Work Text:
He was back at the zen garden, the night of the New Years. The heist into the mansion to get information was almost packed up, they were leaving the place now. He should be over this by now. Why was here again? He could smell the scents of the night air as he took a breath through his nostrils. It was chilly, making him wish to get back home soon.
Raphael gulped as he looked around himself, seeing Mikey and Angel in the distance with Splinter, Leo was somewhere else. Ah, he found them, perched on the balcony. So he found everyone. Like it was that night.
He turned his attention to his baby brother with a stern gaze. “Listen Mikey, don’t fo-” he stopped as he felt Mikey go through him. Was he a ghost? He felt a chill in his bones after that as Mikey had ignored him at the same time. Didn’t they hear him?
If… he was a ghost and not really there…
Oh no..
His eyes widened at the revelation as he turned towards the shrine. He needs to get there before it’s too late! He has to!
When he finally arrived, he saw himself standing there, frozen like a statue, right in front of.. him.
But before he could warn his copy to dodge or even to get the weapons out, next thing he saw was the metal armored.. demon running towards his copy.
The words got stuck on his throat as he saw how his shadow copy had opened its mouth, trying to scream but nothing came out, metal claws sticking from its back. Till the copy went limp, disappearing from sight, melting into the ground, leaving him with that demon.
Raph wanted to take a step back, feeling that something was off. He looked down on his plastron, seeing those stabwounds on him, seeing how his own blood was trickling down on them, feeling the same happen on his carapace.
He felt sick. He wanted to run. He didn’t want to go over this again! This is a nightmare!
While looking down on himself he felt eyes on him, his skin crawled as his blood turned ice. He knew this feeling. Like he was hunted once more. He felt powerless.
He hated that feeling. Truly.
Daring to look up, he saw those cold eyes on him, pushing him down and making him feel weak. He took a step back as the demon took one step forward, the bloodied weapon ready.
Wake up. Wake up, WAKE UP! He wanted to yell, shielding his face as he saw the demon approach him fast as the metal shone, reaching to touch his-
–--
Raph gasped as he opened his eyes in shock staring right ahead of him towards the ceiling. Whole body shaking, heart beating against his plastron. His gaze traveled around himself to take in the room where he was.
He was in the farmhouse, he was in the shared bedroom with his siblings.
He was safe. This place wasn’t home though… They had to leave the lair for some reason.
Why didn't he feel like he was safe? This was away from the city so he should feel safe, right?
He didn’t know why they had to leave. No one had told him anything about that night. How did Donny’s team or April and Casey do in their missions that night…
His siblings were there though, he could hear them breathing and moving in their own nests. They were safe as well. Mikey had the same injury as him but… He could heal his baby brother while here… If he was given a chance. He felt like they weren’t talking to each other anyways. They all were avoiding each other like it would burn them to spend time with one of the siblings… Raph wanted to help… He wanted his siblings with him. They were! But…
But… Still he felt like he was alone…
Wiping his eyes from the tears to his wrist, he sat up, feeling his blanket slide off from him. He needed to get up and distract himself. He had a long day behind him too, meeting the birds, collecting herbs with Mona… All the good things… Even laughing more than usual after the last mission…
… Why did he feel like it was wrong? Nibbling his inner cheek, his hand trailed over his plastron. Feeling the bandages on him like they were burning.
It wasn’t only a nightmare. It truly happened. He was stabbed by that monster. And he couldn’t fight back. What a tank he was.
With a sigh, he shuffled out from the warm nest. He couldn’t sleep either way so why not stay up the night again. As if someone would notice it.
They don’t need to worry about him when there’s more pressing matters. He needed to make sure his family was healed, that’s his priority. His needs come last.
As he stood beside his bed, he eyed his red, worn hoodie. He could take it, but at the same time… he doubted no one was up at this hour so he ignored that piece of clothing and took his comfort blanket with him. The blanket that had seen it all, from his nightmares as a tot to this day when he sometimes dried tears on it.
It was old but served him well still, making him feel comfortable whenever he felt it between his fingertips or just on his shoulders, shielding him from the world. It had lost some color and edges of the blanket were worn, loose yarn poking out what he had fixed along the years. He loved that blanket. It was his second shell to hide from the bad. He carried it around only when he was upset, everyone knew it.
Shaking his head he made his way out of the bedroom, making sure not to wake anyone up at this hour. They all need their rest.
He needed rest too but that was unrelated.
