Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Izuku Midoriya had always wanted to be a hero.

No, “wanted” wasn’t strong enough of a word.

He longed, he ached, to be a hero.

But the world wasn’t kind enough to give that to him.

He couldn’t count how many nights he had laid awake and begged the universe to let the doctor be wrong about him. That one day he’d wake up with a quirk, and he could help change the world just like All Might did.

Izuku doesn’t hope for a quirk anymore. He knows that he’ll never get one. He knows that he doesn’t deserve one.

Now, as he rolled over in his bed, his ceiling fan humming quietly, his only thoughts were about how he’d burdened others throughout his life. How could he have ever believed that he could be a hero? His mom had to suffer the curse of having a quirkless kid, and his childhood best friend couldn’t even stand to look at him after he got a power and Izuku ended up with nothing. He was Izuku’s bully now. “And he’s right about everything. I’m worthless. I’m nothing.” He thought. If he couldn’t make even his mother happy, he shouldn’t expect to be anyone worth caring about. The best thing for him to do was to stop existing.

He pulled his blankets tighter around himself and squinted his eyes shut. He needed to sleep. Sleep would stop him from thinking. Sleep would stop him from feeling this way. He wished that he could just sleep the rest of his life.

He finally drifted off, and was comforted by dreams where he was just as strong as All Might and he was finally useful.

Chapter Text

Izuku woke up that morning feeling just as terrible. He wondered if anybody at school would miss him if he skipped that day. “Or if I just disappeared completely.” He added mentally. He didn’t want to disappoint his mom even further though, so he rolled out of bed, pulled on the last clean uniform he had, and splashed some cold water on his face.

He avoided looking at his reflection as best as he could. He hated having to see how empty his eyes were, the way they had been drained of light and had dark undercircles painted beneath. But he hated everything about himself. So his eyes weren't anything special, really.

After checking that he had everything he needed, he stepped out the door and followed his feet the entire way to school.

He sat as quietly as possible in class, begging that no attention would be brought to him whatsoever. That seemed to be going successfully until. . . “Alright class, since it’s Friday, the weekend gives you perfect time to start thinking about your futures! I would do some career tests, but I already know you all want to go to the hero track!” The teacher announced. The whole class cheered and flashed their quirks.

“Don’t lump me in with any of these losers! I’m the only one here who stands a chance of getting into any major school. I’m gonna go to U.A. High and everyone in the world is gonna know my name!” Katsuki shouted, standing on a desk.

“Hey Midoriya, don’t you want to go to U.A. too?” one of his classmates asked, snickering behind their hand.

Izuku’s eyes widened and his stomach plummeted. “I. . .Uh. . .”

“You think you’re good enough to get into the same school as me?” Katsuki turned to stare Izuku down.

“Well I just thought that maybe I should try. . . even if I don’t have a quirk, I could still help people!” Izuku couldn’t get his breathing to slow down, and his heart started to ache. Of course he knew he wasn’t good enough. He thought about how he wasn’t good enough every day.

His skin crawled at the prolonged eye contact with Katsuki, his hateful stare burning into the deepest parts of his being and making him wither even more. What was wrong with throwing in an application? He just wanted to take a stab at his dream before he gave up forever. There’s nothing to lose if you already know you’re going to lose, right?

“This school already sucks, and you want to make it look even worse when you fail miserably at the entrance exam? That’s the evilest scheme I’ve ever heard! Maybe you should look for a villain school instead Deku!” Katsuki smirked as the class laughed around him.

Izuku cowered into his book bag, trying to make himself as small as possible. When was class going to end??

. . .

When the bell rang, Izuku slipped away quietly and went to the courtyard. Out of habit, he took out his hero notebook and hastily scribbled down what he remembered about the hero fight he had seen on his way to school. He started muttering to himself. “The two managed to both take credit for capturing the villain, though it was the tree guy who was able to get ahold of him. What was his name again?. . .”

A cold shiver down his spine made him stop in his tracks and turn around slowly to see his worst fear. 10 yards away, coming closer by the second, was Katsuki, and his friends. They were headed straight towards him.

Izuku froze. He swallowed down the whimper that was threatening to leak out and tried to square his shoulders as they met with him.

Before he could say anything, Katsuki quickly pulled his hero notebook out of his hands. “What’s this you got here? A diary? What a damn nerd!”

“Give it back!” Izuku cried. He jumped to try to grab it, but stopped when his sleeve started sliding down, fear flashing through him. He quickly grabbed his arm and let Katsuki turn away from him.

Katsuki started flipping through the carefully organized pages, his expression twisting in disgust. “You really need to give this up.” He said, then he dropped it into the fish pond.

Izuku watched as each page took on water and the ink began to smudge. He would have cried right there, if he wasn’t already so numb to the bullying.

Katsuki turned to taunt him more, eyeing Izuku's defensive pose. “Why are you holding your arm like that loser? Got something to hide?” He reached toward Izuku, tugging on his sleeve.

“Stop it Kacchan!” He cried.

“Why should I?” Katsuki taunted. He pulled harder.

“I said STOP!”

He punched Katsuki square in the face, making him stumble and release his grip on Izuku.
Katsuki’s eyes flared with anger, his fists clenched up. He shouted, forcing his hand forward and making an explosion right by Izuku’s face. He squinted his eyes shut, hoping he didn’t get burned.

