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Gerard has a bruise on his wrist. He keeps pressing it to remember last night.
The night before the Texas show, he asked Frank to fuck him. It’s not something they do very often, but when Frank called him “mine,” he was just feeling it and went with it. He needed to feel possessed, owned, cared for… loved. He got all of that but he also got bruises from being fucked against the dresser and the wall, from Frank holding his wrists down while he fucked him into the mattress. Gerard can’t even remember the last time they did that.
He thinks maybe they should do it more often.
He likes to think that Frank would agree if his grins during the show in Arlington are anything to go by. Especially during the B stage set; Gerard can’t help but notice that Frank keeps grinning at him, like it’s the happiest he’s ever been. Maybe it is.
Gerard forgets about the bruises until he gets offstage. Once the sweat cools and he starts coming down off the high of performing, it occurs to him that rough sex the night before a show is maybe not the best idea at his age. He doesn’t regret it, though. His time with Frank is so limited these days, he has to take advantage of their moments together and make them count.
Rough sex or not, it doesn’t really matter what they do as long as they’re together.
xxx
2002
Gerard puts on Frank’s hoodie by mistake when he wakes up as the van pulls into a rest area somewhere in the midwest. It’s not really surprising - their clothes getting all mixed up when they’re all cooped up traveling together. Gerard shrugs and doesn’t bother changing. He stays in the van while Otter pumps gas, waiting for Frank to wake up.
Frank sleeps through getting gas and wakes when they pull into the parking lot. It’s late and they’re all tired. He doesn’t even seem to notice when he grabs Gerard’s hoodie and puts it on. After a few seconds, he looks at Gerard and smiles. “I guess we traded.”
Gerard smiles back and grabs at Frank’s hand. “C’mon, let’s get some food.” Gerard is pleased but not really surprised when Frank intertwines their fingers and doesn’t let go of Gerard’s hand as they walk inside the convenience store at the truck stop. Frank sees Mikey in the arcade and rushes off, leaving Gerard to forage for snacks. He doesn’t go right away, just watches Frank for a moment. He does that a lot lately, gets stuck staring at Frank. Ray pointed it out to him once. He doesn’t know what to do about it. Frank is just so captivating. He shakes himself after a minute and starts grabbing snacks and drinks off the shelves. They still have three more hours to drive tonight and there might not be a store at the rest area where they finally stop to all sleep for a few hours.
When they all get back to the van, Frank does his usual and plants himself in the backseat by Gerard. He pushes and adjusts Gerard to his liking before laying down basically on top of him and using Gerard’s chest as a pillow. Gerard is used to it at this point, Frank just always being there. He’s in the back of the van with Gerard or he’s in the front seat next to Gerard when it’s Gerard’s turn to drive or he insists that Gerard sit up front with him when it’s his turn to drive. On the rare hotel night, Frank always ends up in the same bed as Gerard and when they eat in restaurants, he’s always in the same booth.
He knows the other guys have noticed. Mikey has said as much with facial expressions alone. What Gerard doesn’t know is what to do about it, if anything. He doesn’t know what it means or if it even means anything at all. He knows Frank has always been jealous of Gerard and Mikey’s close brotherly relationship. Frank always wished he had a sibling. Does he think of Gerard like a surrogate older brother?
Gerard definitely doesn’t think of Frank in a brotherly way.
He runs his fingers through Frank’s dirty hair to help him drift off. Frank needs his sleep so he doesn’t get sick. It feels like it could be a brotherly thing to do, but that’s not how Gerard feels about it.
In the morning, when the predawn light is just starting to show on the horizon, they pull into a rest area pretty far out in the country but only an hour from where tonight’s show is. Gerard hasn’t slept much, too lost in his thoughts.
Frank stirs when the van shuts off and yawns, adorably, twisting around to look out the windows. “It’s pretty here,” he whispers, sitting up fully and pushing the blanket off of them. “C’mon, Gee,” he says, pulling at Gerard’s arm and moving to get out of the van.
Gerard goes along willingly because as much as it’s typically Frank initiating all the closeness, it’s not as if Gerard would ever argue with him.
No one else wakes up as they get out and close the door as gently as possible. It’s cool outside and there’s dew on the grass. Frank pulls Gerard toward a playground with picnic tables. “Let’s watch the sunrise.” Frank’s voice is soft but holds the excited tenor of childlike wonder as he sits on top of one the tables and motions for Gerard to sit next to him. He takes Gerard’s hand in his and doesn’t say anymore as he watches the horizon.
