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When he was little Baku tried to run away.
He remembers that day clearly, every single important and none important detail. He remembers how cold it was, how his shoes sounded when they hit the floor as he ran, how heavy his backpack had felt even after he had left some things behind.
Baku remembers how earlier that day it had been raining, so when he ran past the grass he could feel the mushy sound the ground let out.
At the time his mom had just died and his dad was too busy getting drunk to care for Baku. He doesn’t really remember everything that happened that night, just that he and his dad had gotten in a fight, his dad got physical and Baku decided he was going to leave.
He packed his things — very poorly — and in doing so decided that there was one thing he couldn’t leave without, because if he was leaving forever he had to take the most important part of him.
Of course, to a ten-year-old Baku, this meant having the brilliant idea of breaking into what he thought was Baekjin’s mansion. He ran all the way to his house in the dead of night. When he finally got there he climbed up and hoped he wouldn’t end up in Baekjin’s parents’ room.
That was how he found out that Baekjin didn’t have parents, and that his mansion was not a mansion, but an orphanage.
This to little Baku had felt like a horrible betrayal.
He truly believed that Baekjin did not care about him in the same way if he didn’t share everything with him. Because Baku shared everything with Baekjin, that was part of being best friends! So if Baekjin didn’t share that, then the only reason is that Baekjin does not see Baku as his best friend.
Now that he thinks back to it he can see that he was being more than a little overdramatic, but at the time it felt like the biggest betrayal. He shared everything with Baekjin, told him all his secrets and problems. So for him to keep something so big from Baku, it made him feel horrible.
So instead of running away, he went back home. Sulking the entire way back.
In his mind, he had decided that he did not want to go anywhere with Baekjin, but also that there was no point in leaving if he didn’t have Baekjin with him. When he got home he had been so determined to not talk to Baekjin the next day, if he wanted to talk to Baku then he would have to figure out why Baku was mad.
Naturally, that didn’t last long.
See there was one big flaw in Baku’s plan. He was not nearly as strong willed as he thought when it came to his best friend. Even when he thought he was angry at Baekjin, he could never feel actual anger.
So when Monday came and Baekjin found his way to Baku at the school gate, smiling at him and waving, Baku acted just as he always did, conviction immediately breaking at the sight of the other boy.
That pretty much sums up how he feels about Na Baekjin.
At the time he had felt disappointed in himself, at the fact that Baekjing had only needed to look at him and Baku would lose his composure. But now, he realizes that it was just one of the earlier signs that Baku was in love with Baekjin.
Even now he was so utterly in love with Baekjin, that Baku couldn’t imagine existing without those feelings. Even on days when they felt too big for his heart.
The two boys had known each other their entire lives and had gone through so much together. Baku can't think of a moment where they have had to be separated for more than a weekend— and even that was too much for Baku to handle.
He knows it sounds needy, clingy, and way overdependent. It’s just that… Baku doesn’t feel whole without Baekjin.
Yes of course, he has other people in his life that he loves and that are extremely important to him. He knows he has wonderful friends he could rely on, and that love him. But, with Baekjin, it’s like a piece of his heart is missing when he’s not by him—like he’s walking around with blood spilling out of him but no one seems to notice.
Which sounds dramatic, he’s aware of that. Regardless, it still stands true.
Baku has long since acknowledged that there wasn’t a single thing he didn’t love about his best friend.
He loved the way he looked when he studied —yes, even when he got grumpy at the slightest interruption— loved the way his eyes looked when he smiled, a real full smile that lit up his entire face. He loved the way he looked when he fought, how confident he was now after so long of being afraid. He especially loved the amount of trust his best friend had in Baku.
There wasn't one single thing he didn’t love about him.
He loved and he loved and he loved.
And, along with that love, he longed. Yearned for the day Baekjin would realize that Baku loved him.
Baku has tried to confess before—but every time he failed, too scared of the possibility of rejection. Not because he thought Baekjin would stop being his friend, of course not. He knew that the other boy would always want Baku in his life. No, it was because he was afraid of making things awkward or uncomfortable.
He couldn’t stand the idea of making his best friend uncomfortable. Of taking everything they have and turning it into something less.
So he always ended up second-guessing himself and deciding that having Baekjin in any way was better than not having him at all.
1.
The first time he had ever tried to confess to Baekjin was when they were 16.
