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Gerard is a genius. Everyone knows this. It’s a given. Sometimes Frank thinks he’s known it longer than just about anyone, except probably Mikey. Probably. But then Mikey grew up with it. It’s just always been there for him.
Not for Frank. Gerard was something that happened to Frank. That happening changed everything for him.
Frank has never not had a crush on Gerard. Not for a single day. Even when he hated him; hated even the thought of him. All the misdirected rage Frank felt (it was easy to blame Gerard for everything that ended the band way back when) was not enough to ever erase his feelings completely, his reaction to Gerard. His response.
He reacts to Gerard onstage; his antics, his acting, his fucking brilliant performance. Frank reacts with a grin, laughter, some acting of his own.
He responds to Gerard behind closed doors.
xxx
“I’m so nervous, I could puke.”
“Frank, it’s soundcheck. You’re this nervous about soundcheck, you’ll be having a stroke by tomorrow,” Gerard reasons.
They’re alone in the dressing room. The last two getting themselves together before the final run-through.
“It’s different, though. This is the soundcheck. Costumes, everything, all of it. The fans are already watching. All the pieces are in place. I’m fucking vibrating here.” Frank shows Gerard the tremor in his right hand. Gee grabs it and holds it steady, squeezing just a tiny bit. Just enough to help Frank settle. He always feels settled when Gerard touches him. When they’re alone.
“The minute you walk out onstage, you’ll be better. Once you start playing, you’ll be golden.” Gerard sounds so certain. Frank is sure he must be right. “C’mere.”
Gerard pulls him closer, runs fingers through his hair, places his hands firmly on Frank’s shoulders. He applies just enough pressure. Just enough.
Frank’s mind flashes back to a few days ago – they stole an hour at the hotel just for themselves – he thinks of Gerard pressing him down on the bed, pressing into him... It’s a sense memory, really. He doesn’t actually see anything in his mind’s eye. He feels it. He must have had his eyes closed then. He has his eyes closed now. He opens them and Gerard is right there, his eyes looking so sure of everything. Frank leans in and kisses him hard, no tongue or anything. They don’t do that casually anymore. It’s not a joke or a game. It took them too long to get back to intimacy of any kind. Casual intimacy doesn’t fit into the delicate dance that they do.
When he pulls away, Gerard looks surprised but pleased. A bright flush has spread high up on his cheekbones. He grins. “You good?”
“I’m good.” Frank nods decisively and turns to head out of the dressing room, Gerard right behind. Frank feels Gee’s hand on his back just briefly. A tiny squeeze, right between his shoulder blades. It’s there and gone in an instant. But it was there.
xxx
“I’m so fucking proud of you,” Frank finally has the chance to say in private.
It’s been days since the first show and he and Gerard haven't had even a moment alone. Their days off are finished and they start rehearsals again tomorrow in San Francisco. Not as intense as before Seattle, but still. No rest for the wicked.
Crazily enough, Gerard looks unsure. “Yeah?”
“You don’t need me to tell you that.” Frank is a bit taken aback.
For three days, Gerard has raved about how hard they crushed it, but now he looks like a little kid seeking approval. Like he’s been rethinking everything since the show. Because of course he has. Frank feels silly for ever being surprised. Gee always did this during The Black Parade shows back in the day, and even Danger Days, especially Danger Days. He comes off the show on fire, the adrenaline spike carrying him along, feeling like the king of the world, but then he gets in his head and starts questioning everything.
Swarm tour wasn’t like this because there was no theme. No grand drama. The concept was there was no concept. Can’t be worried about meeting expectations when no one has any idea what to expect.
“It felt good. It felt really good. Can I do that every time? Because I got tired this afternoon – really hit a wall. I wasn’t fronting when I said I needed to come back to the room and rest. Like, I feel better now that I slept for an hour, but it’s a lot, you know? I kind of get in a different head space and the adrenaline and endorphins help and I’m sure I’ll be okay by Saturday, but I just wonder and mmmmmppffff!”
This time Frank kisses him with tongue. It’s just like old times because it’s the only way. The only way to stop Gerard’s panic spiral. It has always been the only way. Frank doesn’t remember the first time he did this. He probably wasn’t sober enough to remember, but he knows how to do it. Sense memory. More like instinct at this point. The kiss starts out punishing, bruising even, but then he slows it down, takes his time. He breaks off to breathe but doesn’t wait long enough for Gee to catch his breath before going back in. If he stops kissing too soon, Gee will just keep right on talking himself into a spiral as if nothing even happened.
So Frank keeps kissing him. It’s at least the third time that he breaks off to breathe that Gerard finally lets out a long sigh and sinks into Frank. “Thanks,” he whispers.
They both lean back into the couch they’ve been situated on since Gee texted Frank to come up to his suite if there was nothing else important going on.
Frank links their hands together. “I think it was the best performance of your life and there is absolutely no reason why you can’t do it again and again. You thought of everything, Gee. We’re so well rehearsed. You still have time to rest even with rehearsals the next few days. It’s good. You’ve got this. We’ve got this. We’ve got you.”
Gee smiles and it’s sweet and genuine and bare. Frank can’t take it. He gets these smiles directed at him on the regular lately and they cut through him in a good way every time.
