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Sawamura was Miyuki’s first real crush, much to his dismay.
Strange wasn’t a strong enough word to describe the kid—loud, excessively boisterous, sensitive, a contradiction—none of those descriptions really did him justice. Everything with him was annoying and too much to handle, yet Miyuki was absolutely infatuated with the little booger and he couldn’t help it.
The pitcher was still easy to like, regardless of any of his negative qualities because most of his success came from them—competitive, confident, strong. The fool was inspiring to both the second string and first string members and even if Miyuki is the captain, he’d be lying if he said Sawamura didn’t make him a better player. The second year pretty much brought out the best in everyone and most of the other players looked up to him. But Miyuki was pretty sure that the way he liked Sawamura wasn’t the same way his teammates liked him (at least it better not be because he’d have to raise hell).
The way he liked Sawamura was painful. It’s not like he never looked at girls or other boys or anything like that, but it was never this big of a deal to him. He didn’t get a rush every time he talked to those other people. He didn’t feel his hands shaking every time they got too close. Nobody kept him up all night, thinking about how he might torment them, tease them, kiss them—he only did those things when it came to Sawamura.
But Miyuki wanted the pitcher to be happy, and it probably wasn’t something Miyuki could do for him. It was a constant battle, apologizing to himself with useless words. Sorry, you can’t have him or I’m sorry, but you’re not good enough.
So he’d admire from afar, until the pain subsided.
(It never really did.)
*****
Sawamura was the first person he talked to after the graduation ceremony.
He had given up a long time ago, dating other people, liking other people—it wasn’t something he could do. He couldn’t get over what never was. So even after all of the adversity he’s been able to fight off in the past, his internal struggle was much, much too difficult to conquer.
After graduation is when he decided he would finally tell the younger male how he felt about him. He’d be out of Seidou and into the real world. The same real world that doesn’t give any room for mistakes or drawbacks. Scholarships, professional offers, promises of being the best player in Japan, getting signed to a major league team in America—promises that couldn’t possibly be kept.
Miyuki, his dad to said one day, slowly but surely, whatever decision you make, I will support you.
They barely ever talked, yet he decided that would be the first thing he’d say to him after all the time they remained silent with one another.
Regardless, as nice as all of that is, leaving him in Japan, going to America to leave his dad all alone—he wasn’t going to do that. He couldn’t.
A lonely man, left without a wife, now losing a son, as if it’d all be okay.
“Sorry, Sawamura,” he whispered, scared out of his mind, “but I don’t think I can become a professional baseball player yet. I think I need to stay in Japan.”
To other people, an apology might have seemed stupid and unnecessary, but Miyuki knew, whether Sawamura ever said it or not, that the pitcher wanted his support, his compliments, his approval. So for Miyuki, a “hero” of sorts, to turn around and do this, quit on something that Sawamura had constantly insisted on him doing, it probably upset Sawamura more than anyone else could understand.
Miyuki was letting him down.
“Miyuki-senpai,” he had said calmly. “Any team in Tokyo would be lucky to have you.” He stayed quiet for a second, and Miyuki could see the disappointment sweep across his face before quickly replacing it with a sad smile. “I wish you would have gone pro. But as long as you are happy, who cares.” His smile became wider, eyes turning into moon crescents in a squint. “Besides, now you can still play catch with me.”
Sawamura was breaking his heart and the boy didn’t even know it.
(He never did tell him how he felt.)
*****
Sawamura was the first person to visit his dorm in college.
He somehow lucked out again when his roommate had dropped out of Meiji, not able to handle school and baseball.
All alone again, he was able to invite people to come and go as they please and Sawamura was a regular.
It started with him catching for Sawamura often, claiming it was good practice. It wasn’t a lie, per say, and it really was time that he used to work on his craft. But let’s get real—working with him almost every weekend they have off is a bit excessive.
It’s not until one weekend when Miyuki had a test he had to study for that Sawamura came over for something that wasn’t baseball related.
