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Eddie had never apologised for what he’d said in the supermarket. In fact, things were still a little frosty between them. It’s why Buck had cut his loses with Chris. It broke his heart a little.
He really loved that kid, but he had no rights to him. They’d only known each other about six months, and now they had no way to connect.
Buck wasn’t strong enough to stay where he wasn’t wanted. Not anymore. And so he went to work, rode the truck with the team, and then spent their free time in the gym, or on the roof, or in the bunk room.
Bobby tried to include him in cooking, but it felt stark and fake after the month of being excluded. His excuse fell from his lips easily, “I need to eat a strict diet at the moment, my nutritionist would be horrified to see me near this.” He motioned to the carb heavy meal Bobby was prepping.
“Oh, well, I thought I could teach you how to make Lasagne and garlic bread. I guess it doesn’t matter if you can’t eat it.”
Bobby never knew when to take no for an answer. But Buck was past letting his team railroad him.
“No thanks, I’ve got some reading to get done.”
He didn’t wait for the response, thumping down the stairs as he munched on an apple. He made sure to ignore the rest of the team, visibly surprised by Bucks refusal to help.
There was no point in telling Bobby that he’d gone vegan during his recovery. If Bobby had wanted to spend time with him post bombing then he’d already know.
Finding out he was lactose intolerant during the worst months of his life had sucked, but he’d talked to a nutritionist who’d recommended going vegan. It had even become something he loved.
…
But the next shift Bobby sent Chimney to see if Buck wanted to cook with him.
“No thanks man,” Buck said, leaning back on his bed and flicking through a book.
“But, why not?” Chimney wasn’t very good with boundaries either.
“But, why does it matter,” Buck mocked, his tone going straight over the other man’s head.
“Because you love cooking.”
“Loved. I had to learn a lot while I was home taking care of myself, so I don’t need lessons anymore. But hey, I hear from Mads that you could use some help. Why don’t you go learn.”
He should have felt bad throwing his sister under the bus. But he didn’t.
She’d pissed off and left him (again) during the lawsuit, so he didn’t care if she was upset at him now.
Chimney stood there for a moment, and then jerked back before leaving. It seemed Buck had managed to surprise the other man. It wasn’t a common occurrence, since chimney prided himself on being a notorious gossip.
Buck hoped that was the end of it, but he knew better.
…
The next night Buck settled down at the table with his dinner when Bobby strode into the kitchen to cook. He looked happy to see Buck, for a moment, but then he clocked the food in front of him.
“You not going to cook with cap tonight?” Hen asked. Of everyone she was the one Buck was friendliest with. She’d taken time to make sure he was okay when he’d returned, and though awkward during his isolation, she’d been the best of a bad lot.
“Nah, not really interested in learning any new recipes at the moment. And I’m sick of cooking. When I was off after I’d recertified I spent so much time cooking because I couldn’t afford to eat out. Guess that’s what happens when you’re not being paid.” He shrugged. Aware that he’s caught the rooms attention he continued on, “thankfully since I won the lawsuit the department had to back pay me for that time, otherwise I probably would have had to live in my car.” He laughed, but it wasn’t a jovial laugh.
He missed the reactions as he stood to wash out his container.
Bobby’s look of shock and guilt.
Eddie’s utter heartbreak.
Hens surprise and guilt.
Chimneys confusion.
But even if he had seen it, Buck wouldn’t have cared. He’d had to live it after all, what would it matter to him how other people felt about it.
He shook the water off the container and slid it back into his lunch bag in the fridge. His work here was done.
…
The 118 group chat was pinging wildly but Buck was unaware. Once he’d been added back to it when he returned, he’d muted it. It meant missing potential shifts he could pick up, but he’d realised that his work life balance needed to change.
This was the second BBQ that Buck had missed, and it seemed that they’d realised he wasn’t coming. The fact that he’d outright told them that he wouldn’t be there, had clearly been ignored.
A ping sounded, and Buck picked up his phone, shrugging to his friend as he looked at the notification.
Athena: Hi Buckeroo, everyone’s wondering where you are, if you could let me know how long you’ll be that would be great.
Once upon a time a text from Athena would have made his heart swell. He’d been so fond of her, and had felt like she was a mother figure to him. Until she’d stood by when Bobby had betrayed him.
