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Classic jazz music plays quietly from the speakers overhead. Aya has to refrain from laughing when a group huddled around one computer loudly groans at the realisation it's still the same song that's been looping for the past forty minutes.
Personally, Aya has nothing against jazz; she finds that it's helpful as background noise when she’s trying to stay focused. However, as the saxophone begins to play and the library speakers crackle with age, Aya can’t stop herself from cringing.
She struggles with the textbooks stacked high in her grip—her chin is resting securely on the top of the pile in a desperate attempt to prevent them from falling—and approaches the table where all her friends are sitting.
With exam season coming up, they’ve all decided that the smartest thing for them to do would be to study together. It didn’t seem like the best idea at the time, as they were all too worried that they’d distract each other but Mitsuki said that the last time they studied as a group (minus Narita) really helped her, so they decided to give it a shot.
They each take turns picking which topics they need the most help with, as well as ‘leading’ the group so to speak based on who is the most confident in the subject.
Their group study sessions first took place in a small variety of cafés but were all cut short as they were promptly kicked out for being too noisy and arguing over which equation to use where (it’s still a sensitive subject). Now, the group has stuck to public libraries and the school’s library as a backup since they can’t be permanently banned. Although, they think the school librarian might try and change that.
As she gets closer, Aya can see how the group’s notebooks have been pushed to the side and instead of focusing on the history textbooks in front of them, Aya notes how their attention has been redirected to one Koga Mitsuki.
One flustered Koga Mitsuki, Aya realises, her interest piqued.
They’re just far away enough from Aya that she can’t hear what they’re saying, but she can see how, with every word that is spoken, Mitsuki’s cheeks become closer to the same shade as her forgotten red highlighter she's nervously playing with. Aya hopes they aren’t teasing Mitsuki about her test scores again. She knows their friends would never purposefully upset Mitsuki, but Aya also knows Mitsuki wouldn’t tell them if their friendly joking became just a little too much.
Despite the already swaying stack of books in her hold, Aya speeds up just a little and makes it just in time to be within earshot to hear Mitsuki say, “Well, if you put it like that, I guess we’ve been dating longer than I thought.”
The words cause Aya to freeze a short distance away from the table; no one has noticed her return, yet.
“I can’t believe you both were this oblivious.” Aya thinks she hears Narita say, fondness and amusement evident in his voice. “You’ve been on probably a hundred dates by now.”
Mitsuki ducks her head and Aya notices how the tips of her ears are red. Usually the sight would make Aya’s heart flutter. Instead, she feels it drop as if weighed down by lead.
“I didn’t want to mess up what we already had. I wanted to be sure it wasn’t, you know, one-sided.”
“Koga-san,” Chizuru deadpans and raises one unimpressed eyebrow. “She constantly flirted with you and found any excuse to be near you.” Aya suddenly feels a wave of nausea overcome her. Her ears are ringing. Maybe she’s just misunderstanding the conversation.
Mao wraps one of her arms around Mitsuki and ruffles her hair, a bright, teasing grin on her face. “That story is so cute, though. I hope I get a confession like that one day…” She sighs wistfully, and glances not-so-subtly in Narita’s direction.
Aya can’t help but notice how Mitsuki’s entire face grows a brighter red. How her flush travels down her neck and under the hem of her checkered shirt.
Aya knows that shirt.
She has kissed Mitsuki in it.
A loud bang sounds throughout the library and startles the table causing four heads to whip around in unison and face Aya—now empty handed, her books sprawled across the floor.
Aya doesn’t care— can’t care—that the whole library is probably looking at her now. She can’t think of anything but the words dating and confession . Mitsuki is… dating someone? She confessed to someone—or, or someone confessed to her? Aya has so many questions: Who is it? When did this happen, why did this happen?
I can’t believe you both were this oblivious.
Did everyone else know but Aya?
“-san? Oosawa-san?”
Dark eyes clouded over with worry are scanning Aya’s face and downturned pink lips are repeating her name. There’s a gentle hand resting on Aya’s shoulder as Mitsuki attempts to gain Aya’s attention. Mitsuki’s steady grip has always calmed and reassured Aya, and this time is no exception.
Her ears are still ringing, though it's quieter now. The buzzing has been pushed to the back of her mind so all she can focus on is the familiar sound of Mitsuki repeating her name and the obnoxious sound of a saxophone playing somewhere to her left (Aya realised the second time they came to this library that the speakers in the back right corner are broken).
“Oosawa-san, are you okay? What happened?”
What happened—? Aya looks down and, oh right, she was in the middle of making a fool of herself.
To avoid looking at the rest of her friends who Aya knows are without a doubt watching her every move, she crouches down and begins to collect her selection of textbooks. Aya’s heart jumps when both she and Mitsuki reach for the same book and when she glances up, Mitsuki is so close Aya feels herself go cross-eyed.
Against her will, Aya’s eyes fall to Mitsuki’s lips and her heart begins to race at the memories of those lips pressed against her own. She thinks of calloused hands from years of strumming guitar strings and the chill of cold, metal rings pressed against her cheek, holding the back of her neck.
The image of Mitsuki kissing someone else flashes through Aya’s mind and she can’t take Mitsuki’s worried gaze watching her anymore.
