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My scars made me, Me
“About the scars you asked? Well, heh, don’t we all have some? I mean visible and not, guess it’s all in the matter of your own perspective, init?”
The slightly nervous hand was brushing against the side of his own face. Touching the scarring on the marred skin ever so gently. Almost as if the Trooper himself being afraid the already healed wound was still fresh and would actually open from a simple touch.
As sometimes, scars even when healed, can still remain open. On the inside.
“Well, it’s a long story and I am sure you have heard it all before. Nothing special per say, simply the horrors of war…” Howzer pauses, searching for his companion’s face for any signs present for not really wanting to hear what Howzer has to share.
“I’ve got time, no worries. Besides I am more than interested in hearing the story. That is if you don’t mind sharing. Trust me, I’m not the jittery kind.”
Howzer seeming to contemplate his options for a spell. Observing his companion in silence.
It wasn’t something Howzer minded to share after all. But it was kind of personal just the same. As none of the soldiers really too eager to share what they had gone through during the long battles no matter how close they might have become with someone.
“Well, like said, it’s really nothing as special as all that.” Howzer tried one more time to test the waters of his new friend..
A moment of thought filled silence passing between the two. The new friend of his as Howzer liked to think of his companion was certainly letting Howzer settle to his thoughts, only hoping to hear the tale.
“They are all special. The stories you share with me. And having heard so many tales of war, I can tell you, that each one is different. Personal and certainly worth the listen.” His companion didn’t want to belittle any of the personal memories each and every Trooper had, being totally earnest in his comment.
Howzer thought about the comment made and then, making his decision.
“Okay, but don’t say I didn’t warn ya. It’s kinda… boring like said.”
A nervous chuckle following the statement as if Howzer’s story wasn’t as interesting as the others had been. How wrong he was though.
Like his companion had said several times by now, they were all, special. The stories, the people, all of it.
“It’s fine my friend. Just start with whatever you’re comfortable with, I am interested in them all!”
“I um… yeah, comfortable… heh.”
Howzer really wasn’t comfortable talking about his scars despite his earlier, perhaps, bravado.
This was far from easy. Talking about the past mistakes and then the following nightmares. Always blaming himself for the happenings. Nope, it was far from it. Each of the Troopers having their own regrets for sure. Their own mistakes having been made. Something most of them would rather forget or at least try to hide from themselves. Not really wanting to deal with them again.
But, the past had a funny way of catching up with everyone in the end. In the good and the bad alike. And what had happened, well, it was good to share, right?
As guess, after everything the had all been through - the war, the Empire, the Rebellion… Well, here Howzer was, seated at the table, trying to spill his guts to this, person. His new friend of sorts. The Companion.
Captain Rex having certainly recommended the Companion for the rest of the Troopers. An empath they had made friends with after saving their life. And now, the Companion wanting to pay back in a manner of speaking, while acting as the Troopers go to person to talk to. A shrink of sorts.
The Companion, the empath, whatever name they wanted to use, it did not matter. Them having earned the respect of the Clones and Howzer certainly had no qualm with them either. Well, part from not really sure he was able to share a more personal story right now.
Or ever?
Guess it was time though, to open up as they said?
Another nervous touch of his face, some confusing thoughts filling his mind. The Companion noticing this of course. They always did, trying to elevate the nervousness in their friends.
“You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to.”
“Yeah?”
“That’s not how this works. Simply tell me what happened in your own words or don’t. Perhaps we can talk about something else… if you’d feel more comfortable…”
“Is okay, Doc. I think I’m good.”
The nickname the Clones had given the empath, the Companion.
“Well, then, I am listening.”
Howzer collected himself and then, he simply started his tale.
“It was my third mission, just out in the field….”
Howzer thought back to the moment it had happened. Reliving history was never pleasant or easy, but guess it was time to release the burden as the others called it.
“My small team was part of the recon, myself and a few shinies. I was in command.”
“Shinies?”
“Yeah, new cadets. Not that I was much older than them… but yeah, that’s how it all went back then.“
A moment passed again. Howzer collecting his thoughts.
“We’d gotten some bad intel and walked straight into the trap.”
Howzer still blamed himself for it all. Of course he did.
“I should have double checked the data, triple checked it. But we were under pressure and guess we had to prove ourselves too for the brass. That we were all worthy.”
A snide snort escaped Howzer just then, thinking of how stupid they had all been.
“You were all inexperienced.”
“True, but not an excuse.”
“Still, it was war.”
“Yeah? Well … it was a trap, and those soldiers died because of me.”
Howzer’s voice was suddenly raised.
“Howzer…”
But Howzer wasn’t listening. Reliving the moment in his head, the guilt coming forth once again.
“Shrapnel everywhere… So much blood. I tried to save whom I could… But in the end…“
“You were hit too. “
Howzer nodded only. The lump in his throat suddenly forming, unable to speak for a moment.
Howzer, had been lucky. Having escaped with only scars.
“Two of them died, two lost limbs. I, was the lucky one.”
“Clearly not. You have suffered a lot all these years as well.”
“Perhaps, but after that, I vowed never again…”
Howzer went silent again. Guess some vows weren’t as easy as that to keep.
“And you kept that promise ever since?”
The Doc knew better of course.
“No. I did not. We were at war, it was an impossible promise to make.”
A long pause, something Howzer realising suddenly. His own words hitting him. Hard.
He looked up and right at the Companion. A surprise Howard having found suddenly within himself. Guess it had been obvious all along?
“It was an impossible promise to keep.” The words were a mere whisper.
“Yes, Howzer, you see it now don’t you?”
Howzer nodded, swallowing audibly.
Howzer and the Companion sat there in silence for a long while neither of them speaking. The realisation settling in.
“Feeling any better?”
“Maybe. A little.”
“You will be alright, Howzer. You’ll feel it soon enough. The relief after such a revelation.”
“Sure.” Howzer though, wasn’t as sure as all that, but he did feel lighter. Somehow.
“Well then, perhaps we can chat some more, later?”
“Yeah… yeah Doc, we can.”
Howzer thanked the Companion before taking his leave.
As he was walking towards his quarters, the thoughts filling his confused mind. But, it was true, he did feel better. Somehow, Howzer felt like part of a weight had been lifted from his heart.
And perhaps, he really could feel better after all. Leaving the past were it belonged and not blaming himself for things having been beyond his own control.