Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Addison had just finished scrubbing in when the scrub nurse interrupted her “Doctor your pager went off, but the page is unfinished. What would you like me to do?” She asked holding the device up making Addison squint to look at it before giving up.

“What does it say?” She asked, knowing if it was not a 911 page then she may as well ignore it. The nurse flipped the device back to herself, squinted at the thing and then frowned.

“It says – stairwell on n-o.” That made her pause as she was reaching for the towel, if this was Mark asking for a booty call, she was going to kill him for embarrassing her like this. “It’s from Dr. Grey.”

Now she frowned, her eyes snapping up and watched the nurse confirm with a stiff nod and Addison halted realizing something was wrong immediately. She took a second to exhale and get her bearings right.

1. Something was going on with Meredith.
2. Her patient was sedated and the entire OR team was ready to begin the surgery.
3. No one knows about the arrangement she and Meredith had.

“Get me Dr. Robbins.” She said looking around the room “Someone run to my office and bring me my white coat on my chair.” She felt the room freeze at the absurdity of the request but within seconds everyone got moving and Addison tried hard not to let the panic show.

On one hand, she knew this would be the appropriate moment to let someone in on the secret. Meredith could hate her all she wanted for exposing it, but if something was crucially wrong, then Addison would then hate herself for not having done the right thing.

On the other hand, this was the first time Meredith had directly reached out to her despite Addison repeatedly making sure she knew that this arrangement was made just so she needn’t have to deal with this alone. She was afraid that if she broke her trust now, then it would only lead to the blonde going back to her old habits and shutting everyone out.

“Dr. Montgomery, everything okay here?” Arizona was scrubbed five minutes later and ready as she joined the OBGYN in the room.

“I need you to get this started, I will be back in thirty minutes.” It was not a complicated procedure and she knows Robbins can handle it entirely on her own, but it wasn’t ethical or right for a surgeon to abandon their patient like this. So she knows the request would definitely make the other attending realize that Addison was in some dire situation and all she did was nod.

“I can do that.” Addison exhaled in relief. Briefed her quickly on the case and just as she took a step back, Arizona looked at her. “Addison, if you need anything-“

Addison felt her heart warm, she had come to Seattle Grace worried about how difficult the entire situation was going to be, with a pre conceived notion that she would hate it because it came with the prospect of grovelling to her then husband, remind her of her own shortcomings and worst of all, the hallways would linger with her marital failure.

But she had learned quickly that Seattle was going to be a place she would feel home at. The people were the reason and Addison wouldn’t give it up for anyone. Not even Derek, who still seemed to be under the assumption that she was going to leave now that they had finalized the divorce.

“I will let you know, thank you.”

Her coat was handed to her outside as soon as she scrubbed out and she grabbed it with a quick thanks to whoever handed it to her and then walked quickly in the direction of the north stairwell. She was grateful that she hadn’t bumped into anyone on the way because that would only slow her down in reaching her target.

“Meredith?” She called out once the door shut to the isolated rarely used part of the hospital. The stairwell was eerily quiet as she looked down and that only made the blood rush faster in her ears. Panic bubbled in her as she took the stairs down two at a time.

She knows the intern was posted in the ER today which meant she had to be somewhere closer to the ground floor and she was four floors higher on the surgical floor. It felt weird to call her name out loud like this. While in private, it had become natural to do so, but otherwise, they had been strict attending and intern. Addison did not favor her, did not take it easy on her and Meredith never slacked with her work around the attending.

But, if they passed each other in the hallways and Addison’s eyes lingered a little too much on the blonde’s face, it was purely out of concern, to see if the intern had been taking care of herself and nothing else.

And if Meredith’s eyes lit up every time Addison laid a gentle hand on her before reaching for the charts she was being handed, it was simply because Meredith was glad someone knew her secret and didn’t treat her differently.

When she rounded the last flight, her heart nearly dropped in her stomach as her eyes landed on the much too pale figure huddled against the railing for support. Meredith’s eyes were closed and her breathing shallow, sweat dripping down her temple and she had a lose grip around the railing for support, knuckles almost white.

