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There is nothing in this world that Nick doesn't know about Matt, and vice versa. Ever since they were kids, every secret was shared between the two. Their family often joked that they were as close, if not closer, than actual twins, and they were right. Everything from their favorite food to their favorite shampoo to things they haven't even told their parents were shared between the two. Nick would sit at the window watching the sky go from dark to pink so he could let Matt back into the house before their parents awoke, and that only stopped when he got old enough to sneak out with Matt. Needless to say, they are two halves of the same whole. They are brothers. They know everything about each other.
Except for one thing.
Matt is currently trying his hardest not to look suspicious as he paces back and forth in an airport, nervously twirling his hair as he tries to suppress waves of panic induced nausea. The cause of this sits innocently on a chair, Matt glancing over every few moments to make sure the bag is still there. It's his carry-on bag, a plain black duffle bag, that he got through security with no issue. Him and Nick had bought the bags together late one night, after their old ones had finally fallen apart. There lies the problem. They had bought the bags together. They had bought completely identical bags, to match their old ones. So this morning, when he and Nick had tearfully said goodbye to each other, they had ended up on separate flights for a press event but they'll be back together within a few hours, he must have grabbed the wrong bag.
Because the bag Matt has is Nick's, filled with Nick's clothes and a change of Nick's gear. They dress pretty similar, so it had taken him a moment to notice the lack of a few items when he went digging for his phone charger. Namely, the pacifier wrapped in a onesie he keeps stuffed in the bottom of his bag, away from any prying eyes, including his brother's. Which means, Nick has Matt's bag with the aforementioned items. And his candy, which Matt is not nearly upset about as he usually would be, but it still stings.
Somewhere, in a different airport than his brother, Nick is sitting with a duffel bag of Matt's little stuff. There's a chance that Nick won't see it, won't go rummaging through the bag at some point, probably looking for snacks, but that chance is very small. It's all the hope he has though, and he clings onto it as he sinks down into a chair across from the bag, staring daggers at it. There's a nice looking older lady sitting in the chair next to it, and he's afraid that the next time she asks if he's ok, he'll start crying.
This is the only thing in his life that Nick isn't aware about. And it physically hurts him to think about how big of a secret he's keeping from his younger brother, but the pain is worse when he thinks about telling him. Sure, Nick is open minded about a lot of things, but this? There's surely no way this would go well. And that terrifies Matt. As much as this calms him, as much as sometimes the only thing that makes him happy is watching cartoons with a paci in his mouth, he needs his brother to breathe, and he doesn't know what he'll do without him. He's aware he's spiraling, catastrophising, but he can't help it. He's so caught up in his anxiety that he misses the gate agent announcing their boarding, only realizing when the lady next to the bag gets up and gently pats him on his shoulder. He grabs the bag, wincing like it's burned him, and shuffles on over to the gate, trying to breathe deeply.
He should apologize to the person who had to sit next to him, his knee bouncing uncontrollably was probably very annoying, but he can't focus on that right now. Maybe, Nick hasn't looked. And he'll get to their, shared of course, hotel for the night and swap their bags, Nick none the wiser. All of this panic has made the familiar fuzzy feeling start to creep through his brain, and he bites the nail of his thumb during landing, the closest he can get to sucking on it without drawing attention to himself. He nearly trips over himself in his hurry to get out of the plane, apologizing to whoever he bumped into on his way out. He's clutching the bag like it's going to magically switch, like if he tries hard enough everything will be alright and Nick will never have to know. He stumbles out of the airport, knuckles white against the strap of the bag, and slides into the back of his uber, throwing his head back against the seat when he sits, groaning.
Nick's not there when he gets to the hotel, probably just now getting on his plane, and Matt sighs, flinging the bag onto one of the beds, flopping down on the other. All he wants to do is forget about his worry, fall into that nice fuzziness and not have to focus on anything, but he doesn't have any of his things, and that makes the feeling in his gut worse. After much thinking, and a lot more pacing, he grabs his phone and leaves the hotel, deciding to walk to a nearby fast food place. Maybe it's not the best decision, definitely not the healthiest thing in the area to eat, but it's the closest. He spends most of his time sitting in the corner of the lobby, eating a thing of fries and he stares off into space, anxiously waiting for the call from Nick that he's arrived at the hotel. He's not sure how long he's waited, but his fries are completely cold and hard now, and he's had two workers come up to him and ask if he was lost. He might as well head back now, tossing the fry container in the trash, anxiously twirling with his hair again.
He feels like he's a kid again, and not just in the regression sense. Like he knows he's in trouble, he's done something he shouldn't have and his parents have found out, and he's on his way home from school knowing he's going to get chewed out. Nick's disappointment is a much worse idea than their parents, as weird as that may be. He shuffles the whole way back to the hotel, continuously clicking his phone screen on, groaning when he sees nothing from Nick. He opens the hotel door with another groan, sliding his phone into his back pocket, closing the door behind him. He turns around, and freezes. There, on the bed that was empty when Matt left, sits Nick, Matt's duffle bag clutched tightly in his hands. Matt gulps, trying to calm himself down.
