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I was getting ready for Kris and Susie to get done with the festival and come back to me. Patiently sitting on my bare floor, I was gripping my only true possession. The plushie Kris had given me at the carnival about 2 days ago. I don’t know why Kris gave it to me, they could’ve given it to Susie, or Noelle, or Berdly, why me? I knew instinctively that it was probably It, not really Kris. And I wondered who Kris would actually give the plush to if given free control.
But I wanted to hope, I wanted to wish it would’ve been me. I knew how selfish that was, I knew the others deserved it more. But still it was tempting to hope that somewhere in Kris, the real Kris, there were reciprocated feelings. But I also knew I shouldn’t even wish for that. I don’t deserve reciprocation because I shouldn’t even feel in the first place.
I continued thinking in silence, hugging my small look-alike close to my chest. Then, finally something happened, finally, finally something happened. I heard a noise downstairs. I went down the steps, and saw Susie, Kris… and Noelle and Berdly? Well, that makes some sort of sense, Noelle and Berdly did tag along for today's Darkworld adventure.
“Hi gu-“ I started saying, and then midwave I spotted an out of place detail, I saw Berdly and Kris… holding hands? No, no no no no, this… this can’t be real right? I must be imagining something, right? I rub my eyes then look at them… and sure enough. They’re still holding hands.
“Hey Ralsei!” Susie said, waving back to me. “That festival kinda sucked, ngl, didn’t really miss much.” She said confidently, though I know she’s just trying to reassure me because she’s in a much better mood than she was at the end of the last adventure. But I appreciated the thought.
I quickly covered my shock at Berdly and Kris’s situation and smiled. “Oh, well, sorry that your time was boring. But it did seem I missed one thing. What’s up with you 2?” I ask Kris and Berdly cheerfully, ignoring the pain in my chest.
“Kris is now my GAMER GF (gender neutral)!” Berdly replies happily, my eye may or may not have twitched in response, because nobody noticed so there’s no proof it happened. “And we got together at the carnival!”
“Aww, that’s nice. I’m happy for you two.” I say, and I wasn’t exactly lying. I was happy that Kris was happy, and I didn’t acknowledge any other feelings the situation caused, so I basically wasn’t lying. “So, what do you want to do now?” I ask, tilting my head at my friends, and Berdly.
“Idk, wanna have another tea party?” Susie asks, shrugging.
“Sounds good. The last one was so fun!” I nod, following Kris to Susie and Kris’s shared room. As we went up, I kept on telling myself that it didn’t matter and it doesn’t affect me, but there’s only so long you can keep believing the same lie. “So, you guys should probably stay out of the room for a bit, I need to prepare the tea party!”
“Well, couldn’t we… help? Why should you do it all alone?” Noelle, ever so sweet Noelle, asked.
“Yeah, we can’t let you do everything around here! I know your whole thing nowadays is like, ‘Let me do everything just have fun’, but if you haven’t noticed, that’s reaaaally stupid.” Susie agreed, pushing the door open and going inside.
“W- well, if you all want to help, I guess I can’t stop you?” I followed them inside the room. Noelle and Berdly looked around the shared room.
“This is kinda like my room in Queen’s castle… It’s, like, tailored to you guys…” Noelle said, looking around. “It also reminds me of Kris and Asriel’s room, except Kris has all the trophies, fanahahaha.” Noelle laughed, looking back at the table they’ll have the tea party at.
Berdly’s eyes narrowed at me. “Wait just a moment you caprine-“
“I’m actually a lagomorph, this is just a headband to look more like a goat-“ I corrected, taking off the plastic horns on top of my head.
“- Why don’t we get rooms?” Berdly continued, looking over to me.
“Because I haven’t had the time to set them up, I have lots to do…” The truth was that I didn’t think to make ones for them, good thing I have something to fill my freetime with now.
“Ok, but how do we actually… prepare for a tea party?” Susie said, scratching her head.
“Well, we need to get the table ready and get the tea and cake. Here, Kris and I will clean off the tables, and you guys can go get the refreshments. How does that sound?” I reply, and the others nod in agreement.
“Well, where would we get tea and cake?”
“Oh, you can ask the Swatchlings for the tea, and you can make cake in the cauldron. In case you have any trouble with the cauldron, we’ll just come down after we finish cleaning. So get going, friends!” I instruct, watching as they leave to get the tea and cake.
Kris and I stood in silence, I moved over to the table.
“Actually, I think you’ve worked hard enough today Kris, how about instead, we close our eyes and imagine what Susie and the others are doing?” I ask, a few seconds after I do, I see Kris go rigid… “Is it gone?” Kris nods in response. “Ok. Jeez, it’s been a while since It agreed to this. Though, the last few times weren’t to talk to you. Sorry about that.”
“Ehh, you got weird secret plans to do, I can sympathize.” Kris shrugs in response, mysterious as ever.
“Yeah… So, Berdly, huh? How’d that happen?” I tilt my head, trying to sound curious as opposed to hurt.
“It was mostly the soul’s decision, it wanted me and Berdly to go to the festival together for some reason? Then one thing led to another, and now I have a boyfriend.” Kris replied, as if it wasn’t a big deal.
“Wow, a boyfriend, what’s that like?” I ask, wondering how to ask the question actually in his mind. I start wiping down the table, getting any crumbs or anything else.
“Ehh, Berdly isn’t… the worst. But his particular vocabulary and mannerisms are… acquired tastes, I guess? It can be grating is what I’m trying to say.” Kris answers.
“Wow, that sounds… annoying?” I admit. “I- I hope you’re having… fun…” I force out, gripping the washrag tighter than necessary.
“…” Kris observes me, seemingly looking through me. “What is it?”
“Wh- what are you talking about, Kris?”
