Work Text:
It starts like this: man.
To be more specific, it's more like:
"I love you... man."
"I love you too, man."
Jay, as the first one, gets to set the tone. Maybe he shouldn't go with the bro-dude-man tone since he and Jaeyun are alone when he says it.
But he tacks the "man" onto the end in a way that's not really tacking, it's just natural. He could say something like "appreciate you, bro" but that's not very much like him and Jaeyun, to be honest. When they're alone? When it's just them and the members? They don't have to pretend.
So yeah, the whole interaction goes very normally and smoothly and doesn't leave Jay sitting up after midnight thinking about it, chastising himself for not just being vulnerable with those three words. He doesn't even mean them in a way that's not your typical friendship formed by a traumatic survival show! Can't catch a break, man. But anyway, there's a weird soft lump under the covers next to his ankle and he's pretty sure it's one of Jaeyun's socks again.
It's nice to not have to think about things when he's with Jaeyun.
Well, okay. It's not like he doesn't think when they're together—he does, he thinks a lot, actually. Especially during their weird debates that often conclude with just leaving it behind as they find some new thing to fixate on.
But that's not what he means. He means—well, he thinks about things when he's with Jaeyun, but it doesn't feel like it. The thoughts that whizz all around each other don't give him a headache and don't ache his posture when he's with Jaeyun. Which makes him sound an awful lot like a cat that can only relax with its owner, but that could just be Sunghoon's influence.
The point is being with Jaeyun just feels better. Lighter, freer, whatever. Just better.
Another thing about being with Jaeyun is it doesn't feel like a big thing.
It goes comfortably. Jay is comfortable. He'd assume Jaeyun's comfortable because he's never indicated otherwise. But the point is, since Jaeyun doesn't seem to dwell on Jay's "man" slip-up when they were alone when it could've just been "I love you" with no man in metaphorical sight, Jay tries not to dwell on it either.
Tries.
The issue is in the effort, because the way he tries not to dwell on it is by letting himself slip up more. It makes sense to him, because Jay doesn't need to be worried about slipping up when Jaeyun doesn't even notice. So he lets himself slip up a little more. Just a little. Something about it doesn't feel right, but it's what he does.
And where does that get him?
A ramen cafe, side by side with Jaeyun, who's managed to drop his noodles in the broth at least three times and splash Jay every single one of them. There's a small gap between their stools and Jay doesn't think much of it until there's warmth on his back and Jaeyun's reached his hand around to the other side of Jay's seat to pull it so their hips are pressed together and their sleeves brush and Jay accidentally returns the favor of broth droplets when he fumbles his chopsticks.
Jay's bowl is empty and Jaeyun's still waiting for a second of his own. Jay wants to lean on Jaeyun, but he can't bring himself to push himself more into Jaeyun's space and let himself relax. What the hell? He never worried about this before. He just did it without thinking. He and Jaeyun are perhaps a bit too familiar with pushing each other and getting into each other's space, so why is he caught up about it now?
Jay feels like he's cosplaying, sitting here like this with Jaeyun, but cosplaying whom exactly?
And then it strikes—this is familiar. Not because he's done it often with Jaeyun, but because he's heard of this done often with Jaeyun. It's brought up all the time by fans, by the members, staff. He's probably even referenced it a couple times.
Ramyeonz.
"Hey," he says, to get Jaeyun's attention. "I like what we're doing—"
Jaeyun gives a hint of a smile. "I do too."
"—but what about Heeseung?"
Maybe it was the wrong question to ask. The air suddenly feels a way that Jay can't think to describe as anything but awkward.
Jaeyun's shifting the tiniest bit away. Jay feels kind of cold, all of a sudden. "What about him?"
Does Jaeyun lean on Heeseung when they do this?
Maybe Jay thinks about it too much. But he's come to a solution: it's no use wondering to lean or not to lean if not in leanable distance.
It's not like they haven't sat across from each other before. Group dinners, various fancy vehicles, probably even other times they've been alone together. So it should be fine.
And he doesn't exactly set a date to try it, but he's not expecting it to come so soon, that he's thought so much about what it's like to sit across from Jaeyun too many times until he's actually doing it.
It's just—the scene is this: table dead center in a family restaurant, four chairs apiece. Usually they don't have seating squabbles, but this time, the second Jay registers Jaeyun going to the opposite side of the table as the chairs they both already pulled out, some crazed monkey forces his brain (and ass) into pushing him aside to get to the one. Last. Chair. (The other one has their stuff on it.)
They're supposed to be laughing. It's supposed to be a joke, something they can barely keep themselves together while participating. But Jaeyun isn't fucking laughing.
Jay tries to maintain looking kinda down into Jaeyun's eyes, but he's first to break. And it leaves him so off-kilter that he doesn't even react when a hand's coasting his ass—not even a tap or a smack—and Jaeyun's own ass is hitting the one Last Chair. He goes back to his original seat.
It could be said that it goes smooth from here, but whoever's saying that has it wrong, because:
Jaeyun should be the one to pay.
What? No. Jay should pay.