They sit in silence and smoke as they watch the sun come up. It’s pretty breathtaking. Sunrise in the midwest is something Gerard has never seen before and it turns out it’s true when locals say that there’s really nothing else quite like it.
Once the sun is fully up, Frank picks up Gerard’s hand and kisses the top of it. “Thanks for sitting out here with me. The early morning is so peaceful and I’m like, never awake for it.”
Gerard smiles. “Of course, Frankie.” He doesn’t say anything like, I always want to be with you or I’ll do whatever you want or I’d follow you anywhere. No. He keeps those thoughts to himself. Instead, he says “Thanks for bringing me out here. That was really pretty.” He knows that isn’t really enough to convey his feelings, but it’s the best he can do. Maybe someday he’ll tell Frank what he means to him.
But not today.
xxx
Now
Gerard doesn’t visit New Jersey nearly as often as he should. He’s always felt a little bad about it. He has so much love in his heart for Jersey but it’s also a place where he lived some of the darkest times of his young life. Forgive him if he doesn’t want to be reminded of that on a regular basis.
He knows the physical and emotional distance is a big part of the reason why his life and Frank’s life have become so estranged. The east coast friends all feel like Frank’s friends far more than they are Gerard’s. Things have changed in New Jersey over the years; businesses close, new ones open, houses get torn down, new subdivisions get built, old malls get torn down and turned into parks. It’s the nature of things to change over time, but it means that Jersey feels increasingly foreign to Gerard each time he comes back.
He dithers over whether to go home and regroup for a few days before the New Jersey show or if he should just bite the bullet and visit for the week. He could check out the old haunts that still exist and spend some time with old friends who don’t make it out to the west coast very often. He chooses the latter and feels uncommonly peaceful about it. He almost feels… cheerful. It’s strange.
On the flight home, he expresses this feeling to Frank who responds so enthusiastically that Gerard knows he’s made the right decision. Frank chatters about things they can do together on their days off and Gerard is a bit taken aback. He’s not used to Frank welcoming him home in such an excited way. Usually Frank maintains his distance when they’re all back in Jersey. Gerard has never really understood why but he does his best to respect it. This kind of reception is different. Gerard can’t help but feel like things are changing between them this summer. Not least of all him bottoming for the first time in years. It feels like maybe this is a turning point of some kind. He wonders if Frank feels it, too.
xxx
He sleeps in on his first morning back in Jersey, surprised to wake up to find texts from Frank already waiting for him on his phone. When they’d parted ways at the airport yesterday, Frank said he would text today about getting together but Gerard didn’t want to actually believe him. He’s afraid to get his hopes up about all this.
If you wake up in time, meet us at Lee’s Diner around 11ish
It’s 10:15, so Gerard gets up quickly, gulping down some coffee and taking a quick shower before heading over to the diner. He has no idea who the “we” is that Frank referenced in the text and that makes him nervous. Frank should know better than to not specify. He knows that kind of thing makes Gerard worry but Gerard wants to make this new thing with Frank work so he pushes through his anxiety and makes it to Lee’s by ten after. It’s quite a large group of friends he finds waiting at a couple of tables pushed together in the corner. He’s relieved to find that it’s Frank, Tim, Geoff, Tucker with Lexie and Birdie and Ray with Christa and the boys. All what he considers ‘safe people.’ His annoyance with Frank fades a bit.
Frank pulls out a chair next to himself that he had clearly saved for Gerard and Gerard flashes back to over 20 years ago when he would always find Frank nearby. The two of them were like magnets back in those days; where you found one, you would inevitably find the other.
Gerard must look zoned out thinking about it because Frank is looking at him questioningly. Gerard quickly smiles as he sits down, giving Frank’s hand a brief squeeze. He reaches for his menu but immediately realizes he doesn’t actually need it. Lee’s selections haven’t changed much in 40 years so Gerard has no trouble deciding what he wants to eat.
Breakfast goes by quickly, with this many people conversation flows without Gerard having to try very hard. It settles his nerves a bit and he’s actually disappointed as people begin to say their goodbyes and head out to take advantage of the beautiful day. Every time someone else leaves, he’s afraid that Frank is going to get up and say his farewells and leave Gerard on his own. Not that he’s worried about being on his own with the friends that are left. More that he’ll be disappointed to not get time alone with Frank today. But as everyone else leaves, Frank remains at his side until it’s finally just the two of them.
