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I vividly remember the night we became fuck buddies, we were in Gelo’s unit, he was playing on his computer, headphones on as they played, I paid no attention. I was just on his bed, scrolling through tiktoks.
“Fubu?”
“Huh?” tumingala ako from my phone at tinignan si Gelo.
“Gusto mo maging fuck buddies?”
“What happened to hello?”
“Hi, Jelly, Do you want to be fuck buddies with me?” I grinned, I thought he’d never ask.
Umayos ako ng upo, he removed his headphones and walked towards me. “Sure ka?” I asked.
Gelo didn’t reply, he just walked towards me, eyes filled with lust. “Do I need to convince you, Jelly?” I closed my eyes, ramdam ko na ang mga halik niya, simula pisngi ko, papunta sa labi.
“ You look so good in my clothes, Jelly,” He whispers, nibbling my earlobe, pababa hanggang sa leeg ko.
One thing about Gelo is he knows everything about me, he knows the buttons he needs to press to make me feel good. “Gelo…” I whispered, ramdam ko ang kamay niya papasok sa loob ng tshirt, his thumbs tracing my nipples as he kissed me, his tongue dominated mine. I was willingly his.
And before I knew it, I was naked in front of Gelo. He was praising my body, whispering my name like a prayer.
“Fuck! Jelly!” He grunts, “Ang sarap mo!” Ni hindi na ako makapagsalita sa sarap, I was just moaning and whimpering his name. His tongue on my pussy felt like heaven.
“G-gelo!” I fought the urge to close my legs as he inserted a finger, his tongue was still playing with my clit. “ S-sarap… more!” I whimpered, Gelo met my eye as he ate me out.
Tangina. Alam na alam talaga kung paano ako kunin.
“ Hng… Fuck! Gelo!” My legs were shaking from the pleasure he was giving me. I was sure that Gelo liked me like this… at his mercy.
Gelo pulled his mouth away, lumapit siya sa akin at hinalikan ako. I could taste myself from his mouth. “Ang sarap mo diba?” I couldn’t answer, his fingers were still moving inside of me. His mouth found its way to my nipples and I was near.
Gelo knows. Because before I can say that I was near, he pulls his fingers out, brings it to his mouth and teasingly looks at me.
I groaned, Gelo chuckles as he pulls his basketball shorts down. I kneeled on the bed, Gelo smiled at me, we’re completely naked now.
Gelo comes near me, stroking his dick, inilapit niya sa bibig ko. I smile back at him, delicate hands touching his member, Gelo closes his eyes as I wrap my mouth onto it.
Alam ko rin naman ang gusto ni Gelo. I look up at him, he pulls my hair as he thrusts his cock into my mouth. He likes eye contact during blowjobs.
It didn’t last long. “I told you, I’d convince you right?” He asks, I nodded. “Time to show you why you need to say yes.”
Natawa ako, Gelo didn’t need to do that. I was already his. And in my mind, being a fuck buddy would lead to what I want. A relationship.
I let him fuck me, raw, my back arched as he thrusts inside me, mabilis, madiin, malalim. Gelo knows how to press the button, with his arms under my back, mouth on my nipple as he moves.
“ Gelo… fuck! Gelo… sige pa… ugh!” I was chanting his name, like a magic spell. I want him to be entranced. I want him to be mine.
“Jelly! I’m near! Ang sikip mo!”
I whimpered, Gelo already knew what that meant. I was close. “Loob!” I managed to blurt out.
“Ipuputok ko talaga ‘to sa loob mo.” That was enough to send me to the edge, my legs were shaking uncontrollably as Gelo’s thrust became slower. I could feel his cum inside, I could feel it dripping down as he pulled out.
He falls onto me, still cautious of his weight. I could hear his heartbeat and feel his breath beside me. Ngumiti ako. “Okay, sige!”
“Huh?”
“Sige, tutal magaling ka naman, fubu na tayo!” I could feel his smile, hinalikan niya rin ako sa pisngi.
I like Gelo. I remember seeing him sa Buzz, sa may Tomas Morato, he was playing valorant, may pancit canton sa harap niya, nagulat nga ako kasi his uniform was peeking through his black hoodie.
I remember all the things that I felt when he smiled at me nung pinakilala ako ni Jan sa kanya.
“This is Angelo!” Jan says, laughing which earned a glare from Angelo.
Angelo looks at me. “Gelo na lang, only my mom calls me Angelo.”
“Jelly.”
He smiles, looking amused. “Jelly? That’s your name? Like your government name?”
I shake my head. “Secret.”
Gelo continues to look at me. “Wag mo titigan, baka matunaw.” Jan settles beside him and gestures to me to sit down. “Jelly, halika na.”