The fire didn’t touch him. He only felt a rush of heat.

“Let that be a reminder who has the actual power here. I thought you’d put up more of a fight. But I guess you finally understand that you’ll never be a hero.” Katsuki chuckled to himself as he walked away. He tilted his head to say one last attack.

“I have another idea of how you can be a hero. Pray that you get a really good quirk in your next life, and then swan dive off the roof of the building!” With that, he finally left Izuku alone.

Izuku fell to his knees, tears quietly falling down his freckled cheeks. He pulled his notebook out of the fish pond, and shook off the water. Then, after a deep breath, he stood and walked away. His eyes still staring at nothing.

. . .

Once Izuku’s body started moving, his mind did, too, and he decided to take the long walk home to get his thoughts sorted out.

Kacchan was a jerk. But he wasn’t wrong. Why should he waste his time being alive when he can’t even achieve his dream? It would just be misery to stay. If he killed himself, maybe then he would be put at peace. He wouldn’t have to suffer anymore.

Not that he thought he deserved that easy way out. He'd earned all the pain that’s come his way. Honestly, he should suffer even more than he currently did in his life.

Izuku absentmindedly rubbed the arm that Katsuki had grabbed earlier. He knew that if any of them had seen it, it would make his life even harder, make the bullying even worse.

He pulled up his sleeve a couple inches, just to remind himself of what was there. Small white scars raked up and down his wrist and forearm. There were matching ones on his other arm. He touched them gently, thinking about how even these weren’t enough. He needed to be hurt even more, that was his only way of bringing justice to his transgression of being the way he was.

Kacchan should have actually burned him. Then maybe he would stop being so pathetic.

Of course, Izuku’s thought about suicide before. He’s thought about it a lot, actually. He was capable of killing himself. The only thing holding him back was. . . what was holding him back? His mom? She’d be better off without him. The few friends he’d made online wouldn’t know, and they’d move on really fast. They don’t even have his real name. Kacchan definitely doesn’t care. He’s the one who suggested he jump.

Who would actually miss Izuku Midoriya if he ended his life tomorrow?

He eyed the buildings as they came by. “That one would be a good one.” He thought as he passed by a particularly tall apartment building. “No chance of survival. Plus, the view would be nice.”

He slowed his pace and came to a stop. How fucked up. Analyzing places by how good they’d be to jump from. He was mumbling about this the way he did about the heroes he studied. The way he’d caught himself off guard, it made him wonder if that’s how other people felt when he started doing that.

He looked back to the apartment. Should he do it right now? Why shouldn’t he do it right now? Was he that much of a coward?

“Kacchan would be upset if I did it right now. He’d blame himself. I can’t hold him back from being the top hero.” He told himself. He’d have to wait. He had some things he needed to do first, anyway. What if there was still a slight chance he could make it into U.A. and be a hero? He had to see before he completely gave up on his dream. He should give a decision like this time. Just in case.

“I’m not going to die today.”

As he rounded a corner, the smell of sulfur and rotting wood forced its way into his nostrils, making his eyes water. He started to cough uncontrollably.

Before he could take stock of his situation, someone, no, something made out of a disgusting green sludge took hold of his body. “You’ll do for now.” It said to him in a terrible voice.

Then it forced itself into his mouth. He shuddered and struggled, but he couldn’t breathe. His limbs started moving without his control, his voice saying things that he didn’t want to say. “Stop struggling. It takes longer when you struggle.” It said through him.

“I’m gonna die!” Izuku thought, his vision blurring as tears formed in the corners of his eyes.

Didn’t he want this? Why was he fighting so bad if he was planning his death anyway? Sure, he wanted to settle some things first, but that didn’t really matter that much. Maybe he should listen to it and stop struggling. He always thought he deserved more pain, well this was the most painful death anyone could ever experience. The lack of oxygen was starting to make him faint, his chest hurt so bad he thought it could explode. He didn’t even have control over his own body.

That was when he finally decided to stop trying. He closed his eyes. “I’m sorry mom. I was never strong enough.” As he began to lose consciousness, he swore he could hear All Might’s laugh. He smiled. He was glad that even in death, he could find some sort of comfort.

Chapter Text

When Izuku woke up, his head hurt like it was being stabbed from ten different directions. His body ached with bruises that he was sure to find when he showered later that day.

Wait. He was awake??

He sat up quickly and his ribs stabbed into his stomach. “Augh!” He grunted.

“Glad you’re awake, kid! Try to stay out of trouble next time! As a quirkless civilian such as yourself, you have a much harder time defending yourself, let alone taking on a villain!”

“ALL MIGHT?” Izuku was really awake now, and he scrambled for his notebook to get an autograph. A whole page was already signed. “It’s really you.” He looked back up at All Might, awe overtaking him.

“I looked through that book of yours.” All Might chuckled. “You sure have a smart head on you. You could be a police officer! But leave the hero work to someone capable, you almost got yourself seriously hurt back there!”

“I have so many questions!” Izuku gushed. Now was his chance! He could see if his dreams really were possible, all he had to do was ask the ultimate hero himself!
His hand faltered as he raised it. The things All Might had just told him finally started to register.

