Work Text:
Deadpool kills the Persona 3 Reload universe
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Deadpool teleported to Port Island, slightly singed, and smelling vaguely like cupcakes and chimichangas. He brandished his swords and started doing vaguely karate poses… before cracking his back.
“Ow! Interdimensional travel and murder really puts a crick in your spine! Pfft,” he looked at the camera, “c’mon. You really dragged me into this fanfic just because you hate that shitty remake that much?”
Yup. It’s a hate fic.
“Damn. That’s cold, crazy fanfic guy, even for me.”
C’mon, you read the early draft. You know there’s a pretty darn good reason you’re killing these guys. And you know I’m paying you the big bucks for it. Besides, it’s all about making a statement.
“Touche, mi compadre! I’m gonna get so many tacos tonight.” Deadpool unsheathed his katanas from behind. With a sassy wink and many an epic pose, he leapt into the abyss. “Because the author told me toooooooo-!”
Splat.
Oh boy.
----
Fuuka
Bootleg Wendee Lee (okay, it technically wasn’t her in the OG game, but who’s keeping track?) was in the kitchen, absentmindedly stirring a pot of… something for dinner. What it was, even she didn’t know, but after the “poo poo cake” incident, it couldn’t be as bad as that? Right?
The sounds of footsteps jolted her from her thoughts. “Makoto? Is that…”
She turned to find a strange man in red and black, glancing at her with a look of utter bewilderment. “Who are you?”
“Just your worst nightmare, Miss ‘can’t express my emotions in anything other than the most freaking bored voice ever’.” Deadpool winked, putting on a funny chef hat and apron.
As the blue-haired girl tried to bolt – this man was bad news, and she very much doubted anyone hired him to join SEES – Fuuka couldn’t make it more than two feet before she found herself being painfully yanked by the shoulders over to the pot.
The steam stung her eyes, and she struggled in vain to escape this psychotic lunatic. “No… why are you doing this…?”
“Because the author told me to. Shame, you were, like, the one recast that wasn’t complete garbage. Ah, well!”
He dunked.
An ear-piercing scream cut through the dorms that night.
----
Ken
Young bootleg Cindy Robinson (same as Fuuka; technically not the OG actor, but who’s counting?) stood before Shinjiro’s grave, head bowed, trying to hold back tears. Even if he wasn’t, he doubted anyone would notice – given the pouring rain – but he just couldn’t do it.
A sound of footsteps jolted him from his thoughts.
“Oh, goddamn it! I was so gonna kill bootleg Grant George, but the kid got him first!”
Ken turned, uneasy at the strange man harassing him. “Who the hell are you supposed to be?”
Deadpool pulled out a very familiar gun, one that sent shivers down Ken’s spine. “Is that…?”
“…the gun that killed Shinjiro? Why, yes. Yes it is. Now I’m gonna do what those wussy game developers should have done a long time ago…”
BANG!
The kid dropped down dead, right as he tried to run.
“Poor guy.” Deadpool shrugged, discarding the kid’s corpse to kneel at Shinjiro’s grave in a small show of respect. “F for my man, Shinjiro. Even if his new voice sucked too.”
----
Junpei
Bootleg Vic Mignogna was aimlessly lounging around the grounds, minding his own business. He was glancing over a few of his girlfriend’s artwork, a sense of longing and loss filling his heart. God, he missed Chidori.
“Yoo hoo!” A goofy falsetto voice jolted Junpei from his thoughts. A girl in a long, flowing dress passed by him, and his eyes widened with shock.
“C-CHIDORI?!”
“Chidori” simply chucked coyishly, hips swaying. “Come on, you silly boy… Come and give me some sugar…” And with that, she disappeared around the corner.
Junpei, after shaking himself free from his trance, immediately rushed around the corner after her. “Hey, wait a sec, babe. We gotta-”
BONK!
And got walloped atop the head by a baseball bat wielded by Deadpool, wearing an ill-fitting wig and dress meant to resemble Chidori.
