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1st Year
“Pottah, be my friend. You’re famous, and I’m better than everyone here,” Draco said grandly. “Also, your friend is ginger and poor.”
Harry frowned. “You’re a mean, greasy bully,” he said, rejecting the handshake like it was a cursed sock. “And I think Ron’s hair is lovely. Like a butternut squash.”
“I hate squash. And I hate you, Pottah.” Draco turned in a huff. “Come along, Lobster Boil.”
Crabbe and Goyle looked at each other, alarmed. “Did he mean us?” Goyle asked.
2nd Year
“You are a Mudblood,” Draco informed Hermione smugly.
Harry glared. Hermione stared him down like she was about to end his bloodline. “You are an unloved, prejudiced bundle of insecurity and hatred,” she said coolly.
Draco floundered. Goyle whispered, "What is prejudiced?"
Crabbe scoffed. "Obviously, it's when fruits have been pre-juiced."
Ron growled. “Malfoy, don’t call her slurs. But also Hermione, I will continue being emotionally unavailable to you.”
“Shut up, you tubby little ginger cunt”, Hermione snapped.
“I’m also ginger,” said Ginny, emerging dramatically from the Chamber of Secrets like a haunted tomato. “Also, I'm sorry I had a talking stage with Voldemort. It’s fine, though. Harry stabbed his diary.”
Hermione burst into tears. “You stabbed a book?”
3rd Year
“Harry,” McGonagall said gravely, “a convicted murderer has escaped prison and is coming to kill you.”
“But don’t worry,” she added. “We’ve stationed soul-sucking death wraiths around the school for your protection!”
Harry, who had just had his first kiss stolen by a dementor, stared blankly into the void. :(
“Hermione, your cat ate my rat!” Ron wailed.
“No, it didn’t,” Hermione snapped. “That’s fake news.”
“It rhymes, Hermione!” Ron shouted. "It has to be true!"
“I can’t get involved,” said Harry. “I’m too busy processing the fact that a man named Sirius Black is trying to find me.”
Suddenly:
“Hi, I’m Sirius. I’m innocent. Framed by Peter Pettigrew. That ginger’s rat.”
“HA!” Hermione yelled triumphantly.
“Oi, Remus, come hug me in an aggressively homoerotic way,” Sirius said.
They embraced while Harry tried to beat up Snape in the background.
“Sirius is innocent!” Harry yelled. “He’s my godfather!”
The wizarding world, collectively: “Then why was he acting crazy in his mugshot and wagging his tongue like a cannibal?”
Harry paused. “…That’s a very good point.”
Draco: “I don’t have nearly enough lines in this film.”
4th Year
“You are a great big ugly chicken,” Draco informed the hippogriff.
Harry stomped on his foot.
Draco quickly corrected himself. “You are a beautiful chicken.”
The hippogriff backed up.
Harry turned to Draco. “Well done for not being a git.”
“Thank you, it took a lot of effort,” Draco said proudly. “Your hair is vile.”
Harry scowled. “So’s yours.”
“No, it’s not.”
Harry sulked, staring at Draco’s pristine white hair. “No… it’s not.”
Draco preened.
Later:
“Harry, did you or did you not enter your name into a tournament you obviously didn’t want to be in, that’s going to kill you?” Ron demanded.
“No, I didn’t!” Harry shouted.
“I don’t believe you,” Ron insisted.
Draco came up to them. “You are stupid for entering this tournament. I will enjoy your timely death.” He paused, frowning. “Actually… I will not. If you die, Pottah, I’ll kill you.”
Harry looked bewildered. “I didn’t bloody enter! And I don’t want to die either!”
“Fine!” Draco spat.
“Great!” Harry spat back.
Hermione clapped her hands. “Oh, I’m so glad you’re getting along!”
"Thank you!" Draco scowled, which was confusing because he sounded genuinely grateful. "And I'm sorry for calling you a slur."
"You are forgiven. If you do it again, I will destroy you."
Draco considered this. Then nodded. "You have shown me more empathy than most of my family. You are now my new family."
"Erm, no thanks."
"Let's go, we have a family brunch."
