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“Bob, you do NOTHING for us!”
Yelena’s scream shredded the edges of her voice, shaking the earth around her. She was walking on a street, or a tile floor, or maybe it was shifting into carpet.. Her charge was fierce, with fists clenched at her side and eyebrows setting her face into a determined rage, boots pounding closer until she was suddenly frozen in place. She gasped as she watched her hand start to peel away, and her arm was soon clouded in nothingness. Her eyebrows shot up high and panic quickly set in. She could only witness helplessly as her figure slowly faded into a growing void of black, pulling her apart as she shrieked and tried to flail.
“Wh-what is this? What are you doing to me?! Bo-” Silence.
Ava stood next, flickering away and back again, but her eyes remained. They were bloodshot and unblinking; a stinging stare fixed forward as her body rattled with fear.
“I knew all you would do is hurt us. I never trusted you. I never cared about you. I should’ve stopped this all sooner. I shh-” Her next words were muffled as her mouth was enveloped in his darkness. In each of her flashes, one part of her disappeared. Her eyes were the last to go; her resenting, petrified eyes..
Alexei was further down the street, or tile floor, or empty space… He looked around in confusion, examining the black fumes of nothing as it crawled up his legs. When he looked up, his expression was only sad.
“You are not nice, Bob. You are not hero. You don’t belong with the Thunderbolts team. It is a shame.”
He closed his eyes as he was covered in black.
Bucky was motionless, with just his cold stare and frown. He didn’t say a word. The void surrounded him, captured him, and pushed past him without a sound.
John was shaking his head and backing away before the darkness touched him. His teeth were clenched and shield at the ready.
“You screwed us over, Bob! From the beginning! Don’t you think we all had enough to deal with without having to save you every damn time? You’re nothing Bob. You know that. Everyone knows that.” As he spoke dark cracks appeared in his shield until it shattered. He threw his hands up in the air, and kept shaking his head, disgust written across his face. Then he was gone.
But the void kept going. It stretched on, endlessly rolling in waves over cars and people, then tile and tables, then buildings. It traveled faster and faster and grew larger than life, curling around the edges of the building, the room, the street, the city -
“Fuck.”
Bob shot up in bed with a gasp. His heart raced like pattering rain as he blinked rapidly awake. He tried to gasp for more air, but the breaths that came were short and shallow. He kept blinking in the dark and could start to make out the shape of his wall, the blanket, his trembling hands.
“No no no, no no no.”
He ran his hands frantically through his hair, his nails digging into his scalp. His vision was blurry, and the pitch black of the room kept him trapped in the nightmare. Darkness choked him, and Ava’s eyes seared through the haunting scene. He had to get up and get out.
His hand caught hold of the doorknob after stumbling blindly across the room, and he slowly opened the door, tiptoed forward and closed it carefully behind him. Even in the hurried haze, he tried to be sure not to wake anyone. With no idea where he was going, he wandered til he wound up halfway down the silver stairs of the Avengers Tower. The railing was cold on his fingers, and a large window brought in dozens of spots of light from the city. He squeezed the rail and squinted at the sight and tried to bring himself back down as he descended the stairs, but voices were still crowding his head like incessantly chirping crickets, overlapping and ringing in his ears.
“You don’t belong.”
“You destroy everything you touch.”
“They hate you. They don’t need you.”
“You don’t do anything for them except put everyone in danger.”
“You’re nothing, Bob. Everyone knows that.”
“What are you doing, Bob?”
“Bob!”
“Bob.”
“Bob - “
The distinct sound of the refrigerator door closing below him stopped his tiptoeing tracks. He slowly stepped down one stair at a time and leaned over the railing to see Bucky in the kitchen. A dish clanked against the counter and a cabinet door shut as he moved about the space calmly. Bob froze in place and stared. He watched as Bucky took two slices of bread from a bag and began to put together a sandwich. Tomatoes, ham, lettuce -
“Bob, is it you up there?” Bucky’s low voice echoed across the room and made Bob jump. He hadn’t looked up to say it, and continued to make his sandwich.
Shit. His chest was still heavy with the beating of his heart, his lungs relentless in their ragged breaths, but he couldn't just turn and go back up the stairs, or stay frozen in place. So, he tried his very best to gain enough composure to appear casual.
“Yeah - “ His voice cracked at first and noise barely escaped so he cleared his throat and tried again.
“Um, yeah, I was just on my way down.”