Aya shoots up and runs out of the library and heads straight for the bathroom.
(Not before dropping all her books, again , causing the librarian to glare in Aya’s direction).
Aya knows she’s probably overreacting and that it’s not really any of her business who Mitsuki kisses, and apparently dates, but she can’t help the ache in her chest that feels a lot like betrayal. It’s just… after prom, Aya thought that maybe it was the start of something . Aya thought—she thought Mitsuki liked her like that too. They hadn’t spoken about their feelings, not really, but they’ve kissed twice. That is supposed to mean something, right?
She didn’t want to be too hopeful, but then they kissed again in Mitsuki’s room where it smelt sharply of nail polish, which has always burned Aya’s nose. The angle was a little awkward, but it was everything, and it meant everything to Aya and she had thought, well, she had hoped, it meant something to Mitsuki too.
The bathroom wall is cool against the back of Aya’s neck and if the floor wasn’t so dirty she would sink to the ground and lie there until the nausea passed. After a few minutes, Aya realises that the smell of public toilets probably isn’t helping her push down the nausea clawing at her throat and she walks towards the long row of sinks to wash her hands. She ignores the slight tremor in them.
A knock sounds at the door and before Aya can wonder who would knock for a public bathroom, a worried voice asks, “Oosawa?” Of course: Narita .
Aya doesn’t answer for a moment, staring at her pale reflection and debating whether she should pretend like she didn’t hear Narita. Before she can come to a decision, though, the door creaks open slowly and Narita walks in with his hand pressed against his face, covering his eyes.
“I’m not looking, I’m not looking!”
Her throat still feels tight, but Aya manages a small, amused smile for her friend. Praying that her voice doesn’t come out wobbly, Aya says, “Perv.”
“Shut up.” He grumbles. “Can I open my eyes now?”
Aya quickly scans the bathroom: it’s empty and if anyone enters Aya will defend Narita’s entrance—or she will leave him to fend for himself. It would be a little funny to watch him panic and stumble over his words.
“Yeah, you can.”
When Narita removes his hand, Aya awkwardly waves at him and crosses her arms against her chest; suddenly insecure when Narita gives her his signature concerned look. The first time he looked at Aya with those furrowed eyebrows, she told him he looked constipated; he threw a pen at her face in response.
( I’m trying to be nice , he had shouted. Well, stop it! It’s weird! Aya shouted back, already distracted from the tears soaking her cheeks.)
Slowly, as if he’s approaching a wounded animal, or worried that the police are about to break through the bathroom and arrest him for being a creep, Narita steps closer to Aya. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” Aya says too quickly. “Why wouldn’t I be?” She tries to wrap her arms tighter around herself and winces when she only ends up elbowing the sinks.
Narita stares blankly at Aya, clearly unimpressed with her terrible lying. “Because you just froze and then ran away…?”
“Oh. That.” Her arms are still folded protectively against her chest, she hopes they’re suffocating the sound of her rapidly beating heart. “I’m fine; I just, um, needed to pee suddenly. Yep.”
Narita cringes, “Ew, boundaries, dude.”
“Don’t ‘ew’ me! You asked! Why else do you think I went to the bathroom?”
“I don’t know! You looked upset and pale as shit! I was a worried, concerned friend! Koga-san was going to follow after you but the librarian started threatening to kick us out and she was stuck trying to beg her not to!”
At the mention of her name Aya freezes and turns to look into the mirror to avoid direct eye contact with Narita. She watches his reflection in the mirror though as she speaks.
“Koga-san has a girlfriend.” She isn’t sure why she phrases it like that. Aya has so many questions she wants to ask: Why did she tell you when I left? What did you mean when you said it was obvious? Did she tell you that we kissed? Did I mishear? Please tell me I misheard, that they all ended up merging together to summarise the main thing: Mitsuki has a girlfriend.
At the change in subject—though they were talking about Aya being upset so is it really that much of a change?—Aya watches as Narita’s expression switches to one of utter confusion.
“Uh, yes,” he says slowly, considering. “Yes, she does.”
Aya doesn’t say anything. She unfolds her arms and rests her hands against the cool, grounding marble. The confirmation is worse, she thinks, at least before she could have told herself she somehow misunderstood everything.
Through the reflection in the mirror, Aya watches as what looks like realisation washes over Narita.
“ Ohhh , I see.”
“What? You see what?” Aya’s nervously chewing on her bottom lip, she’s afraid it might start bleeding.
“You’re upset that she told us without you. In her defence, it wasn’t her who brought it up.”
Aya rolls her eyes, trying not to seem as bothered as she is. “I don’t really care that she told you guys without me.” She pauses. “Did she say how long?”
“How long what?” Narita tilts his head to the side.
“When the… confession,” the word tastes sharp, ragged around the edges, “took place. How long ago.”
“You don’t know?” Narita tilts his head to the side, scanning Aya like something is missing and he’s trying to figure out what.
“No? How would I know?” It’s not like Mitsuki bothered telling her.