Now the warm feeling he’d once felt for Athena felt similar to those he felt for his parents.
Disappointment. Resentment. Annoyance.
He thought about not responding, but knew that she would call him if she didn’t get a response.
Buck: Still can’t make it. Told Bobby, Hen and Chimney.
Sorted he muted his phone and settled in to enjoy a night out with his friends.
…
Hen knew something had changed, but she didn’t know what to do about it. Buck was so different now, but not sad or angry. Just different.
It was hard to pin down what was wrong, but when Hen scrolled Instagram on the drive to a call, she came across a new post. From Buck.
It was from last night.
While everyone had been at Bobby and Athena’s having a nice time, but missing Buck, he’d been out at a pub with friends. It seemed…off.
Buck was normally so family oriented, making sure to carve out time for the 118. Wanting to spend time with them all.
She screenshotted it, and sent it to the group chat that didn’t include Buck. The one they’d made after the bombing, when he’d been too injured to see them all.
“Mystery solved, Buck was out last night’
She put her phone away. They had a job to do.
…
Buck bounded up the stairs, scrubbing a hand through his freshly washed hair. The call had been easy enough, but messy. And now all he wanted was something to eat, and a cup of coffee.
Bee-lining for the coffee machine, he didn’t pay attention to the full table, though he should have. Athena sat beside Bobby, and Maddy beside Chimney. Eddie and Hen moved from the couch to join the others at the table. They had almost a full house.
It was q-word as he pulled his meal out of the fridge and put it in the microwave, the only sound coming from the coffee machine. It was peaceful, the only movement from the locker room where the rest of their team was still washing off from their call out.
When his food and coffee was ready, he made his way to the table, bypassing the empty seat beside Eddie that used to be his, instead settling at the opposite end of the table.
He wasn’t far from the others, but on either side he was bracketed by an empty chair. It was just as he wanted it, slipping his leg up and onto the chair at his side.
It didn’t cause him too much pain, but there would always be an ache in his leg. He’d learned to live with it, and sometimes elevating it helped. Sometimes nothing helped.
Buck felt eyes on him as he stabbed a peice of tofu with his fork, but he wasn’t going to engage until someone said something first.
“Hi Evan, how was your night,” to no surprise it was Maddie who made the first move.
“It was good. It was my friend Toms birthday so we all went out to celebrate.”
“We’ve never heard of Tom?” It was said as a question though it didn’t feel like one.
Buck shook his head, “I meet him at a cooking class. A couple of us got to talking and we meet up once a week and hang out now.”
If he’d been looking he would have seen the way Bobby’s hand moved to his heart, as if mortally wounded. But he wasn’t looking.
Instead, Buck was scrolling on his phone and eating his balanced lunch while the others all looked between each other.
Athena leaned forward to try again. “I’m off work tonight, so I thought I could come back and make everyone dinner.”
Agreements flooded the table from the 118. But Buck didn’t say anything, still keeping to himself.
“Buckeroo, did you want to help me and Bobby with dinner?”
Once upon a time Buck would have given anything to spend time one on one with the older couple. But not anymore.
“No thanks, I’m pretty sick of cooking at the moment.”
Silence.
“You been doing a lot of cooking baby?”
Buck nodded his head, scooping his last bite into his mouth. “Yeah, my nutritionist has recommended some really good meals so I’ve been making them for me and my elderly neighbour.”
It was a bit of an overshare, but Mrs Pushnik was the loveliest neighbour he’d ever had. 70 years old and grumpy 9 times out of 10, she complained whenever he fed her something new, but always admitted to loving everything when he asked.
She was a bit of light in his new apartment.
And that had been a surprise. Sick of the conitations in the loft, and the sense of loneliness, he’d moved not long after being fully reinstated as a firefighter.
It had been a bittersweet day, packing away Chris’ drawings, photos of the 118 together, memories from before the accident.
But at the same time it was freeing. Those mementos now sat in the bottom of his hallway closet, behind the vacuum cleaner.
“You’ve got a new neighbour?” Maddie asked, leaning forward.
He nodded but didn’t elaborate.
“Well I’m making roast chicken. With mash and corn.”
All of it would contain an animal product, so he shook his head. “I brought my own dinner thanks.” The bell went off saving him from the continued awkward atmosphere, and he leapt to his feet and jogged down the stairs.