“A quirkless person could never take on a villain. Leave the hero work to someone capable. You’d only get yourself hurt.” All Might’s words echoed round and round Izuku’s head, and his legs started to feel like jello.

“I, uh, thank you. I. . . I won’t try to be a hero.”

“It’s no problem m’boy! Now I have to get back to work, stay safe out there!” All Might said, then he launched back into the sky. His laugh was still audible even when he was past Izuku’s vision.

Izuku bowed his head and cried a bit more. He finally made up his mind.

If he couldn’t be a hero in this life, there was only one other option for him.

He was going to kill himself.

. . .

No.1.AllMightFan_Izu: Hey! Are you online?

CrimsonRioterr1: Yup!

No.1.AllMightFan_Izu: Perfect. I was gonna give some of my stuff away and I was wondering if you wanted anything?

CrimsonRioterr1: Maybe? What do you have?

No.1.AllMightFan_Izu: I’ve got some workout equipment. You said you needed some, right? I also have a whole bunch of hero merchandise if you’re collecting something!

CrimsonRioterr1: Sweet! I’d love some workout stuff! It’ll help me man up before the U.A. entrance exam comes around! I think I’ll pass on the hero things though, we both know you only have All Might stuff, and I’m more of a Crimson guy, as you also already know.

No.1.AllMightFan_Izu: Glad I could help.

CrimsonRioterr1: Yeah thanks! Excited to meet you in person at the exam. We could even make it into the same class if we’re lucky. Then we could talk about heroes some more.

No.1.AllMightFan_Izu: Yeah.

Izuku wasn’t going to be there. He was a lifetime away from being there.

. . .

“Izuku, where are your things?”

Izuku hadn’t realised that his mom had crept into his room to watch him clean until she spoke, and he flinched from surprise.

I. . . I gave them away to some friends who could use them.” He said, trying his best to avoid her gaze while he dusted. His room was still messy, but it seemed bare compared to its former self. Half of his things were either already gone or boxed up.

“Your weights? How are you going to be strong enough to apply for U.A.?”

“Mom, I don’t have a quirk. I can’t get into U.A.”

“But, don’t you want to be a hero Izuku?” She said, almost whispering. Izuku could feel his mom’s heart breaking, and his own was weighed down with how much more pain he would cause her.

“I can’t be a hero. But my friend can. That’s why I gave my weights away.”

“But what about your All Might things?” Now her eyes were welling up. “You love All Might.”

“I sold them to a collector for more than I bought them for.” Izuku hated to lie, but if his mom knew that he was actually donating them to a shelter for children, she would catch on. She knew he would never just give away his All Might things, unless. . .

“Oh Izuku!” She buried her face in her hands and sobbed.

Izuku’s nose stung and his eyes watered, but he couldn’t get himself to cry at the sight.

“It’s okay mom.” He said, wrapping his arms around her in a hug. “I’m just growing up.”

“You’re right. Of course you’re different from your younger self. I just, I just wish I could play heroes with him one more time.”

Izuku patted her head, smoothing back her stray hairs. He thought, ‘I love you mom. I’m so sorry for everything. I wish there was a different path for me. You’ve always been there, It’s not your fault I’m this way. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’M SO SORRY.’ But what he told her instead was, “I have to get back to tidying. I’m glad you came to say hi.”

She pulled her head up and looked at Izuku’s face, studying every freckle and crease. He tried to give her a smile to make her feel better, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes.

After frantically searching his eyes for the light that the little boy used to have, she finally gave up trying to find it. She returned the same smile and walked out the door.

She had to leave for work soon, but she was scared to leave Izuku alone. Something wasn’t okay with him. He’d been more and more distant with her, and his room was the last sign that he needed her help. He wouldn’t listen to a mother, but maybe someone he knew better could relate to him and help him get his worries out of the way. As she walked down the hall, she dialed her phone and held it up to her ear.

“Hello?” Came a voice from the other end.
“Hi! It’s Inko.”
“Inko! It’s been so long! You need to come for tea sometime soon!”
“Yes, Yes.” She replied, blushing a little bit at the welcome after so many years. “But, I’m actually calling for a favor today.”
“Anything for my dear Inko!”
“Would you mind sending your son over for a while? I think Izuku needs some company, and I know how close they used to be.”
“Yeah! I need him out of the house for a while anyway, then I’ll finally be able to relax! He’ll be on his way in five!”
“Thank you so much! I’ll have to repay you later.”
“Your friendship is payment enough dummy!”

Inko chuckled. “Goodbye, Mitsuki.”

Chapter Text

An incredibly loud knock startled Izuku out of the nap he was taking. On the floor. He was curled up as if he was in his bed, as cozy as you could be when the only source of heat you have is cold hardwood and a rug for a pillow. He didn't remember falling asleep, or what even woke him up in the first place, which was strange. Most of the time he remembers every torturous second of his night time ruminating up until he loses consciousness. It could be the fact that it was the middle of the day, though. He doesn't normally take naps.

He knew that sometimes people forget things until they’re fully awake. So he'd probably recall what he was supposed to be doing in a couple minutes.

He'd had a similar experience only a few days ago. He'd woken up feeling mostly okay for once, and then after sitting up, he remembered who he was and what he was going to do in a few days. The realization made his stomach instantly sink back with its usual amount of dread.

