Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Dan was 18 and had just become a pilot, Phil was 22 and had been in the program since he was Dan’s age. Despite this, Phil had not piloted any jaegers in his time at the Shatterdome in Anchorage, Alaska. He worked as a Jaeger psych analyst, and he exceled at finding pilots who would be drift compatible with each other. Very few knew that he had a brief past experience as a pilot himself, and longed to be in a jaeger with someone again. However, his first partner did not turn out to be as good a match as his own analyst had suggested they’d be, and it ended badly, emotionally.

Breaking up with a co-pilot was, he thought, worse than breaking up with a boyfriend. And the rumors had been true, that Phil had had feelings for his co-pilot at the time too. And he of course had been unable to keep this from his partner, who never returned the sentiments. Maybe that was why he decided to retire as a pilot and try to help other pilots find their match; to do better than his predecessor. And more than that, to mend something inside of him.

-

When Dan stepped foot into the Shatterdome for the first time, he wondered if he’d made a mistake. He barely knew how to take care of himself, how was he meant to protect the world from kaiju? How was he supposed to be able to operate a thing as big and deadly as a jaeger with another person and not get them killed? He clutched his backpack straps tightly in his hands as he was directed to his dormitory and advised that he would be sharing a dorm with bunk beds with one of the Jaeger psych analysts, Phil Lester.

Phil had not been informed of this change in his living situation ‘til Dan was at his door with a marshal, introducing him to their newest ranger. Daniel Howell.

“Oh, okay. Well, I wasn’t informed that I’d be living with someone new…”

“Think of it as a mentor situation, if you like. In fact, I’m sure you both will have plenty to teach each other. And maybe getting to know him will help you find a good co-pilot for him.”

Phil nodded from the bottom bunk. He knew the real reason he was getting a roommate after all this time. The place was getting crowded, and they had yet to build more barracks.

The marshal left, and Dan slowly walked in and shut the door behind him.

Dan looked around the room and saw a hair straightener on the desk against the wall opposite the bunk beds.

“Oh, nice, you have one too. So if mine goes on the fritz I can borrow yours.” Dan said, trying to keep things lighthearted to break the ice.

“Deal.”

“So, I guess I’m top bunk?” Dan said.

“…Yeah. I’m always nervous I’ll fall out of the top bunk.” Phil replied.

Dan laughed, and Phil blushed.

“Sorry. I’m not making fun. It was just… kind of cute.” Dan said.

Phil blushed harder.

“What?” He said, his letting his mouth hang open for a few seconds after he spoke.

“Sorry, nothing. Nothing at all, sorry.” Dan threw his backpack onto the top bunk and turned to the door. “I think it’s dinner time. Maybe I’ll see you out there, it’s fine if not.” He opened the door and left, closing it behind him as well.

Phil checked his phone. Two hours ‘til dinner. He sat on his bed for ten minutes wondering if he should go after him and make him feel less embarrassed. They’d have to be able to be in the same room, after all. After going back and forth on what to do, he got up and left to try to find him. It didn’t take him long to find him. He had, in fact, gone to the mess hall, and was resting his head on his crossed arms as he slept at one of the long tables connected to benches. He had already been able to tell that they were about the same height, and Phil was about 6’3”, but in this moment he looked small. He pictured the young man in front of him in a giant mech, and he felt protective.

“I’ll find you a good co-pilot if it kills me”, he whispered, now standing just above him. “Wake up, ranger.” He said, bending down to get closer to Dan’s ear.

“Hmph?” Dan said, turning his head back and forth in his arms. Phil wasn’t sure if he was trying to rub the sleep from his face or telling him no.

“I want to talk about plans for pairing you up with another pilot. Find someone you’re drift compatible with. It’s a priority.” Phil said, sitting next to Dan on the bench.

“What if I want you to be my co-pilot?” Dan asked after sitting up, his face still a little red from having slept on it for so long. He brushed his hand through his hair to neaten it.

“Oh. What? No. I don’t. No, no, I don’t do that.” Phil stammered.

“I don’t believe you.” Dan smirked.

“What do you mean you don’t believe me? You can look at my public records. I’ve always been a psych analyst.” Phil said, not sounding at all confident.

“Yeah, I’ve seen plenty of your records. I’ve seen the early ones too. I know you used to be a pilot. And from what I read, your physicality wasn’t your strong suit…”

Phil cocked his head to the side, mildly offended, but let Dan go on.

 “But you were dedicated, and smart, and more than smart clever. You worked hard to make a shitty situation with a matchmaker—”

“We’re not matchmakers.

“A matchmaker that even the public knew sucked. And tried to place pilots with each other that were disasters. Are you bullet shy now? Well you’ve never met me before.” There was a gleam in Dan’s eyes as he spoke that captivated and scared Phil. He had a feeling in his chest that he’d always imagined he’d feel before his first drift, before his first jaeger journey, but I had never felt right.

“I’m sure there are people much better suited—”

“If no one here has been right for you, what makes you think they’ll be right for me?” Dan interrupted.

“What…” Phil started to laugh, “So instead of assuming that I, being the common denominator in any failed compatibility test, am the problem, you’re willing to assume some stranger is the one right one in a sea of people?”

“Let’s just say I’m good at reading people. I’ve seen news interviews with you, talking about working with our pilots. You’re clever, funny, maybe a little unusual in how you operate from what colleagues say, but you make a world that is so bleak feel a little less so… I mean, just from what I’ve seen you, know? And like you said, you’re a stranger to me, really. But even I know that there’s something in you that other people, for whatever reason, don’t seem to get.” Dan said, letting himself say, possibly, too much.

“You think you’d get it?” Phil said, without an ounce of cynicism. His eyes had widened.

Neither of them could quite tell yet if the draw to each other was simply loneliness or if it was something more, but they decided together, quietly, before the mess hall filled with other members of the Pan Pacific Defense Corps, that they would see if there was more there. They also both agreed during their two-hour conversation that they would wait a few weeks at the very least before trying to drift, so they could get to know each other first as people before getting into each other’s heads.

 Once the room had filled with people and dinner was being served, they got their meals and sat together, looking for common interests, like video games, books, and food. Phil revealed his favorite band was Muse, and Dan got so excited he nearly knocked his drink off the table. He, too, loved the band.

“I didn’t notice, do you have speakers in your room?” Dan asked.

“I do! And I’ve got a bunch of their albums!”

“Oh, this is gonna be amazing. Best roommate ever.”

“Oh, uh… speaking of, uh, loud sounds while living with me. I should warn you. I’m a snorer. I actually think they let me have a room to myself for so long because no one wants to sleep in a room with that, and no one wants to have to hear complaints from subordinates who have to sleep in a room with that. But I do have earplugs in a drawer somewhere that you can use.”

“Works for me.”

Their time getting to know each other over the next two weeks could be split into three categories, fight training, spending time in the mess hall eating or in their room for down time, and going on little adventures around the Shatterdome.

One evening after dinner, Phil took Dan to watch one of the older jaegers getting repairs and updates while they talked. They soon realized it was not the best idea, as the work being done was loud, but rather than relocating, they just started leaning closer to each other’s ears to speak.

