Chapter Text
“You’re… You’re not Hikaru, are you?” Yoshiki said.
“—Huh? How did you… I thought I copied him perfectly” He heard his friend answer. That was the moment where the world stopped spinning for Yoshiki.
He froze as this new ‘Hikaru’ hugged him, digging his nails on his back. “—I really don’t want to kill you, please don’t tell anyone.” ‘Hikaru’ said and surprisingly Yoshiki didn’t feel like he was lying, the only thing crossing his mind was the fact that he didn’t want to be abandoned a second time by his best friend.
“I won’t.” He promised. “Nice to meet you ‘Hikaru’.”
They both stood up from that old bench they were sitting on and rode their bikes in awkward silence. But, while Yoshiki’s mind was spiraling through all possible scenarios and still in shock by the news; ‘Hikaru’ felt kinda relived about Yoshiki finding out his secret. It wasn’t that it was difficult to keep in character, this Hikaru guy was truly a sunshine in every sense, it was easy to experience the world for the first time with nobody asking him about his enthusiasm for everything, and even better, a best friend like Yoshiki, that makes life so much easier when he had any questions.
They finally arrived to the Tsijinaka’s house shrouded in silence only interrupted by the cicadas. As Yoshiki walked towards the front door, a sudden doubt crossed his mind. A question he would never ever dare to ask if it wasn’t in the heat of the moment and the shock that still hadn’t been settled just yet. “—Do you like me?” He asked nervously.
“I’m crazy for you.” ‘Hikaru answered just a little too quickly. Yoshiki tensed, he was definitely not expecting that from him. He has never said that before he thought. After a while he answered while opening his front door: “—Then don’t leave my side ever again, ya hear me?” As he closed the door and disappeared from ‘Hikaru’s’ sight.
And as if the string keeping Yoshiki’s body up had been cut, the dropped to the floor in a squat, leaning his back to the door and aggressively trying to catch a breath as the tsunami of emotions finally flooded his mind. “—Yoshiki?” He hears his mom ask from the kitchen. “—I’m home!” He answers before standing up and running to his room, locking the door behind him.
He manages to gather the strength to reach his futon, his knees giving up. He is really gone, huh? He thinks to himself. I am alone now. And that single thought managed to land one last hit on his heart, making tears come out of his tired eyes as he hugs himself in a poor attempt to stop the tremors that attack his body. Oh Hikaru, what am I going to do without you? His mind drifted through the memories with Hikaru he held closer to his heart, after all, Yoshiki doesn’t seem to know a life without Hikaru. What is he going to do now? Will he be able to get up and go to school next morning? Is this new ‘Hikaru’ responsible for all the pain he is feeling?
He doesn’t get to sleep much thinking about how Hikaru died, the thought of it being painful made his stomach clench, he couldn’t even process what kind of twisted joke was this, or if karma was coming after him for something he did in the past. He cleaned the tears that blurred his eyesight and made his cheeks burn as if lava was coming out his eyes. Even in the few hours he managed to rest, nightmares of a ghost cutting open Hikaru’s limp body and crawling through every vein and organ in his body as all he could do was watch and scream from afar. And when the darkness was about to reach Hikaru’s heart, Yoshiki woke up with cold sweat and a strange stomachache that forced him to lay back in bed for a few more minutes.
When he gathered enough force to get up and put on his uniform, his mom was already calling for him to get some breakfast. “—Yoshikiii breakfast is ready, you’re running late!” She said. “Coming…” answered a tired Yoshiki. He made a quick stop in the bathroom to check his appearance. And the image that the mirror gave him back was kinda expected but still surprisingly shocking for him: sunken eyes and pronounced dark bags under his eyes revealed the events of last night. He dashed to wash his face three times, as if that would make him look better. What am I gonna do? I can’t show up like this to school! He opened the bathroom cabinet as if a magic solution would appear right in front his eyes, and it kinda did. Kaoru’s makeup bag was poorly hidden behind some shampoo bottles. Something has to work… He told himself as he opened and spilled its contents to the sink. He ended up choosing a weird looking brush and a bottle labeled as “foundation” that seem to be like his skin color, putting some in the brush and spreading some under his eye bags.