More than excitement, what Miyuki really felt was uneasiness and this edginess in his body, cleaning the room over and over, making sure the fridge was stacked, packets of hot chocolate ready to go when needed.
The younger male had said he wouldn’t mind doing his homework there while Miyuki studied, that they didn’t have to play catch all the time.
The fact that Sawamura had actually wanted to hang out was unexpected in its own right, but the fact that Sawamura actually did his homework was more surprising. Miyuki calls bullshit on that one. The only reason the kid would have wanted to come over is probably linked to some ulterior motive, thinking that Miyuki might give up and just catch for him in the end.
When Sawamura had arrived however, all he had was his backpack, his cellphone, and a bag of animal crackers—no glove in sight.
With no baseball, Miyuki thought it would have been awkward. That’s all they ever did, really, talk about baseball and compare players, argue about Sawamura’s skills as a pitcher, how Miyuki never complimented him. Everything they talked about somehow surrounded baseball and it never got tiring, but this was new. This was something Miyuki wasn’t familiar with, not with anyone much less Sawamura.
But of course, Sawamura had to find a way to make everything more exciting, never a dull moment in store.
It was only an hour into the visit when Sawamura got bored and put his homework away. Even when Miyuki offered to help, he opted for watching Miyuki study as he played around with his animal crackers.
Had it been anyone else, Miyuki would have probably snapped, but Sawamura made it adorable somehow, even if he was distracting. He even named a lion after Miyuki, saying he’d save the best for last.
“Sawamura,” Miyuki sighed. “Is there really no homework you can do?”
The younger male pouted at him, turning to the animal cracker in his hand. “You hear that George? He doubting my intelligence and responsibility.” He threw the monkey, named George apparently, in his mouth, rolling his eyes and chewing loudly. “I finished all of my homework before I came.”
“Then why did you come over?” He quickly realized how rude that probably sounded, especially coming out of his mouth. “It’s not like I don’t like having you here but—“ he corrected, not having the balls to finish the sentence.
Why even bother coming, he said to himself.
Sawamura ignored him, clacking another cracker on the table. “Miyuki-senpai is so boring, right Linda-kun?” Shaking the snack and raising the pitch of his voice, Sawamura replied to himself. “I know Eijun-kun, no wonder he’s single.”
“I’m going to hit you.”
“Linda-kun,” the pitcher started in a condescending tone, ignoring him again. “Now he’s threatening me.” Raising his voice to mimic that of a woman’s, he replied to himself again. “He must have forgotten that you’re used to it, Eijun-kun. Kuramochi-senpai was much worse.”
Rolling his eyes, Miyuki leaned down to smile evilly at ‘Linda’. “Linda-kun, can you please tell Eijun-kun I’m never catching for him again?”
At that, the pitcher’s head snapped up to look at Miyuki, jaw dropped and a hurt expression plastered on his face. “That’s not funny,” he whined softly.
Miyuki had to bite down the urge to comfort the boy, reassuring him he’d never, ever stop catching for him because he’s so hopelessly in love with the idiot. “So, again, why’d you come over?”
Sawamura bit off the elephant’s head, pretending he didn’t hear anything. “Linda-kun is delicious.”
“Sawamura.”
Miyuki’s gut twisted and his breath caught in his throat while he waited for the answer. This is odd and he doesn’t have any recollection of them talking about anything together on their own, so whatever is going on is putting Miyuki on edge.
“Well,” the younger male replied before pausing, leaning down to rest his head on the table. He looked away and Miyuki could have sworn he was his ears turn pink but he ignores the thought. “It’s just that you don’t seem to have many friends and you are living all alone.” Sitting up again, he shrugged, shoving the rest of the animal cracker into his mouth. “I thought that maybe you would get lonely every once in a while.”
Miyuki stopped himself from doing anything but smiling back slyly. “How sweet. You’re worried about me,” he joked, teasing in a sing-song voice.