Even that had changed. Once he would have made sure to say goodbye to Maddie and Athena, but now he kept things professional and light.
And he was finding that he wasn’t disliking the changes. It made him feel more grounded. Less of a wildcard. Being part of a team rather than a family was helping him heal.
He just needed them all to realise it and start to treat him like a coworker.
…
For the first time in too long, Eddie dropped into the bed next to Bucks. During the shitshow that was his start back at work, he’d taken to haunting the bunk in the corner, and he’d kept the same when everyone decided he’d been forgiven.
It made it easier to keep to himself, and meant that he could read in peace when others were asleep.
Buck pretended not to notice Eddie, waiting the man out. He didn’t have to wait long, Eddie had never been particularly patient.
“You want to come round after our shift, have a beer, watch a movie with Chris?”
Buck was getting sick of having to fend off the team. Especially when all he’d wanted during his off time was to have the team around him.
But their attitudes had soured his love for them.
“Cant tonight, I’ve got a date with my bed and a pizza.”
“You could sleep on the couch, and we could get pizza.”
“That’s okay, but thanks for the offer.”
Eddie sat and continued to look at him for a moment before he sighed and lay down to nap.
Buck had a feeling that he was a going to have to deal with this later.
…
And he was correct.
“Why don’t you want to do anything with the team anymore?”
Buck sighed, putting his book down and looking at the table of people who were all watching him. All throughout dinner they’d taken turns keeping an eye on him, and it was wearing thin.
“Because I gave a life outside of work?”
It landed how he’d intended, hurt rippling through their faces.
“And that’s great, but you can spend time with us too,” Bobby pushed.
“I know. But I’m pretty happy with how things are going right now.”
Hen leaned forward, and he could predict who would come after her. Chimney, then Eddie.
“Why don’t you tell us when you’re free and we’ll organise something then,” Hen suggested. The look on her face was sad.
“That’s okay, again I’m pretty happy keeping to a co-worker only relationship.”
“What,” Chim asked, “you pushed and pushed to come back, worked to regain our trust and now you can’t be bothered. What’s going on with you?”
“I thought I’d been pretty clear, I want to keep our relationship purely professional. I don’t want to hang out outside of work, I have my own friends that I want to spend time with, and I don’t want to help cook anymore.”
“But we’re your friends! And what about Chris, he misses you!” To no surprise Eddie was pissed.
“Chris isn’t my kid. I love Chris; I’ll always be fond of him. But you made sure to show me that I have no rights to him. And that’s okay, I’m not his parent, you are. But I’m not going to insert myself into his life just for you to get mad at me again and use him to hurt me. It’s not fair to me, and it’s not fair to him.”
For a second Buck thought it would go over Eddie’s head. But the forced therapy with Frank was helping. It appeared his words had taken root.
Buck was sure that he would be the main topic of conversation during his next therapy session. And that was fine. It wouldn’t affect him.
A huff came from down the table. It seemed that Maddie was ready to hear some truths too.
“Buck, we’re your family. If you want to spend some time away that’s fine, but don’t take us for granted.”
Even Hen seemed shocked at the somewhat condescending words. Buck was used to it though. Had grown to know the Maddie who thought she was welcome to any and all things Buck.
“You’re not my family though Mads. I know you don’t want to hear it, but we haven’t been family since I was 10 years old. You left, and you had to live your life, I know that. But you were my parent. You were the one who taught me to read, and how to ride a bike. You cooked me dinner, and tucked me into bed.”
Around the table the team was looking surprised and distraught. After all they wouldn’t know any of this. The Buckley motto of ‘avoid and be quiet’ was clear.
“But then one day I came home from school and you were gone. No goodbye, no way to contact you. And when you came back to visit you didn’t really want anything to do with me. I tried, so hard. I asked our parents for you address, and them giving it to me might be the only kind thing they ever did. But you barley ever responded to me. And then I ran into you at the hospital after I’d been in an accident. You gave me the keys to your Jeep, and reignited some hope in my heart.”
He took a big breath, chasing it with a sip of water. Years of anger and hurt and confusion were pouring out.