“YOSHIKI, you are running late!” His mom warned. He wasn’t exactly happy with the results of the makeup but there was nothing else he could do about it. He grabbed an apple and took his backpack from the table. “Ok mom, see ya later.” But when he got to his bike he jumped almost chocking with a chunk of the apple the just bitten. Standing outside was ‘Hikaru’ looking authentically amused by Yoshiki’s reaction.
“You should have seen your face Yoshiki” he laughed. “You looked like you just saw a ghost!” Yoshiki sighted as a part his mind found peace at the sound of Hikaru’s laughter, as if everything was normal again and yesterday never happened. But a small part knew better and warner him, grounding him to acknowledge this wasn’t really his friend, a part that he finally ended up drowned and forgotten in that same instant. “—Come on, quit being a goof Hikaru, we are running late” He rolled his eyes. “And whose fault is that? I’ve been waiting for you for an eternity Yoshiki” Hikaru answered in a playful voice. “—Wait. Wait, wait, wait, are you… wearing makeup? He chuckled in disbelief. “Dude, you’re definitely wearing makeup.”
Yoshiki blushed and turned his head to avoid ‘Hikaru’. “No I’m not!” He tried to say. “Why would you say that?”. Hikaru made a U turn to face Yoshiki. “Because you definitely are man, did Kaoru managed to talk you into this or something?” Yoshiki raised his eyes to meet ‘Hikaru’s’ face. “—Is it that obvious? I was trying to hide my eye bags…”
He started rubbing his eyes violently to get rid of the stupid foundation but a hand stopped him. “Hey, stop that” ‘Hikaru said in a serious tone. “We should get going.” Both boys took their bikes and rode to school. ‘Hikaru’ finally decided to break the silence by ranting about his so called favorite manga Master + Master, though he had only read the first volume. Yoshiki was relieved that he didn’t have to address the elephant in the room just yet, but at some point they needed to have that conversation.
“Man, I’m really excited for the Master + Master movie, we should go watch it after school Yoshiki” Hikaru said. Yoshiki just hummed as the approached the school gates, entering to school just in time to avoid professor Hara and a punishment. Classes went normal but something inside Yoshiki seemed to be disconnected from reality, he kept going back to every single moment he could remember of his friend before the mountain, as if his brain was trying to rationalize what made the two versions of Hikaru different from each other and if something he did triggered all this suffering. It was like if his mind was trying to only blame him as the responsible for his own suffering.
I know, I know, it must’ve been the time i forgot to check on him when he got the flu. No, no it has to be related to the time that I gave the smaller piece of cake when we were kids, I shouldn’t have done that. If I just had insisted more on those plans for the weekend maybe he wouldn’t have been in the mountain that day and died. Wait, died? Does this count like dying, or is Hikaru just possessed? Can I bring him back? I’ll do anything, any price to have him back one last time. Anyway, what is the teacher talking about? Huh? As if you care right now, you should be thinking about Hikaru, he might be dead. I can’t be sure about that.
But then, a loud, guilty thought run through his mind, making Yoshiki clench his teeth, only to think about it made him want to disappear into thin air: Maybe you wont need to think about that, in the end it is least painful to forget, we can do it, we can forget about it all, pretend Hikaru is still here and is our friend, he wont act out or start being weird or anything, he doesn’t want to be discovered, we can make it work. This made his feel sick, what was he supposed to do now, it wasn’t like anything could really go back to normal now the truth was out between them.
“Yoshiki” Asako waves her hand in front of his face. “Earth to Yoshiki, hello?” Yoshiki blinked a few times before looking at Asako. “—No, yeah I’m here. I just got distracted.” He assured her trying his best to imitate a calming smile, as if he just wasn’t going into a full panic attack just a few seconds ago. “—Looked like you were trying to find the solution to climate change and failing every time dude.” Maki commented, smiling. “Anyway, does anyone got plans for the weekend? I’m on full bored mode, I literally have nothing to do. Someone, anyone, do something.” He added dramatically.