“Meredith.” She called feeling almost breathless at finding the intern in this state. She had expected the blonde to at least be fully conscious but slumped. Not this. Not the way her crystal blue eyes opened and looked around almost wildly, barely seeing. “Hey, look at me.” She asserted, quickly pulling out a bar of chocolate that now took permanent residence in the pocket of her white coat.

Meredith had clearly skipped a meal, but it was never this bad and Addison swallowed against the need to berate her, to drag her out into the open and shove her into an examination room and demand that the endocrinologist fix this.

But she knows what it will do to the blonde and she shoved the need down and tapped her fingers against the pale cheeks trying to get her attention enough to get her to swallow pieces of the gourmet chocolate Addison had bought specifically knowing it would melt on the younger woman’s tongue without her needing to put any effort into chewing.

Nothing changed even after the entire bar of chocolate disappeared but Addison knows it was going to take a good moment for her body to process the sugar. She wrapped her fingers around the blonde’s wrist and bit her lip as she worried about the thready feel of her pulse.

After a few minutes of silence, of Addison’s endless back and forth of debating whether to page someone and force a glucose drip down her veins, Meredith’s fingers twitched and she reached out, fingers clenching against nothing, as if in search of something.

“You back with me?” murmured quietly, moving to crouch down in front of her now, grasping the flailing hand in her own, watching as her eyes cleared and some recognition fell into place and the blonde waves fell over the still slightly clouded eyes as she nodded lethargically.

“Sorry.”

It pinched her somewhere deep inside to hear those words, she didn’t like that Meredith felt the need to apologise for asking for help over an illness she couldn’t control. It pinched even more that Meredith didn’t feel comfortable to show people this side of her, yes it was a part of her and yet being a doctor and working in one of the most prestigious hospitals, she felt the need to hide this.

It also made her angry at moments like this. She was angry with the blonde, being unable to understand why she had to hide this, despite already knowing the reason (as irrational as it may sound, it had been Meredith’s reality for too long and asking her to just get over it wasn’t something Addison could have her do). Her anger though, came from a place of worry and concern, and she knows it wasn’t going to go away soon. No until she knows that this arrangement they had was the only solution.

“Walk me through what happened.” She asked, trying to be gentle and not spook her into defence. It was an exercise Addison put her through every time something like this happened, hoping that it would make the younger woman more self-aware for the next time. And it had seemed like it had been working, until now.

Meredith released a strangled breath and then darted her eyes around the quiet space before finally looking at Addison as if taking her in for the first time properly. Addison had been here for almost twenty minutes now, but to Meredith it might as well have been minutes.

“I took my shot this morning before coming here.” She started, voice slowly getting sturdier and Addison’s worry eased as she watched in real time as Meredith bounced back from this slowly but surely “Bailey assigned me to the ER,” Addison nodded encouragingly.

“I was supposed to grab breakfast in the cafeteria with Cristina but she paged me to tell me she was going to scrub in for an aortic dissection with Dr. Burke.” Addison tried to keep her sigh in, because she knows now that Meredith had not forgotten to eat but had rather dismissed eating because her plans had changed abruptly. “Then Bailey called me in for a head trauma in the ER and Derek said I could scrub in on his aneurysm repair on the same patient.”

Addison pressed her lips into a thin line and exhaled sharply, “Okay, get to the cafeteria and eat now. I want to see you after an hour.” She said knowing she will be done with her case by then assuming Arizona had already done a chunk of the hard work.

Meredith nodded hesitantly and Addison turned her sharp gaze to her “Do not scrub in on any surgeries. I don’t even want to see you doing anything more than basic sutures in the ER. Do you hear me?”

Meredith’s eyes turned dark and she clenched her teeth together making her muscles on her jaw spasm. “I am fine now t-“ she started but Addison wasn’t going to excuse this, not this time. Whether Meredith cared or not, the attending in this teaching hospital had a duty towards those still learning and foremost to the patients of this hospital.

“You do not get to argue with me on this Grey.” It came out way harsher than she had intended but Addison had just walked out of a surgery for this and Meredith was still arguing that she was fine when she was clearly not and it grated on her nerves despite it being somewhat her own fault that she had agreed to keep this between them.

