was able to see their faces at last. “He’s really awake!” one of them exclaimed excitedly. “Call his grandma! Hurry!” A woman stood over him, shining a flashlight in his eyes and making him squint. “Wow, I can’t believe it!” she said, smiling. He could barely move his eyes, let alone anything else.
His breath was as weak as his body, and the grief he'd felt while sleeping only grew now that his fears were confirmed. He had lost a lot more than time.
Waking up felt pointless. He just wanted it all back, even if it meant being in a coma forever.
As these thoughts swirled in his head, he could feel tears rolling down the sides of his face, heart jumping out of his chest. His vision darkened with pure panic, and he felt like he couldn’t breath. He wanted to go back so badly, but how selfish would that be? His real grandma and friends were probably waiting for him here. Weren’t they?
He tried moving, to no avail.
After a while, his grandmother came in as fast as her legs could carry her. She held his hand and cupped his face, talking to him.
He was incredibly relieved to see she was okay, but also extremely sorry for how lonely she must have been. It had always been just the two of them. Was Yeongyi still living with her? He wanted to ask, but his vocal chords were dormant, and his voice came out as a mumble, as if his mind were disconnected from his mouth. He gathered all his strength to squeeze her hand.
They ran some tests, gave him medicine, and asked him questions to which he couldn't physically respond. His grandma massaged his arms and legs and cleaned him up, talking the whole time. She told him he’d been in a coma for a year and nine months; about her restaurant, which she’d closed to see him every day; about the kind doctors and nurses and the not-so-kind ones too; about his friends, Yeongyi who left, and Sieun who stayed. She didn’t always see him, but his name was always on the visitors’ list. She said Suho had found an amazing friend. Sieun would be so happy at the news of his awakening, and she’d finally see him smile properly, since he was always so serious.
Suho remembered the dreams within his dream, Sieun begging him to wake up. He sounded so sad. He wondered what had happened to make him sound so desperate. He also remembered how his dream-Sieun had reacted when he woke up—covered in blood, tired, and apologizing for things he didn’t do.
How could he make up an entire life in his head? How did it feel so real?
After a few hours, he could feel his strength returning. He could move his hand and neck with a lot of concentration, but his movements were sluggish. The nurses helped him into a wheelchair so his grandma could take him for a walk, since he had been lying down for so long.
She showed him around the hospital, greeting everyone and proudly showing off her grandson. Everyone knew her and their story and congratulated them on this amazing victory. His grandma said the doctors had told her it was extremely unlikely for a coma patient to wake up after a month, but she had trusted him. She knew how strong he was.
Even after drinking some warm thickened water, his throat still felt raw, but his voice came back, though it hurt to speak.
“Grandma,” he said. She barely heard him and leaned down to understand him better. “Can we go outside?”
“Of course, love. We’ll go right now.” She squeezed his shoulder reassuringly. “I think Sieun’s already done with his classes. I’ll call him, and we'll go.”
Suho unexpectedly grew very nervous knowing he would see the real Sieun soon. How was he supposed to act? Suho wasn't sure he even wanted so see Sieun like this. Of course he wanted to see his friend, but he dreaded the final confirmation that he lost his love. He remembered the Sieun he knew before all this, but his real memories were tangled with his dreams. How could he pretend the love he felt was no more than a friend’s? The real Sieun had no idea about the life he had lived in his head, and the thought of never getting that Sieun back was killing him.
He heard his grandma on the phone. The call was a few seconds long, and they went to the hospital courtyard right after.
Suho felt the breeze and the sun tingling his skin. It was much warmer than his hospital room. He took a deep breath, the fresh air filling his lungs. Grandma sat on a bench with his wheelchair beside it. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m not sure…” He let out a dry cough. “I need to get used to things.”
“Take it slow. We’ll help you adjust. When the doctors allow it, I’ll bring you all the dishes you love. Would you like that?” she said, fixing his hair.
He smiled faintly. “I’d love that... Can’t wait.”
They sat quietly for a while, watching other patients and their families walk by. His grandma got up to go to the bathroom quickly, leaving him to enjoy the nice weather. He didn't have the strength to move the chair with his arms yet, so he just sat in place, alone with his unending thoughts.
He turned his head slowly, only to find a familiar figure standing about ten meters away.
Sieun.
They stared at each other, both frozen in time, as if they were the only two people in the world. Suho thought about the boyfriend from his dream, who was always so close, Suho could never get enough of him, who petted, kissed, and hugged him as if trying to fuse their bodies together.
This Sieun in front of him, on the other hand, seemed scared to even step within his line of sight, and Suho felt his heart breaking. “Have you been well?” he mustered the courage to say. Did you live well without me? Even at this distance, he could see Sieun’s eyes glistening with unshed tears and hear his trembling breath.
Sieun hummed, barely audible. Suho remembered how this Sieun was, always containing his words, scared people would see right through him. Suho finally noticed the three people behind him.
“Who are those guys?” he asked, his tone a bit bitter.
“My friends,” Sieun answered heavily.
Suho felt genuine relief that Sieun wasn't alone, but the confirmation that Sieun built a life that he wasn't a part of felt like a knife slicing him in the middle. Suho thought about the friends they had in his dream. Maybe he had heard Sieun talking about them while he was sleeping, and somehow his brain had included them in that world. That would mean Sieun had talked to him a lot.
He smiled faintly at the idea.
“That’s good to see.” This time, he saw Sieun smiling, shy tears coming down his pretty eyes quietly.