The bell that marked the end of the classes, finally rang and Yuuki sighted, approaching Yoshiki’s seat. “I don’t know about you guys, but Asako and I are having a sleepover this Friday. I don’t know what dudes do, but I’m sure you can figure that out on your own” she said with an underlying cheerful tone to her usually gloomy voice. “—That’s right, a girls plan only this time. Sorry guys.”
Maki exhaled loudly. “See? Even the girls are having more fun than us! Hikaru, do something about in man!” ‘Hikaru’, who had been mostly quiet the entire time, with occasional smiles and giggles to his friend group’s comments, answered “—Well, every time I ask you to do something with me, you guys always say no! That’s why Yoshiki is my favorite, he always complains but ends up coming with me anyways”
“—That’s because you always want to hang out at the creek, catch frogs or play Smash at your place. You know we don’t live in the area, man. We can’t always visit.” Maki responded. “Though we could go to the arcade after school if you and Yoshiki have some time to spare.”
Yoshiki looked up at his name being brought up in the conversation, he was having a really hard time focusing on anything else than his thoughts. But before he could ask about what was going on, ‘Hikaru’ intervened“ I mean sure, but we should do that tomorrow, I heard the tokens are cheaper on Wednesday.” But Yoshiki knew that was not all the truth, tokens were always the same price, except on holidays, but decided to remain silent. I’m curious about why ‘Hikaru’ would lie about something to trivial, I don’t mind going to the arcade with Maki at all. Is he planning something? His train of thought was suddenly interrupted by everyone standing up and picking up their school bags. “Let’s go, Yoshiki, hurry up!” ‘Hikaru’ called. He finally snapped out of his trance and hurry to pick up his notebooks and backpack to follow ‘Hikaru’ and his friends. When they reached the school gates, the white haired boy stopped and grabbed Yoshiki’s wrist, who didn’t expect him to do it and jumped, swallowing a wimp. “Actually guys, you should get going, I need to talk to professor Hara about my extra homework from the days I was gone. Can you stay with me Yoshiki?”
‘Hikaru’ told me he had already finished his assignments weeks ago. I don’t like all the lies his telling our friends, but if it means I get to talk to him alone, maybe I should take the chance. “—Ok, I’ll go with go. See you tomorrow guys, take care.” Yoshiki could only pray for this not being a terrible mistake. “—Sure guys, be careful on your way back. See you tomorrow!” Asako answered, taking Yuuki’s hand and waving back to her friends. ‘Hikaru smiled and waved back to them, turning around and leading the way, still taking Yoshiki’s wrist in his hand. It’s ok. This is fine. ‘Hikaru’ said the wouldn’t kill me right? Was that a lie too?
The two boys walked back inside in awkward silence, only interrupted by some of the teacher walking through the hallways, occasionally humming to the rhythm of popular songs. What didn’t change was the fact that ‘Hikaru’ seemed to not want to let go of the black haired boy’s wrist. But his grip wasn’t painful, in fact, in a certain way, Yoshiki interpreted as him letting go of control for a second, placing his trust on what seemed to be his best friend. His touch was like a warm blanket wrapped around his brain, making him feel numb and in a sense, forgetting that this might end up in a dangerous situation for him. But who cares? In the end, it has always been him. His weakness and his strength, the only one who could keep him away from the darkness of his thoughts. Back when they were kids, Yoshiki always thought of Hikaru as his own personal ray of sunshine, a soul so bright that was capable to fill his with light even when Yoshiki was to tired too even try on his own. He couldn’t understand why he would lose time on a basket case like him, and at some point, it didn’t seem to exist a Yoshiki without Hikaru.
‘Hikaru’ lead him to one of the rooms where the P.E equipment was stored, specifically one that was quite far from where the teachers used to stay after classes. Yoshiki came back to himself when ‘Hikaru’ slowly let go of his wrist to open the door for him, leaving his skin missing the warm contact. “After you” said the boy before actually letting himself in first. Yoshiki rolled his eyes, a faint smile almost getting to his lips as he walked in and heard the door closing behind him. ‘Hikaru’ started walking around, apparently looking for something, maybe even checking if they were alone. He finally settled to moving two wooden boxes for them to sit. The black haired boy got the message and sat down, looking around the small dark room, only illuminated by the very little sunlight coming from the small window near them.
