Archive of Our Own

"I'm gonna go look around the shops for a bit, Mom." Kevin handed the sign over to her, face flushed. He hated doing this, he hated hating. He just wanted to leave them all alone.

"Kevin, we're only going to be another half hour or so. Just stay for a little longer, it's important."

Kevin shook his head, already separating himself off from the group. "I'll see you later, I have my phone on me. Bye, mom."

"Kevin, wait a second--"

And he was free, escaped into the crowd where no one knew who he was. The Pride parade was making it's way down the high street, relentless and-- well. Proud. He pushed through until he was a few blocks away where the tail end was - students and political and organisation bodies holding their own signs, chanting mantras, wearing rainbow apparel.

Kevin observed and absorbed of this with a quiet sense of guilt. He found it all fascinating, which he assumed was because it had always been so stigmatised, so taboo in his family and church, but in some way, he felt like he was endorsing sin. He didn't feel the same burning hate that his other family members did. There was disgust, with an underlying hollow feeling when he looked at openly gay or whatever else people.

He didn't understand it, so he just pushed it out of his mind.

A group was walking past with a large banner spread between them with maybe twenty people marching along, some of them with their own pieces of card proclaiming LOVE IS LOVE or RELIGION FOR RIGHTS. At the side, one of the men tripped up and landed strangely, his sign dropping to the floor. The ginger man next to him realised what had happened, shoved his sign into another's waiting hands, then hauled the fallen member of his group off to the sidelines, near Kevin and the crowd, who seemed to be paying no heed to the situation.

"Are you okay?" The ginger one asked to the other man, who was taller and lanky. He had shortish black hair and was a shade darker than the incredibly pale guy next to him. The fallen man’s face was scrunched up in pain.

"I think I've fucked up my ankle." He prodded it; the skin was grazed and oozing blood. He winced.

"You need to go sit down, there's no way you can continue."

"No, I want to carry on--"

"Zel, no. We'll go find somewhere to sit down." And it was then that he looked at the barriers. Kevin watched the cogs turn in his mind: how would he get the man - Zel? - across?

"Need a hand?" He heard himself say. His heart was beating hard in his chest. These men were outright sinners, but Mormons help all they can. Besides, Kevin Price never turned down a challenge.

They both looked up to him, confused, then relief flooded across their faces.

"Please!"

Kevin pivoted the barrier so that a thin opening was made. They squeezed through and Kevin returned it back to it's original position.

"I know where a Starbucks is,  not too far from here. You can rest there. I have some water in my backpack too, if you want it."

Zel suddenly seemed to slump. He was pale and seemed out of it, his body relaxing and head lolling slightly. "I don't feel so good."

"Just another minute, Zel, and we can sit down." Then, to Kevin, the ginger mad added, "Thank you so much. Lead the way, um..." he drifted off, eyeing Kevin’s torso warily.

Kevin looked at him in confusion, but then glanced down and remembered he was wearing his church T-shirt, just like all the other protestors. Oops.

He lead them anyways, away from the worst of the crowd. It was slow going because of Zel's ankle, but eventually they turned a corner onto a new block. One hundred metres away was the Starbucks.

Inside was quiet. A barista cleaned a machine while another collected cups. They found a table in the corner and sat so that Kevin was opposite the ginger man and Zel was next to him. Zel put his arms on the table and rest his head on them, face down.

There was a moment when no one knew what to do, then Kevin sprang into action and started rummaging in his bag. "Here, the water-"

He poked his head up and took it. "Thank you so much. I'm Andrew Zelder by the way, but everyone just calls me Zel."

"And I'm Connor McKinley."

"Kevin," he introduced himself. “Kevin Price.”

Connor nodded, then turned to Zel. "How you feeling?"

"Not too good," He replied weakly.

Kevin looked between them. "Should you maybe go to a hospital?"

Zel laughed breathily. "I can't afford that shit. Besides, it's probably only a sprain. I'll just wait it out."

"Oh, okay." Kevin settled back in his seat. It hadn't occurred to him that Zel might not be able to afford it. He looked between them both and tried to think desperately of something to say.

"So are you two...?"

"Together?" Connor filled in just as Kevin finished with: "homosexual?"

Kevin cursed himself for such a stupid, tactless question. Why would he ask that? Luckily, Connor took it well and laughed in a good natured way.

"I'm gay. We're not together. Zel is... um, what is it this month?"

"Demisexual, keep up."

"Right. He's changeable." Connor patted his arm and Zel groaned, hiding himself again in his arm-fortress.

"Demisexual?" Kevin asked, confused. He felt embarrassed at his gaps in knowledge. Was this some common thing everyone but him knew? He was often left out of conversations with non-Mormon students his age at school due to his humiliating innocence. Not that he minded; he found it all distinctly uncomfortable anyways.

"It's like, when you only feel sexual attraction to people you have a strong bond with. Don't worry about it too much, not many people know about it," Connor supplied.

"Oh." Kevin replied. "That's quite…um, wholesome."

They both laughed. "Thanks," Zel said, taking another sip of water.

“So you’re Mormon, then?” Connor asked with another furtive glance down toward his shirt. "What, are you a missionary or something? Sure you're allowed to be hanging out with us?"

Kevin felt his face heat up. "Not currently. I just returned, actually, a few weeks ago. I told my parents I was going to look round the shops."

"I'm gonna guess your parents aren't exactly... approving?"

"How did you guess?" Kevin said dryly. "No. They're protesting today. You'd have walked past them, if, you know."

"Oh." Connor replied quietly. He seemed unsure as to how to take it.

"I didn't want to come." Kevin said hastily. "I didn't want to, but my mom said I had to. Not that I support what you’re-- I mean, wait, um--"

"It's okay, Kevin,” Connor assured, while Zel subtly rolled his eyes at Kevin’s incoherent blundering. “We understand. I used to be Mormon too, you know."

Kevin gaped. It was hard to reconcile the image of the man before him as someone who had ever been religious, although of course, he had no real reason to doubt it. "You did? Why did you leave? Oh, no, sorry, that's private. You don't need to tell me that."

"No, it's alright. I got kicked out of my home by my parents. And, well. To say I'm not Mormon might be wrong. I do observe some customs and traditions, I believe in God and Jesus Christ. Some of it all never really leaves you, y'know? But I decided to cut ties with the church. Start again anew."

"That must have been terrifying. I can't imagine a life without church."

"Neither could I, until I was forced to." Connor shrugged. "That was five years ago now. I'm mostly over it."

"How old are you now?"

"Twenty-one."

Kevin quickly did the mental math. "You were sixteen?! What parent would kick out a sixteen-year-old?" Kevin was aghast. How could anyone do that? To a child, no less? He felt his stomach drop as his mind jumped: would his parents? Probably, if how they acted at pickets was anything to go by. But he stopped the thought there. No need to worry over unlikely situations, not unless one of his siblings came out. He wondered how he would react - he hoped he would be supportive, but he truly didn't know. He felt a constant unease with homosexuals, some strange polarisation.

But then again, these two were queers, and he felt just fine.

Connor shrugged again. "My parents, I guess. Most of them don't know how to deal with it. Not all of them can afford therapy, not that it works."

"Conversion therapy doesn't work?"

Zelder laughed. He was starting to look a bit better, Kevin noted. "It can convince you you're straight for a while, but it doesn’t stick that way. The American Psychological Association rejects it, and science is enough for me."

"Oh." Kevin had never considered that it might not work. He had always just thought those who failed it never had the desire to be corrected.

"One of our friends, Chris, he went through it. All it did was make him hate himself. He's good now, fortunately. Needed a hell of a lotta real therapy to reverse years of hate, though."

Connor pulled out his phone as it buzzed, then typed for a few seconds and put it back. "The procession has ended; James just text me."

Zel nodded. "Are we going to meet them somewhere?"

"I dunno, feel up to walking?"

He sighed. "I don't think so. It's starting to swell a bit. I should probably just go home."

"You don't have to do that,” Connor protested. “We can all go out and get some food."

Zel shrugged. "See what everyone else wants." He looked like he didn't want to inconvenience the group.

Connor conceded after a moment of thought. "All right."

Another silence fell upon them all. Connor stared at Kevin for a second, then pulled a small stack of business cards out of his pocket and slid one across the table to him.

"I'm part of a group that you might like, Kevin." Connor said, suddenly gentle. "It's a safe place for LGBT religious people. It's how I know Zel, actually; he's Jewish. We meet Wednesdays and everyone is welcome."

Kevin began to flush as Connor went on. He picked up the card and flipped it over, desperately reaching for something to say. "I'm not sure I, um. Oh dear, Gosh." He stammered and looked up to Connor. "I have to go."

Connor realised he'd misstepped and quickly tried to calm him down. "Oh, Kevin, no, I'm sorry--"

"It's fine, really. I just need to go. Parents," he gestured vaguely behind him. "I, uh, okay. Hope your ankle is fine, Zel."

"Thanks, man."

With that Kevin left, feeling awfully awkward and unsure of himself. His mind was reeling, flittering between thoughts faster than he could truly observe them.

Did he come across as-- as gay?

Why did Connor give him the card, if not?

Why had Kevin thought any of this was a good idea? He'd hung out with- with homosexuals, and he enjoyed it. He'd shown them more than just characteristic Mormon kindness; he'd indulged in himself. Suddenly, everything caught up with him and guilty weights settled in his belly.

