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Today has been harsh on Sieun.
He was so, so tired. Usually not being a weather dependent person, the cloudy sky and the stuffed air in the middle of warm May made him feel more drained than on any other day. University required much more effort, unlike school and extracurriculars where he just unconsciously did assignments and attended classes.
Unlocking the door, he stepped inside the apartment, ears catching the sound of TV rambling, some variety show with too many dramatic effects and repetitive clips for emphasizing the comedy of a situation. He doesn't like those, but is forced to watch them while having cuddling sessions with Suho. Which is fine, he tunes out of it and listens to the latter's heartbeat right by his ear anyway — and hearing the low rumble coming deep from Suho's chest when he laughs at some stupid joke one of the hosts made, Sieun feels content with enduring a corny show, just to keep having these peaceful evenings by the TV.
Taking off his shoes, he heard footsteps coming to the door.
"You're home," Suho said, stepping closer and pecking him soundly on the head. "Hi, baby."
Today was one of the rare days when their free evenings aligned. Rare, for Suho couldn't ever sit still and would work both shifts at aunty's restaurant. No matter how much Sieun complained about it, he always brushed off the thought of getting exhausted, since "I stand by the register all day anyway, it's not even a proper job". That was wrong in a lot of ways, but Sieun didn't want to pry further and act like an overcaring mother.
"Hey," he answered, looking up at his boyfriend and feeling his tight nerves loosen up a bit at the sight of Suho's soft eyes and even softer grin.
"Is my Sieunnie tired?" Suho cooed, which made him roll his eyes, looking annoyed, save for the fond smile he tried to fight off of his face, "I just came home, too. Let's go, I’ll prepare dinner for us, and you tell me about your day."
The "home" in question was Sieun's apartment that his mother rented for him so he wouldn't be too far from his university. Like all the previous apartments of his, this one, too, was dull and not lived in at first. But then, as Suho started visiting him more and more, bringing food to stuff his fridge with and random plants from his halmeoni's garden to "let the rooms breathe", the apartment started brightening up, alongside Sieun himself.
They were at the kitchen, Suho taking out the vegetables and a little meat for the stew, when Sieun decided to take some of the day's burden off and talk it out:
"University is much harder than I thought," he said and fell silent for a second. After hearing a soft hum from Suho to indicate that he was listening, he continued, "Imagine biology, science and math classes combined, then multiply their difficulty by ten."
Suho huffed, looking up from washing the vegetables at Sieun standing beside him, "Yeah, no, I can't even think of that. Each one of them alone would make my head hurt."
Sieun's lips broke into a downward smile, which transformed into a slight pout as he went on, "And the professors are so different from one another. One of them is really odd — he never explains the material, just gives us the lectures and tells us to learn them by rote."
"No way, but you all are just freshmen," Suho complained, a frown emerging on his face. "Shouldn’t he explain the basics? What if you understand them only by the time you’re a sophomore? Or even worse?"
After his mother’s constant nagging about hurrying to choose his future career and his long contemplation, in the last year of high school Sieun opted to become a neurologist. Suho was initially surprised to find out about his decision since he hadn’t imagined Sieun actually taking up his parents’ offer on choosing a medical degree, but after some pondering (and seeing the sad glint in the other’s eyes while he talked about it), he put the puzzle pieces together.
Sieun watched Suho 'tsk'ing and huffing, amused that his boyfriend got worked up over his inconveniences more than he himself did. So he just shortly hummed and asked back, "And how was your day?"
Suho looked up at him again from cutting the carrots. "Oho, my day could never be more difficult than everything you and your genius brain goes through, Dr. Yeon," he said, laughing softly.
After the playful glare he got from Sieun, he continued, "Nothing out of ordinary. Fridays are always a little busier than any other weekday, so I've been— I've..."
Sieun frowned in confusion, seeing how Suho stumbled over his words. Then, his gaze went down, as he caught the slight tremble of Suho's hands, and his attempt to stabilize his unsteady fingers.
"Suho-yah…" Sieun mumbled softly, trying to not let concern wash all over his voice.
"I got this, I'm fine," the other said, not looking at Sieun and nodding too sharply, "I guess your hyung has—" he exhaled a nervous snort, "Your hyung has worked hard today, haven't I?"