“I just assumed this would be something you’d, I don't know? Mark down in your calendar or something.” Before Aya could ask why on earth she would note down the date Mitsuki started dating someone else, Narita continues. “She said it was a month ago now? Or just over a month ago? Something like that. I’m a little hurt that I wasn't told instantly.” Me too, Aya doesn’t scoff.
She thinks Narita is teasing her. She recognises the tone of voice he’s using, but she doesn’t have the energy to focus on that right now. No, instead she’s trying to will her heart to calm down.
A month ago.
Prom was a month ago. Mitsuki kissed Aya for the first time a month ago.
Aya knows, because she’s a love-sick teenager who did in fact write that date down in her calendar. There are even small pink hearts and music notes surrounding it.
When did Mitsuki get the chance to get a girlfriend? Aya doesn’t remember her speaking to anyone else during prom but their little group. In fact, if Aya remembers correctly, Mitsuki stayed by her side the entire night.
Was , Aya swallows down the nausea rising in her throat, Mitsuki thinking of someone else the whole time?
Was she wishing Aya was someone else the entire night? Someone with a different smile? Someone whose laugh was nicer? Someone who didn’t step on Mitsuki’s toes when they danced?
“Describe her?”
Narita looks around, “Describe who?”
“Koga-san’s girlfriend.”
“Are you fishing for a compliment or something?” Narita arches an eyebrow.
“What? No. I’m just asking out of a general,” Aya vaguely gestures around. “Curiosity.”
She doesn’t know why she's asking, it’s only going to hurt her.
“Riiiight…”
“Please?” She hates how small her voice sounds. God, whatever. It’s just Narita. She’s seen him in more embarrassing situations, what is a little emotional vulnerability between friends?
Narita folds and then unfolds his arms. Aya watches him observe her through the reflection in the mirror. She watches as he sighs and begins to speak.
“She’s caring.” Is the first thing he says, Aya thinks I’m pretty caring too bitterly. “She’s funny, but I’m only admitting that because you look weirdly upset right now. Yo— She’s sweet, scarily smart, outgoing, and can make friends easily. Everyone loves her.”
Scarily smart. Aya thinks about how many tests she’s failed to get a hundred percent on. She thinks about how many nights she’s had to stay up, desperate to not fail and disappoint everyone around her.
Everyone loves her. Aya thinks about how many people have told her she seems unapproachable. One of those loud popular girls , she must be mean, they all are, she’s heard people say while walking past her.
Funny, smart, outgoing.
Great, that’s great. No wonder Mitsuki is dating her; she sounds great. The perfect partner. No wonder Mitsuki chose her instead of Ay—No wonder Mitsuki chose her.
“Oosawa, are you okay? You look like you’ve just seen a ghost.”
Aya pushes away from the sink and walks past Narita, trying to keep her face blank. “I’m fine, I think I just need to eat something. Come on, let’s head back.”
—---
Later that night, Aya stares up at her ceiling and tries to think of one time, any time, it seemed like Mitsuki was interested in someone. She can’t think of anything. The realisation doesn’t do anything to help Aya, instead it only causes her anxiety to double in size. Does she not actually know Mitsuki as well as she thought she did? Is Mitsuki hiding another part of her from Aya again?
In the dark of her room, Aya pats around her bed blindly trying to find her phone. She unlocks it and instantly opens her messages with Mitsuki. She scrolls up to the night of prom; she never realised how much she and Mitsuki texted before.
Koga-san <3
I had so much fun today. I’m glad we spoke and got to dance together.
Oosawa-san
I had fun too!!
Your playlist is super fun to dance to
Koga-san <3
!!!
You noticed it was mine!
I’m glad everyone was enjoying it LOL
When I realised it was mine still playing I panicked and thought everyone would hate it… guess I ended up spreading the good word of Car Seat Headrest
Oosawa-san
Everyone should get to experience Will Toledo at least once in their lives
Koga-san <3
Haha true!!!
I want to talk more but it’s late and I sadly have an early morning shift
Goodnight, Oosawa-san <3
Oosawa-san
Goodnight! <3
Aya remembers blushing furiously when she received the last text; Mitsuki had never sent her a heart before. It took her hours to fall asleep that night, her mind replaying their kiss on loop—she was riding on a high she’d never felt before and she never wanted it to go away.
Tonight, she can’t fall asleep; she thinks she’s finally crashed.
—---
Obsessive isn’t a word Aya would use to describe herself.
Yes, she has a certain way to do things; socks on both feet first and then shoes, toothpaste before water, only using certain cups and mugs for specific drinks. But, she has never obsessed over anything before.
She also doesn’t let her mind linger on things out of her control. The weather betrays her and ruins her perfectly chosen outfit? Whatever, she still looks good. Her favourite perfume is no longer being sold nearby? That’s fine, it gives her the opportunity to try something new.
Someone doesn’t like her? Aya will just try and be better next time. Didn’t get a high enough score on an exam? That’s fine, she’ll just stay up even later studying next time— okay, maybe those last two were some bad examples. They’re just hypotheticals anyways. It’s not like she's actually lost sleep over a few bad first impressions before. Nope.
So, correction: Aya doesn’t like to linger too much on things out of her control. She always tries to see every opportunity as a chance to learn, and attempts to see a positive outcome hidden everywhere.