Closing the door after himself as silently as he could, he waited for a bit. After he was sure no one was awake he made his way towards the stairs, hand shooting out to rest against the wall to guide him while keeping his blanket in his tight grip. Maybe some cocoa would make him sleepy enough to knock him out.. Worth a try.
The house was dark, no one was awake, at least that’s what the turtle teen hoped till heard soft hum come from the dark kitchen.
Was his dad up again? Second night in a row?
Knitting his eye ridges together he flipped the blanket over his shoulders like a cape, hand moving to locate the light switch to turn it on. “Pops, you should sleep at least one night.” He huffed, covering his eyes from the bright light when the kitchen lights flicked on.
The noise caught him off guard when he didn’t hear his father’s voice. But he heard someone younger, older than him but not as old as the rat. He went face to face with his friend, Casey as he opened his eyes once more, getting used to bright lights.
“Euagh, I really hope I don’t look that old. Or hairy.” Casey winced out loud, squinting towards the striped turtle who dared to turn the lights on.
“Ah.. it’s you.” The turtle gave the human an apologetic smile. “Well.. You have a long way to go unless ya grow a beard.” he remarked what made Casey scoff lightheartedly.
“Yeah well I might get there someday. At the rate of three new hairs per month.. I’ll have a full beard by.. 2065?”
Raph could only snort at that, walking inside to sit down to the closest chairs around the dining table. Blanket wrapped around his shoulders still, dressed up in his usual grey cargo pants, only this time around he didn’t have his belts and chains on his waist. He didn’t think he would have needed to dress up properly, he thought he was going to be alone tonight.
Well, Casey is here with him. He could feel Casey’s eyes moving up and down so he cleared his throat. “What are ya even up at this hour?”
“Kinda forgot to have dinner. Just heating up some for me and my nightmare sleeping schedule. By the way, nice outfit. The shirtless Superman is in this year.”
The turtle could only roll his eyes with a shake of his head. “Couldn’t bother to dress up properly. Didn’t think anyone was up this late. You did look like a mess earlier, sawing logs the last time I knew what you were up to.” he mused, resting chin on one of his hands, elbows planted on the table.
“Hey, I do not snore that loud. You just have crazy turtle ears.” They huffed, moving to turn off the beeping microwave so it won’t beep longer and took out the warmed up pizza slices from it. The scent of warm pizza surrounded the whole kitchen, making Raph’s stomach rumble a bit.
Ah… Right he did skip the pizza earlier to go out with Mona, to check on the ducks and chickens. And to collect herbs! The most important thing.
The younger of the two looked immediately away from the adult, but without a doubt, or adult intuition, Casey laid the plate in front of his beak. “Take a slice, I’m not gonna eat 'em both.” they said, which made Raph look straight at the slices. Pepperoni pizza, one of those pizzas that he liked to eat, even felt his mouth water at the thought of sinking his teeth on it. But only gave a thick gulp and looked away. “I.. Are you sure? You did say you skipped dinner..”
“... Bro.” Casey sighed as they looked straight at the turtle with ‘You are not fooling me’-look. “Have you ever seen those Youtube videos of really trained dogs and the guy puts a steak on their snout but they don’t eat it because they know they’re not supposed to? And they kind of look like they’re gonna explode? That’s you right now. Eat.” he added, taking one of the slices off from the plate to bite on it.
That comparison made his beak scrunch up. Did they just call him a dog? First on the same day they called him a kid, now a dog.
Woof to you too, Case.
He grumbled in his mind as he lifted to look at the human once again. They seemed to have trouble with the pizza, eating it at a slower pace than usual.
“Did you just call me a dog?”
“Nah, dog would’ve eaten pizza by now.” he saw the human grin at him. Mocking him.
To prove that he wasn’t a dog, he took that second slice from the plate and bite into it. Feeling the flavors fill his mouth and hear his stomach grumble, making him flustered about it. He looked away from them, nibbling it and felt his tongue burn. “‘m not a dog.” he mumbled under his breath.
“I know, you are a big tough turtle.” they remark, mouth full of hot pizza that could even make someone else get worried about his wellbeing, since the pizza was too hot to eat fast.
“You know it.” Raph agreed, still nibbling his slice, the pizza filling his empty stomach. Almost making him rumble with happiness.
Wait he did rumble! His pride!
He dared to take a look at his friend, seeing them ignoring what just happened. Maybe they didn’t hear him. That’s good, his pride was damaged already from earlier.
“How awake are you?” the striped teen heard the black haired human ask, hesitantly, he could even hear guilt in their voice.
“Wake enough to chat. What’s up?”
“I tried to kill Okamura.”