He expected Sawamura to snarl and argue vehemently about Miyuki being stupid or having a nasty personality, or he would roll his eyes and shove another cracker down his throat.
But instead, all he gets is a very serious stare, head cocked to the side, replying as if it was the most natural thing in the world. “Of course, why wouldn’t I?”
They stared at each other silently and Miyuki wonders why somebody like Sawamura, a guy who’s so personable and sweet and loveable would worry about someone like him. He tries to play it off, hoping his voice wouldn’t betray him. “Sorry for making you worry, I guess,” he said with a shrug.
“If I wanted your apology,” Sawamura snaps back, “I would have asked for it. What I really want is for you to tell me when you’re lonely.”
(Sawamura was making this whole moving on thing really hard.)
*****
Miyuki was there when Sawamura pitched his first no hitter.
Seidou was playing in the finals to qualify for the summer koshien and it was a day that most college coaches in the area let their players have time off so they could scout at the game.
Sawamura had been masterful all day, striking out at total of 12 Yakushi batters. The only player to get on base was the first baseman, but Miyuki still thinks the umpire was biased, calling the pitch on the corner a ball when it was obviously the perfect pitch (had Miyuki been catching, it would have been called a strike and he would have been able to get Sawamura a perfect game, but whatever).
Todoroki Raichi had struck out twice already and of course, it wouldn’t be a thriller if he wasn’t the last out of the game.
He had battled with Sawamura to get the count to three balls and two strikes, fouling off over seventeen pitches. It was exhilarating and even Kuramochi had been incredibly silent the entire at-bat, way too nervous to even breathe.
“He’s gonna walk him.” He said, grabbing his green hair, rocking back and forth. “Crap, crap, crap.”
It’s a pitiful feeling and he feels sorry that he even thinks it, but he can’t help but get this tugging sensation in his gut. It’s probably because he’s jealous that he can’t be the one to catch for Sawamura right now, that he isn’t the one calling the pitches. But he means every word when he says it.
“Sorry to say it, but you’re actually really stupid. He’ll strike him out.”
Kuramochi looked over at Miyuki, eying him suspiciously. “What makes you so sure?”
At that, Miyuki just shrugged and ignored Kuramochi’s skeptical stares, watching as Sawamura took the final sign from his catcher. “I believe in him.”
When Sawamura finally struck Raichi out for the third time that game on the next pitch, the same curveball he and Miyuki had spent months on perfecting, he just smiled back at the boy that immediately looked up at the stands.
He likes to think Sawamura had been looking for him.
(It was probably just a coincidence.)
*****
Sawamura was there the first time Miyuki won the Tokyo Big 6 Tournament with Meiji.
It wasn’t Sawamura’s first time to see him play collegiate ball, but Miyuki felt like it was the biggest game of his life, proving to the younger male that he had been working too—that he wasn’t a disappointment. He had already seen Sawamura make it to Koshien and for him, being able to show the pitcher how good he’s gotten was important.
He had always felt like he had let him down when he hadn’t gone pro, but Sawamura never held it against him. It was something he found himself apologizing for frequently, even if he never apologized outright. It was something he insinuated from time to time. But Sawamura never said he was upset or anything of that nature, reassuring Miyuki that he knows he’ll make it some day. However, Miyuki had this gut feeling that the pitcher might have secretly been upset this whole time, getting quiet when they talked about going pro or when they talked about Meiji.
It was probably the best game of his collegiate career, going 3 for 4 with a walk-off homerun in the bottom of the 12th.
When he hit it, he knew immediately that it’d be gone, so he turned to the stands to find the person he wanted to see the most in that moment.
Sawamura had already been smiling at him.
He likes to think that Sawamura had been waiting for him to look up at him.
(But Miyuki is used to ignoring his wishful thinking.)
*****
Miyuki was the first person Sawamura ran up to after his graduation ceremony, finally getting ready to start college and start life away from Seidou.