However, she’s been struggling to see the positive side of the worst news she’s ever received since she found out her favourite nail polish shade got discontinued.
Aya feels like she’s been told a terrible joke where the punchline hasn’t hit yet, or if it has, she’s completely missed it and is just left standing alone while everyone else around her is laughing, oblivious.
The school cafeteria is loud, hundreds of children shouting over each other, but it all fades to static background noise as Aya pushes her food around on her plate. She hasn’t had much of an appetite from the moment she sat down and saw red ink on Mitsuki’s hand: the letters K + C drawn inside a love heart.
C .
Who does Aya know whose name starts with C? Who does Mitsuki know with a name starting with C? Her girlfriend. Obviously. The girlfriend that Aya didn’t know about until a couple days ago. Despite them having been dating for a month now.
Seriously, how did Mitsuki manage to keep this from Aya? They’re always together, they tell each other almost everything. Or, well, Aya thought they did.
She doesn’t realise she's staring again, glaring, more accurately, until Mitsuki nudges her foot under the table and asks quietly so the others don’t hear, “You alright?”
“Yep,” Aya smiles, lips pulled tight and she knows Mitsuki will know it's forced but all Aya wants to do is run to the bathroom, grab a tissue and soap and scrub at Mitsuki’s hand until the ink is washed away forever. It’s a crazy thought, but Aya feels a little sick at the idea of the ink already seeping into Mitsuki’s blood—the ink in the shape of someone else’s initials.
“What are you thinking about?” As expected, Mitsuki knows Aya is lying.
Aya nods her head forward, in the direction of Mitsuki’s left hand holding her drink. The hand with the ink on it. “Cute.”
“Cute—?” Mitsuki glances to where Aya is staring and flushes a pale pink. “Oh, that. Narita did it. I fell asleep in class and woke up to him stabbing me with his pen.”
Aya remembers leaving the classroom to grab the spare workbooks and coming back to Narita in her seat leaning over Mitsuki. When Aya had kicked him out of her chair and sat back down, she noticed Mitsuki covering her hand and smiling sheepishly at Aya. Her cheeks were pink, and she was avoiding eye contact with Aya. Used to the other girl’s awkward behaviour, Aya didn’t question it.
The familiar bitter taste of betrayal intrudes on Aya again at the thought of Narita encouraging Mitsuki and this other girl. She knows Narita is Mitsuki’s friend too… but she thought he was rooting for Aya. It’s a silly thought but she’s confided so much in him, he’s known about her stupid crush since the beginning and yet here he is, teasing Mitsuki right before Aya’s eyes like he doesn’t know how much it’ll hurt Aya.
Did he know Mitsuki liked another girl the whole time? When did it become ‘obvious’ to him? Why didn’t he tell Aya?
“Narita told me you told the others it’s been a month.”
“Yeah, I can’t believe it’s been that long already.” Mitsuki’s eyes are soft, and usually the expression leaves Aya breathless. Well, she definitely doesn’t feel like she can breathe this time. It feels as if there's a heavy weight crushing her lungs, slowly suffocating her.
Aya hums, thinking. She doesn’t mean it to come out pointed, but the words are sharp as she speaks them and they scratch their way up her throat. “A long time without telling anyone.”
Mitsuki winces, Aya can’t help but feel a little pleased at her reaction. At least she seems a little remorseful for hiding this for so long. “Sorry,” she starts, “I didn’t mean to bring it up then, but they were all trying to get information out of me and it just… slipped out? I know we were probably going to tell them together but—”
“It’s fine.” Aya interrupts.
We. She thinks. Together .
Mitsuki was going to introduce her girlfriend to everyone, to Aya, and Aya would have been forced to sit there with a polite smile on her face as she listened to them talk about how they confessed, and love each other, and kiss, and are dating and are everything Aya thought she and Mitsuki could be. Were going to be.
“Truly, Oosawa-san. I didn’t mean for them to find out like this, and especially not when you weren’t there.” Mitsuki’s soft eyes have turned pleading, and she’s nervously chewing on her bottom lip. Aya has changed her mind. This was actually a terrible idea and she doesn’t want to hear whatever Mitsuki has to say.
“It’s fine. I told you, Koga-san. I don’t mind.” The words are blunt, and final, and Mitsuki quietly nods before turning to stare down at her forgotten food. Aya ends up throwing her meal away; she doesn’t think she could stomach anything else.
—---
Koga-san <3
Are you free this weekend? (21:08)
Oosawa-san
Hey sorry!!
Was helping put my brothers to bed!
I need to babysit, why do you ask? (21:38)
Koga-san <3
No worries!
You’re such a good sibling, Oosawa-san.
There’s a new film out, it looks good. I was thinking about asking you out to see it? (21:41)
Oosawa-san
Ha, it’s nothing.
That sounds nice, but if I were to go I’d have to drag the demons with me. Sorry! D:
Why don’t you ask your girlfriend? (21:43)
Koga-san <3
Really! You’re a good person, Oosawa-san. It’s what I like most about you
You could bring them with you… if you’d want? I can pay for them
LOL! good idea why didn’t I think of that! (21:44)
Oosawa-san
Oh…Thanks
Wouldn’t that be a mood killer if I brought them? They’re loud as hell. (22:03)
Koga-san <3
Not at all.
