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Exams, Studying, Reading.
At this point it was a ritual of yours to go to the fourth floor —the quietest floor— of the library after class ended. Maybe it was the absence of other students, or the deafening silence and stale smell of books that comforted you; Whatever it was, you loved this floor. Mainly because it was kind of like your safe space. No one would interrupt you and your quiet study time since the staff made sure to notify those who were too loud to either take themselves to the lower levels of the library or make themselves quiet.
Lately, it’d felt as if the hours blended together like oil paints on a primed canvas; Your grades were beginning to suffer because of it. The notes you took during class barely even made sense to you, they were just words on a lined page by the time you actually focused on comprehending them.
It didn’t help that your mind was more clouded than usual.
Whether it was the stares you got in the hallway while walking to your classes or the unbearable way your teachers seemed to dismiss you when you had a question- all of these circumstances piled on top of the fact that mirrors had become your enemy and you hated being alone with your thoughts now more than ever.
So of course, you were a little pissed when a guy— someone you recognized to be in your english class— tapped your shoulder asking if you’d be willing to study with him. He wasn’t as tall as the athletic guys you’d seen around the open grassy areas on campus but he was definitely taller than you; His hair was wrapped into a ponytail with bangs that framed his face perfectly– in any other circumstance he would’ve seemed angelic but right now he was more equivalent to a thorn in your side.
“Yeah, sure uhm- you’re in my english class right? With Mrs. Shuusei..?”
“Yeah. You’re _____, correct?”
Your eyes widened slightly, “Ye.. Yeah.” How did he know? What is he playing at?
“Tomioka Giyu,” he stated as he set his schoolbag down beside the chair, “But you can just call me Giyu.” You straightened your posture and placed your hands in your lap nervously. You weren’t scared of the guy, he just..
“What do you need help with?” you inhaled steadily, deciding to take a sip from your water bottle, “I’m not too much help right now, unfortunately..” A small chuckle made its way from your lips. He couldn’t possibly be here to just study with you; guys like him don’t go out of their way to only ‘speak’ to you , so what was his motive?
“You didn’t understand the lecture?”
“Not really- I mean, I wrote notes but..”
“You weren’t paying attention.” He stated it bluntly, like he’d been in your place before or something.
“No, not really..” you sheepishly admitted. This was embarrassing.
“That’s fine, I can help if you’d like..?” It sounded like an invitation and since you really needed it this time around.. His help couldn’t hurt right ?
“.. Yeah, please .”
You didn’t really pay much attention to your classmates unless there were discussions or group work to be done, so for someone to reach out to you was already taboo in your mind- But a pretty guy like Giyu? Surely, it had to have been on a dare that he asked to study with you. However, even after the first formal meeting between the two of you, nothing was suspicious about him. You noticed him around campus but never made the first move to talk to him. Years of being rejected and ‘othered’ by classmates and teachers alike had taught you to not expect much from others, even if they appeared to have good intentions at first.
Despite your unwillingness to go and talk to him, he wasn’t as afraid of coming up to you as you were. You learned early on that he, like you, was an introvert. He didn’t enjoy crowded spaces —which is why he preferred studying on the fourth floor of the library— and didn’t really speak in class unless he was asked a question or needed to clarify something. Giyu was quiet but he wasn’t by any means shy.
Maybe it was why you drew closer to him than you intended to. You thought that the study session with him on that cold Thursday was just a one-time thing, but actually it was the first of many. It didn’t take long for those study sessions to bleed into hangouts in between classes and reunions outside of lectures.
Unfortunately, his presence around you only put you in between a rock and a hard place.
You wanted to continue hanging out with him, to continue reading with him in the library and analyzing literature together for English; Still, none of that made the whispers die down. It amplified them tenfold if anything.
“ They’re too different .”
“ She’s way too much for him to handle .”
“ How does that even work? ”
“Are they together? ‘Cause he definitely deserves better. ”
It wasn’t long before you started walking with your head down again and began to avoid Giyu like he was the plague incarnate. Out of sight, out of mind, right? Wrong. No matter how small you tried to make yourself, you’d never be small enough to disappear fully. The eyes you constantly felt on you only continued to prove you right.
And Giyu? Well, he noticed.
Of course he did . Nothing ever escaped him, hell, it’s why he was so good at dissecting the interpersonal relationships between characters in gothic literature. He’d be damned if he didn’t notice the way you began to avoid him and flake on pre-planned hangouts. It wasn’t like the two of you were close but he noted more than anyone, how you flinched when you sat down, as if something was paining you; He noticed more than anyone, the light red marks on your shoulders when you scrambled to put your sweater back on, on a hot summer day.