Meredith shrunk back just a little bit, clearly startled by the change in tone and the fear it obviously induced in her “Okay, sorry.” She said, not so gently retracting her hand from Addison’s.

And then as if just realizing, her eyes widened and she clenched her fists – “Did you leave a surgery to get here?” The guilt that laced the words softened her almost immediately and Addison knows that she was being an idiot as she shook her head even though her attire would suggest otherwise and if Meredith had been in her proper senses, then it wouldn’t have taken her this long to notice.

“I am heading to one now,” She lied, though not entirely.

“Fuck, I am so sorry!” The blonde responded, moving to stand on shaky legs but still standing firmly enough that the attending knew she wasn’t going to fall over. “This is why I knew I shouldn’t have paged you; I won’t do it again.”

Addison closed her eyes just for a moment, taking a deep breath to calm herself down before running a hand over her face “We made a deal, if you want me to keep this between us, you will page me. If I find out you haven’t done so, then I will be taking this to the chief and Bailey.”

Meredith blinked at the threat, and then nodded. “Fine.” Her face, though closed off now, showed her guilt and Addison hoped it was enough to push her to do better as the door to the stairwell shut as she made her way back upstairs, glad she was in her comfortable sneakers right now.

Chapter Text

Addison had been deeply troubled these past few days, riddled by a decision she know she needs to make. It hadn’t been fair to her, but Meredith’s life hadn’t been fair either.

So, she needed to decide whether to involve someone else even if it meant the younger woman will not look her in the eyes again. Even if it meant that whatever relationship they had been carefully dancing around will cease entirely.

To Addison, the decision seemed simple enough when it came to the blonde’s health. But the complications arose when she considered what she wanted after that was taken care of. Her own selfishness was getting in the way of Meredith’s health and she needed to make a decision fast.

“Hey.” The knock on her door startled her and she looked up, a smile forming on her face “You want to grab some lunch with me and Arizona?”

She nodded and closed the file in front of her. Callie waited patiently as she straightened her clothes and pulled on her white coat before making her way to her friend. The woman handed her a cup of much needed coffee for which she knew she couldn’t thank her enough. She had been in the hospital since 4 am and now she was starting to wilt with the draining energy.

“You are welcome, you look like you need a day long nap though, what’s that about?” She commented as they walked through the hallways, through the seemingly endless bustling corridors. One thing about the hospital is that you can always count on people being around. The noise never stopped.

“I have something on my mind, but I can’t talk to you about it.” She said needing to be honest, or at least as honest as she could be. The brunette eyed her as they joined the line at the counter. Arizona was holding a place for them and the woman immediately shared a look with Callie. They were a good couple; Addison had to admit, but right now that look they shared seemed to be about her and that was something she didn’t like.

“Addison has something on her mind that she apparently cannot share. And hence the look of the dead.” The brunette explained to the blonde and Addison sighed as the peads surgeon’s eyebrows scrunched in curiosity.

“Does this have something to do with how you ran out on me last week in the OR?”

Addison smiled but said “Hey! I came back, didn’t I?”

“You came back more distracted than when you left.” She pointed and Addison winced because of how true it was. “All I am saying is that it’s not exactly normal for you to be distracted at work. You were razor sharp even when going through the divorce.”

Callie cut in “She’s right Addison, the fact that this is something that is making you distracted at work means it’s something we feel the need to be concerned about.”

The redhead looked around them, hoping no one was listening and when she spotted the rowdy intern, Karev standing two paces ahead of them, she shook her head subtly “I really cannot talk about it, but I am trying to handle it.”

But it was too late and the two sets of concerned eyes had already figured out it had something to do with an intern.

“What did they now?” Callie asked as they finally sat down with their trays and Addison picked at the salad. Addison raised an eyebrow at that, looking at her.

“Who?”

Two sets of eyes rolled “The interns.”

“Nothing.” She said all too quickly and that was her second mistake. Maybe she was too tired and sleep deprived after all. She needed to head back to the hotel and maybe drink some wine.

