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Sometimes, Harumasa found himself buried underneath layers. Both literally and figuratively. Underneath layers of warmth, blankets and clothes over him, Harumasa felt safe in his own little mess because figuratively, what the executive officer was buried under was layers upon layers of self-doubt, loathing, and disgust.
A whiff of his own medicinal scent to the half-drunken coffee he had earlier in the morning, he found it too excruciatingly strong. An attempt to drown himself in blankets and clothes, more so the clothes of his two lovers, he wanted to mask his scent for as long as he could. The whiff of sunkissed dirt and nature, and then the whiff of something less musky and more sweet. Two scents that shouldn’t exactly mix well together, but they concocted a sense of comfort within Harumasa who hugged Lighter’s extra black shirt and Seth’s own tank as though they were his lifeline.
He found it too much effort to throw the coffee away, and he found it too much effort to take a shower and whisk away his medicinal scent. The bundle of extra clothes on his head were grounding him, at least, and the clothes kept in a pile around the bed told him that he was safe . Secured.
Yet, his mind worked against him. His heart throbbed achingly so and Harumasa’s breath hitched. His grip around his lovers’ shirts tightened and he clung to them, memories of the past and thoughts of disdain circulating him. They prowled, dancing around him as though he was mere prey.
Remember when you hurt Seth? Remember when Lighter looked more annoyed at you than usual?
You’re so detestable .
Harumasa whimpered. Sometimes, he found himself wracked by his own lingering feelings of guilt and shame. He was certain it stemmed from his own upbringing—rather, his lack of upbringing—but psychology be damned. Clinical thoughts and assessment were forgotten, not that they were ever there for him to begin with, and Harumasa only knew it was fact that he feared being a nuisance to others. It was simply obvious to him, too obvious to him.
He pulled a shirt over his head and face, covering his eyes. Ah, he was not surprised the shirt was becoming stained and wet—his tears were falling freely now. His lips quivered and he quickly hugged himself, bringing his head into his chest and tucking his legs together.
It was stupid that his mind wandered like this. Even after Miyabi and the others stuck by him despite his condition, even after he realized his master truly cared about him, even when he found himself being loved by two men—he couldn’t help that he felt so horrible . Even when he knew people loved him and cherished him, even when he knew that he himself valued his own life—
—what did that ever amount to if he was constantly pushing people away? All in the name of being a tease? A lover of pushing and pulling people to his strange dance?
He never meant to act so cruel. Harumasa was honest with himself, he wished he really was. He wished it was as easy as opening himself up and then it staying stagnant like that. Yet, fate was cruel. He was always running away, coming back, then running away again. He pulled people in, then kicked them off. He was cruel.
Harumasa’s thoughts ran wild in his head. He was being kicked and attacked, picked apart in different angles. Sometimes, his thoughts ran so wildly malicious that he imagined his loved ones talking to him in such scornful tones. He imagined Section 6 scrutinizing him. He imagined the fearful expressions of Wise and Belle, calling him a monster.
He even imagined Lighter and Seth looking at him with such disdain that Harumasa wanted to disappear.
At this point, a high-pitched, painful sound escaped his lips. Harumasa hugged himself a little tighter and squeezed his eyes. His lips quivered as he forced himself to steady. To breathe in, then out. In, and then—
—he gasped. His chest hurt. Harumasa almost wailed as he realized he was caught in a coughing fit, the man’s eyes quickly becoming even more red and teary. His vision blurred as he pulled the shirt away from his face, trying to look for any sense of comfort. He found nothing but his stupidly huge mess and he rasped, a whimper escaping his trembling lips as his knuckles turned white. Gripping hopelessly at the shirts he hugged, he coughed loudly and sobbed.
It’ll go away. It’ll go away.
He heaved. Adrenaline coursed through his body. He felt like his blood was becoming cold, ice cold. He felt like he was going to freeze, that he was going to die. His heart continued to thump and throb painfully, making it hard for him to breathe.
But it’ll go away. I’ve been doing this alone, it’s the same-
The door swung open with a loud thud.