Just as Suho tried to continue cutting the vegetable, Sieun noticed the trembling intensifying, the knife slipping a little too close to his fingers. He winced internally at the sight, carefully intervening and taking the knife out of Suho's hand, placing it on the cutboard.
Before Suho could take a big breath to start complaining, Sieun enveloped his hands with his fingers, bringing them to his lips. He touched Suho's fingertips with a gentle kiss, meeting his gaze with a soft reassurance, eyes filled with nothing but understanding and love.
"Let me do the rest, hm?" he asked calmly, "I want to take care of it, too."
Suho furrowed his brows, staring at his face, moving from one eye to another. Then he sighed and smiled, looking mildly tired, but leaning on the counter behind the stove nonetheless.
A minute or two of silence went, and he resumed talking about the restaurant, "There were a lot of office workers today, I guess they all decided to leave the company dinner to Friday. And imo let me do the deliveries this time, since Junhee was too busy serving all the people."
Sieun stilled after hearing the word "delivery" — his mind went to the image of Suho on his scooter and all the possibilities of danger that could occur from him driving it.
As if it wasn't enough, Suho added with a little smile in his voice, "I wish I could do that more often, it reminds me of old times."
"Old times" was something they both had complex feelings for. For Sieun, he tried to run away from the past as far as possible. When the events of that damned freshman year in high school came to him in nightmares or on very bad days, his whole body would shut down as a way to cope with the terror and devastation he felt at that period of his life. For one year and nine months he lived only on the memories of those forty days when he felt like he was finally understood; like he had something to fight for. For forty days Sieun felt like he mattered, and even though that was something indescribably good, it also became the reason he was left alone — because if it wasn't for him being someone Suho wanted to protect, the latter wouldn't have wasted one year and nine months of his lifetime.
Suho wasn't awake at the times Sieun went through all of his mental and physical sufferings (including the moments he got into fights at Eunjang), so it made sense that he missed his life before he fell into a coma. He always talked about bringing the "old him" back, trying to bite off more than he could chew; waking up and finding out he lost almost two years of his youth simply laying on the hospital bed, then struggling to learn basic skills like walking and eating, as if he was born again — it all changed Suho as a person, making it hard to comprehend he wasn't the same anymore.
Suddenly, chest feeling heavy and knees becoming weak, Sieun realized he went silent for too long to be considered appropriate. He tried to think of words that wouldn't come off as too controlling — he didn't want Suho to assume that he saw him like something fragile, because he didn't. For Sieun, Suho was the strongest person ever, an example of how one can get what they want with enough will and effort.
"Maybe it's okay to let go of old times, don't you think?" He placed the knife down, leaning his hands on the counter and breathing out deeply through his nose.
“What do you mean?” Suho's voice had a little edge to it.
Sieun braced himself and looked at him over his shoulder. “I mean, not everything is the same now, not as before.”
“We are the same, though.” It felt as if Suho was ignoring a very big elephant in the room, staring at Sieun but not quite seeing him, not allowing his words to get into his head.
Letting out a big sigh again, Sieun said, “No, we’re not. We’ve grown up, it’s been three years now, Suho-yah.”
Saying “we’ve grown up” was his poor way to indicate that it was them who went through living hell, not some characters from a book. Everything, starting from Suho getting beaten up by Beomseok and the other assholes and becoming comatose, Sieun getting revenge and moving schools, down to months of waiting for any sign of life from Suho, then eventually dealing with the physical therapy where Sieun didn’t leave his side for no longer than to go the bathroom and come back. He promised himself that now that Suho was awake, he would always be in his sight.
Sieun knew that it was not quite a healthy relationship — he hadn’t really given Suho a chance to be away from him, mostly because he was scared that now he would actually lose him on Suho’s own terms. It was so cowardly of him, but he couldn’t help himself after waiting for so long.
However, Suho wasn’t better than him. Whenever Sieun would leave the hospital to go to school, he would get spammed with silly messages, tons of selfies with exasperated facial expressions and captions like “the room feels so cold without you :(“, and those texts would always melt Sieun’s heart, making his cheeks warm and his head a little fuzzy.