It was around the time where he finally realized that he was in love with Baekjin. Really, it was a mystery how it had taken so long for him to realize that he was in love with Baekjin. He probably wouldn’t have at all — or not at that time — if it weren’t for Suho.
Suho, who was also in love with his best friend. Suho, who was very obvious about his love for Sieun to a point where no one really understood how they weren’t already together. Suho… who Baku maybe shouldn’t have made fun of as much as he did.
One of the many times that Baku made a loud obnoxious joke about how pathetically in love Suho was with Sieun, Suho just turned around and loudly declared that Baku shouldn’t speak about being pathetically in love with someone when he followed Baekjin around like a lost puppy.
Baku’s immediate reaction was to laugh it off and tell him that he was just projecting.
Despite pretending to not understand what Suho was talking about he spent the entire day thinking back to what he said.
Could he really be in love with Baekjin? No, right? He would have noticed it if he was. But, the more he thought about it the more it made sense. Baku could hardly stand going an hour without having news of Baekjin, even if it wasn’t a constant string of texts or anything like that. He missed him all the time, even when they were right next to each other. Of course, he also thought Baekjin was the prettiest person he had ever seen.
No girl or guy could compare to how pretty his best friend was. But Baku thought that that was just something everyone thought. Afterall, how could someone meet Baekjin and not think that he’s the prettiest person around?
So naturally, it wasn’t something that he had thought about too hard.
Now that he has he’s starting to realize that maybe… maybe, that’s not a normal thing to feel about someone who is just your friend.
After sitting with the thought for all of three days he decides that the only way to move is forward, right? If he feels so much for Baekjin, then Baekjin also has to feel the same for him. Yeah, that makes sense.
So he makes up an elaborate plan to confess. Flowers, music, everything. He’s going to have it. And, despite his friends —yes, all of them except for Baekjin — warnings, he comes to the decision that he should do it after his last basketball game of the season.
That way everyone would know how much they love each other.
When the day comes, and his plan is all set in motion, he backs out.
No because he wants to, or because he thinks it was a bad idea to do it during the game, but because on his way to the changing rooms he sees Baekjin and a guy from his class next to each other. Which wouldn’t be a problem, if it weren’t for the fact that the guy has a bouquet of flowers in his hands, stretched out for Baekjin to take.
From where he stands he can’t hear whatever it is they say. No. He just sees, clear as day, how Baekjin smiles, reaches a hand, and takes the bouquet.
Baku leaves after that, heart beating fast against his ribs.
He plays like shit that day. Throws the ball out of bounds, misses a shot, and accidentally bumps into one of his teammates causing them to sprain an ankle. Of course, his team loses which earns him a week of extra practice despite the season being over, not to mention the glares everyone in his team throws at him.
When the game is over Baekjin walks over to him —bouquet nowhere in sight— and asks what was wrong. Baku lies obviously. Says that he wasn't feeling well. Which only earns him a scolding from Baekjin for “Not taking proper care of himself”.
Afterwards Baekjin walks him home, still no bouquet. They get something to eat and sit at a park bench watching the leaves fall.
The entire time the only thing Baku can think about is that damn bouquet. If the dumb guy asked out Baekjin, and Baekjin took the stupid flowers then they were dating now. So why was Baekjin here with him instead of with his boyfriend? Just thinking about it made Baku mad.
“Aren’t you supposed to be somewhere else?”
Baekjin turns around to look at him, eyes slightly wide, “Huh?”
“With your boyfriend,” he tries to say the word in a normal, civilized way. As most friends would when talking about their —just— friend's significant other. Instead the word comes out harsh and petulant.
Baekjin snorts, “What are you talking about Humin-ah?”
“You know… the guy you were talking to earlier.”
Baekjin stares for a second, “Him?” Then bursts out laughing, “God I’m not dating him.” He’s clutching his stomach, loud laughter rolling out of his mouth.
He looks so good like that. Completely care free and happy. Baku wishes he would get to see him more like that. Even if another part of him is happy that it doesn’t happen often because
“You aren’t?”
Baekjin looks back at him, “Why would I be?”
“He gave you flowers.”
“I’m not dating some guy just because he gave me flowers.” Baekjin says, rolling his eyes. “Plus, he’s not really my type.”
“Oh”
And that was that. Baekjin doesn’t bring him up or any other guy, and Baku never asks what his type is despite how bad he wnats to know.