He pushed through the crowd, finding his way back to the safety and sanctuary of the church members.

---

A man was kissing his neck, undoing his shirt buttons. Kevin's eyes fluttered open just as the man pulled away. His eyes were dark and his smile wide and toothy. He slid his hands up into Kevin's shirt, exploring the smooth planes of flesh under it.

His hands went down to his trousers and undid the buttons. Kevin's head fell backwards and his fingers threaded through the man's short hair. His breath hitched as the man sunk to his knees.

Oh, gosh.

He awoke silently, drenched in a cold sweat. Disoriented and panicked, he looked around and saw only moonlight filtering in between the curtains, illuminating nothing at all. He threw off his damp garment shirt and slung it over the back of a desk chair, but hesitated at his bottoms.

He was hard. He bowed his head in shame, cursing himself and his weak mind.

He immediately pushed aside the covers and crouched by the bed to pray - for strength, for relief, to lift the heavy burden from his shoulders. He stayed there for a long time, head resting against clasped hands. This was the first dream like that he'd had since he was an early teen - he barely remembered it, apart from that it’d left him utterly mortified.

He looked up at the clock. 3:31. He had no idea what time he woke up and didn't know how long he'd been deep in prayer. He stood up, his knees aching a little and his back stiff. He twisted his torso and stretched, found a new top from his drawers, and then slipped back between the sheets.

Sleep, however, eluded him. He calmed down, but his heart became heavy with an odd sense of guilt,  then strained as he became frustrated in his lack of drowsiness. He threw the covers off in anger and went to look outside his window. The neighborhood looked abandoned in how quiet it was, and the streetlamps threw yellow light over empty streets. For a second, it was like he had it all to himself.

He looked down. On his windowsill was an old box he put stationary and coppers in, and inside was the card. He opened it, picked up the card and mused over it. Meeting those two had been a somewhat fundamentally changing experience for Kevin. Before, he'd always imagined homosexuals as some strange creatures, like drag queens or the type of gays you saw in comedy films, limp-wrists and glitter. But they seemed to be just normal people - Connor concerned over his friend. Zel, who felt sick and hurt his ankle.

He shivered as sweat cooled his skin. It was odd. He'd never considered them to be real people before, only some big bad of all sinners. Consorts with Satan, that sort of thing. It was like someone had shaken the very foundations of his beliefs about an entire population. He didn't know what to think anymore. It had never occurred to him before, not really, that any given person could be gay, and that those who were gay, or demisexual, were just like him.

Kevin chuckled and shook his head. They had their own strange seperate world to his. So many confusing terms and rituals and ways that he could never understand, never hope to. Did he want to?

No.

He didn't want to be gay, or demisexual, or anything else that wasn’t, well, normal. Not that he was - the dream was just a temptation, that was all. Something Heavenly Father sent to test his will and courage. He wouldn't fall prey to it, of course he wouldn't. Others could if they so pleased, but not him. Not Elder Price. His parents expected too much of him. He was starting college at the U of Utah after summer ended, another thing he would no doubt succeed at.

He still didn't know what he wanted, though. Not out of college, and not out of life.

As day after day dripped by, it was almost as if he was standing in front of a massive boulder - or, maybe a cliff. Like he was on the edge of something, something staring him right in the face that he just couldn't see properly because it was entirely too huge, spanning every direction and degree his head could turn. He was utterly enclosed, suffocated, by this monstrously huge wall of-- well, nothing. And that was what was terrifying him. There was some huge part of the puzzle he was missing and he couldn’t even see the gap where it was supposed to go.

He had never in the past thought much to his sexuality. He knew he would get married to a woman within the next few years and that was that. While no woman or girl had ever especially captivated him before, he had suffered through minor infatuations which amounted to nothing, mostly due to his own insistence of keeping himself distant. His mind would go from cute dates to kissing to- whoa, that’s gross. And scary. He had, in the past, caught himself looking at men, but he was sure it was simple appreciation of the human form; after all, he need not be insecure about anything. And all humans were beautiful, God's greatest creation, modeled after Himself.

So why were these new thoughts plaguing him? What could have triggered them? It was like the moment he stepped back on to American soil that some internal switch was flicked. His mission had been successful, if mundane - he did nothing incredible as how he had originally set out. Some part of him felt unfulfilled at it all, underwhelmed. The ache he carried around with him made his heart heavy and his future look bleak. He worried himself that he would emerge unfulfilled out of life as he was from his mission.

Now, as he woke from dreams like those and emerged wide-eyed from idle thoughts of sin, new panic was brought into his life - he'd wished that he could feel more than just hollow, but not like this. Not hot bursts of arousal, not shameful cold sweats. Wasn't he supposed to have grown out of this? Wasn't this supposed to stop by the end of puberty? Why now?

He hoped college would kickstart his mind again. New people, new experiences. He had a fairly solid picture of what the next four years would probably hold - finding some nice girl, getting married in the temple, ultimately setting on a major like accounting or economics. something with solid career prospects. Sometimes, though, he found himself daydreaming doing something, for once in his life, that wasn’t church affiliated. Transferring to some faraway out-of-state school, maybe trying coffee or even alcohol, far from the grasping hands of his past.

He knew he shouldn't, but he found himself caring less and less about the church doctrine. He felt numb from all the rules. He wanted to live a little, escape from this cage. To live. His life had been so geared towards his mission that what came after had never really bothered him much - God wouldn't fail him, not after he'd done a mission. But now, free, he was lacking even signposts to indicate the way. He was just walking on straight, hoping he’d end up in the right place.

These were the things he admitted to himself at night. During the day, he was no more and no less than Kevin Price; a Latter-Day Saint destined to do Heavenly Father and his parents proud. He would never speak up about these thoughts, would never dare. He knew it was normal to struggle with doubt, but he didn't feel like sitting through someone trying to persuade him to rekindle his dwindling faith.

He sighed and threw the card back down. On the streets, a cat roamed, gliding from garden to garden. He watched it go. He rubbed his eyes and went back to his bed. The clock on the dresser read 3:49. In a few hours, he would awake again, greet his parents at breakfast. If they knew, they would no doubt reprimand him for the dreams; shun him for their content.

He fell into an uneasy sleep, wishing that all of this could just go away.

---

"Hello, what can I get for you?" Kevin put the money into the till before turning and facing the next customer - Connor !? Seeing him reminded him anew of all the things he could normally push from his mind at work. The repetitiveness let him keep his mind blank. Hello, what can I get for you? Coming right up. That'll be $2.95, thank you. Five cents change, thank you very much. See you!  Hello, what can I get for you? And so on and so forth for six hours until he could go home and do nothing with his free time.

"Oh, hello! Kevin, wasn't it? I didn't know you worked here." Connor pulled out his wallet and began fishing.

Kevin stammered. The job was one he’d had practically handed to him by one of the other people in his church. "Yeah. I've, uh, not worked here long, only a few weeks. Temporary, before college. So, yeah, what can I get for you?"

"Small hot chocolate to go, thanks." Connor smiled widely, seemingly unaware of Kevin's discomfort.

"Coming right up." He turned and started making it while a coworker started on serving the next customer. After it was finished, he rung up the total and took Connor's money.

Just as he was handing the change over, Connor suddenly spoke. "You never came." He frowned. "Was I wrong? In giving you the card?"

Kevin dropped the change into Connor's waiting hand. He paused, felt his chest constrict. "I need more time."

Connor broke into a smile, which he promptly smothered. "I understand. I'm there until summer ends."

Kevin smiled thankfully and then moved onto the next customer. Connor took his coffee and left without another word. He didn't know why he'd said that - now Connor expected him to show up. And he'd basically just come out! Heck, what if someone he knew found out? What if his parents found out? And who comes out before they even know for sure what they are? A cold feeling seeped through his insides and he felt himself begin to sweat. But he reminded himself that Connor was separate from the church now, and what were the chances of Connor knowing anyone Kevin did?

Customer after customer, and he finally settled back into his uneasy routine.

---

Bored almost to tears, Kevin decided to take a walk. He enjoyed walking; he forwent the school bus once he got old enough to make the decision. It allowed him to do something active without needing to think too hard about it, or with the pressure to have something to show of it all an hour later.

He was listening to music (headphones were a luxury he’d missed beyond almost all others while on his mission) and allowed his mind to drift. The card weighed heavily on his mind and in his pocket. Slowly, he was beginning to confront his feelings, rather than just hide them away and hope they wouldn't haunt him. Facing up seemed impossible, especially when it had been hammered into him that only the immoral, the dirty, the condemned-to-hell were homosexual.

He had accepted that he wasn't straight. That'd been hard; curled up in a ball like a child, crying, after yet another condemningly innocent dream. He said it aloud to the empty room, making it seem real and tangible, a secret whispered to himself alone. However, accepting such a thing meant nothing when it was only accompanied by the looming shadow of shame. He hated it all, wished desperately for it to go away.

But it wouldn't. He couldn't make it go away. He'd been making it go away most his life; he'd just never realised it. All those times he caught himself staring wasn't him zoning out - it was him staring. His mind knew what he needed, tried to show him, but he had been too blind to see. The church, his parents, had pulled a blindfold over his eyes and expected him to navigate without questioning where he was going. All he had ever learnt about his options were from the insincere mouths of the non-Mormon kids who called each other gay and fag and queer.