“But then nothing, for years. And you clearly didn’t read most of my letters, because you don’t know anything about me. If I hadn’t sent you one last postcard, my last attempt at contact, you never would have found me at Abby’s apartment. But since then you’ve not made much effort to be part of my life.”
“Evan, I tried-“
Buck didn’t let her continue. He was going to get this off his chest finally.
“I don’t know why I was surprised that you didn’t support me during my lawsuit, but that was the last straw for me. I’ve spent more of my life without you than I have with you. I tried hard to make room for you in my life, but you didn’t do the same.”
Maddie was crying, quiet but no less forcefully. The sudden history lesson had caused ripples in the room. It seemed that hearing how shit Maddie had been to him throughout his life was upsetting for the 118.
Even Chimney seemed shocked and dismayed to learn that the woman he thought he knew, wasn’t quite what she appeared.
“What happened after Maddie left?” Chimney asked. It was clear he was readying himself to hear something horrible.
“Not a lot. We lived close enough to school that I could get myself there and back each day. Our parents gave me pocket money, and I used that to buy clothes and school supplies. Life was quiet, but I had a roof over my head, and food in my belly most days. I just didn’t have someone to hold my hand when I was scared, or wish me happy birthday, or attend my school functions. It was like I lived with flatmates who were never home.”
Maddie made a little chocked noise, and he saw Chimneys hand move to rest over her hand. But it didn’t look supportive, rather, warning.
“Once I hit High School I got an after school job, and taught myself to drive. I spent weeks on end not seeing my parents, but by that time I was old enough that I could feed myself. And I had enough friends that when the silence got too loud I could stay with someone. My upbringing wasn’t the worst, I was just lonely. Like a ghost in my own house.”
Maddie looked like she was readying to say something again, but Chimney urged her out of her seat, “I’m going to take Maddie home now. I’m so sorry Buck, about everything.”
Buck nodded to the other man. Keeping his eyes on Maddie, it seemed that the attention was culling her temper. She was meek as Chimney lead her down the stairs.
“That’s horrible Buck,” Hen said the moment the couple were out of sight. “I don’t know how you’re such a good guy, with that upbringing.”
“Spite. Nature over nurture. Luck.”
She huffed out a sad laugh.
“You’ve got us now Baby,” Athena said.
Bobby nodded. “I know we always joked about it, but we really do feel like your family.”
He wished he could take that. But he just didn’t trust that they would do what was best for him. The aftermath of the bombing had shown that they were more hung up on their wants and needs. And his had been put on the back burner.
And he deserved better than that. He deserved people who put him first, who loved him for the man he was. And Bobby had shown him time after time that that wasn’t them.
“I appreciate the offer, but I’m okay. I’ve lived this long without a family, and I’m happy to continue like this until I start my own family one day.”
Buck tried to be nice, he didn’t know if it was because he didn’t want to hurt them, not after everything. Or if he just didn’t trust Bobby to take it out on him.
“But you don’t have to now,” Bobby argued.
“I do. I want to. You’re so busy trying to get back what you had that you don’t see me. Sometimes on calls you hold me back from dangerous situations, or berate me when I’m just doing my job. That’s your fear leading you. I used to think that was normal, but I’ve learnt better. The lawsuit came around because you put your wants and needs above my own. Not only did you nearly tank my career, but I could have died from clots caused from a desk job.”
He finished his water, their shift was nearly over and he wasn’t staying late.
“I’m prioritising myself, and I’m sorry if that upsets you all, but my health, happiness and job security is too important to me.”
He’d never expected to see Athena with tears in her eyes in response to something he’d said, but there she was. Bobby was almost worst, face white and aged with deep sadness.
“I hope that this won’t affect my place here Bobby, but if needed I’ll put in for a transfer.”
“I am so sorry Buck,” Bobby croaked. It was clear that the last sentence had almost laid the man flat. “I would never do anything to jeopardise your career.”
“Again,” Eddie added. It seemed that he’d finally come down on Bucks side. Too bad it was too late.
Buck clapped his hands together quietly. “I’m off. I hope this has cleared things up.”
But Eddie calls out. “Are you happy keeping separate from us all?”
Buck nodded. “I am. Everyone’s reactions around the lawsuit really changed how I viewed my relationships here.” He doesn’t specify further, just packed his stuff and headed down the stairs and away from the chaos he’d caused.
He felt better. Lighter.