Come to think of it, that's what he was feeling right now. Dread. He wondered why. Could it be because he had to push his mom away earlier, and now he felt even worse for hurting her again? Or because maybe he wasn't as sure about his choice as he thought he was? No matter the real reason, the feeling still lingered, making Izuku nauseous.

It's not a fun feeling. But hey, at least he was feeling something, right?

Occasionally for Izuku there were periods where he would be completely numb. Even with outside stimulation, he couldn’t make himself feel.

Izuku thought it was funny how contradictory he was as a person. He should be grateful for when he's numb. A lot of the time, he can't handle all of the emotions that he has. They hurt too much. The only way he knows to manage them is to push them away. He'll do anything and everything to get rid of them. But then as soon as he finally can't feel anymore, he'll stop at nothing to drag them back, just to feel like a human once more. That was a part of him that he'd never understand.

He wondered what he was forgetting. His mind was still foggy.

BANG!

The front door was being knocked on so violently that it was only a few hits from flinging off of the hinges.

“Right!” Izuku shot to his feet. The door! Someone was at the door! He sprinted down the hall to answer it.

“Who’s there?”

“Let me in you fucking nerd!”

Was that Kacchan? What was Kacchan doing here?

Izuku didn’t care how mean he seemed right then. How dare he disturb his peace in the last place that Kacchan hasn’t burned away from him? Was he really going to make him suffer until the very end?

“What the hell are you doing here Kacchan?” Izuku gritted through his teeth.

“That’s not a nice way to talk to a guest! Your mom invited me, idiot! She said you needed company. How much of a loser are you to be all alone on a Saturday?”

“If I'm such a loser for being by myself, then why are you alone too? Where are your friends Kacchan?”

Silence on the other side of the door said everything Izuku needed to know. “I see. They’re only your friends when they have to be. At school. Or else you’ll blow them up.”

“Damn right I’d blow them up! I don’t need those bastards.” Katsuki blurted. “Now let me in. Please.” He added extra emphasis on the p.

“I’m not your friend either. Just because my mom asked you over doesn't mean you have to actually show up.” Izuku pointed out.

“I can’t go home. My mom won’t let me. I think we’d both be in big trouble if you don’t let. Me. IN!” He kicked the door.

“Okay fine! Just, shut up.” Izuku muttered.

As soon as Izuku took off the latch, Katsuki barged in, not even bothering to take his shoes off. “Your mom said she made some sandwiches. Your ‘favorite kind’. Better be good or I’m shoving it down your throat.”

“Oh, really?” Izuku whispered, losing his courage once Katsuki was actually near him. He didn’t realize his mom still knew his favorite kind of sandwich.

He forgot how much attention she tried to give him. He hadn’t been speaking to her as often. Most of the time when he got back from school he went straight to his room. If his mom was home from work, he’d wave at her and then walk past her. He felt guilty about it now. But still, she was thinking of him. She cared. He held his hand up to his chest and clenched it. He was such an awful person for what he was planning. But the fact that he was an awful person was exactly why he had to follow through.

“Hey loser! Are you gonna fucking eat one or not?” Katsuki yelled from the kitchen. He took a bite and then screamed, “PEANUT BUTTER? A fucking plain peanut butter sandwich is your FAVORITE? Do you have zero taste buds???!!!”

Izuku took a deep breath. Kacchan couldn’t hurt him here. He wouldn’t. Even if he did, Izuku knew that this time, he’d be able to take it. He’d stand up for himself and speak up.

Despite all of the terrible things he’s done, Izuku still cared about Katsuki. Maybe this was his chance to get an apology, or at least some sort of closure before he . . . before he did it.

“Peanut butter is my favorite and you’re going to eat it!”

“Whatever.” Katsuki sneered. It only took him two more giant bites to get it all down.

Izuku watched him intently, trying to analyze him. He wanted to see past his barriers, to see if Kacchan really did feel sorry.

Katsuki made eye contact and twisted up his face in disgust. “Stop watching me! Do I have to add “Creep” to the list of things wrong with you, Deku?”

“No. S-sorry.” Izuku looked back down at his plate. His confidence somehow went into the negatives after that comment. After years and years of bullying, Izuku still hoped that maybe Kacchan was a good person deep down. That he would make a good hero. But he was starting to become more sure that he didn’t regret a single word he had ever said to Izuku.

He couldn’t just give up on his chance for closure though.

“You like All Might, right?” Izuku asked, still keeping his gaze on the table.

“I don’t just like All Might, I’m gonna be better than him!”

“So, would you like some All Might merch then?”

Katsuki coughed, clearly shocked at the sudden offer. He never expected any kindness from Deku, and yet he got nothing but kindness. It pissed him off.

“Yeah whatever! Let me see what you have! I’m sure I’ve got it all already though,”

Izuku led him down the hall to his room. The creaking of the floorboards as Katsuki followed behind him made him feel like he was going to get stabbed in the back like one of those old scary movies, and he had to swallow down his fear. He wished he could just lock himself in his room and wait for Kacchan to go away, but he was too nice for that, damn it.

When he opened the door, he could feel Katsuki’s surprise behind him.

“Why’s it so . . . empty?” Katsuki asked, suddenly dropping his tone to turn more serious.

“I’m just cleaning up, getting rid of stuff I don’t need.” Izuku quickly lied. He walked to his bed and pulled a box out from under it, labelled “All Might”. He took the lid off and gestured for Katsuki to come in and look inside.

