Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

New Chat

[September 14, 11:02 P.M]

freaky genius boy created a new chat with Dad, vodka aunt, and 6 others

freaky genius boy: AYEEE WHATS UP FAM 🤪

skatergirl: sybau 

skatergirl: i have a gun

freaky genius boy: wowww 

freaky genius boy: nobody’s gonna drfend me?!😨😨

el enchanted: no we will not.

el enchanted: die.

freaky genius boy: damn what happened to el?? 

Dad: it’s 11 pm that’s what happened you little shit

el enchanted: i'm tired :(

Dad: do you ever sleep dustin???

freaky genius boy: no

skatergirl: wtf is the chat name

freaky genius boy: it’s like the party, but bigger, so it’s the banquet :-)

skatergirl: that is horrific

freaky genius boy: :-)

skatergirl: fuck you

[September 14, 11:23 P.M]

gigachad: What the hell is this

freaky genius boy: i made a group chat!!

skatergirl: oh my god everyone shut up

emo: i swear to all that is good and holy that if you motherfuckers wake up will i will commit vehicular manslaughter

bob ross: too late :(

emo: hey dustin! go stand in the road! :))

vodka aunt: why am i in a group chat with all of the children???

Dad: it just happens :(

freaky genius boy: mike i have DBD and i thought u were serious and i went outside and stood in the road

freaky genius boy: u made me look like an idiot

emo: loser

skatergirl: what the fuck is dbd

freaky genius boy: dumb bitch disease

skatergirl: oh lmao you do have that

freaky genius boy: *sighs dramatically*

skatergirl: do NOT roleplay in chat

vodka aunt: i digress

vodka aunt: why am i here

freaky genius boy: because you’re our friend and we want you here.

vodka aunt: fine then i’m adding MY friends

freaky genius boy: what 😨

emo: robb=in no please

vodka aunt has added Vickie, Jonathan, and 2 others to the chat

Argyle: hey bruchachos

emo: stand in the road i have a car

vodka aunt: listen if i have to deal with you i can at least make jonathan and nancy and argyle and Vickie do it too

skatergirl: omfg

[September 15, 6:00 A.M.]

Vickie: Robin, what is this?

[September 15, 6:30 A.M.]

el enchanted: VICKIE!! this is el! :)

Vickie: Oh, hi El!! Is this your friends?

el enchanted: yes! :)))

Vickie: Oh! Well it’s great to talk with you all!

bob ross: wait el i didn’t realize you were close with Vickie

el enchanted: mike broke up with me at the same time as she broke up with her boyfriend

el enchanted: we bonded :)  

Dad: my heart is growing three sizes 

emo: i’m glad i could unintentionally cause a beautiful friendship 

el enchanted: you did nothing dont take responsibility 

emo: oh ok 

el enchanted: omg!! im sorry!! it was meant to be a joke!! i forgot to add on the j!

emo: oh lol! you’re all good, dw 

skatergirl: never say “lol!” again 

vodka aunt: lol!

freaky genius boy: lol! 

emo: lol!

Dad: lol! 

skatergirl: i hate all of you 

gigachad: Guys, GET READY FOR SCHOOL.

skatergirl: smh fine

[September 14, 8:11 A.M.]

Nancy: Um what’s going on? 

Jonathan: yeah what is this

freaky genius boy: i made a group chat and robin added you

freaky genius boy: also i’m changing your names they

freaky genius boy: aren’t fitting the aesthetic

emo: wtf do you know about aesthetic ):<

freaky genius boy changed Nancy’s name to gunslinger

freaky genius boy changed Vickie’s name to wine aunt

freaky genius boy changed Jonathan’s name to smoking a bong on wednesdays

freaky genius boy changed Argyle’s name to weed man

smokes a bong on wednesdays: what the fuck

smokes a bong on wednesdays changed their name to Jonathan

gigachad: Mike why did you do it backwards?? 

emo: do what backwards 

gigachad: the frown 

emo: you mean like this? ))))):< 

gigachad: i hate that 

bob ross: that is unnatural and disgusting /srs 

el enchanted: guys we are at school. please pay attention :)

emo: anything for you ellie ily <33

skatergirl: that was very straight of you mike

emo: i’m gay ? 

vodka aunt: max, theres this thing called being queerplatonic, glad i could help <3 

emo: el has a special spot in my artery 

freaky genius boy: wait i thought will was the one in your artery 

emo: no they are two entirely different artery spots??

emo: NOT the same situation at all

emo: will is my favorite in a different way

emo: will you're still my best friend i promise /gen 

bob ross: mike I know!! i understand :)

emo: okay good lol 

skatergirl: STOP SAYING LOL 

emo: love you both <333 

bob ross: lyt!! 

el enchanted: love youuu 

gigachad: i feel left out

the barbers

[September 15, 8:20 A.M.]

bob ross: aaaAAHHGHHGHH

bob ross: IM SO GAYYY

bob ross: WHY IS MIKE SO ADORABLE

freaky genius boy: hottest take of the century tbh ^

bob ross: dustin you’re supposed to be supportive of my unrequited crush :(

freaky genius boy: tf do you want me to say? 💀💀 hes hot as fuck??

gigachad: LMAOO 

bob ross: actually nvm "hot take" is fine

mike wheeler hate club

[September 15, 8:20 A.M.]

skatergirl: mike that was actually so gay of you

skatergirl: WILL IS MY FRIEND in a DIFFERENT WAY!!

gigachad: sorry but "/gen" is crazy man

emo: guys stop i panicked 💀

emo: do you think he knows 

gigachad: god i wish he did /srs

el enchanted: me too :( its sad seeing you sad

emo: aw thanks el ❤️‍🩹 youre such an amazing human being and the only valid person in this chat and you deserve the world

skatergirl: r/niceguys

emo: oml

The Banquet

[September 15, 8:24 A.M.]

Dad: guys put your phones down ur in class

freaky genius boy: ok Dad!!

Dad: i will smother you in your sleep the next time you call me "Dad" you little shithead

bob ross: omg he sounds JUST like my Dad! /j

skatergirl: LMAOOOOO

Jonathan: accurate

vodka aunt: no trauma dumping in chat :(

bob ross: ok sorry mom <333

vodka aunt: fuck you

Chapter Text

The Banquet

[September 20, 3:01 P.M.]

vodka aunt: hi i’m taking a poll

vodka aunt: everyone drop your favorite chapel songs in chat

emo: amazing grace ❤️

vodka aunt: no????

emo: you asked for a chapel song and i gave you a chapel song

vodka aunt: you know what i mean gaho

emo: I DONT THOUGH???

vodka aunt: chappell roan!!! duhh!!

skatergirl: what the fuck does gaho mean

emo: ohhh

emo: its “picture you”

bob ross: i dont know any tbh

vodka aunt: lesbophobe

bob ross: I DONT LISTEN TO POP MUSIC 

el enchanted: he lies.

el enchanted: i heard him scream singing casual yesterday 

Jonathan: Will is disowned btw. 

bob ross: 😨😔

gigachad: I like Super Graphic Ultra Modern Girl

gigachad: and Max likes My Kink is Karma

skatergirl: true

wine aunt: I like Naked in Manhattan :)

vodka aunt: aah i love that one babe <3

freaky genius boy: simp 🙄

vodka aunt: we are literally dating?

wine aunt: Yeah I’d prefer if she WAS a simp tbh 

freaky genius boy: i hate gay people

vodka aunt: we know

el enchanted: my favorite is california! :)

gunslinger: Femininomenon.

Jonathan: guys

Jonathan: stfu for once

Jonathan: you all have shitty music taste. and i am. tIred

freaky genius boy: HOMOPHOBIA IN CHAT 😐😐

gigachad: you literally just said you hate gay people

freaky genius boy: shhhh

bob ross: jon don’t be homophobic

Jonathan: i’m literally queer and nonbinary

emo: i know from experience that you can be gay and homophobic

skatergirl: wow mike i cant believe you reclaimed my slander :(

Dad: admit it, jonathan

Dad: admit that you're homophobic

Jonathan: you literally called me a slur once???

Jonathan: offensively???

Dad: right right

Jonathan: mhm

Jonathan: well SORRY that i don’t like pop music.

Jonathan: NOT. you guys ARE LOSERS.

bob ross: JONATHAN !!!! 😭

gigachad: WOAHH HOLD UP

freaky genius boy: hitting the woahh ✊/🤛

skatergirl: leave it in 2019 dickwad

vodka aunt: NANCY COME GET YOUR PARTNER THEY’RE DISRESPECTING OUR QUEEN

gunslinger: I do not claim them

gunslinger: And I'm ready to throw hands with the next Chappell hater.

Jonathan: nance wtf 

weed man: my fabotite chaopoel roan song is pung pony clib ,,,

vodka aunt: thank you for your contribution argyle

weed man: yea,,h of course man

[September 20, 4:15 P.M.]

skatergirl: hey so can we talk about how mike and will choose the two most gay yearning coded songs on chappell’s entire discography

emo: liar

emo: defamation

vodka aunt: no wait she’s right

vodka aunt: “do you picture me like i picture you?”

vodka aunt: “am i in the frame from your point of view?”

vodka aunt: “do you feel the same?”

vodka aunt: “im too scared to say half of the things i do"

vodka aunt: “when i picture you”

vodka aunt: and casual is…. yk.

emo: sybau /srs

skatergirl: is there any particular reason you like those lyrics, michael?

emo: SHUT UP.

(Private Chat) Max + Mike

[September 20, 4:20 P.M.]

Mike: stop talking now

Max: smh 

Max: fine

The Banquet

[September 20, 4:21 P.M.]

emo: maxine you are my number one opp

skatergirl: no you <3

emo: huh?

Dad: they have such a unique bond

vodka aunt: gasp

vodka aunt: wait

vodka aunt: something occurred to me 

vodka aunt renamed emo to twink

vodka aunt renamed skatergirl to redhead 

twink: wtf?

vodka aunt: name a more iconic duo…

vodka aunt: than a twinkkkk

vodka aunt: and a redheadddd

redhead: i cant believe you robin 💔 

vodka aunt: actually steve thought of it first, i received it second.

gigachad: wha t

wine aunt: they are telepathically linked

freaky genius boy: i dont get how you dont get jealous Vickie

wine aunt: …??? rob is a lesbian??!

freaky genius boy: true

el enchanted: what is a twink?

vodka aunt: jonathan explain to your sister

Jonathan: mike.

twink: what?

Jonathan: no youre the example

vodka aunt: idk i think mike and will are equally twinky

freaky genius boy: true but

freaky genius boy: will canonically knows how to shoot and can operate a circular saw

redhead: DONT SAY CANONICALLY

freaky genius boy: and thats not even me bullying mike that’s just the truth

Dad: mike? your argument?

twink: i dont have one.

Dad: fair

bob ross: to answer your question, el, a twink is usually used to describe a skinny gay man, sometimes more feminine but it doesn’t really matter. it’s a descriptor but some people use it as an insult

el enchanted: so… like mike?

twink: what?

el enchanted: no im saying you are a twink

twink: oh yeahh, i suppose i fit the description

redhead: suppose

freaky genius boy: suppose

vodka aunt: that was the most gayest response ever

twink: robin get your lesbian carabiner wearing ass out of this chat

vodka aunt: ok skinny gay man <3

twink: *sighs*

redhead: i repeat do Not. roleplay in chat

vodka aunt: guys should we roleplay

bob ross: absolutely

el enchanted: but max said no :( 

twink: ellie you are too pure for this dark and poisoned world

twink: you deserve the sun but we can only give you darkness 

el enchanted: what..?

redhead: go girl give us nothing </3

bob ross: that was so poetic mike

bob ross: dps core <3

gigachad: smh

the barbers

[September 20, 3:29 P.M.]

gigachad: you are glazing him

bob ross: yes. and?

freaky genius boy: assfkjdsn

The Banquet

[September 20, 3:29 P.M.]

twink: OML I LOVE THAT MOVIE

bob ross: i know!!!

el enchanted: what is dps?

twink: DEAD POETS SOCIETY

twink: WAIT HAVE YOU NOT SEEN IT???

el enchanted: no i have not..

bob ross: we should watch it all together! :)) 

twink: YES

vodka aunt: mike please stop screaming my eyes don’t like capitals /nm 

twink: oh sorry robbin

twink: wait do you guys want to watch it now? /gen

bob ross: yeah i’d love to!

twink: ok!! I’m on my way!