A big part of Miyuki was crushed, knowing that he probably wouldn’t be as near as he would have liked. Seidou was only a fifty minute trip to the university, but they were probably going to be separated now that Sawamura was going to be going away.
It was a selfish thing to want Sawamura to stay with him as long as possible, and he’d been preparing himself to get used to not having the pitcher around as much, but still, the realization that it was all becoming real was starting to eat at Miyuki. Every moment they were going to spend together from then on was going to have to be treated like it was the last time they would see each other.
Sawamura had spent a lot of his time visiting Miyuki still, mostly studying and doing homework, asking Miyuki to help him study for college entrance exams and even offered to help Miyuki study for his classes. But Miyuki knew they weren’t going to have those moments anymore. Having Sawamura stay over at night, talking until early in the morning, having breakfast together every once in a while—they weren’t going to get those.
He felt sorry for feeling this way and he wanted to apologize somehow, silently so that Sawamura wouldn’t be tipped off about anything. Miyuki decided he would just smile for the boy.
Smiling for Sawamura was all he could do, no matter how hard it might be.
The ceremony had just ended and the boy was way too excited about something. Miyuki could sense it from a mile away. Sawamura was a family guy, so when he saw the boy run past his family and straight to Miyuki near the exit, he couldn’t help but wonder what was going on.
“I have something to tell you!” Sawamura had huffed out, panting from jumping over chairs and dodging the people in his way. “I wanted to surprise you so I waited until today!”
He was still all smiles even though he was sweating and breathing hard. Miyuki couldn’t help but affectionately wipe at his bangs, pulling up his undershirt to dab the sweat off his forehead. “What?” he asked as he fixed the younger male’s hair back in place.
“So I have been looking at colleges and stuff and—“
“Oi, Sawamura!” Kuramochi howled, other former teammates in tow behind him. “What do you think you’re doing ignoring your senpai?” He glared, huffing out his chest before kicking Sawamura in the butt. “You can’t say hello anymore?”
“Kuramochi-senpai,” he pouted, rubbing his butt. “I have to tell Miyuki-senpai abo—“
“I can’t believe you,” Kuramochi snarled, shaking his head. “First, you decline the invitation to go to my university, then you choose to go to Meiji with Miyuki, and to add insult to injury, you ignore me when I try to tell you congratulations.”
Miyuki’s head whipped back and forth between Sawamura and the shortstop, eyes wide in surprise. “Wait.” A grin took over his lips as he gazed at the younger male. “You’re coming to Meiji?”
Stomping his foot and head tilted back frustration, Sawamura pouted. “Kuramochi-senpai, I wanted to surprise him,” he whined, dragging out the last word. He sighed, turning to Miyuki with a shy smile. “But yeah, I decided to go to Meiji.” The graduate grinned wider, holding up a peace sign. “I even studied really hard this year so I could get in.”
The unmanliest laugh flew out of Miyuki’s mouth and he had to grab at his sides from laughing so hard, but he was happy and his laughter probably sounded more like he was sobbing, though Miyuki didn’t care because all of the worry and self-pity was coming out of his system. “Sorry,” he tried, wiping at his eyes and holding up his hand as a silent apology. “Sorry. Let me get ahold of myself. I just can’t believe you’d do that.”
Sawamura grinned wide. “I get to pitch to you again.”
If they were the only two in the room, Miyuki would have definitely kissed him right then and there.
(He’d never be able to do it anyway.)
*****
Sawamura was the first roommate that Miyuki had in college—well, real roommate that didn’t leave.
It was odd, how well they had worked together for almost half a year. The two of them decided it’d be best to move into an apartment right next to the school with permission from their coach. It was all very domestic in the best possible type of way, figuring out who was in charge of what. Miyuki took care of cooking while Sawamura was better at cleaning. They both liked to study earlier in the day so that later at night they could have free time—the T.V. being too loud was never an issue. Sawamura liked to shower in the morning whereas Miyuki liked to shower in the evening. They both had class at the same time, so they were able to make the two minute walk to campus and back together. Miyuki never had to worry about Sawamura taking his coffee and Sawamura never worried about Miyuki eating his sweets.