Fuck off, Jay always pays, Jaeyun gets that Jay's rich but Jaeyun's also rich.
Well, Jay should still be the one to pay.
It should be Jaeyun.
Except it's going to be Jay.
"What if you just split it?"
Jay forgot Sunghoon came with them this time. Grateful he did, because with that suggestion? Sunghoon might be a genius. Comparatively.
Sitting across from Jaeyun becomes an almost daily occurrence—not just when they're eating ramen. It expands to eating anything else, visiting anywhere with tables and seats like that. Even in the car and on flights, Jaeyun's sneakers and caps and sweaters and hoodies and books are now Jay's constant companions.
Companions for which he's responsible, seeing as Jaeyun all but tossed his stuff on the bed and got in the shower.
"I'm supposed to be the messy one," Jay shouts at the open bathroom.
Jaeyun yells back something unintelligible.
They're rooming together for the first time in probably over a year, and it's equal parts familiar and infuriating (not that Jaeyun's a terrible roommate—the opposite, actually), but most of that's covered by this mass of relief Jay feels just knowing it'll be him and Jaeyun alone every night for the next couple of days.
A secret here: Jay doesn't organize the stuff that he puts away. He just puts it together in a lump on the floor. Jay has a lump and Jaeyun has a lump and it's good enough.
The look on Jaeyun's face when he comes out of the bathroom and sees the lumps makes Jay double over laughing so hard he can feel it in his spine and he's not even that old yet.
It gets worse when his funny bone is further tickled by the shower curtain.
Jaeyun doesn't get it, stopping with floss still between two of his teeth to pass a judgmental glance at Jay in the mirror. "What the hell is so funny about a shower curtain?"
And if Jay thought the shower curtain was bad, he's full in for it when the two of them are actually brushing their teeth, side by side with foaming mouths. His premonition skills are kind of shit lately and that's emphasized by simply not comprehending the consequences of repeatedly making eye contact in the mirror before darting away and pretending it's not hilarious.
The toothpaste that Jay has to wipe up from the floor and from dribbling down his pajama shirt is unrelated.
Jaeyun laughs all the while, at Jay's sulk (which isn't that funny) and eventually at Jay being unable to hold back laughter of his own.
They're still laughing hours later when they get their ramen for the night and settle in a nook of the kitchen suite for the place they're staying. Jaeyun seems to sober up.
"What did you mean when you asked about Heeseung the other day?"
Jay's about to respond (or upend the table in panic, which counts as a legit response) when Sunghoon walks in, heading directly for them. Jay waits for Sunghoon to make some joke about them being in their own world again, but he just gives them a weird look and grabs something from a cabinet.
"You guys eat together a lot lately."
"All of us eat together all the time."
"I just mean you look happy, is all."
Jay wants to know how he looked before that signified he wasn’t happy.
"What're you doing up?" Jaeyun's hands cup his ramen bowl. The irony of him asking that question. Come to think of it, when did Jaeyun start being up like this? It's well past his usual unless necessary. As much as Jay likes ramen, he wouldn't include it in necessary. That's for things like practice or long shoots.
"Heeseung-hyung wanted coffee. He's lonely without your ramyeonz nights now."
Jay can't keep the skepticism out of his tone when he says, "sure," because Sunghoon looks a tad too excited about filling in some vacant position for Heeseung specifically, even if it means drinking coffee at midnight and being laughed at by groupmates. He gets this weird, excited dog look and Jay feels like there's probably more there than he's thinking about, but he doesn't bother.
When Sunghoon's gone, Jay stirs his chopsticks around. He can feel Jaeyun's gaze on him, but when he looks up, Jaeyun's having a staring contest with the table.
What about Heeseung?
Jay doesn't get to ask because Jaeyun sighs, like he knows what's begging to crawl out onto the wood between their dishes. "Just finish your food."
Jay takes it back now—that being with Jaeyun doesn't feel big. Sitting across from him, sitting next to him. Holding his hand. Soft moments colliding in the right way, where Jay wants to—well, he wants to kiss him.
He wants to keep holding his hand, he wants to be unafraid to stay longer than anyone else, he wants to be the one whom Jaeyun trusts with his worries, the one who pokes at sleepy Jaeyun and brings him what he needs. He wants to be what Jaeyun needs.
To hell with his healthy trimming of the way he loves to make it acceptable if it all leads to this. To hell with just being good friends.
All he knows is he sees Jaeyun and thinks, when did being with you take me over?
Jaeyun's head is on his shoulder, a comfortable weight. Usually it's Jay who ends up with his head on Jaeyun's shoulder, under his arm. It's a nice change, even if Jay still doesn't know whether to lean on him in return.
Something touches Jay's neck. Jaeyun's lips.
Fuck, Jaeyun's lips are on Jay's neck. It's probably just an accident. Or Jaeyun's messing around.
It doesn't mean something.
"Do you get it now," Jaeyun says softly. "I want to be with you, Jay."
When Jay doesn't say anything—not because he doesn't care, but because shock and surprise strangle him where he sits—Jaeyun sighs a bit through his nose. "Don't ask about him again."