(Private Chat) Mike and Karen

[September 20, 3:32 P.M.]

Mike: mom i’m going to the byers house

Karen: Okay baby! Text me when you get there ❤️

Mike: ❤️

The Banquet

[September 20, 4:45 P.M.]

freaky genius boy: every time someone calls a hotdog a sandwich an angel dies

gigachad: What tf

freaky genius boy: its a taco

twink: dustin what inspired this

freaky genius boy: i saw a tiktok

freaky genius boy: and they called a hotdog a sandwich 

freaky genius boy: also i crashed my bike into the garage door and im feeling loopy

vodka aunt: dustin what the hell

freaky genius boy: tbf i didnt take my meds

twink: lmao real

Dad: DUSTIN HENDERSON

freaky genius boy: steve did i just summon you ??

Dad: YOU GUYS HAVE TO HYDRATE AND TAKE YOUR MEDICATIONS

twink: L

freaky genius boy: ur not my real dad

twink: my dad thinks mental illness isn’t real

freaky genius boy: my dad is dead

bob ross: my dad is a bitch

redhead: my dad is gay 

vodka aunt: wait what ??

freaky genius boy: so… steve gets summoned by poor self care, and robbin gets summoned by any mentions of gay people…

freaky genius boy: interesting

vodka aunt: asdkdkdk

[September 20, 5:04 P.M.]

vodka aunt: max it’s been like 20 minutes please explain your gay dad

redhead: oh 

redhead: yeah my dad is gay and just married my mom to hide it

redhead: but then he found a boyfriend and left us

vodka aunt: damn

freaky genius boy: thats lowkey mike-core tbh

twink: i dont have a boyfriend ?

freaky genius boy: yet

vodka aunt: yet

redhead: yet

Jonathan: yet

gunslinger: Yet

(Private Chat) Mike + Dustin

[September 20, 5:06 P.M.]

twink: dustin what do you mean by “yet”

freaky genius boy: nothing nothing trust 🙏

twink: asfghdsfnjs

The Banquet

[September 20, 5:07 P.M.]

freaky genius boy: anyway apparently jonathan and nancy are summoned by mike being gay 

twink: wHat ?

el enchanted: guys we are watching a movie and you're distracting mike

bob ross: yeah :<

freaky genius boy: hey so i need proof 🥰

el enchanted: [image]

el enchanted: we are sharing a blanket but it is small

gigachad: MY HEART

gigachad: I CANT TAKE IT

redheads: my three faves cuddling <33

twink: im one of ur faves???

redheads: no you’re delusional

vodka aunt: awww adorable :)) 

vodka aunt: queerplatonic elmike ftw

Dad: have fun you guys 

el enchanted: jon and nancy are also cuddling

el enchanted: [image] 

freaky genius boy: i see mike is in the middle of you three?

twink: great observation skills dustin

freaky genius boy: its just ,,, 

freaky genius boy: shouldnt el be in the middle instead? cuz you and will are friends? and neither of you are attracted to girls so el being in the middle wouldnt be weird

twink: ?? dude wdym? friends cuddle

bob ross: yeah friends cuddle 

the barbers

[September 20, 5:18 P.M.]

bob ross: dustin shut. The fuck up

freaky genius boy: damn ok

The Banquet

[September 20, 5:18 P.M.]

bob ross: also el is my sister?? so even if i wasnt gay it wouldnt be weird 😭

twink: yeah exactly

twink: my bad that i just like being cuddled asjsjs

freaky genius boy: sigh nevermind

vodka aunt: can we please go back to dustin running into the garage door on his bike 

freaky genius boy: what about it

vodka aunt: uhm…. maybe how?

freaky genius boy: i was riding my bike out of the garage and i thought i could make it before the garage door went all the way up but i couldnt and i hit my head 😞😞

el enchanted: omg! are you okay :((

freaky genius boy: yes i am dw! thanks for checking :)

twink: guys shut. up.

freaky genius boy: mute. notifs.

twink has left the chat 

freaky genius boy: or that works too

el enchanted: dustin...

freaky genius boy: ok fine bye 

Chapter Text

The Banquet

[September 24, 11:37 P.M.]

gigachad: Guys has anyone seen Mike, Will, Max, or El??

gigachad: they aren't at lunch and Mike wasn't in English

gigachad: he never misses English 

freaky genius boy: yeah max wasn't in spanish either

vodka aunt: guys it's probably fine, will keeps them in check

freaky genius boy: true

[September 24, 3:00 P.M.]

bob ross: hey guys

freaky genius boy: WILL 

gigachad: WILLL

gigachad: where were you?? 

bob ross: we all got suspended

Dad: WHAT 

Dad: SUSPENDED ????

skatergirl: yeah but just for 3 days

gigachad: Why??

el enchanted: i broke someones nose :)

Jonathan: ELEVEN

skatergirl: he was being a asshole

el enchanted: :( he was mean to mike 

freaky genius boy: wait wait wait

freaky genius boy: back up

vodka aunt: story time please

bob ross: um idk if mike wants us to talk about it

gigachad: oh shit it must be bad…

bob ross: mike?

[September 24, 3:16 P.M.]

twink: oh its fine you guys can tell the story

twink: i have to go though, my mom wants me to do dishes

(Private Chat) Nancy + Will

[September 24, 3:04 P.M.]

Will: is that true??

Nancy: No, but they don't really seem upset, I think they just don't want to talk

Will: okay :(

The Banquet

[September 24, 3:05 P.M.]

vodka aunt: please spill im desperate for tea

bob ross: ok

bob ross: but max will have to do most of it because i showed up late

skatergirl: ive got it

skatergirl: basically mike was walking out of the locker room after gym and there were a few football guys there. and because they're massive fucking assholes they started being assholes to mike about being in the boys locker room

skatergirl: and calling them gay slurs and stuff

skatergirl: and anyway mike was being snarky back because… you know… and if i remember correctly they said something like "i think you're just projecting"

skatergirl: and then the football dudes got mad and shoved them into the lockers and started hitting them anf stuff

skatergirl: but then i saw them as i was walking down the hallway and i tried to stand up for mike but the dudes weren't listening to me and because i'm 5'3 i couldn't do much, i was going to hit one of them with my skateboard but he grabbed it from me and threw it

skatergirl: but then will and el were walking and they saw and they came over to help but josh called el the r slur and then they called will a fairy and asked if he was mike's boyfriend

skatergirl: so will punched josh in the gut because he's fucking ripped and a badass and at the same time el broke andy's nose and then it ended when el slammed the locker doors open into their faces

skatergirl: and then a teacher showed up to stop it

skatergirl: the end.

wine aunt: Oh my God

wine aunt: Guys I'm so sorry

gigachad: That's fucking horrible

bob ross: thanks max but my contribution was not that impressive 

twink: Will you literally punched someone wdym "not that much?"

twink: i'm literally made of sticks and flesh i couldn't do anything

twink: it meant a lot to me

bob ross: oh

bob ross: of course mike

twink: just dwbi

(Private Chat) Mike + Will

[September 24, 3:11 P.M.]

Will: how are you feeling?

Mike: i'm fine

Will: do you want to come over?

Mike: no sorry i’m doing chores.

Will: oh okay

Will: ill talk to you later <3

read at 3:12 P.M.

The Banquet

[September 24, 3:12 P.M.]

Dad: guys i still have my nail bat i will slaughter them if you ask me to

vodka aunt: ^^^

gunslinger: I have guns.

Jonathan: will and el come sit with me in my room

Jonathan: we can listen to vinyls

Jonathan: oh that was not meant to be put in this chat sorry

el enchanted: we're coming!

vodka aunt: aw i love those siblings <3

gunslinger: My SO is such a good sibling ❤️

Jonathan: asdjskfd ly nance ❤️

vodka aunt: wow lesbian erasure

vodka aunt: anyway i'm so so sorry you guys

vodka aunt: what is the school doing about it??

skatergirl: everyone involved was suspended for 3 days

Dad: WHAT???

Dad: THEY HATE CRIMED MIKE

skatergirl: yeah but apparently the football guys' injuries were more severe

skatergirl: mike only got a black eye and a few bruises 

skatergirls: but because andy got a broken nose they can't have him suspended for longer than us

bob ross: also hawkins is homophobic

wine aunt: That is awful. I hate this town.

gigachad: They aren't even taken off the team???

skatergirl: they have to sit out next game but they're like the "star players" so they dont want them taken away

gigachad: Fucking debatable

skatergirl: fr

gigachad: Guys that's terrible

gigachad: I don’t even know what to say

twink: it's okay you dont have to say anything

gigachad: ❤️❤️

twink: :)

[September 24, 4:24 P.M.]

freaky genius boy: oh my god i just saw these messages i'm so sorry

freaky genius boy: but good on will and el for kicking their asses

twink: thanks dustin

twink: but can we stop talking about this for now please?

freaky genius boy: yeah of course

6 people hearted a message: “yeah of course”

twink: thanks guys

bob ross: we love you mike

7 people hearted a message: “we love you mike”

(Private chat) Max + Mike

[September 24, 4:25 P.M.]

Max: mike i'm coming over 

Max: have your netflix subscription ready bc we're going to binge movies

Mike: okay 

The Banquet

[September 24, 6:40 P.M.]

skatergirl: me and mike are watching movies

vodka aunt: oooo what movie??

skatergirl: rn we're watching empire records

bob ross: oh you guys are with each other?

twink: yeah so??

bob ross: no reason! I’m happy your together

twink: i have other friends will.

twink: also im changing my stupid name back

twink has changed their name to Mike 

Mike: now im going to watch the movie so bye

bob ross: oh okay have fun!

the adults

[September 24, 6:42]

steve: um so what the fuck was that

robin: idk but that was kinda scary

nancy: Mike's doing pretty bad

nancy: Which makes sense considering the situation

nancy: But I think either Will or El might have said something to them that they took badly.

robin: what would they have said??

jonathan: neither of them have said anything abt the fight to me rlly

jonathan: but theyre also both socially exhausted

jonathan: maybe its js the same for mike

jonathan: he has a short fuse

nancy: I don't know, maybe, but it's horrible seeing them like this.

nancy: I have half a mind to walk up to the school and go off on the people in charge.

nancy: This whole situation is idiotic and shouldn't be tolerated

robin: yeah fr

robin: hawkins sucks

vickie: Well give me my regards to them!! I hope they feel better ❤️

nancy: Thanks Vick, I will tell mike ❤️

The Banquet

[September 24, 7:28 P.M]

redhead: fun fact corey from empire records was my bi awakening

Mike: AJ from empire records was also my gay awakening

vodka aunt: the perfect duo

freaky genius boy: mike you say everyone is your gay awakening

Mike: im very attracted to men

Mike: and they were all like collectively my gay awakening simultaneously

freaky genius boy: fair

vodka aunt: that movie was a fever dream tbh

vodka aunt: all i remember is grunge girl's funeral

vodka aunt: and that the two main girls are probably in lesbians with each other

Mike: gina and corey? cus they definitely are in lesbians

vodka aunt: maybe idk

gigachad: Okay who else here has not seen this movie????=

redhead: mike and i watch it almost every time we hang out 

Mike: it's because i'm in love with emo

Dad: mike are you high

Mike: i fucking wish i was high

weed man: i'm here if you need me

Mike: i might hit u up tbh

gunslinger: Mike no.

Mike: smh 

(Private Chat) Max + Steve

[September 24, 7:35 P.M.]