“I totally get why Yukari called you ‘Stupei’.”
A few minutes later, Deadpool batted Junpei’s decapitated head – chopped off by his katanas – into the atmosphere, never to be seen again.
“AND IT’S A HOOOOOOOOOME RUN!”
----
----
Yukari
Bootleg Michelle Ruff was practicing her archery elsewhere when Deadpool snuck up behind her. She turned to greet him.
“Oh, you startled me!” She gasped softly. “Who in the world are you supposed to be?” She spoke. No caution, no distrust whatsoever. “A new member of SEES?”
“The hell kind of reaction is that? Aren’t you supposed to have a stick up your ass or…” Deadpool muttered. “Ah, screw it.”
“I don’t understand?” Yukari questioned. “Anyways, I gotta go and see Makoto. He’s my best friend and we were planning to-”
As she turned to leave, Deadpool pulled out a bow and arrow of his own – totally not pilfered from Hawkeye, thank you very much – and nailed her in the head, pinning her to the wall in one shot.
“Blech. You were way more fun to watch when you had that tsundere energy. Oh, baka… or whatever the tsuns say.”
----
Akihiko
Deadpool encountered the white-haired boy working out in a gym.
Bootleg Liam O Brien glanced up towards the mercenary. “Duhhhhh…” He said, droning on in an unfittingly deep, goofy-sounding voice more fitting of Patrick Star than a teenage boy. “Want some protein? I got, like, ten tubs for this session, so you could probably have… I dunno, half of one.”
Dreadpool cringed. For a moment, he considered just shooting the kid there and ending his suffering… but then he saw them.
A tub of protein power, just sitting there by his side.
Before Akihiko could blink, he suddenly felt an entire tub of protein powder being poured down his throat.
Then another.
Then another.
And so on.
By the end, Akihiko had started to swell up in mass to the point where he looked more like a big, muscular balloon than anything.
“No… what the hell have you done to me?!” He barely got out, now sounding even deeper and less like Akihiko.
“I’d say it’s an improvement. Really fits how little depth you have now, what with the crappy remake carefully removing all of it and all. Though I guess that kind of tracks with the original Japanese version and-”
“Why, you…”
BOOM!
Deadpool popped the inflated mass with a needle before he could take another step, painting the entire gym with a nice shade of red.
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Mitsuru
Bootleg Tara Platt was practicing her swordfighting in the brightly lit Kirijo office. A stab there, a swipe there, and a defensive counter there. All was going well until she aimed her sword for a finishing blow…
CLANG!
And came face to face with a man in red and black, who had met her sword with his own katanas. “And who are you supposed to be?”
“Just your worst nightmare.” Deadpool winked.
A quick duel ensued, with Mitsuru getting the upper hand on Deadpool through her supposed skill.
“OW! GODDAMN IT!” Eventually, Deadpool staggered back after being stabbed in the chest. As he fell to his knees in defeat, Mitsuru approached him, putting her sword to his neck.
“Now, if you would be so kind as to leave.”
“Certainly…” Deadpool winked. “But first…” He hit a button on a remote.
Mitsuru couldn’t get out of the way in time before a safe fell from the floor above and crushed her, killing her instantly with a silly cartoon CLANG!
“AHAHAHAHAHAHAH!” Deadpool laughed. “Ol’ safe-to-the-head trick, gets them every time.” The safe opened to reveal it was absolutely packed with dirty, greasy dollar bills. “Persona fans’ preorders. Even when they know it’s all crap, they’ll still shell out hundreds for it.”
Sometimes I can’t tell whether Pokemon fans or Persona fans are dumber.
----
Aigis
Bootleg Karen Strassman stood, recharging in the sunlight when Deadpool came across her.
“Heh, look at the toaster.” Deadpool glanced at the camera once again, readying his swords and guns. “See, I’m all about the Persona memes.”
“Intruder detected.” Aigis declared. As she booted up, she readied her gatling cannon to fire upon the intruder. “You are trespassing. Leave the grounds immediately.”