So, is that a yes? :) (22:05)
Oosawa-san
Sure :D (22:07)
Koga-san <3
It’s a date :D (22:07)
Oosawa-san
Think you meant to say ‘Play-date’ cause of my brothers haha!! (22:11)
Koga-san <3
Lol
Goodnight Oosawa-san <3 (22:13)
Oosawa-san
Night <3 (22:14)
—---
The television flashes brightly in the background as a figure clad in a red and blue suit swings around and throws himself into men ten times the size of him. All Aya can focus on is where Mitsuki is resting her hand on Aya’s ankle.
Aya has been at Mitsuki’s since the early morning to study for the upcoming math exam. The others had left a few hours ago, and the pair decided that instead of opening a new textbook on their own they’d watch a film.
Mitsuki had picked it, talking excitedly about a superhero she’s recently fallen in love with and then promptly abandoned Aya to make some popcorn. Aya collapsed onto the couch, resting the back of her head against one arm and stretching out until the tip of her toes just about grazed the other one. She only wanted to lay down for a little bit, and she was prepared to sit back up when Mitsuki returned. But when she went to move out of the way, Mitsuki stopped her and instead simply raised Aya’s feet and sat down, gently placing Aya’s feet back down and into her lap.
The action had caught Aya completely off guard; leaving her staring at Mitsuki, cheeks no doubt a bright pink. Mitsuki however, looked completely normal, unaware almost that what she did wasn’t normal for two friends. Especially when one of said friends has a girlfriend.
A loud bang sounds from the television and Aya tries to pull her eyes away from the curl of Mitsuki’s fingers over her bare ankle and focus on the unfunny joke being told on the screen. Aya wrinkles her nose. Beside her, Mitsuki laughs. Aya can feel how the laugh travels through Mitsuki and shakes her body—Aya can’t help the upwards tug of her own lips at the sound of Mitsuki’s giggles.
“You really think that was a good joke?” Aya’s smiling teasingly at Mitsuki. Her ankle burns from Mitsuki’s touch.
Mitsuki shrugs, and turns to face Aya with her bright smile. “I mean… it wasn’t that awful.”
Just as Aya is about to open her mouth, probably insult Mitsuki and tease her by saying she would make a joke like that, Mitsuki’s phone begins to vibrate rapidly where it's placed on the table beside the couch. Aya watches as Mitsuki flips it over and checks it, a concentrated frown on her face as she types back a quick reply and places her phone back down. It vibrates again, and again, and then a loud ringtone begins to play.
“If it’s important, you can answer, I don’t mind.” She doesn’t mean to look, but Aya can’t help but notice a name she doesn’t recognise on Mitsuki’s phone. She feels as if someone just poured ice-cold water over her when she realises who it must be.
“No,” Aya watches as Mitsuki turns her phone off at the side and places it back down. She readjusts Aya’s legs in her lap so that now both her hands are wrapped securely around Aya’s calves. It tickles a little; Aya doesn’t say anything. Her heart is racing, though not for the reason it was before. “It’s only—It’s fine, don’t worry.”
It must’ve been Mitsuki’s girlfriend. Who else?
Did Mitsuki ignore her for Aya? Aya thought she knew everyone Mitsuki spoke to but clearly not. It would make sense, she supposes, as to why she didn’t know Mitsuki was dating anyone. How do all their friends know this person, though? How has Mitsuki hidden her from Aya?
“Does she not care?” Aya finds herself asking.
Mitsuki hums in response, not looking away from the TV screen, but she does tilt her head in Aya’s direction to show she's listening.
“Your girlfriend.” At those words, Mitsuki’s head does turn and she cocks her head to the side. “I mean, does she not mind that we’re always together?”
Aya feels like it’s a silly question to ask, because of course Mitsuki should be allowed to hang out with her friends but… she’s always with Aya. Or, rather, Aya is always with her. Their friends joked about it once; how they’re conjoined at the hip. You both come as a pair , Mao had once said, laughing. Yeah, Narita had agreed, if we invite one of you somewhere, we expect the other to come too.
The thought of it makes Aya a little sick now. Is she taking up too much of Mitsuki’s time? Her space? What if Mitsuki’s girlfriend thinks so? What if, oh god , what if she asks Mitsuki to stop hanging around with Aya? They’ve been dating for a month now, apparently, maybe Mitsuki’s girlfriend will realise how much Aya clings to Mitsuki and will ask Mitsuki to stop seeing Aya as much.
“Uh, that’s a weird way to phrase it,” Mitsuki laughs and Aya doesn’t know what's so funny. She’s never been more serious in her life. “I don’t think she does…? I mean, if she does, I hope she would say so.” Mitsuki stares pointedly at Aya like she's trying to communicate something. Usually, Aya knows what she’s thinking just from a glance at her face, but right now it feels like Mitsuki is communicating in another language and the realisation feels like a stab to her chest.
“Right. Of course.” Aya has turned to stare at the film in front of her, but she isn’t taking anything in. She can feel Mitsuki’s gaze on the side of her face.
