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So Frank is a tad bit touchy-feely the first night in LA. He maybe gets away from himself a little. There’s a moment during I’m Not Okay when some kind of ancient urge is unearthed and he almost wants to kiss Gerard; only on the cheek, but still. It was like remembering something out of a past life and almost acting on it. He’s glad he stopped himself but for a moment there something felt different and he’s not quite sure what.
During the second LA show, Frank manages to fight the urge and rein himself in. In some ways he hates having to do it, but in others he knows it's better this way. What they have is too fragile for bringing antics onstage again. It would feel like they were turning it into a show like they used to, but things were different then. The relationship was all-consuming for Frank. This time around, it’s decidedly not, and Frank has zero interest in going back to how things were before.
xxx
2007
The stress of touring for so long after releasing The Black Parade wears on Gerard. Even when he won’t talk about it - and he usually won’t - Frank knows. He can tell. He can tell by the number of cigarettes Gee smokes. He can tell by the amount of furious writing he does in his journal. He can tell by his lack of appetite and his inability to sleep. He can tell from all of those things, but what tells him the most is the way that Gerard’s sex drive has become insatiable, an unstoppable force that Frank can barely handle.
Frank wakes up on his side to the feeling of Gerard licking a long stripe up his spine. Being awakened by Gee’s sexual advances has become the norm but today he is really, really tired. He’s honestly afraid he’s getting sick. They’d had a pretty impressive marathon fuck session after getting in to the hotel shortly after dinner last night. They didn’t get to sleep until the wee hours of the morning. Frank is feeling the resulting soreness in more places than one. He doesn’t even have morning wood.
“Baby,” he mumbles. “Baby, I’m tired. Let me jerk you off.”
Gerard spoons up close behind him and nibbles his shoulder while pushing his impressive morning wood rudely into the cleft of Frank’s ass. “Need to fuck you, Frankie. I need to fill you up.”
Frank croaks out a laugh. “You filled me up so much last night, I think I'm probably still leaking.” He grabs Gerard’s hand from where it’s been massaging his hip and interlaces their fingers. “What time is it?”
“Only 10:30. We have plenty of time.”
“Ah, then we have time for me to go back to sleep after I get you off.”
“After I fuck you,” Gerard practically growls.
Frank pauses to assess how he’s feeling. He needs to be honest. “Gee, I really don’t think I can take it.”
Gerard stops nibbling his shoulder and turns Frank toward himself, his brow furrowed. “What’s the matter? You’ve taken me more than this before?”
“It’s not that.” Frank hesitates, not wanting to admit he isn’t feeling well. “I’m just feeling kinda run down. I’m more tired than I should be.”
Gerard disentangles their fingers and puts his palm on Frank’s forehead. “You don’t feel warm, but you do look a little pale.”
Frank turns all the way around. “Yeah, I think I might be coming down with something.”
Gerard’s mouth turns down at the corners. “Why didn’t you tell me you weren’t feeling well?”
Frank swallows. He’s argued with Gerard about this before. He hates having to admit it when he’s sick. “I didn’t want to worry you.” He rushes to add, “I only noticed it yesterday.”
Gerard’s face falls. “If you noticed it yesterday, then we should have taken it easy last night instead of… I fucked you like three times. What the fuck, Frank?”
“Gee, I just…” Frank looks around the room, unsure how to defend himself. He hates being put on the spot. What eventually slips out is, “I just needed to feel close to you.”
“What?” Gerard looks hurt. “You’re always close to me.”
“No I’m not.” Frank shakes his head. “Not lately.”
“What does that even mean?” Gerard pulls away from Frank and sits up to face him.
Frank takes a deep breath, mirroring Gerard’s posture. He’s unsure how they ended up having this conversation; he doesn’t want to be having it. He had hoped that things would work themselves out without having to actually talk about it. But apparently, they’re talking about it. “Lately, you’re very… quiet.”
Gerard scoffs, “C’mon, stop it.” His tiny laughter fades quickly when he realizes how serious Frank is.
“You don’t talk to me.”
Gerard leans back a little. “We talk.”
“About the shows and logistics and fucking.” Frank tries to take Gerard’s hand, but he quickly snatches it away. “When’s the last time we talked about what we’re reading or listening to?”
“It takes two to play at that, Frank. When’s the last time you asked me about any of those things?”
“But that’s just it, Gee. I never had to ask you before. Usually, I can’t keep you from talking to me about that stuff. But lately, I don’t know. It just feels like you’re not really even here.”
Gerard’s expression turns pouting. “I’m here.”
“Are you?”
Gerard doesn’t respond, seemingly at a loss. It’s not like him to back off when he’s been confronted. It just adds to Frank’s concern.
“It’s okay.” Frank rushes to reassure him. “I’m not mad at you.”
“It’s not okay, though. Not if you only feel close to me when we’re fucking. Not if you don’t feel like you can tell me when you aren’t feeling well.” Gerard swallows. “If you want to talk to me, fucking talk. Fucking… ask me about stuff. I don’t know.” He waves a hand. “Don’t just fucking… suffer in silence.”