It made him resent his parents, just a little. The hadn't realised that the boy would turn into a man who could question what they thought, who could educate himself. They didn't stop anything, only delay it, leave him confused and lost embarrassingly late. He’d distanced himself from his peers, refused to partake in conversations about sex, refused to indulge and look anything up on the internet. And this was the result. Vague dreams, weeks deep in one thought alone: am I gay? He truly didn’t know the answer, because he liked women too. It would be so much easier if he could just be one or the other - this limbo was exhausting.

He emerged from his thoughts with a start. He'd taken himself to the youth centre. He hadn't often gone here apart from the few times with his friends in high school. He paused and pulled the card out of his pocket. He'd been flipping it over in his bedroom when his brother had burst in, making him shove it in his hoodie. It was bent, a little dog-eared.

Today was Wednesday. He already knew what time the meeting started at; 7. It was 7:38 now. He assumed the session, or whatever it was, lasted an hour. Did he want to go in? It felt like some failure, but at the same time, he was desperate for someone to talk to, who understood. Someone to go, "it's okay," or, "this is wrong - here's how to fix it." He needed stabilisation to stop the polarised swing between fatalist acceptance and crippling guilt.

He fought with himself over it for some time. He sat outside cross-legged on a park bench, wondering what to do. The album he'd been listening to had ran out, but he payed it no attention. Teenagers were coming and going and he realised he must look a little out of place with all these fourteen year olds running around after soccer practice. He was twenty-one, but he didn't feel like it - the birthday marking the age he could legally drink was when he was on his mission and came and went with little ado. Those two years blurred together and he came out of it different but still so much so the same.

The main doors swung open and a group of teens filed out, followed by some slightly older young men, then Connor and Zel. Kevin watched them, wondering what to do.

Luckily, Connor spotted him, said something to Zel, who glanced over then nodded, and then walked over. "Hi," he said, sitting down next to him.

"Hello."

"Didn't fancy coming in?"

Kevin shrugged. "I was just walking and I came by. Then you were all there."

"Fair enough."

They just sat in silence, watching the world go by for a while.

Connor looked over to Kevin. He saw it out the corner of his eye. "Kevin, why did you come?"

Kevin felt himself tense. He pulled his eyes away from the teenagers milling about outside and looked back at Connor. "I've just been struggling a lot recently."

"Want to tell me?"

So Kevin did. He told him, red-faced, of his dreams. Of coming to realise how sheltered he'd been, and how it only set him up to fail. It was like a boulder was slowly crumbling off his shoulder, leaving him light and free. Connor wouldn't judge him, and Connor had nobody to tell of what Kevin told him. The anonymity of it was intoxicating.

After he was finished, Connor sat for a few seconds in silence. "Thank you for telling me, Kevin. It means a lot. It seems to me that you're struggling to accept your queerness?"

Kevin frowned. "Isn't that a slur?"

"No, we reclaimed it. You can't use words against people who use them themselves. It means anyone who isn't straight, essentially."

"Oh. Then yes, I suppose. I accept it, but I don't want to accept it. I just want it to go away."

Connor sighed. "You know it won't, though? You know you'll live with this the rest of your life?"

Kevin's mouth fell open and he felt tears spring up to his eyes. He'd never thought of it like that - that this could be a lifelong issue, plaguing him even when he had a wife and children.

Connor realised he was close to crying and made a pitying noise. "I'm sorry, Kevin. But sometimes... well, not to sound like a douchebag, but the truth can hurt." Kevin chuckled weakly. He willed the tears not to fall, but it seemed like they might. He wasn't usually that emotional, but in the constant semi-sleep deprived state he was in, the feeling of liberation chained to the crushing realisation that he would never be free of these thoughts just made it all so much worse.

Connor put a hand around his shoulders and rubbed his arm. "You'll be alright, Kevin. But you have to accept that this isn't going away."

Kevin nodded and rubbed his eyes. "I know that," he replied sullenly. "I just never thought it. You saying it makes it real."

"It was always real."

"Not if I didn't want it to be."

Connor laughed softly. "I know, I know. I've been there, done that. I've been through all you're going through. But I'll let you in on a secret: it gets better."

"They always say that, about everything."

"True, but have you ever heard anyone say that it gets worse?"

Kevin fell silent. He hadn't. They sat like that for a little while and it felt like Connor's comforting presence was all that was stopping him from just floating away. The sun was beginning to dip behind buildings as Kevin felt his sharp, sorrowful heartache fade away.

"I never thought I could be anything other than straight. But I... I think deep down I knew something was wrong." Kevin said softly. "It's a lot to take in."

"I know. But you don't have to right now. You have all the time in the world. And besides, being not straight doesn't mean not attracted to women - you still have that path open for you. If you’d rather just turn it all off you can, but there’s merit in being true to yourself."

Kevin sighed. "I just don't know what to do now. Should I come out?"

Connor shrugged. "Up to you. Not to scare you, but I did and I got kicked out. So it depends on how you think your parents would react. And besides, there's no rush. They'll be there and you'll still be queer in five, ten years from now. You've only just figured it out yourself, dear."

"I suppose. I'm going to college soon. Maybe I could come out then."

"That might be a good idea. Surround yourself with some LGBT friends. Really, we're the best people ever."

"Uh huh?" Kevin looked up at Connor through blurry eyes, and smiled weakly.

"Definitely." Connor affirmed, grinning. Kevin was starting to feel better - having validation had only settled the dust in his mind to no longer be nebulous thoughts, but a concrete base on which he could build. "Do you want to go get a cocoa? You must be exhausted."

Kevin nodded and they both stood. Connor lead the way.

"So, you're in college?" Kevin asked him. He realised he'd been talking about himself an awful lot, and didn't want to be rude. Asides from that, Connor was some strange beacon: this is what life for queer people is like, not like on TV, not like those stereotypes.

"That I am. Theatre education major with an English ed minor."

"Do you want to go on to Broadway?"

"Well, that's the goal, eventually. But I'd be just as happy teaching. I just," he wrung his hands, "really like singing and dancing. Anything I can do to do that."

"How are you paying for it if your parents kicked you out?"

Connor smiled. "Full ride scholarship."

Kevin whistled. "Wow."

"Yup. Bust my ass for it, but it's all been worth it in the end. The security is a relief."

"I can imagine. So what college do you go to?"

"University of Utah."

Kevin stopped walking. "You're kidding?"

"What? It's a decent college, and it's actually somewhat selective, which is a bonus."

"But I'm going there!"

Connor laughed loudly. "Oh my God, that's unbelievable. What are the chances?" He chuckled and carried on walking.

Kevin followed after a few seconds in disbelief. "I can't believe this."

"Crazy, right? But hey, there's a QSA there too, maybe you could join?"

Kevin didn't know what objection he exactly had with all of this, but somehow it sat wrong with him. He kept quiet though - Connor was hardly abad influence.

Yes he is a voice whispered. Kevin shut the thought down fast.

"Maybe."

Connor frowned and glanced over at him. "You're not upset, are you?"

"No." He replied quickly. Connor smirked. "It's just that, you know, clean slate."

"Oh, I feel that. But it is, close enough. If you don't want to ever see me again, you probably won't. It's a big ass school, Kevin, and we'll be doing different subjects."

"I know that."

"Good. I'm not gonna try and trap you in friendship or something."

Connor stopped outside the cafe. "Still coming?"

Kevin nodded. They found some seats, sat down, ordered - Kevin also got some food, as he had been fasting for the day. They talked over hot chocolates about life, in general. Kevin found that Connor had a younger sister and two older brothers, and that he had been doing theatre since he was eleven. He found out that Connor's favourite musical was Newsies tied with Rent . Kevin, who had never seen a musical before, had nothing to contribute, but they found common ground over Disney and other films.

It was nice, talking to him. Connor was comfortable in his skin in a way that Kevin had never even realised you could be uncomfortable in, but compared to his grace and ease Kevin suddenly found himself lacking and awkward. Connor was witty and scathing in a joking way but this time, it appealed to rather than repelled Kevin. Once they finished, Connor tapped his number into Kevin's phone.

"If you ever need me, alright? I think we're on the same page in some ways, Kevin."

Kevin walked away with a tight heart and shaking body.

---

Kevin never did call Connor, not until he started up at the U. His roommate, a guy named Ty, ended up taking him somewhat under his wing. While Ty was completely new too, he was outgoing in the way Kevin was before his mission and attracted people to him like a magnet. Now Kevin felt just a halting ghost of his previous self, getting by in some old meatsack.

But he got on well with the people he socialised with, didn't make any mistakes (that he knew of) and soon he started to build his own little clique, mostly focused around his Sociology and Calculus classes. He was never forced to eat lunch alone, although he sometimes did anyway, just because he appreciated that he could be alone here with no one judging him. Slowly, hesitantly, he peeked his head out of his shell into the big wide world and found that, hey, this wasn't all too bad.

He met Cal in Principles of Biology, who was also Mormon. He was from out of state - Kevin could never remember if it was Colorado or California - and was far more relaxed about religion than any of the Utah Mormons Kevin knew. He drank coffee, alcohol, didn't wear garments, and swore as he so pleased. He couldn’t remember ever meeting a more relaxed Mormon and Cal was an entirely different beast to his typical churchgoing peers - his best friend, for example, was a lesbian woman. Cal attended church when he could, while Kevin felt himself begin to slip away and avoid it all together.