“What are you thinking about?” Mitsuki leans over slightly and pokes Aya in the forehead, a teasing smile on her face. “You have your thinking face on, it looks painful.”
From where she's laying down it’s a little hard to shrug, but Aya tries anyway. “Nothing. I just… Do you think we hang out too much?”
Aya feels Mitsuki tense beneath her. She’s silent for a moment, her eyes scanning Aya’s face and Aya feels hot all over.
“Do… you?”
No. Yes. Maybe. I never want to leave your side. You have a girlfriend. I don’t want to lose you.
“I don’t know. Maybe… maybe it’s weird how close we are.”
Aya didn’t mean literally but she does wonder what Mitsuki’s girlfriend would think of them now: Aya’s legs in Mitsuki’s lap, one of Mitsuki’s hands still wrapped around her ankle, Mitsuki leaning over Aya. If Mitsuki’s hair was slightly longer, Aya is sure it would be touching her nose. Aya kind of wishes Mitsuki’s girlfriend was here to see it, to see how close Mitsuki and Aya are.
Does she know Mitsuki has kissed Aya?
Aya hopes so. It's petty and bitter of her, but she hopes Mitsuki’s girlfriend knows Aya got there before her. Even if she got Mitsuki in the end, Aya was there first—Aya kissed her first.
In the corner of her eye, Aya can see Mitsuki mouth the word weird . Her grip against Aya’s ankles has tightened significantly and her rings are pressing into Aya’s skin. Once again, Aya doesn’t say anything. She wants to curl into herself, but the thought of losing Mitsuki’s grounding touch is too much. Aya wonders if Mitsuki can feel her rapid heartbeat thrumming through her.
“I don’t think it’s weird.” Mitsuki’s voice is small and Aya feels as guilt pools low in her stomach at the realisation she’s the reason for that.
“No, you’re right; it isn’t weird. Sorry, I…” Aya bites down on her tongue, she shouldn’t say it, but Mitsuki is still tense and she’s still staring at Aya and Aya is weak and she doesn’t care about this girlfriend she’s never met before. She only cares about Mitsuki right now. “I like your company. A lot. I was just worried that some… people might think we hang out too much.”
Aya feels and hears as Mitsuki lets out a quiet, relieved sigh. “I don’t care about what other people think.” She says matter-of-factly, “If you like how much time we spend together, then that's all that matters to me.” Then, because Mitsuki is apparently completely unaware of what she does to Aya, she gently begins to rub her thumb across the curve of Aya’s ankle while she laughs at another joke said on the TV.
Maybe Aya will never know what it’s like to be Mitsuki’s girlfriend, but at least she has these small moments.
—---
The sun is blinding and Aya really regrets not bringing her sunglasses with her before leaving. She’s squinting as she weaves her way through the busy street and tries to ignore how the heat is causing her shirt to stick to her back.
Aya spots the familiar CD store and she quickly pulls out her phone to check her reflection in the camera. Her hair is sticking to her forehead, her face is flushed from walking in the heat, and there’s a singular bead of sweat dripping down the side of her head. Well, she tried to look her best.
It’s not like it’s worth trying to impress Mitsuki anymore, she supposes.
As she enters, Joe looks up from behind the counter and smiles brightly. “Good morning, Aya-chan!” His loud voice carries through the small room. “So,” he wiggles his eyebrows, “I heard Mitsuki finally confessed her feelings. Not sure why she didn’t tell me sooner but my niece is always all over the place so she probably just forgot.”
“Oh, yeah… I heard about that too.”
“I’m sure you did,” Joe smirks at her, and Aya tries to manage a small smile. Please, please can they talk about anything else? Aya really would rather not throw up in the middle of the poor store.
“So, tell me, Aya-chan. Is my niece the romantic I’ve raised her to be? How is the first month going to be celebrated?” Aya hears what sounds like a loud crash from the back of the store and a pained ow! .
“I… don’t know?” Aya awkwardly stands in the middle of the store, nervously picking at her nails, waiting for the ground to open up and swallow her whole.
It’s not that Aya has never thought about it—celebrating every kind of anniversary there is to celebrate with Mitsuki. One day, one week, one month, one year. Five years, ten years, fifteen. All of them. Aya wants to hit every milestone with Mitsuki next to her. She knows they’re both still so young but she's thought long and hard about this. She’s confident she’ll never meet anyone who makes her feel the same way Mitsuki makes her feel.
Aya begins to spiral at the thought that this is it for Mitsuki. That she’s found the person for her. Aya, God , Aya will never know what Mitsuki’s voice sounds like when she asks if Aya would spend the rest of her life with her. She will never know what kind of tie Mitsuki will wear on her wedding day, or how she would style her hair. What kind of playlist Mitsuki would curate for the occasion—Aya imagined them making one together. A mix of all their favourite songs.
“Wouldn’t know—?” Joe interrupts her spiralling mind. “ Oh ! I remember her mentioning some kind of surprise. How exciting!”
Mitsuki appears within seconds, her fringe clinging to her forehead, panting, and with what looks like paint down the front of a very old t-shirt. Aya really wants to kiss her and the thought causes her eyes to sting.