Steve: seriously is mike alright??

read at 7:35

The Banquet

[September 24, 7:35 P.M.]

redhead: anyway we finished empire records but now we are watching but i'm a cheerleader

vodka aunt: yessss sapphic romances <3

redhead: but i dont think mike is going to make it through the whole movie because they are falling asleep

Mike: no i am nottt

Mike: defamation

redhead: mhm.

[September 24, 7:50 P.M.]

redhead: update so that i can prove i’m right

redhead: this loser fell asleep

redhead: [image]

Dad: holy shit his face!!

redhead: oh yeah i forgot you hadn't seen it

redhead: they were bloodied up really bad

freaky genius boy: JESUS CHRIST

vodka aunt: dude that's awful :o

Dad: i’m so sorry guys

redhead: eh it’s fine

redhead: but thanks

Chapter Text

(Private Chat) Max + Will

[September 29, 6:06 P.M.]

Will: hey are you with mike right now?

Max: no but we’ve been texting a lot

Will: how are they doing? they haven’t talked to me in a few days

Max: better

Max: i’d still leave them alone for a bit though

Will: are they really that upset at me? :(

Max: it's difficult, you know how it is

Will: yeah ig

Max: also they wouldn’t like us talking about them behind their back so we should probably stop

Max: but i’ll update you if anything happens

Will: ok thanks :) 

(Private Chat) Max + Mike

[September 29, 6:10 P.M.]

Max: hey mike

Mike: hi

Max: wyd??

Mike: rotting away on ao3

Mike: why

Mike: do you wanna hang out??

Max: i mean if you want to

Max: but i just wnated to see what you were up to

Mike: ...okay

Mike: that sounds suspicious

Max: idk you seem a little depressed

Mike: me??? depressed? no fucking way

Max: ykwim dumbass 🙄🙄

Max: like more depressed than normal

Mike: i did just get beat up like four days ago

Max: you’re infuriating

Max: when's the last time you ate??

Mike: what are you my therapist??

Mike: sorry that was needlessly defensive

Max: mike 

Mike: max

Max: everyone is worried about you.

Max: especially will

Mike: well i dont want to talk to him

Max: i know that

Max: do you want to tell me why that is?

Mike: no.

Mike: i mean

Mike: i dunno

Mike: he said something and it really hurt

Mike: and my brain isn’t exactly nice to me about this stuff

Max: yeah well your brain is a fucking bitch

Max: we care about you a lot just remember that

Mike: thanks

(Private Chat) Max + Dustin

[September 29, 6:16 P.M.]

Max: hey invite the party to go do something

Dustin: why?

Max: cause mike is rotting in bed and they need to see that people care about them

Dustin: 👍

The Party

[September 29, 6:18 P.M.]

bard: hey guys

bard: does anyone want to go to the arcade??

ranger: i'm down!

mage: yes!!

zoomer: yeah sure

cleric: yeah that sounds great

paladin: sorry im busy

(Private Chat) Max + Dustin

[September 29, 6:19 P.M.]

Max: well that didn’t work

Dustin: no shit

Max: ugh whatever we tried

The Party

[September 29, 6:19 P.M.]

cleric: oh okay

mage: we'll miss you mike :(

(Private Chat) Lucas + Mike

[September 29, 6:20 P.M.]

Lucas: Are you actually busy

Mike: not really

Mike: but my room is a fucking pigsty because i havent cleaned it in months and its making me feel trapped and suffocated

Mike: and also i havent taken a shower in days and i feel gross

Mike: sorry that wasnt meant to be a vent

Lucas: Its okay man

Lucas: yk what I’m coming over

Lucas: I'll help you clean

Mike: dude 

Mike: you dont have to do that its fine

Lucas: Nope I’m coming

Lucas: It always helps Max and I think it’ll help you feel better

Mike: seriously you can go hang out with the party im alright

Lucas: no! 😜 I’m at your door already dunbass

Mike: ugh i can’t believe we’re neighbors

Mike: im coming down 

(Private Chat) Dustin + Lucas

[September 29, 6:30 P.M.]

Dustin: dude where are you

Lucas: Chill I’m with Mike

Lucas: Sorry I forgot to text the gc

Dustin: oh okay

Dustin: well lmk how he feels

Lucas: Okay!

(Private Chat) El + Lucas

[September 29, 6:43 P.M.]

El: are you with mike??

Lucas: Yup we're cleaning their room

El: oh ok!

El: just making sure, will is being mopey :(

El: but tell mike i said hi and i love him! <3

Lucas: will do 

wheeler kids

[September 29, 7:25 P.M.]

holly: hi!! i made mac and cheese

michael: VELVETA???????

holly: ya of course! 

holly: it's ur favorite

michael: THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK HOLLS

michael: I"M COMING DOWN NOW 

nancy: Mike the amount of Velveta macaroni and cheese you consume should be illegal 

michael: bro doesn't understand the concept of safe foods 🙄

nancy: Omg

holly: nancy come eat my mac and cheese

holly: i didnt burn it i promise

nancy: That sounds so fake Holly

nancy: But okay 

The Banquet

[September 29, 7:36 P.M.]

gigachad: [image]

gigachad: mike, nancy and holly cuddling and eating macaroni

gigachad: i feel strangely... left out

emo: delete this

gunslinger: I have a gun

vodka aunt: awwww my favorite siblings <3

Jonathan: hey no

Jonathan: that's our title

gunslinger: Yeah they can keep the title

gunslinger: We don't want it

redhead: you mean me and billy don't have it?? 

emo: uh max please say /j??????????????

redhead: no ❤️

gigachad: wow look at this shining spotless room

gigachad: [image]

redhead: wow no way mike has a floor 😱😱😱

emo: fuck you maxine

emo: i actually have this super niche thing called "mental illnesses" you might not have heard of it 

redhead: damn f in the chat 🥀

emo: Sjdjdjdj

bob ross: wow it looks great you guys!

emo: thx

(Private Chat) Nancy + Lucas

[September 29, 8:01 P.M.]

Nancy: Hey thanks for coming over Lucas

Nancy: They seem a lot better thanks to you

Lucas: Yeah, anything for Mike!

(Private Chat) Lucas + Mike

[September 29, 8:03 P.M.]

Lucas: Mike seriously don't worry about the letters

Lucas: it's fine

Mike: nobody should have seen those

Mike: i'm a fucking pervert

Lucas: Dude what??

Lucas: Would I be a pervert for writing love letters to Max????

Mike: ??no

Mike: but it's different for you because youre dating

Mike: and also she’s a girl

Lucas: Dude, you're not perverted just because you're gay

Lucas: The letters weren't even bad or inappropriate

Lucas: They were just about how you feel

Mike: but he doesn't even like me like that

Mike: he made that super clear

Mike: im hopelessly in love with someone who will never love me back

Lucas: Listen you seriously need to talk to someone about whatever Will said

Lucas: I don't know what it was but I think you definitely took it wrong

Lucas: it doesn't have to be me, but maybe reach out to Max and explain everything to her

Lucas: And seriously, don't worry about the letters

Lucas: I would never tell anyone

Lucas: And fyi I think they were really sweet

Mike: thanks lucas

Mike: i'll try not to stress about it

Mike: and i guess i'll talk to max

Lucas: try to get some sleep man

Lucas: you need it

Mike: thanks

Lucas: ❤️

Mike: ❤️

(Private Chat) Mike + Max

[September 29, 10:17 P.M.]

Mike: hey i'm ready to talk

Max: about damn time

Max: sorry that was rude

Max: please tell me whats up?

Mike: its gonna sound stupid and fucked up

Max: trust me it wont

Max: i guarantee i've thought of worse

Mike: ok..

Mike: idk its just

Mike: during the Incident

Mike: when el and will showed up

Mike: andy was like "what are you his boyfriend"

Mike: will said "i'm not his fucking boyfriend" 

Mike: and i know its like really out of context but it really hurt a lot

Mike: and it really reminded me just how unrequited this is

Mike: like he's my favorite person and i'm constantly clinging on to him like one of thsose fucking fingerling monkeys and he doesnt even LIKE me

Mike: he probably doesnt even want to be my friend tbh

Mike: and im just making him uncomfortable and annoyed because his weird gay friend has a massive insanely intense crush on him

Mike: but im also just like a jerk to him so i cant be upset about him not liking me

Mike: like im literally the worst

Mike: and yet IM the one whos clingy

Mike: im such a bad person

Mike: i just hate myself

Mike: and i hate my brain

Mike: and i wish i was straight cause then i could have actually liked el and treated her well and never been in love with my LIFELONG BEST FRIEND

Max: mike, thats a lot

Mike: really no way /s

Max: lets go over some stuff

Max: A) will doesn’t hate you, he literally acts like you hung the moon

Max: and B) he's gay so how could he be disgusted by you being gay???/

Max: if you found out lucas had a crush on you would you be disgusted??

Mike: no?

Max: exactly, so why do you have such extreme double standards

Mike: but like its different for me

Mike: lucas is literally the catch of the century

Mike: and i'm me

Max: ugh i hate glazing you this hard but genuinely you are such a good person

Max: will would be lucky to have you

Max: and seriously he probably reciprocates. genuinely he thinks your god on earth

Max: i cant tell you more but i really think you should talk to him

Max: he's hurting a lot right now and he doesn’t understand why you’re it icing him out

Max: i obviously cant force you to do anything but you seriously should say all of this to him, it won't end how you think it will

Mike: maybe you're right

Max: i usually am

Max: now talk to him before you chicken out 

Mike: promise he wont hate me ?

Max: promise

Mike: ok well wish me luck 😔

Max: you won't need it

(Private Chat) Mike + Will

[September 29, 10:32]

Mike: hey so

Mike: i’ve been being a bitch and i’m sorry

Will: i get it, i know youre going through a lot and i know how your bpd works

Will: i just wish youd talk to me about it because i want to help you but it hurts when you act like this

Mike: i know and I'm sorry

Will: it's okay :)

Mike: that being said i have some stuff to say and if i dont say it now im gonna chicken out and never say it so here it goes

Mike: when you got mad at andy after he called you my boyfriend, it felt like you were mad because he called you my boyfriend and you thought that was disgusting, and it hurt a lot to me because i really like you in like a not a friend way and thats why i have been ignoring you

Will: wait, what?

Mike: i'm so sorry 

Will: no like seriously what do you mean?

Will: i’m confused

Mike: i’ve been in love with you since i was like nine and it ruined our friendship and i’m sorry. it’s all my fault

Mike: you don’t have to talk to me ever again if you want i just needed to tell you. I’m sorry

Will: oh my god, mike, are you serious???

Mike: why would i lie about this? 

Will: idk it's just

Will: ahh fuck

Will: im not mad at you!!!

Mike: wait what

Will: omfg i’m shaking

Will: wait jonathan is driving me to your house. hold tight.