2.
The second time he tried to confess he had planned it out perfectly. He would take Baekjin out on a small road trip that led to a museum the boy really wanted to go to.
It wasn’t much of his vibe but he wanted to do something Baekjin would enjoy. So in the spirit of Baekjin getting into the program he wanted and them deciding on getting an apartment together. He took him to an art museum.
Baekjin had talked about it a lot before, about how beautiful the exhibitions looked and how he wanted to go there one day.
So of course Baku got them tickets.
Baku drove them there after they dropped off some of their things in their new apartment. They were planning to move in more things with the help of their friends later that week so they only took the necessities.
The car ride took almost three hours and by the time they got there, Baku was more than ready to get out.
He didn’t necessarily dislike car rides but he did find them stuffy, constructing. The only reason he opted for that instead of a train or a bus was because Baekjin loved car rides.
The entire ride he would point out different plants or clouds or anything that he found interesting. When he no longer felt like talking he would just turn his head and look out the window.
And that?
That’s why Baku loved car rides even when he hated them. There was just something so comforting about Baekjin’s presence, his voice, even his quietness, that made Baku fall in love with him all over again every time.
As soon as they made it into the museum Baekjin immediately started talking about the different exhibitions. The cultural or historical significance, critique interpretations, the artists who made it, and his personal interpretation.
Baku loved seeing him like that.
He looked so at peace, so happy. Baku couldn’t help but to stare at his best friend, the way his eyes crinkled and how his face was illuminated by the bright lights and colors.
Baku's only thought was about how absolutely ethereal Baekjin looked, that he could be one of the pieces on display.
It was just so enchanting, sure he liked to joke about how much of a nerd Baekjin was, but he loved it. The way his face would change from its usual cold expression, to something warm and soft.
He loved that look on Baekjin, unrestrained, happy, his. Baku knew he was one of the few people that was allowed to see him that way.
Baku tried to tell him how he felt, but in the end, he choked up and the only words that could come out were, “Did you like it, Jin-ah?” his heart squeezing and constricting at the words.
All he kept thinking about was the possibility that maybe he got the signs wrong, and then what? What would he do if Baekjin didn’t feel the same?
Baekjin had turned around and looked at him, “I love it, thank you for bringing me,” he said, slightly tilting his head as he smiled.
And that was that.
The car ride was the same as when they went to the museum. With soft music playing in the background as Baekjin talked quietly and pointed out things. The only difference was that Baku’s throat felt dry and his eyes stung with regret.
The entire time he listened to his best friend the biggest thing in his mind was how he should have confessed.
But the more he thought about it the more he was convinced that it was right not to confess. They had just moved in together, it was going to be their first night sleeping in the same house by themselves. It would have been sooo awkward if he confessed and Baekjin said he didn’t feel the same way.
What if it made him uncomfortable? Or what if Baekjin got scared about Baku trying something? Of course he would never, and he knew Baekjin would never see him that way, but still the thought fluttered in and out of his mind.
He just couldn’t get over the idea of a life without Baekjin by his side, it was just something he couldn’t allow. Not when he’s had him for so long, when the idea of going even a day without seeing him felt like one of his limbs was being ripped away from his body.
So he didn’t say anything that time, or the next time, or the next.
And look, yes, he knows, he knows, maybe he is just exaggerating. Maybe, probably, Baekjin would say yes, because despite the many rumors, taunts, and teasing— Baku isn’t actually stupid. He knows Baekjin feels more than he lets on, he can see the way the other boy looks at him. The way his eyes go soft at the edges when he’s pretending to be annoyed.
So logically, he knows. But, all of that doesn’t make the idea of confessing any less scary.
Not when he has so much to lose on the off chance that he’s wrong. So he just couldn’t take that risk. Even if Baku would give anything for Baekjin, would do anything to make sure the other boy was happy. Had given him his entire youth without a second thought or consideration.
But, he could never give Baekjin up.
Sure, sometimes he longed for more. Some days he would sit and space out while imagining what it would feel like to have Baekjin’s hand in his.
Other days he would see his best friend, brows furrowed in concentration and a small pout forming on his lips as he painted, and Baku would think about how nice it would be to be able to reach over and kiss him whenever he thought about it.
3.
The third time he almost confessed, it wasn’t planned out like the last two. There weren’t flowers or dates. Just impulse.