“Uncle, you promised you wouldn’t say anything!” Mitsuki narrows her eyes at him and Joe simply raises two hands in mock surrender. When Mitsuki turns to Aya her eyes soften. “Hey, Oosawa-san! I thought I heard your name; I would’ve come out sooner but… I, er, spilt some paint down me.” She gestures down her t-shirt as if to present it as evidence.
“It’s okay,” Aya smiles softly.
“I need to, uh, continue cleaning up the back but… do you wanna come with?” Mitsuki gestures to behind her and Aya nods, following behind in silence.
The door swings shut behind them and Aya has to stifle a laugh at the sight she’s presented with: a large bucket of white paint has been knocked over and the entire floor is covered with a thick layer of paint.
“Please don’t laugh.” Mitsuki groans. “Uncle is going to kill me.”
Together, the pair try to scoop up the paint and put it back in the bucket. They work in a silence that is broken the second Mitsuki slips and lands on her ass. Aya laughs so hard she ends up falling off balance and falls over too which only causes the pair to break into another fit of giggles.
When their laughter dies down, Aya catches Mitsuki staring at her with a considering look on her face. It’s a similar look Mitsuki makes when she’s trying to figure out the answer to a particularly difficult math question. Aya wants to kiss the space between her eyebrows; she digs her nails into her palm to stop herself from leaning forward.
“What kind of dates do you like?” Mitsuki must be able to tell the question caught Aya off guard as she adds, “I just want to make sure what I plan is perfect.”
Ah, right. Mitsuki must be asking for ideas for her and her girlfriend. Aya kind of wants to list terrible dates, but that would only in the end hurt Mitsuki and Aya would rather chew off her own foot than ruin Mitsuki’s chance at being happy. Plus, Aya thinks, anything could be fun if it were in Mitsuki’s company. Example: slipping and landing in a paint spill.
“For me?” Aya asks.
“For you.” Mitsuki nods. The words do something funny to Aya’s stomach.
“I don’t think it really matters what we’d be doing—me and my totally hypothetical date, that is—but more the fact that we are doing it together.”
At the words totally hypothetical date Mitsuki rolls her eyes, laughing, and flicks paint in Aya’s direction.
“That’s not really helpful.”
“Hey! You asked, I answered.”
Mitsuki rolls her eyes. “I guess. That’s sweet though… it really is the company that makes it, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, it is.”
Something soft touches Aya’s hand and she looks down to see Mitsuki’s hand resting on top of her own. Instantly, Aya’s heart kicks start and she looks up to see Mitsuki leaning in closer to her.
No, no no. What is she doing?
Aya quickly leans back and stumbles slightly, unable to maintain a steady balance against the paint-ridden floor.
“Oosawa-san?” Mitsuki’s frowning. Aya’s heart throbs. She wants to kiss her so badly, but she can’t. Mitsuki has a girlfriend. Has Mitsuki forgotten she has a girlfriend?
“I don’t think we should do that anymore.”
“Oh, um,” Mitsuki’s eyebrows furrow for just the briefest moment and she bites her lip. “Okay.” She nods. “Yeah, okay.”
Mitsuki looks like a rejected puppy; unsure why it’s been pushed away but not able to ask why. Aya tries not to feel bad. As much as she wants to take back her words and lean in for a kiss, it would only make everything worse. Aya isn’t sure why Mitsuki would want to kiss her when she has a girlfriend, but she doesn’t want to encourage it anymore. Mitsuki’s girlfriend surely must not be okay with that.
A thought intrudes upon Aya… did… Mitsuki view their kisses as platonic? As something with no extra meaning?
Is that why they’ve never spoken about them since? Is that why she leaned in just now?
That… would explain a lot, Aya thinks. She feels so stupid.
Later, after they managed to clear the floor and return most of the paint back to its bucket, the pair are sitting in Mitsuki’s bed watching a film quietly playing on Mitsuki’s old laptop.
It’s a romance, or at least Aya thinks it is. There’s a woman on screen crying in the rain; she just caught her crush kissing another girl. Aya thinks, I get it. She wished she had rain to cry in. Instead, all she got was her quickly tear-soaked pillow.
Mitsuki yawns quietly beside Aya, and suddenly there’s an arm wrapped around Aya’s shoulders. Aya can’t stop the shiver that racks through her body in time and Mitsuki tenses beside her.
“Is… this okay?” Mitsuki asks, her voice uncertain.
The woman in the film is on her knees now, a little dramatic Aya thinks. The rain is crashing down and Aya is worried she might catch pneumonia. Lucky for her, she’s in a film with film logic. Aya wishes she was in a film. That way she would know it all ends okay and she won’t spend the rest of her days with a hole in her chest.
That is, unless she gets sent to a horror film, she supposes.
“Oosawa-san?” Mitsuki repeats when she isn’t met with an answer.
“Why didn’t you tell me you had a girlfriend?”
And really, Aya doesn’t know where it came from. If you asked her in ten years time she might tell you she was scared she was already in a horror film: trapped, watching the person she loved and cared for most love someone else. Afterwards, she would call her teenage self dramatic.