He clambered down the rest of the stairs, his attempt at quiet abandoned, and walked briskly past the window and across the smooth floor towards the counter. He held his hands in front of him to try and stop the shaking, wringing them and messing with the ends of his sleeves as he approached one of the cabinets. Everything was blurry and his legs quaked beneath him. He was reminded of Bucky’s presence when a flash of a gray sweatshirt beside him moved, opening the fridge to put lunch meat back inside it.
He wondered what time it was. Two, three AM? He should’ve guessed Bucky would be awake for some reason.
“Um, I’m just… Just grabbing a snack, and then I’ll go back up.” He mumbled under his breath, his voice weak.
“Mmm. Okay.”
More shuffling behind him. All he had to do was reach for the cabinet, open the cabinet, grab a snack. Reach for the cabinet.. his hands were shaking so bad. The knob was swimming in front of him. He heard Bucky grunt something to him, but it didn’t reach his ears. Everything was fuzzy. He took another step, and then lost his balance. His hands reached forward instinctively and slammed against the cabinet as his weight crashed into the wood. Panic broke into full gear inside his chest and lungs as spots dotted his vision.
Not a couple of seconds later, he was startled by the feeling of arms around him. He tried to jerk away, but the grip of one hand on his shoulder and a metal hand on his arm was firm and steady. He gave in and let the arms pull him away from the cabinet, and soon he was being guided around the counter. He watched the marble floor beneath him pass by, and he struggled for gasps of air, as if underwater and lost in looking for the surface.
Once he had sunken into a chair, the hands holding onto him loosened in their grip. Then he was looking at a white counter. The hands were gone, and a flash of gray passed back and forth behind the sea of white. A cup was in his hands now, a third hand holding it in place. Water. It was ice cold and brought warmth to his body. He forced himself to take another sip, then two, and three. There was still a hand on his shoulder. Words were being said to him, he could tell, but he was still underwater. The cup left his hands and there was a clack of it hitting the counter.
“…..ob…..y….nee……b…..Bo…..BOB.”
His eyes finally followed the sound, up from the gray sweatshirt and into Bucky’s eyes.
“There we go. Bob. Keep looking at me. I’m gonna need you to breathe.”
The tight feeling rose higher in his chest and his gaze shifted away as he swallowed hard and shook his head. He wanted to scream. He’d been trying to breathe. He couldn’t breathe. He was a mess. Everything was a mess… The void was choking him, it was choking Bucky, and breaking John’s shield, and growing…
“… no no, hey.”
Bucky placed his hand right above Bob’s knee, with his other hand still rested on his opposite shoulder, both heavy and unmoving. His face was now level with Bob’s and slightly closer, gray eyes trained on his.
“You gotta look at me, Bob. I don’t know where you keep going, but we’re right here. You and me. In the kitchen. Stay with me.”
The sound of the words was getting clearer and his vision less blurry than before. He trained his eyes on Bucky’s, ignoring the floor or counter or his own shaking hands.
“That’s it. Right here. Now slow down.”
A tapping began on his shoulder; two metal fingers gently forming a constant beat.
“Breathe low. In. Then out. In. Out. Look at me. In and out. You got it.”
At first the breaths were still gasps, and then they were small. He battled against the storm in his lungs, taking in a little bit more air at a time until eventually, finally, his breathing did slow. He counted in his head to the persistent beat of the tapping fingers. He counted and kept his eyes fixed on Bucky’s and breathed for what felt like a very long time.
“Better?”
He nodded and looked down. His hands were only twitching now quietly, but the shaking had quelled.
“Okay. You need to eat.”
He felt the weight of Bucky’s hands leave as he walked away and started sifting through cabinets. The thought did not ease him as he felt his stomach churning with an anxious fire, and the queasy feeling only intensified as various foods were set in front of him.
A banana, a box of cereal, applesauce, a box of graham crackers. The crackers and cereal naturally had the New Avengers team pictured on the front. The tough faces of his teammates seemed to look right at him. Alexei, John, Bucky, Ava… her eyes were frightened and wide….
“Hey Bob, you still with me? Look at me.”
His eyes snapped up to Bucky, leaning against the counter across from him, eyebrows furrowed and eyes set on him.
“What’s it gonna be? You have to eat something. You might not be hungry, but you’re faint. Pick one.”
He looked back at the options, stomach still unsettled. But he followed the instructions and pulled the cracker box toward him.
“Crackers? Good.”
The box was lifted from his fingers and the graham crackers spilled into a bowl. With a woshh the bowl slid towards him. He stared down at it for a minute or two, and then picked up a cracker and nibbled. After he didn’t throw up the first cracker, he ate another. At the other end of the counter, Bucky finally started eating his sandwich. They ate together in silence, and as his head started to clear and the room felt real again, guilt began to creep in.
