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Gwen’s Video Diary
“Hi Anwen, it’s your Mam here and I thought I would give you an insight into your family. I know you’re not here yet and maybe your Da won’t be so happy about it but I want you to know my friends...no, my family.”
“So this is where your Mam works.” Gwen pans the camera around and shows off the Hub in all its glory. Missing the mess Theta’s made on the floor, the experiment the Master is currently running and Jack’s collection of World War II memorabilia.
“Look it’s a little messy at the moment....actually... no – I think this is a good day.”
“So this is the main Hub.” Gwen moves the camera from one side to the other taking in everything, mess and all. “Up there is Jack’s office...” she points up to the glass partition where two men are currently pressed against the glass and.... “Yes, well enough of that and don’t ask – not until you’re over twenty-one!”
“Over here is where we have breakfast every morning, our unofficial meeting place you could say.”
The camera picks up comfortable cushions, the low table along with the discarded food, banana skins and the Master’s Darth Vader mug.
“Yeah, we just finished breakfast; Theta isn't so great with the cleaning up. Seems to think they disappear by magic – you will not be learning cleanliness from him.”
“Right over here are the work stations, lots of technical stuff and ....stuff....”
“John! My phone!” Gwen jumps and turns the camera to face a flushed looking Ianto.
“Oh and here is your uncle Ianto,” Gwen continues with the commentary.
“Err...Whatcha doing?” Ianto asks freezing where he stands with a small quirky smile.
“Oh making a video diary for the baby – she’ll love it one day!”
“Err...right....okay...Phone...” Ianto doesn't move just stares straight head while trying to find his phone with a free hand.
“Just act natural,” Gwen encourages but Ianto just freezes up even more. She sighs. “Okay we’ll come back to Ianto.”
She carries on walking into the autopsy room which has been turned into John’s lab. “So this is where Uncle John works. He’s currently working on err...what looks like silicon rubber.”
Gwen takes a close up and then jumps working out exactly what the long strip of rubber like balloon is...”Right not an experiment – just messy too.” She quickly moves away coming face to face with Dr John Noble.
“Hi,” he says watching the camera. “Video diary right?”
“Yeah,” Gwen confirms, “So what are you up too?”
“Time differential – it’s an ability built into all TARDISes that ensures that items or people from different times are not affected by the passage of time within the TARDISes own internal time field. I'm trying to work out the equations and therefore build a device that operates outside the TARDIS itself or some other time capsule because...”
Gwen starts to zone out after about five minutes of this and is relieved when Jack appears in the doorway.
“Anyone seen Lena?” He asks and the camera picks up how dishevelled he looks. His clothing isn't buttoned right and his lips are bright red with bruising. “Little emergency – she may have taken the Master’s laser screwdriver and...”
“Jack!” John yelps. “I told you not to let her near my stuff with that! You know how she likes chewing on it. Damn it, last time she nearly made my whole lab disappear!”
Gwen pans the camera around absently looking at the large scorch marks that still haven’t been fixed since last time Lena found a time vortex energy chew toy.
“Then help me look!” Jack snaps at the other man, who follows him out very quickly. Gwen sighs in relief.
“So that was Jack.”
“Right over there is the conference room,” Gwen steps inside the room not expecting any one there and comes face to camera with a surprised Theta. He yelps and vanishes under the table.
“That was Theta.” Gwen sighs again and puts the camera down onto the table before crawling under it.
“It’s okay, nothing to worry about – it’s just a camera. It’s not going to steal your soul or anything... Please Theta, just come out for a moment. It won’t hurt you, I promise. No – you can’t blast it with time energy, it cost me a lot of money. Please...”
“So this is Theta.” The feral Time Lord looks into the camera and freezes worse than Ianto did.
“Great...err...Just be normal...” He raises an eyebrow. “Right – try to be normal...”
“Theta!” Both jump as the Master screams through the whole base and the other Time Lord cringes.
“What did you do?” Gwen moans as a small smile appears on Theta’s lips.
“THETA!!”
Gwen jumps again and in a flash the feral Time Lord has gone. “Well, that was Theta and the very loud voice was an annoying man called the Master.”
“Yes?”
“Fuck! Er...shit – I mean damn!”
She turns the camera and finds the Master standing behind her. “He was here,” he mumbles sniffing the air.
“Hi, this is err...the Master.”
The Master blinks seeing the camera for the first time and she’s surprised that he actually smiles. Dark hazel eyes brightened and he straightens his hair. Oh bloody hell, she thinks – he’s so vain!
“Make sure it’s my good side,” he comments turning his head this way and that.
“I look good on camera you know, thought about going into politics because damn everyone would trust this face – look at me – Honest and dependable.”
There is a laugh in the doorway and the Master turns to glare at Jack. “Theta?” he snarls, making his eyes flash red.
“Not here,” Jack looks around innocently, “thought he was.”
“Where is my laser screwdriver? He’s made that damn cat steel it again. I swear he has screwdriver envy – I mean who the hell has sonic?!?”
The Master storms off the camera forgotten.
“Hi, I'm Jack,” Jacks says in a low sultry voice before batting his long eye lashes at the camera.
“Jack – Don’t flirt at my daughter!” Gwen snarls.
“What? I'm only saying Hi! You’re as bad as the Dark Lord there,” Jack nods over to the door where the Master has just disappeared from. He hates the nickname too.
“So you want to hear my good advice?” Jack starts grinning into the camera lens. “OK, boys are easier to pick up than girls, but don’t worry I’ll help you get the hand of it...”
“Jack is that a grey hair?”
Jack freezes and touches his perfectly placed hair. “What?” he yelps.
“ I'm sure that looks grey.” She says again, moving closer and taking a close up of his hair.
“What!” Gwen laughs as he runs away. Even Jack has some (lots of) vanity.
“So that was the gang and then...Hi!”
Gwen pans the camera around finding a large black cat sitting near her wagging her tail.
“This is Lena,” she tells the camera and pets the time cat. Darker than black eyes blink up at her and a forked tongue gives her hand a lick. Behind her Theta re-enters the room grinning and holding up the Master’s laser screwdriver.
“Theta,” she sighs. “You know it only winds him up. He’ll just have another tantrum.”
Theta grins and she laughs. “Theta is evil and is not to be trusted,” she tells the camera watching Theta’s eyes glitter with mischief.
“There is no grey hair!” Jack shouts before storming back in and then glaring at Theta.
“You stole it!” He laughs and pulls the other man into his arms giving him a quick kiss. They giggle like school children as Theta puts the screwdriver on the table and starts to fiddle with it.
“Here’s Lena!” John shouts running into the room and freezing at the sight. Theta has finished everything he wants to do and hands the screwdriver to the time cat, who holds it in her mouth. He grins.
“I can’t...oh....” Ianto appears and freezes at the sight of the camera.
“Blasted Cat!” the Master screams and tugs the screwdriver from her. He wipes it on Theta’s shirt making the feral Time Lord moan and pout as his clothing is dirtied. Pale flesh is seen but is quickly covered by Jack’s hands.
“Never take it again!” he yells pointing the screwdriver into the air and suddenly there is a bang as streamers fly from the end.
“THETA!” the Master screams diving for his mate, but said mate is already running and out of the door followed by Jack.
“THETA!”
The camera is jostled as everyone runs about, energy flashes and finally the camera’s view screen is filled with Gwen’s face.
“So this is your family....not sure I'm going to show you this any time soon....if ever.”
There is a shout, a crash and another bang – followed by laughing and more shouting.
“This is actually a quiet day...”
***End****