They started dating because of Suho, too. That one day when he saw Sieun smiling oh so softly just at him, saying “I missed you” only to him, meanwhile his Eunjang friends would only get a confirming hum out of him on a good day — he realized he could no longer live without having this boy all for himself. It took him a lot of courage to fight his anxiety and insecure thoughts, scared that Sieun wouldn’t want to be with him when he changed so drastically, no trace of young, strong and passionate Ahn Suho left. Luckily, Sieun was too happy about the confession and also getting Suho all for himself to even think about him in a different light.
Jaw tensing just slightly and eyes narrowing, Suho watched Sieun. “So what, now you say I can't do simple things like driving a bike for 5 minutes?”
This was the reaction Sieun feared. He didn’t want to start a fight on the matter of Suho’s well-being, didn’t want his boyfriend to get worked up over this.
“No, all I’m saying is that you should be more careful—” he couldn’t finish his sentence because Suho interrupted him, pushing off the corner and stepping closer.
“It’s been almost a year, Sieun-ah. You always react like this when I mention doing anything other than standing in one place and dumbly following orders. I can walk and function just fine, but why are you…” he shakily exhaled, “Why are you still fussing over me like that and treating me like, like I’m some cri—”
“Don’t say that. Don’t you say that word.” Sieun’s eyes widened and filled with a mix of heaviness and disbelief. He was too appalled to comprehend that Suho thought of himself like that, let alone would say it out loud.
Sieun knew that bottling feelings up wouldn’t do Suho any good, that one day the whole powerful facade would crumble, and a little hurt boy would be left picking up the pieces. On especially difficult mornings when PT wasn’t going right, Suho would hide the tears glistening on his lash line, wiping them before they even had the chance to land on his cheek; when his grandma visited, he would hug her tight and swallow the hiss threatening to spill from his lips because of the strain in his muscles. Sieun always noticed and asked him to not hide the pain from him, to let himself be frustrated, but he would always get a thin lipped smile in return and a promise that everything was alright.
Everything was not alright, apparently. Suho stood in front of him like he would explode at any second, chest heaving rapidly as if he just got out of a physical fight.
Sieun, not knowing what to do, gingerly stretched out his hand toward him, but at the last moment hesitated to touch. “Suho-yah…”
One step forward from Sieun equaled two steps back from Suho, then he spoke, “I can’t do this right now. I’ll get some fresh air.”
No, this wasn’t right. Sieun should’ve stopped him, he should’ve apologized and let this conversation go so they wouldn’t fight. But he just froze there — suddenly all his muscles protested any movement, and he was forced to watch as Suho grabbed his phone and left, his bundled up nervous energy still lingering in the room. The whole apartment became too cold, too dark, and too quiet, the voices from the still working TV not quite helping to fill the tense silence; everything got slightly blurry due to the sheer film of tears appearing on Sieun’s eyes.
He became anxious and out of breath, he kept fiddling with his fingers, picking at the skin on his thumbs; still standing at the place where Suho left him. He made an effort to move to get his phone, contemplating whether to call the other or leave him to chill down. Finally dialing his number and bringing the phone to his ear, Sieun felt a lump forming in his throat after hearing “The person you are trying to reach is unavailable”.
Suddenly he felt so exhausted, like his legs couldn’t support him anymore. The stress of the day at the university got to him alongside the aftereffects of the argument, making him want to whine and kick his legs as if he were a little child. Knees buckling, he sat down on the floor and put his arms around them, using his forearms as a pillow for his head. He could just wait for Suho like this, to be able to greet him as soon as he steps inside; apologize to him, and make sure they talk it all out.
Minutes went on like hours, every second of waiting dripping like honey into the space where Sieun’s longing became more and more contracting, like his heart physically ached. Fatigue transformed into drowsiness, and no matter how much he tried to fight it, his eyelids were closing by themselves as if they were filled with lead.
He was almost falling asleep when he heard the sound of the code pressed into the door lock. It woke him up abruptly, and Sieun didn’t even have time to rub the sleep off of his eyes when he saw Suho hurriedly walking to him and kneeling beside.
“Sieunnie, baby, why are you on the floor?” When his eyes finally focused on Suho’s, he noticed the redness of his whites and the traces of tears that are left when one cries too much.