Giyu wasn’t stupid.
As someone who dealt with the same depression you did, he knew the effects of it; How dangerous it could be to someone when they were at their lowest. And of course, in usual Giyu fashion, he was unsure how to bring it up when he turned up at your apartment near campus. His feet somehow carried him to your front door while somehow forgetting to bring his brain along with him.
When you opened the door after the four firm knocks he laid out on it, the last thing he expected to see was your round, tear-stained cheeks looking back up at him. The skin around your eyes was visibly raw and at that moment, he wanted nothing more than to calm the thoughts you were very clearly giving in to.
Sure, he probably fell way harder for you in the six months that the two of you spent studying and getting to know each other than you did, but he was never really one to beat around the bush. He couldn’t help it if he felt only warmth in his heart when you shared food with him at that secluded spot near the campus garden where the sunlight bathed you enticingly like you were some sort of divine being. You were too generous than you gave yourself credit for which was evident in the way you often downplayed your achievements or tried to make yourself seem small.
He saw the way others stared at you when you passed by but he couldn’t care less —he couldn’t bring himself to care about the opinions of others when the only person he cared about was right in front of him.
“Giyu? What are you-”
“Why have you been avoiding me?”
So blunt . “I’m not, I just.. I haven’t had the time.”
“Are you sure that’s it? I didn’t do something to make you uncomfortable did I?”
“No, no- Never.” you reassured, “I’ve just been busy with my assignments and family stuff, you know how it is.”
“You know you can always talk to me right? We’re friends aren’t we?” His monotone delivery would’ve pissed anyone else off but you knew better than to misinterpret his words. He meant them and you knew that.
Friends don’t look at me the way you do. No one does. “.. I don’t know what you want me to say, Giyu.”
“.. I just..” Giyu released a breath he didn’t realize he had been holding in, “I need to know you’re okay. Are you ?”
It was then that all hell broke loose, most likely due to the fact that you had already been crying prior to Giyu coming to your door. You wanted to shut yourself out like you’d learned to do; Isolate your emotions and deal with them by yourself so no one else would be burdened by them- But one by one, Giyu was breaking all your rules.
Your plump hands covered your eyes as the tears fell relentlessly and Giyu couldn’t just stand by and watch you break down. He stepped closer with his hands clenched into fists, “.. Can I hug you?” A nod was all he needed to see before engulfing you in his arms. He rubbed your back and held you tight, like you could disappear if he were to loosen his grip.
“I’m no.. – hiccup – I’m not okay,” you said in a shaky breath. It tore him up to see you like this, but he would be there for you. He’d let you go on like this for longer than he should’ve and it was the least he could do.
“What’s wrong? You can talk to me, I promise.” he whispered.
“Everything,” you wailed, resorting to hugging him back, your hands shaking as sobs wracked through you. “I can’t do it anymore; the staring, the whispers in the halls- this body of mine, I just can’t .”
“You don’t have to deal with it alone,” he stated, as if it was a fact. Because to him, it was. To you? It was a suggestion always out of reach.
“ I have to! ” you cried, “It’s not like you can save me from myself, Giyu. I can’t just magically-”
“I’m not asking you to.” he said, his blue eyed stare as firm as it’s ever been. “I’m only asking you to try leaning on me for a change. I know I can’t make all of your problems go away- But I know all too well that dealing with it on your own only makes it hurt more.”
“How do you know that?” Your voice was quiet but hoarse now. His coat bunched up into your fists that slowly let go.
“Because I’ve been there.” He revealed, “I know what it’s like to feel guilty for something that isn’t your fault; What it’s like to hate yourself. I know what that’s like and I can’t watch you go through it alone.”
You were speechless to say the least.
You had an inkling that he might’ve understood you at least a little, but to know that he had been in the same shadow you lived in once before.. It made you see him in a different light. Giyu went from this quiet guy in class that you barely knew, to a close friend you admired in more ways than a friend should.
You looked down, like you always did. “And if you get tired of me leaning on you? What will I do then?”
He parted from you a little to get a clear look at your face. His thumb brushed the tears from your eyes shortly after, “.. I’m quite sure I've got enough patience for the both of us.”
This made you crack a smile, “..are you sure? I can be a handful..”
“I’m more than sure. Certain, even.” His blue eyes never looked more alive than they did now.
“You can’t take it back, okay?”
“ I wouldn't dream of it .”