“You want to say something, what is it?” They cut to the chase.
I inhale, looking over to Kris. “… Do you want this? Like, do you actually like Berdly or is it all the Soul?” I ask, trying to sound like I wanted to know for Kris’s sake and not for some selfish need to feel like Kris wasn’t actually out of my reach.
“Well, he’s really stupid, and annoying, but… I do kinda like him.” Kris says, smiling, and I just… couldn’t.
My hands cover my face, the tears of pain rolling down my cheeks, one after the other. One testament to my weakness, my selfishness rolling down my face one by one. I try to restrain it, I shouldn’t even like Kris, let alone be sad they’re with someone and happy with them. What does it say about me if I’m not happy for my supposed best friend when they get into a happy relationship? “Wow, Kris, I’m so… happy for you.” I say through sobs.
“Ralsei?” Kris looks concernedly over at me. “Ralsei, why are you crying?” Kris limps over to me, putting a hand on my shoulder.
“No!” I flinch at Kris’s touch, which confuses both of us. “I’m not, I’m not crying, I’m just…” I try to wipe all the tears leaving my eyes. “I don’t… I can’t make you concerned about me. I shouldn’t make you concerned about me. I’m not supposed to feel like this…” I fall to my knees, continuing to cry into my hands.
“Ralsei…” They kneel next to me. “Just tell me what’s wrong.” They lift my head up, forcing me to meet their gaze. “There’s nothing wrong with being sad, even Darkners.”
“…” I break down even more, if that’s possible. Angel I’m so pathetic. “I just… I want something. Something I know I shouldn’t want to have, nor something I even have the chance to have. And no matter how much I tell myself how out of reach it is, no matter how much I tell myself I shouldn’t want it… I do, and the more I do, the more it hurts to not have it.”
Kris wipes the tear from my eye. “And what is it you want, exactly? I promise you that it isn’t as selfish as you seem to think it is.” They smile reassuringly.
“You.” Is the word I want to respond with. It bubbles in my brain, threatening to spill out of my mouth. That single, selfish thought fills my mind, the thought that I deserved someone as great as Kris to return my stupid feelings. And no matter how much I shove it back down my throat, it keeps crawling its way back up and threatening to spill out again. But I don’t respond with anything at all, not even an acknowledgment of what Kris said. I can’t even bring myself to admit I’m horrible, I just stare into Kris’s eyes.
Just then, Kris’s demeanor shifts, their eyes once again obscured by their hair. The moment breaks as the nice comfort of my friend is replaced by the cold entity once again. I immediately get up and dust myself off. They’re watching afterall. I go back to wiping off the table quickly, hoping that it doesn’t notice something was going on.
I realized I was still crying and frantically wiped my sleeve across my face, removing all evidence of my state. “Oh, look at that, we finished with the cleaning, cmon, Susie and the others probably don’t know how cauldron cooking works!” I ran off, fleeing the situation.
During the trip down, I try to compose myself further, clearing my throat so it doesn’t crack. Kris and I finally arrived at the bottom of the stairs and witnessed Susie, Noelle, and Berdly all fiddling with the cauldron. Berdly and Susie seemed to be arguing. There were 3 piles of cake, all a weird mush of frosting and spongey cake layers.
“What happened here?” I ask, looking over at them and their… creations.
“Berdly keeps making crap cauldron cakes!” Susie points at Berdly.
“Well you're not doing any better! Yours exploded!” Berdly pointed back at Susie.
“I wanted cherry and I kept on thinking of the song ‘cherry bomb’!” Susie threw her hands in the air. “Not my fault it took my thoughts literally!”
“Guys! Guys! It’s not your fault! I’m actually surprised you even managed to make globs. Cauldron cooking’s pretty hard.” I interrupt the 2’s arguing, going up to the cauldron. “What you have to do is focus your will into a single magic spell instead of just asking the cauldron to make something.” I activate the cauldron, and then a cake shoots out of it, which I catch. “See?”
“See Berdly? I had the right idea. Just telling the cauldron what to do wasn’t enough, you had to touch it too.” Susie poked Berdly in the beak.
“Shut up! It was just a… minor miscalculation!” Berdly made an excuse, Kris chuckled at his antics. I then wanted to die.
“C- can we just… start the tea party?” Noelle asked, very very done with their arguing. Susie and Berdly reluctantly agreed and went up the stairs and arranged the tea and cake. We then sat down at the table. Berdly sitting by Kris, Noelle sitting by Berdly, and Ralsei sitting across from Susie.
“Susie, maybe you should try to… not piss off your friend's mom?” I suggest after Susie tells a story of how she intentionally pissed Noelle’s mom off.
“Hey, she’s a bitch, how can I not piss her off?” Susie laughs. As if her being annoying outweighs the basic concept of ‘not ruining your relations with your friends parents’.
“Susie, don’t call her that, she’s just strict, not a bad person.” Noelle defended her mom, like a good kid.
“Really? Because she seemed more than just strict. I mean, she even just forbid you from going to the festival with me and Kris, she tried to forbid you from going in general in fear we bumped into eachother! That’s major bitch behavior, I think.” Susie continues, leaning back in her chair.
“Well, to be fair, I did immediately start hanging out with you as soon as she let me go. So she was right in that regard, she just shouldn’t have been worried about you.” Noelle scratches her neck, preferring to justify Carol being controlling.
Susie rolled her eyes.“Kris, Carol’s a bitch right? You’ve known her longer.” Susie hit Kris in the face with a sugar lump to get their attention.
“… Changed after Dess…” Kris says in the way they always do when the Soul tells them to lie. At the mention of Dess, Noelle’s face fell, and an uncomfortable silence fell over the room. Berdly looked over at Noelle in concern, Kris shrank.