After watching Tim leave, Gerard realizes that Frank is grinning at him, maybe has been for a while. He grabs Gerard’s hand and asks, “What do you want to do today?”
Gerard is at a loss when he realizes that he really doesn’t care what they do as long as it’s just the two of them. He says the first thing that comes to mind. “Comic book store?”
Frank’s grin gets impossibly wider in response.
Frank follows Gerard back to the hotel so he can leave his rental there and they take Frank’s car to the comic book store. They end up discussing Superman in the car so it’s natural that they head toward the Superman series’ when they get to the store. It’s not the same one they both frequented as teens (that closed ages ago) but it’s close by where the old one was and a couple of decades old so it definitely has the same feel to it. They sit close on the floor and talk about the merits of the many different iterations of Superman, getting stuck on the absurdity of the notion that Superman could lose his powers from having sex. They’re in agreement about that but they disagree about some other differences.
They spend a long time chatting; smiling and laughing until their backs start to hurt from sitting on the floor too long and they feel guilty for being so loud. They both buy several things as an apology. The clerk at the counter recognizes them and asks for autographs and pictures. They agree and it’s a nice moment. Gerard wonders how long it will be until the photo hits the internet and then everyone will know that he and Frank went to the comic book store together. He realizes that he doesn’t really care.
When they get back into the car, Frank says something that actually shocks Gerard. “Want to come back to the house for a while?” He says it almost shyly and Gerard feels his jaw drop momentarily.
The only time Gerard has been to Frank’s current house has been when Frank has had a bunch of people over while Gerard was in town. He’s felt bitterness over his knowledge that Ray and Mikey have both gone over to hang out at Frank’s place when they’ve visited, but Gerard has never been extended an invitation. Granted, his visits home have been few and far between over the years, but there have been times he’s been with Frank in Jersey and somehow they always end up at Gerard’s hotel rather than Frank’s house.
He quickly closes his mouth and tries not to let his overly pleased expression show too much as he says, “Sure,” as casually as possible.
Frank’s house is a bit away from their old haunts and there is traffic so they have about a 20 minute drive to get there. Gerard is tempted to just turn on music for them to sing along to for the ride but he’s been hesitant to talk to Frank about important things and he’s getting tired of it. He goes ahead and brings up something that’s been on his mind. “You seem really happy, Frankie.”
Frank smiles. “I am happy.” He turns to look at Gerard. “Are you?”
“Of course!” Gerard rushes to assure him. “I’m having the time of my life! This tour is amazing. I am so happy.”
“That’s awesome! Um…” Frank furrows his brow. “What prompted you to point out my happiness?”
“I don’t know. I just wonder sometimes. Sometimes I’m afraid you feel like you’ve outgrown MyChem.”
Frank scoffs. “That will never happen. Why would you even think that?”
“It’s just… I overheard you and Tucker talking one day during rehearsals. You seemed so bummed to have to take a break from Dunes.”
“Well, I am bummed.” Frank shrugs. “I love that band.”
“Yeah.” Gerard sighs. “I know it’s really perfect for you. You really need to be creating and writing new things and performing all the time.”
“Gee,” Frank interrupts. “All of that is true, but I’m not bummed because I would rather be doing Dunes. I’m bummed that I can’t fucking… clone myself or something. I’m bummed that I can’t do everything all at once.” He grabs Gerard’s hand and squeezes. “I’m not bummed to be doing MyChem.”
“No, I know,” Gerard interjects. “I see that now. I can see how much fun you’re having. I was really just worried before, at the start of tour. But I feel like we’re really in that sweet spot now. The tour groove, you know?”
“Totally,” Frank agrees.
“And I swear it was like you were glowing at the show in Arlington, smiling the whole time, fucking grinning. You looked so happy. I’m just glad to know you are, that’s all.”
“It wasn’t just the show that was making me happy.” Frank turns to pin Gerard with a quick look, his eyebrows raised.
“Yeah?”
“Half the time, I was smiling at you.”
Gerard can’t hide his blush as he looks down at his lap and grins.
xxx
Gerard is bombarded at the door the minute they walk into Frank’s house. Bucket, Kutsy, Soup, and Lunchbox all greet them in a big jumble of fur and paws and noses and tongues. Once they settle down a bit, Frank goes to let Lois out of her crate. “She’s still not allowed to have free run of the house when no one’s home,” he explains, “So she doesn’t re-injure herself.”