“I think they’re getting it ready for new pilots!” Phil said in Dan’s ear.

“That could be us!” Dan returned.

“It could!” Phil said, nudging Dan playfully.

Dan looked down and got quiet.

“You still want to, right?” Phil asked, putting his hand on Dan’s shoulder.

“Yeah, of course I do.” he said, looking up at Phil, “It’s just. There’s something I want to tell you.”

“Okay…”

“I didn’t have the best time growing up. I got bullied a lot. So some of the memories you see when we drift…” Dan trailed off, looking down again.

“Well, I’ve got something to tell you too.” Phil said, now placing both hands on each of Dan’s shoulders and looking at him straight on, “I am not very coordinated, and I don’t know my lefts and rights. I haven’t really looked into it medically, because I don’t want to get booted from the program…”

“Phil… what? And you want me to drift with you?” Dan said, leaning back dramatically.

“First of all, you’re the one who said he wanted to drift with me! Second of all, I think it’ll be fine. I think if I found the right person to drift with it would help steady me, you know? The last guy I drifted with was so wrong for me, if anything I was thrown off more. But maybe you…” Phil let his voice trail off.

“Dan put his hand over Phil’s as it rested on a metal safety rail, and Phil pulled away for a second before slowly taking Dan’s hand in his and letting them just stand there against the railing. Phil was sure he could feel Dan’s pulse in the palm of his hand.

“What are we?” Dan asked, turning to look over the railing at the jaeger being worked on.

“Honestly? I don’t know. But I know I want more of this.” Phil said, turning to share the view of the sparks flying off of the giant’s frame. “I love hearing you talk in your bunk at night about your favorite games and your interest in the mechanics of jaegers. I love wrestling with you during training. And… and I’m terrified that drifting will take all of that away.”

“Well, one thing’s for sure. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Really?” Phil smiled, looking back at Dan.

“Yeah, really. I mean, we’ve been assigned the same room.” Dan said, dryly.

Phil’s smile faded.

“Right…”

“Oh, Phil. I was kidding. I really do think we’ll stay friends no matter what happens. You can’t get rid of me that easily.”

Phil’s smile returned, and he nodded.

“How about this?” Dan said, turning his whole body, suddenly and excitedly, toward Phil, “we see if we can claim this old jaeger here, and once its ready, and I’ve heard them say it should be within the next week, we do a test drive with each other?”

“Do you know its name?” Phil asked.

“It?” Dan replied.

“The jaeger. It’s called Whisker Nightowl.”

“We’re going to pilot that jaeger, Phil. Whisker Nightowl is gonna be ours.”

“It sure is.” Phil said, as they both leaned against the railing to watch their future being made.

Phil had been sweating from the heat of the equipment being used on the jaeger since they’d come down here, but he was sure he was dripping sweat now, he was so nervous. Dan looked so excited. He wondered if he was nervous too.

He wouldn’t find out without a doubt until they drifted, and during the time leading up to it they had more dates, often consisting of the usual pop culture conversations or talk about their lives. The talk became more and more about shared interests, and they were often found in the mess hall playing checkers or scrabble or some card game.

Phil had introduced Dan to his stuffed lion. Small enough to keep in his bag most of the time. He didn’t share lion with most people on the base because he was sure he’d be teased about it. Dan loved it immediately, cooing at it as if it was a real small pet, and getting Phil to toss it back and forth to him ‘til he missed, and it hit the wall. Phil, petting the lion’s mane, decided that was enough of that.

Dan watched Phil gently return the lion to his bag with a soft smile on his face. In a world that had seen so much destruction since the kaiju came, in a world where we’re fighting constantly against creatures from another world, and Phil was still, above all, sweet. Dan had expected to meet only jaded and cynical men during his time at the Shatterdome, and he’d met many so far. But he’d found Phil, and no one else really seemed to matter as much anymore.

Dan had told Phil more about his school history. He had told him that he used to get beaten up, that he was threatened, made fun of and called names. He didn’t tell Phil why he was bullied until the night before their set first drift date.

Dan had just brushed his teeth in the bathroom and came back into their room to get into pajamas.  He got changed and climbed up into his bunk. He lay there in silence for several minutes, until Phil spoke from his bed.

“You usually yap ‘til one of us falls asleep. What’s up? Tired?”

“I guess.” Dan mumbled.

“You sure?”

“You should know something before we drift tomorrow.” Dan said, still mumbling. Phil propped himself up on his elbows to try to hear him better.

“I was bullied about something… pretty specific, most of the time, actually.” Dan said, still forcing Phil to strain to listen.

“Oh? Did you want to tell me before I see it?” Phil asked.

“You might hear some things said about me. They used to go around saying I was gay. And, well, even if it didn’t happen to you, I’m sure you remember what kids are like. They weren’t… nice about it.” Dan said, a little clearer now.

“I’m sorry you went through that. Really, you didn’t deserve that. Especially with everything else you’ve told me.” Phil replied.

Dan turned to look at the wall next to his bed.

“Yeah…” He said.

“Can I ask you a question, Dan?”

“Hm?” Dan answered.

“Are you?”

“Am I?”

“Gay.”

“Oh.”

Then more silence.

“You don’t have to—” Phil started.

“I mean, you’ll find out tomorrow anyway… and I think you already know.”

“I think you do too. About me I mean.” Phil agreed.

“Thanks. For everything.” Dan said, once again mumbling.

“You too.” Phil said.

“We should get plenty of rest before tomorrow. G’night, Phil.”

“Goodnight. See you in the morning, bright and early.”

Phil woke up, not to his alarm, but to Dan bouncing onto his legs in bed and excitedly telling him that they were scheduled to be at the jaeger bay in an hour.

“Since when are you a morning person?” Phil groaned, “we usually both make it to alarm 4 at least by the time we get up…”

“Oh, come on! You know today is different!” Dan said, shaking Phil’s thigh.

Phil wiped his eyes as he tried to wake up and process how differently this Dan was compared to how he was the night before.

“You sure about this?” Phil asked.

“You having second thoughts?” Dan asked, this time slowly resting his hand on Phil’s knee. His mood shifted to match the one Phil had been expecting.

“No! Sorry, God, no. I just… I know you were having a lot of feelings last night. About how today might go. What I might see.” Phil sat up and put his hand on Dan’s shoulder. “But I have zero doubts about wanting to try this with you.”

Dan shook his head as if shaking off a bad dream.

“Well. I trust you.” Dan said and smiled, and to Phil’s shock he flung his arms around Phil and pulled him forward against him. Phil started to giggle, wrapped his own arms around Dan, falling backwards onto his pillow and taking Dan down with him as they both broke into laughter.

“I think I just needed to know you’ll still be here. No matter what happens. Which I know is crazy to say when we’ve known each other less than two months. But even before drifting… I feel like I’ve known you forever.” Dan added.

“I feel the same way. About all of it.” Phil said, arranging himself so that he was turned toward Dan, who was lying on his back next to the wall, with his arm reaching across Dan’s chest and his hand lightly holding onto Dan’s shoulder.