“Okay, fine. Don’t tell us.” The orthopaedic surgeon said “It’s more fun that way for us to figure it out.”

Addison had mixed feelings about, maybe if they did figure it out themselves then Meredith would have no reason to hate her.

“Sure.” She said, trying to stuff her mouth as elegantly as possible with lettuce.

Later that night, the blonde found her in the attending’s lounge, sipping on some poorly brewed coffee. Addison raised an eyebrow as the girl waltzed in uncaring and with a grin on her face, probably because she knew there was no other attending around at the moment.

“Guess what?” She asked plopping down next to the redhead who had to adjust the coffee mug in her hand to keep it from splashing from the way the couch dipped.

“You finally listened to me and bought a continuous glucose monitoring device?” Addison could only hope, she thought to herself as she smiled at the way blonde rolled her eyes but then eyed her coffee with narrowed eyes.

“Is there more?” She asked getting up after not having sat down for even a few seconds to head to the coffee pot she was now familiar with. Meredith had spent enough time in this lounge because of Addison. “Oh! It’s still hot too.” The younger woman exclaimed in joy reaching for a mug that probably belonged to someone who wouldn’t be happy knowing it was being used by an intern. So, Addison got up and plucked the mug out of her hand and handed her one of the disposable ones.

Meredith pouted but took it anyway “This makes it taste like cardboard.”

Addison shrugged as she watched the blonde shakily pour her coffee as she sipped her own. “Are your hands shaking from low blood sugar or from the excitement of what you were about to tell me?” She wasn’t trying to be subtle and Meredith stuck her tongue out at her and walked back to the couch, Addison following.

“I won the contest.” Addison tried her hardest not to let it affect her when Meredith’s eyes lit up about whatever she was on about.  

“And what contest is that?” She asked, keeping an eye on the way her hands were still shaking, it wasn’t much but it was definitely there. She had although - noticed the blonde adding two packets of sugar to her coffee and hence kept quiet about it.

“The one Bailey made up for us, keep up Addie.” She whined, clearly annoyed that the attending hadn’t been aware of a game the interns were playing. Truth be told, Addison had enough on her plate with her own department to run and some personal things going on to be even remotely interested in what was happening with interns.

Addison kept her palms wrapped around her still hot coffee mug as she revelled in the way the intern addressed her. She would never admit it aloud, but every time Meredith called her that in these private little moments they shared when no one was around, her heart skipped a beat.

She remembers the very first time it had been almost all too vividly, they had barely been in each other’s orbit this close for a few weeks.

“It wasn’t my fault.” The intern had said, keeping her gaze away from the attending as she shuffled her feet anxiously, hands in her pockets.

Addison wasn’t blaming her, or even holding her responsible. She just wanted to know what had happened. It was her department and she was going to be held responsible for it.

“I just need you to tell me what happened, I am not asking you why it happened.” She had said passing by the intern and grabbing her white coat that was hanging on her chair.

“But Addie, I couldn’t have been in two places at once. I was in the north wing, doing an ultrasound on the patient you asked me to.”

Addison had faltered for a moment when she heard it, something in her tightening. She wasn’t sure if she felt uncomfortable about how close the intern had gotten with her or how it felt right.

“Meredith Grey.” She had said firmly after composing herself and turning around to look at her only to find that the intern was looking anxious and scared instead of realizing she had called her Addie. “What did I ask you just now?”

Meredith almost whined, and Addison had to keep from rolling her eyes at how much coddling this new generation needed. “You asked me what happened not why it happened.”

She nodded and folded her arms as she waited to hear more “I heard the alarms and knew it was coming from the NICU, so I ran there and orderlies were scrambling around and I found Alex who was shoving doors open and he told me that-“ She stopped to breathe “a child was missing and then I helped him look.”

She nodded satisfied with the answer “Okay, now tell me why your first response to my question was defensive?” Now the blonde looked guilty and Addison raised an eyebrow having realized that there is more to the story.

“I had Alex cover for me in the NICU for that time because I wanted to do the ultrasound for that patient,” she said and Addison sighed knowing that it meant Meredith signature would be on the entry logs to the NICU. “But in my defence-“ She started again and this time Addison smirked in amusement.

