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Mack should have known this was how it was going to end. It, which didn’t even have a name to it but felt more like a relationship than a hookup to him, clearly the feeling wasn’t mutual though. He clutched the stupid Red Solo Cup that Lane had shoved into his hands, causing it to break. Whatever concoction that some drunk frat bro had put together spilled onto the floor and Mack’s shoes. His favorite pair of black Converse high tops that he had for years, now ruined and soaked with beer. He couldn’t bring himself to care though, because across the room, Will Smith was making out with some girl. His Will, the one that kissed him the world was going to end, was making out with some girl. She didn’t even look like Mack, which made it so much worse, and he wasn’t sure why. She had long black hair that reached her back, dressed in a sparkly grey top and a mini skirt. Will’s full attention on her as he wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her close.
While Mack stood across the room with dirty blonde hair, dressed in a white short sleeve button down shirt and black dress pants. Alone with nobody’s attention on him because Will was the only person who would look at him like that, like he was worth it. Realistically, he shouldn’t have been surprised. Will Smith, the one who could have any girl he wanted, yet chose Macklin, but the same Will he couldn’t say the word gay allowed without disgust being twisted into his voice. Mack should have known you couldn’t get one Will without the other. He had hoped though that he could, that the one who made horrid jokes with his friends was a separate one from the person who took Mack to bed almost every night.
Mack turned around, pushing through the crowd, not caring enough to say sorry. He needed to leave; all he cared about was leaving. He couldn’t breathe; it felt like everyone in the room was getting closer and closer to him, trapping him in a sea full of people. He felt someone in the crowd grab his arm; he turned around to see who it was. Half of him wished it was Will chasing him down to tell him that he was sorry and that making out with that girl meant nothing, that it was nothing compared to fucking Mack raw into the mattress as if he wanted to crave a Macklin Celebrini-shaped hole into it. The other half of him hoped and prayed it wasn’t Will because he wouldn’t be able to keep himself together then. This perfect wall he’d built around himself, keeping his emotions in, always managed to break around Will, and it would totally break down. Then, Mack would cry and make a fool of himself in front of everyone in this stupid party. The one he’d blown off studying to go to because Lane had said Will might be there. When Mack turned around, he didn’t see Will but Aiden, and that made it so much worse.
Aiden, his perfect big brother who wouldn’t look at him the same in months because Mack was too busy making out with the enemy. “Mackie?” Aiden asked, softly. He squeezed Mack’s arm gently as he spoke. Mack felt his heart drop down to his stomach, consumed by the acid that lived there. Aiden’s voice was riddled with concern, several different emotions spreading across his face. The last time Aiden and Mack had really spoken was months ago. It had been a huge fight, one that ended in Aiden telling him that whatever he had with Will would end like this. Macklin felt humiliated because the person he loved, outside of his family, didn’t love him back. He didn’t see him as being worth anything. Will made him feel special, and Mack had been looking to feel special his whole life.
“He was kissing her, why would he kiss her?” Mack whispered, his voice cracking as he spoke. His eyes fell to the floor; he didn’t want to see the look on Aiden’s face when he realized he was right. That Will had done exactly what Aiden said he would do and left Mack breaking in ways he didn’t know were possible. However, Aiden didn’t speak; he didn’t laugh at Mack telling him how stupid he was or say ‘I told you so.’ He just pulled Mack in close, wrapping his arms around his shoulder as he guided them outside, where it was quieter and cooler. Spring was vastly approaching, but it hadn’t gotten made its way to Boston just yet, so when the sun went down, the heat didn’t stick around.
Aiden pulled his phone out of his pocket, using his free hand to unlock it and order them an Uber back to their dorm. When they were younger, they would fight about anything and everything, and usually, if Aiden ended up being right or winning, he’d shove it into Mack’s face. A part of him wished he would do that right now. He wished that Aiden would scream at him, call him stupid because really, he was, and besides, if the roles were reversed, it would have been what Mack would have done. “This is why you should have listened to me!” Mack imagined himself saying, rubbing it into Aiden’s face.
Aiden didn’t do that though. He just kept Mack smooshed into his side. His eyes scanned the area around the porch as if he was waiting for Will to come out so he could beat the shit out of him. Just this morning, if you were to have put that image into Mack’s brain of Aiden beating the shit out of Will and asked him who he would pick, he would have chosen Will. Will looked at him and didn’t see Macklin Celebrini, the person who wouldn’t ever be better than his other brother at anything other than academics, which didn’t mean anything to their father. Will saw Mack or Mack thought he did. Now, though, he wasn’t sure what Will saw when he looked at Mack. For Mack, when Will looked at him, he felt seen in a way he never had been before. Will knew what exactly Mack needed without having him verbalize it. He knew with the way he spoke or his body language. Will looked at him, just knew. He cracked down all Mack’s walls that he’d built and left Mack open in raw. When he’d first done it, it didn’t feel so scary. It made Mack feel safe. Now, clinging to his big brother, it felt terrible like all this weakness he didn’t know he had was being dug up for everyone to see. Mack, knowing now the cost of being seen with Will Smith, the image of Aiden beating the shit out of Will routed into his head, he would pick Aiden.