“You play?” Gelo asks.
Umiling ako. “Nasira lang laptop ko kaya dito ako gagawa.” He nods.
I was quiet the whole night, minsan nangingiti ako kasi naririnig ko sila ni Jan na nag-aasaran, hanggang sa matapos ako. Alas dose na.
I tapped Jan’s shoulder. “Tapos ka na?”
“Oo! Una na ako, see you bukas kung papasok ka!” I teased. Jan nodded and smiled. “Gcash ko na lang bayad ko ah?” Tumango lang siya ulit, too occupied to answer me.
Sa gilid ng mata ko, nakita ko si Gelo, tumayo na rin siya.
“Oh! Tapos ka na?” Jan asks. “Akala ko ba ga-grind ka?”
Gelo shrugs. “Inantok ako eh.”
I paid no attention, tinapik ko lang ulit si Jan at ngumiti kay Gelo bago ako bumaba.
“Jelly! Wait!” Lumingon ako, Gelo was following me. “San ka?”
“Pauwi na?” Pang-aasar ko. “Bakit?”
“Sabay ka na!”
“Saan ka ba?” Tanong ko.
“Sa España, ikaw ba?”
“E.rod lang.” I answered, lumaki ang ngiti ni Gelo. “Hindi mo naman ako papatayin diba?”
He shakes his head, he opens the door of his car for me. “Hindi naman.”
The car ride was short, mabilis lang kasi wala naman traffic bukod sa stop lights. “Kailan mo papagawa laptop mo?” He randomly asked, his fingers tapping the steering wheel.
“Kapag naka-ipon na ako.” He hummed and didn’t say anything. Hindi na rin ako kumibo pa kasi malapit na rin naman ako sa condo. “Thank you, Gelo!”
“You’re welcome, Jelly.”
Ang gwapo. I knew that Gelo is my type, simula nang makita ko siya, I knew that I’d have a crush on him.
I didn’t expect to see him again, I went on with my life, hindi rin naman nabring-up ni Jan. Crush lang naman, walang meaning, happy crush lang.
Until I felt like the universe was making a way for me and Gelo.
“You work here?” Tumaas ang tingin ko mula sa kaha. Gelo smiles. Another black hoodie and specs… “Jelly! huy!”
“Ay! Sorry! Di kita nakilala sa salamin mo.” Palusot . “Ano po order nila?”
He grins. “Anong marerecommend mo dito?”
“Iced Buttercreme Latte.”
“Okay, isang ganon, tapos isang Iced Shaken Double Espresso.” Tumingin ako sa paligid kung may kasama siya but Gelo just grinned, handing me a 500 peso bill.
“I’ll call your name na lang.” He nods, as I give back his change.
Last customer na rin si Gelo sa shift ko, so I was able to bring him his drinks outside of my uniform.
“Tapos ka na?” He asks, sitting up straight.
Tumango ako. “Part-time lang ako dito,” I say, fixing my hair. “Oh siya, enjoy your drink, Gelo! una na ako!”
“This one's for you.” I looked at the drink, one that he carefully slid near me, Umupo ako sa harap niya, he smiled at me.
Our meeting at buzz was accidental, the others that follow, as Gelo said, were intentional.
Intentional enough that Gelo and I built a routine.
School, dorm, trabaho, doon lang naman umiikot ang buhay ko, but when Angelo came around, I learned how to live, how to have fun.
Maybe too much fun.
All of a sudden, the coffee dates, the hangouts in his condo unit became partying in Katipunan, yosi breaks in Tomas Morato, his cheeks flushed, hands on mine to “lead the way”, whispers in my ears asking me kung okay lang ba ako.
Our lives were intertwined from that moment forward, my workmates and friends knew him, His friends suddenly knew me, parang pumasok talaga ako sa buhay niya.
Jan always asked, kung ano ba talaga kami, and my answer was always the same. “Hindi ko alam.”
Because nights like this, where Gelo is facing his computer while I sit on the beanie in his room, he’d look at me and smile.
“Okay ka lang?” He asked, I nodded. “Patapos na ako, wait lang.”
“Take your time.” I’m always willing to wait for you. Gelo smiles.
We didn’t do anything yet, our label didn’t matter but we both knew it was something more than friends. Friends don’t do this, they don’t look at each other with desire, they don't act like lovers. They don’t spend majority of their time together, halos hindi na nga ako nauwi sa dorm ko, nung una toothbrush lang, pailan-ilang damit hanggang sa halos kalahati ng closet mo ay naging akin na.
“Antok ka na?” he asked nang lumipat ako patungo sa kama. Umiling ako, I laid there and scrolled through tiktok. “Jelly…”
I hummed.
“Fubu?”
