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Falling.
Slipping.
He's slipping.
No, no, no.
Please, no.
It can be different this time.
Hold on tighter.
Please.
-----
His chest jolted, sending a shock throughout his body. All he could hear were his ragged breaths, shaky and vulnerable like how he felt.
It was just another bad night, he told himself. But it never felt that insignificant. It never got easier, no matter how much everyone had told him it would.
None of their words would ever reach him, and he never learned to trust his own afterwards again.
How could every bad night ruin him the same way, and worse? Just when he feels almost stable in his own home, they come back.
Nothing stops his hands from getting clammy every time. Nothing helps the racing of his heart, the flood that escapes his eyes before he even realizes, before he even wakes up.
Jay holds his breath and counts to five. He does this again and again until his skin feels a little less cold, the air is back in his lungs, and he can go back to forgetting.
He shouldn't forget. For him, he would remember. For the lost look in his eyes, he needs to remember.
Jay pulled himself out of bed, his robe sticking warmly on his stressed body.
It had been worse these past few months. Every time he would feel as if his heart was being ripped out of his chest, his body becoming an empty vessel devoid of the ability to feel, to love. The only one he could do any of those things for had abandoned him. If given a second chance, maybe he still wouldn't have stopped him. If this was how it felt, then maybe he even would have done the same. He would have done anything for his Daniel. But Daniel wasn't supposed to feel this pain-- he should have been more selfish. He should have fought for himself, ruin anyone his instinct had told him to. He should have been here.
Jay's eyes had started to adjust to the dark surroundings of his kitchen, hands easily reaching for the cabinets for a bottle of wine and a glass.
Just as his smoking habit had died in an instant, it re-emerged in the form of alcohol at any hour of the day. He used to be disgusted by the taste, or at least he pretended to feel so strongly against it as Daniel did. Daniel took care of his own body more than Jay had ever done for himself, even with a lifestyle accustomed to butlers and planned meals. It was just another thing Jay had learned about him, admired, and followed-- up until Daniel couldn't anymore.
------
If Jay could speak, he would laugh.
He had taken the two of them to a restaurant, a bit towards the edge of their city. They had settled into an almost domestic life, past street fights and violent crews. Today, Daniel had gotten a paid internship at a start-up and told Jay he would treat him to celebrate. Jay couldn't refuse. As much as he wanted to get Daniel a job closer to home, closer to him, he was happy as long as Daniel was happy. Somehow, he had never looked so proud.
Daniel had told him that this was one of the first times he'd done anything towards the workings of a legitimate career, one he could see himself doing years down the line. Even after becoming official, Daniel never entitled himself to Jay's wealth; he would not ask not even for a meal to Jay's dismay.
Before the internship, Daniel had a part-time job. Jay hadn't known what it was, but he knew that whenever Daniel got his paycheck, he would pick up skewers from a friend's family business for them to share.
He smiled fondly at his lover, his boyfriend, his best friend, who could still barely handle a shot of soju. Daniel downed his first of the night all at once; as unfazed he had wanted to look in front of Jay-- cool, unbothered, loving Jay-- he couldn't hide his disgruntled expression as the alcohol tickled his senses from the inside. All Jay could do was watch in concern and ready a bowl in case Daniel needed to puke, but it was one of Daniel's most endearing moments and he couldn't help the wide, teethy smile that stretched his face.
Daniel looked at him with an incredulous expression that day, somehow swallowing a cough in order to watch Jay's face fold in ways he had never seen before. He looked at him with such awe Jay was unsure if it had been for him.
"You’re laughing." He had said.
How does someone laugh silently?, Jay thought. He didn't think he was capable.
But Daniel could see through the stoic layers of his expression and all the emotions behind it, even when Jay didn't understand them himself at first.
"..." Jay shook his head stubbornly.
"No, no, you did!" His lover lit up, the soft yellow lights of the restaurant making his glow even more radiant. If a "laugh" made him this happy, Jay would practice it more often.
Daniel bit his lip, seemingly debating in his head whether to say something or not. He usually said what he wanted to anyway, Jay thought appreciatively for his boyfriend's straightforward methods.
"Do it again." Daniel licked his lips as if anticipating something delicious.
Jay watched him, feigning disinterest in "doing it again." But he had tried anyway, for Daniel. Awkwardly, the corners of his mouth moved upward, and he blew from his nostrils with his mouth gaping awkwardly.
This time, Daniel cackled at Jay's attempt. This time, Jay watched a bit more carefully, with an admiration and curiosity that never ceased when he was with Daniel.
At the time, it had felt like it would be like this for them forever.
---
"Yes, Jay-- I know. Yes, I'm not going to bait myself next time."
Jay coddled him worriedly, checking every angle for the slightest bruise, cut, and scrape on Daniel's body. There were too many to count. If Daniel's body hadn't hardened so much over a lifetime's worth of fights, he would have died by now.
He knew how strong Daniel was. After Daniel moved in, Jay's skills had adapted to have a more protective specialty to it that matched his counterpart's aggressive tactics. Even if he almost matched him in strength at some point, he was too far along to match in skill. Jay's constant role was to protect Daniel wherever he wasn't looking, wait for him to come home, then treat his injuries.