His perfect big brother that had always been so much better than Mack at everything. He had been better at handling his emotions. When he got angry or sad, he never said things that he didn’t mean. He was better at hockey and making friends. He appeased their dad in ways Mack never could because he had dropped hockey when he was fifteen because he was too sensitive, and the gay jokes cut so deep when it was reality being called a faggot as a straight boy meant nothing but when you’d been hiding yourself so deep in that closet for so long, it cut actual wounds into your skin. Ever since Mack had come out to his parents, he had sworn to himself he would never be ashamed. Then, three years later at seventeen, when Mack got his heart broken for the first time because all that guy had seen Mack was a reason to hide himself deeper into the closet. He used Mack to get satisfied just so he wouldn’t have to admit that he liked men. After that incident, Mack made another promise to himself regarding his sexuality, that he wouldn’t be another straight guy’s gay side hoe. Yet here he was now realizing he’d broken that promise for some stupid frat bro with blonde curls and blue eyes.
The Uber eventually pulled up, and Aiden helped Mack into the backseat. The ride back to their dorm was a blur. All Mack could think about was the way Will had his hands wrapped around her. How he had held her close to him, unshamed because he wasn’t afraid to be with her publicly. If they went out and he ran into friends, he wouldn’t drop her hand like he did Mack’s when they left the library and ran into Gabe and Leno. Mack couldn’t even ask what she had that he didn’t because she knew she was something Mack could never be. He could be the perfect boyfriend, go to all Will’s games. He could ditch college and be Will’s stay-at-home husband. He could do anything Will asked, and he would. He so would, but it would never be enough. He could be anything and everything Will wanted in a girlfriend, but it wouldn’t be enough because Mack wasn’t a girl. He wasn’t someone that Will wanted to bring home to show off to his parents.
Aiden pulled Mack out of the Uber, thanking the driver. He kept Mack close to his side, pulling the boy’s dead weight through the hallways all the way to their dorm room. He unlocked the door, pulling Mack inside. He was being so nice to him when he shouldn’t. “Come on, buddy, let’s get your shoes off and get you into bed,” Aiden told him, bending down to untie Mack’s laces. Mack shook his head. He still didn’t understand why Aiden was doing this. He shouldn’t help Mack or be kind to him after how strained their relationship had been the past three months. Ever since their big fight, Mack had iced Aiden out, doing anything in his power to avoid him. He was so mad because he fully believed what Aiden said wouldn’t be true. Mack was different. Will made him believe that he was different. He wasn’t going to be left high and dry by Will like all of the rest of his dates. Will looked at him and saw something, or Mack thought he did. He wanted him too, so he blocked out everything his brother said and his brother himself. Just for Aiden to turn out to be right, Will left Mack heartbroken.
“Don’t help me, you were right. You were right, so shove it in my face,” Mack begged, tears streaming down his face. He wanted, he needed, Aiden to be mean to him. He didn’t deserve any form of kindness from Aiden or anyone not after he’d thrown away everything for Will. He’d blown off Lane on multiple occasions, he avoided his brother like the plague, his grades were slipping all because he felt special. Someone made him feel special and he ruined everything because it felt amazing. It felt like he was being loved. However, it wasn’t and Mack should have known that. He should have listened to his brother like Aiden had begged him to.
“Mack, I’m not saying this to hurt you. I’m saying this because I know guys like Will. We both do. He’s just using you. You know this. It’s like Justin all over again,” Aiden had told him, which had made Mack so angry. Will was nothing like Justin, or maybe he was. Justin, the person who made himself promise he wouldn’t be a straight boy’s secret that he could just hide away instead of coming out realizing he was gay. Then, Will, who made himself break that promise because Mack swore he was different, but he wasn’t. Will wasn’t any different than Justin. Mack hadn’t been worth it enough to Justin to make him come out, and he sure wasn’t worth it enough to Will to make him come out. Mack wasn’t worth anything.
“Oh, Mack ,” Aiden sighed, standing up. He wrapped his arms around his brother, pulling him tight. The way Aiden said his name reminded him of the night Mack had come out to him. The night he found Mack sobbing on the bathroom floor in full belief that his family, just like everyone on his team, wouldn’t support him. He heard stories and watched shows of what happened to kids with unsupportive parents, and Mack didn’t want to live like that. He couldn’t live that, he couldn’t imagine a world where he was shut out from his family.
“You were right, you were right, and I was wrong,” Mack told him, and just like he had done that night on the floor of the bathroom, he sobbed into his big brother’s chest.
Aiden pulled him in tightly, not caring that they were both sweaty and reeked of cheap beer. “I was right, but I really didn’t want to be.”