Chapter Text

The Banquet

[October 4, 9:32 A.M.]

skatergirl: hmmmm

skatergirl: interesting...

bob ross: want to share with the class, max?

skatergirl: 🤐

gigachad: ??

skatergirl: my mouth is preoccupied, cant talk

freaky genius boy: i feel behind

vodka aunt: whats gojng on ...

bob ross: max that text made mike snort and choke

emo: hey!!! it did not

bob ross: 😇

emo: 😇🔫

bob ross: wow rude

emo: my B 😞

bob ross: oml stfu

vodka aunt: im glad you guys are talking again that was painful

emo: oh we are doing more than talking

vodka aunt: WHAT

gigachad: im crying lmao

skatergirl: MIKE ?? 😭

skatergirl: this is the group chat ???

freaky genius boy: what does this meannnn

Jonathan: mike lmao

gigachad: the silence is deafening

bob ross: …

bob ross: michael

emo: sorry guys gtg do dishes

el enchanted: lies

el enchanted: mike is at my house

emo: ELLIE

skatergirl: guys we know what is going on just say it

bob ross: ok we're dating

freaky genius boy: who ??

skatergirl: WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK DUSTIN ? 😭

freaky genius boy: i dk?

emo: me and will

emo: surprise 🏳️‍🌈 👨‍❤️‍👨

vodka aunt: YAYYYYY BABY GAYS IN LOVE <3

bob ross: we are both 17

vodka aunt: shhhh baby gays

wine aunt: Aw good job you guys!

freaky genius boy: slay kings 😜

gigachad: nice!! finally got your heads out of your asses 

gigachad: i was on both of your gay panic text group chats btw

emo: YOU WERE ????

bob ross: LUCAS WHAT

gigachad: yep

gigachad: [screenshot]

gigachad: [screenshot]

gigachad: proof 

bob ross: UH YOU DIDNT SAY ANYTHING

Dad: chat we all brushed over dustin saying slay kings

gigachad: im good at secrets

emo: that is such a fucking lie

skatergirl: lie alert 

el enchanted: he lies

gigachad: damn chat clocked me 

freaky genius boy: lucas you spoiled my surprise 9th birthday party

freaky genius boy: that nobody even told you about

vodka aunt: how did that happen

freaky genius boy: he had suspicions about a drug cartel because everyone was whispering around him and me and because he was dramatic he used his spy gear to figure it out, turns out it was just a surprise party that he instantly told me about

vodka aunt: lmao i can imagine that so vividly

gunslinger: Mike and Will, I know I already knew but I'm happy for you two 

emo: thanks nance it means a lot ❤️

Jonathan: and me  too!

bob ross: well thanks guys

bob ross: it means a lot

emo: yeah it really does

emo: not gonna lie, i was half convinced you guys were gonna spit on me and call me slurs

freaky genius boy: we won't but will might :)

freaky genius boy: hawk tua 🔥

emo: HUHHHGH >??>:

bob ross: dustin oml

skatergirl: i take back everything i've ever said

skatergirl: dustin is the funniest person in this chat

gigachad: DUSTNIM LMAOOOO

Dad: dustnim

gunslinger: Please don't talk about this in main chat. I will pay you to shut up.

freaky genius boy: lmao sorry nance

el enchanted: please explain ?

freaky genius boy: calling jonathan 🗣️

Jonathan: nope someone else is gonna have to take this one

skatergirl: allow me

skatergirl: [video]

skatergirl: in this situation that is will ^

el enchanted: ohhh okay

el enchanted: that is very gross but also very funny 

el enchanted: sorry mike but dustin wins 

freaky genius boy: MY JOKE IS EL APPROVED 🔥🔥🔥🔥

freaky genius boy: ROLL OUT THE RED CARPET ‼️

skatergirl: WOOOOO!

gigachad: WE OUT HERE WITH A CELEBRITY 💯💯 💪

el enchanted: :)

emo: smh

vodka aunt: wait can we talk about the hawk tuah girl scams please ??

freaky genius boy: no we are discussing miwi

emo: is miwi our ship name 😍😍😍

gigachad: yes.

emo: its so cute 

emo: will we are so cute

bob ross: yes we are babe <333 

(Private Chat) Max + Mike

[October 4, 10:05 A.M.]

Mike: HE CALLED ME BABE !!!

Max: gay

Mike: .!woah

Mike: really 😨😨 😨 

The Banquet

[October 4, 11:11 A.M.]

weed man: i thougbt they were alsready datung

Jonathan: argyle what

emo: ???

weed man: i thohght they wete datinh in cali

weed man: they seemned reallu gay

Jonathan: no mike and el were dating in cali

weed man: wait wgat ?

emo: yes 

weed man: damn 

weed man: we;l congrats 🎊🎊🎊💥💨

vodka aunt: argyle you are priceless

weed man: tbamks brochacho

emo: how did you misspell thanks but spell brochacho correct ?.

weed man: priorities, michael

emo: istg

[October 4, 2:56 P.M.]

vodka aunt: question

vodka aunt: is there any straights here?

freaky genius boy: me

[October 4, 3:25 P.M.]

gigachad: LMAO THE CRICKETS

gigachad has changed freaky genius boy's name to token straight

token straight: i long ago accepted my fate as the only straight person in this humble town

emo: i read that in a rumpelstiltskin voice

skatergirl: wtf is a rumpelstiltskin voice

emo: ask ur mom

vodka aunt: great conversation everyone

[October 4, 3:42 P.M.]

token straight: ok but we're sure nobody else is straight right ?

[October 4, 4:02 P.M.]

bob ross: no actually im so straight

vodka aunt: say sike right now

bob ross: females 🤤

emo: SYBDSU

freaky genius boy: sybdsu 🗣️🔥🔥

el enchanted: what does sybdsu mean?

skatergirl: shut your big dick slurper up

emo: youre actually so weird oml

gunslinger: Ugh shut up I'm getting Richie flashbacks

Dad: who is richie

gunslinger: Don't get me started

emo: our gayass little cousin

Dad: whats with the negative reaction??

emo: he's a little shit

skatergirl: great elaboration michael

vodka aunt: i've never really acknowledged the idea that mike and nancy had cousins and it's unsettling

emo: yeah we have two

emo: one is in connectucuit and one is in like arizona or some shit 

gunslinger: *Maine *Nevada

emo: whatever

emo: they're irrelevant though

emo: the real topic of conversation is me and my adorable hot handsome boyfriend will 🥰

bob ross: aw mike 🥹

bob ross: somebody humble me pls my self esteem is too high 

skatergirl: i would not dare

gigachad: no fucking way

token straight: COMPLIMENT WILL TIME !!!

emo: oml yes i love complimenting will

emo: willllllll your art is so good

emo: when you draw me stuff i feel so happy and loved

emo: and you're so good at making me feel better when i'm overwhelmed or sad

gigachad: you're genuinely the nicest person out of all of us probably

gigachad: and you're like so funny

gigachad: your quips towards us are so funny

skatergirl: you're the only person who can keep mike sane and i commend you for that

Jonathan: you are the most brillinat amazning person ever and i love tlaking to yiu and your muy best friend and i couldnt hope for a better brother and i love oyu so much

bob ross: guys 😭

bob ross: jon are you high

Jonathan: yedds

token straight: you're such a good friend

token straight: ur the only person who believed in suzie and you were so sweet abt it

token straight: COUGH COUGH COUGH 

el enchanted: i've only had a real brother for 3 years and i love it. i'm so glad that my brother is you <3

bob ross: ok i'm crying now

bob ross: i love all of you guys too 😭

gigachad: LOVE U WILL

Chapter Text

The Banquet

[October 10, 7:15 P.M.]

vodka aunt: what are you guys going as for halloween???

vodka aunt: me and vickie (plus steve) are being heathers :)

token straight: wait who is steve going as?? the heathers are girls.

vodka aunt: ur so homophobic dustin. fyi steve EATS in plaid skirts

emo: that statemment put a very disturbing image in my head and i blame you robin

skatergirl: share with the class pls?? 😊

emo: trust me you do not want to know

vodka aunt: steve is gonna be JD tho

token straight: steve as the serial muederer makes sense

Jonathan: im not dressing up

weed man: im wearing my weed suit.

token straight: what the fuck is a weed suit

weed man: [image]

vodka aunt: oh. its a literal marijuana leaf costume.

token straight: i don’t know what i expected.

emo: ^ dead dove!! do not eat :(

token straight: i know you’re referencing ao3 but i’m choosing to believe you’re quoting arrested development

emo: if that’s a veiled criticism about me, i won’t hear it and i won’t respond to it :(

token straight: YOU WERE QUOTING ARRESTED DEV 🤩🤩

emo: im neurodivergent, not uncultured 😔

skatergirl: lucas and i are going as shego and kim possible

vodka aunt: you two are… going as… shego and kim possible?

skatergirl: it was lucas’s idea

skatergirl: i think his words were: “can i be the shego to your kim?”

gigachad: those were my exact words

el enchanted: will says lucas would look hot as shego

gigachad: me when a man calls me hot 😍😍

emo: me when a man tries to steal my bf 😡😡

vodka aunt: me when a man 🤮🤮

Jonathan: ellie why are you announcing everything for will

el enchanted: his phone died and he still wanted to feel included :( 

gigachad: aw pookie’s phone ran out of juice </3

el enchanted: will says shut up

emo: GUYS I JUST REMEMBERED I GREW OUT OF MY PALADIN COSTUME

emo: I CANT WEAR IT ANYMORE !!!

emo: I TRIED IT ON AND IT SUFFOCATED ME 

emo: WHAT AM I GONNA DO????

gunslinger: Mike cried about it last night.

emo: YOU DON’T GET IT NANCE

vodka aunt: mike!! Capitals!!

(Private Chat) El + Mike

[October 10, 7:31 P.M.]

El: hey are you okay mike?

Mike: yeah!! im fine!!

El: are you sure that nancy making fun of your paladin costume isnt making you feel inferior and embarrassing for having a hyperfixation that is stereotypically nerdy and cringe

Mike: oh

El: i know you very well 

Mike: youre very emotionally intelligent

El: ❤️❤️

El: will says he is sorry and he wishes his phone was charging faster so he could help you 

El: i will change the subject in the main chat :)

Mike: i love you /p

Mike: and tell will i love him /r

El: “tell him i said hes an idiot but remind him i said it lovingly” -will

Mike: asjsjsj

The Banquet

[October 10, 7:33 P.M.]

el enchanted: i want me and will to be mabel and dipper!! the mystery twins!

el enchanted: will says he did not agree to this

el enchanted: ))): please?

skatergirl: el you can talk to him in person

el enchanted: oh right 🥰

Jonathan: wait if will is dipper then who does that make mike???

vodka aunt: candy?

vodka aunt: wendy?

emo: absolutely the fuck not 

token straight: WAIT CAN I BE DIPPER??? PLEASE?

el enchanted: omg yes!! 😊will also says that sounds good

el enchanted: max do you want to be wendy??

skatergirl: wait what are the implications of that for me…

el enchanted: dw lucas can be robbie! so you don’t have to be a couple with dustin

gigachad: Nope not doing it

el enchanted: mike as robbie?

skatergirl: thats even worse

emo: im gay

vodka aunt: we know

emo: anyway me and will were going to do a couples costume

emo: we usually do anyway but like this the first year it's technically coupley

gigachad: idk dressing up as a CLERIC and a PALADIN together four years in a row is pretty damn gay 

emo: sybau </3

vodka aunt: well what are you doing?

emo: we dont know yet

el enchanted: will says theres not enough recognizable gay people

token straight: yeah like who even is gay???

vodka aunt: bert and ernie

vodka aunt: frog and toad

vodka aunt: ken and allen

vodka aunt: rick and morty

vodka aunt: calvin and hobbs

gigachad: CALVIN AND HOBBS ARE NOT GAY 😭😭

vodka aunt: fred and shaggy maybe?

emo: … actually…

el enchanted: if they were fred and shaggy i could be scooby!! 🥰

emo:  fred was my gay awakening (one of them)

el enchanted: will says mike would be cute as shaggy

el enchanted: oh he said i was not supposed to say that sorry

vodka aunt: yeah no being gay in chat

emo: hypocrite 

gigachad: you could always genderbend

gigachad: like maybe rapunzel and flynn?

emo: erm no thanks 

emo: no way im dressing up as rapunzel

gigachad: well i pictured will as being rapunzel since… youre 6’2.. and have black hair...

skatergirl: nah will is too attractive to not be flynn

el enchanted: “shut up max” - will

vodka aunt: what about a comic book? like superman and lois or smth??

skatergirl: el should be superman 😇 

emo: nNO

emo: NO

emo: NO

gigachad: omg 

emo: FUCK YOU MAXINE

Dad: um whats going on ?

skatergirl: you can FLY!

skatergirl: YoU can MoVE moUnTains!

skatergirl: I bEliEve rhat! I REALLY do!

emo: stopppppp 

vodka aunt: what the fuck is going on 

gigachad: and right now, you need to fIgHt!!

emo: YOU TOLD LUCAS???

token straight: YOU NEED TO FIGHT!

token straight: FIGHT EL!! FIGHT!

skatergirl: and dustin :)

el enchanted: guys don't make me remember that :(( it was traumatic

el enchanted: “yeah and it wasn’t fun for me either” - will

emo: and what if i went back to the quarry?? /srs

gunslinger: Mike…

el enchanted: mike

el enchanted: will says “mike” too :(

emo: sorry 

Jonathan: yeah you SHOULD be sorry i had to watch that shitshow in person

Jonathan: mike i lvoe you like a sibling but that shit triggered the start of the apocalyspe

Jonathan: LITERALLY.

skatergirl: drop ✊😞 in the chat if you had to witness this

skatergirl: ✊😞

el enchanted: ✊😞 

el enchanted: ✊😞 -will

Jonathan: ✊😞

weed man: ✊😞

Dad: btw nobody has explained yet??