Even more later:
“You’re alive,” Draco said, walking up to Harry. “Why are you sulking?”
“Well, my life is terrible. Also, I just realised I’m bi. Because-look at Cedric.” Harry teared up. “Actually, don’t. He’s dead.”
Draco awkwardly put a hand on Harry’s shoulder. “There, there. Sorry for your loss. How will you move on?”
“I’m going to date his ex.”
Draco nodded solemnly. “This sounds like a healthy choice. Probably.”
Harry beamed. “You’re a good friend, Malfoy.”
Still more later:
“Hermione, you’re a two-timing whore!” Rita shrieked. Somewhere, ‘At the Same Damn Time’ played.
Hermione transfigured her into a bug and jammed her in a jar. “Shut up, you vile garden gnome.”
Ron blinked. “Why am I... so turned on?”
5th Year
“Who even are you?” Harry asked, exhausted after being tried for saving his cousin’s life.
Umbridge grinned. “I’m your new friend! I love children and fascism!”
In response, Harry started an illegal underground fight club.
“Where’ve you been sneaking off to?” Draco asked, stealing a treacle tart Harry was using as a peace offering.
Harry opened his mouth to lie. Draco raised a hand. “Actually, don’t bother. Umbridge has me reporting everything. Just... leave me out of it.”
“What sort of rules are you enforcing?”
“No Quidditch after 8pm. No second helpings of dessert. No fraternising. No fight clubs.”
“Oh.”
“You started a fight club, didn’t you?”
“Yes.”
Draco sighed.
Harry perked up. “Wait! If we break all the rules, you can report those instead!”
“That is... such a stupid idea.” Pause. “I’m in.”
So they flew at 8:02pm. Ate triple dessert. And then, in front of Umbridge, Harry grabbed Draco by the collar and snogged him senseless.
Draco submitted his report redder than a lobster. An actual lobster. Not Crabbe.
Later:
“I’m going to kill you!” Bellatrix screamed at Sirius. But first, she twirled dramatically and screeched at 10,000 decibels.
Harry aimed his wand. “Avada Kedavra.”
Bellatrix crumpled.
“Nice one, James!” Sirius said.
Harry cried for twelve hours. Draco found him on the Astronomy Tower and hugged him. They did not talk about the kiss.
6th Year
Harry paced. “Do you think Malfoy’s avoiding me because I kissed him?”
Hermione sighed while Ron fell off the couch. “No. I think his entire family is trying to turn him into a Death Eater and he’s having a nervous breakdown.”
“Oh. Right.”
He found Draco staring morosely at an old cabinet.
“I have to fix this.”
“Er... you really don’t. It’s hideous,” Harry said gently. “Also, you don’t have to do what your family wants.”
“It’s more complicated than that.”
“No, it’s not. Do you want to be a death eater?”
“No.”
“Brilliant!” Harry offered a hand. “Ron just found out I kissed you and froze for 45 minutes. I want to do it again and see if he freezes up for longer.”
“Delightful idea,” Draco said. They kissed. Unfortunately, Ron wasn’t in the room.
Later:
“You’ve betrayed your bloodline!” Lucius hissed.
“And you need a haircut,” Draco snapped. “You have so many split ends, even Voldemort’s noticed.”
Lucius froze. Harry grabbed Draco and apparated them to Grimmauld Place.
“You may not shag in the living room,” Sirius announced.
Harry and Draco nodded solemnly.
“Good. Because that’s where Remus and I shag. And I love you both, but not that much.”
Harry gagged.
7th Year
“The boy who lived... come to die?” Voldemort hissed.
“No, thank you,” Harry said firmly. “We learned about consent in Year 5. No means no. Respect my lack of consent."
“Oh,” Voldemort said. “Must I?”
“You’re already a murderer and a fascist. Do you want to be a child molester, too?”
Voldemort blinked. “Excellent point.”
Before he could say more, Nagini chomped him down like a burrito.
“I could not stand his voice another second,” she hissed. “So nasal.”
Everyone cheered. Harry kissed Draco in front of the whole wizarding world.
Ron froze for another forty-five minutes.