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You finally realize that Tony Stark is the Wizard of Oz. The man behind the curtain. The self-styled legend before it. He's a conman, a showman, a liar with an incredible mind. He'll show you all the wonder you can stand, and then invent something even more wondrous. He'll promise you a home, but everyday it feels like he's about to board that hot air balloon and ride off without you.
…
You're sparring one day when he looks at your mouth. It's just a second, a glance down with his tongue slipping out to lick his lips. He tries to distract you with news about better armor, new mail for your costume, but all you can think about is the hunger you felt, the disappointment when he didn't follow through.
What are you thinking? A relationship with Tony would end in disaster. Neither of you have a track record of anything but train wrecks and betrayal. He's loud and brash and loves at least some of the lime light. You're quiet and too blunt to enjoy any attention from the press. That would never work.
You catch up to him in the hallway after you're both showered. He smiles when you put an arm around his shoulders and ask if he wants to grab lunch.
Why do you run straight to relationship?
Why don't you just see where his sly smile takes you?
…
Tony's warm and heavy in his sleep. He always smells a little like metal shavings and machine oil - no matter how expensive his other cologne. You snuggle closer and trace your fingers over the bare skin of his back, still loose and sated.
Did you really think this could be casual for you? He woke you up from the ice. The Avengers brought you back to New York, but Tony gave you a home - built you a family.
He doesn't have powers or training. He never had to be a hero.
He built his Armor. He made himself a hero. He pretended for years it was someone else in the armor because he didn’t believe Tony Stark was worthy of being an Avenger - despite being the man in the armor who fought beside them, for them, every time they needed him.
You know all that. You loved the man in the metal suit, but you were afraid for him. What made him so afraid to share his name, his face? Was he in some kind of trouble? Why wouldn't he let you help? You respected him, his privacy, but you prayed every night for God to keep him safe from whatever made him so scared.
You also learned to love the wild, handsome benefactor of the team, but you were afraid of him. Tony Stark - genius inventor and billionaire always ran straight at the horizon. On his way to the future and nothing slowed him down. He was the living embodiment of the future, an era summed up in flesh, and you always felt so slow and dumb next to him. You were always so afraid of the day he got tired of playing catch-you-up with a fossil from a long gone war. You woke every morning, wondering what incredible new thing he'd made in the dark, what new world you'd be waking up to.
When you found out they were the same man, you were happy. You were relieved. No more being half gone over two men at the same time. No more being afraid he was in some trouble you couldn't fix or that he was ever going to leave. Tony - Iron man - couldn't leave the Avengers, wouldn't. It wasn't a job. It wasn't a thrill. He was an Avenger because he wanted to atone for his past. He needed to be an Avenger - the same as you.
You knew then that he'd never leave. That amazing man full of demons who never, ever stayed down. No matter what hit him, no matter what the damage, he kept getting back up. He kept trying to help - even when he was terribly, horribly wrong.
Did you think you could just roll in the sheets with him and not finish falling in love?
He doesn't have powers or training. He never had to be a hero.
He built his Armor. He made himself a hero. He pretended for years it was someone else in the armor because he didn’t believe Tony Stark was worthy of being an Avenger - despite being the man in the armor who fought beside them, for them, every time they needed him.
You know all that.
Worse, you know he doesn't see any of it. He'll never see himself as anything but an alcoholic former weapons maker with blood on his hands. You hurt for him - like you always have.
"Oh Tony," you whisper in the dark. He's too deeply asleep to stir, and you don't want to wake him. You kiss the side of his head you can reach and close your eyes.
This won't be casual. It won't be easy, but if nearly every night you get to fall asleep with him in safe your arms, maybe it would be worth it.
…
Three years after your first night falling asleep with Tony, you woke up on a table. That was days ago. You're on your feet now, following the others because a man with a broken heart can't really lead.
Coming back from the dead should hurt more, but nothing can hurt past the ache of hearing it:
Tony Stark killed himself.
You know it's all your fault now. You weren't wrong to oppose Registration, but you couldn't have picked a worse way to oppose it.
You couldn't ignore the call of the Oath you've taken. Not the one for the army or anything you ever spoke aloud. This was the Oath you made sweaty and bloody on the streets of New York every time the Avengers saved the city - the world. You will always try to do what you believe is right. You won't always succeed, but you will never willfully abandon principle for popularity.
But you can't punch your way out of every problem. You know that. You know it. Isn't this exactly what happened in the Armor Wars? You told Tony he couldn't just ignore the law - that he had to fight this the right way, but this time, you're the one who wouldn't listen.
You didn't listen to him. You betrayed him when he came to you in trust to talk. When did you start hitting people who came to talk?
Tony Stark killed himself. You keep hearing it over and over again in your head, but you still can't make sense of it.
That's not the whole story. They told you about his damned plan to wipe his brain with Extremis. You wish for the billionth time that it was a flesh and blood villain so you could break every bone in its body for everything that "enhancile" has stolen from you.
You stare down at his sleeping body. You hear the beeping machine keeping time with his heart. You remember the last time you fought him. You remember nearly killing him with your shield. Bucky's offered it back, but you don’t want to touch it. You almost murdered him with it.
When you first work up again, you thought you'd both have a second chance, but you can't process the moment you see him sleeping in that bed.
When he opens his eyes, who will he be?
Not yours. Certainly. He hasn't been that for more than a year, but what else? Will he be IronMan still? Will he remember nothing or everything or just bits and pieces of his life? Can he still be a hero without his guilt to drive him? Will he wake up at all?
No one knows the answers to the questions you won't ask.
Why didn't you try harder to convince him to come with you? Why didn't you ask him to come? He never could say no to you, not when you asked and put your arms around him. He'd have followed you. You could have used his love for you to keep him with you. Used it and kept him safe. Why didn't you?
Was it pride? Yeah, you know it was. You wanted him to choose to follow you. You wanted him to be as outraged by their law as you were. Why wasn't he? Why couldn't he see that this time following the letter of the law meant destroying its spirit? Nothing was worth that.
He's still sleeping, and you've got to go. Osborn is tearing the world apart. You have to go. You have to keep fighting because Tony was right about one thing: without him in charge of it, Registration was ten times worse.
You rush over and kiss him once, quick and dry. You only meant to do it one more time.
Your lips are on his, and it hurts like a bomb exploding in your chest. You kiss him again and touch his soft hair. You love him. You love him so much - no matter what's happened. No matter what sides you were on. You love him and you always will.
You walk out fast and get your composure in check. You've got people to wrangle and a war to win. Maybe he'll wake up and somehow know who he is. Maybe he'll show up in his armor during a fight, laugh over the comms, kiss you when you win, and things will be like they should be.
Maybe he'll never wake up.
You stop walking and drop to you knees because he might never wake up, and it's all your fault.
You've lost everything all over again, and now Tony's left you - flown away like the Wizard in his hot air balloon.
You click your heels, but it's no use. There's no going home.