Freedom from the shadow of his parents meant a lot of different things: one, he didn't worry about leaving his laptop around and used it as he so pleased. Consequently, he'd watched a number of R-rated films, listened to music he never dared to at home, and found websites and blogs to educate himself with. He also once found pornography, but it had freaked him out; he felt guilty for even Googling for it and disgusted by the graphic pictures he saw. He'd closed the window, slammed the laptop lid shut, and threw it onto the other end of his bed before shaking his hands and getting on with some study. Ty also let him borrow his laptop, which had Grand Theft Auto on it, although he found it too explicit, especially when it mirrored some of the harsher realities he’d encountered on his mission in El Salvador - prostitutes roaming the streets and guns in back pockets. His family only owned one gun, and they kept locked away in his parent’s dresser, so he was entirely unacclimatized to seeing them.

It wasn't until three weeks into school and he was entering a girl's number (a girl's number!) onto his phone that he came across Connor's again. He froze.

"What's up?" She asked, frowning slightly.

"Oh, nothing." He smiled back at her confused look and quickly excused himself. He found a bench to sit down on, and after worrying his phone between his hands he finally shook his head, demanded to himself he man up, and tapped the name.

"Hello?"

"Hi. Um, it's Kevin."

"Kev-- oh, hi! Kevin, hi! Wow! How have you been?"

"Oh yeah, good."

"Finding college to your taste?"

"Oh, yeah! I switched to a new detergent and my clothes smell really, really nice now."

Connor laughed and Kevin felt his chest warm up a bit. "That's good. Uh, are you phoning for a specific reason or just to say hi? Both are okay," he added quickly.

"Just to say hi. I didn't want to be a stranger." He said hesitantly.

"No, that's great! Hey, the QSA will be meeting tonight - maybe you could come along? You don't have to if you don't want to."

Kevin didn't know what to say. "I'll think about it." He said slowly.

"All I can ask for." Connor replied easily. "So, decided on a major yet?"

"Nope," he sighed. "I'm thinking of doing sociology, but I don't know what I could actually do with a degree in sociology."

"Become a sociologist?"

"Ha ha, Connor." Kevin rolled his eyes, then remembered Connor wasn't actually there in person and looked around to check no one was looking at him strangely. "If only I had thought of that."

"I'm full of good ideas, I am. Well, what part of sociology interests you? Maybe you could go somewhere with that."

"I dunno. We're doing inequality in education at the moment, so that's pretty fun. Seeing why some groups don't succeed."

"Well, if you'd like to help those disadvantaged people, what about social work?"

Kevin mulled it over for a moment. "I like that idea, I'll look into that."

"See, didn't I just now say I had loads of good ideas?"

Kevin laughed. "Yeah, alright. Lay off."

Pause. Kevin didn't know what to say but he didn't want the conversation to end.

"I've got a class now, but I'll talk to you later?" Connor said.

Kevin sighed. "Okay, see you later. Or whenever."

"Alright, bye!"

"See you."

Connor hung up. Kevin sat there a little while longer, watching the world go by, before realising he had some reading to do for tomorrow, and that he should probably stop staring at the passing people like a creep.

He sat there just a little longer, before sighing and standing.

---

"Kevin, you made it!" Connor beamed at him as he walked through the door.

"Uh huh." Kevin was still altogether unsure and uncomfortable and felt absolutely out of his depth.

Connor went around introducing him to everyone, all of whom were exceedingly nice and polite to him, probably sensing his nerves. The meeting was held, and they mostly discussed some new posters to put across campus which they'd been working on for some time now. They were almost finished and Nabulungi - an African girl studying Art who declared herself "the only actually straight person in the Queer-Straight Alliance," - provided some mockups, which were beautifully done, complete with typography and illustration.

Kevin had little input on the whole matter, despite Connor's attempts to include him. But he was content just watching everyone interact - laughing and chatting away about the posters, going off on tangents about their own lives and adventures. He wasn't sure if he could ever fit into this group - they all seemed so friendly with each other and he was definitely an outsider. Besides, he had his own little group, and he was content with that. Ish. Whatever.

"Kev, you all right? You look a little dazed."

Kevin shook himself out of his thoughts and glanced over to Connor, who was looking at him in a concerned way. "Yeah, I'm great. So, when will these be printed?" He gestured down to the posters on the table absently.

"Well, there's the few amendments, but once those are done... couple of weeks, maybe?"

"All right, that sounds good."

Later on, Connor introduced him to a guy called Chris Thomas. Vaguely he remembered him as the guy who went through conversion therapy. He was blond, with prominent ears and a wide smile - he was so cheerful it was hard to imagine the horrors done to him. Kevin had looked up some of the finer details of conversion therapy, once, maybe to look into it for himself, maybe to ward himself away, he didn't know. It was hard to believe any of the treatments described on the Wikipedia page could actually help, or even cure somebody.

Chris and Connor were obviously good friends. They had been roommates as freshmen and still lived together in an apartment nearby with two other guys. Chris wasn't religious, though he said his grandparents were Mormon but after the death of his sister his parents both decided to split off from the LDS church. Chris - or as Connor referred to him, Poptarts ("'Cause he loves them so much! It's crazy, honestly, I think there might be something wrong with him.") invited Kevin along to some house party they were throwing in celebration of their housemate's birthday.

Kevin hesitantly agreed, Chris cheered, and Connor ushered them both out of the room, bemused.

---

"Hi Mom! Dad!" At his sibling's offended looks, he added, "And all of you too, of course."

"Kevin, dear! It's been so long!"

"Only a month since I started college."

"Doesn't seem that way, son!" His father beamed at him and gestured for them all to sit down. His siblings - Jared, Gabriel, Carson and Alice (Jack was absent as he had moved out of the state for a job) sat as well.

"So, how's college?" His father asked him while picking up a menu.

"Uh, yeah, great. I'm kind of annoyed I can’t start Social Work yet, but I only have to wait another few months. My roommate is pretty cool. I have some friends."

His mother side-glanced at his father and Kevin knew whatever was coming next wouldn't be good. "Aren't there a lot of... girls? In Social Work?"

He wasn't entirely sure if this was a jab at him not having a girlfriend or a jab at the potential femininity of his chosen major, so he settled on the truthful answer. "Uh, yes?" He picked up a menu as well and pretended to be engrossed in it. He really hoped this wasn't going to turn into a well I was already married when I was twenty-three, Kevin, don't you think you should be thinking of settling down? or so, any girls catching your eye? orKevin, I really can't wait to be a grandmother!

"So... Think any of them will catch your eye?"

Kevin squeezed his eyes shut and offered God a silent prayer to help him get through this. What sort of a question was that? "I don’t know, mom." He suddenly remembered why he had been so eager to get away from his parents.

"So, you don't have a girlfriend?"

"Mom, could we not?" He pleaded.

She shrugged nonchalantly. "I'm just worried about you, Kevin!"

"Well you shouldn't be!" He said a little louder than he intended. He clenched his jaw and put on a wide smile. "You shouldn't be. I'm fine." He said calmly.

"Someone's a little defensive," Alice said sweetly.

"Shut up, Alice."

"Hey!" His father said sternly, eyebrows raised. "That's no way to speak to your sister!"

Kevin looked between his parents and his sister, who was staring at him smugly. Jesus. "Sorry, Alice." He apologised through gritted teeth.

"It's okay, Kevin." She went back to her menu, with a prim little roll of her shoulders. Alice, being simultaneously the youngest and the only girl of five boys, could get away with close to anything and their parents always took her side. It was infuriating and she was fully aware of it, frequently using their parent's favouritism to get what she wanted.

Thankfully, a minute later a waitress slid up to the table and took their orders. She piled their menus up into a stack and carried them away, taking the only barrier Kevin had between his well-meaning but ultimately irritating family.

"What's your roommate called again?"

"Ty."

"Is he LDS?"

"No. He's atheist, I think. It doesn't really come up."

His mother gave a scandalised look. "Are you friends with any Mormons?"

"Uh, yeah, a lot of them are. I live in Salt Lake City, Mom, just next door to the the Mormon capital of the world. Jenny, Cal and I guess maybe Chris too? That I know of. Not all of them have been on missions and I haven't asked around or anything."

"Is Jenny nice?"

"Oh my gosh, Mom! Please drop it."

"I'm just asking!" She protested.

"Yes, she's wonderful." He snapped. "A real, God-fearing Mormon. Are you happy?"

"Kevin, don't use that tone with your mother!"

He sighed angrily. "Sorry, Mom."

"It's okay, Kevin, dear, just don't talk like that to me again. I just want what's best for you."

"Okay, Mom." He replied, defeated.

Kevin diverted the conversation to his sibling's various endeavours and luckily his parents didn't bring up relationships again. It was incredibly awkward to talk about, and it wasn't as if he was going to chat about his crushes with them, especially not in front of his siblings, God, that would be so embarrasing.

Once the meal was over and done and they split ways, Kevin felt worse for having seen them. Pre-mission Kevin would have been fairly happy to spend any time with his family, but now, once he had realised how oppressive his parent's rule had been, that time felt exhausting and prolongated. He wished, in some ways, he could tell them about his newfound sexuality in the way a kid wants to show everything off to those they admire: Look, Mom! I did some digging and realised I'm not straight! Aren't you proud of me for figuring it out all by myself? But he knew in reality it wouldn't go well in the slightest. He collapsed on his bed, and Ty gave him a funny look.

"Dinner didn't go well?"