“Or what, princess?”
“Gatling cannon, engage!”
A duel ensued, with Deadpool deflecting Aigis’ shots as Aigis pulled out all kinds of weaponry to take the merc down.
Eventually, however, Aigis found she had to use…
“ORGIA MODE!”
At which point she blasted him into a pile of mush. Again, and again and again. And then blasted into the mush again a few more times just for good measure.
“Threat eliminated.”
As she powered down, overheating...
SNIKT!
A freshly healed Deadpool stabbed her through the back with his katanas.
“SyStEm ErRoR…” Aigis mumbled as she shut down.
“Too bad I didn’t get the DLC, or I’d have had to kill your sis too. Consider her lucky.”
----
Koromaru
Deadpool sat, legs crossed in the blood-soaked dorms.
“Arf…”
In his arms, Koromaru shivered, visibly terrified of the strange man holding him.
“Shhhhh.” He hushed the dog, before glancing beyond the screen. “C’mon, even I can’t kill a cute little doggy. What’d you think I am, a psycho? Besides, he’s, like, the one guy on this team who wasn’t completely ruined by shitty ageist recasts.”
Koromaru growled. Deadpool simply shoved the dog into his duffle bag. “Careful of the guns, pooch! Don’t wanna get anything blasted off, because trust me, that freaking hurts! Took my balls a whole week to come back this one time... You ever see a grown man with baby balls?”
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Makoto
“Oh my god.”
The first thing bootleg Yuri Lowenthal saw upon entering his dorm that night was the bodies of his friends scattered throughout. In the middle of it all, sitting on his bed, was a strange man in red and black, wearing Junpei’s baseball cap and numerous SEES armbands around his entire body, eating a piece of cake with blue hairs scattered around it. Burnt toast popped out of several slots haphazardly carved into Aigis’ back. Koromaru unhappily barked from within a nearby duffle bag.
“What… what have you done to them?!”
“I put them out of their misery, duh.” Deadpool said, as if it was totally obvious. “I mean, look at this place. Looks like a shitty knockoff version of Persona 3 to me, and most of you losers just sound like you’re begging for death as is!” He glanced beyond the screen once again. “Besides, the author made me do it. So if you wanna blame anyone, blame him, door-kun.”
The clock bonged, signifying that the Dark Hour was about to begin. Bootleg Makoto glared at Deadpool with the fury of a thousand suns, torn between all-encompassing despair and a desire to avenge his friends.
“I’ll kill you for this. I will kill you,” he readied his evoker and prepared to summon his Persona, “and I will make your death the worst fucking thing you could ever have. Orpheus, come-”
BANG!
Makoto fell over dead – head now sporting a pair of nasty bullet holes from side to side – as Deadpool burst into laughter. “You seriously fell for the old ‘switch an evoker for an actual gun’ routine?”
And then everything started to go dark as, with Makoto’s death, Death itself was unleashed upon the world…
At which point Deadpool decided it would be best to make a run for it.
----
As he bolted out of Gekkoukan High for the nearest multiversal portal, he barged past a very bewildered looking Elizabeth, who was currently on her own personal journey (trying to bring back her MC, and all).
“Greetings, stranger!” She waved at him. “Are you on a journey too?”
“Canttalknowworldsgonnaendtellyouaboutitsometimebye!” And with that, he leapt headfirst through the portal, to parts unknown. He stuck his head through the portal one more time. “And by the way, since you’re probably, like, the OG Elizabeth and not some crappy knockoff, you should probably get out of here before you go boom boom.”
Elizabeth turned to see what had become of the universe she’d been spending her time in for the time being. Her eyes popped open in shock and horror at what she saw.
Namely… that Death had taken over and was in the process of consuming the world.
“Oh… my.” She teleported away a second before the world was enveloped in darkness and despair.
----
Sometime later…
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Deadpool lounged about in the Velvet Room, somehow still intact despite the universe’s destruction. He lounged about in Igor’s chair, munching on a bag of popcorn, before glancing at the camera again.
