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Okay. So. The leading rule of Connor's life was that trust was a trick. Trust was dangerous. If you trusted someone, expect them to take that thing you showed interest in to punish you, or the fact you didn't understand that math problem as a reason to call you stupid and deny you dinner.
Or, expect them to tell you that everything was okay, that there would be water waiting for you on the other side, as they shoved you into the caverns of a volcano.
So. Yeah. The first rule of life: never trust anybody. Was it paranoid? Most people thought so. But then those people ususally proved why Connor needed those rules in the first place, so. What did they know? They were probably lying to make him easier to manipulate anyway.
Would you believe him if he told you he used to be a gullible kid?
So when rule number one of being Robin was Trust Batman, even though Connor's walls used to be adorned with posters of the Batfamily and he couldn't help but look up at them like they lit the streets of Gotham themselves, it instantly made him nervous. He'd shadowed the previous Robins before. He'd seen how Nightwing jumped when Batman said "Jump!", or how Red Robin ducked and rolled the second Batman opened his mouth. How they moved on instinct, not on any sort of thought.
And yeah, that was terrifying. The thought of sliding without even thinking about it, just because someone else told him to, when that person could easily be sending him across ice or straight into the hands of a criminal or even a cop? When he didn't have enough time to formulate his own out if following the order when wrong, if they left him there because he didn't do something properly or he was supposed to be able to handle it himself? Putting his entire life in the hands of someone that was a verified excellent liar and could set a trap quicker than Connor could strategize his way out of one? Did he really need to explain why the thought of that was scary?
"Robin," Batman said, and it took Connor a second to realize he was talking to him. Connor straightened up, forcing himself to stop fidgeting with the sleeve of the outfit. "We're heading out in 5 minutes."
Connor swallowed the tar that rose in his throat and threatened to suffocate him. "Okay." He nodded, and Batman turned back to the computers.
Okay. For all the doom-and-gloom monologing he was doing inside his own head, he couldn't deny one thing - he was excited. Who wouldn't be? He'd had a Nightwing poster over his bed since he'd been allowed to decorate his own room. He'd named his first pet after him, the original Robin.
It was a lot to live up to. If Batman didn't decide he was useless this first day and fire him immediately.
Something acidic starting bubbling in Connor's stomach and he shook himself. Maybe going back to the excitement would be good.
"Hey," Red Robin nudged him with his elbow, most of his face mased by a cowl. "You okay?"
"Yeah," Connor smiled.
Red Robin raised an eyebrow.
"What's that look for?"
"If you're going to stay in a family of detectives, you're going to have to be a better liar than that." Red Robin said, then smiled softly. "Nervous?"
Connor rolled from his heels to his toes. Right. Greatest Detective and children. Of course it was difficult to lie to them. More difficult than it was to lie to the underpaid, seep-deprived staff members at his school, anyway. "Um…yeah, a little." He admitted. "It's…Robin. I mean - I'm not -" He laughed softly, fear falling down his back like sheets of ice. "I'm not exactly trained."
Red Robin snorted in amusement. "You have more training than I did on my first mission. And nobody expects you to be perfect right away. You'll be fine."
There it was again. That little itch that crawled up Connor's spine and crept into his ear, that said he's lying and don't be surprised if they turn on you when you fail.
Connor chuckled softly and shook his head like it would pry the thought away. "Yeah. Okay."
Red Robin smiled at him. "Now get your mask on, it's almost time to go."
"Okay - yeah." Connor nodded. Red Robin went to talk to Batman, and Connor took a moment to collect himself.
He lifted the Robin mask in front of his face and immediately lost his breath. Was he really doing this? Could he? Could he really be Robin, in the footsteps of Nightwing and Red Robin and the Robin before him?
Connor suddenly felt small. Small, standing before the legacies of the only people who might've helped his city more than Batman.
And for a second he remembered they'd chosen him, and almost burst into sunlight.
"Robin!" Batman barked, and this time Connor jumped to attention. He might've imagined it, but he swore a small smile whisked across his face. "Time to go."