Kevin groaned into his pillow. "Parents," he growled.

Ty laughed. "I feel ya, bro."

---

Three months after that first QSA meeting was Christmas break. Kevin had survived his first semester away from home and was altogether feeling better for it.

In that three months, he had tried a few different alcoholic drinks, and found them somewhat to his taste, and tried coffee, which he loved . He also come very close to drunkenly making out with a girl - some stranger - in a bar, but Connor had dragged him away, which sober Kevin was eternally grateful for. It wasn't becoming of him at all and he still got a little bit red in the face whenever someone mentioned it. Of course, he told his parents none of this, especially when they asked if he had "met any nice girls." They always asked this, even when Kevin phoned or that time they met up for a meal. It was irritating him no end.

His siblings hadn't changed at all in in absence, apart from a few additional half-inches in height. Jack returned home from his job in Colorado or a few weeks, and since Kevin last saw him had acquired a girlfriend, so of course he was fawned over a little by their parents. As said girlfriend had gone home to her own parents for Christmas, Jack proudly passed around a photo on his phone of her to the cooing relatives. All of this made Kevin incredibly bored, so when he could, he elected to spend time in his room studying. Jack was an odd creature - he’d chosen to pass on a mission, and now that Kevin was older, he was beginning to realise that Jack wasn’t as devout as perhaps he’d assumed. He was career driven and endlessly motivated by material wealth. It wasn’t very Mormon of him and their parents disliked it.

On the 29th of December, Connor called him after lunch. He and Kevin had become kind of good friends, certainly Kevin's best friend at the U (although he was sure Connor wouldn't say the same about him, which made him a bit sad but he mostly tried not to think about). They met up for lunches, Kevin tagged along with him Connor's friends parties, and they occasionally studied together, although they had no classes in common. He would constantly be pulling out his phone to text Connor something, a joke or a commentary, then remember that it was embarrassing to be continuously vying for his attention.

"Hey, do you want to go for a drive later? I want to go to the lake."

"Sure, that sounds cool. Will anyone else be there?"

"Nah, just us."

"Alright, well, I'll see you later?"

At half past four, Connor knocked on his door. Kevin bade farewell to his confused parents before they both went out to his car. Connor plugged in his phone to the aux cord, set his phone to shuffle and an acoustic song came on- Kevin vaguely recognised the melody. He had been trying to catch up with the films and songs and TV shows he'd missed in his time off-grid, but under his parents' roof it was hard to consume media that wasn't LDS-approved or Disney.

The sun was just beginning to set when they got out of the city, and the sky was a dazzling palette of pinks, purples and golds. Kevin rolled down the window a bit and stuck his hand out despite the freezing air. It was almost like time slowed down for a second, and Kevin had an odd thought of dissecting the moment - the good but unfamiliar music blaring through tinny speakers, the cool air on his fingers and rushing into the car, through his hair, the sky shifting and melting into a new and beautiful colour everywhere he looked. And Connor, his fingers drumming on the steering wheel, mouthing along to the words, a halo around his red hair making him glow like some higher being. It was as if for a second he detached from the scene and was observing it through new eyes and he was incredibly alive , more than he had been in months.

It was good. More than good.

"You can pick a song if you want, you know. Plug in your own phone." Connor shattered the moment, dragging him back down to earth disorientated and a little confused.

"What? Oh. No, I'm good. Who is this?"

"Taylor Swift, where the hell have you been?"

"El Salvador, asshole."

Connor chuckled and shook his head. "How did you like your mission? I don't think I've ever asked."

"It was good. A little underwhelming. I really thought I was doing something good, you know? Something incredible. But some of the stuff... I dunno. Felt like I could have used my time better, is all."

"Like, doing what?"

"I dunno. Educating the locals, teaching them English. Building... buildings. More of that sort of thing. We spent too much time trying to proselytize when we could have been helping more."

"It can't have been that bad."

"It wasn't. Just tiring, boring at times. Sometimes people just didn't want to hear what we had to say - especially since we barely spoke Spanish at the start."

"Doesn't the MTC teach you that?"

"Yeah, but there's a huge difference between the classroom and some angry Latino man yelling at you at 50 miles an hour because you accidentally knocked over his plant pot."

Connor laughed. "That really happened?"

"It did! And I offered to pay for it but he just wasn't having it. He kept on calling me a stupid gringo over and over even after I said I was sorry. Honestly, I thought I was going to have a heart attack."

They both burst out laughing.

After he'd calmed down a little, Connor asked, "Who was your companion?"

"Guy called Arnold Cunningham."

"That's an unfortunate name."

"Not as unfortunate as the guy himself. Well, I shouldn't be harsh," he conceded with himself, "After a few weeks he really settled down and he was cool, you know? I miss him."

"What's he doing now, then?"

"He's from Maine, so I think he's at community college there, maybe doing computing? Or game design? Something like that, I’m not good with computers."

"Don't you talk to him?"

"Yeah, we Skype every so often. It's not the same though." Kevin replied sadly.

Connor nodded. "I get that."

Kevin smiled back. He rolled up the window and started gathering all his stuff together as Connor parked up on a grassy verge and they started walking down. The lake itself was a far away, but before it was a huge white expanse of salt. They walked for a while, maybe fifteen minutes, in complete silence. The sky was beginning to darken more into shades and hues of a deep blue and the air cooled rapidly. Kevin hugged his jacket tighter around him.

They reached close to the water's edge and took a moment to simply look. The lake was smooth as glass and distant mountains faded into the air. All Kevin could hear was Connor and their footsteps and the far-away roar of the city and interstate. He leaned down, touched the ground, and upon finding it dry, sat facing the lake. The rest of the bay was empty, and it felt almost as if it were just the two of them alone in the world, sitting on the shore of the Great Salt Lake.

"Pretty nice, huh?" Connor asked him, not breaking his gaze away from the lake.

"Yeah." He breathed. "I've never been to this part of the lake before."

"I have. With some buddies a while back."

Kevin hummed in acknowledgement. "Your housemates?"

"Mmhm. And a few others. We lit a fire and got told off by some passerby." He smiled to himself.

"How did you all meet?"

"My housemates? Chris through the QSA. James I met through one of my exes, you know, the douchebag one I told you about."

"The one who trashed James’ room when you broke up?" Connor nodded. "And what about Sam?"

"Neeley was James' buddy." He shrugged. "It was convenient."

"Does he - the ex - still bother you?"

"No. He transferred over summer, or so I've been told. The end of it all, thankfully." He paused. "Good thing, too, he was a dickhead. And he didn't like Taylor Swift, so, he had to go."

Kevin chuckled and a comfortable quiet fell on them. Since neither of them felt inclined to break it, it stayed until the sky was an inky black and stars were beginning to shimmer despite the light pollution only a few miles away. Kevin lay down, ignoring the cold seeping up through his jeans and jacket and Connor followed suit so they they were both gazing up towards the heavens. The longer he looked the more stars he could see, and he could pick out glittering constellations. He’d always loved the stars - in El Salvador, they’d been a constant reminder that this alien place wasn’t so far from home, that he could still pick out the patterns that he could in his backyard with his father.

After a while like that, Kevin felt Connor's hand trail down his sleeve. He looked at Connor in confusion who stared back, his eyes dark and wide, daring him silently to do something. Kevin wasn't sure what Connor was trying to say to him to do until he surged forward to kiss him. Kevin jerked backwards - he wasn't used to having anyone so close to his face and for a second it was as if the floor had fallen away from under him.

Kevin made a confused noise from the back of his throat, frowning slightly, tense and bewildered. Connor looked back up to the sky, resolutely avoiding eye contact with him. His heart started jackhammering in his chest and his stomach was taut with sudden anxiety - what did it mean? His knee-jerk reaction was disgust, his skin crawling, head light. He took deep breaths and tried to quell the tide of emotions that were imprinted into him: he needed to be rational. There he was, vowing to be his own man. Now was the chance to prove it.

"Connor?" He asked hesitantly.

"I'm sorry, Kevin. I shouldn't have. You're not- I'm older than you, it isn't fair on you." He quickly replied. If it hadn't been so dark, Kevin was sure he would have seen blotches of red on his cheeks and ears. He could barely see him, just the outline of his profile against the white plains. Connor sat up and wrapped his arms tightly around himself.

Kevin tried to gather up his thoughts but they slipped through his fingers. He had no idea what to think. Had Connor been giving hints this entire time? God, why was he always so blind? Then the larger question that made his throat close up and his skin feel like he was being electrocuted, just a little: did he want this?

That was harder to answer. Could he want this?

Yes.

It was time to stop being scared. And besides, he was never one to back down from a challenge.

The world built back up again, supporting him as he took a deep breath and sat up as well. "No. It's... fine. Good, actually. I'm old enough to make my own decisions, Connor. I'm twenty one."

Connor looked back at him. "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

He grinned and this time, they met in the middle as everything fell into place.

---

That night, Kevin stumbled back into his house, punch-drunk on the butterflies in his stomach. He sprinted up the stairs and into his bedroom, slammed the door behind him and fell onto his bed, grinning widely to himself. He didn’t know what he was getting himself into, but he was sure as hell excited about it.

His phone buzzed. It was from Connor.

Goodnight :) see you tomorrow maybe? x

Kevin text back: Night! Definitely!! xxxxxxx

He smothered his hands in his face and turned over to bite his pillow.