“Do you think we could just… lie here for a few minutes, like this?” Dan asked.

“Do you want to shower before we go down to the bay?” Phil asked.

“Hmm. Probably should. Don’t want to stink up the suit.” Dan said, laughing and turning to press his face into Phil’s chest so that now they were facing each other, and Phil’s arm was lying over Dan’s side.

“I don’t think you’re stinky.” Phil said.

“You just don’t want me to get up.” Dan said.

“Well, yes. But also, you did shower last night. So I think you’ll be fine.”

“Your argument is very compelling.” Dan mumbled from against Phil’s chest.

The next moment, an announcement boomed over the PA system. “Rangers Howell and Lester, to the Whisker Nightowl bay. Howell and Lester to the Whisker Nightowl bay.”

“Guess they need us sooner than they said…” Phil rolled his eyes as Dan groaned and pressed his face deeper against Phil.

“Come on, lad. Let’s go.” Phil said, pulling away from Dan and getting out of bed.

“Wait!” Dan said, bolting up so fast from Phil’s bunk that he hit his head on the frame of his bed above, “Ah, fuck…” He rubbed the top of his head.

“Careful! Christ that sounded rough. You okay?”

“Yeah… I just wanted to say…” Dan stood up.

“Yeah?” Phil said, cocking his head. Dan couldn’t help but stare into his wide blue eyes as Phil looked at him expectantly.

“There’s something I’ve wanted to do for a couple of weeks, at least. And um…”

“Dan, we’re gonna get in trouble if we don’t—”

“Please, just. I’ll be quick I promise. I just need to do this. I need to know how it feels before.”

“How… what… feels before?”

“This.” Dan said, and leaned in to kiss Phil, whose eyes got even wider for a second before he closed them and kissed Dan back. They both took a step back and looked at each other for several seconds.

“I’d like to try that again. After this morning.” Dan smiled.

“Am I just an experiment to you? I don’t want to be your toy.” Phil replied.

“I swear I’m not toying with you. You’re a good kisser. I’d like to do it again. We don’t have time now, and we will later. And, well, I want to know if it will feel even better once we’ve been in each other’s heads. If it’ll feel more… never mind.” The word intimate had entered Dan’s mind. He thought it might be too soon for words like that. He had been oscillating back and forth practically since they met between feeling like they had been destined to meet, and feeling like any next step he took might drive Phil away. He felt mad. And he knew that drifting, in many ways, would only complicate things.

But if they entered the drift and they were compatible? Or something even more than that? It would make some things so simple. Like finding purpose. And a person. It would mean not feeling so alone anymore.

Phil could see Dan wanted to move on, so he put on a smile, took his hands, and planted a quick peck on Dan’s cheek, before telling him to get dressed so they could meet the team.

They each had some assistance putting on the heavy pilot suits, which bound to their bodies so that they could use the neural network to drift and control the jaeger together.

They both looked over at each other as often as they could while getting ready, nervous glances here, silly faces to make each other relax a little there. After what felt like an eternity getting suited up, they were ready.

They each got strapped into their respective apparatus, with Phil on Dan’s left, controlling the left side of the jaeger, and Dan on Phil’s right and controlling the right side. The jaeger was brought online; everything was prepared around them as they tried to stay as calm as possible to facilitate the drift.

“Neural handshake initiated.” said a voice over the pa system, and suddenly Phil felt seasick, as he started to not only see, but experience the feelings behind not only his past but Dan’s. “Left hemisphere, calibrated.” And a few seconds later, “Right hemisphere, calibrated.” Memories, thoughts, and feelings, all welled up and receded as they moved through the drift.  As they’d been taught, the drift was a place of relative peace. The emotions are moving through you, away from you. But there is the danger, ever present, of chasing the rabbit. Of following a traumatic memory and getting stuck in it.

Dan had begun to chase.

A memory had swept him into a school room filled with secondary school students taking their GSCEs. A boy the same age as Dan at the time, 16, loudly called him a gay slur, in front of everyone. It wasn’t even the worst he’d experienced. But something about how public this was. Dan was no longer 18 and trying to achieve his dreams in the jaeger program at the Pan Pacific Defense Corps. He wasn’t far from Reading anymore. He was 16 again, full of shame and fear.

An announcement echoed through the head of the jaeger.

“Out of alignment.”

Phil didn’t need to be told. He saw and felt it all. From the ways the jaeger was jerking from the poor neural connection to the ways Dan’s heart was beating out of his chest, despite being so still in his chair.

Phil felt Dan’s shame and fear and exhaustion all at once. He had heard Dan talk about his secondary school experience a fair amount, but even with the previous night’s revelation about why he was bullied, seeing and feeling it was like a gut punch. He couldn’t tell now if the nausea he was feeling came from the seasickness or the fact that he was experiencing just a fraction of what Dan had only two years ago. He then reminded himself that the Dan he had a duty to was the same man who was standing next to him in the jaeger. If he could reach him, he could do something to help the 16-year-old boy, sitting too still and too calmly at his desk, with a face that said he wasn’t there.

So he knelt down to Dan’s eye level in front of his desk and put on the gentlest tone he possibly could while extremely stressed.

“Dan. Hey, Danny. Please listen to me, okay?” Whisker Nightowl jerked to one side dramatically. Neither Dan nor Phil could hear one of the technicians in the control room gasp, thinking the worst was about to happen, and a few other officials began speaking quietly amongst themselves about whether or not to shut down the jaeger, and that would include the neural technology.

A marshal present proposed a plan to do just that if they weren’t able to recalibrate soon over the pa system.

“Soon? What’s soon? Just give me a minute!” Phil yelled, almost blowing out the audio on the control room’s headsets. They tentatively agreed. So long as nothing escalated.

Phil returned to 16-year-old Dan.

“Dan, it’s me. You’re not actually in this room. Okay? You’re in a jaeger with me. With Phil. You’re 18 and you got out of that horrible place. And you found me, right? And I can already tell this is something. So you gotta make it work too. Come on, Dan.” Dan looked up at Phil. He no longer had a blank look on his face. He looked like he was about to cry. And the boy who leapt up from the desk and wrapped his arms around Phil was no longer a past version of Dan, it was Phil’s Dan. The Dan he'd seen every day and every night for two months, now. And he wanted more.

“Neural connection recalibrated. Neural link looks really strong.” A voice announced. Dan and Phil didn’t say anything to the others. They felt miles away as they held each other in the drift. Letting both of their memories swirl and shift and move on around them. They could hear each other’s thoughts and feelings clearly.

After giving them some time to bond as pilots, they had them test out basic movements that were safe and executable in the jaeger bay. It seemed Phil was right. Being connected to Dan in the drift did, in fact, help him stabilize his movements on the left side of Whisker Nightowl. It wasn’t so much that Dan’s ability took over, but that Dan was able to sense and feel what Phil was doing at any moment and was able to compensate or adjust quickly and seamlessly to whatever Phil was doing.