That made Raphael freeze. Wait… Casey tried to do what?! Kill someone!? The Casey Jones, the hockey masked vigilante!
“You… tried to what?” he asked, sinking the info in. He wasn’t mad… He was more or less confused. He laid the pizza down onto the plate, facing his friend. “When.. How.. What?”
He saw how Casey shut his eyes tight, ignoring his own pizza slice as well. “So, uh. I was a waiter. At the party. And I thought, hey, maybe I could get close enough to… uh… poison him?” he started, opening one eye to look straight at the turtle, as if gauging his reactions. “It didn’t work! I don’t know if I was just naturally suspicious, but he didn’t bite! So! There’s no harm, is what I thought.”
Raph on the other hand stared right at them. The pizza in his stomach weighing him down. He had lost his appetite. This news shocked him so much.
He could have lost his friend. But here Casey was.. Telling him something so… serious…
"This.. happened in the last mission, yes? You tried to poison him... but you didn't get close.. but.. what you thought? There's more to this?" he questioned after being silent for a couple of minutes, collecting his thoughts.
”Well, it’s possible that I only had half of the plan? Because it wasn’t a super fast acting poison, it would’ve killed him eventually but like, any rich asshole would’ve just gone to the hospital before it could kick in. So in the other half… after the poison got him away from the party, Splinter was… kind of… waiting upstairs to kill him while he was off kilter?” their voice tilts up like it’s a question.
After Casey had finished their talk, Raph's eye ridges were furrowed deeply. So... If Casey was doing that and mentioned his father.. wait.. Splinter? "You worked with Pops?" he asked. "You two made a secret plan, was the reason why he disappeared from us from the very beginning before we got surprised by the Guardians? Without him saying anything?"
”Hey, he was planning to go all murder-happy first, all I did was offer to help and. Not tell you guys.”
"Then... why are you telling me this?" he questioned, looking straight up towards Casey. "Am... I the first one who knows this?"
”April knows. Now. But she didn’t have any part of it. You deserve to know why he really wanted to go.”
"That.. explains why Pops was gone and when I saw him again he had.. a certain feeling on him that I couldn't figure out…" he mumbled, fiddling the corner of his blanket between his fingers. He couldn't eat anymore, he was not sure what to think anymore about this. "I...."
“I’m sorry. I should’ve told you, you should’ve been involved. I just… I thought I could spare you the guilt. If you didn’t know, it wasn’t on your conscience. But that was when I thought we were after a human dude and not… whatever immortal demon nonsense we’re actually dealing with.” The human said with a tone what made Raph face him properly, right into their eyes, that even the teen could see how the adult’s brow was heavy with regret.
He took a breath, giving him a slight nod. "I know... Uh.. that Tincan took us off guard as well.." he trailed off, the other hand moving to the bandages on his middle. "I'm just glad you are in one piece.. and not got caught by him or getting yourself in trouble... right?" he questioned, memories of his nightmare coming back to him. How he saw himself getting stabbed again, how those cold eyes turned to him. Making him feel..
Weak. A small bug in front of a fly swatter. A prey for hungry predator. Someone who could snap him in half if they wanted to without a sweat.
He was a weakling. And he claimed to be a shield of the family. The tank, who protects his loved ones.
Ridiculous.
”Yeah. It was a close call.” The turtle heard Casey admit, pulling him away from his thoughts. “I just wish I could’ve stopped you guys from getting hurt. I wanted to do more than run.”
He gave a nod again. "You couldn't have done anything about... well.. this.. And, thanks for telling me all this, I guess it's hard for you to talk about it." He looked down at his own lap. "The fact is.. that we are even hurt is because of me. You could have done nothing other than have the same fate like Angel had, you would be in the hospital right now if you were there or in the worst case, six feet under the ground!" his voice raised slightly, silencing himself almost immediately as he remembered that it was the middle of the night.
”you…. stabbed yourself? Straight through the shell? Twice?” Casey pretended to be shocked. “That’s pretty dumb.”
The teen laughed dryly. "Not exactly.. but still.. if you were there, Case... I would have lost you.." turning up to look at them again, his eyes burning with almost escaping tears. He couldn't imagine the world without one of the people he looked up to. He just couldn't, opening his mouth as he wanted to add something but the words were stuck on his throat. "We would have lost you, Onii-chan..." he said finally.
”Hey, hey, nobody’s losing anybody,” they say in the gentlest voice they have. “I got out. April got out. We got you out. Everybody’s alive, okay? We’re gonna keep it that way. You and me.” His dark eyes press into Raph, trying to pour as much sincerity as possible into the statement. “I’m not going anywhere. I promise.” he added.