That night, he dreamt of a temple in flashes and strange, Polaroid colours.  A baptism of the dead was to be held and he had been asked to participate. Of course he had - he was Kevin Price. But something was off about it all - his fingers trailed on the smooth horns of the golden oxen, and he looked around to the soft light coming in through the windows, which cast an ethereal glow on the chamber. But it was wrong, somehow. The room was a little to wide, the oxen a little too big, everything just off.

He stepped into the pool and the Elder  took his right wrist with his left hand and raised his other one.

"Kevin Price, having been commissioned by Jesus Christ, I baptise you, for and in the place of Connor McKinley, who is dead."

The water around him, which had been before a calm blue, was starting to tint red, heat up and burn his skin. He stayed dead still, not wanting to interrupt.

"In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost, Amen."

The Elder’s hand went to his shoulders, and another to hold his nose and he was tipped backwards into the water. His skin went numb, and then began to burn. His eyes were squeezed shut and he flailed as the Elder’s hand disappeared from under him. He felt the water rushing by, getting hotter and hotter and he felt compelled to open his eyes.

Connor stared back at him, eyes glassy. His body, clad in temple garments was floating, no bubbles escaping from his mouth, no movement from limbs. Kevin tried to jerk backwards, repelled, but he couldn't. He tried to swim up, but he was stopped by some force he couldn't see.

He couldn't move. All he could do was watch Connor gaze blankly at him in horror.

He realised with a panic that he was running out of air. He tried again to feverently push upwards to the surface, but he simply couldn't move. He twisted awkwardly, trying to break the ties that bound him, but he was stuck still, forced to stare at the corpse in front of him.

He became more and more frightened, sick to his stomach, and his skin began the flake away from his body, leaving it raw and bloody and tainting the water.

He woke, sweating, gasping for breath. He didn't sleep again that night. He felt choked on sin, like it was wrapping around his throat and stomach and mind and wouldn't let go. That night he battled with himself in a way he hadn't since he'd first whispered, brokenly, "I like men," to himself in the darkness all those months ago.

The fight was long and hard. He twisted and turned in his sheets, debating over and over again - scripture drifted through his mind--

Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination--

And left a whirlpool of emotions behind. He was caught between what his parents and church wanted, and what he, a person, autonomous, alive and independent wanted. He thought of the shame on his parent's faces, the disgust of his siblings. Rejection, abandonment, hate.

But then he saw Connor. Beautiful, broken, warm. His heart went taut as he realised why he had always gravitated towards him. It was because Connor was everything he wanted, and that was good enough - no, incredible - for his heart, soul, mind. Connor saw right through him, ever since their first meeting, and now he had guided his lost soul to a conclusion he never even knew he had in him.

Love was a strong word, one he’d shied away from since he was a little kid. Kevin could only hope one day he was brave enough to say it aloud.

He had a chance, right now, to live a life he might never get to again. A wife and children still wasn’t off the cards, but for now, why not live a little hedonistically? Fuck the church, fuck the bible and fuck Joseph Smith and his golden plates. They would all still be there for him when - if - he returned. He’d always doubted, just a little, those Mormon stories full of miracles. If it was true, God would lead him back inside of a church. If it wasn’t… well. He’d have his answer.

By morning, he was war-weary but emerged champion over his past. He stumbled downstairs, and his parents asked him if he had slept alright. If only they knew. If only they knew.

---

Some days were fine. On some days, Kevin adored Connor openly, and that was that and it was good. On others, he looked at Connor and felt the weights of guilt drag on his innards. He wasn't going to tell his parents about this, not until he moved out. To do anything else would be incredibly stupid and of course, Connor was a living example of that. But lying by omission was still lying and his old Mormon values still clung to his mind, refusing to shake off.

Overall he became more at ease and his confidence grew. There was nothing more ego boosting than knowing someone liked him, found him attractive. While of course he had already known that (he had captured the attention of quite a few girls in high school), he had always refrained from reciprocating, from letting the attraction grow into more. Connor made a comment that he had become more vain - "you check yourself out in every reflective surface, God," - and while before he had hardly been a slob, he would keep his room just that little bit tidier for Connor, ate a little bit better, and started going to the U’s free gym. This became apart of his weekly routine, and every Tuesday morning where he didn't have a class until 1 PM, he would wake up early and work out, then go to Connor's to shower and have an early lunch. It felt good to work on his body again after so long.

Connor's housemates, while initially seemed threatening with their hivemind-like fraternity, turned out to be a bunch of really good guys. They accepted Kevin pretty readily, and none had a problem with Connor being in a relationship with another guy. That sort of acceptance, from male peers no less, secretly delighted Kevin no end; he hadn't realised he had been missing friendship of that sort until he was craving it from them. They would frequently invite him to their pizza and movie nights, where he was educated on a whole range of films, from classics to new releases to the things he missed while in the south of the Americas. These were the highlights of Kevin's weeks and eventually he quietly abandoned his old clique in favour of what Poptarts enjoyed calling the "sexiest squad on the quad." This was kind of pretty confusing because the flat wasn't actually on a quad, but everyone just seemed to accept it, so Kevin did too.

Connor had three housemates in total - Chris, James Church, and Samuel Neeley. Kevin was told Zelder dropped by at the start of semesters as his college started term a week later than theirs. James Church was devastatingly handsome (Kevin was still getting used to appreciating men, but in James' case, one would have to be blind not to). His jawline, cheekbones, lips, eyes and body all fell together as if they had been hand-crafted to create a perfect lady killer. He was warm and affectionate, and often you would catch him and Chris cuddling on the sofa unabashedly. Those two were practically inseparable - soul brothers, if such a thing ever existed. Neeley was logical and straight-forward, sometimes to the point of rudeness, and had a bad habit of speaking over others, but was a witty guy and acted as the voice of reason in many situations.

His roommate, Ty, became a little estranged from him. While they didn't actually spend a whole lot of time together after the first few months, he found out about Connor and began avoiding spending time in his room. He never explained why, but Kevin suspected it was because he had felt that their "bro" friendship had been spoilt by Kevin being not-straight. Connor suspected Ty was a douchebag. Kevin began to increasingly realise that Ty's friends were uninteresting and they had little in common besides being in the same places at the same times, so he steadily distanced himself from them. Cal he still sometimes hung out with and was actually the first person he himself told about his relationship with Connor. Despite Cal’s liberal flavour of Mormonism, he was Mormon none the less, and casual acceptance from him meant more than Cal would ever know.

Him and Connor were never openly affectionate. Kevin always felt awkward and embarrassed about it. He wasn't sure if this was because Connor was male, or because he was shy of being coupley around others, but in any case, they both refrained from any more than leaning heads on each other in movie night. And of course, no hand holding in public. He knew this upset Connor, but he was reasonable about it. Sometimes Kevin felt a little bad about it since he'd practically dragged Connor back into the closet with him, but he could increasingly not imagine breaking up with him, especially not over that. While he had planned to possibly come out in college, it hadn't turned out that way at all, and he found himself avoiding all topics of his sexuality. Lingering guilt and shame still clung to him and it was hard to shed himself of his Mormon skin entirely.

But it was all good. His first year of college was all and more than he had ever daydreamed about - he'd found a major, someone who he cared about, and a group of friends he loved more and more every day.

Yeah. He had it pretty damn good.

---

Summer was hard. The days were longer and he filled them with nothing; Kevin longed to be back at his studies, longed for the squad on the quad, most of whom had gone home further afield than the Great Salt Lake for break. Being cooped up in his house with his siblings was excruciatingly boring and his parents were antsy to get him out of the house. When he wasn't taking on extra shifts at the cafe, he often resorted to long walks and meeting up with Connor when he could (Connor also worked and their schedule often clashed). He also decided to regularly go down to the religious LGBT group, which was therapeutic in some ways. It was nice to know that other people struggled as much as he did.

Luckily, Arnold Skyped him two weeks in and proved to be his savior in all of this.

Arn C Dog [16:34]: !!!!!!!!

Kevin [16:34]: ?

Arn C Dog [16:35]: i'm coming to Salt Lake in a week!!!!!!!!!

Kevin: [16:35] !!! How come?

Arn C Dog [16:35]: well my great aunt died so she's having a funeral

                       well i suppose she isn't having a funeral, she's dead

                       there will be a funeral, i will be attending

Kevin [16:36]: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that :(

Arn C Dog [16:37]: Nah i've literally never met her. anyways we're gonna be staying for a couple weeks so we can totally hang out!!!

Arnold arrived on the following Monday. Kevin didn't greet him at the airport, but he did meet up with him about an hour after they landed in town. When they saw each other, they ran and collided into a fierce bear hug. Kevin squeezed him tightly and whispered: "Ugh, I've missed you so much, little buddy! I can't believe we haven't seen each other in a year!"

Arnold rubbed his back and squeezed back. "I know, right? I missed you too!"

They pulled apart, grinning widely. They then decided to take a stroll downtown to catch up. Arnold was finding his studies to be interesting, though he hated gen eds and despite never being particularly good at academics due to his ADHD, he was finding it a lot easier to manage now because of adjusted medication and generally did well in all the practical assignments. He was also given some accommodations from this, unlike in high school where they’d been tougher than they should have on discipline. They also talked about films - now that Kevin was more up-to-date with it all, the conversation was far more two way then it ever had been before. Arnold was delighted about this and gave him more films to add to his list to watch, as well as a couple of TV shows which he deemed to be just as important as the films.