“What are we doing here ‘Hikaru’?” Yoshiki asked after getting the courage to speak. “—Oh, I just thought you might wanted to ask some questions, you have been distracted all day, and I just want everything to go back to normal between us” ‘Hikaru answered, a big smile on his face. He sat down in front his friend and Yoshiki noticed how the sunlight kissed his skin, giving him a strange but beautiful halo. He almost believed for a second that nature was doing it on purpose to make him forget about how wrong everything was now, like a consolation gift in exchange for his sanity. Damn. Yoshiki thought. He could trick anyone into doing anything with that smile. He decided that it was okay to stare for a little longer as he locked the details of ‘Hikaru’s’ face, his white curly hair, the unique color of his eyes somewhere between gray and blue and his stupid big smile.
‘Hikaru’ kept his gaze on his friend and moved his head to the side, like a puppy. Yoshiki finally snapped, registering his friend’s words. “Right…” His mind trying to put order to his thoughts as they spiraled into the multiple questions he could ask and their answers, he was scared to ask the wrong thing and possibly disappear in consequence. “—Maybe we should start with… what are you?”
“Oh, right to the tough one, huh?” ‘Hikaru scratched the back of his neck, looking uncomfortably around the place, avoiding Yoshiki’s eyes. “Well, I’m not sure either… But I’ll tell you what I can remember ok?”
Yoshiki nodded slowly, scared to hear the answer of his own question.
“I had been in that mountain for a very very long time. But I couldn’t sense or feel anything around me, I was kinda just floating around, existing.” When he saw Yoshiki’s confused face, he rushed to explain more. “Uhmm, you can think of it as a robot, mildly conscious of its own existence, but not enough to do anything about it. Then I runned into Hikaru and… BOOM. This happened.” He motioned his hands up and down his torso.
It can’t be. No, no, no, no, no. Did this thing just killed Hikaru on cold blood as if his life didn’t matter?
“What you are saying… does that mean you…” Yoshiki couldn’t finish that line. It made him feel sick.
“Wait. No, no, that’s not it. I didn’t kill Hikaru, if that’s what you are trying to say” Hikaru stood up, approaching Yoshiki, who hugged himself, as if that would protect him against whatever his friend had become. “I swear I didn’t kill Hikaru, when I found him he was already very hurt and couldn’t move. The next thing I can remember is already being like this.”
Yoshiki covered his face to avoid more tears from coming out his eyes. Killed. It is so easy for this thing to say it. Why does it make me feel sick to know about all this? I shouldn’t have asked. “Then tell me, are you some kind of ghost? Is Hikaru really dead?” He asked, cleaning his face with the back of his hand, facing his friend once more.
“You need to know that Hikaru really died the night he disappeared, his body had multiple injuries that caused him great pain” ‘Hikaru said, as if those words didn’t have any kind of weight in his heart. How can he say all that with no emotion on his face? Feels like he is telling me what I need to buy at the grocery store.
“How can you just say that!?” Yoshiki sobbed. “That’s my best friend you are talking about, you can’t just tell me that and expect me to do nothing about it. Do you at least feel something about what happened?
“…I mean, I had to work hard after to fix his body, so you could say that. But, other than that… I can’t really process human emotions just yet. My chest feels heavier than usual and words come slower as they should do, also my eyes feel watery and my cheeks burn. What does that mean?”
This ‘Hikaru’ gets to feel the same way I do, but doesn’t know what any of it means. Does that make things worst? Yoshiki lifted his knees up in the box and hugged them as he hid his face from ‘Hikaru’. “That means you do feel bad about what happened to Hikaru. It is called empathy, or maybe you are just sad you needed to work more to actually be alive…” he mumbled. “So… Hikaru is really gone?”
