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Johnny didn't clear his room during the aftermath. Days, weeks, and even months that had passed him by. His notes of Shalla-bal's language neatly disorganized on the floor of his room, the ones taped on his window still untouched, not even Herbie attempted to remove it when it was the scheduled time for the robot's daily cleaning.
He could still feel it. Her.
And not in the way a lover's cradle of one's cheek still fleets on his skin, nor in the manner a laughter is shared and their voices were one in that single moment. No.
His body keeps the score of Shalla-bal winning in their not-so game of sacrifice. When he said his final goodbyes to Franklin, his nephew, the new ball of sunshine in their family, why is it that he felt his own sunshine died as he watches Shalla-bal vanish with the Devourer? Essential as the stars, she once said, but nothing felt quite right with Johnny anymore after she chose to spare his world, his family, him.
Sometimes, in the darkest corner of his mind where the light of his family couldn't even reach, he thinks if he pushed her away. He feels crazy just thinking about it. He's offered to sacrifice himself twice for the one his sister longed to have the most, not even the thought of regret or guilt forms in his body but it aches. He aches for her.
He aches that if he had not guilt-tripped her with those voice records, with the statements covered in pure intent of protecting his family just like she did when she offered herself to spare her world, he might've still had her.
But wouldn't that mean he'd be gone? That Sue will lose her number one constant? That Franklin will never know the love his uncle holds for him?
There was no other way, wasn't it?
So what is he thinking for? What is he contemplating for?
His world is spared, his family right within his reach, his nephew recognizing him.
But nothing still felt quite right with Johnny anymore.
His thoughts naturally circle back to her, to the most interesting woman he met, to the one his sister ordered to kill because she almost took her son, his nephew. But this is Sue, right? She would've forgiven him just because he thinks of Shalla-bal even with the events that transpired.
Die with yours, it's a blessing, she once answered him.
And before Johnny knows it, his hands reached for his helmet and replays that specific video he got of her, when he told his family he will charm her only to end up being the one desperately charmed all over again.
He takes a deep breath as that ache starts to awaken from his chest again, seeing her in her beauty, the silver of her skin glowing by the fire beneath them. Fire, which he controls, and in her face he sees his own, Johnny has never been a romantic like his sister and brother-in-law are, but wouldn't seeing his face on her own means she owns him in a way? Well, not in that moment they were meeting Galactus but right at the start, he knew she has captured him.
That maybe they are one and the same, didn't she sacrifice herself for his world?
Johnny flinched, enough of the sacrifice talk. He replays the video; he pauses exactly when she turns to him. I think I died with you, he wishes to say.
He takes another deep breath like he needs to push down the ache that starts to grow. He knows she hadn't always been like what she looked like, so he lets his mind roam on what she might've looked like, without the silver, without the weight of her own world spared, without the price of others' deaths.
He knows she has a family too, like him, that's why she chose to save them by separating from them. And maybe she's correct, maybe Franklin would've given himself up if he was a bit older, his own mother's pleas would be deaf on his ears if it meant she'll be alive.
But also maybe, she's correct that they should've taken Franklin and move to another world, another earth where they wouldn't be superheroes and just mutants who needed refuge. And maybe he should've taken her with him. Maybe she would be free of that stellar polymer his brother-in-law pointed out, maybe she would go back to being a scientist like the rest of them, maybe she could even form part of the team. Fantastic Six seems to have a ring to it.
If she could go back to her regular self, Johnny thinks, does she even remember what she looks like? Does she remember what her daughter looks like? I'm sure she's as pretty as her mom.
But now that her mother chose to spare his world and his nephew, would Galactus come for her planet next? Would he kill her in front of her daughter? Of the people who thanked her for saving them? Is she even alive right now?
He removes his helmet as his heart races, itching to go to her, to find a way to reach her and take her and-
As if knowing he needed salvation from his own mind and heart, Sue knocks and opens the door, Franklin in her arms. Johnny calms down and his smile is automatic as he sits up properly to stretch his arms towards his nephew who seems so glad to see him again.