Raph could feel a single tear fall down on his cheek. "I-I know.. I'm.. just glad everyone is alive... I don't know about Angel but people in this house..." he let out a soft sob, his pride already thrown through the window by Mona, then why not show these with someone else as well, they won't tell about this to anyone, at least he hoped.
“Oh, hey, it’s- it’s okay.” Casey floundered, hand tangling into his dark hair. With a sigh, he stood up, making his way beside Raph and rested hand on his shell. “Angel’s gonna be fine. We’re safe. You, Splinter and Mike are all gonna, um, you’ll heal. And when it’s safe we’re gonna go home, okay?” he soothed, leaning down to be face level with Raph.
“Mm…” Raph mumbled, nodding as he felt Casey drape against his shell, subconsciously leaning against them. Shielding him from everything, which was comforting. He was still confused but Casey’s presence was enough.
“It’s okay,” he begins softly. “It’s okay to cry. Totally normal. You’ve been through a lot. You can let it out. I’m here.” The younger one heard the soft whisper.
There was so much in his head, things he knew and didn't know. It had been building up a lot and now he felt that pour out as tears, pooling in his eyes. Great, he felt weak right now. Why did he do this? The roles should be reversed in this!
He couldn't form words, only leaning towards his friend, soaking that comfort at least once. He felt so.. young at this moment and it was confusing him. "... Nii-chan..." he whispered under his breath as if he could get at least that word out.
Soft circles were rubbed against his shell. Was Casey doing them? Highly possible. It felt nice, he liked those. Made him feel safe.
“You’ve been a real brave little brother. You don’t have to be brave all the time. Let me be brave enough for both of us. We’re a team, right? Team members lean on each other. Lean on me.”
Lean on Casey? Raph thought, closing his eyes as he leaned more to his new big brother. Why did he say that twice now? He did see Casey as his big brother, he should be able to lean on them in times like this.. right? But when he called him brave... It made Raph's heart warm up. He kept Casey important in his life, like other friends they had made in the past months.
That brave facade he had no sweat to keep up is slipping more, soft sob bubbling from his throat. "'m .. sorry.." he mumbled, hands gripping tightly the blanket he was wearing, finding it hard to talk. Why was he pouring his heart out?! He shouldn't do this! There's more important things to worry about! Like Casey's honesty and the fact they told him something that not many knew!
”hey… you got nothin’ to apologize for. What happened out there wasn’t your fault. You got ambushed. Happens to everybody. You guys fought a monster and survived. That’s all that matters. The only one to blame is him.”
Raph could only nod as he leaned more into that comforting warmth. Soft rumble escaping his throat. His mind was screaming at him. Second person in a day who had heard his happy rumbles, what is going on!? He feels safe with his friends enough to rumble.. purr?
Warm. Safe. Casey is safety. He was going to be okay. Everyone was safe. Even if they got ambushed, they are all here…
Why did he feel like he didn't deserve this?
The pressure that Casey provided, grounded the turtle, making him push that voice down and lock it away for a later date. “I know… I’m.. glad yer safe, big brother..” he whispered under his breath, that being like a hard task.
“I’m glad you’re safe too,” they smile and rub the top of Raph’s head. “You should try and get some sleep while it’s dark. I’ll keep watch for a bit.”
He shook his head slightly, opening his eyes to look up at them with a sad look on his face. "Not really tired.." he deflected. "Unless... uh.." he trailed off, grumbling at the pets, not used to getting this kind of attention but soaks it in like a sponge.
“well, if both of us are set on ruining our sleep schedule, we could always see what’s on tv? Pretty sure the couch is open anyway, they won’t mind if we keep it quiet.” they stand, nodding towards the living room.
The moment when Casey stood up, it left a cold spot on Raph’s shell. He wanted to cry out ‘do not leave me’ but pushed those deep down. It would make him more kid than he wanted. But his attention did perk up about the fact he could spend more time with his friend, now big brother. Count him in!
He would rather be with someone now… He had his siblings, yes… But… It felt like there was something between them all… It can be cut with a knife as well… It was suffocating him.
"Can I choose what we watch then?" he asked, turning his gaze towards the now cold pizza slice in front of him. He should eat too... he knew Casey would want that, and he needs his strength as well. But hanging out with his new titled big brother tempted him... He wanted to feel that safety again at least once more before they can imagine that never happened.