Katsuki really did change his demeanor. As he carefully stepped in, he was the one who seemed scared. Izuku felt slightly proud of how he’d made him lose his arrogant front, but he also knew that it would come at a cost, which was him getting even louder and meaner once he came back to his senses.

Katsuki peered into the box, his eyebrows raising at the sheer amount of All Might things that were in there. So many figures, posters, cards, stickers, mugs, and books, it made his eyes hurt. Then Izuku pulled out four more boxes from under his bed that were ALSO filled with anything All Might. “What the hell Deku? Why do you have so much shit?!” He raised his voice, and for the first time, he noticed Izuku flinching. He closed his mouth, and turned his attention back to the boxes to make himself feel less awkward.

Was that guilt on his face? Izuku couldn’t believe it. Kacchan looked guilty for yelling.

“So, what are you going to do with all of this stuff?” Katsuki asked, shoving his hands into his pockets.

“I’m donating it.”

Katsuki choked. “You’re. . . donating this?”

“Yes.”

“What’s wrong with you? Aren’t you obsessed with heroes?”

“Yeah, but it’s not like I’m gonna ever be a hero, so I might as well clear my stuff out. Oh yeah, I’m not going to try for U.A. either, by the way, so you don’t have to worry about me embarrassing the entire school.” Izuku responded, adding that last statement to dig into Katsuki’s clear discomfort.

Katsuki frowned. “I. . .” He raised his hand to. . . comfort him, maybe? He wasn’t completely sure why he reached out, but when he once again noticed the flash of fear in Izuku’s eyes, he redirected his hand to his mouth and cleared his throat. “Good. You, uh, you would be better off doing something else, anyway.” Shit. He didn’t expect the nerd to actually give up on his life dream. Why did he feel bad? No, he didn’t feel bad. He shouldn’t feel bad. Deku was a loser, he should know he’s not worthy of being at U.A.. Katsuki was obviously superior, that’s why he’d pushed the message into Deku’s head over and over that he wasn’t good enough. Still, for some reason Katsuki felt inclined to actually talk to the nerd for once. He scoffed at himself. Then, sitting on Izuku’s bed he dared to ask,“So, uh, what made you like All Might so much?”

Izuku raised an eyebrow. He hadn’t seen this side of Kacchan since, well, he’d never seen this side of Kacchan. But he decided to play along. Even if he was just trying to find a new way to tease him, it was nice to see him try to open up. Closure. Izuku wanted closure. It seemed like it was more in reach than he first thought. He sat down on the bed next to Katsuki, keeping his gaze focused on his feet.

“Well, he’s always thinking about others. He makes everybody he saves happy. That's why I want-” Izuku let out a grunt. “I mean, wanted- to be a hero. I wanted to save people with a smile on my face, and make them feel safe, like everything was gonna be okay.”

“Nice.” Katsuki said awkwardly. “All Might. . . inspires me too. He never loses. I’m going to be just like that. No matter who I face. I will win.”

“You’re going to be an amazing hero, Kacchan.”

Katsuki got flustered, and he forgot to be mean. “You would have been even better.” He let slip. He gasped loudly, covering his mouth with both hands. Since when did he think so highly of fucking Deku? This was out of character for him. How did he say that?? Both people in the room were shocked at the comment.

Izuku’s mouth hung open for only a second before he clamped it shut again. He felt heat rush to his face, and his eyebrows furrowed. His heart was pierced with a razor sharp arrow. “Oh, I get it now.” He stood, eyes locked on the wall, and clenched his fists. His knuckles turned ghost white, the same shade that Katsuki’s face also paled to. “This is a new trick of yours. Trying to get me to trust you again, just for you to hurt me even worse!” He raised his voice, but it cracked as he started to lose his composure. He didn’t want to start crying, especially in front of Katsuki, but he couldn’t stop the tears from slipping out and rolling down his cheeks.

Izuku hated himself for thinking that Kacchan would be nice to him for even a second. Closure? That would never happen. Not in this life. But he didn’t expect him to be this cruel. Telling him for years how worthless he was, that he was nothing more than ‘stupid fucking Deku’ and then going and saying this? Izuku wished that he just told him to kill himself again. At least that was something he could handle, Kacchan was the one who reminded him of the option in the first place. Did he know? Did Kacchan figure out what he was gonna do and decide to be even more mean by trying to make him regret it? He was trying to make him feel BAD! Well, he refuses to feel bad. He wasn’t going to change his mind. Kacchan wouldn’t win. His words don’t hold any power to him. Not anymore.

But if they didn’t affect him, then why was he so upset? And why was he still standing there, crying?

“You don’t get to tell me what to do anymore!” Izuku spat, shakily pointing right in Katsuki’s wide eyed face. “I don’t know how you can live with yourself, after being so evil to me! Do you know how much I’ve hurt because of you? Because I’m not good enough? Because I’m just stupid fucking DEKU? Don’t go trying to pull this on me, I know that it’s just another lie. I don’t care about you anymore Katsuki! No matter what you do or say, you will never hurt me again!”

And Izuku meant it. He turned and walked out of the room.

Katsuki sat in shock. Deku had just crashed out, and then didn’t even let him get a word in before he walked away. What a dickhole.