'I didn't even say anything,' builds up in Jay's chest but he doesn't need to put it out loud because Jaeyun's his fucking mind-reader at this point. Maybe not everything he left unsaid—intentionally or unintentionally—was actually unknown. Maybe Jaeyun noticed all that slipping up Jay did.
He swallows to get over the thick feeling in his throat. "Wouldn't you rather go on dates with hyung?"
Jaeyun's voice goes quieter. He sounds... hurt. "He blushes when you hold his hand, y'know."
And I feel like imploding every time you touch me. What is Jay supposed to say to that? "So you wouldn't go on dates with him?"
"I eat ramen with you because I want to."
"So you wouldn't?"
"What are you trying to get by asking? You won't believe me if I say no." At this, Jaeyun pulls away from Jay's side, leaving what feels like a cold, hollow imprint. Like a dark, deep lake on some distant moon. That Jay kind of wants to drown in, but he'd miss Jaeyun too much.
"I don't know, I'm sorry."
"You didn't do anything wrong. No need to apologize." He hovers a moment longer, like he wants to do something but decides against it at the last second. "Good night, Jay."
It's 2:47 in the morning when a glass of water nearly slips from Jay's unsteady hand to the floor, because holy fuck, Jaeyun kissed his neck and maybe it wasn't unintentional or a joke.
Do you get it now, he'd said.
But Heeseung's Jay's best friend. It makes sense to care about if someone else, in this case, Jaeyun, is hurting him.
Unless they aren't even dating, or something a bit before dating. Did Jay make it up?
He'd thought it was Jaeyun's fault this whole time, not answering him about Heeseung, not being transparent. But would Jay have even believed if Jaeyun answered honestly, when he'd already made up his mind about how the story went?
He thought it fell on Jaeyun. And it does, in the way that it falls on both of them.
But maybe... maybe this time it falls a little more on Jay.
And now Jay knows this: Jaeyun would say no. He would say no if Jay asked about Heeseung, and while Past Jay wouldn't, Present Jay would believe him.
Jay can't stay away that easily. It's not like he tries, either.
It's bright and just cool and dry enough that summer doesn't feel like it needs to be fast-forwarded and over as quickly as possible. Jay tries his best to not act like he wants to put his arm through Jaeyun's in a non-platonic way as they walk the streets of a more residential area.
Everyone else is walking other places or just hanging out back at the vans. True to their doing-everything-together thing that's been established, Jay and Jaeyun had found each other right away and set off to go in mindless loops of this part of the city.
After the third mindless loop where Jay trips yet again and Jaeyun catches him yet again, Jay says on reflex, "I'm sorry."
"For what? You're just tired."
Jay wrinkles his pants in his hands hastily, like it'll help his next words or his next steps on the sidewalk. "No, it's not that."
"Then what is it?"
"I like you too much."
"Jay..."
"I'm sorry because I like you too much," Jay repeats. "I was so... fucked up about Heeseung and all this stuff because I like you too much, and I let it go too far. I'm sorry. I'll try to—I don't know. Let go instead."
He feels sick. Shit, he feels so sick he might have to lie down but he can't because he's out here with Jaeyun, and Jaeyun's walking them over to a shaded spot between two buildings that look far less than busy.
What is Jaeyun going to say? Why isn't he saying anything?
He's pulling Jay to the wall, and suddenly it's too warm for a temperate summer day.
"What are you doing?"
The sick feeling spikes into his fingertips and Jay swallows as Jaeyun's hand snakes up his collar.
"Taking it too far. Can I kiss you?"
Jay says, "yes," and before he has half a mind to realize begging for it won't do anything good, Jaeyun's mouth is on his.
The world doesn't change color. The kiss isn't tumbling into crystal clear or surfacing from the sea. It's just the two of them where they probably shouldn't be. But at the same time, it is all those things.
Jaeyun's smile is cautious and timid and still frilly and warm like a happy lizard in the sun. "I also like you too much, if you couldn't tell."
Jay gapes at him.
Something clicks. Like when a planet's run far enough along its track of life to have nearly dissolved in its area of the galaxy and now you can see what you're left with: what's just gone and what's new.
It doesn't feel like a big thing to let their first and second and third kisses be in an alley on a bright overcast day. He should probably care more about getting caught, but Jay's on top of the world right now.
It still doesn't feel like a big thing when he says, "I love you."
Jaeyun looks up at him, but he doesn't say anything like he's one of those douchey movie characters, like I know, or Do you? No, you don't. You can't love me. Nobody loves me.
Were that the case, Jay would have to be a nickname for the name Nobody because even that attitude wouldn't stop Jay's love.
But anyway. He doesn't have to worry about that, because Jaeyun doesn't do any of it.
He just smiles. "I love you, too." And continues eating the noodles still hanging on his chopsticks, ducking his head a bit.
It doesn't feel like a very big thing at all, with Jaeyun. And somehow it's everything.
Jay secretly takes care of the bill while Jaeyun's in the bathroom. They can split next time.