Jonathan: /ij

skatergirl: we can save it for another time

gunslinger: To be honest this conversation is giving "six little nuggets"

Jonathan: LMAO

Dad: nance 

Dad: not in front of jom :(

token straight: jom

token straight changed jonathan's name to jom

vodka aunt: 1000 IQ pullout from nancy 🔥

skatergirl: lmao couldn't be mike's parents

emo: MAXINE MAYFIELD

gunslinger: Oh my god shut up

emo: EWWEWWEW SYBAU SYBAU

[October 10, 8:45 A.M]

gigachad: ok so im changing the topic....

gigachad: Mike Will any good suggestions

emo: i like the comic book route

emo: NOT SUPERMAN.

vodka aunt: what about spiderman and mj? like will can be spiderman and mike can be mj?

gunslinger: Mike is currently screaming into his pillow

vodka aunt: thanks for the narration nance

el enchanted: mike?? 

el enchanted: (btw this is will bc ellie has to do the dishes)

Dad: im concerned about moke

vodka aunt: moke

gigachad: moke

gunslinger: [image]

gunslinger: Mike right now

amERICA: LMFAO their face is so red

amERICA: that loser

emo: sybau sybau sybau

emo: i just think will would be hot as spider man ok 😔

el enchanted: oh…

el enchanted: so i made you blush?? 😏😏

gigachad: i know thats will speaking but its very unsettling to see that message come from el’s phone

token straight: miwi get a room 

vodka aunt: yeah no gay in chat

emo: jesus sorry for being gay for my lovely hot attractive boyfriend 🙄

emo: sorry im overcompensating now that i can finally say will is attractive 🙄🙄

token straight: tbf you did before you were dsting, you were just more... subtle

emo: sybau

skatergirl: aww baby mike has a new favorite phrase 🥰🥰

emo: 🖕🖕🖕

gunslinger: Jonathan is the hottest Byers 

gunslinger: Hands down.

el enchanted: guys stop calling my siblings hot :(((

el enchanted: they are gross and weird. and they leave the toilet seat up 

amERICA: preach

[October 10, 11:34 A.M.]

gigachad: wait lets go back since when was ERICA in this chat??????????????

amERICA: since forever, i just lurk

amERICA: y’all are less interesting than tina

gigachad: fuck you 🗣️🔥

amERICA: i'm gon tell mom u said that 🗣️🔥

gigachad: i'll tell her what u said abt mike 🗣️🔥🗣️🔥🗣️🔥🗣️🔥

amERICA: sigh 

vodka aunt: ugh i wish i had siblings </3

Chapter Text

The Party

[October 14, 2:13 A.M.]

bard: guys

bard: guys

bard: guys

bard: guys

zoomer: dustin. what the hell.

zoomer: it is two am.

bard: guys

bard: oh thank god you're here 🙏🙏😓

bard: i need help

bard: so picture this …

bard: it's one in the afternoon and it's bright and sunny and i'm panicking

zoomer: OH MY GOD. I DONT CARE.

zoomer: JUST SPIT IT OUT.

bard: jeez i was setting the scene forgive me for making a narrative 🙄🙄

zoomer: i will end you. 

paladin: oh My God. it is the middle of the night why are you spamming us?

bard: i can't rejemenber what the calc test on monday is on

zoomer: its chapter 7 sections a to g you fucking dolt

bard: thank you max!!! from this piont on i ow you my life 🙏🙏🙏

paladin: great amazing glad we're all happy

paladin: now stop texting or you will wake up will and el.

mage: too late :(

zoomer: dustin i am going to murder you with my bare hands

paladin: ^^

bard: i'm so sorry el! i didn't mean to wake you 😭

mage: it is ok! i was going to wake up anyway 

mage: will and jonathan are being loud

cleric: we re watching stand by me and crying

paladin: omg hey will!

cleric: hi mike :)

paladin: <333

zoomer: smooth.

(Private Chat) Max + Mike

[October 14, 2:18 A.M.]

Max: your gay is showing 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨💫💫

Mike: my WHAT . 😨😨😱😱😱😱😰🤯

Max: 🗣️🔥🔥💯💯🥀 SLUR! 🗣️🔥🔥🔥🥀💯🔥

Mike: 😭😭💔💔💔🥀🥀😞😞 im heart brokem

The Party

[October 14, 2:18 A.M.]

cleric: well i'm sorry for waking you up el

mage: i get it. it is a good movie <3

cleric: <3

bard: wonder twins strike again ❣️

bard: we are forever united by our lpve for them

zoomer: no we are not united. you are not off the hook yet henderson.

bard: oh no 😱😱😱 max is mad 😱😱 whatever will i do 😱😱

paladin: Die.

zoomer: ^

bard: wow okay rude ignoring that

paladin: I'm serious. This is a threat.

zoomer: it is

mage: guys stop you're being mean 

zoomer: no

paladin: no

cleric: yeah guys its 2 am leave him alone

cleric: he just wanted homework help 

paladin: fine. sorry dustin /srs

zoomer: he Folded so fast

paladin: i hate you 🖕🖕

zoomer: i hate you more 🖕🖕🖕

paladin: i hate you most 🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕

cleric: guys please go to sleep

cleric: why were you awake in the first place

paladin: depression

bard: i don't need sleep

bard: i need ANSWERS

zoomer: oh my god

bard: i need to determine where in this SWAMP of unbalanced formulas squatteth the toad of truth! 🤪🤪🦠🦠

zoomer: for the love of all that is good and holy

zoomer: stop qyoting the big bang thoery

cleric: go to sleep. please

paladin: you heard him. sleep

cleric: shut up mike

paladin: make me

cleric: gladly ❤️😘

zoomer: stop. texting.

bard: NO!!!!

zoomer left the chat

paladin: good riddance.

cleric: guys sleep or im leaving too 

paladin: noooo dont leave, your so sexy aha ❤️

bard: ^simp

bard: smh 🙄🙄

mage: gn guys !!

cleric: goodnight

bard: gnnn

paladin: night

[October 14, 8:32 A.M.]

ranger: What is wrong with you guys

ranger: I wake up at a reasonable hour and I see this

bard: "reasonable hour" meanwhile bro wakes up at 8:30 💀

ranger: You're literally also awake smh

ranger: what even happened

bard: backread.

ranger: kk

ranger: oh my god

ranger: I'm adding Max back

ranger added zoomer to the chat

zoomer: thanks ❤️ 

ranger: anytime babe ❤️

paladin: gross .

[October 14, 10:01 A.M.]

mage: 🧀☀️!

mage: gouda morning! like good morning but with cheese 😇

cleric: thats funny el!

paladin: el youre amazing

paladin: if i was a girl i would go so lesbian for you 

bard: just,,, be straight?

paladin: WOWW LIVE FOOTAGE OF VILLAGE HOMOPHOBE DUSTIN TELLING ME TO BE STRAIGHT 😐😐😑😐

ranger: WOAHHH NO WAY

ranger took a screenshot

paladin took a screenshot

bard: killing myself /j

paladin: noooo dont kys your so sexy aha

bard: 🤬🤬

bard: ^ me calling u slurs

paladin: 🤬🤬

paladin: me calling YOU slurs

ranger: wait are there straight slurs?? /gen

paladin: hmmm

zoomer: no, i looked it up yesterday

cleric: hot take

cleric: how about NO slurs? /srs

paladin: u right

paladin: 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻

ranger: bro uses the light skin emojis 💀

paladin: would you rather me use the black ones??

ranger: its just that white people dont usually do that

paladin: strange.

paladin: i guess im... just... not like the other white ppl... 🎀

ranger: KMS-ing

ranger: also wait I just realized

ranger: do y'all not silence your phones at night???

mage: how do i silence a phone? ;-;

ranger: William Byers 

cleric: yes?

ranger: show El how to silence her phone

cleric: ok! el come here

mage: ok!

ranger: so like now I know that El doesn’t know how to do it but what about the rest of you

ranger: what’s ur excuse

zoomer: silencing your phone at night is loser behavior

paladin: ^^

zoomer: not as loser as using the white emojis tho

paladin: bitch. 

paladin: i was agreeing with you.

zoomer: twink

paladin: ginger

zoomer: oooh i’m so offended

zoomer: how dare you ues a name that is an observational fact

paladin: *use

zoomer: fuck you

paladin: grow a dick first 

ranger: ASJDJFJKLMSJN

zoomer: screaming crying throwing up 🤢😭

bard: guys get a room

paladin: KYS 

zoomer: care to demonstrate?? <33

cleric: stop.

paladin: okay!

mage: will taught me how to use disturb mode!! 😊

mage: thank you will! the others will not wake me any mre

cleric: its called do not disturb, el! but your welcome

ranger: I’m still confused why you think do not disturb is weird

ranger: but I’ll let it slide.

bard: personally i have fomo stemming from the summer before 9th grade 😞😞

zoomer: oh god

bard: i don’t want to be left out again

bard: so i never turn off my phone just in case

zoomer: dramatic ass

cleric: no no, that’s fair

cleric: im here for u dustin

cleric: we have overcome the trauma of That Summer ™ forever

zoomer: tbf everything that happened that summer was mikes fault 🙄

paladin: I hate you all.

cleric: 😞

paladin: Except for Will.

cleric: :) <3

ranger: you have such low standards william.

cleric: sybau 🖕

October 15, 3:07 P.M.

bard: guys i think i failed the test

zoomer: literally the worst grade you've ever gotten is a 83

zoomer: you're fine.

ranger: I wouldn't be too sure about that, that was BRUTAL

paladin: yeah lowkey i wish i was still suspended 💔

bard: not helping fam

ranger: I'm kidding Dustin, you probably did good

paladin: what did you guys get for question eight?

bard: i dont fucking remember

ranger: 4pi/3

zoomer: 4pi/3

cleric: 4pi/3

paladin: ok thats what i got

cleric: not to be mean but half of the test was just the unit circle, which we had a cheat sheet for

cleric: you guys are overreacting

bard: yeah ik, i just like being dramatic 🤪🤪🤪

zoomer: stop using that emoji.

mage: max is right. it is weird.

bard: 🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪

zoomer: i will leave again

ranger: no!!

bard: fine

Chapter Text

The Banquet

[October 28, 10:17 A.M.]

vodka aunt: hello im bored

Dad: hi bored im steve

vodka aunt: sybau

[October 28, 10:46 A.M.]

vodka aunt: what is everyone BESIDES STEVE doing on this fine morning?

gunslinger: Finishing a lego set with Jon

vodka aunt: oh sick what kind

gunslinger: Notre Dame

gunslinger: It's building four in my Lego Architecture collection.

vodka aunt: send us a pic when its done !!

gunslinger: 👍🏻

bob ross: im playing runescape with mike

token straight: osrs or rs3

bob ross: rs3

emo: my brain cannot comprehend osrs 

amERICA: nerd alert !

gigachad: shut up erica you watch yt videos about the sims 4

amERICA: and i'm not ashamed 

wine aunt: WAIT ERICA DO YOU WATCH LILSIMSIE

amERICA: YESS

wine aunt: AHH I LOVE HER

wine aunt: You are officially my favorite child ☺️

wine aunt: Besides El of course

amERICA: i completely accept this role

vodka aunt: omg vickie we should adopt erica

wine aunt: Omg yes we should

amERICA: im so down 

vodka aunt: ahhh yayy!

wine aunt: love you both 

2 people loved a message: "love you both"

gigachad: Erica go away

gigachad: I'm playing roblox

amERICA: 🖕🏿🖕🏿

vodka aunt: don't talk to my daughter that way 🤬

wine aunt: You tell him babe!! 💞

bob ross: as much as i love lesbians im curious

bob ross: lucas what game are you playing

gigachad: ed sheeran's toe obby

skatergirl: you may think he is joking but he is not

skatergirl: i can see him on my friends list

el enchanted: i am going to join!!

gigachad: yess please do!