Even stranger, Deku didn’t call him ‘Kacchan’. He called him Katsuki. He never calls him Katsuki.

He was never nice to Deku. And he just had a whole conversation with him. What the fuck was happening today? Whatever it was, he was getting seriously weirded out.

He heard the front door of the apartment slam shut.

“Did he just walk out?” Katsuki rolled his eyes. Where would the nerd even go? He relaxed back onto the bed. Whatever, he could go pout, it wasn’t any of his fucking business.

A small voice in the back of his head, maybe his conscience, started to whisper to him. He didn’t pay attention to it at first, but then he was struck with fear at two words:

The roof.

He was on his feet and running before he could think. His body moved on its own, taking him out the door and up the stairs as fast as humanly possible.

. . .

Izuku looked down over the edge, swallowing. Five stories wasn’t a lot, but if he landed right, it would work. He’d done his research. This was enough height.

What if his mom saw his body?

He quickly shook that thought out of his head. He wasn’t backing out now. He had to do this. Once he was dead, he wouldn’t have to worry about things like that.

He wished that he had hugged his mom a little bit tighter. He didn’t realize that goodbye would be coming so soon. But he couldn’t stand to be around for even a second longer.

He took a deep breath. He put one foot on the ledge, then the other. He slowly extended his legs so that he could stand upright. He looked around at the other buildings before fixing his eyes on the ground. “The view could have been better. Oh well.”

“Wait!” Katsuki shouted, opening the door to the roof.

Izuku paused, but didn’t look back. He smiled to himself, then said, “Maybe I’ll see you in my next life.” He stepped forward, embracing nothing but air.

“IZUKU!” Katsuki screamed. He was too late to stop him.

Katsuki dropped to his knees, shock, horror, and regret rushing through him and choking him. “I’m sorry.” He whispered. “For everything.”

Chapter Text

“A number of broken bones, and some head trauma. . . lucky the damage wasn’t worse. . . not sure when he would wake up. . .”

Inko Midoriya stared down the hall, at the door slightly cracked open, not completely able to focus on the nurse. His voice was a hum against her ears.

She had a warm, heavy blanket wrapped around her, “To help with the shock you’re experiencing from the situation,” They’d explained when they draped it carefully across her shoulders. It wasn’t helping. Not one bit. Still, she pulled it tighter.

Her arms and legs trembled, her surroundings shifted and warped around her.
Her little Izuku. Why would he do this? Why didn’t she notice? Why didn’t she help him?
He wouldn’t have lived if she hadn’t. . . Oh god, he wouldn’t have lived. If she was even a second later, he would be dead right now.

She closed her eyes and tried to count her breathing. The last thing she needed right now was more anxiety draining her energy and messing up her thinking. He’s alive. He’s safe. Stop freaking out.

“Ma’am?”

Inko snapped back into reality, whipping her head away from Izuku’s hospital room and looking at the doctor.

“What about you, are you okay? You’ve overexerted yourself too much. Honestly, I don’t think you should even be standing.”

“I’m fine. I just want Izuku to be okay.” Her eyes welled up with tears. “I. . .should have. . . held on longer.”

Her legs buckled.

. . .

Only a few hours before, when Inko left the apartment, she couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong. She called a friend in to keep Izuku company, but she was still so worried. She’d never seen him this apathetic, and when she stumbled across him getting rid of his All Might things, she knew it was a bigger problem than just some homework stress.

Her stomach clenched. Would he really be okay? Was leaving him alone the right decision? What if he needed to talk to her? She promised herself that as soon as she got off of work, she would bring something home for him and they’d have a talk. A real talk.

She paid no attention to her surroundings. Tangled in the bustle of the city, she let the crowds of people guide her path. Her eyes stayed fixed on her feet.

She still was getting pangs of fear in her chest. Her little Izuku. Every thought in her head was about him. As she walked up the stairs to her office, her body froze. She found that she couldn’t step any further. Every time she tried to move, her heart would jump to her throat. Maybe she should go home right now. Maybe he needed help with his room. “He needs me more than I need this job.” She turned around, and ran.

. . .

Out of breath, her chest heaving up and down, Inko finally approached the apartment she left her favorite son in. Her lungs ached, her muscles screamed at her, yet she kept walking. She pictured the smile he would get on his face when he realized she got home early and she felt warm, her whole body reminding her how much she loved her son. “I made the right choice.”

“Oh my god! He’s going to jump!” A passerby on the street wailed, pointing up.

Inko flinched, then looked in the direction of their finger. From where she was standing, she couldn’t see much. There was someone standing on the edge of the roof, looking down. They didn’t look that old. They were wearing black, the same black as Izuku’s uniform, and they had green hair that stuck out everywhere. Green. Green hair. GREEN HAIR. “IZUKU!! NO!” She screamed.

Stepping off of the ledge, Izuku was deaf to her cries.
He embraced the air, approaching the ground faster than Inko could think.

So she didn’t think.

Instead, she threw her hands out, and reached towards him with her quirk.

She didn’t know where she found the strength. Her quirk was only powerful enough to bring small objects toward her, but at that moment she somehow encompassed his form, fighting against gravity to slow him down. She couldn’t completely stop him, but now he seemed to be falling in slow motion.