“Harumasa!”
Harumasa heard his name being called, twice. Arms which wrapped around him. Hands which brushed his face, trying to steady and ground him. His vision was blurry. His face was wet from tears that continued to fall down. He blinked a few times, some slower than others as he forced himself to adjust to his surroundings.
The familiar colors of blue and red. Harumasa couldn’t help the shaky, almost painfully vulnerable whine that escaped his quivering, wet lips. He found himself peeling his gaze away from the potential scrutiny of his lovers, squeezing his eyes shut.
“No,” yet, he wasn’t sure what he was denying claim to; he was so softspoken, his plea barely audible, “please.”
“Harumasa.”
He recognized whose hands were cupping his face. How those hands were soft with a rough touch, callouses felt against tear-stained flesh. How fingers were slender, long. Slowly, even when he feared it so badly, he leaned into the touch. He forced himself to open his eyes, knowing he’ll be called to once more if he kept himself in the dark for much longer.
As he expected, purple eyes were staring into him. Eyebrows were furrowed. Ears twitched, perked up. It was clear, from this very moment, that his other lover was the one hugging him from behind, those forearms of his bigger and stronger—it grounded him to reality better.
“Why?” Harumasa found himself so lost, unsure. He stayed limp in their holds, not resisting nor trying to pull back. “You don’t…?”
Seth narrowed his gaze. He examined the raven for a moment, then softened his stare. His eyebrows furrowed as he leaned forward. “What’s wrong? Do you need your meds?"
Harumasa shook his head. He found Seth’s stare to be too much, too overwhelming. He almost whimpered, even when he nuzzled against Seth’s touch and begged Lighter in silence to be held longer. Only a low noise escaped him, one that sounded wounded and scared.
“Harumasa, hey.” Lighter’s voice came from the back. It was soft, gentle. Harumasa felt the man’s grip tightened around his waist. “Did we do something? Tell us what happened. We want to help.”
Harumasa felt so horrible. He felt that they would push him away. They would most certainly push him away if he spoke. He was so certain of that, knowing it was inevitable. It was certainly inevitable—
“Hey, he might be overwhelmed.” Seth spoke and broke Harumasa from his thoughts. As Harumasa’s breath was caught in his throat, the thiren leaned forward. He gently ran a hand down the raven’s hair. “You’re okay.”
Harumasa breathed in, then out. Slowly, he thought back to… pleasant times. Back in the academy when Seth would hold him close, playing with his hair. When he used to be with Seth exclusively, leaning against his touch and enjoying how the thiren always stayed with him.
Liar. Remember when he left you?
Harumasa froze. A pained whimper escaped him, one that Seth immediately caught. The raven found himself looking at the thiren whose expression soured, concern and worry on his face.
“Haru.” Lighter called out to the man once more. He buried his face against Harumasa’s shoulder, rubbing the side of his cheek against Harumasa’s neck. “Hey, you’re good. You’re here. We’re here.”
Seth nodded. He went back to peppering Harumasa with gentle words and touches, running his fingers through his hair. “Mhm, you’re safe. We’re here for you. You can relax.”
Harumasa gulped. His heart throbbed. Slowly, he opened his mouth, meek. “You… You don’t hate me?”
“What? Of course not.” Seth frowned. “Why would you think that? We both love you and care about you.”
Lighter agreed without hesitation. He even seemed to hold Harumasa even tighter. “You know we both love you, even if you try to annoy us and prove otherwise. You’d be crazy to think we don’t love you, Boss.”
Seth’s honesty and Lighter’s casualness made for a deadly concoction, Harumasa decided. The way the two of them spoke with such conviction made the archer feel so loved, so comforted. He wanted to hold them and hug them tightly, to be peppered and spoiled in kisses. A small noise rumbled in his throat.
“Can you… prove it?”
He spoke hesitantly, yet he begged for them to show it. Seth and Lighter seemed to understand what he wished for, as Harumasa felt his position being changed. He was adjusted and moved, now sat on Lighter’s lap as Harumasa took in the sight of Seth who traced his fingers on his face. The thiren smiled, took the man’s face, and slowly, pressed his lips against his.