“There’s no plan for dinner.” Frank is surprised at how soft his voice comes out. “We’re all pretty much on our own the rest of the night. We have time if you want to…”
Gee doesn’t hesitate. “I really, really do.”
xxx
After, as they lay back and relish the orgasmic haze, Gerard’s usual post-coital chattiness kicks in. “Did I ever tell you about my anxiety when I was touring for Hesitant Alien?”
“Shockingly enough, no.”
“Really?” Gerard’s confusion is endearing.
“We weren’t really talking at the time,” Frank points out.
“Yeah, yeah I know. I just thought it might have come up since then… Huh.” Gerard looks thoughtful for a moment. “Well, anyway, it was my first time touring without you.” Frank can’t help but think it was his only time touring without Frank and wonder whether that means something. “And I was completely sober for those shows. Completely 100% stone cold sober. And I didn’t have you.”
Frank just nods.
Gerard’s brow furrows. “No, you don’t get it. My anxiety was practically unbearable. I’m not sure how I got through it. I pushed through for the fans, I guess. But I felt like I was coming apart the whole time and I didn’t have you to put me back together.” A second of silence. “You’ve always known how to put me back together. Even during Danger Days when I was an asshole so much of the time, you were always there. I would start spiraling and turn around and you would be there.”
Frank remembers that. He would go out of his way to always be there because he knew that Gerard wasn’t okay. It took a serious toll on him mentally and physically. It wasn’t the only thing, but it didn’t help. He had his own demons to fight at the time, but they took a backseat to making sure Gerard was okay.
“Did I ever say thank you?”
“You did.”
“But I mean for real. When I wasn’t all fucked up? Since then have I ever said it? I haven’t.”
“Gee-”
“No, I’m serious. Frank, I took you for granted. I’m sorry.”
“Hey, hey.” Frank grabs at Gee’s arms where they’ve started flailing about. “Don’t go off another cliff. Do we need to make out some more?”
Gerard laughs. “I always need to make out with you, but no. I’m okay. I just… forgot? Maybe?” Gee grabs Frank’s right wrist and starts gently massaging it absentmindedly. “Swarm tour was so easy. This is less so. I can’t help but remember The Black Parade back in the day and all the times you were there for me. You’re amazing, Frankie.”
Frank is at a loss. It takes him a moment to gather his thoughts. “Gee. I was there because I wanted to be there. It’s not like you ever pressured me or even asked me. I liked being there for you. Just like I like it now. Some things never change, I guess.”
“Yeah?”
Frank reaches his left hand up to smooth out the wrinkles on Gee’s forehead, softening the lines of worry.
“Yes. And if it ever gets to be too much, I’ll stop. I know I need to take care of myself now. Remember we all decided we’re never running ourselves ragged again. I don’t think you and I will ever get to that point again, but if we do, we stop. Okay?”
“Promise?”
Frank says, decisively, “Promise.”
xxx
San Francisco is a great city. Frank always enjoys playing here. He’s up early the day of the second show of the tour and is surprised that Gee is up, too, when he responds to Frank’s text asking if he wants to go and get breakfast.
They end up at a little coffee shop a few blocks from the hotel. Gerard has been particularly pensive and quiet.
“Tonight is going to be amazing,” Frank offers.
Gerard nods. “It is.”
“What’s up?” Frank isn’t going to mince words. He isn’t going to handle Gerard with kid gloves like he’s some kind of delicate thing because he’s not.
After a couple more beats of silence, Gerard asks, “Did you ever think we’d be doing this forever?”
The question surprises Frank because what? “Of course I did. I always thought that. Even when the band was broken up, I never gave up hope of getting back and playing shows together until we croak onstage. You know that.”
Gee shakes his head. “No. I mean us. You and me.”
Oh. Frank looks around nervously – they never talk about this in front of other people, and certainly not in public – but the cafe is mostly empty. No one’s paying any attention to them. He sighs. “To be honest. No.”
A brief flash of hurt flits across Gerard’s features. “How come?”
“I just… never let myself think that far ahead. It always felt so chaotic, you know? I guess thinking about us made it feel like something that should last and that would have made it feel too big.” Frank pauses, pondering. “It was easier if it was never pinned down. Self preservation. I guess I thought that would make it hurt less if it ever ended.”
“Did it?”
Frank barks out a laugh. “Fuck no it didn’t.”
Gerard laughs at that.
Frank continues, “No, it fucking hurt like hell.” His voice softer, he adds, “You know that, too.”
“Yeah,” Gerard agrees with a wry smile. “Yeah, and same.” He nods. He takes a few sips of his coffee. The moment stretches. “Does it still feel chaotic?”
Frank has to take a few beats to ponder that one. Does it?
“No. No it doesn’t. It feels good. Solid.”
“Yeah.” Gerard nods again. “Yeah, it does.” A few more beats of silence and Frank’s skin starts to crawl because they just don’t talk about their relationship like this. What is going on? “So what do you think?” Gerard finally asks.
“What do I think about what?”
“What do you think about us? About forever.”
Frank shrugs. “I told you, I never really thought about it.”
“We have time now. I mean, not now now, but the whole tour. A whole year of touring. We have time to think about it.”
Frank looks down, around the cafe, out the window, anywhere but at Gerard. This is unknown territory. Gerard grabs his right hand under the table. “Will you think about it?” He asks so softly, Frank can barely hear him over the din and the gentle coffee shop music.
He wracks his brain, but he can’t think of a single argument against it. Finally, he assents, “I will. I’ll think about it.”
Gerard smiles at him and it’s so real. Fucking bare.
Frank smiles back.