[October 28, 11:31 A.M.]

token straight: I'M MAKING BROWNIES LATER !! 🗣️🔥🔥🔥💯💯🤙🏻🤙🏻

token straight: AND I WONT BURN THEM THIS TIME ONG FR 🗣️🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

token straight: side note i figured out why ive burned four batches of brownies this month

token straight: i was using the time on the box for a 8x8 pan and not a 13x9 pan 😜

Dad: youve burned four boxes of brownies this month

token straight: yeah i burn a lot of food 💔🥀

token straight: somtimes i dont hear the timer and sometimes i snooze the timer

token straight: i have to sit on the ground in front of the oven while something cooks or i wont take it out

skatergirl: dustin that is so stupid

skatergirl: youre a  loser

token straight: spit your ableist rhetoric somewhere else smh 🙄🙄💯💯💯🥀🥀

bob ross: wow ableism in chat rude

skatergirl: sybau </3

[October 28, 12:00 A.M.]

gunslinger: [img.legonotredame]

vodka aunt: omg nance that's so cool!!

weed man: dammn its soi small in person

gunslinger: It's legos, Argyle

weed man: oh shit man, xool

emo: wow nancy is such a nerd 🥀

gunslinger: I decided for reasons not relevant to this chat that I should send this picture.

gunslinger: [image]

skatergirl: LMAO IS THAT MIKE RIGHT NOW

gigachad: tag yourself

gigachad: I'm mike's batshit crazy hair

token straight: i'm his tiktok "restocking my fridge asmr" sweater paws

skatergirl: im their eyebags 

emo: STFU 

emo: nancy i cant believe youd betray me like this!! 

bob ross: aww he's so cute! <33

emo: aww thanks will 🥰🥰

emo: i take it back its all good now

vodka aunt: why is their pc setup kinda fire ngl <3

jom: rich parents

vodka aunt: touche

el enchanted: mike is so... skrunkly 🎀💓

emo: what.

token straight: LMAOOOO

vodka aunt: im crying they are literally so skrunkly

bob ross changed MOKE's name to skrunkly <3

skrunkly <3: willllllll, 😭😭

bob ross: what i didnt do anything trust 🙏❤️

skrunkly <3: id ont want to be skunky

token straight: skunky lmao

skatergirl: tbf skunky is more accurate

skrunkly <3: kys

skatergirl: ladies first !

skrunkly <3: tried it once. it didnt work. 😞

skatergirl: pussy 🗣️🔥🔥

skrunkly <3: ableist 🗣️🔥🔥

gunslinger: Can we please not joke about this subject?

skrunkly <3: says the neurotypical lmao

gunslinger: I meant the other thing.

skrunkly <3: ...pussy?

gunslinger: Michael James Wheeler. You know what I mean.

skrunkly <3: im humming and my fingers are in my ears

bob ross: mike.

skrunkly <3: sorry will i was kidding :(

bob ross: its ok mike :)) i just want you to be safe

skrunkly <3: thanks will ily <333

gunslinger: I need to know just what exactly Will does to Mike to get him to behave so that I can do it too.

gunslinger: Please give me your secrets Will.

bob ross: ew nancy hes gay and youre siblings, thats so gross :( 

gunslinger: WILL THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT !!!

token straight: will i love you that was so funny

vodka aunt: lmaooo

el enchanted: will that is gross 🤢

bob ross: shrug

[October 28, 1:24 P.M.]

gigachad: wait question if Mike is skrunkly then what is Will because Will is NOT skrunkly

skrunkly <3: hot

bob ross: babe im blushing

skrunkly <3: A HOTTIE  CALLED ME BABE  😍

skatergirl: shut ur damn mouths

skrunkly <3: make me 

bob ross: michael is this your way of sayjng you want an open relationship

skrunkly <3: ASKDJGJGNGNG I MEANT SHE WOULD MURDER ME .💀

skatergirl: i would much prefer the latter

token straight: "i would much prefer the latter 👆🤓"

skatergirl: sybau 🖕🖕🖕

gigachad: hey Will :))

gigachad: I see you're available now :)))

bob ross: 👀 maybe i am

gigachad: you wanna make out in a gay way?? 👨‍❤️‍👨👨‍❤️‍👨

bob ross: absolutely my lukie pookie 

gigachad: aw ilysm my amazing attractive Willy Billy 

skrunkly <3: GET UR HANDS IFF MY BOYFRIEND 😡😡

skatergirl: wow so homophobic mjke

skatergirl: i for one support the fulfilment my boyfriends primal homosexual urges

gigachad: omg so sweet babe ❤️

skatergirl: omg ofc babe ❤️

skrunkly <3: i am a biological male

skrunkly <3: my boyfriend can fulfill any and all of his homosexual urges with ME

skatergirl: clearly not if he has to turn to my bf

skrunkly <3: cryimg 😭

bob ross: aww dont worry bb

bob ross: you will always and forever satisfy my urges ❤️❤️

skrunkly <3: and you will always satisfy mine ❤️❤️

[October 28, 3:06 P.M.]

token straight: lmao thats the shit nancy can't do for mike unless she wants a seven limbed baby

gunslinger: DUSTIN OH MY GOD 

gunslinger: THATS DISGUSTING

el enchanted: ew ew ew ew ew

skrunkly <3: im actually vomitting rn

skrunkly <3: both by that comment and by the fact that my name is still fucking skrunkly

skrunkly <3: someone change it

skatergirl changed skrunkly <3's name to RAP DEVIL

RAP DEVIL: no.

giachad changed RAP DEVIL's name to Avril Lavigne Stan

Avril Lavigne Stan: i will never beat the allegations

vodka aunt changed Avril Lavigne Stan's name to MOLE RAT

MOLE RAT: i give up. 

token straight: AYEEE BROWNIES ARE DONE 🔥🔥🔥🔥

token straight: off topic but its lowkey evil that there is no brownie emoji

el enchanted: I WANT BROWNIES !! 💓💓💓💓💓

MOLE RAT: wait i want brownies too

gigachad: samesies !

skatergirl: never fucking say that again

MOLE RAT: samesies

vodka aunt: samesies

token straight: samesies

bob ross: samesies

skatergirl: yeah i need to stop walking into that

skatergirl: but i do too lowke

el enchanted: jon can you take me to get brownies from dustin???

jom: if hes fine with it sure

token straight: omg pls do!! anything for u el 🥰

skatergirl: steveee

Dad: yes I’ll pick you up

MOLE RAT: me and lucas too??

Dad: can’t you both fucking drive

MOLE RAT: well yeah but

MOLE RAT: if you drove us it would save gas and the planet 🥰

Dad: ugh fine

MOLE RAT: thanksss

gigachad: you're the best parental figure steve

jom: Hey.

vodka aunt: that text was so fucking ominous

skatergirl: and fast, jon responded immediately

el enchanted: jon and steve would be good dads ❤️❤️

bob ross: fr

MOLE RAT: sticky situation

MOLE RAT: i hate gay people but also i want jonathan and steve to adopt me and be my dads </3

bob ross: u hate gay ppl .?😰

jom: if i adopted you then will would be your uncle and nancy would be your mom

MOLE RAT: ew fuck no nvm

token straight: kinky~

MOLE RAT: OHHHHHH MY GOD STFU DUSTIN

skatergirl: ssASDFNJN HELLP IM DYKING

vodka aunt: i love dyking ❤️👩‍❤️‍👩🏳️‍🌈🌈

wine aunt: We know

MOLE RAT: well its okay if jon and steve cant adopt me ill settle for robin and vickie

token straight changed vodka aunt’s name to mother

token straight changed wine aunt's name to mother 2

mother: nope

motherchanged their name to vodka aunt

vodka aunt changed mother 2’s name to wine aunt

vodka aunt: sorry guys i already have one kid and thats enough

amERICA: yeah im better than all yall put together

vodka aunt: absolutely

[October 28, 3:40 P.M.]

el enchanted: DUSTIN WE ARE OUTSIDE 🥰🥰🥰

bob ross: Open the f ucking door

token straight: jesus alright

vodka aunt: lord what happened to will 😭 

bob ross: im fucking. hungry

skatergirl: will byers villain arc when???

bob ross: growl

MOLE RAT: [voicemessage(1:32)]

skatergirl: WHAT THE FUC K 😀😀

MOLE RAT: when boyfie says growl i growl

vodka aunt: i do not think that thats what will meant

bob ross: It Is Not What I Meant.

MOLE RAT: 💔💔oh 

bob ross: its ok ill always support your growling endevors ❤️❤️

bob ross: ilysm ❤️❤️

MOLE RAT: aaah ilyt 💞💓

gigachad: we are here now 

gigachad: stop being gay

MOLE RAT: fuck u

skatergirl: not enough people reacted poorly to that growl .

Chapter Text

The Banquet

[October 31, 10:23 A.M.]

token straight: CANT WAIT TO SEE EVERYONE TONIGHT 🗣️🗣️🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

el enchanted: me too!!! 🥰🥰

MOLE RAT: huh .?

skatergirl: what

token straight: halloween??? your mom is having us over for movies??

MOLE RAT: oh rightttt

skatergirl: LMAO bro rlly forgot about the party he's hosting

MOLE RAT: literally you forgot too

skatergirl: yeah but its different because its not AT MY HOUSE

Dad: speaking of which what time are we meeting?? we never actually settled that

MOLE RAT: me and will are taking holly trick or treating at about 6:30

MOLE RAT: so 7:15-ish? she won't want to be out for long

vodka aunt: important question what is holly dressing up as ??

MOLE RAT: she found out me and will were being spiderman and mj and she insisted on being venom

vodka aunt: cutee

[October 31, 11:00 A.M.]

el enchanted: wait i want to go trick or treating too!!

token straight: i'm down to go too! 🥰🥰

gigachad: shit count me and max in then

skatergirl: ^^

MOLE RAT:  ok cool

MOLE RAT: meet us at my house at 6:30 and then we can go to the rich side of the neighborhood

MOLE RAT: ms leonard gives out full sized candy bars to teenagers only

token straight: hell yeah lets take those motherfuckers from the kids 🔥

[October 31, 6:17 P.M.]

vodka aunt: send us pics u guys

MOLE RAT: you will literally be seeing us in costume at the party though 

vodka aunt: suddenly i cannot hear ☺️

MOLE RAT: this is text

vodka aunt: suddenly i cannot read ☺️☺️☺️

MOLE RAT: 🖕

bob ross: see you guys later

[October 31, 7:03 P.M.]

skatergirl: i fucking hate this fucking town

vodka aunt: real

Dad: what happened???

gigachad: we all were outside for thirty minutes and were called three different slurs.

gigachad: just because Mike and Will were holding hands

gigachad: and also because me and Max were

vodka aunt: ugh that's so awful

token straight: fr like how can you be racist and homophobic in 2025?? 🙄🙄🖕

skatergirl: on the bright side holly fucking OWNED them

skatergirl: i guess nancy's teachings about homophobia were educational

vodka aunt: wait what did she say??

bob ross: someone said something like "go fuck your boyfriend"

bob ross: and then holly said "you're just jealous because you don't have a boyfriend and you have to hide your true feelings"

vodka aunt: lmaoooo

MOLE RAT: yeah i think that one came from nancy's talk with holly about my internalised homophobia 💔

jom: Sorry my girlfriend did WHAT

MOLE RAT: a story for another time lmao

skatergirl: gay ppl smh 🙄

 the real homosexuals of hawkins

[October 31, 7:32 P.M.]

robin: hey are you guys doing alright??

will: yeah we're fine!

will: used to it unfortunately

mike: that but also its much easier to ignore homophobia when i know that my feelings are requited 

mike: also because i get to kiss will and their lame closetted asses dont 🎀

will: awww ilysm mikey ❤️❤️🥰🥰

mike: ilytttt ❤️❤️😍

robin: barf

robin: ur so whipped smh 🙄

will: you and vickie moved in together after like two weeks you cannot talk

mike: uhaul lesbians smh

robin: vickie is bi 

mike: 👆🤓

robin: biphobe

mike: mouthbreather

robin: bro 

The Banquet

[October 31, 7:37 P.M.]

vodka aunt: mike just called me a mouthbreather in the big year 2025 💀💀💀

MOLE RAT: sybauuuuuu

MOLE RAT: robin buckley is making fun of my vocal stim in the big year 2025 🗣️🔥🔥🤬

vodka aunt: it was literally a text

MOLE RAT: lalalala i cant hear you

vodka aunt: kys

Dad: robin you cant say that to a minor !!