“Your neural connection is fantastic, you guys. You’re definitely gonna need to put in a lot of work to get good, but you’ve got a hell of a solid foundation.” The marshal spoke over the intercom. “Let’s end things for today so you two can get some rest. The day after your first drift can feel like a bad hangover. Good work, you two.”

The jaeger was powered down, and Dan and Phil were helped out of the rig and then out of their suits.

The moment Dan wasn’t literally weighed down by his metal suit, he bounded over to Phil, who was one mechanized spine away from being free. The tech removed it, and Phil jerked forward from the force of the separation.

Phil could tell Dan was full of adrenaline, but there was something else, and he felt it too along with his own surging adrenaline. An intense flood of dopamine from the drift was flooding their brains. Phil wondered if I would be like when people give birth, with Dan forgetting the worst of what he’d just experienced after the high of what came after.

“That was incredible. We absolutely can do this. You and me. You were amazing!”

“So were you!” Phil said.

Dan’s face fell for a moment and was swiftly adjusted to a hollow smile. So he didn’t forget, Phil thought.

“Come on, I’m sweaty and starving. And I’m sure you need a shower too.” Phil said, not wanting to make a big deal of what happened around others.

“Oh, so now you’re saying I am stinky, huh?” Dan smile was real now, and he teasingly pushed Phil.

Phil sniffed the air.

“Yeah, I am actually!” Phil said, and pushed back, which turned into a slap fight. Another team of jaeger pilots walked by them on the platform of the bay and turned to each other with smirks, knowingly. They themselves had been together about 20 years and still remembered their first drift well.

Then, the marshal came up behind them.

“Gentlemen! Please compose yourselves on the bridge.”

“Yes, sir. Sorry sir.” They said in unison, before turning and walking the other way to go to the showers, snickering to each other as they went.

They got cleaned up and had lunch, before retreating to their room.

Dan sat on Phil’s bed as Phil closed their door.

“I’m sorry, about earlier. About what happened. About what you had to see… and feel.”

“You don’t have to be. We knew it would be a challenge. Hell, I’ve had worse drifts with my old partner.” In a way, that was true. He had had plenty of drift experiences that felt like trying to force two puzzle pieces together that may have looked on first glance like they fit, but one side of the piece is being jammed into the other, and one place has a gap, and the more you try to make it work, the more damaged the pieces get. He and his last partner didn’t work, and his partner became less and less interested in working on what they had together, and more and more hostility both in and out of attempted neural connections from his old partner. He’d much rather work through bad memories with someone who was all in. In fact, if he wanted to be a safe and successful pilot, it was what he needed.

With Dan, it felt like the most natural thing in the world, even the hard parts.

It didn’t help that drifting with Dan made something painfully clear to Phil. He was falling in love. And he felt Dan falling too. But just because they knew it doesn’t mean either was ready to say it out loud.

“I appreciate you being so generous.” Dan replied.

“I’m not. You’re no charity case, Dan Howell.” Phil insisted.

“They really did seem to be impressed by our compatibility once we got out of that hole.” Dan said, looking up hopefully at Phil, who was now standing in the middle of the room.

“They did.” Phil beamed. “Really, Dan. I’ve heard plenty of stories over the last few years and seen my fair share of first drifts between co-pilots. It’s rare to have one go off without a hitch. That’s why there are so many safeguards in place, so many personnel on hand.”

“Yeah, you got a point. So, you don’t regret going into the drift with me? Or wanting to co-pilot with me?” Dan asked, looking at the floor.

“You know the answer to that!” Phil put his hands on his hips indignantly.

“Yeah,” Dan replied softly, raising only his eyes to look up at Phil, “but… I’d still like to hear it.”

Phil’s expression and body language melted as he looked at Dan’s soft brown eyes. He thought about the boy he saw in that school room. He got down on his knees to Dan’s level, like he had inside Dan’s memory. But now he put his hands on Dan’s knees. Dan stared down at Phil’s hands until Phil took one of them and gently lifted his head up with his fingers under his chin.

“You showing up in my room one random day was the best thing that has happened to me. I can’t wait to pilot Nightowl with you. We’re gonna make a hell of a team.”

“A team.” Dan smiled. He then got a devilish smile on his face and interlocked his fingers at the top of Phil’s back and threw himself backwards onto Phil’s bed, pulling Phil down with him in retaliation for that morning. Phil let out a yelp before collapsing into laughter.

“I am so sore from just the little we did in the jaeger today, could you be a little gentler, Howell?” He giggled, as they both settled in side by side on Phil’s small bunk. This time Dan had his arm around Phil as Phil looked out at the rest of the room.

“Oh, you want me to be gentle?” Dan said, still feeling mischievous.

“Dan… what—” Phil cut himself off with a shriek as Dan started to tickle his ribs, and worse, he felt Dan using his feet to tickle Phil’s own feet. Phil started to flail and fell out of bed with a loud thud.

“Shit! I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!” Dan said, rolling out of bed to check on Phil.

“You! You!” It was all Phil could get out, as he couldn’t catch his breath from being tickled because he was laughing.

Seeing that Phil was fine enough to think it was funny, he broke into laughter too. He then extended his hand to help Phil up.

“I don’t suppose we can go back to cuddling?” Dan said, sheepishly.

“We really should work on our martial arts skills. I can see if the combat room is available for some practice. The neural connection isn’t gonna do much if we can’t at the very least defend ourselves, preferably be able to take down a giant creature. You know, the usual.” Phil smiled, but Dan was pouting.

“But even you said you’re already sore!” Dan said, looking a little miserable.

“What if I said our reward for our hard work could be sharing my bed for cuddles later tonight. When there’s no where to be, no one to answer to but sleep.”

“But I’ve already had to straighten my hair twice today! If I need to shower again I’ll have to do it another time.” Dan groaned, ignoring the bait.

“First of all, you hardly had to straighten it this morning, it still looked fine from yesterday. Second of all, you could just leave your room with your curls for once!” Phil said.

“I’d rather die!” Dan said, stomping his foot and whining so dramatically that they both burst into laughter at how ridiculous he had just looked and sounded. “Okay, fine. But I want to be the little spoon later, Lester.”

“Deal.” Phil said, stepping closer to Dan and wrapping his arms around his back as he brought him in for a kiss. They stood embracing and kissing for a moment, letting it go on longer than before, and feeling a great deal more confident about it.

“So?” Phil said as they parted their lips just apart enough for Phil to be able to speak, his bottom lip brushing against Dan’s after he did.

“So?” Dan replied, his eyes still closed.

“Your little experiment. Was it different? Better? Than before, I mean.” Phil said.

“Oh!” Dan opened his eyes and let out a laugh that sounded like a goose honking. It was the cutest thing Phil had ever heard. “Definitely better than the first one, which was great too, honestly. But this was… I mean we’ve been in each other’s heads now. So, yeah. And we’d done it before too, so… But we can definitely get better, too! Sorry, I’m waffling…”

“So what you’re saying is, practice makes perfect?”

“Exactly.” Dan smirked, cocking his head flirtatiously.

“Just like fighting!” Phil grinned, “Let’s go, mate.”