It hurt to see his boyfriend this sad because of him, of his words and his pressuring behavior. Suho just wanted to be free again, to live without the burden of his past laying heavy on his shoulders, but regardless of how much Sieun wanted to escape the nightmares of those years, he was actually the one letting them chain both him and his Suho.
“I called.” His voice sounded hoarse due to the unshed tears and sleep still hanging on him like a dizzy cloud. “You weren’t picking up.”
Suho sucked air through his teeth, looking regretful and in pain. “Shit, sorry, I forgot that I didn't charge it, and it died halfway.”
“It’s alright,” Sieun mumbled, gaze turning down to his hands on his lap, where he kept picking on his skin again, “I wanted to apologize for earlier.”
That punched a gasp out of Suho, and he hurried to stop him. “What? No, you shou—”
“No, let me apologize, please.” Sieun thought that if he didn't do it now, it would leave a stain in their relationship that would be too permanent to erase the longer they avoided it.
When he noticed his boyfriend not saying anything in return, he continued, “I’m sorry that I can come off as too controlling at times. I don’t want you to think I don’t trust you to be careful with yourself, and I understand you don’t want to be associated with… what happened to you in the past. My mind just keeps going back to the moments I wasn’t there for you, when you got hurt because of me, and when you were struggling. That’s why it makes me feel like you’re safe if you’re by my side. However, you are your own person, and I have no right to chain you to myself like that, so I apologize.” He puffed out the air out of his lungs, realizing he talked too much and pulled the blanket over to himself again instead of holding himself accountable.
Suho was quiet for too long for Sieun’s liking, but when he looked up at him, he noticed the other watching him with fondness in his warmest, prettiest eyes. Oh, how he never wanted to make him cry.
“I heard you. Thank you for acknowledging this and speaking up,” Suho started. “However, I didn’t get hurt because of you, hm? It was those shitheads, so stop blaming yourself for everything. You went through the same for me then, too,” and when he noticed Sieun’s chest rising with complaints, he hurried to add, “Doesn’t feel so nice, does it?”
Silence fell between them, charged with emotions they had been both feeling for a while.
“I… want to say sorry as well”, Suho took Sieun’s hands into his and, bringing them up to his lips, kissed the pads of his fingers just like the other did before. “I guess I thought if I kept ignoring the negative thoughts and the consequences of everything that we went through, they would all eventually disappear. Don’t you think I worry about you, too?” he asked, sincerity dripping from his voice. “Don’t you know how I think about you 24/7 while I’m at work, wishing I would be laying on the bed cuddling with you instead?” Suho let out a sigh, still studying Sieun’s face intensely, not once breaking eye contact.
He continued, “But, as you said, ‘You are your own person’. The same applies to you, Sieun-ah — I don’t want to suffocate you and make you regret you waited this long for me.”
Sieun shook his head even before Suho finished his sentence. What nonsense — he’d carve his way into Suho’s insides and curl up to live there as an additional organ, that was how attached he felt.
Suho laughed at the obvious disapproval on the other’s face. “Right, so, I guess you shouldn’t worry about me too much, and I shouldn’t keep everything to myself and share it with you sometimes.”
“Yeah, I guess so,” Sieun said, feeling the vice-like grip on his heart loosen, and he finally was able to take a deep breath for the first time this evening. “And, please…”
He noticed Suho tensing in front of him when the words took a little too much effort to come out of his mouth. “Hm? What— what is it?”
“Don’t leave so suddenly like this again,” he knew he looked miserable, still sitting on the floor, eyes colored the saddest tint, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. “Don’t leave unannounced, that hurt a lot more than anything you said to me.”
“Oh, my Sieunnie,” Suho took him by his bicep, lifting them both up and embracing Sieun in the warmest hug he could ever muster. Sieun felt the safest when he was in Suho’s arms, he always would. “I’m sorry, promise I won’t do it again.”
He would stand there, hugging him forever, if only it wasn’t for the sound of Suho’s stomach grumbling like it hadn’t seen food for centuries. The latter looked at him sheepishly. “Uh, I haven’t eaten since this morning. Shall we continue cooking the stew, baby?”
And this might not be their last argument, Sieun was sure — they were both stubborn in their own way, immovable object and unstoppable force, but they weren’t going to let go of each other, not soon anyway.