Izuku was only three stories up now. How much longer could she hold on? Memories flashed behind her eyes. Young Izuku’s first steps. His little voice. The games they played. How he never gave up, he always stayed her happy little boy with the biggest smile. She couldn’t lose him. She WOULDN’T lose him.

Every muscle in her body screamed at her to stop. To let go. She barely used her quirk, and she’d never used it this way before. Or course her body would be too weak to maintain it. She grunted. She wasn’t going to let him go. Her legs trembled. Clenching her jaw, she strained against the pain. “Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.” She told herself. “Izuku. Please Izuku.”

A stabbing pain pierced Inko’s skull, and she staggered backward. Her hold on Izuku faltered. He started falling again, only a blink away from hitting the ground. Inko realized what she had done and raced toward his descending silhouette. Tripping on the curb of the sidewalk, her body hit the ground with a thud comparable to the one her son experienced just a few hundred yards away. “No. . .” Voice breaking with sorrow raising up her throat, she extended her arm toward him, then dropped it in defeat.

. . .

“Would it be alright if we asked you a few things about the patient and discussed a treatment plan?”

“Oh, um, yes.” Inko nodded, shifting her gaze from the ground toward the man sitting in front of her.

Presently, she was in a new room, in a different section of the hospital. After some nurses had helped her up from her collapse, they carefully escorted her into here. They were probably already planning on moving her out of the way anyway, and her little show just then inconvenienced them. Somehow she always managed to do everything wrong. ‘You are tired. It’s okay that your body gave out, they’re not mad at you.’ She assured herself, taking a deep breath.

She sank further into her cushioned seat, heavily appreciating the pillows that were piled over it. Her eyes made their way around the room. It was some sort of office, because the man in front of her was sitting behind a large desk. However, the space seemed designed to make people calm and comfortable. If it were a confession booth, it would find much success. In the corner there was a beanbag and a bucket full of all kinds of fidget toys. Near the windowsill there were some succulents that looked happy and healthy. Toward the back was another couch, somehow even more cushy than where she was. The best part of the room, though, was the All Might poster by the door. Autographed in gold metallic marker, Inko knew that it was special.

‘Izuku would get so excited to see that.’ She thought, smiling, then her stomach dropped when she once again remembered why she was in the hospital in the first place.

The man started to speak again, bringing her back to focus. “I’m Dr. Hanazawa,” He said. “I’m in charge of deciding when patients like your son are not only healed physically, but mentally enough to be discharged. Once I learn more information, I can also refer him to a few different programs, if you consent to it. Take as much time as you need to remember details, but just remember that the more we know, the better treatment we can give to him.”

Inko closed her eyes and inhaled, letting the stale air through her nostrils. She willed herself not to tremble.

“I should have noticed sooner. I could have helped him. . .” Her voice broke. Dwelling on what she didn’t do wasn’t going to help. She cleared her throat and tried to start again. “For the past year or so– no – maybe even sooner than then, he’s been so. . . quiet. I remember how he used to be. He was so energetic, and he was always going after what he wanted with so much passion. We even used to play a game where I’d hide under a blanket and he’d pretend to be All Might and ‘save’ me. . .” She was muttering. ‘Stick to the point, Inko!’ She chided herself mentally.

“He hasn’t been very open with me lately. I try to ask him how he feels, and he just tells me that he’s ‘okay’ and then dismisses me. He spends a lot of time alone in his room. I’d noticed how his outlook about things had gotten. . . darker, but I thought that he was just maturing.”

“What do you think was causing this change?” Dr. Hanazawa asked, scribbling onto a small notepad.

“I don’t know, I-” She sucked in quickly. “Actually, I do.”

She was a terrible mother. She ought to slap herself just for the fact she didn’t realize. He’d been dealing with such a heavy burden, it had likely been tearing him apart for years. Maybe even his whole life. And what had she done? She’d given him a hug and then brushed it off. Why did it take THIS for her to connect the dots?

“He’s always wanted to be a hero. I mean, basically his first words were about it. But the thing is, he’s quirkless. Even though it broke him when we found out, he still tried to keep smiling. He even was going to try to apply to U.A. anyway, and chase that dream despite his setbacks. I didn’t expect him to make it in, but I wanted to support him. It could have been his way to get closure and finally accept it. I thought that eventually he would settle for a different way to fulfill that desire. I didn’t realize that it had been tearing him apart like this. . . that him giving up on his dream would mean him giving up on everything.”

“So do you believe that his struggle is more centered around his self worth?”

“Yes, I guess.”

“Thank you, I think I have a good idea of a program that would help him. It may be hard and take some personal sacrifice for you, however. Are you okay with that?”

“Anything to help Izuku.”

“We’ll do our best.” Dr. Hanazawa nodded, and for the first time since meeting him, Inko saw him smile.

Chapter Text

Drifting in and out of consciousness, Izuku wasn’t much aware of the time passing. It could have been minutes, or it could have been hours between waking. He wouldn’t know.

Eventually, thanks to the bright fluorescent light above his head turning on, he managed to stay awake. The white rays seared through his eyelids and prevented him from slipping back to sleep. Not to mention the constant beeping in the background that set him on edge.