“I, um…”
Bucky paused and looked up.
“Th-thanks. And I’m sorry. That was a lot.”
The remaining half of the sandwich was set aside and Bucky leaned against his elbows on the counter.
“How are you feeling? Lightheaded anymore? Breathing back to normal?”
He nodded. “I’m fine.”
“I don’t know about that. You were pretty worked up there.”
“I’m sorry-”
“Don’t be sorry. Did something happen or is this just a normal Tuesday night for you?”
He shrugged. “Is this what you usually do at night?”
A smirk tugged at Bucky’s lips. “I go for a midnight snack a lot, yeah. I’ve never been the easiest sleeper either. But out of this group I figure I won’t be judged for it.”
Bob looked back down at his hands and returned to fidgeting with his sleeves. He wanted to be comfortable here, but he knew he didn’t belong. What was he even doing here? At two AM, breaking down in front of Bucky, and with nothing to show for it. He was the worst person in the world to be grouped together and living with a super team of assassins and soldiers; he could barely handle his own existence.
“Hey. Still with me?” Bucky asked him again softly.
“Y-you um.. you said you can’t sleep sometimes. Do you ever get, like, nightmares, or that kind of thing?”
Silence for a moment, then, “Yeah. I do. Not as much anymore, but it used to happen all the time.” He sighed before continuing. “I mean, it’s not surprising. I was under the control of Hydra for years. I killed so many people, and I couldn’t tell you a thing about half of them. There’s no way that doesn’t haunt you. During the day, too, but then there are distractions. At night it’s out of my control again, and I’m reminded of everyone I’ve ever hurt. Maybe that’s why I stay awake.”
Bob let the answer sink in. He knew about Bucky’s past, but he didn’t talk about it all that much. There both of them were, though, both refusing to sleep and for not so different reasons. He hadn’t expected that. He’d viewed Bucky as far too strong and indestructible for him to connect to.
“Every single person on this team has things that they’ve done or seen or been through that keep them up at night. There’s no erasing it. There is some way of making up for it, and that’s what we’re trying to do right now by helping people, or so I can believe. As far as coping with it.. For me, it’s sandwiches at two A.M. For you? I don’t know. That’s for you to figure out, but I do know that you’re not alone in anything you feel. We’re all feeling it too, all the time. Just remember that, yeah?”
“I’m not.. I’m not like you guys. I don’t… I’m not brave. I can’t do the things you do. I’m just.. here.”
“Bob, I watched you fight off your own demons in real time, even though they were powerful enough to swallow the city whole. I think that takes a hell of a lot of courage. You’re brave, but you don’t have to prove that to be here.”
“It’s.. before that, though, I… the void it… I destroyed so much. All of you went through so much pain. It’s all because of me. I don’t help I just.. I make things worse.”
He didn’t know why the words were all tumbling out to Bucky in the moment. Maybe because Bucky had talked about his own issues, or maybe because he needed Bucky to understand how worthless he was, and then he would stop being so kind to him. His voice had caught on the last word, and now tears built up behind his eyes. God, he was pathetic.
“It wasn’t you, Bob. It was the scariest parts of your mind taking form. All that damage the void did, it wasn’t you. The void isn’t you. It isn’t you.”
He’d sensed the dam about to break before it did, but he fought with it still, angrily swiping the tears away as they fell and looking anywhere but at Bucky and his knowing stare.
“No, you don’t understand, I’m not… I’m… I can’t…”
“Bob.”
“Stop it! You don’t even know who I am! I-I’m broken!” The tears were a rainstorm now, and he shook as he shouted at Bucky, refusing to meet his eye.
“You don’t know, you just don’t know! I’ve been in and out of rehab since I was so young, but I can’t stay in one place, and I can’t fix myself, and I’m not of any use to anyone else! I’m not a superhero, I’m barely a person. You don’t know, you don’t get it, you have to stop!”
“No. I’m not going to stop. You deserve to be taken care of when you’re a wreck, no matter how ugly it is, no matter how low you are. You deserve patience and you deserve love. Everyone on the team would agree. They love you, Bob. They haven’t known you that long, but it doesn’t matter. They’ve seen exactly who you are, all the broken parts, and they love you. You don’t need to be a hero for that to be true. No one expects that of you.”
The words seeped into his skin and his chest as tears poured down, until sobs escaped, ripping through his lungs and rippling through his body despite his efforts to stop.
“I can’t do this, I…. I’ve never… I… I’ve never had this before.”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry you’ve never been loved wholly. It’s not fair. You should’ve been treated better. But it’s not too late. It’s never too late.”