MOLE RAT: im gonna report you in for child endagerment 😁😁

vodka aunt: k . ysssss

gunslinger: Robin, do I need to shoot you for being aggressive towards my brother?

vodka aunt: No Sir 🫡

gunslinger: Be nice in chat please.

vodka aunt: SIR YES SIR 🫡

token straight: wow robin here misgendering people in the big year 2025 💀

jom: shut up in chat

jom: also me and nance are on our way

wine aunt: Me and Robin are, too!

wine aunt: See you in a few!

(Private Chat) Vickie + Robin

[October 31, 10:57 P.M.]

Vickie: Hey 

Robin: wow, texting when we are together in person?? scandalous

Vickie: I had to be quiet.

Vickie: does Will seem spacey to you? 

Robin: yeah he does

Vickie: Do you think it's because of what happened earlier?

Robin: oh no

Robin: i think this time of year is just really hard for him

Robin: because, yk, he went missing and stuff

Vickie: ohhh i forgot about that

Vickie: Poor kid :(

Robin: yeah :(

Vickie: I'm going to go get another Dr Pepper, you want one??

Robin: yessss plsssss 😍😍😍

Vickie: Lol okay ❤️

Robin: ❤️❤️

Chapter Text

The Banquet

[November 2, 6:17 P.M.]

gunslinger: Michael James Wheeler, stop listening to emo music and get your ass down here for dinner.

gunslinger: Oops, wrong chat, sorry 

skatergirl: asfjknsadfknads

MOLE RAT: i dont want to come to dinnerrrr

gunslinger: Loser,

MOLE RAT: asshole

vodka aunt: wait i just got an idea

vodka aunt: what is everyone's favorite songs

jom: the smiths

vodka aunt: that is not a song

jom: i dont care ❤️

gigachad: i like literally anything by Tyler the Creator

skatergirl: i also like anything by tyler the creator

el enchanted: i love lizzy mcalpine!!

el enchanted: my favorite is orange show speedway :)

token straight: the dumb song by ajr

MOLE RAT: well it really depends on the artist

MOLE RAT: noah kahan = growing sideways

MOLE RAT: tv girl = it almost worked

MOLE RAT: alex g = pretend

MOLE RAT: modern baseball = just another face

gigachad: damn...

token straight: maybe your mental illness would be cured if you listened to happy music instead of that sad shit 😊😊

MOLE RAT: sybau </3

skatergirl: mike you listen to such loser virgin music

MOLE RAT: IM NOT A VIRGIN

skatergirl: i absolutely do not believe you

bob ross: no comment

token straight: i love how neither mike nor will denied the "loser" allegations

bob ross: no mikes a loser

bob ross: but they're my loser ❤️❤️❤️

MOLE RAT: aww ilyt ❤️❤️

bob ross: also my favorite song is boys dont cry

skatergirl: lmao vintage wannabe ass bitch

skatergirl: (im sorry dont kill me pls)

bob ross: dw i wont kill you

MOLE RAT: i might 😡

gunslinger: Stop talking about this and come down for dinner.

MOLE RAT: chill im coming

token straight: thats what she said

gigachad: lmaooooo

MOLE RAT: dustin get better jokes

token straight: get a better music taste 😊

MOLE RAT: my music taste is impeccable

MOLE RAT: fuck you

MOLE RAT: also you listen to AJR exclusively

MOLE RAT: you CANNOT talk about good music taste

token straight: ajr drops BANGERS, youre just a hater 💔💔

token straight: also i cant sacrifice my weird and quirky single 30 year old man aesthetic just to listen to emo music

skatergirl: dustin absolutely did not just call himself aesthetic

token straight: fuck u i am so aesthetic

MOLE RAT: my aesthetic is trans masc stoner bella swan

bob ross: that is... actually really accurate...

gigachad: it really is

token straight changed MOLE RAT's name to SPIDER MONKEY

token straight: hold on tight spider monkey 🥵🥵🥵

SPIDER MONKEY: KYSSSS.SSS

token straight: love you too

SPIDER MONKEY: 🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕

vodka aunt: wait if mike is bella, does that make will edward?

bob ross: NO

token straight changed bob ross's name to edward cullen

edward cullen: omfg dustin die

token straight: ❤️❤️

edward cullen: my aesthetic is hating straight people (dustin)

skatergirl: my aesthetic is hating every single thing that comes out of mike's mouth /srs

SPIDER MONKEY: sybau 🖕🖕

[November 2, 6:45 P.M.]

gunslinger: Mike put down your phone at the table. Mom is mad

SPIDER MONKEY: lmao L + ratskfnanj

token straight: *ratio

gunslinger: Mom grabbed their phone mid sentence

token straight: LMAOO lets send him some freaky notifs

gigachad: cum

gigachad:  and balls

el enchanted: HAWK TUA!!! ☺️☺️☺️

token straight: dicks dicks dicks

gigachad: character AI <333

edward cullen: mike is my babygirl

token straight: FUCK CONDOMS ‼️‼️‼️

SPIDER MONKEY: love you too guys

gigachad: bro 

SPIDER MONKEY: my mom is quote un quote "sex positive" so i think youre gonna have to try harder to weird her out

SPIDER MONKEY: also dinner is over

SPIDER MONKEY: and will you know i would do anything for you but... babygirl is nearing the line...

skatergirl: bitch you dont have to say quote un quote when you LITERALLY HAVE QUOTATION MARKS

gigachad: also you're  such a simp

skatergirl: yeah youre a simp

token straight: simp!!! 

el enchanted: what is a simp

skatergirl: someone that is overly nice to their partner

el enchanted oh! then mike is a simp!

SPIDER MONKEY: ok well sorry im in a happy healthy relationship with a man i adore 🙄

SPIDER MONKEY: ill try not to be so gay in front of you homophobes

gigachad: gayness is not acceptable /srs

skatergirl: i am feeling particularly socially righteous today so i actually will break up with lucas for being homophobic😡

gigachad: no no!!! I’m kidding. gay ppl are alright

gigachad: ily <333

skatergirl: ...

skatergirl: <3

SPIDER MONKEY: simps.

[November 2, 6:59 P.M.]

SPIDER MONKEY: why is nobody saying simp??

el enchanted: i think… you are the simp mike 🫶🫶

token straight: ooooh get his ass el!

SPIDER MONKEY: okw well i'm a simp and i'm proud 

edward cullen: love youuu ❤️❤️❤️😍😍😍

SPIDER MONKEY: ily moreee ❤️❤️🥰

vodka aunt: i hate gay people.

SPIDER MONKEY: sybau </3

[November 2, 7:15 P.M.]

gigachad: wait if Mike is Bella and Will is Edward...

gigachad: is El... Jacob...?

token straight changed el enchanted's name to loca

loca: what?

token straight: whErE tHe hEll hAvE you BeeN LoCa??? - jacob black

vodka aunt: NOOOO DONT BESTOW THAT ON HER :((

skatergirl: bro she is soo far above him </333

token straight: you're right sorry 💔

token straight changed loca's name to Superman

SPIDER MONKEY: fuck you dustin

Superman: yeah fuck you >:(

[November 2, 7:47 P.M.]

edward cullen: off topic but el saying fuck healed me

skatergirl: me tooo

Superman: it is fun >:)

SPIDER MONKEY: el i love you so much /p

Superman: i love you too mike!

SPIDER MONKEY changed Superman's name to ellie 🩷

SPIDER MONKEY changed edward cullen's name to hottie with a body

ellie 🩷: thank you mike :)

hottie with a body: muke...

token straight: lmao muke

SPIDER MONKEY: </3

[November 2, 9:40 P.M.]

ellie 🩷: guys i have a question

ellie 🩷: who are bella jacob and edward? :o

skatergirl: twilight characters

skatergirl: don't watch it

ellie 🩷: why not?

token straight: no el you NEED to watch it

token straight: but like ironically

hottie with a body: i agree theyre so funny

vodka aunt: guyssss im at work i cant have a minor popping up in my notifs as "hottie with a body" 😭🥀💔

vodka aunt changed hottie with a body's name to alpha

SPIDER MONKEY: robinnnn how could you change itttt 

SPIDER MONKEY: thats so homophobicccc

vodka aunt: sorry twink </3

alpha: robin why alpha

vodka aunt: ur literally so buff wdym

SPIDER MONKEY: can confirm 👍

gigachad: yeah he's so swole fr

skatergirl: i just lost all attraction to lucas for saying that

skatergirl: will can you date me instead

alpha: no, i call lucas you can date muke

SPIDER MONKEY: yeah come here bbg 😼

skatergirl: EW EW EW EW EW 

vodka aunt: rofl

token straight: bro nobodys said rofl in like ten years

alpha changed their name to bob ross

vodka aunt: ky,s

Dad: robin stop threatening minors

Chapter Text

New Chat

[November 6, 09:04 A.M.]

Mike added Jonathan,El, and 3 others

Mike: I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL SOMEBODY

Mike: SOMEONG FUCKING SPRAWY PAINTED THE WORD "ZOMBIEBOY" ON WILLS LOCKER

Max: no fucking way

Mike: YES FUCKING WAY

Mike: [image]

Mike: on litherally NOVEMBER 6 OF ALL GODDANM DAYS

Mike: i'm literaly fumin gh right now

Mike: i'm going to beat up whoiever the hell did this

Dustin: what the fuck?????

Lucas: okay I'm going to commit manslaughter

El: i will break someone's nose again >:((((

Max: i will break more than their noses im so serious

Max: i will snap their dicks in half with no hesitation

Dustin: ^^^^

Mike: does anyone know where will is?? i cant find him and im trying to figure out if he's seen it yet

El: he was in my last class

Max: have you texted him

Mike: oh shit i didn't think of that brb

(Private Chat) Will + Mike

[November 6, 9:07 A.M.]

Mike: are you ok?? I cant find you

Will: i'm alright i just went home

Will: i'm really depersonalized today and being at school was making me kinda dizzy

Mike: i'm so sorry :(

Mike: i get that and it sucks

Mike: did jonathan pick you up?

Will: yeah

Will: i'll be fine though

Mike: im gonna skip and come stay with you

Will: are you sure?? you dont have to

Mike: no i want to

Mike: unless u dont want me to

Will: no i always want you to 

Will: i love you

Mike: love you more <33

The Wheelers

[November 6, 9:20 P.M.]

Mike: can you call and sign me out of school so I can go to will's?? it's urgent

Karen: Sure, baby. Just remember to make up your work today. 🥰

Mike: i will, thanks mom

New Chat

[November 6, 09:25 A.M.]