Mitsuki is silent for a few seconds and Aya wishes she could grab the words from where they’re hanging in the air between them and shove them back down her throat. She thinks she might choke on them, though.
“I don’t understand.”
“What?”
“I don’t understand the joke. Sorry.”
On the screen, the woman’s love interest has found her in the rain crying. Aya isn’t really listening to what they’re saying but she thinks she heard something about a misunderstanding. The word itches Aya’s brain for some reason.
“What joke?”
“I am so confused right now.” Mitsuki pulls her arm away from Aya, Aya almost, stupidly, reaches out for it, and pauses the film. “What are you saying?”
“I just— Why didn’t you tell me you had a girlfriend? You told everyone else. But me. Why?” Aya hates that her hurt is so evident in her voice.
Mitsuki stares, unblinking at Aya. Her mouth is agape. Aya squirms, nervous under Mitsuki’s unwavering gaze.
“Are you serious?”
“Yes?” Aya doesn’t understand what the big deal is. What’s so wrong with her asking such a simple question? From her point of view, Mitsuki waited until she left to tell their friends she was dating someone, she hasn’t mentioned any girlfriend to Aya, and she even tried to kiss Aya. Surely, it’s not weird for Aya to inquire about this mystery person?
“Ask me what she’s like.”
“Huh?”
“Ask me what my girlfriend is like.”
Aya really would rather not listen to Mitsuki wax poetry about another girl, but something in Mitsuki’s voice compels her to ask anyway. “What is she like?”
“Beautiful,” is the first thing Mitsuki says, and Aya already regrets giving in. “Not just in her looks, but that isn’t to say she isn’t pretty. She's gorgeous, always. She dresses in the coolest way I’ve ever seen; she isn’t afraid to wear what she wants and be who she is. Her eyes are bright and they shine in the sun—her personality honestly rivals the sun. If you told me the world revolves around her, I would say, Yeah. Obviously , and roll my eyes.”
Mitsuki hasn’t looked away from Aya for a second since she started talking. “She's so sweet, and kind, and she’s the funniest person I know. She always makes sure everyone around her is happy, she’ll even sabotage her own happiness to ensure someone else’s.”
“She makes me feel so happy, like I can be myself without any shame. She has the best music taste ever.” Aya feels sick. Her heart feels ready to burst. She must be the stupidest person alive. “She laughs at my bad jokes,” Mitsuki continues and then smirks when she sees realisation dawn on Aya’s face, “And she’s also the most oblivious person ever.”
Aya shoves a hand in Mitsuki’s face and groans, she’s sure she’s bright red. “Don’t be rude.”
Mitsuki laughs loudly and no amount of embarrassment can ever stop Aya from smiling at that sound.
“God,” Aya drags a hand down her own face. “I can’t believe this is happening.”
“Well, I can’t believe you thought I was dating someone else!”
“How was I supposed to know!”
“We kissed!” Mitsuki is grinning so wide that Aya thinks her cheeks must ache. “Twice!”
“Well, we never discussed what that meant after! I was waiting for you to ask me out!”
“Do you think I go round kissing all my friends?”
“I don’t know! Maybe!” Aya groans and leans back against the bed. She is never going to live this down.
Mitsuki leans over her and peels the hand Aya is trying to hide behind away from her blushing face. “I can’t believe you thought I kissed you platonically.”
“We never talked about it after. You literally cannot blame me.”
Mitsuki ignores her and pokes Aya’s cheek. “Psst, Oosawa-san.”
Aya raises an eyebrow instead of answering.
“Can I kiss you…” Mitsuki grins and Aya rolls her eyes, already knowing where this is going. “Non-platonically?”
Aya can’t believe this is the person she wants to kiss. She doesn’t dignify Mitsuki with a verbal response and instead pulls her down by the collar of her shirt and kisses Mitsuki until her teasing grin is wiped off of her face.
Mitsuki responds to the kiss instantly, the hand not holding her up carding through Aya’s hair and holding the side of her face.
Against her lips, Aya can feel Mitsuki begin to break into a smile, and then quiet giggles reach Aya’s ears. Aya pulls back and tries to manage her best unimpressed stare. She knows she’s failing; she can feel her lips tugging up. “What is it?”
“Oosawa-san?” Mitsuki starts. “Will you be my romantic-not-at-all-platonic-girlfriend?”
Aya groans and tries to pull Mitsuki in for another kiss. Mitsuki dodges it and Aya ends up pressing a kiss to her chin.
“Hey, sorry but I don’t kiss my platonic friends. Only the romantic ones.” Mitsuki’s eyebrows are raised in faux seriousness.
“If you don’t stop talking and kiss me, I’ll never kiss you again.” Aya threatens. It works, of course. Mitsuki leans back to kiss Aya once, twice and then pulls back again, her eyes sparkling with mirth. Aya throws her head back with a groan.
“Does this make us girlfriends? I just, you know, don’t want any confusion . You don’t have any secret girlfriends I don’t know about, right?” Mitsuki teases.
“I want a divorce.” Aya deadpans.
“We’d have to get married first for that.”
“Fine, let's get married so I can divorce you after.”
“Of course, first I just need to divorce my super secret wif—” Aya quickly shuts Mitsuki up with another kiss.