There had been a day, a year ago, when Daniel hadn't come home from a job. Jay had searched the city the entire night, only for Vasco to finally reach him and tell him that Daniel was brought to the emergency room unconscious. His ribs had been broken, a knee had dislocated, but when he woke up none of it had seemed to faze him. As if a darkness had taken over and healed his injuries temporarily solely for a primal, violent purpose.
Last Jay heard, he had attacked one of the guards, inflicting similar injuries before going back to the Daniel he knew.
For a while, Daniel became a shell of what he once was-- a feared and formidable man known to all the major cities of South Korea. Some nights, Daniel would hold himself like a child, unable to forget the damage he had caused that day. Jay would embrace him and reassure him with quiet words until he fell asleep again. To Daniel, he had never had another incident like that again.
But Jay, Jay had seen all of it. The silent, unwavering violence that had no cure except Daniel's will to be awake. Jay had felt all of it. And he couldn't help but want to be done with it all.
"..."
"What?" Daniel broke out of Jay's arms, who had been tending to a wound on Daniel's back. "What are you talking about? I can't just quit!"
Jay was tired, but he would never admit that to Daniel. And to do that, he never admitted it to himself.
"..."
"I know it's dangerous. But someone has to finish it. I know I'm almost there, I just need a bit more time and we can be done with this whole thing." He paused, turning to look at Jay. "If I stop now, I become a target and you'll end up one too." Daniel said sadly. Jay had been loyally following him for so long. But it was too late to back out now.
Jay watched Daniel, and no matter how much he had gone through, he still had more than enough love for him to admire the determination in Daniel's stance. He still loved him dearly. He could do it only becausd it was for him.
Daniel knelt down by Jay's feet, a bittersweet smile decorating his battered but still alluring face.
"You're the most important person in the world to me." Daniel had said. "Thank you for always being there. Even though I haven't been the best..." He paused. "If you want, maybe you should stop for a while. Get away from all this. It's not good for you." His hand cupped his face. He should have never brought him into this mess.
Jay held his lover's hand on his cheek, steeling himself to avoid revealing that his touch hurt.
--
Thud.
"No.."
Thud. Waves of dizziness push him to the brink.
"You dumb fuck, stop it..!"
Thud.
"You...THAT'S JAY!" Daniel cried. The black of his other pair of eyes pierced him, momentarily diverting its attenion away from the struggling man he held by the neck. With a deep breath, he held himself up as high as he could-- and went down even faster.
Splat
"Oh.." Daniel's vision blurred, a mix of bruising numbness and a sharp pain from the deep cuts on his head threatened to swallow his consciousness whole. He could never beat that body no matter how hard he tried to. All he could do was try to take it back by hurting this one. To sedate the monster.
He was the monster, Daniel thought. And Jay was to suffer for it.
The last thing he saw was Jay's terrified, swollen eyes staring back into his own, the grip on his neck loosening as his other body began becoming his own again.
He's safe.
Then his head, with a final thud, landed in the puddle of his own blood that spread across the jagged pavement.
--
Splat.
Jay awoke with a start, a raw, incoherent whimper forcing its way out in a voice that he did not immediately recognize as his own.
His mind whispered of urgency, a name-- but he couldn't capture the thought before it slipped away.
He frowned, finally beginning to take in his surroundings.
The beep of the machines attached to him, the cool white walls, and the scent of antiseptic and mint immediately told him that he was in a hospital. He vaguely recalled that the last time he had went to the hospital, rather than call for an in-house practitioner, had been when he was around 10. That was one of the last futile attempts that his father had forced to find some invented explanation behind his son's mutism.
Instinctively he pushed himself up on his elbows and was instantly hit with a pounding in his head. Jay never spoke, but his throat oddly felt more restricted from doing so. His hand lifted to rub on it, and suddenly a flash of a memory blinded him into clarity.
What had happened from the night before-- was it just last night?
Vividly he could feel the ghost of Daniel's grip on his neck, two void eyes sending shivers down his spine.
"-at's JAY!"
Blood rushed upwards, and he could barely feel himself stumbling over his hospital gown and towards the door. All he could hear was the dear name his mind constantly echoed, over and over until it became his heart.
Daniel.
-
"Still no sign of him?" Jace sighed exasperatedly. It was a shitshow, especially when the one who mattered most to the dead wasn't here.
It took all of him not to give in to the grieving, swollen faces around him, to not admit that it affected him. He had to be fine, as his partner on the other hand didn't bother at all to contain himself. Euntae's cries and anger had subsided as the hours passed, but somehow the state he was in now was even worse.
He sat silently, dark, and painfully alone, as if he wasn't in a room full of people grieving their loved ones. The only thing anchoring him to the world right now was Jace's hand on his, at least warm and familiar unlike the cold brush of death.
"Who the fuck cares?" Zack's harsh voice pierced through the fragile atmosphere. Anyone who didn't know him wouldn't notice the slight crack in his voice, the restlessness as he moved, and the masked pain in his expression. Today no one would fault him for his brash language.