Mike: hey i just left so i wont be at lunch

Mike: i'm going to will's house, he's at home

El: tell him we love him <3

Mike: yeah ofc

5 people liked a message: “tell him we love him <3

The Banquet

[November 6, 11:23 A.M.]

gigachad: hey we just got to lunch

gigachad: @Will @Mike what are you guys doing??

emo: i made geilled cheese and now we are watcging dimension 20

emo: well technically i am watvhing dimension 20 but will fell aslrep

ellie 🩷: aww i love seeing will aslrep 😊 /joking!

skatergirl: what the hell is wrong with your spelling 

emo: sorry im kimda high

token straight: ????

emo: jon gavbe us weed to relax

skatergirl: is that helping

emo: yeah will calmed doen a lot

emo: hes aslso like really clingy

emo: its weird becus usually id be super overstumulayrd about it

emo: but i think the drugs are making me okay with it 

emo: and also i dont have much coortdinayin right now

emo: this shits nice but weird 

gigachad: Nancy was okay with this??

gunslinger: I'd rather them do it when I'm here rather than at a party or something

gunslinger: And I trust Jonathan

gigachad: lmao I love the assumption that Mike would ever go to a party

gunslinger: Fair

gunslinger: But Jon barely gave them any, mike just has shit tolerance

emo: sybau 💔

[November 6, 12:06 P.M.]

emo: aw nancee

emo: you woke up will

gunslinger: It wasn't me 

gunslinger: It was my partner

Jonathan: i fell off the bed :(

Jonathan: sorry for waking up will

emo: he says its fine

emo: we're gonna go back to the show now

gigachad: love you guys!

skatergirl: love you will <3

emo: what about me

skatergirl: No 😇

emo:  🖕🖕🖕

(Private Chat) El + Jonathan

[November 6, 3:12 P.M.]

El: you do not have to pick me up

El: lucas is dropping me off at home

Jonathan: tell him i said thanks :)

El: i will!!

(Private Chat) El + Will

[November 6, 3:13 P.M.]

El: how are you doing?

Will: a little better

Will: i feel bad that everyones worried about me

El: aw don't feel bad!!

El: we love you and we just want you to be happy

Will: i know

Will: ive talked about it with mike for a while but

Will: i just feel like a burden yk

Will: like people went through so much to find me and i haven't done enough in return

Will: they should have just not tried to find me

El: will i would have done anything to save you 🩷

El: my life would be so much worse if you weren't here

El: i know everyone feels the same way

Will: i dont feel like they do :(

Will: also mike wants to make it known to you that they said thats not true 

El: yeah listen to mike!!!! we both love you so much 🩷🩷

El: and i have an idea

The Banquet

[November 6, 3:16 P.M.]

ellie 🩷: guys text my brother nice things!

ellie 🩷: no questions just do it

token straight: oml will you were my first ever friend and i appreciate you so much

token straight: mike was a little territorial bitch back when i came in 3rd grade and if it werent for you reaching out i wouldnt be friends with you guys so i appreciate it so much

skatergirl: youre one of the most genuine people ive ever met and it aDadishes me how you manage to stay so kind and loving when youve been though so much shit

skatergirl: its admirable

gigachad: uh mine isnt going to be that eloquent becaus im driving but..

gigachad: youre literally the nicest persn ever

gigachad: and the bravest

gigachad: and i look up to you so much

vodka aunt: will, you re who i aspire to be when i grow up ❤️

jom: i love you so muchhhh

jom: you are the best younger brother ever

ellie 🩷: nothing i could say would ever put into words how much i love and appreciate you!!

ellie 🩷: you helped give me a real home and a family, and i love you!!!!!!

bob ross: guys im crying /pos

token straight: GOOD

token straight: YOU ARE THE BEST!!!

bob ross: thank you 😭

bob ross: you guys are great too

emo: we love you <3

5 people have liked a message: “we love you <3”

(Private Chat) Will + El

[November 6, 3:20 P.M.]

Will: thank you el <3

Will: i love you sm

El: of course will!!

El: 🩷🩷

Will: 🩷🩷

Chapter Text

The Banquet

[November 10, 7:30 P.M.]

ellie 🩷: [image]

ellie 🩷: we ate dinner and we are binging httyd

ellie 🩷: will and mike are being cute :)

bob ross: wow outing us in main chat i cant believe you 

gigachad: Aw I love to see my two faves being gay <3

ellie 🩷: ew astrid just kissed hiccup and now mike and will are kissing

ellie 🩷: gross

vodka aunt: barfffffff

skatergirl: clingy bitches

bob ross: sybau 

bob ross: how about YOU try pining over your best friend silently for 12 years and NOT being clingy when you finally start dating 😤

emo: yeah fr

skatergirl: theres no excuses for being gross and annoying 🙄

emo: HOMOPHOBE!!! 🖕🖕🖕

skatergirl: SLUR !!! 🗣️🔥🔥🤮🤮🤮

[November 10, 7:57]

vodka aunt: speaking of httyd does anyone remember rotbtd

emo: YES OML

emo: hijack was PEAK to my 12 year old self

token straight: YOU WERE A HICCUP X JACK FROST  SHIPPER AND IM JUST NOW FINDING THS OUT

emo: yeah i wrote a lot of fanfiction

gigachad: why didn't you tell us???

emo: i was closeted and i had internalized homophobia.???

emo: what else do you expect of me?

skatergirl: yeah none of this surprises me

vodka aunt: umm mike wanna drop your ao3 @??? 😊😊

emo: fuck no

emo: besides i panicked and deleted that one when i was 13 and realized that straight dudes don't write gay fanfiction

vodka aunt: lmaoooooo

bob ross: my biggest flex is that i got to read mike's fanfic before it got deleted

gigachad: oh so WILL got to read the Hijack fanfiction and I didnt???

bob ross: tbf the only reason i did is bc i saw it on their laptop one day when i was at their house and then made them let me read it

emo: yeah lucas i dont think you understand just how down bad i was at that age

emo: when i was 12 will could have told me to put my arm in a blender and i would have done it without hesitation

emo: i mean i still would but at least now i acknowledge that its because im gay for him and not just because we're ✨besties✨

gigachad: simp

emo: lucas you literally cannot talk 

gigachad: 🎀🎀

token straight: mike, be honest, how much smut was there

emo: i was 12 dustin

token straight: that answers nothing

emo: NONE!!! 😭 

token straight: will?

bob ross: tbh the only part i actually remember was a super romantically charged scene of the characters  on a swingset talking about how they were gonna be friends forever or something

bob ross: mostly i remember that because i was so flattered over the fact that mike used an actual real life conversation WE HAD as inspiration in their writing

vodka aunt: g a y

bob ross: yeah 💔

emo: yeah 💔 

bob ross: anyway all that is to say that if mike had showed me gay smut at the age of 12 id probably remember

emo: yeah but also if i HAD written any gay smut as a 12 year old with internalized homophobia, even baby will would not be able to tear that shit from my cold dead hands

emo: BUT I DIDNT SO IT DOESNT MATTER.

skatergirl: i wish i could judge mike for this but i cant because i was low key a diehard mavunzel shipper

skatergirl: and i still am 

emo: touche

[November 10, 8:16 P.M.]

amERICA: JELSA FTW 🗣️🔥🔥

gigachad: GET OUT OF OUR CHAT ANKLE BITER 🗣️🔥🔥

amERICA: I WOULD RATHER DIE BITCH 🗣️🔥🔥

gigachad: 🖕🖕🖕🖕

amERICA:🖕🏿🖕🏿🖕🏿🖕🏿🥀🥀🥀💔💔💔

token straight: ladies ladies theres enough of me to go around

amERICA: YIU ARENT A PART OF THIS HENDERSON

gigachad: YEAH SYBAU DYSTIN

token straight: damnn ok

amERICA: ALSO I AM A MINOR 🤮🤮🤮🤮

amERICA: P€DO 🤢🤢🤢

token straight: IM NOT A PEH DO 😭😭😭

vodka aunt: stop talking to my daughter you pedo!!!

token straight: brb gonna go cry

[November 10, 8:40]

ellie 🩷: guys what is hijack? and what is rotbtd???

skatergirl: oh el

emo: we have so much to teach you

bob ross: it's this thing called rise of the brave tangled dragons

bob ross: its like a mix of rise of the guardians, brave, tangled, and how to train your dragon

bob ross: it was really popular when we were literal children

bob ross: but we were able to catch the tail end of it

ellie 🩷: ooh i love those movies!!

ellie 🩷: thanks will

bob ross: ofc ellie <3

[November 10, 10:17 P.M.]

gigachad: wait WHY IS ERICA IN THIS CHAT

vodka aunt: do we have to have this conversation every goddamn time 

amERICA: i refuse to answer my brothers question

gigachad: ERICA DO YOU /WANT/ ME TO GIVE THEM YOUR TUMBLR USER??? 😡😡

amERICA: DO YOU /WANT/ ME TO TELL THEM EHATS UNDER YOUR BED 🙄🧐🧐🧐🤮🤮🤮

gigachad: touche

token straight: whats under his bed

amERICA: cant tell, sibling code 🫡

gigachad: 🫡

token straight: i fuckin hate you guys /srs

amERICA: 🫶🏿

gigachad: ❤️❤️

Chapter Text

The Banquet

[November 12, 7:36 A.M.]

token straight: guys musical tryouts are today 🗣️🔥🔥🔥‼️‼️‼️

emo: unfortunately 😮‍💨

emo: kms.

vodka aunt: wait mike are you in theater???

emo: fuck no

emo: i do lights

emo: and the teacher needs me there for auditions too

Dad: but you sing so well??

emo: yes?? and? max has a hella good voice but you dont see her in theater 😭

skatergirl: yeah fuckkkk no

skatergirl: if i wanted to sing id join a band not become a theater kid

token straight: dude wait you and mike should start a band

vodka aunt: yeah

vodka aunt: you play guitar right?? and mike does something??

emo: i mean... we could...?

skatergirl: no.

emo: okay then. :(

[November 12, 9:05 A.M.]

gigachad: what's the play gonna be Dustin?

token straight: *musical

token straight: and its little shop of horrors 🎀

vodka aunt: nicee

token straight: yeah im hyped

vodka aunt: dustin i think youre the only theater kid in the whole school thats straight

emo: nah theres j*mes

Dad: why the censoring

emo: hes mega homophobic 

emo: he got all mad about the "gay or european" song being in legally blonde last year and his parents tried to get the school into trouble because we were "promoting satanist themes"

token straight: yeah our theater director was pissed off about that

gigachad: how can you be a homophobic theater kid

token straight: idk but we all hate him lmaoo

vodka aunt: the homophobic ppl are always the gayest bc wdym me and vickie holding hands is making you emotional 😍😍

bob ross: fr they are just jealous 

ellie 🩷: who are you going to be dustin?

token straight: i want to be audrey 2

skatergirl: isnt that the plant

token straight: yeah but hes cool and has a shit ton of lines 

token straight: also i know marissa is trying out for the human audrey and being named after her would be iconic

ellie 🩷: marissa!! 😊

skatergirl: i love marissa shes so cool

Dad: who is marissa

gigachad: omllll

gigachad: i have such a fun story about marissa

bob ross: LUCAS

gigachad: will turned her gay 

bob ross: NO I DIDNT YOU LIAR 😭

jom: what

vodka aunt: LMFAO ELABORATE???

gigachad: she danced with will at the snow ball in like 7th grade

gigachad: turns out shes like a full on fem lesbian now

bob ross: ok guys i didnt TURN HER gay she was already gay 😭

bob ross: why else do you think she chose to dance with ME

skatergirl: she really smelled the homo from a mile away

bob ross: true

[November 12, 9:45 A.M.]

emo: i have beef with marissa

emo: every time i see her i think about how she stole will from me that night 😞😞

skatergirl: bitch you invited el

bob ross: yeah you were the one that broke MY Heart 💔