Dan groaned as Phil wriggled out of their embrace and grabbed his backpack.  

They spent the rest of the day up until dinner time with staffs in hand as a trainer and neural physiologist worked with them on their skills. It wasn’t about one person winning or besting the other. The significance of these training sessions is to hone their skills and learn to think and act synergistically. To move and fight as one.

Their movements were slow and unsure at first, but their pace allowed them to read each other better as they keyed into each other and studied the other’s movements and facial expressions. The longer this went on throughout the day, the better they got already, learning what certain motions and certain looks meant. At times they were reminded that they would be limited to how they could communicate in Nightowl, with their helmets and suits on, and so they would adjust their technique.

By the time they were relieved for a shower before dinner, neither had any interest in spending much time around other people in the mess hall. They showered and went and shoveled food in their mouths as quickly and inconspicuously as possible before heading back to their room for their well-earned reward.

Dan rolled into Phil’s bunk first and scooted as far back as he physically could to give Phil enough room in the night both for cuddling and in case they fell asleep there. In fact, both of them assumed they would fall asleep in each other’s arms.

When they first got into bed, Phil didn’t put his arm around Dan immediately. Instead he began running his hand through the back of Dan’s hair.

“Oh, I’m gonna fall asleep so fast with you doing that.” Dan mumbled.

“Is that a good thing?” Phil asked, still playing with Dan’s hair.

“Well, yes because it’s gotta be the best way to fall asleep. No because if I’m sleeping I’m not enjoying lying here with you.” Dan said, already sounding a little sleepy. Which was fair enough. They’d had a long, grueling day.

“Hmm, well, we’ll have another early start tomorrow. And another after that. And another—”

“Mhm, mhm, I get it.” Dan said.

“So let my dexterous fingers soothe you to sleep.” Phil said.

Dan started giggling.

“Never say that again, Phil. Please, God.”

“Oh, what was that? You want me to stop?” Phil said.

“Don’t you dare!” Dan whipped his head back toward Phil dramatically at the same time that Phil had his fingers intertwined with some strands of Dan’s hair, pulling at it when he turned. “Ow, Phil!” Dan cried, jerking away and hitting his head against the wall. “Owwww!” Dan cried again, this sounding a little pathetic. He cradled his head in his hands as he curled up in his spot in Phil’s bed.

“Oh, oh, oh. I was just teasing. I’m sorry, let me kiss it better. Turn here, c’mon, Danny boy.” Phil said, lifting his hand up, waiting for Dan to turn. And after a moment of thinking, Dan did turn, looking as pathetic as he had sounded a moment ago, his big eyes were wet from tearing up at the pain, and he was pouting. Phil put his right hand on Dan’s cheek and kissed the top of his head. “Better?” Phil asked.

“Immediately.” Dan said, his head still throbbing a little. But he meant what he said.

-

The days making up the next several months looked nearly identical to their first day together in the drift. They’d enter the drift in the mornings, doing calibration and warm up movements with Nightowl, and doing fight training the rest of the day, save meals. And at night they shared Phil’s bed, aside from nights when they felt too rough from training to sleep in a bed barely meant for one man. And that was a rare occurrence. They dreamt of each other at night and saw each other’s dreams in the morning.

They found themselves in a comfortable, if intense, routine, which meant they were never apart.

That routine was disrupted after 8 months, when a massive spike in Breach activity was reported. They needed more pilots to go out and defend the city. Whisker Nightowl was up. Dan and Phil against kaiju. They had spent over half a year training together daily, exercises growing more in depth and more challenging as the time passed. They had become exceptionally comfortable and confident in the drift, and were nearly as comfortable in fight training outside of their jaeger. Even when Phil lost his balance or made a wrong move, Dan often saw Phil mid motion and learned how to match and balance and adjust what they were doing. And they really believed they were ready.

They were briefed on the little they already knew, which amounted to the time of the breach activity and the fact that, based on the size, mass, and the amount of toxicity and radiation recorded at the time they came through, it was a category III.  They were transported before dawn by aircraft and deployed into the sea just beyond the harbor of Anchorage, where a kaiju had set off an ocean bottom seismometer that had been placed where the Breach was.

After wading through the water for only a moment or two, they felt it before it breached the water, their jaeger began to shake violently. What followed was a kaiju that was slightly bigger than them, also standing in the water, covered in scales and wielding a protrusion on its face that looked exactly like a sawfish’s rostrum.

Just as the thing reared back to gain momentum in its attack, they brought their arms together, crashing them into each side of the kaiju’s head, stunning it. They then lunged forward, in an attempt to break or damage its saw, but it managed to recover enough to bring its sharp and strong teeth down onto Nightowl’s head.

 It hadn’t pierced through to them, but it must’ve hit something electrical because sparks were flying around them in the cockpit, and alarms were going off that they couldn’t establish a reason for besides, “it’s fucked”. Seconds after the strike, they began searching to the best of their ability around them.

“Dan…”

“I know.”

“I think we’re in over our head.”

“I know!” Dan yelled, just as the kaiju resurfaced behind them. “We need backup. We need backup now!” Dan said frantically to those on standby back at the Shatterdome.

“We’re preparing support now. We’ll get them to you as soon as possible.”

“As soon as…” Dan muted his microphone connecting him to base, and Phil followed suit to give Dan his moment to let it out. “As soon as possible? We should’ve had backup from the start! Dan said, as they dodged a strike from the kaiju.

“You’re absolutely—” and the next thing Dan heard from Phil was screaming, as the saw nose pierced through Nightowl’s left arm and ripped it away from the rest of the mech’s body. Phil’s own body was jerked back so that his arms were pulled behind him and his back was arched as he howled in agony. His suit was seizing around him as it malfunctioned as a large section of his side of the jaeger was mangled, and it sounded like the machine wanted to take Phil with it.

After what felt like an eternity of panic, Dan knew he had to take over as much as he could, mentally and physically, while keeping Phil conscious, until they could get away. Dan hadn’t realized how quickly he would abandon a city, at the very least, for Phil. They just had to hold out until backup came. He knew they couldn’t turn and run. They’d be killed the second they turned their back.

He spent what felt like another eternity dodging and fighting off the kaiju with one arm, all while looking to Phil every chance he got and talking to him all the while to keep him with him.

“Phil, see? We got this.” Dan said, as he managed to get behind the kaiju for just a moment and got it in a headlock.

“Phil?” Dan said louder, and panicked, as he felt Phil’s thoughts grow fuzzy in his own mind and alarms notifying them that they were out of alignment began going off. “Phil! I need you to stay with me, buddy. Okay.” Dan tightened his grip around the kaiju’s throat and began dragging it back and forth in the water. Hoping the movement would startle Phil into a more conscious state.

“Dan? Why is the room shaking?” Phil asked.

“Oh thank God. We’re in a fucking jaeger Phil. Just hold on. Please stay with me.” And to Dan’s relief he could feel the panic rise in Phil’s gut as he became more aware of what was happening.

Then came relief for both of them, as Dan saw on their monitor that another jaeger was coming from inland, and shortly after was dropped close by in the sea.