Everything just worked out extremely well and Miyuki felt like the two were just made for each other—that all of it worked out because they were meant to stay together for the rest of their lives.
It was weird and mushy and they spent every moment together without getting on each other’s nerves.
But there was also—those moments.
It was those moments where Miyuki would do something stupid like let Sawamura fall asleep in his lap while they watched a movie or when he’d sweep Sawamura’s bangs affectionately when the boy didn’t want to study anymore or when he’d let Sawamura sleep with him when the thunder was so loud it’d shake the building.
It was all really domestic and really nice but it was also just really stupid and unfair.
All of these moments were leading up into one huge inevitable explosion and Miyuki could sense it coming. All of these amazing things that happened—playing baseball together, living together, just being together—positive things didn’t happen to Miyuki often and the likelihood of it continuing was very slim.
“Wait.” Sawamura looked at the soup, picking up one of the vegetables in it. “Did you put the celery in already?”
Crap. Miyuki knows Sawamura is very particular and hates celery so he usually leaves it on the side, before he served the younger male. “Damn. I’m sorry Sawamura. Here, let me take them out.”
As he stretched his hand to pick up the ladle, he felt a hand grab his wrist. “Miyuki-senpai, it’s really not a big deal.”
“Are you sure? I don’t min—“
“Why do you always do that?” Sawamura’s brows were furrowed, watching him skeptically. “You’re the one cooking. If I’m not happy with it, then I shouldn’t eat.”
He’s not sure what got the boy so upset because all of a sudden, the pitcher huffed a long sigh, shaking his head. “What’s up with you?” Miyuki grabbed the boy’s sleeve of his shirt, pulling him closer. “You say you’re not mad, yet you sound pretty mad.”
Sawamura sucked in air through his nose, looking at the soup. “I’m not mad about the stupid soup.” He looked back at Miyuki before stepping to the cupboard to grab two bowls. “I’m mad because you keep doing that—“ he waved his arms around, not knowing how to describe it, “—thing—I don’t know. It just makes me mad.”
“What thing?”
“That thing where you always apologize.” Sawamura picked up the ladle and began to pour Miyuki a bowl. “You always apologize for the stupidest stuff. It’s just so weird. You are always mean and say mean things, yet you apologize like, all the time. Like that time I accidentally washed your homework with the load of clothes and you started apologizing to me. Or that time I hit that batter from Inashiro in the head and you told me it was your fault. Or—“ He paused, handing Miyuki the bowl. “Or when you keep saying sorry for not going pro.”
He stared at the younger male silently, watching him pick at the soup, trying not to get any of the celery. He opened his mouth and closed it, debating what he should say. “It’s because—“ he stopped. Because I want to be close to my dad, he thought to himself.
“Of course I was disappointed,” Sawamura shrugged, continuing when Miyuki didn’t. “I mean, you were the reason I decided to go to Seidou. We were partners, you know?” Sawamura doesn’t usually ever talk about anything that comes remotely close to the topic of going pro, yet here he goes spouting this. “But you had to have had a good reason. I believe in you so—“ He placed the ladle on the countertop, cupping his bowl in two hands. “Whatever,” Sawamura said, walking over to the table. “Forget I said anything.”
How the hell was Miyuki supposed to forget that?
(Of course he couldn’t.)
*****
Miyuki’s first real fight that he actually cared about was with Sawamura.
It was really sudden and it blindsided Miyuki but all of a sudden his roommate had been doing more things without him. Sawamura, a young man with very good looks, was going to go out with other people and get hit on and go on dates—Sawamura was good with people and it was bound to happen. It was going to happen.
That didn’t make it okay though—not to Miyuki.
It’s selfish and stupid and he isn’t allowed to feel this way, especially since he has said some pretty mean stuff to Sawamura before, but now the entire dynamic of their relationship had changed and the younger male is starting to do things on his own, away from Miyuki. They didn’t even talk about the fight and they didn’t really change anything, as far as the way they talked to each other. But the distance was obvious.