"Zack." Mira weakly stated with a quiet but controlled voice. "Zoe...are you okay?"
Zoe shook quietly beside her, her hands jerking uncontrollably from time to time while the small note she clutched crumpled further and further. Her eyes would subconsciously drift down to hide her wet eyes, but her attempts were futile. At the same time, she hid the contents of the note the best she could, including from herself.
"Zoe...I know he gave that to you before he.." Jace was walking on thin ice. It was the first time anyone would be acknowledging it tonight. "Maybe we should read it? At least so we can get an idea.." All eyes were on him now, hooded with overwhelming emotions that Jace didn't want to dissect right now. "Of why."
"No!" Zoe cried. "He..he told me to give it to Jay. Only Jay. We can't read it." She furiously shook her head, apparent that she was holding herself back from opening the note herself. "He trusts me..! He..trusted me." She held the note to her chest. Guilt rose from Jace's chest to his throat, and he left the topic at that.
Vasco finally spoke. "I'm going to get whoever did this."
Jace finally met his breaking point, he realized later on, as Vasco's words-- filled with denial or naivety he didn't know, pushed him over the edge. He stared at his friend, chest filled to the brim with regret and sorrow. Though he wanted to leave right that moment, it was up to him to be there for Vasco.
"Euntae-"
"You're so stupid!" The group had been sending glances towards Zack after Vasco's comment, on their toes for an argument.
But the shrill had come from Zoe who was staring straight at Vasco, bloodshot eyes open for them to see.
Her anger cracked, and sobs racked her body. "You're so stupid." She said. "How.."
"HOW ARE YOU GONNA DO THAT WHEN HE DID IT TO HIMSELF?"
Zoe crashed on Mira's side, digging her nails in the broken embrace.
Her soft cries echoed throughout the room that had evacuated already, save for a few others.
Vasco peered downwards, ashamed of himself.
He knew; but he had still hoped he was wrong.
------
"There's so much I want to say to you. But I can't. Not now. Jay, I'm so so sorry..."
Some parts of the messages were thoroughly crossed out, but after years of going back to it every time he felt his pain and self-loathing fade away, he was able to uncover most of it.
"I hate myself for doing this to you. I don't deserve you. You don't deserve to be hurt by someone like me."
"I love you Jay. Believe me please I never wanted this to happen to Thank you for everything. I'm sorry I wasted your time. Don't wait for me."
"You don't have to wait for me anymore."
Crash
A choked sound escaped his lips, a drop of sound in the empty space that should have been home.
He wanted to scream.
The glass of wine was now abstract on his cold floor, tinted shards of glass glistening. Daniel's face flashed in his mind, his eyes closed and peaceful. He could hear his own racked sobs like a distant memory too close, his shrieks of pain echoing that day when they brought him in to confirm the body.
He still couldn't understand. Understand why someone who was supposed to love, cherish, care for him would kill the one thing he loved. His love.
Knees fell to the floor, Jay's mind disconnected from the sharp agony from the cracks that drew crimson.
How alone must he have felt?
What could he have done? When he was never trusted.
He stared at his hands, patterned with cuts and glittering, sharp particles.
The place would once again become his prison tonight. He would scratch, punch the walls with his bare hands until they bled and the pain would outweigh the heaviness of his heart, the loss of his mind. He would wake and be able to momentarily forget that his life was lost for good. Then he will remember the hurt, and by then it will be numb and rested.
His eyes followed the twinkling stars of the city, towers and prisms of light decorating the world outside. As his vision faded, he promised to himself-- to whoever was listening-- that he would dim his own light to finally join his star when he woke.
-
Urgent knocking woke him from unconsciousness. He peeled himself off the sticky floor, a mix of wine and dried blood tainting his skin and robe.
It didn't matter who was at the door, Jay vaguely thought. His mind was still chasing his body.
It would be the last person he'd ever meet anyway.
The pounds on the door urged him forward, pausing his thoughts.
But then who could it be? There was no one to look for him. Unless Joy decided to surprise him after years of sporadic contact.
His frail hand reached for the door, and he frowned at how much effort it took him. His body moved without purpose nor vigor, and there was no point in preserving it now.
A series of knocks had begun for a fifth time and he swung the door open.
The boy, no, the man in front of him was in need of medical attention, Jay thought innately.
His hand was clutching his side, and despite wearing a fully modest outfit, Jay could still count at least two fractures and multiple grazes from where he stood. Maybe he would be a doctor in his next life.
His eyes adjusted to the visitor's face, and a distant memory registered in the back of his head.
Daniel.
Daniel's, his Daniel's, roommate from so many years ago.
Despite his young and toned face, his body had hardened and grew to be just like Daniel's when he had just graduated high school. Jay futilely dreamt of simpler times.
Seeing him sent shivers of familiarity throughout Jay's body in a way that felt like a treasure lost in his history. It didn't cease when the man fell forward into Jay's arms with such certainty he would be caught, like he had a thousand times before. His heart beat loudly, and he didn't understand why.
"I did it," this Daniel rasped and heaved.
"You're safe now."