The child had been found and they knew now that it was the parent’s fault, but still something like this meant someone in the hospital who was in charge had dropped the ball even if momentarily and ultimately, her being the head of the neonatal department needed to figure out who messed up.  

“I have never seen an ectopia cordis case in utero, so I just wanted to learn something new which is what we should be doing as interns anyway.”

“You realize I am an attending, yes?” She teased, quietly now because she did not want to the younger woman to be hurt by that.

Meredith pressed her lips together and her nostrils flared “Fine, be that way. I am going to go find my other attending friends who actually care.”

Addison smirked at her, “And what friends are those?” she asked, now reaching out to wrap a few fingers around the blonde’s wrist, not just to keep her from leaving but also assess the damage the low glucose levels were doing to her body.

Meredith for her part let her feel her pulse, count it even quietly while she spoke “Dr. Sloan and I are part of a very exclusive club. We are very close, you wouldn’t know.” Meredith had that silly grin on her face that said she was hiding something from her, but if it was something to do with Mark, Addison wasn’t worried. Derek on the other hand, she didn’t entirely trust around the blonde.

“Tell me, about your contest.” She asked instead choosing to ignore the previous comment to which Meredith frowned at her but recovered quickly, excitement again showing through “Dr Bailey had us on a points system, one for every correct diagnosis and two for every successful procedure and three for scrubbing in with an attending level procedure and four - finding a solution for a problem no one could and five for a mystery diagnosis.” She said, and Addison chuckled at the way the girl barely took a breath as she spoke the words in her hurry to explain.

“Hold on,” Addison said her eyes widening “Is this why you scrubbed in with me twice yesterday?” She felt played and yet she knows it was harmless.

Meredith’s cheeks burned a bright red and she nodded “I should tell Bailey you cheated.”

Before Addison could reply, a familiar face walked in and Meredith sprung up from the couch, nearly tripping over her own clumsy feet, yelping as the hot coffee spilled on her hand.

“Damnit.” She muttered and then turned to the intruder “Hi, sorry I was just updating Dr Montgomery on a case. I will be out of your hair in a second.” She said, dumping the barely touched coffee into the bin and then grabbing a napkin before walking out.

“Ahem.” Addison snapped her eyes to the person who had disrupted the scene and then glared “What’s going on between you two?”

Derek sat down on the vacated spot “Nothing, she was here to tell me about a case we worked on last week.” She said as casually as she was capable.  Derek continued to look at her sceptically and she almost forgot how much this man knew her and ofcourse knew parts of Meredith.

“Did you talk to Naomi?” He asked, reaching to steal her coffee and she gave it up to him easily, it was almost cold now anyway. The conversation itself made her feel sick.

“No, I haven’t.”

Derek gave her a look that said he was irritated, but this wasn’t any of his business anymore. If Meredith did not want to get back with him, it’s not because she is still here and the sooner he understands that, the better it would be for the three of them.

Because Addison is tired of running in circles around this man and she hates that Meredith feels guilty about the entire situation like as if Addison wasn’t the one who cheated first. Derek checked out of the marriage well before she cheated and yet, she knows she was in the wrong. Meredith was the only one who did no wrong.

“So you still haven’t decided if you are moving to LA or not?” she didn’t want to have this conversation with him anymore, because she was tired enough as it was and she had already let too much slip with Callie and Arizona earlier, she doesn’t want to explain to her ex-husband that it was only his ex-girlfriend  and the deal they had that was still keeping her here.

“I am going to head home Derek. Good night.” She said, placing her mug down by the coffee pot knowing it would still be there untouched for tomorrow and left without glancing at the glare he would for sure be throwing at her.

She had walked maybe five paces in the darkened hallway when she realized something, Meredith had thrown her coffee away before leaving the attending’s lounge. Which meant she hadn’t kept up with her necessary glucose intake and she had already been shaky.

She sighed as she stopped at a vending machine and bought a chocolate flavored protein bar and some fruit juice and began her hunt for the intern. For someone with diabetes, Addison felt like Meredith relied heavily on sugar.