Noelle looked down, mixing her tea with more focus then necessary. Berdly patted Kris’s hand. Everyone except Susie understands the gravity that that name has for Noelle and Kris.
Susie scratches her neck, not understanding why everyone got so quiet. “Oh right, Dess. We should really Find Her, right?”
Then Kris makes the expression they make whenever someone says something and the Soul recognizes it.
“Yeah, we really should, where could she be lost?” I ask, tapping my face thoughtfully.
“Hmm, maybe she’s in the shelter somehow? You did mention that something seems to be locked there.” Berdly suggests.
In response, Kris began to shake. I knew they didn’t like the Shelter, but why did mentioning something being in the bunker make them so… scared?
“Kris, is something wrong?” Berdly asks. “Is it about the Shelter?”
“I- I think so? Umm. Maybe we should discuss something else? Such a heavy topic for a tea party seems… out of place.” I suggest changing the subject away from Dess.
“Yeah, that sounds fine…” Susie shrugs. She takes a sip of her tea, then looks over at Kris and Berdly. “So, Kris, didn’t know you liked stupid nerds.” Susie teases, smirking at them.
“What do you mean? Nerds are exactly my type.” Kris says in an… unreadable voice. I know that means it’s true but there’s no chance they would’ve said if the Soul didn’t make them. Like every single time Kris compliments someone.
“Yeah, my dearest Susan, I am exactly Kris’s type.” Berdly says proudly, pointing up like the nerd emoji Susie compares him to all the time.
“My names not Susa-!” Susie says angrily, before catching herself. “Berdly, stop ragebaiting me or I’ll kick your ass.” She says calmly
“Ragebait? What is this rage bait you speak of? I only know cool GAMER terms, like rizz, and skibidi-“ Berdly says, playing dumb.
“Shut the fuck up right now I swear to the Angel!” Susie screeched at him.
“Ok, ok, stop arguing in my castle.” I say, facepalming.
“Yeah guys, tea is supposed to be calming…” Noelle added.
“Fine, whatever.” Susie grumbled.
After that, the tea party continued without major hiccups. I kept trying to pay attention to the larger conversation. But I kept zeroing in on Kris and Berdly. When Kris would tease Berdly, or when he would say something funny and they would laugh. I kept catching myself wondering “Why couldn’t it have been me?” I kept being jealous of Berdly, that he’s allowed to love and be loved. That he’s allowed to love them.
And I’m just a Darkner.
“Rals?” Susie broke me out of my train of thought, snapping me back to reality. “Are you ok? You're staring into space.” She asks, and the conversation continues around them.
I don’t respond. “Do you want to talk about it in private?” I nod. “Me and Ralsei need to get more tea.”
“But we have plenty of tea-“ Noelle says, looking in the tea pot, then Susie grabs it out of her hands and drinks all of it.
“Oh, see? Out.” Susie says, showing the empty tea pot. She then drags me out.
She closes the door to her room and looks over to me. “Are you umm… ok dude?”
“Wh- what do you mean? Why wouldn’t I be?” I ask, looking down as we walk to Swatch.
“Ralsei, I’m not stupid, I know you like Kris.” Susie says pointedly, looking over at me.
“I d- don’t like-“
“And that’s why you blush whenever they’re close to you, why you like hugging them so much, why you think so much about what they’d like, why you try so hard to be things that’d make them more comfortable, why you fed them that apple-“
“Ok, ok, I get it!” I breathe in and out. “I-… I like Kris, fine…”
“So I also know you’re probably not taking the news that they're seeing someone else the best.” Susie says, scratching her neck.
“I- I’m fine, really. I’m happy Kris is happy.” I lie, smiling at Susie.
“I know you’re happy that they’re happy, that’s just how you are, but I also know that it’s making you feel horrible. For once, stop being so self sacrificial and admit you want something.” Susie says, punching me lightly in the arm.
“B- but-“
“I know already, ‘Darkners shouldn’t have emotions or wants. Don’t worry about me.’ But I don’t care if you're a Darkner, you're still my best friend, and you still have emotions. Please, just tell me how you're feeling.” Susie smiles at me warmly.
I laugh bitterly. “You're so kind, how do you do it?” I look over to her. “Fine, I feel… really really bad about this. I don’t know why, but from the moment I first heard of Kris, I just… wanted them. To hold them, to encourage them, to love them. And the more I’ve gotten to know them, the more this want has grown. But… Now they’re out of reach. And there’s nothing I can or should do about it…” I say, beginning to cry, but I wipe them away.
“If it makes you feel any better, I bet they’ll break up soon.” Susie comforts me jokingly, when I don’t laugh, she gets more serious. “Ralsei, you’re obviously in love. If you really want Kris that much, then why aren’t you saying anything?”
“Because… I’m an object Susie. I’m not… real. Imagine your pen got mad at you for getting married, that would be absurd right? Why should I be any different…” I say, crying harder.
“Ralsei, it doesn’t matter if you're an object, you’re still real. You still have feelings, and wants, and people care about you so much more than they would a pen. I care about you. Why do you keep insisting that you don’t matter so much?” Susie pats my shoulder.
“I just…” I pause, thinking. “I just don’t understand how things that don’t exist could matter. I don’t know how to explain it any better than that…”
We got to the cafe, and then after we got the tea, we started going back. “Ralsei, all I have to say is that I think you should go for it.” Susie encourages me.
“But what about Berdly?” I ask.
“Idk dude, but I feel like maybe they don’t like Berdly as much as they let on.” Susie smirks. “But whatever, you want to pass on your first love then be my guest, it’s not my life.” She shrugs, entering her room with the tea.
“…” I rub my eyes, entering after her.