“You didn't message me when you landed?” Luckily, his voice doesn't crack.
“I got distracted.” Nick lets go of the strap with one of his hands, using it to tuck a stray piece of hair behind his ear. He doesn't even glance at Matt, looking down at the fabric of the bag.
“Everything alright?”
“I think we grabbed the wrong bags this morning while rushing.”
Matt forces himself to laugh, tries his hardest not to make it sound strained or let any of his anxiousness show through. “Yeah, I noticed that when I couldn't find my snacks.”
“I ate the last of your gummy worms, by the way.”
Matt scoffs, sitting down on the opposite bed. “You- Rude! You could have at least bought new ones.”
Wait.
The gummy worms.
The gummy worms were shoved into the bottom of the bag, right next to the onesie.
Oh god effing damnit.
He tries not to panic, laying down on his back with a chuckle, turning his head to look at his brother. “Always stealing my stuff.”
The edges of Nick's lips curl into a smile, and he looks away, exhaling harshly in amusement. “That's what brothers are for, dude.”
Matt rolls his eyes again, and lets the silence wash over him like a blanket. There's a tense silence between the two, which is strange on its own. Things are never tense between the two of them, and Matt aches to fix it. To figure out what's wrong, even if deep down he already knows.
“How'd your-” Matt starts, getting interrupted by Nick.
“I found your stuff.”
Matt digs his nails into the side of his hands, wincing at the pain. “What do you mean?”
“In your bag.”
“Like, my clothes?” He raises an eyebrow, playing stupid. He's not going to admit to anything that Nick hasn't outright said. His younger brother doesn't say anything for a moment, before he presses his lips together and shakes his head.
“No, uh, baby stuff. Like a pacifier.”
Matt laughs nervously, raising an eyebrow. “What?”
“Don't- Don't act dumb, Matt. You know what I'm talking about.”
“I-” Matt cuts himself off, turning his head to stare at the ceiling. There's a stinging in his eyes, his vision getting more blurry every time he blinks, trying not to let the tears escape. He wants to get up and curl up in Nick's lap, he wants to leave the hotel and never look back, he wants to go back in time and grab the right bag, he wants this conversation to have never happened.
There's a lot that he wants that he can't have right now.
“I don't wanna talk about it.”
Nick sighs, and Matt can hear him get up from the bed. “I think we need to.”
The bed dips next to Matt's head, Nick sitting down next to it. The older man doesn't bother to look, just closes his eyes and sighs. He tenses at the sudden hand on his head, relaxing when Nick starts to gently run his fingers through Matt's hair.
“Don’ wanna.” And great, he's already slurring his words. He shakes his head stubbornly, choking back a whine when the movement makes Nick remove his hand from his hair.
“Matt, please.”
“It's weird.”
“Not if it's you. Never if it's you.”
And that's true, isn't it? Nothing Nick has ever told him has made him disgusted. Nothing ever has made him want to hold his little brother in his arms any less. He doesn't think it's possible. So the same must be true for Nick, he supposes. Maybe they'll be ok, maybe he'll have someone to cling to in the middle of the night when the shadows scare him. He just has to work through the glue like feeling in his throat and tell him. Instead he wiggles a bit, placing his head down on Nick's thigh, still avoiding looking at him in the face.
“I just,” He sighs, bringing his hand up to his mouth before he realizes what he's doing, grabbing a strand of hair to distract himself. “It's too much sometimes, ya know? It's just….a lot.”
“And what does that have to do with the….stuff?” Nick's voice is soft, kind, and it makes Matt's chest warm. There's no audible disgust or anger, and he clings onto that with all his hope.
Matt twirls the hair around his finger and sighs, working up the courage to explain further. “I dunno just, it's comforting, I guess. Getting to be small.”
“Does it make you happy?”
Matt hums, nodding. The fabric of Nick's pants scrape against his cheek, but it's not a bad feeling. “Yeah, it does.”
“That's all I need to know. We don't ever have to talk about this again, I just want to know you're safe.”
The edges of Matt's lips curl into a smile and he exhales, shoulders relaxing when he didn't even know they were tense.
They don't talk about it anymore that night. Just the fact that it's out there is enough for Matt, curling up to his brother's side and falling asleep tucked there. He feels at ease in a way he hasn't in years, like something has lifted from his lungs that he didn't know was crushing them. His eyes flutter shut to the feeling of Nick playing with his hair, softly pressing a kiss to his forehead.
-
His head is fuzzy again. They've just won a match, the screaming of the fans and the joy in Nick's laughter made his chest warm, and he finds himself excited to head back to his and Nick's hotel for the night. He's still a bit anxious, a bit scared that Nick won't want anything to do with him, but he knows his brother won't be disgusted, and that's all he really needs. They've changed, and are now making their way down an empty hallway when Matt reaches forward, gently tugging on Nick's jacket sleeve. The younger brother hums in acknowledgement, continuing to walk.
