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It's a Saturday night in June and the house is silent. Since their dad died it's been awfully quiet. The ghost of him reverberates through the house like a echo they wish not to overlap.
It echos off the extra chair at the dinner table, and the empty spot on the sofa.
A cold empty spot where a person should be.
Casey can hear it reverberate through her head when she sees his picture. His smile is so real, so warm, and so flat.
The house is full of places he used to be. Should be. But he isn't. And it makes her angry and sad.
Sad that he's not there, sad that it makes her mom and brother cry. She's also angry with him. Angry that he's gone, that he's not here when all she wants to do is curl up next to him and cry. She's also angry at herself for being angry at him.
Buzz also has been sad and angry at himself but not for the same stuff she is.
He's been really sad lately. She's sad too, so, so very sad, but not like Buzz.
Buzz, her big, untouchable, invincible brother Buzz thinks that it's his fault. That he killed dad.
(Casey doesn't understand this)
He didn't kill dad. Some bad, mean person killed dad and uncle Steven. She thinks it's silly that he thinks that, but a bad silly. Because even though it's silly and stupid (in her rightful opinion)(which is right) Buzz got it deep in his head that it's his fault. And he believes it.
Buzz doesn't cry in front of her. Something about 'Being strong for his baby sister' which is also stupid.
Lately her big dumb brother has been extra dumb. And she wish he'd stop.
So tonight when she heard him cry through the wall she knew what she had to do
Maybe it was because she just wanted her brother back, the one who smiled and laughed and was annoying. Or maybe it's because it was Father's Day tomorrow and they've all been dreading it. But she goes to his room.
(As she walks down the hallway dad echos through her ears.)
(She thinks he echos through Buzz too, and it eats him up inside)
She doesn't even register her knocking until its already faded into the dull silence of the house.
The sniffling on the other side subsides, a little, but he doesn't answer.
She decides that is enough of an invitation to her (not that she needed one) and creeks his door open.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah," he says wiping his face dry. "I'm fine." He says this even though he certainly is not fine.
"Okay." But it wasn't.
It's not okay, he's sad and that's okay to be sad but he hides it and that isn't. It's not okay to her.
She doesn't say anything else because she doesn't really know what would come out of her mouth if she opened it. But she moves to sit next to him on his bed and they stare at the wall together.
"It's not your fault, y'know."
Except he doesn't. He doesn't know. Or maybe he does and just doesn't believe it. But she does, she knows
And that's okay. (Not really) But for now.
And eventually he pulls her into a hug and that's also okay.
***
Father's Day brought up mixed emotions for Casey.
On one hand it was nice. Her family would all hang out together for the day and that was nice.
On the other it wasn't, because it reminded her of what she lost. What they all lost.
Every year it was like adding fuel to a fire that you had forgot was lit, turning a dull flame into a raging fire. It stung honestly.
Seeing the cards and gifts that were advertised. Knowing that she'll never buy them again. That there's no one to give them to.
Every year her mom makes them go to his grave and put a fresh batch of flowers there. It's a bittersweet exchange.
They laugh at old stories and cry because there will never be new ones. Just memories tainted by time and grief.
She doesn't really know how to feel about Father's Day.
***
Buzz hates Father's Day.
He hates it because it used to be so, so nice.
The memories of him and his father playing catch on their front lawn as the sunset in the distance shone an orange glow over the trees.
memories of him surprising his father with a home-made card in the morning.
They're just that. Memories.
All because he just had to get a souvenir. It's all his fault really.
It's all his fault and it's stupid- so stupid. That if he had just let them go without a fuss he would have been playing catch with his dad still, and waiting last moment to make him a card.
Father's Day is just a reminder of his failure as a son. That he failed his dad and got him killed. Failed his uncle aswell. And isn't that the cherry on top?
Not only is he a horrible son but a horrible nephew too.
He can't do anything right so the least he can do is put flowers on his grave.
It doesn't really mean anything. They'll welt in a week and he'd come back to replace them over and over again.
It it won't do anything because nothing will. Nothing will heal until the bastard that killed them is behind bars.
Or dead. He doesn't really care. But he'd like to look him in the eye before then.
Meet the eye of the man who ruined his life. His family.
And maybe then he'll be a good son.
But those are just dreams, fantasy.
He's no hero. Far from it actually. And he'll likely never get his happily ever after. But it's his fault so he can't even be mad.
His dad was a hero. His hero. And he deserved to lived. Deserved to get all the father's day cards in the world.
(Name one hero that got a happy ending)
Buzz hates Father's Day just as much as he hates himself.
***
"Cheers"
They both smile as they open a pack of beer on father's day. It's a lot easier to swallow the pill of grief when intoxicated.
Casey's down in California for the weekend and things always get awkward between them at the topic of dad.
Buzz still thinks his fault. And it's dumb (as she's repeatedly told him) but he'll keep thinking that until his last breath.
So if drinking an unhealthy amount of cheap crappy bear makes father's day a little more bearable than so be it.
"How's work?"
"As good as a job where I talk about the weather can be."
"Right."
He takes another swig and they fall into comfortable silence, staring at the moon. It's a waning cresent. And is probably a lot prettier six beers in than it actually is.
"Dad would be real proud of you, Buzz"
She doesn't know why she says it. If it's the cheap corner store liquor or maybe she just needed to fill the silence, but it's true.
She knows it's true, but that doesn't mean anything if Buzz doesn't know.
She wants him to know.
"I want you to know that."
And she does.
When he doesn't say anything she takes her eyes of the glowing moon and over to him. And his eyes are swimming with unshed tears as he smiles at her.
He pulls her into a tight hug. And he whispers "thank you" into her shoulder.
And that's okay.
She doesn't mention the wet patch on her shoulder where his eyes had been.
And that was also okay.