The sun had fully risen by this point, and the orange of the sky was the backdrop for a screen full of red alarm messages. As soon as the other jaeger was within fighting distance, Dan released the kaiju, and in the couple of moments it needed to regain its bearings, he dealt it a hard punch. It was launched backwards into the water, and their fellow pilots stepped in, unsheathing what looked like an enormous Swiss army knife that unfolded to a great length, plunging it downwards. Billows of blood bloomed upward from the harbor floor, and Nightowl lurched toward land, leaving the other jaeger with its win.

Dan heaved a sigh of desperate relief when he saw that the aircraft that had brought them help had lingered. Having heard how bad things had sounded from the coms during the worst of it, they knew they’d be picking Nightowl up with at least one wounded pilot. Dan had kept Phil just functional enough to stay in the drift, but he would’ve taken anything as long as Phil would be okay. The lack of equal functionality was taking its toll on their ability to pilot their jaeger, though, and just before they made it ashore, Phil’s legs buckled, and Nightowl’s left leg went too. They toppled into the water, and at the sight of this the aircraft sprang into more urgent action, flying to them and hooking the jaeger up to thick metal ropes that lifted it, and Dan and Phil, out of the water.

Both Dan and Phil were in and out of consciousness now. And neither of them would remember getting pulled out of Whisker Nightowl’s head.

Dan came to a few hours later at the veteran’s hospital in Anchorage. A doctor with salt and pepper hair came in to evaluate him now that he was awake. He introduced himself as Dr. Abrams, and explained that Dan was largely, miraculously unhurt for what had happened. He had several muscle strains that would require pain medication, but nothing that required surgery to fix, and predominantly was suffering from exhaustion. They’d given him sedatives when he was first brought in to allow his body to begin to recover in a calmer state.

Dan had tried to interrupt multiple times, to no avail. Finally, Dr. Abrams took a beat to allow Dan to speak.

“The man I would’ve been brought here with… His name is Philip…Philip Michael Lester. He’s a jaeger pilot. I need to know if he’s…” Suddenly Dan could hear Phil’s screams all over again. His muscles clenched thinking about the pain and fear he felt from him in that moment, and his leg started spasming. He cried out in his own pain, a sensation that somehow felt less mentally distressing than what he’d just had on his mind, and found it a kind of sick but welcome distraction.

“I’ll order you more carisoprodol. It will help relax your muscles and help with the pain.” The Abrams said in response.

“I don’t want anything until you tell me what happened to Phil!” Dan yelled.

“Sir, there’s no need for that. I can tell you that your friend is alive, and yes, he’s here with us. He sustained much more serious injuries than yours. There are multiple muscle and ligament tears, a broken clavicle, electrical burns across his entire body. And the burns mean he needs to be on our burn unit, for specialized care… Although he’s very lucky the electrical current didn’t damage his heart. Your partner will survive, but it will be a long and difficult recovery. But if you’re as close as I know many jaeger co-pilots are, I’m sure you’ll be great support to him.”

Dan was irritated at the questioning nature of his last statement. As if there were anything he wouldn’t do for Phil.

“When can I see him?” Dan asked, curtly.

“Well, you may not have such severe injuries as your fellow ranger, but you still need to rest your body. And with the medication I’m about to put in for you, you won’t be walking around.”

“What if someone wheeled me to him? Or I took whatever you order for me when I got back? I need to see him. You don’t understand. I can’t just lie here comfortably, high off my ass, or worse, sleeping, when I haven’t seen him since we were in the water.” Dan insisted.

The man standing at the foot of Dan’s hospital bed had more than enough experience to know that it would cause him much fewer problems in the long run to facilitate a visit between the two in a way that was safe for Dan.

“All right. If you are willing to take the lowest dose we have available for a muscle relaxant and have a nurse wheel you to Phil’s room. He will need surgery in the future to repair some connective tissue damage, and between that and the burns, he requires pretty heavy-duty pain management. He’ll probably be out of it, if he’s awake at all.” The doctor advised.

“I don’t care if he’s awake or not. I really just need to see him.” Dan said.

All right. We have a deal. I’ll order the meds and check in with Phil’s medical team.

Dan hated that Phil needed an entire team to care for him, but he hoped he’d remember his mental note to send them a thank you card once Phil had recovered.

Dan stared at the ceiling of his hospital room from his bed, wincing through muscle spasms and worrying about Phil, until a nurse came into his room with medication to scan in connection with his medical wristband and then administer. She introduced herself as Hannah. Dan sat up, took the pill and swallowed it with some water the nurse gave him, gagging a little, but managing to get it down.

“Sorry. I don’t do pills well.”

“Oh, no worries! You’re far from the only one that comes through with that problem.” She smiled.

“So, does this mean you can take me to Phil now?” Dan asked.

Hannah frowned.

“Sorry, you still got another 30 minutes to an hour before the meds kick in, and the point of them is to be able to move you without causing your more pain, and more damage. I know you’re eager to see him. The whole hospital has been talking about what happened in the harbor.” She said.

“Oh, good. Everyone talking about our failure…”

“Your failure? You held that thing back from getting on land and destroying the city and God knows where else! And you managed to keep going after catastrophic damage. No one is calling you two failures.” Hannah tried to reassure Dan, who replied with a soft “oh”, without changing the dejected look on his face.

“Soon. Give it an hour. I know it feels like ages but just work with us here. Our priority will always be our patients’ safety and health.” Dan nodded in understanding.

Hannah was right about it taking ages. His body always seemed to absorb drugs slower than the average person, and I was a little over an hour until he was allowed to go see Phil.

It was around noon when another nurse, called Mae, wheeled Dan through the hospital to Phil’s room. At the door, she helped him reach the hand sanitizer and put a gown and gloves on. The precautions were appreciated, but they made Dan much more anxious about Phil’s condition. As Mae brought Dan next to Phil’s bed, Dan processed wound dressing covering so much of Phil’s body.

Phil’s burn nurse, a young man named Alex, explained that his burns ran in patterned lines corresponding to the way their jaeger suits were made, and that their educated guess is that when the jaeger was damaged, the machine either overheated or had an electrical failure and caused the burns.

Dan stared at Phil, who appeared to be asleep, for a few minutes.

“Can I touch him?” He asked, speaking as softly as he could.

“A big concern here is protecting Phil from infection. So we’re do limit contact. But with you having sanitized and wearing gloves… I think it will be all right if you touch his hand.” Alex said, sympathetically.

“What about his face? He doesn’t have any burns on his face.” Dan said, eagerly.

“That also would be okay, I think.”

Dan had never moved so slowly before, reaching down to gently touch the unbandaged fingertips on Phil’s right hand. He pulled back only seconds after the touch, afraid of hurting Phil, but Phil didn’t even stir. He then reached out, again, painfully slowly, and this time let his right hand cup Phil’s left cheek. He paused there, waited a moment to see if I had disturbed Phil, and then slowly began rubbing his thumb against Phil’s cheek.