“M’ head feels kinda fuzzy.”
Nick scrunches his face up in worry, looking back at him. “You ok? I can take you to med-”
“Nuh uh,” Matt shakes his head, reaching down to intertwine his fingers with Nick's. “Different kinda fuzzy.”
“Wha- Oh.” Nick's mouth drops open into an ‘O’ shape and he nods, squeezing his brother's hand as he leads them out of the arena to their rental car, smiling softly. There's not much talking between the two of them until they get to the hotel, the radio softly playing through the car and Nick drives them back.
“What do you, uh, normally do?”
Matt feels shy in a way he's never really felt around Nick before, and he shrugs, reluctantly letting go of his brother's hand so he can start to rummage through his bag. As he speaks, he pulls out his onesie, setting it down on the floor next to him. “Uhm, watch some shows?”
“What shows do- is that the Chip onesie from Japan?” Nick's face breaks into a smile and he walks closer, crouching down to get a closer look at it. “I thought you got rid of that?”
“Nuh uh, was comfy.”
“I'm sure it was, bud.” Nick chuckles, placing a hand on the side of Matt's face and he can't help but lean into it, eyes fluttering in content as Nick gently rubs his thumb on the side of Matt's face. “Do you…need help getting changed?”
Nick has helped him change into gear, and sometimes ridiculously fitting suits, way more times than he can count, and he's done the same for Nick. Surprisingly, it doesn't feel too different like this, just makes him smile slightly, shaking his head. “No, may need help wit’ the zipper though, if tha's ok?”
“You can ask me for anything, Matt. I promise you.”
“Gummy wo'ms?” Matt smiles, his face scrunching up as he does so, and Nick sighs.
“Sugar after you get changed.”
The older brother grumbles, clumsily taking off of his shirt and pulling the onesie on. True to his word, he fiddles with the zipper a bit before he looks up at his brother, frowning. “Help?”
Something gentle flashes across Nick's eyes as he softly smiles, tugging the zipper up, quickly pulling the hood up and over Matt's face, chuckling as his brother squeaks, trying to bat the hood off of his face.
“No hood!”
“I dunno, I think you look adorable with it on.” He reaches forward again, tugging it over Matt's eyes as he watches a smile spread across Matt's face.
“Not ado'able, Dada.” He sticks his tongue out, brushing the hood off of his hair. He glances down then looks back up at Nick, and freezes, realizing what he's just said. Sure, Nick said he'd be there for everything, but surely being called ‘dada' by his brother is too far.
“Agree to disagree, bud. Dada knows best.” Nick sticks his tongue out back, reaching to find the bag of gummy worms. He doesn't even say anything, doesn't flinch or question or recoil in disgust, he just goes with it. Like it's nothing. Like Matt's chest isn't squeezing at the simple acceptance. “Where's the candy?”
After a few seconds of silence, Nick looks over in concern, an eyebrow raised. “Bud?”
“‘M sorry.”
“Why are you sorry? Did you eat all the candy?”
Matt shakes his head, grabbing a fistful of the fabric near his chest so he doesn't give in to the urge to put his thumb in his mouth to avoid having to speak. “Sorry for, for calling you thats.”
“Oh, don't apologize.” He says this like it's the most obvious thing in the world. He leans forward, placing a soft kiss on the edge of Matt's hair. “If that's what you need, then that's what I'll be.”
Matt's really starting to think that maybe it's all gonna be ok. Nick is the most special person on the planet to him, and this is only making it better. His eyes start to water with happy tears, but he's cut off by a shout of joy from Nick, pulling out a plastic bag from one of the bag's pockets, and popping one in his mouth. “Found them! Come on, let's go find a show to watch.”
He grabs Matt's hand and goes to stand, before clicking his tongue and stopping. “Do you want your, uh….the pacifier?”
Matt hesitates, eyes looking towards the bag for just a moment too long, before he shakes his head.
“You're a horrible liar, just grab the thing.”
Matt doesn't move so Nick does, moving some pants out of the way to find it, fully standing up now and dragging Matt along with him, the pacifier in his other hand. He pushes Matt down on the couch, sitting down next to him, practically throwing the plastic item at him. “Now, are you gonna tell me your favorite show or do I have to guess?”
He pulls Matt against him, wrapping an arm around Matt's shoulder as he fiddles with the tv remote in the other hand, having thrown the bag of gummy worms onto the coffee table.. Matt places his head on Nick's chest, hesitantly at first, relaxing against him at the touch of his arm. “Oconats?”
Nick hums, powering on the TV to start to look for it. Matt fiddles with the pacifier for a moment longer, before placing it in his mouth, curling up further against Nick. He misses Nick's soft smile at the movement, but feels Nick's arm squeeze around him, feels the warmth of love that spreads through his body at the contact.
Matt mumbles around the pacifier, voice soft over the hum of the TV. “Luvs you, Dada.”
Nick places a soft kiss on the top of Matt's hair, smiling against his head. “I love you even more, bud.”