“Yeah…” ‘Hikaru’ managed to say “I’m really sorry about that. I didn’t really choose to be here, you know. But I’m glad I am alive and to get to experience life along with you, Yoshiki. You really make me so happy whenever I see you. It feels like my heart beats faster and my hands get sweaty. Also, when you leave, I feel empty and my mind always comes back to you no matter what I’m thinking. Does that also mean something?”
Hikaru has never told me that. Ever. He was always joking about confessing his love for me and stuff, but it never came as far as this conversation. What is this new ‘Hikaru’ all about? I really can’t just walk away from this. I know this isn’t the real thing but I do want him to stay with me. He couldn’t let him go just yet. It would physically hurt him to do so.
“Quit joking around Hikaru” Yoshiki brushed his words off. “This is serious. We need to set rules if we want this to work. First, no one else has to know that real Hikaru is death. You can’t tell anyone about that. Ever.” Finally a new smile grew bigger and bigger at Yoshiki’s words, he truly couldn’t believe he was staying by his side after all. “Number two, if you need to ask something you don’t understand about something delicate, do it later. Come to my house or something, don’t act weird” ‘Hikaru’ nodded vigorously, pure emotion running through his veins. “And third, if you really like me us much as you say you do, then don’t go away from me ever again, understood?”
But Yoshiki didn’t wait for an answer, he was too embarrassed for that. He just picked up his bag and moved towards the door. “You coming?” He just asked, making ‘Hikaru’ react, shacking and grabbing his back too, walking after Yoshiki.
On the way back home, both boys felt more comfortable around each other, with ‘Hikaru’ asking dumb questions, and Yoshiki found himself smiling while answering. This is okay. This is okay. H e kept reminding himself, but ultimately ended up forgetting his worries. That was Hikaru’s effect on him. No matter how wrong things were, it was easier for him to sort it out with him by his side. Just a look at those pretty eyes made him want to surrender control to him. Wait. Are Hikaru’s eyes pretty? I mean they are, but not in a weird way right?
Maybe they were just all he needed in life to keep going. In the end, he always believed the universe worked in ways beyond his comprehension.
They managed to make it to Kubitachi before the sunset, the last rays of sun saying their goodbyes when they reached the Tsujinaka’s residency. Yoshiki walked his bike to its usual place and placed the chain and the lock around its front wheel, something he forgot to do yesterday from the pure shock. That was more of a tradition than a real need, something his mother always made him do, even though nobody would steal a bike in Kubitachi. His guess was that her childhood in Tokyo taught her some lessons the hard way. The other boy watched him do it, following every step of the process with his eyes, and when Yoshiki was done, ‘Hikaru’ leaned his bike to a bush and walked towards his friend.
“Hey Yoshiki”
Yoshiki turned around to look at him. “Huh?” But when he did he found himself in a tight hug, with his friend burying his head in his chest and his nails digging into his back. “—Thank you. You know… for everything. You have been so nice to me even though I stole your friend’s body. I promise to do my best to make it up to you, just… don’t leave me alone, I don’t know what to do without you.”
The black haired boy tensed at those words, his heart melting at the sincerity he felt from them and his eyes completely opened. His hands moved on their own, ghosting over ‘Hikaru’s’ back, without actually returning the hug. He was definitely not expecting something like this to happen. Hikaru was not usually this opened about their relationship. they normally liked to keep it simple and showing they care for each other with small gifts and acts of service.
But it didn’t felt awkward at all, in fact it was the exact opposite for Yoshiki. It might not be normal for them to hug and talk about feelings, but he could definitely get used to this. ‘Hikaru’s’ hug felt like the summer breeze directly to his heart, eliminating any doubt or fear and replacing it with warmth and safety.
When ‘Hikaru’ let go of him after a while, he looked at Yoshiki in the eyes, a light blush making his usual pale skin glow, as if he was still hoping Yoshiki would say something. “Don’t worry ‘Hikaru’, as long as we don’t leave each other’s side we will be okay” The black haired boy reassured him, but for Yoshiki it felt more like a prayer and less like a promise. They said their final goodbyes, and Yoshiki watched as his friend disappeared behind some bushes.