Gerard nods. “That makes sense.”
Frank puts the dogs all out in the backyard and they make their way into the kitchen. “Do you want something to drink?”
The question is innocent enough but Gerard feels awkward. He feels like a guest. Of course, he knows he is one but he wishes he were already comfortable here. He wishes he knew his way around enough to get himself a drink and not need it offered to him. He wishes they could just skip past this part, but maybe they can’t. Maybe there’s a point to it somehow, a gradual reintroduction to Frank’s home life.
“Water would be great.”
Frank hands him a bottle from the fridge and gets himself a Diet Coke. “I’ll start some coffee for later.”
Gerard is pleased to hear that Frank expects him to be staying for a while. “That sounds great.” He looks around at the spacious kitchen, unsure what to do with himself while Frank gets the coffee brewing. He feels unsettled. “Any chance I can vape in here?”
Frank shoots him an amused glance. “You can vape out on the porch,” he says as he presses the button to start the coffee maker. “C’mon.” He grabs Gerard’s hand and pulls him toward the back of the house where there’s a big screened-in porch adjacent to a huge deck and patio that overlooks Frank’s giant backyard and pool. It’s completely private with trees all around. Gerard kind of loves it.
“It’s beautiful back here.”
“You never seen it before?” Frank looks surprised.
“No, it was winter when I was here last. New Year’s Eve.”
“Oh yeah, that was a fun party.” Frank smirks.
“It really was,” Gerard agrees. They had snuck away just after midnight and exchanged quick and dirty blowjobs in the bathroom. It was pretty great.
They both stay lost in the memory for a few moments while Gerard vapes silently.
Finally Frank breaks the silence. “Can I play something for you?”
“Yeah, of course.”
Frank leads Gerard down to the basement and pulls out a yellow guitar. He sits down at the end of the couch and motions for Gerard to sit at the other. He gets the guitar hooked up to a small amp and proceeds to play the most haunting melody Gerard has heard in ages.
“It’s beautiful,” Gerard tells him once he’s finished.
Frank has a faraway look in his eyes, still lost in the music somehow. “I couldn’t sleep one night last week. I was totally jetlagged. Once I finally did fall asleep, I kept waking up like every hour.” He shakes his head. “So annoying. Around 5:30, I just decided fuck it and went out to the porch to watch the sunrise. It’s really pretty coming up over the trees in the back. Once it was fully light out, I came back inside and I wrote that.”
“I love it, Frankie.”
Frank’s smile is soft and sweet but his eyes look unfocused. He’s staring at nothing, somewhere just past Gerard’s shoulder. “I was remembering something while I was writing it.” He shifts his gaze minutely, to stare directly into Gerard’s eyes. “Do you remember that night when we were touring for Bullets? Well, actually it was morning. But do you remember we watched the sunrise together at that little rest area in god knows where? Like, Iowa or something.” Frank looks so hopeful and unsure at the same time it almost breaks Gerard’s heart.
“I do. I remember,” he answers quickly.
Frank lets out a sigh, sounding relieved.
Gerard continues, “I remember you thanked me for coming with you to watch it and I wanted to tell you that I would do anything you asked.”
“Gee,” Frank says so softly Gerard can hardly hear it.
“I wanted to tell you then that I was in love with you.”
“Gee, stop.” He shakes his head. “No way.”
“I’m serious. You were always around me. I felt like I was tripping over you, you were underfoot all the time.” He huffs out a little laugh. “I was scared that you thought of me as an older brother and that’s why you were so clingy.”
Frank raises his eyebrows. “I never thought of you like a brother.”
“I mean, obviously. I figured that out when you started kissing me all the time after Revenge came out.”
“I was trying to show you how I felt - with all the closeness.” Frank finally sets the guitar down and shuts off the amp. “I didn’t know how to say it. I didn’t think you felt the same then. I didn’t think… you didn’t tell me you loved me until we were recording Black Parade.”
Gerard’s tone is deadly serious as he says, “I’ve loved you for as long as I’ve known you.”
Frank gasps and moves toward Gerard on the couch. “I really need you to kiss me right now.”
Gerard doesn’t hesitate. The kiss is gentle, careful. After a moment, Frank pulls back and says, breathlessly, “I want you to stay the night and in the morning, I want to get up and watch the sunrise together.”
Gerard chuckles. “That’s fine so long as we can go back to sleep after.”
“Of course.” Frank laughs. “I may be a hopeless romantic but I’m not crazy.”