Pain. Flashing through him every time he inhaled, the only thing Izuku could feel was pain.
The room he was in smelled sterile, like rubbing alcohol and fresh plastic. He scrunched his face away, acutely aware of the throbbing it caused in his skull. As his eyes came into focus, he noticed a large white cast enveloping his entire right arm. Not just that, his ribs were bandaged tightly, and he had an IV in his other arm steadily streaming in some sort of drug to keep him drowsy.

. . .He was tired. So incredibly tired. It could have been the medicine, but he could barely keep his eyes open. Every muscle he had felt so weak, they didn’t even twitch after he tried to move them. His head buzzed in a way that blocked out his thoughts. Where was he? Maybe a hospital? Hospitals smell like this. Why would he be in the hospital? He scrounged through his mind, but he couldn’t grasp anything, like he was trying to pick up a bar of soap with wet hands.

An image appeared that finally lingered in his mind: Kachaan. His blond hair sticking up at strange degrees, his face always scrunched into a frown. He was his bully, but a long time ago, Izuku called him his best friend. He’d somehow always found himself worrying about him, even during all of the torment. Why did he get so mean? Izuku remembered the days before they grew so distant. They used to do everything together. Exploring, playing, talking about their dreams. Nothing could break them apart.

Then on a seemingly normal day, everything changed for the worse. Izuku couldn’t understand why everyone stopped talking to him. He didn’t understand why they avoided him and even made fun of him.

After Kachaan had burned it into his mind, though, he never wondered again. He was lesser. Useless. He was an embarrassment, all just because they got their quirks and he hadn’t yet.

Nothing had ever changed. Izuku was still an embarrassment, Kachaan still wanted nothing to do with him. Nothing was going to make him Kachaan’s friend again. Even if he did get a quirk, he would still be useless, wouldn’t he?

Useless. With that word, his mind started working just a bit faster.

Because he didn’t have a quirk, he couldn’t achieve the one thing he’d always wanted. Because he didn’t have a quirk, nobody wanted to be his friend. Because he didn’t have a quirk, he gave up before he even started. He was weak. That’s probably why he didn’t get a quirk in the first place. Some force out in the universe knew how terrible of a person he would be and refused to let him be that lucky. They knew that the only thing he deserved was pain. Because he didn’t have a quirk, his life had no worth or meaning.

‘And that’s why I killed myself.’ He thought.

That’s why he killed himself? But he was still sitting here, breathing and thinking and suffering.

Finally, the block in his mind disappeared, the locks unclicked and the gate burst open. All of his memories returned with one giant punch to his gut.

No. No. No. NO.

‘Why am I still HERE?!’

Izuku screamed, feeling his chest tighten.

Ribs stabbing into his stomach, he spasmed, and his voice was choked quiet.
The pain was something he’d never felt before. His lungs felt like they were being punctured from so many different angles, and he couldn’t breathe. The beeping in the background, the heart monitor, increased its pace.

He wanted to rake his nails down his skin, he wanted to throw up, do anything but lay here stuck in this fucking hospital bed. He wished he could do something to make this awful, overwhelming feeling go away. If only he wasn’t so tired, if only he wasn’t wrapped up so tight, he could make something hurt. The weight of his realization ached everywhere.

He’s still here. He’s still here.

Everything started to blur from the tears in his eyes. How could he be so bad at everything that he couldn’t even kill himself right?

Each inhale now stabbed Izuku’s broken ribs back into himself with a furious vengeance for disturbing them with his scream. Of course, he deserved it. These terrible feelings were the only thing he deserved.

Jumping was too easy, too gentle of a way to go. Expecting it to work was his own fault. He wasn’t allowed to let go so easily. If he wanted to actually die, he should have picked something more destructive.

And his mom. . . did she know where he was? Did she see? He messed up. He wasn’t thinking. Kachaan had made him emotional and in response he had spoiled all of his careful plans. Izuku should have just kept a cool head, then he wouldn’t have put himself in this situation. Picturing Inko’s disappointed face, Izuku felt shame heat up his cheeks. Damn, he must have hurt her. And he’d have to hurt her again once he got out of here and killed himself again. Idiot. Idiot. IDIOT.

With a creak, the door opened. Izuku tried to steady his breathing. They probably heard him scream and assumed the worst, that he’s insane and they’d have to keep him locked up alone forever. That couldn’t happen, right?

“Hello?” A gentle, feminine voice called. It sounded familiar. Izuku closed his eyes, trying to fake being asleep. The door closed and footsteps came close to him. There was a scraping sound and a slight whoosh of air as she pulled a chair forward and sat down next to his bed. As soon as she placed her hand on his, he recognized her as his mother.

“Izuku, I don’t know if you’re back asleep again, but I need to tell you. . .” She cleared her throat. “I love you so, so much. I don’t know how much pain you must have been in but. . . I’m not mad at you. It’s alright. I understand why you thought this was the only way. But, I want you to try to get better, okay? When you come home, we’ll talk. Until then, please, stay strong for me. You’re more incredible than you know, Izuku.”
She softly stroked circles on his hand with her thumb, and he felt himself relax. Eventually, her gesture slowed, stopping right above his wrist. She sighed and left, dragging her feet out of the room.

How could she still be so loving, so compassionate, even after all he had put her through?

Within himself, Izuku found a new resolve. Even if it was faint, the flame easy to extinguish with a slight gust of wind, he felt his inner fire being lit.

He was going to try to be strong.