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He held him close, gently pulling him up with his hands holding the back of his shoulders.
His hands felt warm oddly enough. Huaxian wonders if that was just how Alucard was, despite him being a dhampir.
After all, he had never met such a person.
A faint pink flushed against his cheeks, making him feel warmer than he should be. A drip of sweat went down Huaxian's forehead in nervousness. He can tell Alucard wasn't used to showing this kind of affection.
He silently laughs to himself. Maybe he does feel a sense of relief whenever Alucard is around. Maybe he did.
But his hands stayed on the sheets. Not harshly gripping it in any way. He simply did not bother doing anything with it.
"Are you used to this?"
He asked softly, only to be replied with a gruffle from Alucard's throat.
"It's okay. It's my first time being so intimately this close. You're not alone."
Huaxian only smiled after he said that.
Alucard was quiet.
But to him it felt a bit normal. But he cannot help but feel disgusted for himself.
He felt shame for being a hypocrite to himself, his values and beliefs.
He felt like he let down himself and his old woman. He cannot help but feel selfish.
But maybe this was the right kind of selfish.
He stops smiling as he thinks.
"Is this really okay with you, Hua-hua?"
"Ah..?"
Huaxian felt a slight surprise from Alucard calling him by his nickname that he deems so childish.
Nonetheless, he shook his head and swallowed a lump in his throat.
"Yes, Adr... Alucard. After all, we aren't going to do anything too intimate."
After all, he would still feel a bit revolted just by thinking about it. It's disgusting. Disgusting for him.
Huaxian's mind starts to swirl a little. He felt a bit nauseated. Maybe he's thinking too hard for a person supposed to be relaxed.
"Hey."
Alucard brought his lips closer to Huaxian's neck. His breath tickled him slightly, making him adjust himself. "Oh, sorry. Did that bother you?" He asked gently, his soft hand held the base of Huaxian's neck tenderly that could almost make the both of them jump from surprise.
"..auh.. no, just a bit.. ticklish there.."
Huaxian giggled slightly, quietly.
Alucard simply smiled softly at him, his eyes looking at him benign— "Hehe, sorry Hua-hua."
Both of them stayed like that for a few moments. No slight movements, no words exchanged, simply... the warmth of their bodies together really closely.
Sometimes Alucard wonders if this is what he truly wants from him.
To be closer to him, and to be close is to be somewhat intimate.
"..have you been intimate with someone before?" Huaxian suddenly asks in a quiet tone, to hopefully keep the comforting silence.
Alucard didn't reply for a while. He simply looked to the side, his expression solemn.
"..I.. have. But uhm.. it was not the best experience." He just hopes Hua-hua simply gets it. And he did.
"...Oh. I'm.. so sorry."
"It's okay."
Alucard gets a bit closer to Huaxian's ear, his legs basically straddling him on his bed.
"Because this time, I have a choice."
Huaxian goes quiet for a moment before asking another question again, "...Are you really sure about this?"
Alucard nods, smiling softly again.
His cheeks were still stained with light pink from the beginning. "Yes. Because I chose to be with you."
"..."
Huaxian didn't say anything to him.
Alucard gently caresses Hua-hua's cheeks.
He felt his skin as he glided his thumb over and over again. He thinks to himself how his skin is perfect, it's soft, it's gentle.
Alucard slightly closes his eyes, exhaling gently, tickling Hua-hua's neck again.
"Hey, that tickles..."
"Haha, sorry again.."
It's comfortable again.
For Alucard, it felt like the most normal thing in the world.
Holding Huaxian like this, his hand holding the back of his shoulder, the other touching his face so delicately, it almost felt benevolent.
Alucard kisses his neck. Gentle and delicate. It was filled with innocence and love. Huaxian felt his delicate lips against his own tense neck.
Huaxian sighed, but it was difficult to say what it portrayed.
"Huaxian? Are you alright? Are you uncomfortable?"
He asks a bit worriedly, his eyes expressing care and utmost pertubation.
"..ah?"
Huaxian looked a bit confused until he realized what the question had meant before answering— "Oh, no, not at all. I was surprised, that's all. Don't worry, Alucard, keep going."
Alucard only nodded— understanding what he said. "..Hua-hua, I simply adore you." Liar liar liar liar liar liar.
Huaxian nervously chuckled— still trying to preserve the quiet and tranquil atmosphere the both of them produced.
"You're simply everything to me."
You really are.
Another sweat drips down from his face. "Really? How so?"
"I can't describe it."
"It's hard to describe what I love about you because I love everything about you."
Trust me.
Alucard kisses his neck again, even more light and gentler than the first time.
It's like Alucard's lips were from heaven, meant to be soft, never meant to be unkind and brutal.
Huaxian contemplates it now, he doesn't know what to feel or do— but just let the situation happen because he loves it.
He wants to be selfish for once, selfish from his values that had been ingrained in his mind for decades from his old woman.
But even so, he still feels somewhat disgusted. At himself for feeling this sort of way for Alucard— for he was part of humanity's problem. Vampires leeching of humanity to make them their livestock.
But a part of him wonders if.. this was how being loved romantically felt like.
And he wonders if it would be okay to be like this forever.
Because maybe— just this once— he can hold Alucard by his waist and sigh in content.
Huaxian slightly squinted his eyes, and his hands finally moved away from the cold sheets of his own bed and held Alucard against the back of his neck. His touch felt.. pleasant. It startled Alucard, letting out a small noise from the sudden tinge of his arms around him.
"Don't mind it, Alucard."
Huaxian slightly pushed him forward. Their chests barely feel the air in-between them. Alucard only nodded again.
"...Hua-hua, I love you."
And this time, Alucard gave him a pecked kiss on the cheek.
His lips felt so alive. So warm.
It's like he's being strangled in the best-worst ways possible.
And Huaxian liked it.
Yet he is a coward. One that cannot admit when he has done a wrong-doing.
But it really, really just doesn't matter anymore. Because it's really just the two of them inside.
No one will disturb them from their ambience, their comfortable silence.
So he'll let himself be selfish. One more time.