This did draw Phil out of his heavily medicated sleep, and he tried to lift his left arm to grab Dan’s hand but inhaled sharply at the breakthrough pain and lowered it back onto the bed. Dan took his own arm back and placed it next to Phil’s right hand.

“I’m right here. If you want you can hold my hand here, Dan gently brushed a finger over Phil’s hand and set it back down. Phil took a deep breath and braced for more pain as he took Dan’s hand. The drugs did seem to make it manageable, at least.

“Heya, Danny boy.” Phil half opened his eyes and gave Dan a goofy smile.

“Don’t you heya me.” Dan sniffled.

“I’m glad that really big dog didn’t kill us.”

“That’s one way to describe that nightmare.” Dan said, a little annoyed that Phil was making him smile when he was still so scared.

“Imagine if I’d died without telling you I love you.” Phil said, closing his eyes to rest them.

“Wh-What?” Dan stammered, looking up at Alex, and then Mae, who were still in the room. “Phil you’re out of your mind on drugs right now, I don’t—”

“Do you two need a minute? I need to stay close by in case there are any complications, and to keep his dressings changed. But if you need just a few minutes, we could wait just outside the door…” Alex offered.

“Why’d we need a minute. I got a lifetime with this guy.” Phil said, opening his shining blue eyes again, and Dan turned an alarming shade of red.

“Phil…” Dan said through gritted teeth. And then, turning on a cousin of the customer service voice, he looked back at Alex and graciously accepted his offer to stand just outside Phil’s door with Mae while they talked.

“I know you’re high as a kite right now, but Jesus Christ, Phil. That was... you can’t just say something like that in front of complete strangers.” Dan said once they were alone.

“What are we talking about again?” Phil asked.

“Oh… God…” Dan said, putting his face in his hand for a moment. “You said you loved me in front of not one, but two nurses!”

“Well, I do love you.” Phil said, matter-of-factly.

“I know you do. You didn’t even need to say it.” Dan replied, gingerly taking Phil’s hand in his again.

“Yes, I do. I have to tell you I love you because saying it is different than thinking it, even if you have been in my head. I want to say it with my mouth.” Phil said.

Dan was barely keeping it together, but he was afraid if Phil saw him cry, he’d think he was even worse off than he was. He didn’t want to upset or scare him. So he took a deep, shaky breath in to compose himself.

“I love you too, Phil. It kind of scares me, if I’m honest. But you know that too.” Dan said.

Phil smiled as he tried to keep his eyes open, looking at his best friend.

“Am I scarier than trees?” Phil asked, his eyes flickering open as he was trying desperately to stay awake.

Dan let out a loud laugh and shook his head.

“First of all, Lester, I told you that in a moment of vulnerability and now you’re using it to mock me? Second of all, you’re not scary at all.”

Phil didn’t respond.

“Hey. Phil?”

Dan looked up at the monitor tracking his vitals, nothing seemed to be going off or flatlining, to his relief. Phil needed rest. And Dan was starting to feel the toll of this visit. He used Phil’s nurse button to alert someone that Mae and Alex could return and return they promptly did. Before he left Phil’s room, he asked if he could leave a message for him on the whiteboard that was visible from his bed, which had some important patient care information on it already, but with room to spare.

“I think Phil would appreciate that.” Alex encouraged.

Dan slowly stood up, and Mae offered an arm for support, which he took, and held onto as he took the black dry-erase marker and wrote a simple note for Phil, large enough for Phil to be able to see it without making Dan feel like an asshole for taking up important medical real estate. Something to remind him, in case he didn’t remember what Dan said. “D ❤️P”

He had decided he didn’t care if Mae and Alex saw. Who cares if they knew, as long as Phil did too.

Mae helped lower him back into his wheelchair and returned him to his own room.

The rest of the day Dan was in bed, in and out of sleep, fielding a handful of calls from base from people sending him their thoughts to people looking for more updates than what the hospital would give. Dan wasn’t much more help. He wanted Phil to be able to recover with at least a modicum of privacy.

Some time after dinner, the evening nurse on Dan’s ward, Susanne, came in with an update on Phil.

“He’s still doing okay, right? I know they’re limiting visitors, but will I be able to see him again tomorrow?” Dan asked, without letting her get a word in.

“He’s doing as good as can be expected. He’s still very in and out. Alex let me know about the message on the whiteboard. He hasn’t really yet been in a state to really get a good look around him, but I let him know you left it there for him. Took a photo of it on one of our hospital tablets to show him. I wish I could’ve gotten a photo of his face. I can tell you two are going to be okay. And that’s because you’ve got each other, so I’m sure as long as Phil is still doing well tomorrow, you can visit him again.”

“Thank you. This means a lot.” Dan said.

“Get some rest while you can.” She replied and left until the next medication administration.

The next day, Phil was awake for longer stretches of time, but still just as loopy from the drugs. Alex and Mae were back on the same shift, and agreed to give them some more privacy, on the condition that Alex would pop his head in briefly every few minutes to make sure things were going fine.

“I heard you loooooooove me.” He said, grinning like mad as he shakily grabbed Dan’s gloved hand.

“Oh, I’m gonna throttle you.” Dan said, looking fondly at Phil.

“You’re gonna have to wait til I get better.” Phil was still smiling, though it had become softer, a little more subdued.

“Obviously. Do you think I’m a maniac? Guess I’ll just have to stick around so I can keep my threat.”

“That’s not a threat, Danny. That’s a promise.” Phil giggled.

“Sure is, buddy. I got another promise too.”

“Oh?” Phil replied.

“Do you think… and I know it’s all fresh and it’s okay if you don’t have an answer now, but do you think you’ll want to get back into a jaeger again? With me? After you’ve recovered, and assuming you clear medical.” Dan asked.

“Of course.” Phil said, without leaving a beat between the question and the answer. “This is my life.”

“Okay, right, well. I want that too. But more than that, I want you… I want us to be safer than this. I know we can’t eliminate risk. It’s the goddamn job. But I’ve been thinking about ways to make this work. Give them what they need while protecting what I care about most.”

“What you…” Phil was trying to follow everything Dan was saying, but he was struggling, and got stuck on those last three words. Even through the haze of everything, he could see how much this whole ordeal had shaken Dan. He wasn’t just worried about Phil; he was angry that this had happened.

“So I’m going to be telling the engineers they need to work out a few upgrades for Whisker Nightowl. And I don’t care that it had just gotten reworked, it was destroyed by the kaiju, so it needs massive repairs anyway. I want faster and smoother locomotion both for maneuvering and, when necessary, retreat. And I want upgraded weaponry. And I’ll tell you this much, Phil, we’re not so much stepping into a jaeger without backup being deployed alongside us. I’m not leaving us that vulnerable.”

“It’s not up to you, though, is it?” Phil said.

“It sure as hell is if they want to keep me in this program. And we all know they’re always desperate for pilots. That’s what got us dropped in so unprepared, isn’t it?”

“Mm.” Phil responded, looking intently at Dan’s face as he got more and more worked up.

“If I didn’t go back… Would you…” Dan trailed off.

“Run away with you?” Phil asked and giggled.