”Dude, one time I was home sick from school and watched the jewelry advertisement channel for six hours. I am not picky.” They scoop up the leftover pizza just in case either of them get hungry, then flop down on the couch. He keeps an open posture, and gestures for Raph to settle next to him.
Raph shuffled right behind them, blanket on his hands. Taking a moment to let Casey settle in, the turtle climbed beside them. Settling himself close to his human friend as possible. He could shift away from them but part of him didn't want to move anymore, call him softie, a kid even. Somehow this felt comforting to him, maybe the bad dreams would stay away now. His mind is still going over the things that Casey told... He sure was glad the vigilante was here with them.
"Mm.. is there any of those Pops romance shows on?" He questioned out loud, laying the blanket over them both as far as it reached. "If.. that's fine with you? Don't tell anyone I asked for those or I will call you Monkey again." He added, trying to act tough again after whatever happened in the kitchen... while his face had drying tear-streaks on his cheeks. His words didn't have that bite anymore, seeming like an empty thread.
They snort at the threatened name calling then start flipping through channels, letting turtle snuggle as far into him as he’d like. He settles on a Spanish channel airing some old episodes of something or other and pops on the subtitles. The house is comfortably warm, especially under the blanket.
“Comfy? Turtle-who-in-keeping-myself-alive-I-will-not-call-Leprechaun?” The vigilante yawned.
Raph huffed at the nickname but still snuggled close to them, head pressed on their shoulder, while being careful with his own injuries.
"Mm... warm and comfy.. safe.." He mumbled, eyes glued to the tv screen. After hearing Casey's yawn, he subconsciously yawned as well, hiding his beak to his hands to hide the yawn. He couldn't be tired yet.. but.. safety.. "Can.. I ask for one thing?" he asked after it, glancing towards Casey till back at the show which caught his attention.
“Sure, go for it.” Casey said after clearing his throat.
He fiddled with the side of the blanket for a minute or two, trying to find the right way to ask about this. How would he even ask? "Can you promise to keep on living? Not only for us but..." he trailed off, clicking his tongue to focus before he continued. "For yourself too? I don't want to lose you, big bro or.. anyone else in that matter.."
After he had gotten those words out, he could feel his eyes burn once again. Why was he so highly emotional this late in the night?! What was wrong with him?! He kicked himself in his mind, in real life he avoided looking towards Casey, in case he would cry once more, as if the human hadn't seen it already.
The medic didn’t notice that Casey had been facing the tv screen, not daring to look at him. After a moment, they opened their mouth. “I- I’m not sure I can promise that, bud. I don’t think any of us can. That’s the tough thing about being alive. Nobody knows how long it’s gonna last.”
Raph frowned at that. He didn't like that fact at all so without thinking he looked up at them with a determined look on his face, even if the tears had started to roll down on his cheeks once more.
"Then let me support you. Keep you alive, as long as I'm living, no one is dying on my watch." he declared. "I'm this family's medic, I'll make sure your sorry shell is alive a long time."
“We’ll compromise then. I’ll keep your sorry shell alive, and you can keep my sorry-er human flesh torso alive. Sounds fair?” Casey countered, eyes on the turtle, looking contemplating while at it.
So what Raph did next was that he lifted himself up from Casey's side, staring right at them as he thought what to say next. The words were stuck on his throat which meant only one thing he could do to seal the deal.
The turtle leaned up to bump his head against the human's, forehead against Casey's messed up hair till he snuggled back against their side, giving a confirming nod if the human didn't understand the body language that his dad had shown them, and them showing to each other along the years. The way to show love and acceptance, like his dad had shown him as far as he can remember.
"Fair." he grunted out, pulling his legs onto the couch to curl up against his friend, being mindful of his cracked plastron to not crack it more while it's healing. He turned his eyes on the slices that Casey had taken with him, taking his own nibbled one from the plate and started to munch. He needed to collect strength if he wants to keep his own part of the promise for his friend.
While the teen were eating once more, the human leaned back against the couch. The soft noises of the tv filling the air as Casey let himself drift off to sleep, soft snores catching Raph’s attention.
After he had finished off the slice, the medic noted that his friend had fallen asleep already. Glancing towards the tv, he turned it off for the night, turning the room dark once more and snuggled up close to them, resting head on their chest. He pulled the blanket more over them after so much moving and decided to rest his eyes for a bit. It won't be bad to spend the night here, safe with someone else, he thought, one arm draping over his friend to keep them close as he lost himself to a dreamland, one night free from nightmares.
That was something he needed. To feel loved and safe.
He wanted the same for his siblings.