They didn’t walk to school together all the time anymore and Sawamura always seemed to get home later than usual and was hanging out with other people. It was an annoying twist in his gut and ache in his heart when he felt that sudden déjà vu of only cooking for one person, having to put away left overs for somebody who didn’t come home.
It wasn’t too bad at first because Miyuki didn’t have to know what the pitcher was doing when he wasn’t there. He didn’t really care since it was Sawamura’s life, and he’s always told himself that the boy didn’t belong to him, no matter how badly he wanted him to.
But then one night, Miyuki sees a girl leaving their apartment when he gets home one day after his separate workout and it takes everything in him not to explode. They didn’t talk about it and Miyuki didn’t want to, but the distance was getting bigger, and now they weren’t even acting the same around each other. They were back to only talking about baseball and everything else was practically non-existent.
Again, Miyuki was okay, even though he really wasn’t, and he’d just let it go because, again, Sawamura wasn’t his.
But then Sawamura didn’t show up one night, and he didn’t return until the next morning, so of course Miyuki was pissed.
“Where the fuck were you?”
Sawamura didn’t even bother looking up at him as he kicked his shoes off upon entering the door. “At a friend’s house.”
“What friend?” Miyuki knows he shouldn’t be giving him the mom treatment but he was worried sick and he stayed up all night trying to figure out where he was.
The younger male narrowed his eyes, glaring at Miyuki. “Maybe if you read the note on the fridge, you would have seen I was with Haruichi and Furuya.”
Slowly getting up, Miyuki went over to the fridge, looking at the scribbled note. “Crap.” He let out a soft sigh of relief, not sure why he had been relieved but either way he was just glad to know he was okay. “Sawamura, I’m sorry. I should have checked.”
“You know,” Sawamura starts, tossing his keys on the counter, “there’s a limit to how many times you can say you’re sorry and actually mean it.”
He doesn’t know what his roommate wants, but it looks like he wants Miyuki to say something, anything to him.
He’s expecting something and whatever it is, Miyuki can’t give it to him because he just doesn’t know. “What do you want from me then?”
They stand there, glaring at each other, but there’s no bite behind it. If anything, there’s a sad look in Sawamura’s eyes and Miyuki thinks he looks pretty pitiful too. “Whatever.” Sawamura walked towards the bathroom, passing Miyuki on the way, not even looking at him. “Stop worrying about me,” he said, not even a bit of emotion in his voice, “It’s annoying.”
Miyuki was losing him.
(But it’s not like he ever had him in the first place.)
*****
The second biggest fight he and Sawamura had was the scariest.
It started out when he and Sawamura weren’t talking anymore and they hadn’t been for a while but that didn’t mean Miyuki didn’t care about him. Since their argument, the several months were awkward, neither of them eating together that often and neither of them talking about much, not even baseball. It was just silent and awful and Miyuki hated it.
Miyuki was a third year at the time and he was the captain, so one night, when he saw that Sawamura still wasn’t home, hadn’t left a note (learned his lesson the first time), hadn’t answered Miyuki’s calls or texts or done anything, he freaked the fuck out.
He was not going to be the one to tell their coach he had lost Sawamura, their ace, and he was not going to be the one to tell Sawamura’s family he had lost him either because his grandfather was crazy. So when the thunder got progressively worse and it was 11 o’clock at night, he decided he needed to find the boy before he died from a panic attack.
The first place he looked was the school and he probably looked like a lunatic, running around the entire campus trying to find him. He hadn’t been in the library or the computer lab or the cafeteria so he ran to the club house, hoping he had been there because that was the only place left.
He busted through the door to see some sneakers and a bag that looked like Sawamura’s, but the actual boy was nowhere to be seen and the first thing Miyuki does is think that maybe Sawamura is in the indoor facility, but he catches the light on the field and there is no fucking way Sawamura is stupid enough to go onto the slippery field, 11 AM, thunderstorm pouring down, to run.