It probably shouldn’t even count.
During their second semester of uni Baekjin got invited to an art exhibition. It was supposed to be for 3rd years but apparently his teacher thought he would really like it.
Baekjin, of course, wanted to go but felt uncomfortable going by himself, so he invited Baku.
Baku didn’t really know a lot about art. At least not about how to critique and engage with it in a way that Baekjin or his classmates could. But, he didn’t really feel uncomfortable either.
He never does when he’s around Baekjin.
So they go out and buy fancy clothes to prepare. They spend almost an entire day trying on different shirts, pants, and all sorts of accessories. Trying so hard to find something for the occasion.
In the end, they chose something that look a little too much like clothing.
When Baku notices how similar they look he feels him stomach twsit. It takes all the strength he has not to make a stupid comment about it because there is no way he would be able to actually treat it as a stupid comment.
They go to the exhibition. The entire time all Baku can focus on is how good Baekjin looks. Especially how good he looks matching with Baku. Image’s of a future with Baekjin flash before his eyes. Matching rings, matching suits, vows, and a lengthy speech. All with Baekjin by his side.
The images roll through his mind all night long. By the time he’s alone with Baekjin again his mind feels a little dumb and dizzy from all that he imaged.
So he can’t completely be blamed when he reaches over to fix the coller of Baekjin’s shirt, and moves himself in for a kiss… only to pull his head back halfway through still while holding Baekjin’s shirt causing both of them to tumble back a couple steps.
Baku, upon seeing how close they are to falling on top of eachother pushes Baekjin back making the boy fall while Baku just barely manages to keep himself up.
Baekjin who up until then had worn a slightly tired if a bit irritated look, just looks over ay him and slowly says, “Ouch”. One hand on his head like he isn’t exactly sure what happened.
Baku rushes to him and helps him up, “Sorry!” and helps him dust off his clothes. “Shit, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to.” The words come out of his mouth rushed, a small flush gowing down to his neck. “Are you hurt?”
Baekjin just looks over at him and tilt’s his head. “I’m fine…” he says, moving his hand to hold onto Baku’s arm. “Are you okay? What was that about?”
“Oh! I… um I saw a bee! By your shirt, yeah. And it scared me so I… dropped us…” The words make no sense, because one Baku isn’t scared of bees, and two it was late at night so most bee’s weren’t around, and if they were, surly Bakejin would have noticed. “I’m sorry…”
“It’s fine really, I was more shocked than injured.” He takes Baku’s hand and starts walking, “Let’s just go home?”
“Yeah okay… I’m sorry.”
After that he decides that 1. He can’t let himself get distracted with fantasies of a future with Baekjin like that… not yetbat least, and 2. That he should wait a bit to make a move, so that the next time he feels this way he’s actually prepared.
+1
When Baku finally confessed, it wasn’t even planned.
Which goes against what Baku had planned the last time he almosy confessed. Or almost half confessed? Did an accidental kiss count as a confession? Doesn’t matter anymore.
They were, or Bakejin was working on a painting in the corner of their living room. It was close to midnight and Baku was more than ready to go to sleep, but he liked being with his best friend.
Baku had looked up at Baekjin who had smears of paint all over his clothes and even some streaks on his face.
He looked gorgeous.
Baekjin had painted so many beautiful things in their life that adorned their entire apartment, but by far the most beautiful thing here was him.
So in Baku’s sleepy haze, he muttered out “I love you Baekjinni,” without a second thought, eyes half lidded and voice barely above a whisper.
He didn’t even realize he had actually said it out loud until he looked up at his best friend and saw his expression.
Baekjin was no longer painting but was instead holding his paint brush with his arm slightly raised as if he stopped mid stroke, he had his eyes wide open, completely frozen.
It wasn’t uncommon for Baku to tell Baekjin that he loved him, just like he did with all of their friends —even if he did mean it differently with him, no one had to know— usually his best friend would just roll his eyes, but not this time.
He isn’t sure if it was his tone of voice, his expression, or the fact that he had barely noticed the words come out, but his best friend took them seriously.
He briefly wonders how many times he had said those exact words with the same meaning but without Baekjin catching up.
Baekjin finally speaks up, a low soft, “You mean…like…” breaks the stuffy silence that had encapsulated them.