“Now, you’re probably thinking, ‘Deadpool, aren’t you against killing teenagers, and this hatefic is depicting you as an OOC murderer for shock value’? And to that, I say, oh curious reader,” he pulled out a remote and pushed a button, causing a projector to come down from the screen. “It’ll all make sense eventually.”
----
Several months earlier…
A meteor crash-landed onto the Gekkoukan High grounds one fateful night. From the wreckage, several grotesque blobs of amorphous goo slithered out into the world.
“[We must find hosts.]” One of the parasites spoke. “[If we are to take over this unsuspecting planet. Only the strongest, most popular people around will suffice. And then… we will repopulate the multiverse with our own seed.]”
And with that, they parted ways as they all snuck into Gekkoukan High.
One took over Akihiko by leaping into his mouth while he was angrily punching a punchbag… at which point he suddenly slumped over and started speaking in a weird deep voice, somehow managing to inject the word “protein” into every sentence.
Another took over Yukari though the same means… at which point she basically lost her bitchy attitude altogether in favor of being a generic sweet girl and became far demurer, even… submissive.
Eventually, all of SEES had fallen to the parasites. Their souls had been unceremoniously consumed, leaving nothing but empty shells, nothing but poor imitations of these beloved characters, like empty puppets going through the motions. No matter how much they tried to mimic them, the parasites just couldn’t bring the same energy or emotional complexity as their hosts.
And yet, somehow, despite them all acting virtually nothing like their original counterparts whatsoever and sounding very different… nobody cared. Most of Port Island just shrugged and pretended nothing was wrong. No care, no sense, just complete and utter indifference.
Y’know, the kind of indifference that let Yaldabaoth get as strong as he was in Persona 5?
The only ones who weren’t taken by the parasites were Koromaru and Elizabeth, largely due to Koromaru being a dog and Elizabeth being from another world; the original Persona 3 universe, to be exact.
And by the time Death was released upon the world… just about everyone else had been taken by the parasites without fail.
----
“So you see, dear readers?” Deadpool winked knowingly. “This whole fic was basically a metaphor for the author’s hatred for Persona 3 Reload! The parasites are a sneaky reference to the voice cast being thrown out for stupid reasons, the safe was a reference to people paying top dollar for Atlus’ crap, and I saved MC for last just to spite the remake for not having FeMC!”
He pulled up another screen. “Now, wanna see what some of those nasty unwashed Redditors think of this whole parasite deal?”
Messages scrolled past rapidly. Some of which included:
“Who cares if they’re planning to take over the world, SEES was completely replaceable anyways. Bring on the parasites!”
“Fuck SEES, they probs consented to having their souls stolen anyways.”
“Who needs SEES anyways. I like the parasites better!”
“Those guys are ooooold! Fuck them! The parasites are young and hip and fresh!”
He flicked the screen off. “Redditors. Blech! You guys need to take a shower or something because I can smell your sweat from here! Touch grass or something because you guys reek!” He flung the phone away.
“Anyways… I saved the world, did what the author said, and proved a point for the sake of comedy. And I did it for free, compared to Atlus, who’d basically sell you their deaths for 60$ a pop! When the hell am I gonna get my cash-“
A safe – the same one that crushed Mitsuru – promptly crushed Deadpool mid-sentence. “Thank you… Ow! Good thing I can heal or that would have been agonizingly painful…”
----
Elsewhere, in a parallel universe resembling an uncanny version of Persona 4….
A meteor holding more grotesque alien parasites was hurtling straight for Yasogami High… Inaba. The parasites laughed in glee, knowing that soon, they would assimilate the Investigation Team, and then the entire world… and nobody would care.
And then, when they were done with that… in another timeline vaguely resembling the Persona 5 universe, the Phantom Thieves were next. And Yaldabaoth would grin, knowing full well these worlds’ ends would only come about because of the populace’s apathy.
The End… or is it?