It takes him negative ten seconds to sprint out of the door, out onto the field. He was running so fast he swears he could give Kuramochi a run for his money.
He finally reaches the top of the hill and sees a figure running around the field.
Sawamura has always driven him crazy, in both a good way and bad way.
This was the bad way.
Very, very bad way.
“Sawamura!” He roared, stomping toward the other male as he froze in surprise. Miyuki braced himself so he wouldn’t slip on the mud. “What the fuck are you doing!”
Miyuki has never been one to yell or even really raise his voice, but seeing the boy, motionless, staring at him with wide-eyes, was getting him even more riled up.
Every bit of frustration he had felt was coming out of him and he didn’t care about whether they were in a fight or if they were roommates or friends or boyfriend or anything. He was going to get him home, in their shower, onto his bed where he was safe.
“Come home, right now!” It was the first actual conversation they had had in quite a while and although he didn’t want it to be like that, he didn’t have a choice. The pitcher opened his mouth to say something, but Miyuki wasn’t going to listen to it if it was a plead to stay longer. “Don’t say anything!”
He grabbed the boy by the arm when he finally reached him, pulling him roughly, all the way to the clubroom. Sawamura didn’t even resist and he dripping so much Miyuki couldn’t help but wonder how much his clothes were weighing him down. “Miyuki-senpai—”
“Don’t!” Miyuki turned to his locker, pulling one of his own shirts and sweatpants for his roommate to wear. “I don’t want to hear anything out of you!” He took a shaky breath, trying to calm down. “Now put those on and my jacket and when we get home you are going to take a bath, eat dinner, and go to bed. Do you understand me?” Sawamura looked down sadly, flinching when Miyuki raised his voice again. “Answer me!”
Sawamura’s head rose to stare back at Miyuki, tears forming in the corner of his eyes. He just nodded his head slowly, beginning to take off his wet clothes.
(Miyuki didn’t know how much more he could possibly take.)
*****
The first time the two of them talked after their fight was—strange to say the least.
If it sounds fucking weird, it’s supposed to, because how it happened, he doesn’t know, why it happened, he doesn’t know, but what he felt afterward—well, he knows that.
He doesn’t know if he’d really call it what it was because what they did doesn’t really seem all that coordinated like it probably should have been, but it got the job done and Miyuki had been wanting to do it for a long time.
It started with the walk home, which was torturous by the way, but even after all of that, Miyuki was still heated. They hadn’t said a word to each other, but he grabbed the younger male’s wrist, pulling him the entire walk home to make sure he didn’t slip away again.
Once they entered the door, Miyuki wasted no time, throwing off his shoes and going to the shower to turn it on. He walked back out, grabbing Sawamura and pushing him into the restroom. “Hurry up. You have ten minutes. You better be at the table to eat or so help me you’re sitting out the first ten games once season starts.”
It took approximately eight minutes and fifty two seconds for Sawamura to finish and put on the clothes Miyuki got him, sitting at the table. He sat silently, only staring at the bowl in front of him, when Miyuki brought over a spoon and chopsticks. “Eat.”
Reaching out to grab Miyuki’s arm, Sawamura finally spoke. “Miyuki-senpai, I—“
“Eat.”
With red eyes, the pitcher let go of Miyuki’s arm slowly, grabbing the spoon and mumbling a thank you before eating.
Miyuki stood and watched for a second before going to the closet to grab a dry towel. “You better eat all of it. I didn’t put any celery, so just eat it all.” He walked back over behind him and began to rub the towel over his roommate’s head, drying his hair. “I can’t believe you. How stupid can you be? You can get sick and die.”
“Mi—“
“What if you slipped and twisted your ankle? What if you landed on your pitching arm and couldn’t pitch anymore? What if—“
“But that didn’t happen,” the younger male mumbled.