“I’m not joking around, Phil! And anyway, I wasn’t going to ask it like that… I was gonna ask if you’d stay. If I left. Would you stay?” Dan asked, looking as vulnerable as he had the first day they went into the drift together.

“You won’t need to run.” Phil said, simply.

“How are you so sure?”

“Well, they’d be stupid to lose two pilots at once.”

Dan smiled, satisfied with that answer.

“Trying to keep up with your plotting has made me sleepy.” Phil said, his eyes blinking slowly a couple of times before resting shut.

“As if you’re not currently perpetually sleepy right now. Get some rest, goof.” Dan said.

-

Phil remained in the hospital for about four months, and had 2 surgeries so far, with more in his future. During which Dan fully recovered from his own injuries, and had taken part in a debriefing for the incident with Sawhead (what everyone was now calling the category III kaiju they fought). He then began working on making sure Phil had access to physical therapy when he got back, and following up on what he called “strong suggestions” if they wanted to keep him and Phil onboard.

There was talk that he was becoming a bigger nuisance than he was worth, countered by talk that having someone as fiercely loyal as they both seemed to be to each other, on their side, could be a great motivator and could be molded to become a strong asset to the Pan Pacific Defense Corps. Those engaging in the first talk questioned if they could be molded at all. But all seemed willing to engage in the little experiment.

Everyone did agree on one thing, though, in the end. The day Phil was released back to the Shatterdome, Dan significantly seemed to calm down. He’d shoot daggers at you if you so much as seemed to look at Phil too long, as he was still working on getting full range of movement back, and wore hoodies to cover the scars covering his arms, along with the rest of his body, save his face. He wasn’t ashamed, but he didn’t like being stared at. That’s where his guard dog came in handy.

“Just keep it movin’ folks! Nothing even remotely interesting about the man on my arm! Nope!”

“I can’t tell if that was you insulting me or bragging about having me hanging onto you like a sloth on a tree.” Phil whispered into Dan’s ear.

“It’s more fun when it’s both. Mua, ha, ha.” Dan feigned a maniacal laugh.

“You’re so embarrassing.” Phil giggled.

That first day back, they did their best to keep things as low-key as possible. Phil did meet with the defense corps’ physical therapy team for a little over an hour, going over his discharge paperwork, and making a tentative plan for his treatment.

He and Dan had their meals in the mess hall, along with everyone else. Some gave them a wide berth so Phil could adjust to being back, many others came by to welcome him back and offer any support they could give. Dan saw Phil becoming more and more overwhelmed, and when Phil put his hands over his ears and bowed his head so that his chin was tucked into his chest, he took action.

“Okay, dinner’s over. If you want any leftovers we can get you a little container for it.” Dan said, standing up.

Phil didn’t say anything in response, he just stood too and held up his food tray.

“To go it is!” Dan grabbed Phil’s tray and turned abruptly to transfer Phil’s remaining dinner into one of the containers piled next to napkins and utensils.

He and Phil then made their way back to their room, which Phil hadn’t slept in for the last four months. They got in, and Dan put the leftovers in their mini fridge while Phil slowly lowered himself onto his bed.

“Oh… this is much softer than I remember it being!” Phil said, bouncing lightly on the mattress.”

“Mm, yeah. I got one of those mattress pads last week. I figured you might need something that’s a little less murder on your body while you sleep.” Dan said, closing the fridge door.

Phil winced as he stood back up. He was still dealing with chronic pain and stiffness at varying degrees depending on the day.

“Have I told you over the last few months I appreciate you?”

“Only a couple… million.” Dan smiled and leaned in for a kiss when Phil got close enough. “Told me somethin’ else too.”

“Oh? What’s that, then?” Phil said, in faux ignorance.

“Well, you told me I was stinky…”

“That was well over a few months ago!” Phil giggled, his tongue sticking out from the side of his mouth.

“Oh, you caught me, you caught me!” Dan dramatically shook his head as if tossing long hair back.

“That’s it, then, is it, lad?” Phil said, moving his face closer to Dan’s again, teasingly.

Dan gave Phil another peck on the lips.

“I guess there was that drug induced moment literally hours after a near death experience where you professed your love for me.” Dan said, almost too playfully for the words he was invoking.

Phil turned serious.

“But you know I meant it. And I’ve said it since!”

“Phil, Phil, it’s fine! I’m teasing. I do know you meant it. And I love you too. Now let’s go the fuck to sleep, please it’s been such a long day.” He said softly, before kissing the tip of Phil’s nose.

“All right, yeah. I’m exhausted.” Phil agreed. He waited for Dan to crawl into the bottom bunk so he could carefully slide in beside him, only to see Dan start to climb up into the top bunk.”

“Oh… I thought… We haven’t gotten to cuddle in so long… I thought we might finally be able to.”

“Oh…”

“It makes sense that you’d have gotten used to your own bed the last few months.” Phil said, a little dejected.

“Um, I actually slept in your bunk while you’ve been gone. It reminded me of you.” Dan said, stepping down from the rungs on the bed.

“Oh? So why… oh.” Dan saw the spark of understanding in Phil’s eyes, “Daniel. You’re not gonna break me by lying next to me.” Phil said, putting his hands on each side of Dan’s waist.

“What if I smack you in the middle of the night? Or push you out of bed? It’s a tiny bed, Phil.” Dan countered, putting his arms over Phil’s shoulders, but hardly putting any real weight on Phil.

“You never shoved me out of bed before. And honestly? Even if you do smack me or knee me or roll me onto the floor, it’s not going to break me. I don’t want you to treat me like a porcelain doll. And that’s not good for my recovery, either.” Phil replied. Both of them were now slowly swaying together as if slow dancing.

“So, what you’re saying is, it’s medically necessary for me to let you be the big spoon tonight?” Dan said, crumbling beneath the weight of Phil’s logic and his giant blue eyes.

“I think I lost my doctor’s note.” Phil frowned.

“Oh, noooo. I guess that’s no spoon for you.” Dan said, pulling away from Phil and throwing up his hands.

“Don’t you make me push you onto that bed!” Phil threatened. That did it.

“Fine, fine, that’d probably ‘cause a bigger accident than anything else, honestly.” Dan relented, and shuffled his way to the inner side of Phil’s bed, Phil took his time joining Dan, wincing and hissing as he shifted to lying down, and then shifted to face Dan, who was facing outward toward Phil.

“Would it be okay if we just laid here like this, just for a bit. I want to be able to see your face next to mine.”

“I’d like that too.”

They talked like this for an hour or so, then spent 20 minutes just watching each other, silently, until Dan flipped around to the wall, craning his arm back, pointing in the general direction of Phil’s arm, and pointing to his side. Phil wrapped his arm around Dan for the first time since the night before they fought Sawhead. It felt even better than he remembered. He pressed his face into the back of Dan’s head and took a deep breath in, holding it for a moment before exhaling.

“What’re you doin’, weirdo?” Dan mumbled. He’d missed this, so unspeakably much.

“I’m just appreciating what I’ve got.”

“Welcome home, Phil.”

“Thanks, Dan. See you in the morning.”