He gave in to a hopeless battle and the sobs took hold. His eyes were blurred by streaming tears. He heard Bucky approach him. This time when his figure came near, he first glanced up at his eyes. They weren’t cold or menacing, pitiful or disappointed. They were calm. Then, he let himself fall into the gray of his sweatshirt. He felt strong arms wrap around him, and he was held together as he cried.
Heavy sobs eventually turned to small, quiet ones, and the last of his tears sank into the soft fabric of Bucky’s sweatshirt. He lifted his head and wiped his nose with the end of his sleeve. Bucky let him go slowly and sat down in the chair next to him. They sat without a word for a minute, and Bob began to fidget again. He braced himself for what Bucky would say next. A lecture, maybe, or telling him he’d crossed a line. Or maybe they’d sit there awkwardly all night.
“How do you feel about baking something? I could go for dessert.”
Bob looked up, taken aback. Bucky’s face was stone serious as always.
“I-I mean, I guess. I don’t know…”
He looked back at his glass of water and re-examined the bowl of graham crackers in front of him.
“We could make a cheesecake.”
He glanced back at Bucky for approval, who shrugged and stood from his chair, grabbing the box of graham crackers.
“Sounds good to me.”
So they did. Bucky found and gathered ingredients while Bob crushed the graham crackers and stirred together the filling. The repetitive motions were soothing, and the quiet ambience of the two of them in the kitchen was not so suffocating as silence.
Once the cheesecake was in the oven, they set to cleaning and putting ingredients back.
“God, you’d think after only a couple of weeks of living here the cabinets wouldn’t be such a mess. What is some of this?”
Bob peered into another cabinet cautiously, and cracking the door open caused a couple of cans to tumble out. He picked one up and spinned it around in his hand. Baked beans - branded with a New Avengers label. Probably courtesy of Alexei.
“I don’t know. I don’t think we have anyone on this team who cares about organization very much.”
Bucky sighed. “Well, someone’s gotta keep the place running.” He started taking packages of cookies off the shelf, then boxes of noodles (most likely for Yelena’s macaroni), and pretzels and chips.
“Okay, we’ll have a shelf for cans, and a shelf for cereal in that cabinet, and the bags can go in this one.”
Bucky sorted the piles, plopping things down in between sighs, and pointed at where each item that Bob dug out of the cabinet was supposed to go. Soon the kitchen looked like more of a mess than it started, but Bob was intent on sorting each shelf of items together like a puzzle. His focus was unwavering.. That was, until he smelled smoke.
“Um…” He turned to Bucky, who froze in place and turned toward the oven. A minute later the blaring high pitched beep of the smoke alarm was panging in their ears.
“Shit.”
“Fuck.”
“Urghhh.”
“We burnt it, didn’t we?”
Bucky had the oven open now, and was waving the smoke away aggressively.
“Yup, pretty sure we did.” He had to raise his voice to be heard over the beeping as he set the cheesecake on the stovetop, and Bob inched closer so they could both examine it.
“The crust is burnt.”
“I mean the inside looks okay, so we have that at least.”
“It looked like it was dripping too.”
“We maybe did something wrong. I bet we didn’t seal the pan right.”
“Well I don’t know how to fucking make a cheesecake. And it’s 3 A.M.”
“It’s the best we could do, honestly.”
“Mm. Could’ve been worse.”
“What are you two idiots doing?!” Yelena shouted from the staircase as footsteps pounded down it.
“SMOKE! THERE IS SMOKE! FIRE! EVERYBODY GET TO SAFETY!” Alexei charged down the steps and paused once he reached the bottom, looking around in confusion.
“Relax, daddy, there is no fire. Only idiots.”
“Guys why?! Just why?!” Ava trailed behind Yelena as she marched into the kitchen.
“What did you two burn?” She pushed past Bucky and looked at the pan, then did a double take back to the counter with piles of packaged food still littered across it.
“We..um.. We made a cheesecake.”
“But got sidetracked.”
“I can see that.”
“Will somebody make that goddamned noise stop??!” Ava shouted as she covered her ears and stared daggers towards the three standing in front of the stove.
“Hey, don’t look at me, I am not associated with them.” Yelena raised her hands and walked back around the counter, shaking her head in exasperation.
“LOOK AT THIS! WE ARE ALL HERE!! IT IS A NIGHT TIME FAMILY MEETING. WE CAN FIGHT THE FIRE TOGETHER!” Alexei exclaimed.
“Daddy, I told you, there is no fire.”
“Um, and we’re not all here.” Bob piped up from his spot leaning against the cabinets, where he had been attempting to sink away from the sudden attention.