At that same time, Lighter took his time to trail soft, light pecks down the back of Harumasa’s neck. As though the man knew of Harumasa’s worries, of his insecurity, he made sure to let his kisses linger over the nape and over the scars of the past. A reminder of the present and not of the past, the soft kisses a gentle signal for Harumasa to focus on the current moment.
And how Seth made sure to demonstrate his love for Harumasa. It wasn’t like other times whenever they kissed, no. This time, Seth was softer and much more deliberate, slower. He lingered each subtle touch made, lip to lip, gnawing lightly at Harumasa’s bottom lip. He allowed Harumasa to decide fate for them, only moving his tongue in when the raven parted his lips and sighed into him.
“You’re so pretty,” Lighter said, nibbling at the nape. Harumasa shuddered, whining into the kiss as Seth interlocked their tongues. “You’re so good for us.”
Harumasa felt lightheaded at the compliment. Lighter always had a way with words, even when the mercenary was even more awkward than Seth. It was something about how Lighter was so honest and shy from time to time, how the man screamed more innocuously than even his dear junior did.
His heart skipped a beat. Harumasa wondered if, somehow, these two men would cause his death one day. That would definitely be better than turning into an ethereal, that’s for sure.
Seth slowly pulled away, letting a trail of saliva between their tongues connect as they parted. He looked at Harumasa with his cheeks pink, lips pursed as he breathed softly. “How… How was that?”
Harumasa found himself unsure how to answer. There wasn’t any wrong or right choice, he knew, but he still found it all too stunning. He was speechless, cheeks flushed as his lips trembled. A sensation that made him long for more, eyes dazed. “It’s good. Great. Amazing, even. I- Um, thanks. I needed that.”
Lighter shared a look with Seth. The lynx cat seemed to understand, the man pulling Harumasa forward and pressing his forehead against his. His ears twitched. “Hey, Harumasa, I’m sorry if it’s sudden, but can you… tell us what’s wrong? I think it’s clear something’s wrong and it’s bothering you. You have our clothes everywhere.”
Harumasa’s face flushed. Slowly, he realized that the entire bed was filled with clothes from both of his boyfriends. He almost forgot that he had buried his head under a few earlier. He averted his gaze, even when Seth gently cradled his face. Even when Lighter massaged his shoulders slowly. “I- Um, it’s nothing, really.”
“You’re lying,” Seth said, frowning slightly. “If it concerns us, we want to know.”
“No, it’s really nothing,” he said, insistent. Even when he sounded hesitant, he tried to mask it off. He tried to act nonchalant, even when his usual snark and jest was gone from his tone of voice. “Just- Y’know, mind going places. Nothing bad. Typical ol’ me.”
“Harumasa.”
He flinched. His throat grumbled, a whine escaping his lips from the back of his tongue. He nervously looked at Seth who looked back at him with slight firmness, but still mostly in concern. Harumasa wanted to turn around and bury his face into Lighter’s chest, but resisted the urge. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry,” Lighter said, continuing to massage and rub at Harumasa’s back and shoulders. “Don’t feel pressured. We can wait.”
Harumasa averted his gaze. His voice fell to a quiet murmur, only barely audible for the two men in the room. “Why are you two so good to me?”
Seth was the first to respond, tail swishing slightly as he nuzzled against Harumasa. He purred slowly, right as he planted a gentle kiss on the man. “Because we love you. You deserve to be loved.”
“Not the best with words, but…” Lighter pressed his lips against Harumasa’s nape. “You know I’ll always be around.”
“Same with me.” Seth smiled, voice sweet and warm. “I’ll be with you as long as I could.”
Harumasa’s breath steadied. Even when he felt hesitant, even when he felt like he could argue against it all, he wanted to lean onto that optimism. He wanted to believe that Lighter and Seth were right, that they’d stay by his side forever.
He sighed a little, nodding slowly.
For now, he’d indulge in his own selfish desires to be spoiled by the duo. To let them treat him as they wish.