Somehow the topic drifted onto relationships. Kevin had made a jokey point about Arnold being a loner, but Arnold had rubbed his back and flushed slightly.

"Actually, I have a girlfriend!" He said proudly, looking pleased with himself.

"What!? Why didn't you tell me?"

"It didn't come up! And I didn't want you to laugh!" He protested.

"Why would I laugh? That's awesome! Who is she?" Kevin grinned. While the thought of his childish friend making out with someone or something was, well, a bit gross, he was still happy that he'd found someone who liked his particular brand of weirdness enough to date him.

"Well, um. I met her online. Her name is Nabulungi, and-"

"Wait, Nabulungi!?"

"Don't laugh at her name, Kevin, that's racist."

"No, no, it's not that - what's her surname?"

Arnold thought for a second. "Het- Huh- Hatimbi."

Kevin laughed. "I know her!"

"You do?" He asked, wide-eyed.

"Yeah! She's goes to the Q-" Oh. He was going to have to explain some stuff, wasn't he? Well, he should have known it'd happen anyways, and he didn't want to lie to Arnold. Arnold had stuck by him even when he was an asshole for those first few weeks in El Salvador, was there for him when things were tough and he found himself doubting. He deserved to know the truth - and really, Kevin didn't want to have to miss out this new, big part of his life. He could lie to his parents for his own safety but he couldn't just lie to Arnold for his own peace of mind.

"The what?"

Kevin hesitated uncomfortably. "Well. Um. Arnold, there's actually something I need to tell you."

"Okay?" Arnold glanced up at him, and realising Kevin's seriousness, suddenly gaped. "You're not ill are you? Oh my God, you're not ill? I can't lose you!"

"No! No, no, nothing like that. It's just, um..."

Arnold was looking up at him through his glasses, unintentionally doing puppy-eyes. Oh wow, this was going to be hard. He almost felt like he was spoiling Arnold's innocence. He really hoped he’d would take this well. He could handle being estranged from his roommate, but not Arnold.

"You see, um. I... I go to a Queer-Straight Alliance. Because I'm queer. I also have a boyfriend?" He winced.

Arnold stopped walking and stared. "What?!"

Kevin's heart sunk. "I know it's a big shock, Arnold, but please hear me out-"

Arnold put up a finger to Kevin's lips. "Shh." Kevin made a confused noise but kept silent. He could see the cogs working in Arnold's head. After an excruciatingly long pause, slowly, he said, "It's okay."

Kevin grinned. "Really?"

"Yeah. It's okay. So are you not Mormon any more?"

"I dunno, Arnold. I'm trying to figure it out. I don't go to church any more."

"Do you, uhm," he lowered his gaze and winced. "Still wear garments?"

"Yeah. More out of habit, though. A two year habit is hard to break. I threw a lot of it out before going to El Salvador, as well."

Arnold mulled this over for a few seconds. "What's his name?"

"Who? My boyfriend?" Arnold nodded. "He's called Connor."

"Okay." Arnold didn't look like he was jumping for joy or anything for Kevin, but it was a more positive reaction Kevin could have hoped for. "Since when are you gay?"

"I'm not gay, Arnold. I'm... well, I suppose bisexual. But I don't really like that word."

"Bi... sexual?" He looked confused. Bless him, Kevin thought, he really was trying to understand this.

"You know, like someone who likes boys and girls."

"Oh! I know that one!" Arnold beamed in a childlike way, pleased to be getting something right, then asked, "what’s wrong with bisexual?"

"Nothing’s wrong with it, I just… I dunno. It doesn’t seem right. Maybe I’ll come to love it."

"Well, I suppose that's all alright, so you could still choose to be straight?"

Kevin sighed. "Arnold, I'm not straight. I could choose to be with a woman, I suppose, but at the moment... I really like Connor."

"Do you loooooove him?" Arnold giggled and stuck his tongue out.

Kevin groaned and whacked Arnold on his arm. "Shut up, you're the worst."

"You love me!"

He did, there was no denying it, so he just moved the conversation swiftly on, and that was that.

---

"What's that boy you spend all your time with, Kevin?"

"You mean Connor?"

His mother nodded. "Yes, him. How come you've never introduced us?"

Kevin froze. "I didn't think to." He replied, picking out his words carefully.

"Well I think your father and I would quite like to meet him. You seem to be good friends. Maybe he could come around for dinner some time?"

Kevin grimaced, his mind running through a million ways this could go wrong. "I suppose I could ask him."

His mother beamed at him. "Excellent! Ask him if he's allergic to anything, we wouldn't want  a repeat of the Todd incident, now would we?"

Kevin nodded mutely. Later that night, he phoned Connor.

"Hi."

"Hey, Kev. What's up?"

He sighed and rolled over onto his stomach. "My mom and dad want to see who I've been spending all this time with."

"Oh." Connor replied. "Well. I can see how that could go wrong."

"Uhuh. But I think if you didn't come, my parents would just continue badgering me about it for the rest of summer."

"Kevin, darling, I'm an actor. I can fake straightness for one night. I faked it for sixteen years. And I can be Mormon again if it's gonna make them like me more."

"I don't want to put you in a situation you don't like, though."

He heard Connor sigh over the grainy line. "I'll be fine, Kevin, there's no need to worry about me. What are they going to do, be passive aggressively rude? I can deal with that. And besides, you're an adult. You can call the shots."

"Yeah, that's a nice thought, except I live with them, so they call the shots." He snapped.

"Okay, okay, I know. I'm sorry. Listen, it's all fine. We can do this, just one night. And besides, your parents won't expect it of you or me, it'll fly right over their heads." He soothed.

"I suppose." Kevin replied reluctantly. "Okay, I'll tell her you're free, then? Hey, you could probably sleep over as well."

"That'd be good. Go for it."

So Kevin went downstairs and told his mom and a date was arranged. That Thursday, Kevin heard a knock on the door and he half-stumbled down the stairs to greet Connor first. He swung the door open and he was there, a grin on his face, carrying a duffel bag, clad in a smart plaid shirt and loose jeans he'd never seen before. Kevin rose an eyebrow at them.

"Poptarts lent me them. I figured it'd make me look less, you know." He shrugged bashfully. "Anyways, hi!"

"Hello! Come in!" It felt odd to not greet him with no kind of even brief affection, but he was too nervous to even consider it.

"Oh, you must be Connor!" Kevin's mom popped out from around the door and smiled friendly.  "Well, come right in! Dinner is going to be another five minutes. It's shepards pie, hope you like that?"

"That sounds wonderful, Mrs. Price."

"Oh, there's no need for the formality! Just call me Janice. I'm sure Kevin can introduce you to everyone else."

Connor nodded in an agreeing fashion and Kevin lead him into the living room where Jared, Alice and his dad were all sat around a TV showing some Fox News report on the Californian drought. Kevin introduced them all and gestured for Connor to sit next to him.

"So, Connor, what do you do?" His father asked, making small talk.

"I'm a full time student, but I do have a part time job at a bar. What about you?" He asked politely.

"A bar?" He repeated, ignoring his question.

Connor looked uncomfortable. "Pays the bills. I’ve been looking for something else." Kevin knew he hadn’t been - while it obviously wasn’t his job of choice, the owners took a shine to him and paid him more considering his lack of support from parents.

He nodded slowly. "I'm a solicitor. Not very fun but it pays well, especially when you've been doing it as long as I have! What do you study?"

Connor glanced at Kevin. Here be dragons. "I'm studying theatre education."

His father seemed to deflate a little and hesitate "Oh. Well. And you enjoy it?"

"Yes, it's very fun. Um, have you ever done theatre?" Connor seemed to be carefully picking out his words and trying to navigate to the most straight answer. Fuck, this was already a trainwreck.

"No, no! I was more of a football guy in high school, really."

"Oh, I was never much into sports."

"No?" Kevin could see his family formulating an opinion on Connor already, and it was driving him nuts.

"I don't like sports either," Alice broke in. "I much prefer horse riding."

"That is a sport, moron." Jared rolled his eyes.

"Is it?"

"Why else would it be in the Olympics?"

Alice looked down, frowning, and his father broke in. "Now, Jared, no need for that language." He reprimanded. "Apologise."

"Sorry, Alice."

"It's fine." She replied smugly.

"Jared! Alice!" Kevin's mom called from the kitchen. "Come set the table!"

The two younger Prices grumbled and trudged off to the dining room. "So," Kevin's dad started again. "What year are you in?"

"I'll be starting next year a senior."

"Uh huh, and how did you and Kevin meet?"

"My roommate was friends with one of his friends," Kevin broke in hastily. "We met when I was invited to a party."

"A party?" He asked, scowling a little. "You didn't drink, did you, Kevin? You know it's against God’s will."

"No, Dad, I didn't drink." He rolled his eyes.

"Well, good. It's bad for you. I bet Connor knows that, working in a bar?"

"Um," he stammered, a little bewildered at having been dragged into Kevin's telling-off. "Yeah. You get people throwing up a lot, I guess?"

"See?" His father sighed. "Anyways. What do you want to do after college?"

After another couple of minutes of inane small talk, where his dad got to know and likely become increasingly weary of Connor, finally dinner was announced. They all sat around the table, Connor taking the head opposite Kevin's father, and after a prayer they all dug in. Luckily, his siblings managed to mostly fill the gap with their chatter, so little attention was given specifically to Connor asides when he put forward his own carefully selected opinion or thought.