“You are very right, Bob. I was so focused on these two idiots, I did not make room in my mind for the other one.”
“Yeah, where is John??!” Ava yelled, still holding her hands to her ears.
As if on cue, loud, slow, thumps of footsteps made their way down the steps. Everyone paused and heads turned toward the sound even as the shrill beeping continued. With a thud John came down from the last step and stood, staring at the scene, or into the distance, it was hard to tell. His eyes were half open, and his hair was sticking up all over the place. He wore long sleeved matching dark blue pajamas, with slippers to compliment the look, and his mouth was set into a tight line.
“Well, one good thing came out of all this; John’s unhappy!” Ava smiled this time as she raised her voice over the alarm, and Yelena’s laugh soon echoed off the walls.
“JOHN! YOU HAVE JOINED US! NOW WE HAVE THE WHOLE FAMILY!”
“Tired, John?” Bucky pitched in.
“We…” Yelena was bent over the counter and spoke in between gasps of breaths.
“Interrupted…. His… beauty rest!” She dissolved into glee, looking back over at him every now and then and turning away.
John did not move an inch in response. He stood far away from the rest of the group with his eyes still glazed over but his eyebrows furrowed now with a bubbling anger.
Yelena wiped away tears as she finally lifted her head from the counter.
“Oh, that put me in a better mood. Now, while we are awake, I am going to eat some of this cheesecake.”
She brushed past Bucky again and inspected the pan sitting atop the stove.
“Um, you know, the crust is burnt, so..”
Yelena waved Bob’s comment aside.
“It doesn’t look that bad.”
She spun back around to face the team.
“Who else wants a piece?”
Bob got out the paper plates and napkins, and Bucky sliced even pieces. The team gathered close around the counter, bickering over who should get served first. Meanwhile, John was tasked with turning off the smoke alarm. He stood on a ladder he had dragged out of one of the closets and struggled, muttering curses every couple of minutes. (“Why won’t this goddamn fucking thing turn off?!”)
“This actually isn’t the worst thing I’ve ever tasted, guys. It was almost a good job.” Ava remarked in between bites. The beep of the alarm continued to sound as they chewed, and Ava took occasional pauses from eating to cover her ears again and shoot an angry look in John’s direction.
Bob couldn’t help but agree as he tasted his finished product. It could’ve been not burnt, but it wasn’t horrible. He looked around at the team and everyone, surprisingly, seemed fairly content, despite avoiding most of the crust.
“Sorry, guys, for waking you all up. I was, well, we were just, um…”
“Both awake, and in the mood for some late night cooking.” Bucky cut in. Bob met his eyes and he nodded back at him.
“IT IS OKAY, BOB. IT WAS AN ADVENTURE!”
Bob flinched as Alexei clamped his hand down onto his shoulder.
“WE NEED TO BE SHAKEN OUT OF OUR SLUMBERS SOMETIMES TO GREET THE DAY!”
Bob shrank down at his side but gave him a small smile. Across from him, he met Yelena’s gaze, now centered on him. A tight feeling began to rise again in his chest as he could feel the rest of the team’s stares shift closer. He wondered what his face looked like; if his cheeks were splotched with red, or his eyes wet and puffy. He wanted to shake away the ghost of panic and tears that likely lingered all over him, but all he could do was stand there and let himself be observed.
“We don’t mind too much, Bob. Dad is right; it is all for the better, because now we are here. And there’s cheesecake!”
“And John was sleepy!”
“That too. We love you Bob.”
“OH YES, EVERYBODY LOVES BOB!”
Alexei’s voice boomed straight into his ear, and a new silence followed it. They all looked around and Ava slowly brought her hands down from her ears with a sigh of relief.
“I fucking did it! It stopped! Yes!” John hollered and cheered from afar. Yelena rolled her eyes before returning to scrutinizing Bob with that look of hers.
“If we don’t say it enough, you should know that we mean it.”
“Yeah, Bob, whatever’s wrong, we’re here too. To eat cheesecake or anything else.” Ava smiled at him, and her eyes were not menacing or terrified. They were happy.
Then he glanced over at Bucky, who was leaning against the counter with his arms crossed, and looking right back at him. He raised his eyebrows and shrugged, then low and quiet, came an “I told you.”
With Alexei’s hand on his shoulder and the rest of his friends surrounding him, Bob let out a long breath and a smile made its way across his face. For once, the voices faded and the real faces of the team replaced the cruel ones from his dreams.
Later that morning, Bob went back to bed. This time, he fell fast asleep, and wasn’t bothered by any nightmares at all.