After that, I kept sneaking glances at Kris. Wondering what they’re thinking, what they want. Would they like Berdly enough to date him had they been free?… Would they even be here? In my silence, the tea party continued around me, like I wasn’t even there. Like my contributions didn’t even ma-
“So, Ralsei, what is it actually like when we’re not here? Like, when it’s just you and the other Darkners?” Noelle asks, stirring her tea. Oh, right, people care about me.
“Oh…” I stir my tea as well, looking over to her. “Mostly just work. Getting ready for you guys to come back.” I shrug. You may be wondering if that’s true, well mostly. You see, I do this thing where I say something technically true but I intentionally leave out details. What I left out here is that whenever I have no work I just sit on my floor, doing nothing.
“Don’t you do anything just for yourself?” Noelle asks.
“Well, I do want to sometimes, but I don’t really need to, do I?” I say, shaking my tea. I then realize how bad that sounds. “A- as in, there’s not really anything I want to do anyways. Everything's more fun in a group anyways!” I say cheerfully.
“…” Susie coughs awkwardly. “Berdly and Kris, stop being gross. This is a tea party!”
“We’re not even doing anything you stupid varanidae.” Berdly says, using the family name for lizards for some reason.
“Well, stop nuzzling each other, weirdos.” Susie puts her tea cup down. “So, Rals, if you did have to do something solely for yourself, what would you do?” Susie says, looking over at me.
“W- well… If I had to choose…” I tap my face thoughtfully. “I guess I’d read books. Just sit down and read for a long time. I know it’s simple, but reading just for fun sounds nice…”
“What do you… usually read for?” Susie tilts her head.
“You know, you guys…” I replied, looking down.
Susie nods, deciding that first up on ‘Make Ralsei value himself if he kicks and screams’ is letting him do something for himself. She puts her tea down and clears her throat. “… Here, how about instead of you making Berdly and Noelle’s room, we can make them, and you can read a book?” Susie asks.
Berdly blinks. “Wait, but that sounds like a lot of wo-“
“We’re making his fucking room.” Susie says again, standing up.
“Wait, you guys really don’t have to, it was just a hypothetical.” I put my hands up, not thinking they would immediately take it seriously.
“No, really dude, you do so much for us, let us do something for you. It’s what friends do!” Susie smiles, patting me on the back a bit harder than necessary.
Without any further word, Susie forced everyone to go make Berdly and Noelle rooms. Well other than Kris. “Actually, Kris, you don’t seem like the decorating type, why don’t you keep Ralsei company?”
Berdly blinks. “Bu-“
“Thanks ok bye.” Susie shoved Noelle and Berdly away.
“… Well ok.” I shrug. “Well Kris, would you like to read with me?” I ask, blushing.
They shrug in response. “What do you want to read?”
“Well I’ve always been interested in reading Blood Meridian.” I say, walking out of the room with Kris.
“… Ralsei, what?” Kris asks, I could see their eyes through their hair, and it looked very confused.
“What, it’s a classic for a reason.” I run my hand down the length of my ear.
“So where would books even be?” Kris asks, moving on.
“Oh, after the church Dark World I installed a library beside my room.” I say cheerfully, we go up the stairs and I open the door to the library. “Ta-da!” I say, presenting the large library.
“How does it fit?” Kris gestures around, the large space not making sense to be right by the stairs and my room.
“Oh, Dark Worlds don’t need to follow the logic of physical space.” I shrug.
We both sat down on a couch, I retrieved a book and sat across from them. I opened it.
“Do you want me to read it aloud?” I ask, looking at Kris.
“Sure.” Kris replies, not looking at me.
I began reading the book, sometimes looking over at Kris to gauge their reaction. The strange formatting confuses me, but I press on. Trying my best to read confidently. The reading presses on for 15 minutes, but eventually The Soul speaks up.
“Ralsei, what do you and Kris talk about when I’m gone?” Kris’s mouth moves, but the true speaker doesn’t even try to conceal its existence.
“Huh, what do you mean?” I tilt my head in response.
“Whenever you ask to close our eyes and imagine Susie, what do you and Kris talk about while I’m gone?” It clarifies, looking directly at me, or… I think they are, it’s impossible to see their eyes through all that hair.
“Oh, nothing much, mostly just friend stuff. You don’t need to know, really.” I say, putting the book down.
“Ralsei, I said tell me.” It commands.
“It’s private, I really shouldn’t-“
It grabs me by the wrist, squeezing my arm until it hurts. “Ralsei. Tell me.”
“I just asked Kris what they actually wanted most of the time, and not what you did. Pl- please don’t hurt me.” I try to take my wrist back, struggling against its grip.
“Is that all? What were you so afraid to tell me?” It tilted Kris’s head.
“Y- yes, I promise. It's just private and I don’t want to tell Kris’s business.”
It lets go, sitting normally again. “Whatever.”
“Ok, umm, I guess I’ll just-“ I go to pick up my book, but it’s hand blocks me.
“No, I have another question actually.”
“Wh- what is it, Kris?” I look over again.
“What do you want?”
The question confuses me, and I flinch away. “… It’s not important.”
“I don’t appreciate you lying to me, Ralsei.” It smiles, but even without seeing if it reaches Kris’s eyes, it looks strained enough to tell me it’s forced.
“I- why do you care?” I scoot away from it.
“Yesterday, when we were in your room, you said that giving you that plushie gave you your first selfish desire. That you want more plushies… ‘First’?” It tilts its head, moving closer to me. “Is there a second?”
I shifted uncomfortably under its gaze. “I- Idk if I should.”
It smiled wider. “If you don’t tell them I will-“
“T- tell them what?”
… Silence hangs in the air.
“Your feelings.” It got even closer, uncomfortably close. A closeness I, yes, have wished from Kris, but in this… situation. I hated it.
“Wh- what are you doing?” I look up at it.