After a second of fumbling around for the proper words he Baku finally blurts out, “No yeah I totally meant it platonically, yeah…” he said as he waved his hands around, all the sleep vanishing from his body.
Baekjin looks down and just says, “Oh right…” and turns to dip his paint brush again.
Baku thinks that maybe… maybe Baekjin had looked… upset? Sad? He isn’t really sure. Just as he isn’t sure if he was imagining it, if maybe he was just being too hopeful, or if there really was something different about his voice, his features.
“Unless…” he says hesitantly.
Baku stares at his best friend, watches him inhale a sharp breath and sees the way it gets caught in his chest before he shakily releases it, hands twitching as he does.
Afterwards, Baekjin lowers his brush and whispers back, “Unless… what?”
Again, Baku isn’t sure if it’s his imagination making him see it but he swears that there’s a small flicker of… hope? That he can see pass through Baekjin’s eyes as he turns to look at Baku.
Maybe this should be the time he confesses?
Maybe it won’t turn out as bad as he had once thought?
“Well you know,” he gulps, his throat all of the sudden feels itchy, like something is stuck inside it. “How would you feel about me you know,” he signals vaguely with his hands.
Baekjin smiles softly, “You what Humin? Use your words”.
Baku is momentarily distracted by how pretty he looks.
“Ahh Jin-ah, you know,” he pouts.
Baekjin laughs lightly, “Mhm I really don't,” he teases.
Baku huffs, “What would you think if I did love you…”
“I know you love me, you say that all the time,” Baekjin says, a small smile still playing on his lips.
God Baekjin could be so cruel sometimes. Not that Baku didn’t love it, because he did. There was no part of the other boy that he couldn’t love. But still.
“You know that’s not how I meant it!” Baku says a little too loudly for the space around them, eyebrows bunching up in the middle.
Despite that, Baekjin just smiled and said, “How would I know? You said it yourself, you meant it platonically,” his voice still playful.
Baku was growing more and more exasperated by his best friend’s antics, Baekjin was rarely ever one to joke around during a serious conversation, Why start now?
“That's not!” he stuttered out, blowing out some air. “Jin-ah, I'm in love with you”
That finally manages to bring the mood into something more serious.
He watches as Baekjin stills and then fidgets with his brush. “Me too,” he exhales. “I mean, I’m also in love with you, I just wasn’t sure you felt the same way,” there’s a light flush spreading on his best friend’s cheeks, and Baku for what feels like the hundredth time think about how pretty Baekjin looks
“What?? Why would you think that?!”. Really the idea was absolutely incredulous, how could Baekjin not know? He doesn’t know if he should be glad his feelings didn’t show through or upset that they didn’t. “
“You just don't show it in that way,” Baekjin shrugs lightly.
“Huh?” he really doesn’t understand what the other boy means by that, Baku’s feelings are basically plastered on his face. It would be more subtle if he had an I’m in love with Baekjin poster stuck on him at all times. “I show it all the time! I’m always super affectionate with you!”
“Sure but you’re like that with all our friends though,” Baekjij says blinking slowly.
Sure, Baekjin isn’t technically wrong, but he doe sit differently!
“Well… maybe a little! But I don't feel the same way for all of them! You know you’re the exception!”
Baekjin’s eyebrows raise,“I am?”
Leave it to Baekjin to out do him on being clueless, “Of course!” he says rubbing the palm of his hands against his shorts. “I’ve loved you our entire lives”.
“Oh…” Baekjins voice wavered. “I wish I had known before, I would have expressed my feelings sooner”
“Your feelings??”
“Yeah”.
“So, you–”
“Mhm,” Baekjin confirms, “I like you, I’m in love with you. I always have been,” the words come out clear and sure.
“Oh, I- me too. I've always been in love with you too I mean,” the words come out rushed and far too breathy. Baku isn’t quite sure as to how to proceed. So takes a deep breath, and finally says the words he’s been thinking about for years, “Do you want to go out with me? You know… like be my boyfriend?”
Baekjin’s eyes and nose scrunch up,“Yeah i would love that”.
Of course that makes sense, they had been together all their lives. So they didn’t need anything too flashy.
It was simple, calm, just like Baekjin.
Baku should have done this years ago, should have told his best friend that he loved him as soon as he first identified it. But, either way he’s happy that he gets to have him now, and that apparently he’s always had him always.