Frank rolls his eyes and immediately wishes he hadn’t when he sees Gerard’s nostrils flare in response. “You don’t have to be so fucking dramatic, Gee. It’s not like I don’t enjoy the sex. And I told you, I just started feeling bad last night. I was hoping it was nothing a good night’s sleep wouldn’t fix. I’m not suffering.”
Gerard’s face has reddened with anger but he also looks like he might cry. “You’re supposed to be honest with me.” His voice shudders a bit. “We have to be able to trust each other.”
“I AM honest with you. I just told you how I’ve been feeling.” Frank’s exasperated. “That’s honesty.”
Gerard purses his lips before asking, “How long have you been feeling this way?”
Frank doesn’t respond right away.
“How long?” Gerard asks more firmly.
Frank sighs. “A few weeks, I guess. I’m not sure exactly when it started.”
Gerard blows out a long breath. He looks crestfallen as he slowly backs up and off the bed. “I’m going to take a shower.” He turns toward the bathroom but stops and spits out, “I’ll jack off so you won’t even have to worry about it.”
“Gee!” Frank cries out.
Gerard slams the door.
.
It takes a while, but Frank does eventually manage to go back to sleep. He’s still awake when Gee gets out of the shower, but he pretends he isn’t. When he wakes up, there’s cold medicine, tissues, Vicks vapo-rub, orange juice, and tylenol on the nightstand, but Gerard is gone and so is all his stuff.
Frank really isn’t feeling too bad off after he showers and orders some food. He gets down to the bus on time and gets settled watching The Simpsons with Ray and Mikey. Gerard’s sitting at the table, drawing in his sketchbook. He doesn’t look up when Frank comes in.
They don’t end up talking at all before the show that night and Frank is itchy with the need for Gerard’s attention. He’s always needed Gerard’s attention. Gerard knows that the best way to hurt Frank is to ignore him. Frank’s not really convinced this is about hurting him though. He’s not sure what it’s about but he needs to touch Gerard. The onstage adrenaline propels him like usual, but tonight, when he kisses Gerard during the show, Gerard backs out of the kiss.
.
It’s a bus night and Gerard goes straight into his bunk after the concert. It doesn’t surprise anyone because he’s been doing that a lot lately. Frank does the same shortly after since he’s still feeling under the weather. He passes out almost immediately upon laying down and wakes up coughing sometime around 5 AM and can’t stop. Gerard is there in a heartbeat, rubbing his back and pushing his damp hair away from his face. Once the coughing finally subsides, Gerard hands him a bottle of water and some tylenol. Frank takes it gladly.
“You’re running a fever,” Gerard murmurs softly before disappearing to the bathroom. He reappears moments later with two cool, damp washcloths. He puts one on the back of Frank’s neck before grabbing one of his own pillows and adding it to Frank’s pillow pile and gently moving Frank to lie back. Then he puts the other washcloth on Frank’s forehead. After a few seconds of rummaging around in Frank’s bag, Gee finds the Vicks and pulls down the collar of Frank’s t-shirt to gently rub the ointment on his chest. After he puts the Vicks away, he holds Frank’s hand in his and kisses inside his palm. He whispers, “I love you, Frankie. Try and sleep some more,” before returning to his own bunk.
In the morning, Frank wakes up to find a book of poetry in his bed with a note stuck in it.
Bukowski is a total douchebag, but some of this stuff is fucking brilliant. Let’s discuss at the hotel tonight. I want to hear your thoughts.
Frank smiles and feels like he can breathe a little bit easier.
xxx
Now
Frank doesn’t see Gerard the whole week between LA and Texas. It kind of sucks but mostly it’s fine because Frank gets to go home! It’s only for a few days, but he’s glad to be in his own house and spend time with home friends and his family and his dogs. Despite all that, he is 100% ready to get back to tour when everyone arrives in Texas the day before the show. This business of having a week off between shows still feels super weird to him. As much as he likes the breaks, he loves touring and he’s used to getting into a flow of performing almost every day for a while. But he knows that Gee really needs the time between shows to decompress and recharge. Gee’s health is more than worth any weirdness in the touring schedule.
He texts Gee when he’s in the car on his way in from the airport. Gerard has beat him to the hotel and they make plans to eat lunch together in Frank’s room after he gets in.
Not even three minutes after Frank gets into his room, he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it he’s immediately bombarded with a face full of Gerard. A searing kiss knocks the wind out of Frank before the door is even shut. Frank smiles into the kiss and returns it with equal force. Teeth and tongue clashing right out the gate. It’s a few delicious moments before Frank has to pull back to catch his breath.
“I missed you, motherfucker,” Gerard gasps before licking and kissing behind Frank’s ear. It’s a place that always drives him nuts and Gerard knows that.
Frank laughs and pulls back slightly. “It’s only been a week, dude.”