“What? Don’t you want this?” It laughed, more like a forced exhale of air than something to express joy. It got closer to me once again, and I wondered in terror how far the Soul was willing to go to learn more.
“Hey Rals we finished the… rooms…” Susie opens the door to the library. Her eyes widened in confusion at the scene before her.
Berdly squints at Susie. “Hey, what caused such uncharacteristic hesita-“ Berdly went in after her, also spotting the scene.
Before the two was Kris and I, on the couch. Kris positioned uncomfortably over me in a position anyone without context would assume to be romantic. I immediately scoot away from Kris, trying to create distance between the 2 of us to quell suspicion. But from their expressions, I can tell they didn’t buy it.
“Oh hi guys.” Kris doesn’t move, suddenly having a normal expression.
Noelle walks in last, her eyes widening at the 2. “Umm… d- did we… come in at a bad time?” She blinks.
“We’re not- we’re just- that’s not what’s going on!” I say quickly, my eyes darting between everyone rapidly.. “Kris, tell them!”
“I was just asking Ralsei what he wants, he’s been focusing on us so much, you know.” They say in a flat voice.
“Kris, that didn’t look like ‘just talking’.” Berdly says angrily, squinting at them.
“I’m just weird with space, sorry for how that looked.” Kris shifted again, sitting normally in the couch. “Really.”
“There was no reason for that, Kris.” Berdly scowls.
“Really, I do this with all my friends.” Kris justifies.
Susie and Noelle shift, then nod reluctantly. “They did jump on me that one time in the middle of the night.”
“Grabbed me to smell my hair in a backroom of the TV-World Darkworld.” Susie agrees, thinking back.
Berdly blinks, he couldn’t argue against that. Kris is quite weird… Berdly smirks, deeming this great grounde for some awesome ragebaiting. “Kris, have you been harboring feelings for Ralsei? Gasp, were you fake dating me to make him jealous and then you caught real feelings, but your original feelings bubbled up when you were alone? So tragic.” Berdly grips his head dramatically.
“Stop being a weeb, weeb, reality doesn’t work like that.” Susie rolls her eyes at Berdly’s rambling.
I cover my face with my ears, blushing deeply. “We were just talkinggggg.”
Susie runs over and punches me in the arm affectionately. “What did I say dude? Just go for it.”
“S- Susie.” I nurse my arm. “Th- that’s not.”
“Did they give you tongue??? Give me the details.” Susie shakes me.
“We weren’t kissing!!!” I silently scream at her.
In response, Susie noogied me. Berdly kept doing his stupid anime voice to Kris.
“Berdly, I wasn’t cheating on you.” Kris says annoyedly at Berdly.
“No, don’t lie to me Kris-chan, I understand.” Berdly looks away, wiping tears that didn’t exist from his face.
“I’m gonna strangle you if you don’t stop talking like an anime character.” Kris threatened.
“Sorry.”
“Can we just move on? Don’t you guys want to see our rooms?” Noelle asks, interrupting Kris and Ralsei arguing with Berdly and Susie.
“Yeah, let’s go see those rooms Kris!” I ran out again.
The first room was Noelle’s, I went inside and it looked a lot like her room in Queen’s castle, except more homey. I assumed it had the layout of her real room, but more posters from bands she liked, it also had a predominantly yellow color scheme. There were also photos of other deer, I assumed that to be her family.
“Hey, this room is actually pretty well decorated. I’m proud of you.” I say cheerfully.
“I kept trying to put spikes up but Noelle kept protesting.” Susie says, bumping my shoulder.
“I don’t want spikes in my room!” Noelle demonstrates what Susie just said by protesting. “Berdly kept trying to put up those multiplication tables posters.”
“How else would you practice multiplication when you spend time in the Darkworlds?” Berdly says confidently, pushing his glasses up.
“Berdly, the Darkworld’s are a place to get away from the real world, which includes… math…” I say slowly.
“Well, whatever you think doesn’t matter! Let’s go see my awesome gamer pad!” He marches out of Noelle’s room.
They follow after Berdly, when we enter his room. I am immediately unsurprised, every wall is covered by a tv monitor, all connected to a different console. In the middle, a swivel chair surrounded by tables with every controller on them. There’s also a trashbin, tissues, and lotion.
“… Berdly, why do you have tissues and lotion but no other accommodations?” Kris asks, squinting at Berdly.
“Gaming dries out my feathers and I tend to play sad games.” Berdly says, sitting in the chair and beginning to play something.
Susie chuckles to herself. “Yeah, we all believe you.” Kris and Susie high-five.
“Ok, now what?” I ask, not wanting to be in Berdly’s gamer cave any longer.
“Well, since we’ve proven our interior design chops, how about we do your room?” Susie says, smirking at me.
“Wh- what? I already have a room.” I say, brushing it off.
“Yeah, but you have literally nothing in it.” Susie points out, throwing her hands up. “Why do we have all this decoration and accommodation when we don’t even live here when you have nothing and you do!”
“That is… kinda stupid. Obviously the person who’s there the most should have the best room.” Berdly agrees. “Even if you're trying to steal my Kris-Chan from me.”
“We weren’t kissing!” I screech again.
Everyone walked to my room despite my protests. And they opened the door and all siphoned inside.
“… Oh, I thought when you said ‘literally nothing’ I thought you were being hyperbolic!” Noelle gasps. Seeing that the only things in my room were an Ice-e’s box, a couch cushion on the floor, and the plushie of me on top of it.
“Yeah, it’s that bad.” Susie nods. “Not even a bed.”
“I don’t need a bed, I don’t need to sleep, it’s fine. Really.” I insist.