By the end of it, Kevin didn't really know what he had been worrying about. Anyways, it wasn't as if his parents were just going to accuse them both of being gay and consorting with the devil. Connor helped in tidying away the table, ever polite, and thanked his mom for the meal and they filed back into the living room.

The rest of the evening was taken up with Finding Nemo, before one by one the siblings were instructed to go to bed until it was Kevin, his parents, Connor and a silence only he probably thought was tense. Connor was sitting next to him, and it was odd to be so far apart. Maybe he was more affectionate than he first thought.

Connor yawned. Kevin jumped in. "You seem tired, Connor, we could go up to my room?"

Connor looked a little bleary-eyed but otherwise fine. "We could?"

"Yes, let's go. Goodnight, mom, dad."

"Night, honey. Connor."

"Night Mr and Mrs Price."

Kevin dragged him out and up the stairs, collecting the duffel bag on their way through the landing.

"What was all that about?" Connor hissed at him.

Kevin shrugged. "It was boring. And you yawned. I couldn't bare being around those two any more, honestly, I thought my muscles were going to break from the tensing."

Connor looked at him a second, assessing, then relented. "All right. I've never seen your room before, I suppose."

Kevin lead them down the hallway and into his room. It wasn't especially spacious, but it was well furnished and tidy. Everything looked meticulously neat and that everything had its exact place where it belonged. It was just as Kevin liked it. His room was sometimes used as a guest room as well when he was away, since both occupiers - him and Jack - had left, so it was kept in a permanent state of limbo between a person's private room and a room that's decor wouldn't offend anyone. The curtains were still open and Connor wandered over.

"This is a nice neighborhood."

Kevin joined him over by the window. "It is." He wrapped his arms around him from the back and rest his head on his shoulder.

"I bet it was nice to grow up here."

"Mm. All my school friends were so close by. I was never bored. And there's a corner shop just down the way that used to stock loose gummy worms. I used to buy them with my friends and we'd split them up and eat them under a tree by the side of the road in summer." He reminisced about those golden days, filled with just milling around, happy with his friends where it didn't matter if they had nothing in common, as long as they had each other and their imagination. Discovering the world all together was all they needed, back then.

"I wasn't allowed out without someone with me until I was thirteen."

"Really?"

"Yeah." He replied softly. "South Salt Lake wasn't as nice as this. My parents were paranoid. It was understandable, though, the houses were cheap and it attracted all sorts." He turned around and kissed him lightly. "Enough about that, though."

Kevin closed the curtains and leant back in. Connor started deepening the kiss, pressing his body against him. Kevin broke apart quickly. "I'm sorry, I can't, not in my parents house. It's weird and..." He trailed off.

"You're scared?" Kevin nodded mutely. "It's okay. We can just get ready for bed."

"Thank you." He gave him a peck on the cheek and picked up his pajamas from off the back of his desk chair. "I'll use the bathroom first?"

"Go for it."

That night, Kevin lay, unable to sleep. Yellow street light filtered in through a gap and cast over Connor. Kevin knew from his breathing he was awake too. Something compelled him to out of bed and into Connor's, who rolled over.

"You okay?" He asked, his voice low and resonant.

"Couldn't sleep." He tangled their legs and threw one hand over his waist. He couldn't care less about the consequences right now. No one would walk in, and he was an early riser, a habit left over from his mission. In the dead of night, anything could happen without consequence. It was a time unto itself.

"Me too."

"Anything on your mind?"

"Anything on yours?" Connor retorted cheekily.

Kevin laughed softly. "Nothing more than usual."

"Same."

After a few minutes of warm quiet, Kevin shifted slightly. "Hey, you know Zel?"

"I’ve heard of him."

Kevin groaned. "You know what I mean. What was he?"

"What do you mean? As in, his race? He’s half Israeli."

"No, no, I mean his sexuality."

"Oh, um." He paused. "I want to say demisexual but I’m not sure that’s right."

"No, I think it is. You said he was changeable."

"Oh yeah, he is. He was bi when I met him, then pan, then demisexual, then pan again. He changes every other breakup, it’s ridiculous."

"And demisexual was when you don’t feel attracted to people until you have a strong bond with them?"

"Yeah. What’s this sudden interest in Zel? Should I be jealous?"

Kevin smiled in the darkness."No. I was just thinking. I’ve never really… Well, on my mission, there was this guy, and he ended up having a bit of a crush on one of the Sisters. And I asked him about it, why he got so flustered around her, and he said something like, "have you seen her chest?". And, I dunno."

"You didn’t realise she was, um, sexually attractive until he pointed it out?"

Kevin nodded. "Yeah! It just hasn’t crossed my mind. She was good looking enough, but not… I never noticed she was hot. That’s a bit weird, isn’t it?"

Connor sighed and rubbed Kevin’s arm. "Are you asking me if you’re demisexual?"

"I don’t know. I didn’t realise you were attractive until you tried to kiss me. I knew you were objectively but I’d just never thought of you like that."

"But do you now?" Connor paused then added, "I’m not just asking that for a compliment, I’m just saying, you might be ace."

Kevin rubbed his face with his hands. "I do. There’s so many confusing terms," he sat up slightly in frustration and rested his arms along his legs.

"Hey, it’s alright." He sat up too and put an arm around him. "You don’t need a label."

"But I want one. It’d just be nice to be able to say, "this is what I am," rather than bisexual-but-not."

Connor rubbed his arm. "Well, we’ve been going out for a few months now. It’s not been a huge amount of time, but ignoring your beliefs on sex before marriage and ignoring your internalised homophobia when we met - would you be more willing to have sex with me now than, say, a few weeks into college?"

Kevin considered. While that level of intimacy was still frightening, and having sex just for the sake of it seemed to him frivolous and something between only married partners, he had no real reason that he wouldn’t. He wasn’t disgusted or repelled, just scared. He pictured it, how he imagined it might all go, and… it wasn’t bad. Not at all. "Yes." He inhaled sharply.

"Well, there you go. You might be demisexual." He said simply.

Kevin grinned, feeling happier for a resolution. "I just might be." He leant over to kiss Connor, then shuffled back down until he was lying flat again. Connor joined him and rest his head on his shoulder. He felt a strong, sharp feeling well up in his chest.

"I’m glad I met you." He blurted out. I love you was too much, far too soon, but it was as close as he could get right now.

He felt Connor to move to look up at him through his garment top. "Me too." He slowly drifted off like that, wrapped around Connor. Where he always wanted to be, he thought sleepily.

---

"What're we gonna do, Kevin?"

Kevin put his reading down and rolled over - he was resting between his legs while he studied, and Connor went over lines or practiced lyrics in songs. He put his arms on Connor's stomach and rested his head on them as he looked up.

"What do you mean?" He felt Connor switch from stomach to chest breathing as he put down his sheet music.

"After college. I've already finished three years. I only have one left, after this."

Kevin chuckled softly. "Connor, that's a year away. There's no need to worry about it right now."

Connor sighed and placed a hand in Kevin's hair, running his fingers through it. Kevin adored it when he did this and leant in happily. "I know."

"You worry too much."

"I know."

Kevin smiled up at him and then did an army-crawl up so he was level with Connor's face. He leant in and kissed him softly.

"What do you want to do?"

"After college? I dunno. Find a teaching job. Audition for as many things as I can, I suppose."

"I'm sure you'll get all the parts you try out for." He brought a hand up to push Connor's hair out of his eyes.

"It's not that easy."

"Exactly, and you'll still get the parts."

Connor grinned and shook his head. "I will?" He asked playfully.

"Uh huh, and then we're gonna move to New York so you can be in... in... Les Miserables!"

"It's pronounced Ley Miserab, Kevin."

"Alright, fancy pants. Anyways, who here is fluent in Spanish?"

"Sure as shit not you."

Kevin laughed. "Alright, I'll give you that one. I'm a bit fluent."

"Like, half fluent."

Kevin acted offended, rolling off Connor and indignantly flipping imaginary hair behind his shoulder. "Give me credit!"

"Like... three quarters."

He moved onto his side, bent one leg and propped his head on one arm while stretching the other luxuriously.  Connor watched all of this with an eyebrow raised and biting his lip to stop him from laughing. "Oh, young man, you flatter me!" He said coyly.

The dissolved into giggles and Kevin shuffled in closer so Connor could rest his head on his chest. Kevin felt the light hearted atmosphere fall away and leave something colder, more uncomfortable behind - something that made him want to keep Connor tighter to him.

"We'll be alright. We can figure something out when the time comes." Kevin assured him.

"I know." Connor murmured. Kevin could feel his words on his chest. He didn't sound entirely convinced, but for now, they had each other. Even though Kevin knew that it had to come to and end at some point - all good things did, after all - he would try and enjoy it, stretch it out as long as possible. He dreaded the end, but more so, he dreaded having to explain this to his family when that bridge came for him to cross. He was still their perfect little boy and the disconnect between the two realities was killing him. He didn’t fear God in Heaven, but his parents on this broken earth.

Right now, however, he was happy being accepted by his clueless family and by his loving friendship group and detested the possibility that one day he might have to choose. He preferred Connor’s God to his family’s, who was all-loving, truly and completely, no catch involved. His parents couldn’t tell him that it was wrong. And if they did… well.

He was reminded suddenly of some quote, plastered on the wall of an old friend.

I'll burn that bridge when I come to it.