…
“So… what’s up with Hikaru?” Kaoru asked after dinner. They were hanging out in Yoshiki’s room. They don’t do this often, but sometimes, Kaoru just showed up to tell her big brother about her day, and he loved to listen to her endless ranting about school drama, He occasionally gave some advice too, not that he knew much about girl stuff, but Yoshiki tried his best. “—What do you mean Kaoru?” His mind had already gone through every case scenario possible. Did she find out about the truth? Is it that obvious for everyone? Then why has nobody spoke about it?
“I saw you guys through the window when you came back home. Does he usually hug you like that just to say goodbye?” Kaoru explained. Yoshiki let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, relived to know his secret was still safe. “—Uhmm, no. We don’t usually hug, but he was just feeling a little more emotional than usual I guess, he might tell me what’s going on later” He lied, avoiding his sister’s eyes. he was such a terrible liar, his eyes always betrayed him with that, but he ultimately hoped Kaoru wouldn’t ask any more questions.
“Oh okay, it’s fine if you can’t tell me, just let me know if things get worse or something.” she said, standing up and stretching before heading to the door. Yoshiki realized there was no use in trying to deny it anymore so he just offered “—Sure thing. Don’t worry though. I’m sure it won’t be a big deal after some time” and as Kaoru closed the door behind her, he wished his words were true. He didn’t really know what was going to happen next.
After that, he opened his backpack and unpacked his assignments for the following week. Yoshiki was definitely a planner, he loved to complete his homework the same day they sew assigned, unlike his friend, who was more of a procrastinator. And as he completed some of the easier worksheets he noticed how his mind seemed to always find its way back to Hikaru. Oh, this math problem reminds me that Hikaru asked me to tutor him on this topic. Oh, this short story gives me the vibes of that one time I went to the creek with Hikaru. It was as if his mind was forcing him to face the inevitable. He attempted to focus for a few more mixtures, but when the variables in the math problems started spelling Hikaru’s name, Yoshiki knew he had to stop for the day.
While he was changing into his pajamas, he catch a glimpse at something in the corner of his room, hidden behind a pile of dirty laundry. He reached for it and recognized it as a notebook his mom had gifted him a couple months ago, back when classes began in April. he hadn’t used it just yet because there was still space in his old notebooks from last year. He opened it and shuffled through the empty pages. It was actually a very expensive looking notebook, it had a discrete black cover and thick pages, those that prevented the ink from the markers to pass to the next pages. I probably won’t be using it for school. The thought . And it was true, it was one of those notebooks you just don’t want to use unless it is really important to you.
But I don’t want it to go to trash or be forever empty in my shelf though. I should make a planner or something out of it. Then a quick small voice in his head whispered an idea. He closed his eyes and shook his head at the thought. What if someone finds it and takes ‘Hikaru’ away from me again? A part of his head said. But you know that you won’t last long if you have no one to talk to about it, you can nearly concentrate in conversation with everything going on in here. His mind also offered. In the end, he ended up making his mind. This notebook would become some version of a journal where he could write anything that worried him in the day. Therapeutic somehow. Yoshiki came to think of it as the equivalent at screaming into a pillow, without disturbing his entire neighborhood.
So he sat again on his spinning chair, taking a blue pen from his desk. He opened the journal on its first page, running his hand over it to smooth it out, taking the back of the pen to his lips, and anxiously biting the cap. After a few seconds of just staring at the black infinite space, he decided to start writing something. He settled to start with:
Dear Hikaru:
But immediately realizing how corny it sounded, well… looked.
Dear Hikaru:
His intention was to pretend as if he was writing all of this as if Hikaru or ‘Hikaru’ was going to read it someday, something that Yoshiki was clearly not allowing to happen. Ever. He decided to try one last time.
I want to get you off my mind
But I still need to see you
It’s like you are still here
You are almost here
And it’s almost enough
Writing that relieved some of the weight in his chest, it seemed to be working. But those words drained the last of his energy, and being happy about the result, he closed his notebook and turned of the lights of the room, the darkness consuming his surroundings and giving him a peace he hadn’t felt in days. He laid down and let the night drift him into sleep.