“Well, beds are homely, and comfortable! And beyond that, there’s literally nothing here to help you just… have fun??? Like, no blankets to snuggle up and relax, no bookshelf to read, you have a fridge in my room I never eat out of and you never ate cake until literally yesterday!!! Do you have any idea how many cakes you’ve made for us?! That’s absurd!” Susie says exasperatedly.
“Yeah, what she said.” Noelle nods.
“W- well, I guess it wouldn’t be… so bad to have stuff I can do from my room.” I nod.
“Then let’s get started!” Susie says cheerfully. “First, I feel like you need new wallpaper. Green is clearly your favorite color, so it’ll be a green, what’s your favorite shade?”
“Like, a light green? Like my robe.” I pull down my robe, showing it off.
“I think that’s actually closer to, like, a neutral green.” Susie points out.
“Idk, I’m bad with colors…” I say, embarrassed.
“Ok, then I feel like you’d like a carpeted floor, maybe… pink? Like your scarf.”
“This is actually a very faded red. But it looks pink, so it doesn’t really matter.” I hold the scarf.
“Ok, so we’re changing the walls and carpet, we also need more furniture. I’m thinking of a reclining chair with a table next to it, as well as a bookshelf. It could be a nice reading corner.” Berdly proposes.
“Yeah, and honestly, I think this room is kinda small. Ralsei, could we expand it?” Noelle asks.
“Well, we could. But you really don’t have to-“
“Shut up, we’re making your room bigger.” Susie insists again.
“Ok.”
“Wow, Susie’s really insistent.” Berdly observes.
“It's taken this long to realize? Aren’t you supposed to be the smart one?” Kris teases.
“Well, I did join the Fun Gang, the side of ignorance.” Berdly says, smirking.
“That is not what I meant when I said it’s ok to be dumb.” Susie sighs.
“Hey, do you think we could install a balcony? Where Ralsei could go out and see Castle town from his room?” Noelle proposes, and Susie nodded.
“That’s a great idea!” She nodded. “Kris, do you want to contribute anything?” Susie asks Kris, punching them in the arm.
“More plushies.” Kris says simply.
“Yeah actually, bet you’d like that a lot wouldn’t you?” Susie asks, before I can respond, she shoves me and Kris out of my room. “Ok, go look for those while we work on decorating your room. Have fun.” She shuts the door behind us.
“Wow, Susie is really subtle.” It laughed.
“What?”
“Nothing, cmon toothpaste boy.” Kris starts walking. I walked after them.
“…” I look down, deciding to push my luck. “Hey, Kris? Decorating my room sounds really fun, wouldn’t you like to close our eyes, and imagine what they’re doing?”
“…” They don’t speak for a bit, I then see Kris’s eyes meet mine. “Twice in a day? What’s the occasion?”
“Nothing, nothing. I just… wanted to talk to you, about…” I left it unsaid, but it’s clear what I mean.
“I don’t know why it’s acting so weird with you lately, I thought it liked you a lot.” Kris says, slight confusion slipping into their voice. “Giving you your first plushie and all.”
“Yeah, I don’t get it either…” I nod. Is it trying to teach me something? That doesn’t make much sense, is it trying to accomplish something? It doesn’t seem to have a single goal, it was just being randomly cruel.
An uncomfortable silence settled between us. Kris clearly wanted to say something. Shifting on their feet and looking at me weirdly.
“What did it mean, earlier? What feelings was it talking about? Why would you want me to…” Kris seems to be putting it together in their mind.
“I- I just… I…” I start, closing my mouth to think. “I don’t know.” I lied.
“… Ralsei, just tell me.” Kris says flatly.
“…” I inhale, hold it in my lungs, then exhale. Feeling the cool air on my lungs. “I like you, I like you a lot. It was threatening to tell everyone I have a stupid selfish crush on you.” I admit, looking away.
“Oh…” Kris looks away as well. Their voice neither confused nor expecting it. “That’s what you were talking about earlier.”
I nod silently.
“I’m sorry that it hurt you, I try my best to stop it but there’s only so much I can refuse its commands.” Kris pats my shoulder.
I sigh, leaning into their hand. “It's fine Kris, I know how you really feel, it doesn’t affect me that much.”
“Do you?” My eyes widen in horror when I hear its voice. Did it… pretend to withdraw? It's never back that quickly. I look over and see its fake smile forcing itself on Kris’s face.
“H- how much of that did you hear?”
“You think you can just take away my bargaining chips by just calmly discussing your feelings?” It doesn’t answer my question, instead pressing me.
“That’s not- I just wanted to make things right with Kris. I didn’t-“
“Shut up.” It commands, and I heed. “You think you understand Kris? Do you? Well, you don’t. I understand Kris, I’ve lived as Kris for the past few days. And you want to know how Kris feels about you?… At best, they feel neutral, completely neutral about you. At worst, they think you’re annoying. And I can’t say I really disagree, you just keep whining and whining and crying. You're so pathetic.”
“I- I try to keep it in, really. It's not my fault you guys keep insisting I should be more open-“
“That’s what I mean, not even an outright negative reaction? You just take it? Such a loser. No backbone at all, you don’t even try to argue.” It began to laugh. “Makes me wonder, do you enjoy me berating you like this?”
“I- I don’t, wh- why-“ Tears build up in my eyes as they continue to talk.
“Makes me wonder why they fight me so much, they must’ve noticed too right? They must find you so grating to be around, so why protect and shield your emotions so much?” It taps its chin. “Because focusing on it, I feel their emotions, somewhere deep down. And even though it tries to care about you, this conversation has brought some well needed catharsis. To finally see you treated like the trash you are.”
“Pl- please stop.” I grip my ears, pulling until I feel pain.
“And I actually think I get it. They want to feel better about themselves. They’re not nice to you because they care about you, they’re nice because they know you’re deeply messed up and want to know they made you better. They don’t actually care, hell, they don’t even like you. Kris fucking hates y-“
“Shut up!” I cut them off, ripping some of the hair from my ears, sobbing harder. “Pl- please… stop…” I say with a broken voice.