I swallowed my pride amongst other things that night. How can I tell him that I wanted more when I know that this is the only thing Gelo can give me.
This and nothing else . That was 2 years ago.
“Juan Elias!” I cringed at my name, Gelo successfully knew my name when he met my mom, 6 months into being fuck buddies, he decides that our relationship was enough for him to spend the holidays with me. Hinatid niya ako sa Pampanga, he met my mom, my ate and he managed to catch their hearts as well.
“Juan Elias, kasi yung ate niya Jane Elisse, diba? Hindi na ako nahirapan.” Gelo smiles, tuwang tuwa si mama kay Gelo kasi sarap na sarap daw siya sa sisig. “Okay naman diba? Hindi ko nga alam bat nahihiya ‘yan sa pangalan niya.”
“Oo nga po, maganda.” hindi ko alam kung asado lang ako but the way he looked at me felt like something else. That night, in my childhood room, you made me feel like you loved me, like you wanted to learn more about who I was and not just your fuck buddy.
“Jelly!” I was snapped out of my trance when Gelo touched my cheeks. “
“Huh… sorry!”
Gelo shakes his head, a smile creeping its way to his lips. “Mukhang malalim yung iniisip mo ah?”
Umiling ako. “Malapit ka na gumraduate.”
“Ikaw rin naman.” Gelo didn’t answer, tuloy tuloy lang siya sa pagmamaneho. “Masaya ka ba?”
“Saan galing ‘yan?”
I shrugged, hindi ko alam. Sa totoo lang, akala ko hindi kami magtatagal sa set-up namin. “Gelo.”
“Jelly,” he started. “Okay ka lang?”
I want more. I want more that just to be fuck buddies, I want to love you the way I want to. Gusto ko ng buhay na kasama ka, Angelo. Ang daming pagkakataon na pwede ko sanang sabihin ‘yun, pero hindi ko alam, hindi ko alam kung bakit di ko masabi.
“ My Gelo.” You held my hand that night, tighter than usual. Hindi na bago na tawagin kitang akin, lalo na kapag nasa kama tayo, you smiled at me. “Paano kaya tayo after college.” Natatakot ako, I noticed the changes, siguro isang buwan na rin kaming hindi nagsesex, laging kain sa labas, sa coffee shop, siguro busy lang kami kasi graduating na kami.
“Hindi ko alam, Jelly.” He glanced at me, and then back at the road. “All I know is that I am thankful that I spent those years with you.”
“Mahal kita,” I whispered. Hindi tumingin sa akin si Gelo but he held my hand tight.
Suddenly, our routine changed, lagi siyang busy and I couldn’t find it in me to beg for his time. Hindi ako nasusundo, hindi kami nagkikita at palagi akong nasa dorm and I felt like were indeed near the end, of college or of whatever we were… hindi ko alam.
Who would've thought that we’d end on a random Tuesday night.
“Batch party daw, mamaya.” tumingin ako kay Jan.
“Pass.”
Tumabi siya sa akin. “Sumama ka na, feeling ko kasi may kasalanan ako sayo.”
“Okay lang ‘yun.”
“Dalawang taon yun, hindi yun okay lang. Dalawang pasko, Dalawang bagong taon, Dalawang birthday, hindi biro yun.” Pakiramdam ko kasi wala akong karapatan mag-move on. “Deserve mo rin naman mahalin sa paraang gusto mo, Jelly.”
And now I'm here, the lights were giving me a headache, the people were too close, o baka sanay lang ako na hawak ni Gelo ang mga kamay ko. “Kuha lang ako drinks ah!” I nodded. I smiled bitterly when a familiar song played, grabe naman, party 4 u pa.
I decided to stand up, I need room to breathe, babalik rin naman ako agad.
Everything became blurry, parang nasa gitna ako, nakatigil habang yung ibang tao sa paligid ko gumagalaw— tumatawa, sumisigaw, masaya, but all I could look at was you, hindi ko alam kung mapagbiro yung mundo, all I could remember was you, my – no, cross that out, Gelo, your hands was on someone’s waist and all I could think about was how unfair it was that I had you for years and I was never the subject of that gaze. Hindi mo ako matignan kahit nasa harap mo lang ako, and now you were too consumed by him and I hated that I can’t do anything about it, hindi ako makagalaw, hindi ako makapagsalita, pinanood lang kita, kayo.
We had so much, yet so little. Sana pala sinabi ko na mahal kita, baka kasi mahal mo rin ako, baka mahalin mo rin ako. But I think a part of you knew, alam mo na mahal kita, na I wanted more than what you can give and baka hindi lang talaga ako yung gusto mo.
“ Jelly…”
“Gelo.” I managed to smile at you. “ I’m happy for you. ”