Sue closes the door and walks to him, "he's been looking for you."
Johnny cackles, "haha! Why wouldn't he? I'm his greatest uncle ever."
Sue rolls her eyes as she sits in the empty chair beside him, "alright."
She gives him Franklin, and she watches as her brother's smile grow wider and her son relaxing, finally getting what he wants. "Your favorite is uncle Johnny, isn't it, Franklin? Come on, say yes, space baby, I know you can talk."
"He's barely one year old."
Johnny looks at Sue, "and I don't care."
She sighs, he dotes on Franklin again and she takes the time to look around his room, she hasn't been talking about it but sometimes, she thinks of how the Silver Surfer lingers in her brother's mind more than she'd like. And it's not even because of the physical notes present, or the fact that almost every time she opens his door, he's always wearing his helmet, reliving the voice of the one he misses the most.
It's when he spaces out when he thinks no one is looking or noticing, it's when his eyes stare at anything silver, it's when his body freezes up a tiny bit on the rare occasion they talk about "Herald", it's when he has taken a particular interest in the moon.
Franklin may be her baby, but Johnny is her first baby. And she knows him more than he thinks she does.
Before she could finally ask about her, about the most interesting woman her baby brother has ever met, about the woman he can't seem to let go of, Johnny carries Franklin mid-air, levelling him to his mother's face. He nods in approval.
"What are you doing?"
He puts Franklin back on his lap, "nothing, I just feel so grateful he looks like you," Sue scoffs and he looks at his nephew, "and you'll grow to look like her, wouldn't you? Yes, you should, take up all of my sister's good genetics."
She just laughs, she knows how much Johnny praises her anyway.
She watches him stare at Franklin, getting quiet, and Franklin does too, mirroring his uncle.
Randomly, so suddenly, he blurted out, "I wonder if her daughter looks like her too." Then he looks at his sister, "Shalla-bal."
She takes a deep breath, good, she thinks, that Johnny brought her up instead of her, "so she has a daughter."
He shrugs, "I think so, I heard a younger voice calling her, could be a little sister." He pauses, "but I think it's a daughter." Sue just nods, not knowing what to add or ask, he looks at Franklin again, "I wonder if her daughter looks like her too."
Then he tells her what else he discovered about her, what he chose not to tell Shalla-bal on their confrontation when she destroyed Reed's teleportation devices around the world, what he wanted to keep for himself but his sister's presence invites no judgement, even if it's about the woman who almost took Franklin from her.
And Sue just listens, relieved that her brother finally openly talked about her without the tightness in his throat nor the tension in his shoulders, that he just talks. Like he used to.
He tells her the type of scientist she was, and how she might work better with Ben than Reed or Sue or him. With the way he talks, Sue confirms that he wanted Shalla-bal to be with them.
She was about to compliment him, on how he learned a whole new language for his spacewoman he'd never see or hear talk in that language again, how he was able to wrap his empathy around someone who just chose to save her world like he would've done, when he looked at Franklin and blurted out, "if uncle Johnny had a child, I hope they will look like her."
Her breath stops at her throat. She never reckoned it was this serious for him, that her brother actually finally found the one he could be serious with. That her baby brother could even consider children and not because of Franklin, but because of the woman who could've delivered the infant to the one who would devour him.
But Sue realizes it's useless to keep thinking of her this way, not when Johnny told her the events of what happened the night of them saving their earth, no, Sue corrects, when she helped saved their earth. Besides, she would've lost her brother if it weren't for his not-so girlfriend, right? And Sue knows she would've lost her mind if she actually did.
Their mother would move heaven and earth for her, her husband almost had a successful attempt for their family and their world, why wouldn't she for Johnny?
And the longer she looks at him, the longer she's accepting he might do so for this Shalla-bal.
Then he shrugs, kissing at Franklin's arms, "welp! Uncle Johnny don't know where she is now, does he?" He kisses at Franklin's cheek, making the baby giggle, "she's probably fighting Galactus, right?"
Franklin yawns, Sue cracks a joke to lighten the atmosphere, "I think your ramblings are his bedtime stories."