“Yeah! Because I stopped you before it could!” Miyuki stopped rubbing at his head, running his fingers through the hair. He came around, leaning on the table and wiping his bangs to the side. “You didn’t call or text or anything. Do you know how worried I was?”
“I told you not to worry—“
“So? You think I care? I am going to keep worrying about you as much as I want.” Crossing his arms, Miyuki looked away. “Why wouldn’t I worry about you? I care about you and don’t want you to get hurt.” He stopped, sighing.
The sudden rush of guilt began to pour into Miyuki, remembering the way the told Sawamura to stop worrying about him and how he had yelled at him earlier. All of his feelings were rushing into him at once and the thought of losing the pitcher finally brought them all out. “I’m sorry, Sawamura,” he started, still not able to look at the boy. “I shouldn’t have said those things to you and I’m sorry for yelling. I’ve been a jerk but I was worried about you. How do you expect me to—“
He suddenly heard a sniffle and he turned his head towards the source. Was he—
“Crap.” He made him cry. “I’m sorry.”
Miyuki has always been an asshole and he prides himself in it sometimes, but he would never intentionally try to hurt Sawamura. He quickly grabbed the other chair and sat down, turning his roommate towards him. “Don’t cry.”
“Miyuki-senpai,” Sawamura whined, tears dripping down his cheeks. “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.” He wiped at one eye with his sleeve.
With a tug on Miyuki’s chest, he breathed in deeply. “It’s not your fault. I’m not mad at you.” He reached forward, wiping at the boy’s tears with his fingers.
“No!” Sawamura sobbed, grabbing Miyuki’s hand that was cupping his face. “Not about that! I—” Sawamura stopped, wiping his nose with his sleeve. “I should have told you how I felt,” he whined.
At that, Miyuki furrowed his brows, trying to get Sawamura to talk to him. “About what? What are you talking about Sawamura?”
Sawamura continued to sob, not able to speak at all.
Miyuki sits there quietly, for a while, trying to give the boy time to explain himself. This whole night has turned out to be ridiculous and all Miyuki wants to do is go to bed and take Sawamura with him. “Sawamura,” Miyuki reasserted. “Tell me what you’re talking about.”
“I didn’t know how to tell you, Miyuki-senpai.”
“Hey, calm down.” Miyuki scooted closer, rubbing the younger male’s hand with his thumb. “It’s okay.”
Sawamura sobbed again, taking a deep breath. “It’s not.” He leaned forward, putting his head on Miyuki’s shoulder and Miyuki immediately began running his hands through his damp hair. “Miyuki-senpai, I like you,” he cried out.
Miyuki froze, ears ringing because if he heard him correctly, he said that he liked him, and he knows he probably didn’t mean it like that but—
“I really, really like you. And I mean like, like.” It’s muffled against Miyuki’s shirt, but he is almost 99.9% sure he heard that correctly. “I’ve always liked you.”
Turns out he had meant that way and he’s not ever sure if he was getting any oxygen to his brain, nothing is processing. The boy he had spent his entire adolescent years pining over just told him he likes him the same way Miyuki likes him.
He doesn’t know what to say and he’s done trying to find the words, so all Miyuki can do is lift the boy’s head and kiss him, hard and sudden and short, but that was fine because he kissed the guy he had liked for so long, and yes, it was fucking awesome and it was kind of weird—they made it weird and it was stupid but Miyuki was very, very okay with that.
Coincidentally, that same night was Miyuki’s first kiss with Sawamura.
Sawamura was driving him crazy again. This time in the good way.
(The very, very good way.)
*****
Miyuki’s first real kiss, the kind where it’s romantic and doesn’t taste salty like tears, was the next morning when Miyuki woke up with Sawamura in his arms.
He’s only dreamed of it, waking up with the sun shining in his face, smiling at him.
Except this time, it was reality.
(It’s everything he thought it would be.)
*****
Sawamura was Miyuki’s first boyfriend.
And he hopes he’s his last.
(Turns out he was.)