“Ha. ‘Doesn’t affect me much’ my ass.” It walks ahead.
We finally get to the first place we expect to get plushies from. I wipe my face and enter. Seam looks up, greeting us.
“Oh, it's you guys? Did you get the last shadow crystal?” Seam said, turning to face us.
“No, we couldn’t find them.” Kris answered.
“Oh, that’s too bad. Well, you always have tomorrow.” Seam chuckled. “So why are you here then?”
“Plushies.” I mutter, wiping my face.
“Hmm… Is something wrong, lonely prince?” Seam asks, a concerned look on their face.
“Just… In my feels today…” I explain, looking down.
“Hmm… Well, I actually do just so happen to have a plush, hopefully it could comfort you. I know how much you like who it’s based on.” Seam gives me a plushie of Kris. “It’ll be free, you are the prince after all.”
“… Does anyone not know?” I sigh, looking up at Seam.
“Lancer maybe. You don’t really try to hide it.” Seam laughs, their button eye spinning,
“Twiddlefingers…” I mutter as we leave.
Next we went to the cafe, where Swatch was. We explained what we wanted and he nodded.
“We actually just made a line of ‘Fun Gang Plushies’. Very popular among the Shadowguys and some other Darkners.” Swatch said, reaching under his counter for something.
“We didn’t agree to having our likeness used…” I mutter.
“We asked Susie and she agreed, she’s your leader, is she not?”
“Kris is our leader.”
“Why does she make all the speeches then?”
“Kris tends to be quiet.”
After that, Swatch gave us plushies of Berdly, Noelle, and Susie. We started going back to my room. I clutch my new plushies close to my chest. The tears began rolling down my face again. When we got outside my room, I was still crying. I tried to wipe it away, tried covering my eyes, but they continued falling even still.
“… Kris, how do I stop crying, they can’t see me like this. How would we explain it?” I wipe my face again.
“Ralsei…” They say quietly.
“Why do I even care, it wasn’t actually you.” I cried into my hands. “I really am pathetic...”
Kris hugged me, and from the way they held me, I could tell they were actively fighting the Soul. “I- I don’t-… I don’t think you're pathetic, or whiny, or annoying. It was lying. Ok? Please don’t listen to it, or believe it, or anything, I do care about you.” They began crying as well.
I hugged them back, hiding my face in their neck. “I’m scared, Kris… When is it gonna stop?…”
They don’t respond.
“D- do… Do I even deserve for it to stop?”
Kris still doesn’t respond. “…”
“… Kris?” I tilt my head.
“…” They continue not responding.
“Kris, answer me.”
“You don’t deserve anyth-“ Kris bit their arm to cut the Soul’s words off, and I felt their blood splatter on my face.
“Kris!” I pull back. “Oh, god.” I look at their arm wound. “St- stay still.” A green orb appears in my hand, and I put it on Kris’s arm. Healing the bleeding. “Wh- what was that?”
“Being… an asshole…” They say, pulling away. “We should really go inside now.”
I nod, wiping the rest of my tears away. I then feel my face heat up a million degrees when I feel another hand against it. I open my eyes and see Kris gently wiping the tears from my face.
“Kris…” I leaned into their hand, smiling. “Thank you.”
“Eww, stop being so gay.” Kris chuckles, taking their hand away.
“What? Kris, we were having a moment!” I complained.
“Sounds gay to me.” Kris teases more, making me laugh. The tears stop falling and I smile genuinely, out of my negative thoughts.
“Ok, I’m done.” I get the last tear and push open the door.
We both went inside. I look around my new room… It amazes me how much of a change they made from the emptiness prior. I see I have a bed, and a nightlight next to it. The carpet is really soft, so soft I could lay down and just feel it and be content. The wall is the same shade as my robe but a bit lighter. There’s a nice chair and bookshelf next to it. On the chair was a big blanket to wrap myself up like a burrito.
“Oh, you guys are finally back? Took you long enough, what were you doing???” Susie looked over at us as we entered.
“Just… talking.” I reply, not exactly lying, just leaving the everything out.
“Weirdos.” Susie chuckles. “Anyways, do you guys think we’re done?” She asks the others.
“All it takes is the plushies and we’re all done!” Berdly exclaims.
Kris and I distributed the new plushies around. A few on my bed, a few in corners, one on a table, and then we were done.
“And that’s all! What do you think, Ralsei?” Susie asks.
I look around, really look around. I think about all the work that must’ve gone into my room to make it like this. The different items I can use to relax, or to rest. I observe how despite being noticeably larger, the room felt 100 times less empty. I went onto the balcony, and took in the beautiful sight of castle town, my once empty kingdom now filled with life.
I went back inside, feeling the carpet on my feet, seeing the walls now splashed with colors, and observing the empty space now filled with items. They made it look so warm, so homely, and so… me. I wipe my eyes, tearing up again but for an entirely different reason.
“Thanks guys, you really didn’t need to.”
“Of course we did.” Susie says, punching me in the arm affectionately. “And we’re not even done! We should come back every day and put even more stuff up, right guys?”
Noelle and Berdly nod, Kris makes a thumbs up.
“You guys are too kind…” I hug both Kris and Susie.
“Dork….” Susie pats my back. “… Well? Aren’t you guys gonna join?”
“Oh, yeah.” Noelle joins the hug.
“Well, everyone else is.” Berdly joins the hug aswell
I pull back. “So what now?”
“Well, I don’t actually know now. What do you guys want to do? We still have a few more hours before we have to go home.” Susie scratches her head.