Johnny feigns hurt as Sue takes her son from him, "I poured my heart out, Franklin!"
Franklin, eyes half-closed, giggles one last time before he melts to a slumber in his mother's arms.
"Wow, he really fell asleep."
"You did pour your heart out," Sue interjects, freezing Johnny in his place.
He blinks, "what?"
"I didn't know your interest in her runs that deep." Johnny side eyes the notes left untouched in his room and Sue sighs, "I didn't mean just that." She looks at him, "you want children with her."
He shrugs her off, "eh, just a passing thought."
"But you thought it."
"I think a lot of things, my dear sister-"
"About her," Johnny stills, "you think a lot of things about her."
There's no use in hiding from the one who basically raised him, right?
He sighs and puffs, "well, that's all I could do."
She didn't say anything more, not knowing what could comfort him, she stands up, her sleeping son in her arms yet she couldn't help but to consider the daughter Johnny mentioned. As a fellow mother like Shalla-bal, all she could tell him was, "she's alive."
"What?"
Sue is already at the door by the time Johnny reacted, she couldn't look at him, "I said she's alive, it's impossible she isn't." She takes a deep breath and forces her eyes to meet his, "good night, Johnny."
His jaw tightened, "yeah," his throat torched, "good night, sis."
She leaves him to his thoughts again. His hands ball to a fist, of course Sue has forgiven him, she just gave him the biggest hope he could ever attain. That Shalla-bal is alive, that she might actually not be dead, that Galactus might still spare her for the service she has done to him.
But she still isn't with him, is she? She still hasn't visited, has she? Johnny scoffs as he plops to his chair again, why would she even visit? Does she even think of him like he does of her?
Now that his salvation left the room, he realizes it just worsened his longing for her. He tries to stop the tears that badly want to coat his eyes, they had a moment, didn't they? He knew he wasn't being silly nor even tripping. They had a moment. And he knows it was real. It was real to him; it had to be real to her too, right?
And Johnny could still feel her, when her surfboard crashed with his body, the moment she chose to sacrifice herself for him. It had to be, right? That she chose him in the end, and whether it was an act of penance or an act of reciprocation for his feelings, he was able to reach her, right?
He inhales, trying to wipe the tears that he refuses to spill for her because it felt like an act of betrayal, mourning someone his sister just said is alive.
But the ache couldn't help but to spread, kind enough to choke his neck, to let a tear or two taint his cheek. Then he remembers seeing his reflection on her cheek. He finally had someone, hadn't he? Something and someone outside of the family he's only ever known. Reed and Sue has each other, and as far as he knows, Ben has been seeing Rachel, he had to have someone too, right?
And it isn't even because he's lonely, prior to Galactus, he had been feeling quite empty about who he is outside of his family and his work. Now that he had it right within his hands, it still slipped. His eyes found their way to look at the evidence of how he's so willing to have something of his own. Not someone he could territorially own, but just to have someone outside of where he's from and the responsibilities of his duties.
He learned a whole new language for her, only to never speak it again.
He should've had asked harder for her to stay.
Maybe, just maybe, she's within his reach too.
Even if he had his sister's persuasive speech, he might have not been able to convince her to stay. Because Shalla-bal is Shalla-bal, and she isn't someone who's supposed to be permanent. He figured long ago that the surfboard wasn't a part of her, but he didn't realize it meant that it was always ready to take her away.
And he is himself, and who he is has always been someone tied to his family and bound to saving people.
But he likes to believe he once had something of his own, everything he could have ever wanted and more.
Then she disappeared, just like that, maybe he flew too close to the moon.
He could never have something like this again.
He walks to his bed, her voice twinkling inside his mind, hold your loved ones close for your time is short, she said. Was it so bad to wish he was able to hold her? If he knew that the time they had would make the adjective short shy away?
Like the quickness of their meeting, Johnny's obtaining of his meaning and purpose also left at the speed of light, at the speed of her- taking any essence he could have had on his own with her. She took just as much as she gave.
And in the dark of the night, when only the moon illuminates his room, Johnny dreams of her.