“A week too long,” Gee quips before moving away and grinning at Frank. He plants one more hard kiss on Frank’s mouth before letting go of him and backing off slightly. “I would jump your bones right now, except that our lunch will be here soon and I’m pretty hungry.”
“I’m hungry, too,” Frank agrees. “I’m still unpacking a bit. See if you can find something on TV for us to watch while we eat.”
Frank goes about getting out what he’ll need for the next couple of nights and after about five minutes, Worm comes up with their Doordash order from Chipotle. Not a very exciting lunch, but there aren’t a lot of options close by the hotel and Frank knows he can get exactly what his stomach will agree with. They eat while they watch The Golden Girls and it feels nice, easy.
After they finish eating, Gerard flips off the TV and pulls Frank into a cuddling position. “So tell me about your week. What have you been up to?”
Frank’s a little surprised, considering the attack he received when Gee greeted him. He thought sex might be happening right away but he goes with it and tells Gerard about how well Lois is doing with her physical therapy and how happy he is that it looks like she’s going to be able to regain all her full mobility from before she got hurt. Gerard asks a lot of questions and seems really interested. It’s something that’s been happening a lot this summer - Gerard asking Frank questions about home. It’s a little hard for Frank to get used to because it’s new.
During the Swarm tour, Gee seemed to never want to talk about Frank’s life in New Jersey. Frank had always assumed that Gerard resented the fact that Frank still makes Jersey his home-base and doesn’t own a house in LA. Lately, Gee seems more interested, like he cares more. Not that he ever didn’t care. Maybe he just wasn’t great at showing it.
As much as Frank enjoys the conversation, he’s reluctant to talk about it for too long. Since getting back together, Frank has pretty well maintained separateness between his life in Jersey and his relationship with Gerard. It’s always felt safer that way. He isn’t sure he’s ready to dissolve that boundary. He doesn’t know if he ever will be.
So Frank doesn’t talk about home for too long before diverting the conversation to other things, safer things. He gets Gerard telling a story about one of his cats before interjecting with, “What time is soundcheck tomorrow?”
Gerard had maybe been about to say something else about the cats. He looks a bit miffed. “I don’t know, two? Maybe three?” He shakes his head minutely. “Anyway, so did you get a chance to see Superman yet?”
Frank laughs. “Gee, yeah.” He rolls his eyes. “I mean, I did, but I don’t want to talk about Superman right now. Didn’t you say something about jumping my bones?”
Gerard snorts. “Yeah, of course. It’s just… we have time.”
Frank grins. “Then we have time for you to fuck me twice.”
Gerard’s smile falters a bit. “Yeah.” He breathes out, “Yeah, we do,” before advancing on Frank and latching on to his neck.
Back in safer territory, Frank relaxes. He never gets tired of this. Getting naked happens pretty fast but getting to actual fucking takes a lot longer. Gee spends a long time licking and kissing over Frank’s skin, his whole body, leaving hickeys in his wake, marking Frank in all the places only he’ll know to look. It gives Frank chills and soothes all his muscles. He’s so calm, he’s like a rag by the time Gerard finally presses into him.
“I fucking love this, Frankie. Love fucking you,” Gerard groans. “I wish you had kissed me. During the show last week. I wish you had.”
Frank gasps. They never talked about that moment. They’ve never really talked about their stage antics at all. “What would you have done if I had?”
“I don’t know.” Gerard begins speeding up his thrusts. “I really don’t fucking know,” he laughs.
Aside, from the usual sex exclamations, they don’t talk anymore until after. While they’re lying together on the bed in soft silence, their bodies gradually cooling, Frank says, “I’m not going to kiss you onstage.”
“I know. Of course you won’t.” Gee shakes his head minutely. “We’re too old for that shit. No one wants to see two middle-aged dudes kissing.”
Frank sighs. It’s a total copout and he almost lets Gerard get away with it. He almost lets it go. “I like it when our kisses mean something.” It comes out soft, almost inaudible.
Gerard picks up his right hand and interlaces their fingers, bringing it up to kiss over Frank’s scar. It’s quiet for a moment before Gerard lets go and tilts Frank’s chin up so he can look into his eyes. “I’ve never not meant it when I’ve kissed you. Never.”
“Gee.” Frank swallows. “That isn’t fair. Don’t say shit like that to me.” He doesn't understand why Gerard is poking at this particular bruise.
“You didn’t mean it, Frankie?”
“What? No. Of course I did. Of course I did.” Frank sighs. “I just like it when our kisses are only for us. I don’t need anyone cheering me on to kiss you.” Frank thinks back to Saturday night. “I almost got carried away but that was the show, the music, the adrenaline. I like it when it’s like this. When the only reason I’m kissing you is because you're mine, because I can.”
Gerard’s mouth quirks up a tiny bit. “I’m yours?”
Frank smiles back. He wasn’t quite expecting that declaration to slip out but he realizes it’s true. “Fucking right, you are.”
Gerard’s smiling for real now. “I like the sound of that. Say it again.”
Frank laughs. “You’re mine. Mine, mine, mine.”
Gerard breathes out, “Yours.”