Kris inhales, I assume that the soul selected a vague option and Kris is now able to just speak their mind. “Break up with Berdly break up with Berdly break up with Berdly break up with Berdly break up with Berdly break up with Berdly break up with Berdly break up with Berdly.”
“… Oh.” Berdly looks confused. “Why’d you have to say it so many times?”
“Jeez Kris, was that necessary? Could’ve been nicer about it…” Noelle says, looking over at Kris.
“Ok, but like, what do you guys actually want to do?” Susie asks again, ignoring what just happened.
After that, we did several things around Castle Town, talked to Darkners, fought in the dojo, played minigames, and talked some more. Then, finally, time dipped into the later hours. And it was time to leave. First Noelle for her curfew, and then Berdly because he needed to eat his moms ‘epic gamer cooking’. This left me alone with Susie and Kris, just like old times.
“Yuh know what, now’s about time Kris’s mom always makes pie, so I’m also leaving. Don’t suck each other’s faces off while I’m gone.” She teases, leaving.
“We weren’t kissing!!!” I yell one last time as she enters the light to the lightworld. This left me all alone with Kris, just like really old times. “So, are you gonna leave soon, Kris?”
“… Eh. My mom’s used to me disappearing for a while, it’ll be fine.” They begin walking back to the castle, I walk after them. “Do you want to keep reading Blood Meridian?”
“Oh, sure. We did leave off at an intriguing part.” I nod cheerfully. “So, why’d you break up with Berdly? I thought you ‘kinda liked him’.”
“He’s… tolerable. But toleration isn’t really good groundwork for a functional romantic relationship.” They explain, walking after me as I get to my room. “Also, the Soul doesn’t even seem… angry? I think maybe whatever they made me date Berdly for is useless now…”
I scratch the back of my head. “Huh, umm, nothing else that caused it?”
“Yes, it was also because of you.” They immediately guessed I was fishing for some form of reassurance, and they gave it to me.
I simply smiled, I wrapped myself in the blanket on the chair and picked up my book. “Do you want to read it or should I?”
“You read last time, let me do it.” They take the book from my hand, going to the page I left off and beginning to read. The descriptions of violence captivate me and I pay extra special attention due to the reader themselves.
“Yuh know, this is the most I’ve ever heard you talk, that’s kinda weird.” I say, staring at their moving mouth.
“Well, I can only really speak when the Soul either relinquishes control, or it directly prompts me… And it doesn’t really relinquish much…” The stop reading to talk to me, looking back at me. “Also, stop staring at my mouth, I’m not gonna kiss you.”
“It’s just easier to pay attention to what you're saying! It’s like a weird brain thing. I’m not weird…” I defend myself, playing with my hands.
“Yeah, I know.” Kris chuckles to themselves.
“You know, you're kinda mean when it’s just you.” I say, pretending to be more angry than I was.
“You like it.” They respond simply.
“No I… don’t…” I lied.
“Mmhmm.” Kris nods.
“Why did they relinquish now then?” I ask, changing the subject. “I mean, it’s just us alone again. Now’s a great time to torture me.”
“…” Kris thinks to themselves. “I don’t actually… know. I don’t understand most things about it. It just kinda withdraws more at night.”
“Freaky…” I think more, then look over at them. “And why can’t I see your eyes whenever it’s in control? That seems like such a strange thing that always changes.”
“Maybe… Maybe because it’s not me? ‘Window to the soul’ and all.”
“Well then wouldn’t I see them when it’s in control?” I say, chuckling.
Kris thinks to themselves for a few moments. Then they start laughing hysterically. I got a very disturbed look on my face, I had never seen them so… animated.
“What? Am I not allowed to be joyous?”
“It was not that funny!” I throw my hands up.
“It was to me.” Kris looks back at the book, ignoring my weird looks.
We continued reading together, switching back and forth every once in a while. After about an hour, I finally looked over to Kris.
“If you don’t hate me, what do you feel?” I ask the question on my mind. Finally taking initiative.
“…” They sigh, looking over at me, a tired look in their eyes. “I do… like you, the way you like me.”
My eyes light up, smiling widely at Kris. “W- wait really? Y- you do?”
“Did you think I didn’t?” They tilt their head, a small smile on their face.
“K- kinda. B- but you actually like me?”
“Yeah…” They shift, looking away from me. “But…”
My face falls. “B- but?”
“We just… can’t for now… I do want to give you what you want, but I also don’t want to give it any more opportunities to hurt you…” They look more at me. “You can understand that, right?”
I sigh, looking down. “I get it, if we get any closer it has even more to use against me.”
They nod. “I don’t want it to interrupt a moment we have by berating you again, or even worse, try to do something to you. I would love to have a relationship with you but… there’s too much risk.”
I look further down, beginning to tear up. “N- no, it’s fine. I- I don’t even deserve a relationship in the first place. I’m a D- Darkner-“
“Shut up and listen to me.” Kris interrupted me. “I don’t just want to make you happy, I want to make myself happy. And I know you would do that.”
“… I- I… I don’t-“ I stutter, but Kris puts a finger to my mouth.
“Stop putting yourself down, please… For me?…” No words are exchanged for a few second, I don’t even know how to respond. Kris cups my cheek, rubbing their thumb up and down. “Look, when this is finally over. No more prophecy, no more knight, and when the soul is finally gone… I want to try this, ok?”
“… You should probably go home…” I say quietly.
They nod in response. “Just… know that you deserve this, ok?” They kiss my forehead, walking out of the room.
“…” I feel my forehead, squealing to myself. “Oh my angel oh my angel oh my angel oh my angel oh my angel oh my angel oh my angel.” I say repeatedly to myself, kicking my feet.
I collapse onto my bed, looking at the ceiling.
“… I can’t wait for tomorrow…” I say, drifting off to sleep.